ART IS TEARING THEM APART!!111!: "Angelina is always all, 'I like art,'" says a source who owns every season of Friends on DVD. "It totally bums Brad out. You'll notice that he's pulling away from her. That's because she stinks of art appreciation! And also because he never stopped loving Jen."


YIPES, STRIPES: BRAD CAN'T STOP MISSING JEN: "The stripes in this picture reminded Brad of Jen's highlights circa 2001," says some guy who watched a Brad Pitt movie once, "He misses having a mate who understands the importance of matching hair. Gwyneth and Jen were happy to go along with it, but Angelina refuses to grow a beard. It's no wonder he's about to leave her and whisk Jen away to the salon to relive old times."


JEN'S BROKEN HEART IS ANGIE'S FAVORITE ART: "This painting represents the inside of Jen's heart after Brad and Angelina destroyed it," says Sally Fever, who once watched Life Or Something Like It and really didn't like it very much. "I hear that Angelina is going to buy it and have it made into a dress, so she can wear it at every movie premiere just to shove it in Jen's face. True story."


BABY NUMBER 8 HAS ANGIE FEELING GREAT: "This painting turned into a baby two minutes after this picture was taken," says 11-year-old Alice Beans, "and then Angelina adopted it, named it Screwujen and sent its first dirty diaper to Jennifer Aniston in the mail. I don't even know who these people are but my Aunt Kathy swears it's true."


BRANGELINA'S DAY OFF: "Brad's a big Ferris Bueller fan," claims my dog, who is currently asleep on the couch. "He thought it would be fun to reenact the art museum scene. Naturally this means he's leaving Angelina for his ex-wife."


SOURCE OF ANGIE'S POWER: REVEALED!!!: "This is the picture Angelina performs witchcraft to when she's ready to steal someone's husband away," says fake Dr. Albert Quack, "as you can see, the picture represents a great divide, which symbolized Angelina's ability to separate loving couples like Brad and Jen. It also represents a powerful vagina, and I don't think I need to explain how that fits in here. Or do I? I'd rather not, to be honest with you."


Feel free to come up with your own headlines in the comments!

[All Images Via Getty.]

The Guardian has the gist:

The Sunday Mirror, News of the World and People were caught in the sting after they were approached by an undercover documentary-maker. He claimed to have a contact working as an administrative nurse in what was in fact a fictitious cosmetic surgery clinic...The newspapers were offered the chance to obtain confidential medical information about famous clients of the clinic, including actors Hugh Grant, Gemma Arterton, Rhys Ifans and Ricky Gervais. There is no evidence any of the celebrities received consultations for surgery, and the filmmaker, Chris Atkins, said he came up with the hoax to test "how far tabloid journalists are prepared to go" in pursuit of intrusive information.

Not shockingly, pretty damn far. In this case, the editors who took the juicy bait offered hefty sums and demanded copies of everything the "clinic" had. A surprise voice of integrity was the Sunday Express, which not only didn't meet with the faux-mole, but sternly told him that "his proposal breached the Press Complaints Commission (PCC) code, could be deemed illegal and constituted "a gross breach of ethics"." (Disappointingly, no word of the Daily Mail's conduct.) News of the World, for their part, says they were never going to go through with it - because there wasn't sufficient public interest.

The filmmaker said they made the oddly-named Starsucker (bad porn or bad lollipop?) to find out "just how far tabloid journalists would go." But while incriminating filmed transgressions are always noteworthy (see: ACORN), entrapment's never my cup of tea. Sure, there's a sweet irony in this case - and scruples would be out of place - but in a world where people actually try to profit from details of Jett Travolta's death and Perez Hilton outs stars with impunity, this frankly doesn't feel like that big a shocker, whatever the legal implications. Now, maybe something like this can draw legal attention to tightening strictures, but from an entertainment perspective, it's old news. We don't expect better from the tabs - and for that matter, clearly some readers care more about Hugh Grant's alleged brow lift than the legal and moral protection of privacy. Besides, as everyone now knows, we don't need medical records to ascertain plastic surgery - just look for The Bunnies.

Tabloids Caught Out By Celebrity Plastic Surgery Hoax [Guardian]

OK!
Disqualified once again for lack of gossip.
Grade: N/A (The price of fame.)

In Touch
"Brad's Intimate Texts To Jen" Brad and Jen are exchanging texts almost every day, on such intimate matters as whether or not Jen should cut her hair. She was thinking of cutting it short for summer, but thankfully, "He talked her out of it," says a friend, "He told her to just trim it and go blonder." Brad has finally revealed the real reason he left Jen, and it's not just because he was sleeping with Angie. He had bleached his hair, taken flying lessons, and gotten a tattoo, so obviously he was going through a midlife crisis. Now Brad feels like he's living a lie and is trapped with Angelina. Dr. Gilda Carle, who wrote an e-book on fidelity but doesn't treat the stars, said that Brad and Jen shouldn't rush to get back together. "Everything's changed, and he's had all these other experiences," says Carle, "she might not like that new guy that he is." Jen's the same person though, because she's just been thinking about how lonely she is and staring at her phone waiting for Brad to text. Next: Katie Holmes is going to Australia to film her new movie and she's excited to have some time to herself. However, Tom Cruise is upset because this hampers his ongoing plot to impregnate Katie, thus satisfying Suri's insatiable need for more siblings. Jon and Kate Plus 8 have a live-in nanny who is never shown on the TLC show. In closing, let it be known that the following people are dating: Cameron Diaz and Adam Levine of Maroon 5, Audrina Patridge and Chris Pine of Star Trek, Hayden Panettiere and 30-year-old British TV host Steve Jones, George Clooney and a chick named Amber.
Grade: D- (Five finger discount on grapes.)

Life & Style
It's [Not Really] On: The mag claims that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "getting serious" because he introduced her to his parents... at his birthday dinner with other Twilight co-stars in attendance. But, they both ordered the same entree, so clearly they are soul mates. Also they're heading off to "romantic Italy" together, as that is where New Moon is filming next. Next: Angelina's back to "playing mom," after forcing Brad to become a full-time parent while she selfishly went to work on Salt. When the film wraps at the end of the month Brad will start filming his next film, Moneyball, and Angie will stay home with the kids. They've explained in the past that they take turns doing movies so one parent can stay with the kids, but an insider says, "she's unpredicable and restless," so she may take on a new project this summer and flake out on mom duty, "and Brad will once again have to put his career on hold to be with the kids." In a related sob story, Jennifer Aniston says she's "numb to falling in love." Actually, she said when you read a lot of romantic comedy scripts you get numb to the cliche falling in love story. But an insider says she's been trying to numb herself to falling in love as a defense mechanism, "when really, deep down, it's exactly what she wants." Also, Jen has betrayed Smartwater because she was photographed on set holding a tiny bottle of Poland Spring she probably picked up at the craft services table. In other news, Mark-Paul Gosselaar says he's not ashamed of his Saved By The Bell roots. "That image will stay with me for my entire career," he says, "but I'm not looking to shed the persona of Zack. I'm proud of the work I did." Dr. Rey channels Buffalo Bill again, asking, "Who has the best skin in Hollywood?" Michelle Trachtenberg, 23, has a flawless face, but Dr. Rey recommends microdermabrasion, a chemical peel, and laser skin surfacing for 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Kate Bosworth's stunning skin should be harvested and grafted onto Kirsten Dunst's face. (Fig. 1) Finally, Life & Style has determined that they give you more gossip for your recession buck than Us (Fig. 2) Hey, we'll be the judge of that, Life & Style.
Grade: D (Markdown on pantyhose.)

Us
"Mom To Monster" The before and after picture of Kate Gosselin Us ran last week was a hit, so they decided to use it again for this week's cover. Kate has "cut a swath of terror" by refusing to speak to Jon this weekend at the kids' birthday party when the cameras weren't rolling, having a TLC-financed makeover, and putting her "career before marriage." There are details from a former baby nurse who says Kate fired 40 nannies in three months before hiring her, neighbors who say she told them she'd sue if they reveal where she lives, and family members who say she's been obsessed with money since the sextuplets' birth. Us also provides a 360 degree look at Kate's "reverse mullet." (Fig. 3) Moving on: Sex and the City wedding! Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to Christine Marinoni and showed off her ring at a marriage equality rally in New York as co-star Kristin Davis looked on. The dangers of Tweeting: Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston got roped into going on a double date with Spencer and Heidi via Twitter. Lastly, can you match the pregnant star to her baby bump? (Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (Alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale.)

Star
"Angie Walks In On Jen And Brad!" ... talking on the phone. Angelina came home late one night from filming Salt and overheard Brad on the phone saying, "Relax Jen. Everything will be OK." A family insider says Angie, "totally flipped out." She screamed at him, "it's her or me!" but it's going to be a tough call for Brad, since the mag says he and Jen "just can't quit each other," and he likes to drunk-dial Jen late at night. In the much juicier story "Mom's Gay Affair!" we learn that Carrie Prejean's mother, Francine Coppola, was having a lesbian fling up until the night her daughter revealed her thoughts on gay marriage and lost the Miss USA crown. There's a picture of Coppola's "secret sapphic passion," Valerie Vetrano, as well as pictures of Coppola (who claims she's related to the director) at a lesbian party in Palm Springs where the two met, and lengthy accounts from sources who say they saw them on dates. Coppola wanted to keep their affair a secret, especially after her daughter started speaking out against gay marriage, but Vetrano said she wasn't going to live her life in the closet. When Star contacted Vetrano, she said, "In my country, in my household, I was raised to be honest and up-front. Yes, Francine and I dated. However, I don't feel comfortable discussing the details of our relationship - no offense." Moving on: Zac Efron has been told that if he wants to be a real star, he has to distance himself from High School Musical, and that means breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens. Zac feels this summer would be a convenient time to dump her, since he'll be filming in New England, but a source says, "Zac does still love Vanessa. He's agonizing about this!" How sweet. Next: Even though Joy Behar explained that she doesn't want anyone but her partner Steve and her daughter at her wedding on a recent episode of The View, Barbara Walters is mad because, "She feels like she gave Joy her big break, and it would only be right to at least ask her to come," says a source. Blind item: Which starlet stays red carpet ready thanks to a steady diet of heroin? But no need to worry about ugly track marks showing up in photos - she injects the drug between her toes. The mag estimates that Kelly Clarskson weighs about 165 pounds. She wants to lose weight for her health, so the mag encourages her by using the headlines "Kelly's BIG Comeback" and "Hungry For A Hit." Melissa Gilbert says that her Little House on the Prarie co-star Shannen Doherty had a one-night stand with her husband and ruined their marriage in her upcoming autobiography Prairie Tale. The incident occurred about five years after the show ended, and Gilbert claims "serial homewrecker" Doherty sought her husband out, "purely because she wanted to be like Melissa," according to a source. Next: Jamie Spears recently caught Britney taking over-the-counter diet pills mixed with Red Bull, which a source says made her, "whacked-out and go on weird rants." Britney's exhaused from touring and turns to the concoction to get her high. She also thinks Jamie tapped her phones and has a device that keeps a record of every number she calls [wouldn't the device be sort of like a phone bill?] Malia and Sasha Obama are "White House Rascals." They sing along to pop music loudly and off-key in their rooms, made the White House cook figure out the recipe for Pinkberry because there isn't a store in D.C., and speak in their own abbreviated sister language. What bothers everyone the most is that they go through the staff's magazines (including Star, of course, looking for new photos of Zac Efron and Nick Jonas. Finally, in this edition of "Best & Worst Beach Bods" we learned that if we want to be bikini ready, professional tennis is not the way to go. For the second week in a row, a mag has labeled Serena Williams body a "worst." (Fig. 5) Other crimes against humanity include having a "pancake butt" like Whitney Port (Fig. 5), having nearly invisible cellulite like Helen Hunt (Fig. 6) , and bending to pick something up while being 57, like Angelica Huston (Fig. 7).
Grade: C+ (Red light special, for some of the night.)




