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American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief

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suck_it_monkeys
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
A good friend of mine is an Iraq war widow and it's been heartbreaking and overwhelming to see what she's dealt with in the two years since his death. The official military response and support was sorely lacking but the community of Army spouses and friends of her husband who served with him in Iraq and vowed to take care of her and her little son has been immensely helpful. She has also had to deal with the sudden influx of wealth, going from lower middle class to being wealthy because of the military insurance/ war widow compensation, and the resulting creeps who have attempted to pursue relationships with her because of the money. Like, single soldiers who KNEW her husband, have lots of debt, and intentionally go after her hoping to marry her and get half her money, and who openly brag about this to their other buddies. So not only did she have to experience deep mourning, but now that the clouds have started to lift she can't even consider dating again because she can't trust anyone. :(

Just another reason to be hopeful about the Obama administration, as both Obamas have stated explicitly that they wish to help military families as much as possible, and expand mental health coverage for returning soldiers, widows and widowers.
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BlondeGrlz
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
There are a lot of very young military widows because there are a lot of very young military marriages. When you know your boyfriend/fiance's job is going to put him in harm's way, you don't spend two years planning a wedding, finishing college, or beginning your career - you get married and start your life with them.

I'm glad Taryn is helping these widows find emotional support, because the military isn't really known for understanding the human side of things. I also hope her husband had the forsight to buy into the military's life insurance policy and that he signed her up for bennefits, because the military does do a pretty good job on the business side.
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suck_it_monkeys
11/11/08

@BlondeGrlz is having a BlondeBoyz!: Yes, even before Iraq young marriages were the norm in the military, because if your boyfriend is about to be stationed in another state or country it truly accelerates things. My dad is in the Army and it was crazy to me when I was like 20 and would visit my parents on base and end up babysitting for these wives while their husbands were deployed or in the field, and they wanted a rare night out- I was an immature college kid babysitting the children of girls younger than me who were basically raising the kids alone because their husbands were always away. Insane.
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Jack_Burton
11/11/08

@BlondeGrlz is having a BlondeBoyz!: It's definitely a very stressful component to a relationship.

But, the benefits are nothing compared to that of WWII. We need a real GI Bill again, like that, so that people can truly realize the benefit of their sacrifice. The true benefit of the WWII Bill was a 30% increase in the college-educated population, and as a result, a much stronger and more prosperous middle class.

The Bush Legacy (Clinton too) has done little to make an all-volunteer Armed Forces economically viable in the long term.

Most of the people I know that have served recently have returned on their 2nd and 3rd tours to work as PMCs, or fought hard to "force" the Govt's hand to get on an skilled officer track, as a way of making sure that they will have a career when they get out.
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JLady
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
I'm 22 and I can't imagine having already been married and then widowed. Taryn's ability to pick herself up from her grief and do something to help other women in her situation is incredibly inspiring.
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Miss Scarlett
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
I am not surprised at all by what is happening to widows. They way veteran's themselves are treated is horrible. What my husband went through a lot to be able to receive disability for a physical injury. I can't even imagine what it would be like if he had PSTD or a mental issue.
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morninggloria
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
When I was 21, I was puking $3 vodka tonics in northern Indiana and forgetting that I ordered Papa John's breadsticks at 3 am.
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Joyce Carol Hall and Oates
11/11/08

@morninggloria: Your twenty-one year old self and my twenty-one year old self would get along.
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rosasparks
11/11/08

@morninggloria: If you replace northern Indiana with northern Ohion, and the Papa John's breadsticks with crab rangoon from the local Chinese food restaurant, you've described me, to a tee.

Wooo.
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rosasparks
11/11/08

@rosasparks: Ohio. OOPS. Not sure where Ohion is. Sorry. It kinda looks like Orion. And no, I did not go to college in outer space. (although, my brain was repeatedly taking trips there)
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morninggloria
11/11/08

@rosasparks: "Ohion" sounds like a magical far away galaxy.
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rosasparks
11/11/08

@morninggloria: It does - I imagine fairies and giant monsters and David Bowie. YES - minisparks & I watch Labyrinth quite a bit.
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morninggloria
11/11/08

@rosasparks: Minisparks is twice the woman that I was at that age. That movie gave me nightmares. It wasn't until I rewatched it in college under the influence of some dubious substances that I began to appreciate it for its artistic achievement and for David Bowie's package's silent but crucial role.
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rosasparks
11/11/08

@morninggloria: We adore that movie, and yes, I cannot stop looking at David Bowie's package.

The film is intense, actually, and minisparks' take on it is super interesting. Off topic, ladies. I'll PM now!

