Life & Style
"Forced To Live A Lie." The cover story is mainly rehashed stuff about Britney's past — her lip syncing, her boob job, etc. Then there's a story about Britney's kids' birthday party: Lynn and Jamie Lynn attended, and it was the first time that Sean and Jayden met little Maddie. Jenny McCarthy's son and Gwen Stefani's son were also guests at the party. Britney looks totally normal in jeans and a sweatshirt. Next: Lindsay's wearing a "massive" heart-shaped diamond ring on her engagement finger. Her rep denies that she's engaged; sources say she bought the ring herself at an antique store in NYC. Also inside: Jennifer Lopez is "Superwoman" because she did a triathlon in Malibu and threw a surprise party for Marc Anthony in NYC on the same day. Funny how she recovered from the "foot injury" that kept her from judging Project Runway! Lastly: Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli's on-again, off-again relationship is off.
Grade: F (broken toilet)

Ok!
"Miley's New Man." Miley Cyrus has been hanging out with a cute 20-year-old underwear model by the name of Justin Gaston — he's a also an aspiring country singer who was once on Nashville Star. Miley's dad Billy Ray introduced Justin to Miley and they've gone to church together a couple of times. His MySpace page says, "I love Jesus." Here's a picture of Justin in his underwear (Fig. 1). Also inside: Ben Affleck and the Geico Caveman are surprise look-alikes. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (broken Bakelite bangle)

In Touch
"The Richest & Poorest Stars." Intern Margaret suffered through eight pages of "completely random factoids about celebrities and money." It's all been previously reported, but the among the "poorest" seems to be Rihanna: There are rumors that she only has $20,000 in the bank. Ruben Studdard owes $200,000 in State and Federal taxes. Among the richest: Simon Cowell, who owns a $14 million house in London and a $20 million mansion in L.A. Next: Jessica Simpson says her "abuse" song is not about John Mayer. "I don't talk about my relationship with John Mayer anymore, because it's disrespectful to the man I'm in love with, and it's just… done." Plus! On Newlyweds, the parts where Nick and Jessica were fighting were edited out, because Jess's dad was a producer on the show. Also inside: Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester and Blake Lively don't speak to each other unless they have to. Pam Anderson and Mickey Rourke made out at a nightclub in Toronto. Ashley Olsen has asked Mary-Kate Olsen not to be involved with their higher-end fashion line, The Row, because MK parties all the time and doesn't take the business seriously. Is Lindsay Lohan cutting herself? There are inconclusive pictures of her taken after the MTV VMAs with what could be cutting scars, but also they sorta look like they could be old (Fig 3). While Jennifer Aniston was in Toronto for the film festival, she flirted with Gerard Butler at a party.
Grade: D- (warped vintage 78s)

Star
"Nicole Moves Out!" Apparently, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have been fighting and she keeps "storming off." Except the first time Nicole "stormed off" she went to her mom's house and came back the next day; the second time, she "stormed off" to Fashion Week and Joel joined her the next day. Then he walked out on her… by heading back to L.A. For the MTV VMA party. Where he was spotted flirting with Mischa Barton. It doesn't seem like Nicole actually moved out. Blind item! "What young diva was singing 'S.O.S' at the register when her credit card was declined? She said she'd come back to pick up the Gucci shoes another time, but she never did." Portia de Rossi plans to change her name to Portia DeGeneres! She and Ellen purchased stationery engraved with "Mrs. & Mrs. DeGeneres" from Tiffany and used it to write thank-you notes to their wedding guests. Jessica Simpson had a bad performance on Good Morning America because she stayed out late at a Marc Jacobs Fashion Week party the night before and got sloshed. Also: The back of her skirt blew up while she was singing on TV and she wasn't wearing undies. "The Brangie Bunch's Pigpen Castle!" story is about how the chateau is a mess: Maddox and Pax have set up an erector set in the front foyer, and the boys have toothpaste wars with Zahara and Shiloh. Maddox leaves blue hair dye all over the house. Angie lets them color all over the walls. When they go dirt biking, Brad doesn't make them wipe their feet when they come inside. There's more on Miley Cyrus's dude in here, with another underwear pic. Five-foot seven-inch Keira Knightley weighs only 99 lbs. She went to several parties where she didn't eat anything, only drank, and at one, she asked for a glass of water and when she stood up to drink it, she collapsed. Also thin: Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock (Fig. 4). Lastly: "Bristol Palin Stole My Guy" is about Levi Johnston's ex girlfriend, Lanesia Garcia, who used to be BFF with Bristol. Bristol urged Lanesia to break up with Levi, and as soon as she did, Bristol started dating Levi. Lanesia and Levi started dating at 12 and lost their virginity to each other at 15 and used protection. Just so you know.
Grade: C (stained Saarinen chair)