Fig. 1


Fig. 2


Fig. 3


Fig. 4


Fig. 5


Fig. 6


Fig. 7

Ok!
"Real Sizes Revealed."
Guess what? Most stars are thin! Between a size 0 and size 4. The highest dress size number on this spread is a 6/8: Mariah Carey. Brooke Shields wears a jean size 29. Really hard-hitting stuff. Moving on: Jessica Biel is threatening to break up with Justin Timberlake; she was overheard saying on a phone, "I'm sick and tired of his bullshit." Although she could have been talking about her agent, or a dog. Anyway, Justin "craves guy time" and is "constantly flirting." There are two pages on Bethenny from Real Housewives, who wears a bikini and talks about her diet book. Lastly, Tim Gunn is photographed with his pants down (Fig 1). It's sort of adorable, and due to his avuncular demeanor, it's also sort of weird. He says: "I haven't been on a date in 26 years." Awww. But then he says: "It might sound selfish, but I am very happy being alone."
Grade: F, upgraded to F+ for Tim Gunn (broken locks)

Life & Style
"Thin By Summer!" Margaret skipped this story but did see pictures of chicken on a plate and a person working out, so she deduces that much like ALL OTHER diet stories, this one advocates eating healthy and exercising. Moving on: "Lindsay's Back To Boys," since she hooked up with some dude named Chris Jepson at a house party in L.A. He works as a manager at Bungalow 8 in London. At the party in Hollywood, the two "disappeared into the bathroom" for 45 minutes. People were knocking on the door! LL reportedly told Mel B. that she's "back on men." The mag asks, "was she ever really into girls in the first place?" A psychologist who does not treat her explains that bisexuality means you can sometimes like dudes and sometimes like chicks. Jennifer Aniston is "holed up in her hotel" in NY because she's afraid of running into Angelina Jolie on the street or in restaurants. The mag copy reads: "Making matters worse, Jen was still dating John Mayer at the Oscars, but now she's single, and running into Angie would only rub salt in her wounds." Also in the article: "The bottom line is, she's pretty lonely." A four page story addresses the burning question: "Is Robert [Pattinson] The Sexiest Man On Earth?" There are diagrams, quotes and arrows pointing to the sparkly vampire's "soulful eyes." 90210 star Kellan Lutz says: "Rob is Edward. He's so complicated, so poetic, so sensual." What else? In a two page interview with Real Housewives Jill Zarin about her breast-reduction surgery, she says "I wanted to go public with my story to show women that there is no shame in wanting to look and feel your best, as long as it's done safely." Bless you! This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Hands In Hollywood?" Rosario Dawson, 29, has "flawless, young-looking" hands. Dr. Rey says, "She probably uses a good skin cream, like Dr. Rey's Well-In-Hand." And, in a horrifying display of Frankenstein-like Photoshop, Sarah Jessica Parker is given Reese Witherspoon's hands (Fig 2).
Grade: D- (missing knob)

Star
"Rehab For Tori!" Candy Spelling says she'd be willing to pay for Tori to get treatment for anorexia. Tori has said that she is not anorexic, but that, like many busy moms, she tends to just pick food off the plate of her kid. The mag adds up the value of bits and scraps of food and comes up with 130 calories. A nutritionist who does not treat her says "If Tori is only eating 130 calories, then she is definitely not consuming enough." Really? Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are "drifting apart." Jess wants to get hitched and start a family; Justin likes things the way they are. Someone overheard Alicia Silverstone talking to Amy Heckerling and so there might be a sequel to Clueless. Blind item: "Which TV starlet is really on the rebound? She's got a new body, a new gig and even a new guy. The only problem is, he's married. She makes a show of partying solo as a distraction." Moving on: John Mayer is dating a model, Scheana Marie Jancan. There are six pages of "Stars Without Makeup" and bitchy blurbs like this: "When Miley goes out minus her red carpet war paint, she looks just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teenage girl." Britney and Kevin had a "talk" about having more babies together. Her idea. She's "seriously considering" their future together. She wants to have more kids before she gets too old so she can "relate" to them. In Brad and Angelina news, when he came back from France, he brought home an antique rocking chair and a Cartier ring for Angie: "Pre-push presents." Rihanna's best friend Melissa never liked Chris Brown and was the one who urged RiRi to stay away. But! She also urged Rihanna not to appear on Oprah and talk about domestic violence. Lastly: Star uses its art department muscle and creates a photo composite of what Susah Boyle would look like if she had a makeover [Fig 3].
Grade: D (rusted, squeaky hinges)

Us
"We're Having Baby No. 4"
Heidi Klum and Seal are expecting! Do they want a girl? "We would be happy with either, but it would be a lie if I said we all weren't hoping for a little girl. Especially Leni, because she would love to have a little sister." Also, Heidi says of Seal: "I knew right away he was my dream husband." There are six pages of awesome quotes and pictures and info about how the kids wear hand-me-downs. Next: "Would You Let Chris Brown Hold Your Baby?" Well, 67% of readers said No [Fig. 4]. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal went to Coachella and were spotted hugging and singing along to the music, yawn. Lastly, you may not know this, but Beyoncé, Amy Winehouse and Juliette Lewis consider Urkel fashion inspiration [Fig 5].
Grade: D+ (high threshold)

In Touch
"Brad Moves Out." This cover is not to be confused with last August's "Brad Storms Out" or May 2008's "Brad Walks Away." [Fig. 6] This particular story is vague about what Angelina and Brad were fighting about, and the fact that he left the house and went to France to check on renovations — and then came back — proves nothing. Also inside: In a picture of Mariah Carey looking curvy, a trainer who does not work with her estimates that she weighs 175 lbs. An insider says "She is going crazy trying to slim down. She looks at old pictures and compares her weight and talks about her body nonstop." Sounds healthy! Also, Oprah's straight hair is making her look thinner. Another fake wedding for Heidi and Spencer? It's supposed to happen this weekend in Pasadena. A source says, "It's just a plot line, they're not really getting married." It's happening in a church that's also a "closed set" and The Hills cast will attend. The producers want Lauren to "do something dramatic." A "pal" says of Speidi, "They would have a fake baby if people would watch them on TV." Did you know that Gavin Rossdale had a relationship with a dude in the past? The gentleman in question is a rocker known as Marilyn [Fig. 7]. Marilyn says of Gavin: "He was the love of my life. We were together 5 years, but it felt like 40." Then there are a smattering of pictures Marilyn looking like Gwen Stefani [Fig. 8] Evidence points to the fact that Gavin and Marilyn are friends. Katie Holmes is one step closer to her "baby dream" because there is a picture of her holding her stomach. In Nadya Suleman news, the mother of octuplets was indeed a stripper for at least a year in her early 20s and "enjoyed the experience a lot." She got fired from some bar because she kept breaking the "no touching" rule. But! Before that, she did private parties and was known as "the closer," the one who would do "special favors" for the men — beyond lap dancing or even touching. The mag prints a signed contract from the club, and — get this — Suleman's stripper name was Angelina. Next: Kevin Federline might get paid to lose weight, as he's been offered a deal with NutriSystem. Jennifer Love Hewitt says, "I always takes bubble baths wearing a tiara. I am a grown-up who bathes in a tiara! One that I got from Disneyland." Lastly, how do you top pictures of horses with hairdos [Fig. 9]? All in all, good stuff, except for the stoopid fake cover story.
Grade: C (ripped screen)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7

Fig. 8

Fig. 9

Below, we hunt for actual gossip in the pages of OK!, Life & Style, Us, In Touch, and Star



Ok!
Some people on The Biggest Loser weigh less than they used to. Here's their secret: exercise and eat healthier food. In other news, Kevin Federline told Britney Spears that he will take their kids off her tour if she doesn't stop her wild ways. She's been clubbing with her back up dancers, and the mag says her shouting "Merry Christmas" during a March 24 concert and wearing a blonde wig is evidence that she's "increasingly erratic." A source says Kevin, "didn't sign up to be the babysitter so she could party." Next up, in a two page interview with Brittany Murphy about her dog, the mag prints this sentence: "You would think that, since she's been married for almost two years, owning a cute puppy would point to one thing on Brittany Murphy's to-do list: babies!" In Lindsay Lohan news, a mutual friend says she and Samantha Ronson were cheating on each other. "Sam's 100 percent cheated. [sic] But Lindsay hasn't exactly been faithful herself," says the pal. "She would make out with a tree if it called her beautiful." The mag redeems this F of an issue with a Kathy Griffin bikini shoot. As you'll recall Kathy was recently pictured in her bathing suit with Paris Hilton. "A lot more guys were looking at me than Paris," says Kathy. "Granted, they were gay, but they were checking out my hot ass!" She calls out new Hollywood moms who parade their post-baby bodies in a bikini, saying, "Most American women don't lose weight after they have kids, but according to Hollywood you do! It's like a diet!" and shares her thoughts on other star's swimsuit looks. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F+ (Finding brown jelly beans)

