Of Palin, Laura Bush said,

Well I think that's just something she needed to determine and she did. And, you know, everyone has to respect the decision she made. She, like a whole lot of people, other people that get into politics, find out it's a great big world when you get in the politics and, um, I wish her the very best.

You too can achieve such blandness, and many other fun speech effects, with the many Republican translators below.

Laura Bush

In order to talk like the FFLOTUS (which in Welsh means, "a breakfast dish made with cod"), simply replace every concrete noun with an abstract noun. Then, replace every adjective with something positive, yet vague. Here's an example:

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Laura: The terrific wonderful thing jumps over the great idea.

For extra verisimilitude, deliver all statements with a glazed-over, faraway expression, as though staring at a point three feet behind your interlocutor's head.

Sarah Palin

The Sarah Palin translator is a little more complicated. First, add to each sentence a metaphor or simile that is entirely unrelated to the topic at hand. Next, add at least two superfluous prepositions or helping verbs. Finally, include a mention of an Alaskan animal. And obviously drop all the g's. Observe:

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Palin: The quick old salmon is doin some jumpin over that lazy grizzly bear over there, like a point guard stealin a snowmachine from a Cheechako.

Lindsey Graham

In Grahamese, all sentences begin with a disingenuous expression of support, and end with a condescending question. To whit:

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Graham: Now I like you, you hear, but I have to tell you that the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog, do you understand that?

Ann Coulter

Leave everything the same, but add something horrifically offensive as a parenthetical aside.

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Coulter: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog (who is stealing from hard-working American dogs, and deserves to be put down).

Finally, in the manner of "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County," we'd like to translate Laura Bush into Sarah Palin and then back to Laura again.

Laura Bush: Well I think that's just something she needed to determine and she did. And, you know, everyone has to respect the decision she made. She, like a whole lot of people, other people that get into politics, find out it's a great big world when you get in the politics and, um, I wish her the very best.

Sarah Palin: Well I've been thinkin that's just somethin she's going to be needin to determine, like a majestic moose bleedin to death in the Alaskan sunrise. And, you know, every grizzly bear out there has to be respectin that decision she was makin, because that's what separates the glaciers from the pitbulls. She, like a whole lot of other people in this great country of ours, other people that have been gettin into politics, find out its a a great big hockey rink when you get in the politics, and, ya know, only the dead fish makes the basket.

Laura Bush: Terrific.

FFLOTUS Defends Palin [The Page]
Laura Bush Talks About Sarah Palin on Fox News [The Page]
Laura Bush, Part 2 [Fox News]
Laura Bush Gives Michelle Obama A Thumbs-up [Houston Chronicle]

And yet, as we know, not everyone is. Some very dear friends and relatives and other assorted grinches are glum and, however inexplicable this may seem, these encounters can't be avoided indefinitely. I learned this the hard way this morning, and ended up in tears of frustration and rage. So listen up: however tempting it may be to do a victory dance and rub their faces in the mud and toss "loser!" around like grass seed, here's a better idea.

I read through a slew of old-timey manuals — A 1938 Emily Post, my trusty Miss Manners 1940's Today's Etiquette, The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette and 1937's Etiquette for Every Day, to bring us advice on this subject and created a digest of sorts.* The etiquette books are right about one thing: try to avoid it. Put it off as long as possible. Wait until passions have cooled. Avoid calls. Don't pretend solicitude, don't try to be adult, don't try to convince anyone or assume anybody's mind has been changed by the outpouring of joy and enthusiasm that's swept you up. This isn't only to preserve family harmony; rather, it's a way for you to enjoy things for a little while before reality intrudes.

-Stick to a Script. As with any tricky conversation, this is invaluable advice. Stick to talking points: this is what I did last night; yes, I'm happy; I know this isn't what you wanted but let's all try to be optimistic. (This last bit of inclusive language sounds extra-mature.)

-Keep It Short. THIS IS ESSENTIAL. Things can only go in one direction and that's pear-shaped. Holidays are coming and big fight should be avoided at all costs. Manufacture an excuse to end the call beforehand if possible.

-Do. Not. Gloat. Nearly impossible, true. But empathy is essential here. There's nothing worse than a bad winner.

-Have an exit strategy. This comes courtesy of Anna Post, who advises lines like, "I guess we just don't see eye-to-eye; or: I'll have to consider that; or: For me, it's private."

-End on a good note. If it's a family member, "love" is always a good option. If not, a warm "take care," shows you to be a mature adult who's a fitting representative for her candidate.

*It should be said this all presupposes a certain degree of reason on the part of your conversational partner.