Sorry.
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♥AntiSocialSocialite♥
11/11/08

@morninggloria: I'm 21 and I can't imagine going through anything like this.... I plan and promote parties all day everyday (when I'm not surfing the internet instead of working)...

it make all this seem pretty foolish to even participate in...
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scullymurphy
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
The military fails veterans and their spouses in so many ways. This just breaks my heart. But huge kudos to Taryn for taking her grief and building something amazing that will help others in her position.
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TheGintheCity
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
Aw, I heard this on NPR this morning and teared up. I wonder whether it will be harder (possible?) for these women to move on into new relationships.

Imagine losing the love of your life at 21 or 22.
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labeled
11/11/08

@TheGintheCity: The heart has an amazing capacity to protect itself and somehow move on.
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KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
Wow. I couldn't imagine being a widow so young.

Good for her for having the courage to do something to help others in her situation. She's doing an amazing thing by letting other women know that they are not alone in this.
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EdnasEdibles
11/11/08

@KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins: That's what kills me. Losing a spouse is devestating at any age but at 21? Shit. That's just way harsh.
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bowleserised
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
What about the widowers?
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rosasparks
11/11/08

@bowleserised: You & I are on the same page today. I imagine the wives, the mothers that have fallen, too.
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bowleserised
11/11/08

@rosasparks: Maybe it's just that they gave it that name, but still. They suffer too.
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rosasparks
11/11/08

@bowleserised: Also, recently Jezbel (minisparks' pronunciation) has discussed issues of women in the military & combat, and my mind has been there all this morning.

Are most women in the military married with families? Is a woman in the military more likely to be single? Just curious, really.
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Mkp-hearts-NYC
11/11/08

@bowleserised: I asked the same question when I heard this story on the radio this morning... I wonder if it's an age thing? Maybe fewer married women in the armed forces are this young?
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Eeva
11/11/08

@Mkp-hearts-nyc: Funny, my mind went in the same direction reading today's Dirt Bag.

America Ferrera will star and executive produce a drama called American Tragic, about a young war vet who sets off across the country with a buddy to find redemption.

I thought that sounded really interesting, the way it upended our automatic presumption that a war vet must be male, and I thought the part of a veteran would be a really fascinating role for Ferrera to get her teeth into...until I finished reading:

Ferrera will play his wife.

Oh.
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bowleserised
11/11/08

@Mkp-hearts-nyc: I would have thought a lot of the women are married too. I just wonder if the military has truly gotten it's head round the notion of having male spouses.

And then of course there are same-sex partners - I wonder how well the military helps them when the widows think they're getting a raw deal.
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thecameralovesyou
11/11/08

@Eeva: There was the movie out just recently (or maybe hasn't come out yet?) about the three war vets, one of which is Rachel McAdams, and their stories after coming home from war. I don't know if it is good, or if it's schmultzy, or moving. But at least they are showing the story of a female vet.

[www.apple.com]
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dirtybee
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
A few weeks ago, I was at the Austin airport coming in from Idaho and I saw a funeral procession on one of the tarmacs - a fallen soldier was brought home. There were probably 30 people standing around me, and you could hear a pin drop. I didn't know my boyfriend when he was deployed to Iraq, but I was so grateful that he made it home safe.

I can't put into words what I felt when I saw the Marines take off with the funeral procession - and I will never be able to understand just how hard it must be for military widows. I am glad she is doing this to help others and herself.
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FourInchHeels
11/11/08

@dirtybee says we bee obama jammin: I was on the plane once when a hero was being escorted home. I cannot imagine what his escort was going through - that may have been the longest flight he will ever take. They told us as we were taxing to the gate that we had the honor of bringing a solider on his last flight, and as we waited to get off (because we had to let the coffin and escort off before we could deplane) the entire plane stood up and clapped as the escort made his way to the front.

I'm crying even now as I think about it, but it was one of the most moving things I've ever witnessed. It was a moment that redeemed my faith in humanity.
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dirtybee
11/11/08

@FourInchHeels: I understand - it completely changed my outlook on my life.
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SomeAuthorGirl
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
This is one of the most amazing things I've ever read. How backwards is our military that the spouses left behind get sanitized boxes and a binder... and that's it? When I think about what other 21 year olds are doing in comparison to this woman, the mind reels.
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DangerMouse
11/11/08

@SomeAuthorGirl: Something about there being a binder of instructions just threw me for a loop.
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rosasparks
11/11/08

@SomeAuthorGirl: I am mortified at the idea that when you spouse is killed incombat, you get a box of clothes and a 3 ring binder on how to arrange a funeral. JESUS.