Life & Style
In an 8-page interview, Nadya Suleman claims once again that she's never been on food stamps, says now she's going to "wait until the kids get much older to go back and finish getting my master's degree," and insists, "if I were married, I'd still be judged, but not this harshly." She denies that she used to be a stripper and says the only plastic surgery she's had is a breast reduction. The cover claims she talks about the octuplets' father and having more kids, but she just says she won't give any more information on the dad and when the mag asks if she'd consider adoption, she replies, "I don't know." Moving on: Angelina and Brad are fighting over what religion the kids should be raised with. Angelina once said she would teach her kids about all faiths and let them pick, but Brad wants the kids raised Baptist like he was. "He's from a family that looked at church as a big part of their lives," says an insider, "and he wonders why he can't expose his own children to the same influence." Rosalie Hale of Twilight spent the night at co-star Robert Pattinson's place after a party. There are pictures of Pete Wentz partying with scantily clad women at the Palms Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. He was "dancing with a girl, then he was being wheeled around in a wheel chair and playing slip-and-slide with KY lubricant." Wife Ashlee Simpson was not present, but it turns out the whole scene was being filmed by the hotel for promotional footage. According to Dr. Rey's Casebook, post-nose job "Megan [Fox]'s sniffer complements her face" but "Sarah Jessica [Parker]'s could use some straightening." He also claims Claire Danes would look better with Hayden Panettiere's nose, but we beg to differ. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (Rotten Easter egg)

Us
This is either the best or worst mag of the week, depending on how much you care about Lindsay Lohan. The only notable story is an interview with Lindsay, in which she tells her side of her breakup with Samantha Ronson in excruciating detail. Basically, she says that the Ronson family conspired to ruin her relationship and the Charlotte Ronson party was a set up. A friend lured her there by saying Sam wanted to talk to her and when she got there Sam was crying the bathroom. Ronson's mom started yelling at Lindsay, and the other party guests turned on Lindsay. "Nicole Richie walks by and goes, 'Uck.' and I don't know what I've ever done to her," she says. Linds says she didn't write the updates on her Twitter. Someone at the party knew her password and hacked into her account. It seems the mag isn't buying Lindsay's story, as the article is peppered with contradicting quotes from anonymous sources. "Lindsay's state has just devolved completely. She has no grip on reality and feels the world is against her," says a friend. "She should be institutionalized at this point."
Grade: D (Melted chocolate bunny)

In Touch
"Now It's War" Brad put his foot down when Angelina suggested they adopt another child from Ethiopia, and now she's furious. "She told Brad he had no right to tell her she can't add to her family and that she will adopt again - with or without his permission," says a friend. Angie pointed out that she adopted Maddox, Zahara, and Pax as a single mom, so she really doesn't need Brad to adopt. Though a friend says, "if it comes down to choosing more kids or keeping Brad, then she'll choose having more kids," she doesn't seem that into the six she has. "Angie gets flustered trying to do Zahara's hair," the friend says. "And she doesn't always have the patience to do Shiloh's hair either. She asks the girls to try and learn to do it themselves." Next: "Are the Hills stars pressured to have surgery?" The mag speculates that in addition to Heidi Montag (who has admitted to going under the knife), Audrina Patridge, Lo Bosworth, Whitney Port, and Olivia Palermo may have had facial plastic surgery. (Fig. 3) Cameron Diaz has been fighting with boyfriend Paul Sculfor, and the mag claims it's making her lose weight. "She's been pining for Paul and lost her appetite," explains a friend. Now that Paul is in England for work, "She doesn't have him to cook for anymore." Here's a new theory from on why Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up: he's kind of gay. (Fig. 4) Katie Holmes "has decided to give [Tom Cruise] as many babies as he wants and not wait" because "she believes the most important thing in life is making your loved one's dreams come true," says a friend. In a recent interview Tom said he wants 10 kids so the mag figures Katie has seven babies to go. In "Ed's Gone From Hunky To Chunky" we learn that Ed Westwick has put on an estimated 10 pounds. His Gossip Girl castmates have been making fun of him, costumers had to buy him bigger clothes, and they asked the producers to tell him "they don't want Chuck to be fat."
Grade: D+ (White stuff on your chocolate)

Star
"Caught in Bed" Britney Spears has been hooking up with Kevin Federline on tour. "It's like they're newlyweds all over again," says a family insider. K-Fed's girlfriend, Victoria Prince, "caught" them when she called Kevin's cell phone at 2 a.m. and heard Britney giggling and talking in the background. Brit's annoyed that Kev answered the phone so she's been flirting with backup dancer Chase Benz to make him jealous. As for Kevin, he "now says Victoria is more a friend with benefits than a girlfriend. Since she caught him with Britney, he's not even hiding their flings from her anymore," says a source. In wedding news, the mag claims Seth Rogen is planning to propose to his girlfriend of four years, Lauren Miller this summer, while Anne Hathaway and boyfriend Adam Shulman may get married this fall. They've only been together since October, but they are planning to have a "trial marriage" (the mag's term for living together) when they relocate to New York City this summer. There's a room in J.Lo's mansion devoted entirely to her expensive wigs. Levi Johnston's sister, Mercede, talked to Star about the Palin family. "Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible for him. She tells him he can't take the baby to our house because she doesn't want him around 'white trash,'" she says. Blind item: "Which reality starlet can't choose between her jealous boyfriend and her ex? Not only was her costar her first beau, but he was also her first lover! the fashionista is still obsessed." Clive Owen says when he visited his daughter Hannah, 12, at school, she introduced him to her "half-boyfriend." Clive complains, "She tells me, 'Dad...I share him with a friend.' I still feel awful thinking about it." Next: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have been fighting so they've turned to Scientologist marriage counseling. But, since Tom is an Operating Thetan, they're only advising that Katie needs to change to please Tom, who outranks her. Moving on: A New Jersey businessman has filed divorce papers claiming that, Ann C. Kelly, his wife of 17 years, "committed adultery with one Bruce Springsteen ...at various times and places too numerous to mention." Kelly says they're just friends but people in the area have said for years that they are having an affair. Finally, in the sidebar "Arms Disgrace" the mag writes: "Kudos to Khloe [Kardashian] for resisting Hollywood's pressure to be pin thin ..." then goes on to say she needs to get rid of her "saggy" upper arms. (Fig. 5)
Grade: C- (Stale Peeps)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Life & Style
"Finally, A Baby!" The only cover not to focus on Rihanna features an absurd story that claims Jennifer Aniston is trying to get pregnant because she's been visiting Dr. Mary C. Kerr, the "ob-gyn to the stars." She's so serious about having a baby that she invited Kerr to her birthday party, since everyone knows socializing with your doctor increases your fertility. Except, she's been seeing Kerr for years and the doctor was probably at the party because she's married to the producer of Jen's next movie. Moving on: Poor Gisele Bundchen. Before her wedding to Tom Brady she was forced to use the public bathrooms in the elementary school attached to the church. A student reports, "she was laughing and looked happy." Rihanna took Chris Brown back partly because she cares about him, and partly "because she can't bear the thought of him with another girl." An insider says, "Rihanna's promised to do everything she can to get Chris off the hook legally ... She's even instructed family members to speak out in full support of her decision." Her team is worried fans will turn on her for taking him back, but she won't listen to anyone. Next: Here's an update on Robert Pattinson's terribly tragic life. He's been flirting with every girl he comes into contact with, and a friend says, "He goes home with a lot of different girls." But the pal adds: "He's not sure who wants to date him for him - and who wants to date him just because he's famous." The next story is pretty much summed up in the title: "Britney begs: Daddy, set me free!" Dr. Drew and his wife Susan, who are the parents of triplets, have reached out to Nadya Suleman. They dropped off a case of powdered Similac and 400 diapers. But, they say that doesn't mean they agree with what Suleman did. Doug Reinhardt bought Paris Hilton a $10,000 dog. Beyonce, Gisele Bundchen, and Kim Kardashian like spicy food, and the magazine claims it's because hot food speeds up your metabolism. Finally, Dr. Rey's heinous casebook asks, "Who has the best chest in Hollywood?" The bad doctor says Kim Kardashian's 34Ds are "fabulous," but Sarah Jessica Parker's 34Cs looked "squished" at the Oscars. Also, Lauren Conrad would look better with Nicole Richie's boobs. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (Flipping over the game board in disgust)

OK!
Though this cover promises "exclusive first photos of Rihanna in Miami with Chris," the lone picture of the couple at the Miami airport is so blurry that none of their facial features are distinguishable. (Fig. 2) The blobs may be holding hands, but the mag helpfully drew a giant arrow on the pictures so even that's unclear. The accompanying article talks about how Diddy felt compelled to help the two lovebirds out because, according to a friend of Diddy's, "While he doesn't condone Chris's behavior, he believes people make mistakes and that everyone deserves a second chance." Also, Chris is recording his next CD and a friend reports, "He's been writing the things bottled up in his mind." Ugh. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston told OK! "I am totally over Brad." Who knows when she said it, but according to the mag, Angie and Jen's Oscar night non-run in "brought a sense of closure that could not be achieved in the near half-decade of coy quips." Jeremy Piven was spotted eating calamari salad and tuna tartare. In the story "NO Engagement Ring For Jess" the mag prints this sentence: "Tony Romo refuses to 'put a ring on it.'" Finally, there's a two page spread titled, "Is LC the New Jen?" Both Lauren Conrad and Jennifer Aniston have had their heart broken, love the beach, and date their co-stars. So obviously, that's a yes.
Grade: D- (Missing puzzle pieces)

Us
"Rihanna Her Side" mostly reveals how upset her friends and family are about her decision to take Chris Brown back. One disgusted friend says Chris gave her a diamond bracelet. "It's his way of saying sorry. She's worth more than that," says the friend. Rihanna's mom, Beyonce, and Oprah have reached out to Rihanna but she's not listening. Jay-Z is trying to set up a meeting for her with Tina Turner. Another insider says Rihanna is using makeup to cover up her injuries and she thinks her nose is uneven now so she's considering a nose job. Us notes that while last week, Star claimed that Rihanna is pregnant, they could only find one source to confirm the story, saying, "they have been talking nonstop because she's expecting and trying to figure out what to do with the baby." In an exclusive interview, Lauren Conrad talks about leaving The Hills and as the mag says, "hanging up her headband." Gisele Bundchen didn't tell anyone in her family about her secret wedding to Tom Brady. A source says, "many of us are angry." Bridget Moynahan is also annoyed because Tom didn't tell her he was taking their son to his wedding when he picked him up, and Bridget introduced him to the church they got married at, and she still goes there. On the bright side, Gisele wore a custom designed Dolce & Gabanna gown and the mag has a blurry picture. (Fig. 3) Finally, there is a 47 question crossword puzzle devoted entirely to Jennifer Aniston. Here's 32 down: Four letters, "Jen's breasts are ____"
Grade: D (Dog eating your Monopoly money)