Us
"Too Thin For TV." The new stars of the new 90210, Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup, are pretty damn skinny. According to the mag, Jessica is 5'8" and 100lbs; Shenae is 5'3" and 90lbs. But! Both ladies weighed more (118 and 120, respectively) before they started the show. What is going on? A show source says, "I've never seen Jessica or Shenae eat." Another source says," They both smoke like chimneys." The pictures are disturbing (Fig. 5). Next: A French journalist asked Eva Longoria if she was pregnant and she said, "No, I'm just fat." Bristol Palin's future kid will "be in good company," the mag claims, because these people were also born to teen moms: Selena Gomez, Jack Nicholson, Debi Mazar and Barack Obama. Maddox Jolie-Pitt is being tutored at home in his French chateau. Homeschool! Lauren Conrad and Project Runway winner Christian Siriano are designing gowns for the "Emmy girls" who present statues during the awards show.
Grade: C+ (Steelcase tanker desk)

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Life & Style
"Best (& Worst) Summer Moments 2008!" Usually as we're flipping through these magazines, we use Post-It notes to tag the pages we want to talk about. I got all the way to p 74 — the horoscopes — before realizing that I hadn't tagged a single page. A first, in the history of Midweek Madness. Congrats! Lots and lots of shoes; no news.
Grade: Z (a black hole of nothingness)








OK!
"Jen Gets Revenge." This story was actually titled "Looking Good Is The Best Revenge" and was about how Jen usually "shuns photographer's lenses" but now is "showing off her body" and "creating photo ops." Whatever. Next. Oooh, Tim Gunn trashes this season's Project Runway contestants: "They walk around telling each other how great they are and I keep saying to them, someone is gonna go home. We have Stella and her leatha, she's got to get away from that, and she's constantly defending, 'That's what I do.' Then you're nothing but a one-note. You'd better get prepared to pack your bags." Lastly: Bridget from Girls Next Door was overheard hinting that both she and Kendra are going to move out after this season is over, because Holly is Hef's main girlfriend. And next season features a huge wedding.
Grade: F (silence)

Star
"46 Best And Worst Beach Bodies." Even though the cover says "all new photos," Intern Margaret says there was not a single new photo. A whopping sixteen pages of this issue are devoted to celebs in swimsuits. Usually they hate on the women more, but there was a lot of nitpicking on the men: Dean Cain, Joel McHale, Leo DiCaprio and Kanye West were all "worsts." Selma Blair ("looking far from pin-up perfect") and Katherine Heigl ("less-than-perfect rear view") were two of the "worst" ladies. But! Gordon Ramsay, Ian Ziering and James Van Der Beek are all in the "best" category! Which makes sense! I am being sarcastic! Moving on: Britney and Kevin are fighting because Kevin wants to take this kids on auditions, but Britney wants them to have a normal childhood. They are 3 and 23 months and Kevin says it should be fine if they are watched closely and not pushed into it. Nicole and Joel are falling apart because Joel's been getting way too cozy with other girls while on tour. "She feels like she's the one doing all the parenting while he's out working," a source spills. Next: Remember last week's Star, when Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt spoke on the phone? The next chapter of this story involves Jen feeling like she can have a relationship with Brad. A friendship, one that hopefully bothers John Mayer. Apparently Jen was in NYC and went to Nobu, which is John's fave restaurant, and also went to the Met "as a secret message." John used to say L.A. sucks because there are no museums and once asked her, "Do you even go to museums?" Anyway, as for Jen and Brad's friendship, a source says, "Brad promised that he'll try to meet up for coffee."
Grade: D- (polka)