That, combined with the hideous treatment many injured soldiers have received since returning, I have RAGE. These people are losing limbs, their lives, and we treat them like SHIT.

Obama talks A LOT about Veterans services and rights, I really hope that some of this is rectified. The current administration has done SHIT for them, and they're the reason these people are being maimed and killed.

FUCK YOU, BUSH ADMINISTRATION. Fucking assholes.
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LaFemme
11/11/08

@rosasparks: I get that there should be something about support groups and info on where you can find emotion help (psychologists made available to you, group meetins, etc) but besides that, what else could you really want more than the possessions that your husband had with him and at least some info on how to go forward?

I mean, I see the rage about how veterans are treated after they come back, and how their families are often left out in the cold, but I do not get the hysteria over being given the clothes and a binder. That seems pretty standard and reasonable, and not something Obama would change.
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Eeva
11/11/08

@rosasparks: The cast of the British equivalent of American Idol just released a single (Mariah's Hero, of course) to raise funds for wounded soldiers. On the show, they had a long segment in which they interviewed several of those soldiers - young, young guys, barely into their twenties, who had lost two limbs or been brain-damaged or paralysed - and what went unsaid, to my horror, really, was WHY the FUCK do these guys need a fucking CHARITY to pay for essential rehab?

This wasn't money for luxuries, or holidays, or a nice new car or whatever, they were raising money to pay for physiotherapy sessions. For twenty-year-olds who went to a war on which billions and billions was spent daily, and who are now looking at a lifetime in a wheelchair or unable to communicate or in permanent, full-time care, dependent on friends and family and charities because their government won't help them.
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rosasparks
11/11/08

@LaFemme: bubbasparks works for a university, and he got piles and piles of info about support networks, social groups info, therapy, where to send your kid to school, you name it, they have a packet of information they handed him when he got his new job.

He's an artist, working at a small, private college! If they can gather that kind of craziness for him, they could certainly do a better job giving information and helping out spouses of fallen soldiers. It seems bizarre.

If it's a matter of tax-dollars &/or lack of funds, our country should be willing to support efforts for these type of services, which is just as important as having armored cars. If the families of veterans are not treated well and with respect, the military has FAILED.
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MizJenkins
11/11/08

@Eeva: Our soliders are getting so fucked...and they have been fordecades. We still owe millions in benefits and an incalculable debt of gratitude to the men and women who fought in Vietnam, many of whom are homeless, drug-addicted and just mentally destroyed to this day.

Country first MY ASS John McCain!!

Next to the sorry state of our public school system I have to say that this is the biggest national embarassment we face. No excuse.
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Joyce Carol Hall and Oates
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
To be a widow at 21....wow.
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dancerevolution
11/11/08

@Joyce_Carol_Hall_and_Oates:

Wow is right... Think of all of the kids dying right now in that age group. My emotions are battling sorrow for them and hatred for Bush right now.
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Joyce Carol Hall and Oates
11/11/08

@dancerevolution: I just can't believe it. Twenty-one year olds should be celebrating drinking legally and going to parties and planning for their future careers. Not mourning the loss of their spouse. Sigh.
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girlnamedblue
11/11/08

@Joyce_Carol_Hall_and_Oates: I've got a twenty year old friend who is pregnant with her first child and whose fiance died in Iraq this past July, a day before he was supposed to be coming home.
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laurasaurus
11/11/08

@girlnamedblue: Oh my God. I'm sure all our thoughts are with your friend. That is awful.
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KittenFluff
11/11/08

@girlnamedblue: Oh, God, I am so sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for your friend.
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girlnamedblue
11/11/08

@laurasaurus: @KittenFluff: At least she's the optimistic type who isn't dwelling too much (as some of us would), but focusing on the baby instead. And she's got a great support system, so mostly we just try to be there if she needs us.
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whatever
11/11/08

In reply to American Widow Project Helps Military Wives Work Through Grief
Fuck, it's 9:33 in the am, and I'm already crying over the fact that she was denied even one last smell of her husband.
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Miss Scarlett
11/11/08

@whatever: When my husband went to boot camp they sent a box of the clothes he was wearing home and I wasn't expecting it. When I opened it and smelled his clothes I broke down. I knew he was safe and had only been gone about 4 weeks but still it was very emotional. My heart breaks for all the widows. I can't even imagine.
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UnSeelie...I am baaack!
11/11/08

@whatever: I know, I am all teary eyed too, especially with that picture and the happiness on both their faces.
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