In Touch
In "Why We Got Back Together" an insider describes Chris and Rihanna's reunion: "They were crying and hugging and kissing. It was a tender moment. You can tell they are really in love, in spite of what may have happened. Chris kept saying over and over again how much he loves her." Though they were at Sean Combs Miami mansion, a friend insists Diddy didn't try to reunite Chris and Rihanna saying, "He had nothing to do with it." So, they just broke in to his house? A sidebar says: "Fans are disappointed with Rihanna." Fans like those on JEZEBEL.COM. (Fig. 4) We've finally arrived! Moving on: "Jon and Kate [of Plus 8 fame]'s marriage is falling apart." Jon has been spending time at his mom's house three hours from his home with Kate, and partying with local college kids. He was overheard telling a girl he was hitting on, "we might be getting a divorce," and, "Kate is a bitch. She's so compulsive and Type A." Jennifer Aniston checked into a Paris hotel she stayed at five years ago with Brad, because clearly she's still in love with him. Portia de Rossi says that she and Ellen are not trying to get pregnant. It "could not be further from the truth," she says. "The IVF story was just completely made up." Dina Lohan and Lindsay's friends are planning an intervention to urge her to go back to rehab. A witness says she's a "walking skeleton" and she's been partying non-stop, accompanying Sam to DJ gigs. "Lindsay has always said her issue was not with alcohol, so she is fine to drink," says a friend, "she thinks she can control it." Next: Brad and Angelina's brood is "getting in the way of the romance." Were you aware that Angelina isn't as sexy as she once was? (Fig. 5) Nicole Kidman was wearing a loose fitting dress, so she must be pregnant. It's the same logic behind the full page diagram "Pizza or Pregnant." (Fig. 6)
Grade: C- (Spilling Scrabble tiles on the floor)

Star
SECRET WEDDING! Chris "literally fell to his knees," tearfully apologizing when he was first reunited with Rihanna. An insider says, "He tenderly wiped [her tears] away and kissed her face, which was still slightly bruised. He just kept whispering, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'" Yes, the mag actually gives a romanticized account of their reunion. Another source says he told her she was his "queen" and asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. The mag writes: "She saw remorse in his eyes and accepted his apology and proposal on the spot." They exchanged vows before a priest, and though the wedding wasn't exactly legal, they are planning to have another ceremony soon. Also, the mag zooms in on an often reprinted photo of Rihanna on the red carpet the day before the beating, revealing that she had a suspicious cut on her wrist at the time. (Fig. 7) Moving on: Salma Hayek married Francois-Henri Pinault because she wants to have another baby. An insider says Pinault, "adores [their daughter] Valentina. But he cherishes his freedom. He doesn't want to be tied down with dirty diapers and late-night feedings." Their solution was to get married, on the condition that Salma be the primary caregiver to both the kids and live in L.A. while he stays in Paris. Oprah is turning to hypnotism to lost weight. "While in an trance, Oprah will be asked to recall childhood memories of the first time she was tempted by fattening goodies." Blind item: Which pretty twenty-something actress recently got dumped by her reality TV star boyfriend - and consoled herself by jumping into bed with another small-screen hunk? More on "Jon - Minus Kate, Plus 8." In addition to partying with college students on several occasions, Jon Gosselin went out to dinner with his mom and demanded a different waitress because he wanted another woman who was younger and more attractive. Jon's mom flipped when he started flirting with a divorced woman at the bar and was overheard saying, "Stop acting like a fool. I will not cover for you!" Jon left with the woman, but they got into a fight at a nearby bar and he left her "crying hysterically." Next: Though Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green have called off their engagement, she slept at the house they shared for two nights after they officially split. A friend says: "Megan can't cut Brian out of her life cold turkey because the sex is too good!" In closing, the six page story "Look Who's Twittering Now!" delves into the social networking habits of John Mayer, Lance Armstrong, Lily Allen, and admitted Twitter addict Ashton Kutcher.
Grade: C (Cramming extra kids into your car in the Game of Life)


Fig. 1



Fig. 2



Fig. 3



Fig. 4



Fig. 5



Fig. 6



Fig. 7

Gary Morgan, CEO of Splash photo agency, tells Time magazine: "There's going to be a lot of interest, all around the world, in the Obama family." Morgan has already sent more photographers to D.C. and was one of the agencies with shots of Barack Obama shirtless in Hawaii in December. The pictures, of course, sold well. But when it comes to the sisters, there's added bonus: they are adorable. The tabloids are dying to get their hands on some shots. This from Time:

"My dream would be a picture of them decorating their bedrooms or having a pajama party," says OK! Magazine editor in chief Susan Toepfer, who adds that she'll settle for photos of Christmas and Easter celebrations. "The Obamas have made it clear they want to be open with the public. They're going to become the national family."

But how do you photograph a family that happens to be the First Family? Unlike regular celebrities, they have Secret Service protection. Long-lens shots into the White House backyard? No way. The kids aren't going to be sitting in traffic while photographers snap away, like they did with Britney Spears.

Of course, the Obamas set up photo ops, and may very well continue to do so, involving the kids. Morgan says: "If they're out and we can get a shot, it's because they don't mind us being there. The Secret Service guys are cool as long as you don't do anything dangerous."

But at this site we constantly visit several photo agencies — several times an hour, every day — in order to post the most recent celebrity photographs. We haven't seen any shots of Sasha and Malia since the President has taken office. (And we probably wouldn't post them if we did.) Will the paps be stymied by the tight security surrounding the First Daughters? Will a more "open" White House mean shots of Michelle, Malia and Sasha shopping the streets of D.C., like Katie Holmes and Suri in New York? And while some argue that paparazzi shots of kids on a public street are an invasion of privacy, can you honestly say you wouldn't want to see the Obama ladies coming out of a restaurant, or getting manicures, or heading to a museum?

Gary Morgan from Splash says: "We'll see how it goes after a few months. It's not like we don't know where he lives. You can't keep people cooped up there forever."

Sasha And Malia: In The Eye Of The Paparazzi [Time]

Demands the New York Post's Maureen Callahan belligerently,

Just who decided French women are better than we are? The French? When did American women buy into this? Who says French women are more stylish, more cultured, have more and better sex, and can smoke and drink and eat whatever they want without suffering bad skin or contracting lung cancer or - worst of all - getting fat?

Her outrage is prompted by the latest entry in what Callahan terms the "American inferiority complex" genre, French Women Don't Sleep Alone, by some Francophile American who schools yanks in "The French Art of Flirtation." This of course comes on the heels of Mireille Giuliano's French Women Don't Get Fat juggernaut and the raft of copycats it inspired. (My personal favorite? The weirdly gushy Entre Nous.) Screw those soigne sylphs! Rails Callahan. Their awesomeness is a myth!

Oh, and not only do French women totally blow, says Callahan, but they all know it! And wish they were like American women! Who are way better groomed! Oh, and guess what? We have way more female CEOs and actual sexual harassment policies! This last salient fact actually comes from Mireille Giuliano herself (who, as is her wont, comments seemingly with no context,"It makes me very sad to see the fat people walking around in New York.")

Confession time: I am pro French Women Don't Get Fat. Twee? Sure. All that scarf-draping and baguette baking? Ludicrous. But! It's as common-sensical a diet book as I've ever seen, and there are far worse bestsellers than one that promotes water drinking, moderation and walking. Don't forget, all this started as an antidote to Atkins, the Great Satan of the Naughties. What's always struck me as funny about the phenom is that the concept — French mystique as diet book — is about as American a construct as has ever been thunk up; what people embraced as the height of continental sophistication was just domestic product, cleverly packaged. The whole French Women thing is a totally American construct! (I mean, obviously, they exist. And do they tend to be slim and chic? A lot of Parisians sure do.) Which is why Mireille Giuliano's business book should be a best-seller: talk about someone who's made the most of both cultures.

Oh, and to Maureen Callahan and her ilk, cool your jets: French women are probably more baffled by our weird girl-crush than triumphant. Says one of my friends, "I think it's really funny. French people don't really know how cool Americans think they are. They know about "la French touch", I even saw this indie Parisian band sing a song called "je suis French et j'ai la touch". But most French people don't know about that weird obsession you guys have for us. I only fully realized it when I moved here. People getting really excited that I'm French. It's kinda weird to be honest. But flattering." Obviously, I got enraged and told her to suck it, like a good American. Then I ate a donut.

French Women Can Suck It! [New York Post]

The other tabloids focused on Hollywood's first couple, Angie and Brad. Below, we hope in vain to find fresh gossip in the pages of OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.









Ok!
Though this "special collector's issue" promises to show "All the stars! All the parties!" it actually features 8 pages of pictures from the "We Are One" pre-inaugural concert, and two lame parties that took place over the weekend. False advertising! Next: Former BFFs Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz may be fighting because Cam has become more serious since her dad died last year and now Drew is too silly for her. Also, Drew has been a third wheel since Diaz has moved in with boyfriend Paul Sculfor. All that's left for poor Drew now are meaningless flings with a slew of younger men. Lindsay and Sam are in a "sick contest" to be as thin as possible. A source suggests lesbianism may be at fault, since "it's hard to be with another woman and not compare bodies." Finally, actress Parminder Nagra and photographer James Stenson wed in a ceremony that reflected their Indian and British heritage ... and her role on ER. Recently ordained castmate Maura Tierney officiated, and her co-stars John Stamos and Scott Grimes performed as the wedding band.
Grade: F (Being the Secret Service guy who has to move to Texas with former President Bush)

Us
"Why She Called Off Her Wedding" This lengthy story does not say definitively why Jennifer Love Hewitt called off her wedding to actor Ross McCall, but reveals her many character flaws that could be the cause. Jennifer was always crying and whining because their work schedules kept them apart, she got jealous whenever Ross had to make out with girls on camera, she has trust issues because her dad walked out on her, and she has body issues. Also McCall told the mag they are working it out and are both still wear their rings, so maybe the wedding is still on after all. But! What of Kate "Waity Katie" Middleton? Her friend insists boyfriend Prince William will propose before the summer and an expert on the royals says they always get engaged in February. However, Wills still has to complete his Royal Air Force training, so Kate may have to wait until February 2010 for a ring. Carey Hart has moved back in with Pink! They've been separated for a year, but a source says, "it never really ended. They just took a break on the marriage because they couldn't make it work never seeing each other." Next: Britney went to a restaurant in Hollywood with her mom and Justin Timberlake was there dining with Jessica Biel. Brit looked uncomfortable and took a seat at the bar with her back to the couple, supposedly because she "didn't look her best" while Biel "looked gorgeous." Despite rumors that Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are engaged, a "pal" says he hasn't proposed ... yet. In closing, now women's bodies can literally not measure up thanks to this story that compares starlets' waist measurements. (Fig. 1)
Grade: D- (Having your oath of office flubbed by the Chief Justice)

In Touch
We've already heard about "the shocking book that could split Angelina and Brad," which their former bodyguard, Mickey Brett, is threatening to write, but there are some new juicy details. Mickey supposedly walked in on Angelina and Brad "being intimate" in her trailer only three weeks into the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Angie won Brad over by doing whatever he wanted in bed, including "buying sex toys, paddles and whips and dressing up in latex," says the source. Mickey says he and Angie used to laugh about what a poser Brad is, like when he got a tattoo to impress her. Also, Angie cheated on Brad with at least one dude since Shiloh's birth AND hooked up with a famous female pop star on numerous occasions. Moving on: Marc Anthony is denying allegations that his fights with J.Lo are violent. "He would never hit her," says a friend. "Marc is not someone to get out of control at all. He has the most respect for women and for Jennifer." Finally, "What happened to their boobs?" When stars such as Anne Hathaway and Lindsay Lohan lost weight, their chests got smaller. But when Nicole Richie gained weight and had a baby, her boobs got bigger. Hopefully In Touch will get to the bottom of this shocking phenomenon.
Grade: D (Being the Chief Justice who flubbed the oath of office)

Life & Style
If you can't get enough of the Obamas, but have a strange aversion to legitimate news sources, Life & Style has you covered. The mag does an impressive job putting together 16-pages of inauguration coverage, despite the fact that the mag went to print before the actual swearing in. There are tons of pictures of Barack as a child, eating chili dogs, and hugging babies, and photos of Malia snapping pictures of the inauguration festivities on her camera (and thank goodness she did, or we'd have NO record of this historic occasion). Plus, in a new take on the requisite piece on Michelle's style, there is an article analyzing her interior decorating taste based on an old photo taken in her living room. (Fig. 2) Moving on: Hopefully people will be a little more sympathetic to Robert Pattinson after reading this tragic four page tale about his low self-esteem, unsuccessful pick up lines, and lonely nights at home snacking on Hot Pockets and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Sadly, Pattinson is forced to frequent hot Hollywood restaurants and clubs with friends at night because a clause in his Twilight contract forbids him from going out in the daytime and ruining his vampire-like complexion. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are off-again. They haven't been spotted together since they went to Mexico for New Year's Eve (and her promotional tour for Marley & Me ended). Next: Lindsay Lohan lost some weight recently and her backbone was sticking out at a recent inauguration party. Her friend says it's because she's stressed and she's been doing ads for Fornarina. "So yeah, if she's modeling, she has to be skinny," says the friend. (Fig. 3) Angelina Jolie has no friends. She's never been into gossiping with girlfriends or making small talk because she thinks it's a waste of time. Brad is starting to miss when he and Jennifer Aniston would hang out with their couple friends. Though Paris Hilton already has a new BFF, she's thoughtfully offered to befriend Angie because she says, "she's strong but gorgeous and uses her fame for good ... I'd have a lot in common with her." Madonna ate the same salmon dish at the Waverly Inn two times last week, so she is clearly following a "salmon retox" diet, in the hope that the omega-3 oils in the fish will help turn back the clock. Lastly, Dr. Rey's heinous plastic surgery casebook takes a turn for the macabre this week, and he suggests that Angelina should steal Penelope Cruz's skin presumably Silence of the Lambs-style. But did they forget to photoshop Penelope's skin onto Angie's face, or does their skin just look exactly the same? (Fig. 4)
Grade: C- (Losing your ticket for a seat at the inauguration and having to stand on the Mall with the huddled masses.)

Star
The newest Jolie-Pitts, Vivienne and Knox, have not been spotted in public since October 8, supposedly because the twins are sickly and suffer from colds, chest congestion, and ear infections. Or possibly, Brad and Angie don't want to let their seven month old babies be mobbed by the paparazzi. Though this article is based on the fact that they twins haven't been spotted out and about, Angie is also accused of being a bad mother because she drags them along while she jets around the world, even though a doctor advised her that flying is bad for the babies. Next up: Jessica Biel and boyfriend Justin Timberlake have been trying for a baby since August. She took a pregnancy test in November, but it was negative, so they're still trying. They may get engaged and wed this summer, but if Jess gets pregnant they'll put a rush on it. "They want to be married before a baby begins to show," says a friend. "Jessica is old fashioned that way." Blind item: Which rocker is about to split from his sizzling young wife? Friends are saying that it's only a matter of time until one of them gets served with divorce papers. Kate Hudson and pro golfer Adam Scott let the world know that they are a couple by making out on the beach. In other news, when Brian Austin Green refused to attend the Golden Globes with his fiance Megan Fox, she retaliated by flirting with Zac Efron all night, hugging and kissing him even though his fellow teen starlet girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens was sitting next to them. Finally: White. House. Baby. In the craziest inauguration story all week, Star claims that Michelle and Barack think now would be a great time to have another baby. Michelle is 45 and had difficulty conceiving Malia, but she's considering in vitro fertilization and will likely start treatments once they've settled in at the White House. Barack loves his girls, but "wonders what it'd be liek to have a son to play hoops with." Because he has nothing else on his mind right now. Even if Michelle can't have another baby, they are planning to adopt an African-American boy and are considering a learning-disabled child because it would set a good example. "They country needs something to be happy about again," says a source. "And what's more joyous than a baby?"
Grade: C+ (Walking down Pennsylvania Avenue in the cold ... and in heels.)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

As partially quoted in Dirt Bag this morning, Rolling Stone says:

Of all the things Britney has lost in the past year, it's the custody of her sons, Sean Preston, 3, and Jayden, 2, that has shaken her hardest. "Every time they come to visit me, I think about how they're such special people," says Spears, who currently sees the boys three days a week, with one overnight stay. "Like, they're going to preschool now! I went there to pick them up on Friday, and seeing them in their little classroom and seeing Jayden being bad or not listening? It's like, those are mine, and it's just crazy, you know what I mean?…Things haven't turned out like she imagined. "I didn't think my husband was gonna leave me," she says, deadpan. She laughs to break the tension. "Otherwise, I'd be with my babies 24/7. But since they're almost like twins, they both take care of each other. I think they look like me," she says, going from affectionate to bitter as she gets distracted by thoughts of Federline, whom she sees only when one of them is picking up the boys. "They don't look like their father at all," she continues. "And it's weird 'cause they're starting to learn words like 'stupid,' and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn't get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids."

From this, it sounds like Federline is giving the kids minimal attention and not caring if they act up or misbehave in class. Britney was run through the muck for being a terrible mother, even though it was obvious at the time that she was having severe mental issues. The tabloid media is always denigrating celebrity moms, but when was the last time you remember a celebrity dad being lambasted publicly?

Britney Returns [Rolling Stone]

In Touch
"Brad Feels Trapped." Basically, this mag insists that Angelina is knocked up with her 7th child, and that Brad is "tormented" by her "baby joy." And insider says, "Brad feels trapped. He knows he can't leave her now." Cuz before, when they only had 6 kids, he could totally just walk away. But seven?? Anyway, the "source" claims that even before the twins were born, Brad tried to "escape" by "drinking vast amounts of beer." Moving on: Tom and Katie are celebrating their two-year anniversary. What keeps them together? Their daughter. Katie "puts up with a lot for Suri's sake," a friend claims. The friend also says: "Life with Tom is not what Katie thought it would be." For the love of Xenu. Also inside: Nicole Richie is "too thin again." A nutritionist who doesn't treat her estimates her weight is 90 lbs.; she was 85 lbs. at her thinnest. Lindsay Lohan has a crush on Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick! "I love Chuck Bass," she says. "I want to be his friend." Evan Rachel Wood has "finally" found a guy her age: The 21-year-old was seen making out with Joseph Gordon Levitt, 27. This comes just 3 weeks after breaking up with 39-year-old Marilyn Manson. Christina Ricci has a new man, and he is 6 foot 6 (Fig. 1). On a spread called "The Most Expensive Celebrity Weddings," we learn that Jessica Simpson spent $250,000 on roses; both Mariah and Gwen Stefani had $500,000 receptions; Trista Rehn had $50,000 platinum and diamond-encrusted shoes. By the by: John Stamos is ready to have kids! Lastly, the epically dumb story: "Suri Is Copying Lindsay's Style" (Fig. 2)! Since this is the only weekly not to cover the Obamas, it receives an automatic failure.
Grade: F- (dreadlock)

Life & Style
"Jen Speaks Out On Angelina." You've heard this a million times over the last two days and here it is again: Jennifer Aniston thinks that Angelina talking about falling in love during Mr. And Mrs. Smith is "very uncool." Jen's friends "know to avoid" talking about Brangelina, and Jen says she can deal with running into Brad, but she's tired of being tied to him publicly. Yawn. Moving on! There are two pages based on Lindsay Lohan's Bazaar interview, in which she says she's not a lesbian. She does say she sees herself getting married "eventually." The mag asks, to a man or a woman? LL answers, "I don't know." In a Brad and Angelina story called "Time Apart," we learn that the two make sure they have "date night" at least two nights a month — the nannies watch the kids. A "Meet The First Daughters" story informs us that Malia Obama likes ice cream: "Ice cream is my favorite food," she says. "I could eat ice cream forever." Sasha likes to dance to Beyoncé on her iPod. Beyoncé has offered to sing at the inauguration! Insiders say that moving to the White House will probably be easier on Sasha because she's younger and more of an extrovert. Malia already has her own set of friends and a life that she's used to, so she may get homesick. But! The White House does have a in-house movie theater, swimming pool and bowling alley. Next: Kim Kardashian has "stolen" Angelina Jolie's stylist, Jen Rade, who told her to ditch the extensions and stop wearing so much tight stuff. "I've kept 10 Herve Leger dresses as keepsakes," says Kim, "but I've gotten rid of 40." Hayden Panettiere is 19 and now has a $2.6 million house in L.A. It looks cute. Lastly, in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the doc says that Mandy Moore's nose is "perfect for her face" didn't she have it done? He also claims that Whitney Port would be "stunning" with Lauren Conrad's nose (Fig. 3). She looks awful. Women are not Lego, for you to swap and change pieces, doctor.
Grade: F+ (rat's nest)

OK!
"Michelle's Private World." Intern Margaret says she didn't really learn anything new about Michelle, and the only source the mag uses is Yusef Williams, Michelle's hairstylist. He does reveal that "Michelle has a lot of full-length hair — no extensions — and she has relaxed." Williams explains, in great detail, how to get her 'do: there's serum, blow-drying and flat ironing involved. He expects her look to evolve when the Obamas hit the White House: "I'm sure there is going to be change, because that's the motto: Change. Expect something shorter, layered, fun and one-of-a-kind." There are rumors that the earrings Michelle wore on election night were a gift from Oprah, but that's not true. They're $10,000 Loree Rodkin earrings. We also learned how to get Malia and Sasha's looks, by shopping H&M, Bloomingdales, J. Crew and Payless. Moving on: Britney's son Jayden was rushed to the hospital on Sunday, and an allergic reaction to shellfish was the cause. No shrimp cocktail for little Jay! There's a two-page spread with "exclusive" pictures from Mel B.'s vow renewal in Egypt, if you care.
Grade: C- (teased tangles)

Star
"Devastated Jen: How Could You!" So yeah, what is Jen Aniston pissed about now? According to the mag, Jen was surfing the web and "came across a story that plunged a knife directly into her heart." It was when Brad told Oprah that Angelina is "the love of his life." Oprah asked him if he's the happiest he's ever been, and Brad answers, "Dare I say?" To which Oprah said, "Dare I see!" The mag digs up a quote from 1996, when Brad Pitt dedicated his Golden Globe from 12 Monkeys to "the love of my life, my angel": Gwyneth Paltrow. And! In 2004, while Brad was still with Jen but had started filming Mr. And Mrs. Smith, he said: "We'll see where this thing is going. I'm not sure it is really in our nature to be with someone for the rest of our lives." Now Jen is wondering if Brad ever really love her, and she called his mom to cry about it. An insider says having John Mayer's baby is going to be Jen's "in your face" to Brad. Apparently John Mayer is so frustrated by Jen's "lingering feelings" for Brad that he's written pages and pages of rants he plans to turn into song lyrics. Moving on: Blind item! "Which new mom is having a little too much fun when her baby's dad is out of town? Booze and coke aren't quite the best diet for someone who is still breastfeeding." Also inside: "America's First Sweethearts" is all about Sasha and Malia Obama! Sasha, who will be the youngest kid in the White House since Kennedy's children, is a budding gymnast who collects snowglobes — dad picks them up during his travels! Plus, there's a picture of Sasha and Barack in a bumper car (Fig. 4)! Lastly, there are six pages called "Hollywood Strip Show," which is about stars who have been — or played — strippers. Did you know that Mark Consuelos was known as the "king of whipped cream" when he danced in Tampa in the early '90s?
Grade: C (dry curls)

Us
"I Think I'm A Pretty Cool Dad." The issue devotes eight pages to Barack Obama, after having a 13-page page story about the Obamas and other White House families last week. They even have a page called "Obamas — Just Like Us!" (Fig. 5) You get to see tons and tons of pictures, especially of Sasha and Malia — rollerskating, playing with a puppy, hugging dad, etc. There's also a page called "Fake Baby News," in which Us calls out In Touch OK! and Star for spreading vicious, vicious lies. (Fig. 6) Keep your enemies close!
Grade: C+ (conditioned tresses)
















Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Life & Style
"Brad & Angie Vs. Tom & Katie: Showdown!" This bizarre story is crafted around the fact that when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt costarred in Interview With The Vampire in 1994, Tom was a megastar and Brad was on the rise; now Tom is a falling star and Brad "lives every day like it's the weekend." Apparently since Angelina was being considered for the lead role in Edwin A. Salt, when Tom was supposed to have that part, these couples are having a "secret feud." So secret they don't even know! Katie and Tom have negative Scientology publicity and Angie and Brad are charitable do-gooders, blah blah blah, it's a fabrication and a yawn. Moving on: "Britney Gets Justin Back" is about how the two are recording a duet for her new album. Madonna and Guy are "staying together for the kids" but the same story says "they are feeling very positive about their relationship." Other than that there are just lots of clothes and makeup in this mag. The editors should just have a stylish cover instead of a "news-y" one.
Grade: F (Forwarded religious "joke" email)


OK!
There are two covers: The front is Barack Obama and his family with the line "Life With My Girls." The back, upside down cover is Sarah Pailn: "A Mother's Painful Choice." Most of the Sarah Palin story is information that has already been reported, though you may not know that she went to 3 different colleges in Idaho before graduating from the University Of Idaho. On to Senator Obama: His daughters, Sasha and Malia were jumping up and down the whole time he gave his acceptance speech; backstage, the whole family had a two-minute group hug. The mag says: "Amazing yes, but not out of the ordinary for the tight-knit Obamas, who, according to insiders, are such an all-American family, they almost make the Brady Bunch look dysfunctional." There are quotes from Poppy Montgomery and Wilmer Valderrama, who are impressed with his parenting style. Next: The OK! Poll of Who Has The Firmest Melons made us want to die (Fig. 1). Lastly: Anne Hathaway wants to get back in the dating game — what better place than the DNC? She was seen dancing with actor Josh Lucas but also gave her number to some civilian. The mag suggests that Luke Russert would be a good match for Anne.
Grade: D- (ALL CAPS EMAIL)


Star
"The Fight For Baby Maddie." Days after her daughter was born, Jamie Lynn discovered that Casey cheated on her with yet another woman: His former high school classmate Andrea Revels, 20. (Not to be confused with Kelli Dawson, 28 who told In Touch she slept with Casey when JLS was six months pregnant.) JLS has given Casey a 7pm curfew and he has to be available by cell phone at all times, no excuses. He had to give her all his email and voicemail passwords and she asked him to attend couples counseling with her. Right now JLS is living at her mom's house in Louisiana and not at the house she shared with Casey in Mississippi, so Casey might fight her for money and custody. He definitely doesn't want to lose his meal ticket, since JLS used to pay for everything. Britney and Lynne Spears may try to pay Casey off to get him to disappear. Next: Gossip Girl Leighton Meester's mother, father, grandfather and aunt all did hard time in Federal prisons for drug dealing. Her aunt, Judy Haas McNelis was the first woman ever on the US Marshal Service's 15 most wanted list. She smuggled a hacksaw into jail! Britney and Adnan are back on: A friend called and Britney said, "We're in bed. And we're going to take a bath together soon." Also inside: There's an entire page devoted to the fact that Eva Longoria's thighs are big. And they're guessing that she weighs a whopping 117 pounds. Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre! He's best known for his appearance in the 2001 comedy Super Troopers. Amanda Bynes has broken up with Seth MacFarlane. Madonna's daughter Lourdes was offered a role in The Secret Life of Bees but Madge doesn't want her to work until after high school. Lastly: Michael Phelps has a "secret lover" named Nicole Johnson, and she has been his girlfriend for a year. She's a former beauty queen from California and she may be moving in with Michael. She was in Beijing!
Grade: D+ (Chain letter email)


In Touch
"Doctors Fear That Angelina Is Now Battling Post Partum" Basically, unnamed sources claim that Angie is listless and just wants to nap lately and doctors who don't treat her say: "Women with twins can be totally overwhelmed" so it could be post partum. Meanwhile, she is "isolated" because she lives in the French countryside and has no friends and Brad is off partying in Venice with George Clooney. Part two of this "Moms In Crisis" package is Gwen Stefani's "Baby Weight Panic!"; and part three is "J.Lo Wants Her Life Back!" Gwen is worried she will not lose weight fast enough; Jennifer wants to get back to work. Moving on: Halle Berry's baby pictures, OMG. (Fig. 2) Intern Margaret says, "It's pretty cool she didn't sell them. Good for her." Next: Alec Baldwin wanted to kill himself after the audio of him yelling at his daughter was released. He thought about going on a hike in Massachusetts and shooting himself or overdosing in a bed and breakfast. He has a new autobiography coming out Sept. 23, which is why we're hearing about this. Also inside: Those kids from High School Musical make millions. Blake Lively is throwing a 21st birthday party with a Jazz age theme: Everyone better come in costume! There's a Gatsby quote on the invitation: "Can't repeat the past?' he cried incredulously. 'Why, of course you can!'" Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre: He's an artist and she is three inches taller. Britney and Adnan are back on! He says she is his soul mate! She's in love! Lastly: Everyone is wearing Clark Kent glasses (fig 3).
Grade: C- (Nigerian Prince email)


Us
"Babies, Lies & Scandal." This is a round up of all of the gossip that we've heard about Governor Sarah Palin in the last week. The mag quotes a commenter on Yahoo!: "How can Palin help McCain keep America in control when she can't even keep her own daughter in control?" There's stuff about her husband, about her involvement in the Alaska Independence Party, which wants the state to seceed from the US, and there's a sidebar of about 5 other controversies that aren't even covered in the article. We really love the picture of her wearing an incorrectly punctuated T-shirt that reads, "I may be broke but, I'm not flat busted." It's right above the shot of her next to a bleeding caribou that's been shot in the face. (Pro life!) Moving on: There are cute pix of Halle Berry's baby, plus a chart of "Couples Who Pray Together Stay Together" (Jess Simpson & Tony Romo, Keisha & Justin Chambers, Spencer & Heidi). An interview with Isis King, the transgendered contestant from America's Next Top Model: "I used to wear silicone [breast enhancers] for shoots, but it's too hot with all that extra stuff. Most models don't have breasts anyway! I would also tape [my penis] at first, but since then I've found new ways to make everything smooth. What I use is like a thong. I made it myself with a piece of denim." She plans to have a sex change by her 25th birthday.
Grade: C (Sarah Palin rumor email)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

How Palin is Playing In The Supermarket Aisles [ABC News]

Skenazy writes:

Who'd ever heard the cute-as-morning-sickness phrase "baby bump" until about 10 years ago? I hadn't, even when my own bump looked like Rachel Ray. Now the bump's right up there with the Birkin bag — an accessory every tabloid feels compelled to comment on. "Is that a baby bump?" "Proudly displaying her baby bump ... " Or sometimes it's just an arrow excitedly pointing, "The bump," — as if they've found Osama.

Skenazy thinks that we, the public, dwell on babies — not just celeb kids but our own — because "they're our hobby, our status, our conversational calling cards, our Second Lives." Well guess what, lady? Some of us do not give a shit. Sure, the Jolie-Pitt kids are cute — the adopted and biological ones — but so are so are puppies and platypi.

But there are no platypi on the cover of Us Weekly because all women are supposed to have BABY FEVER. I hate, HATE the predisposed notion that the lack of a Y chromosome means I must involuntarily drool at the sight of an infant. Cute babies are cute, but some of them look like undone suckling pigs that need to go back in the oven. This is coming from a woman with no pets and no plants, who finds it emotionally draining to be responsible for herself and is not, at this juncture of her life, in the mindset to care for another human, animal or snippet of flora. But the tabloids seem to think we all have BABY FEVER, that no woman is immune, that if you have ovaries then you're gonna want to hear about someone else's. I'm not into babies! Hopefully I would be, if they were mine, but they're not! They belong to rich people I have never met. And the only thing worse than being expected to give a crap about a random kid is giving a crap about a random maybe-possibly pregnant woman! Is it a requirement of femininity to care about celebrity children? Am I destroying the sisterhood if I don't give a fuck about Jen Garner's uterus? Why is it suddenly mandatory to be on "bump watch"? Am I the only one who just doesn't give a shit?

Our Baby Bump Obsession [NY Sun]

Star
"Little Princesses." Intern Margaret says, "The story is summed up on the cover." It's six pages comparing growing up Shiloh Jolie-Pitt to growing up Suri Cuise. (Shiloh: Hand-me-downs, cookie monster, twin dollies, free spirit. Suri: $$$ Designer duds, still a bottle baby, security blanket, calls the shots.) After reading about who likes Nutella and Meerkat Manor, here's what you glean: Shiloh's the down-to-earth kid whose mom cuts her hair and who runs around the backyard getting dirty, while Suri gets salon cuts, throws a fit if her blanket is left behind and has a closet full of expensive dresses. Suri picks out her clothes herself, except when the nanny helps. Moving on: Christina Applegate has been dating Martyn Lenoble for several months and she wants to have his baby. So even though she has breast cancer, she doesn't want to have chemo or radiation until she gives birth. Some doctor who doesn't treat her says pregnancy can help some early-stage breast cancer. Next: While in Los Cabos, Mexico, John Mayer disappeared for a 25 minute walk with a young lady and came back smoking a cigar. There are hot tub pix. The mag says: "The notorious ladies man may have sparked the stogie to celebrate a flash of freedom far from his 39-year-old girlfriend and her baby dreams." Egads. Are Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds planning to get hitched this winter after ScarJo's birthday? The mag says will it be a traditional Jewish ceremony in NYC. Madonna is mad at Britney because the pictures of Brit's "surprise" video for the Sticky & Sweet tour got leaked online and Madge thinks Brit's camp is to blame. Blind item! "Which hot TV actor was lying when he said he wasn't dating a certain reality star? Source say she recently visited him on set, where they spent 2 hours flirting with each other." Guesses? Lastly: Reese lost 20 lbs. "for Jake."
Grade: F (anal fistula)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Cutest Kids." An 11-page "special" with lots of pictures of celebrity babies. Suri Cruise gets a 2-page spread about going to The Little Mermaid on Broadway and going bowling in New York. All of the kids get tags; for instance: Maddox is "the daredevil," Zahara is "the globe-trotter," Apple is "The Clotheshorse." Valentina Pinault, Salma Hayek's kid, is "The Accessorizer." She is 11 months old. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan thinks of the Ronsons as "the family she never had" because they are close to each other and not fucked up. She also changed her Facebook religion status to "I'm converting" so now there's speculation that she will become Jewish! Slow news summer. Next: Angelina's on a "race to get ready" for Brad Pitt's movie premiere August 27th. The movie is Burn After Reading and the mag claims Angie "wants to look like a trophy wife" on the red carpet so she's trying to lose 20 lbs. Insane on so many levels! There are newborn twins at home in addition to like a posse of other kids. Are we really supposed to believe she is worrying about her red carpet weight? Fuck.
Grade: F, but B if you LOVE baby pix. (self-correcting rectal prolapse)


Us Weekly
"18 Lbs In 10 Weeks!" Jennifer Love Hewitt exclusive! There's a different picture from a different angle inside the magazine and her body looks different. Not as whittled down. In the six-page story, the mag talks to her trainer and discovers — shocker — that Love Hewitt has been working out more and eating less. If you're interested in her exact diet and workout plan, it's there, in all of its boring detail. (No carbs after 3pm.) Next: Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer headed for a breakup? (Did it already happen?) There are pictures of him in a hot tub with some chicks, looking smug and smoking a cigar. Us also calls out Star and OK!'s "fake news" for running Jen/John baby and marriage stories last week. Also inside: In a 4-page story interview with Lauren and Lo about The Hills, the reporter compliments LC's runny mascara in the season 4 trailer. Lauren responds by naming the mascara and eyeliner she was wearing that day, which happen to be Avon, the company she reps. Ooh! A picture of the transgendered contestant on the upcoming cycle of America's Next Top Model! Her name is Isis (Fig. 1). Lastly, Ali Lohan has, um, filled out. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (anal abscess)


OK!
"Britney Tells All ABout Her Boys And Her New Life." Brit's "first interview in 2 years" is 8 pages long, with new pictures of Jayden and whatshisface wearing white tuxedoes in the backyard. Britney is wearing a white dress but it's like, a bikini cover-up that you can see through and the top is split from sternum to belly. The story is filled with the humdrum details of Brit's daily life: She reads the boys Berenstein Bears books. There's kiddie artwork on the fridge. She makes them pancakes. Intern Margaret says, "It's chock full of details, but they're details you don't care about. She seems healthy." Brit says she has a good relationship with her mom now and and appreciates her more. It ends on a hopeful though frightening note: Britney is writing a lot of songs for her new album. Next: The first line of the "Suri & The City" story reads, "Move over Carrie Bradshaw, there's a new trendsetter in town!" More on ScarJo's wedding: Even though Scarlett has said she has no immediate plans to get married, she was spotted reading InStyle Weddings & Brides, and an spy says "You could tell that she had earmarked pages." Plus! She totally wore white to a movie premiere! Lastly: "Is Lindsay A Faux-Mosexual?" She was seen flirting with guys. She's also "the aggressive one" in her relationship with Sam.
Grade: C- (anal fissure)


In Touch
"Jamie Lynn Betrayed." The mag tracked down Kelli Dawson, 28, who claims she had a relationship with 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn's fiancé and baby daddy. Kelli, 28, yes, 28 years old, is photographed in virginal white wearing a wooden cross around her neck. She says: "I still love him and I think he loves me." They were still sleeping together when JLS was six months pregnant with Casey's baby. Kelli says, "I see him all the time, at least once a week." They live in the same town. "I think that he's trapped," Kelli sighs. She also says: "When I see Jamie Lynn doing interviews and talking about how happy she is with Casey, it seems so fake. She is trying to paint a pretty picture, but it's messy art." Truth! Moving on: The "Jen And John Take A Break" story has more hot tub pix. Page 6 of this issue has a poll question, "Are you surprised that Britney hasn't had sex in 7 months?" (Fig. 3) It makes little sense until you get to page 56, where you find a story called "Seven Months Without Sex!" So basically, Britney's been working out instead of getting laid. Also she's been living with her dad. Dr. Drew says: "With bipolar, you become hypersexual. Before Britney began treatment, sleeping around with different men could have been the result of the manic state she was in." Britney joked to a friend: "How do you make out with a guy while your dad watches?" Next: Nicole and Joel have hit a rough patch. She's living in his house in Glendale and feels likes she's stuck in the suburbs. She wants to move back to Hollywood! Also, is her baby daddy helping enough? While on tour, Joel said: "It's hard to be on the road, but I have a great girl and she takes care of everything." Lastly: Guy Ritchie gave Madonna a $100,00 Rolex Masterpiece in tricolor 18K gold, surrounded by 42 brilliant baguette cut diamonds, the "ultimate timepiece."
Grade: C (hemorrhoids)


Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)
Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)
In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)
OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)
Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)

Us
"Inside Beyoncé's Wedding!" As you know by now, the ceremony was held at Jay-Z's $8 million Tribeca apartment. There were 60,000 white orchids flown in from Thaliand. The first dance was to Earth Wind & Fire's "September." There was a cake that was about 5 foot 8 inches tall. The couple can't honeymoon yet because they're so busy, but Beyoncé's mom, Tina Knowles, says, "Hopefully Beyoncé will be starting a family soon." Also inside: A "Celeb Baby Bump Countdown" to the pregnant ladies' due dates: Jodie Sweetin is due April 6! Nicole Kidman is due in July! Tom Brady and Gisele went to L.A. to see Tom's baby boy — and a nanny did the hand-off, because Bridget Moynahan is still not speaking to Tom. Brad Pitt was carded while buying beer in Texas; the cashier didn't know who he was. Jamie Lynn Spears spent her birthday without her parents and her brother Bryan, because they were in L.A. eating dinner with Britney. But JLS did go to Ruby Tuesday with her fiancé and then to a party (the mag says, "picture pick-up trucks and dirt road.") Lastly, Michelle Obama and Bill Clinton write letters to Us readers in "Spouse Debate 2008."
Grade: D- (kidney infection)

Life & Style
"How J. Lo Lost 40 Lbs." First of all, haven't they heard that Jennifer hates being called J. Lo? Second of all, one way to lose 40 lbs. is to have twins. Anyway: She exercises for up to 75 minutes 2 to 4 times a week, takes care of the twins, and eats egg whites for breakfast. Her secret weapon? Yummie Tummie tanks, which are like Spanx for your stomach. Moving on: Katie Holmes is having an identity crisis. She has body issues and wants to be more than just a mom. Her movie flopped at the box office and she has very few friends. Britney's father Jamie has arranged a meeting between Brit and Justin Timberlake at a family barbecue over the summer. The idea is to have her talk to someone from a positive time in her past. Meanwhile, Brit's son Jayden goes to a play gym for kids and does gymnastics and tumbling. A source says he's a "natural athlete." Courteney Cox and David Arquette are planning on adopting a kid. Lastly: Ashton Kutcher is starring in a movie with a pretty actress named Margarita Levieva — should Demi be worried? Off-camera and between takes, Margarita is playful with Ashton — she once even removed an eyelash from his cheek and he blew it off her finger.
Grade: D+ (urinary tract infection)

In Touch
"Britney Relapses." The story inside opens very dramatically: Doctors arrive at Brit's house for a scheduled visit and find her listless on the couch. They ask what's wrong; Britney replies that she's taken "a lot" of Xanax. Further inspection reveals she's only taken the correct dosage of 2 pills. They ask why she lied, she claims she's bored. Sources say she's also been picking at the scabs her scalp and claiming to have had sex with one of her bodyguards, but the sex part doesn't appear to be true. (The scalp scabs, unfortunately, are.) Moving on: Madonna's arms are more ripped and veiny than her husband's. Bobby Brown's autobiography will be awesome: In addition to saying "I had never used cocaine until after I met Whitney," he says, "I'm going into everything — from the bullets that were shot at me in Boston to the priest that tried to molest me." Jay-Z and Beyoncé may be married, but they are planning another more elaborate celebration in the South of France in May. Also: Nicole Richie and Joel Madden set up webcam dates while he's tour so he can keep up with Nicole and the baby. "Joel didn't want to miss a day of Harlow's life," a source spills. Jamie Lynn Spears is being reckless with her unborn baby! She's been off-roading in an ATV, lifting heavy bags of dog food into her car and going hunting with Casey. A pregnant teenager with a loaded shotgun is just so American.The List this week is single guys "Looking for Love" : Adrien Grenier; Josh Hartnett; Ryan Gosling and at number one, John Mayer.
Grade: C- (eye infection)

OK!
"More Than Just Friends." A source says that when Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom saw each other at a party recently, "they were like heatseeking missiles." Jen and Orly met when Jen was married to Brad and he was working on Troy, so there's some history there. Plus, there's a picture from the Cannes red carpet in 2004 where Jen is holding Brad's arm but beaming at Orlando. But at the end of this story there is a little pink box reminding you that Orlando is actually dating Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. Moving on: Britney might be designing for fugly cluttered t-shirt maker Christian Audigier. There's a random picture of Mariah Carey wearing a Hello Kitty band aid. Plus: A game called "Bad Dress Or Bump?" (Fig. 1) means that everyone MUST wear skintight clothing, otherwise they'll be considered pregnant. Beyoncé and Jay-Z are into the number 4: B was born on September 4; Jay was born on December 4; they were married on 4/4 — to honor the memory of Martin Luther King Jr, who was assassinated that day in 1968. A story called "Six Weeks Til Summer" instructs: 1) Book a bikini wax 2) Lose the winter weight 3) Get a beach body. Uh, thanks. A "Jungle Fever" beauty page includes a picture of Rihanna. Yeah, she's wearing leopard print, but WTF. (Fig 2) Lastly, on a picture of Gisele wearing shorts with the ass cheeks cut out, the caption reads, "The Job You Want: Gisele's Butt Flosser." (Fig. 3) Are they hiring writers from Maxim?
Grade: C (ear infection)

Star
"Body After Baby!" Six pages of ladies who have lost weight after giving birth, followed b 2 pages of "Best Baby Bumps." What makes a bump the best??? Also inside: An audience member experience heart problems while she danced during Ellen DeGeneres's show and is threatening to sue. Did Lindsay Lohan tie the knot with Samantha Ronson? A source says they exchanged vows in early March at LL's home in L.A. Sam has a ring that says LL and LL has a ring that says SR. Plus, Lindsay refers to Sam as "my husband." Nicole Richie's 9-year-old little sister Sophia is going to be Harlow's godmother. Sweet! Blind item: "A very famous vertically challenged actor was so tipsy after dinner at L.A.'s Madeo on March 28 that he and his also intoxicated wife flipped a coin to decide who would drive home. She drove." Drew Barrymore's dog Flossie is taking an FDA-approved diet pill called Slentrol. Nick Lachey went to Scottsdale AZ with NFL star Matt Leinart and went wild. He went hottubbing with a bunch of girls, he took a blonde into a nightclub restroom while his bodyguard stood outside. Don't tell his girlfriend! A dying girl got a makeover from Jessica Alba and says, "Jessica's my guardian angel." Britney has been telling Kevin Federline that she loves him — and seems to mean it. Lastly: Courtney Love's blog reads: "I shoot straight from the hip and spellcheck has NOTHING to do with REALITY."
Grade: C (sinus infection)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Life & Style
"Where's Suri?" Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter is missing! Not really. Suri has been taking dance classes and going to playgroups at the Scientology Center. Shocking. Also inside: Brad and Angelina try to be normal, but they can't! Because they do extraordinary things like fly planes, ride motorcycles and hang with Bill Clinton. Sigh. Lindsay Lohan refused to walk the red carpet at an event because Paris Hilton's name was on the backdrop. Is Madonna having a mid-life crisis? She flirts with younger men and admitted to taking ecstasy once. Whatev. In an interview with Sarah Jessica Parker, she says she loves sex scenes: "Bring me the next fabulously attractive man!"
Grade: D- (Egg & spoon race)

OK!
"Jen's Magic Diet... That Works!" Listen, we did not read the entire four page story about Jennifer Aniston's body because it's extremely hard to care, but: She does yoga, she meditates, she learns to accept herself, etc. And she takes care of her hair, because it used to be "Too dark, too long, too fuzzy, too kinky." Also inside: Vanessa Williams has a beauty tip for acne: Morning urine on the face. "I did it — I tried to do it and then I was like, I'm not doing it." She used ProActiv instead. Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani could be working on a love duet! There's four pages of women who are "Getting Sexier With Age" and they include: Rihanna (???) Scarlett Johansson, Halle Berry and Demi Moore. Katie Holmes is designing for Armani: a line for toddlers for spring 2009, followed by a collection for older children in fall 2009, then a line of handbags in 2010 and maybe women's clothes after. (Except, um, this story has been debunked.) Scary diet trends! Madonna got injections, Katherine Heigl smokes, Mary-Kate Olsen is a caffeine addict, Julianne Moore is "hungry all the time." Carnie Wilson is heavy again at 208 lbs but says she doesn't think of herself as a failure. "I want to lose 45-50 lbs and then try to have a baby," she says. After which she'll probably want to lose. Again. One more C-List star has a weight-loss story: Shar Jackson has lost 20 lbs. "I am 115 lbs. and when people see me and blog about it, they say I'm fat," she says. Sigh.
Grade: D (Sack race)

Us
"How I Was Stabbed In The Back." Lauren Conrad has been constantly betrayed by friends. She poses in a somber photo shoot to prove it! Audrina has been banished to the guest house while Lo is in the main building. Meow! Moving on: Us casts the Spitzer movie: John Malkovich as Eliot Spitzer; Jennifer Aniston as Silda ("No stranger to the trials of infidelity") and Kim Kardashian as Ashley Alexandra Dupre, aka Kristen. There are also pictures of the real Ashley Alexandra Dupre: Did you know she was living in a $4,000 a month studio in Chelsea? Effing real estate.
Grade: D+ (Three-legged race)

In Touch
"It's A Boy... And A Girl!" Brad and Angelina are going to move to France, she loves being pregnant, they used fertility treatments, etc. Stuff you already know. No new news. Moving on. Nicole Kidman's baby bump is still so small because "some people gain weight differently." A friend says to keep the baby healthy, Nicole would "gain 100 lbs. if necessary." El oh el. Plus: Adnan Ghalib's girlfriend Amanda Pagel didn't realize he was sleeping with Britney Spears while they were seeing each other. Amanda's texts prompted Britney to throw Adnan's iPhone in the pool. Audrina from The Hills says she doesn't want a boyfriend; she wants to focus on acting. Katie Holmes is stealing Suri's style! They wear similar jackets. Britney Spears kept forgetting her lines on the set of How I Met Your Mother and the shoot which started at 3:30 pm, went until midnight, because of Brit. Hey, candidates look like stars! Hillary Clinton=Ellen DeGeneres, Barack Obama=Denzel Washington (??) and John McCain=Steve Martin. Ugh. Lastly, an "At Home With Mischa Barton" shoot has her awkwardly posed while twirling a floaty frock on a staircase in her house. Glamorous!
Grade: C (Red rover)

Star
"Jen, Kate & Owen: Love Triangle!" When Owen Wilson started shooting a movie in Miami with Jennifer Aniston, it didn't bother Kate Hudson, but then he started telling Kate "how cool and pretty" Jen is and Kate got worried. To help Owen decide which woman to choose, the magazine breaks down their stats on a page (Fig. 1) called "How They Measure Up." Classy! Also inside: Did Ali Lohan have her lips plumped? (Fig. 2) Keep in mind that she is 14 years old. Sean Penn wants Robin Wright back! A source says "He calls her at all hours of the night to ask for her forgiveness, but she hangs up on him." Lauren Conrad and Entourage star Kevin Connolly: It's on! "They have not made a commitment or gone public with their relationship but often meet up for late-night booty calls," says a source. Matt Lauer's wife has stopped wearing her wedding ring and a friend says, "He's married to NBC." Nicole Richie's dog peed on a $1,000 dress in a chi-chi boutique! And there's a picture! Nicole bought the dress, and had it dry cleaned, of course. Plus: Lindsay Lohan is in a lesbian tug-of-war! LL's ex-"roommate" Courtenay Semel is pissed that Lindz is with Sam Ronson. Lindsay's been wearing a diamond ring with the initials SR. Sam is "100% in love with her," says a source. A pal claims Courtenay is "steaming mad that Lindsay has gone back" to Sam. Ooh, Dancing With The Stars drama: Cheryl Burke and Drew Lachey had an affair! Her boyfriend, Matthew Lawrence (Joey's brother), caught them having oral sex backstage in a dressing room. Drew is married and has a 2 year old daughter. Scandalous! Ooh-la-la, the pictures of Angie and Brad's ivy-covered "French Dream Home" look soooo nice. Six bedrooms and a pool! Halle Berry's baby daddy might actually move in with her. He's closed his NYC restaurant and will move to L.A. to be an actor. "He will do a soap opera if he has to," a source spills.
Grade: C+ (Duck duck goose)

Fig. 1



Fig. 2