Us
"Finally, My Side." Shannen Doherty gives a bitchy interview on the eve of 90210 2.0. She says she decided to be on the new show because she is rich and she has two nice houses and "Everything I have is because of my fans. This was my way of saying thank you." Then the interviewer made the mistake of asking about Tori and the old 90210. "I have not spoken to Tori. I don't know what her deal is," Shannen says. She also says she didn't read Tori's book and that she would never write a book about her castmates and that writing a book is "something you do in your eighties when you have no more chapters left." Plus! She says she's glad she is not blonde: "I'd hate to look like everybody else. I'm so happy I have dark hair." When asked if she knew that Tori and Brian Austin Green were a couple back in the day, she replies: "Didn't I just say I would never comment on another cast member? Don't ask me about the cast. Just don't." She's kind of awesome. This was good too: "I have a gap in the middle of my teeth, you know how many people wanted to cover that gap? My parents are like, don't you ever do that, that's what makes you different." Also inside: A "This Is Is Your Future" story featuring young Hollywood turning into older Hollywood (Fig. 1) Courteney Cox and David Arquette went on vacay with daughter Coco and met up with Isla Fisher, Sacha Baron Cohen and their daughter Oliver, plus Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Jen Meyer, and daughter Ruby. The whole gang went on a boat to swim with sea turtles! Coco was like a big sister to Ruby and Olive. As reported in dirt bag, Matthew McConaughey's mom reveals her husband, Matt's dad, died while she was having sex with him: "On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. One day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn't hear anything from him. Just nothing. But it was just the best way to go!" The answer to the cover question: Michael Phelps: Who's He Dating? is: No one. He says he wasn't making out with anyone in Beijing. There's a four page interview with Margaret Cho with details about her teenage date rape and her new TV show.
Grade: C+ ('80s pop hits)

In Touch
"Angelina's Furious About Brad Seeing Jen." Brad is going to the Toronto Film Festival on September 5th for Burn After Reading and Jen will arrive two days later to promote her movie, Management. "Angelina went crazy when she found out Brad and Jen will be in the same town at the same time." The mag goes on to say: "Compounding Angelina's pain is the fact that she is feeling insecure about the baby weight that she is still carrying while Jen looks sexier than ever since her split from John Mayer." LOL. Plus! "Angelina is having a difficult time dropping the estimated 50 lbs. she gained while pregnant with Vivienne and Knox. She 'has zero sex drive because she hates her post-pregnancy body,' reveals the insider. 'She told a close friend that if Brad sees Jen looking as hot as she does right now, he could be tempted.'" Moving on: A new book by Ian Halperin called Stalking Britney: Britney Under Siege comes out around Christmas and claims that in January 2007, after months of binge drinking and drug abuse, Britney took a large quantity of pills and washed them down with champagne. He alleges that after that, she attempted suicide three more times: Once in Promises rehab facility, where she tried to hang herself with a bedsheet; and once when she considered driving off a cliff in the middle of the night. (The last one's not in the mag, you'll have to buy the book.) Apparently she was suspected of being bipolar when she was 9 but her parents ignored it. There's more: Brit started doing coke at 16 and after her divorce, she had a $30,000 a week drug habit. And! She wanted to hire a hit man to knock Kevin off when he wouldn't stop taking her to court. Next! Janet Jackson has a dilemma: She is 42. Should she go on a crash diet for her tour or take care of herself so she can have fertility treatments? The guys on the set of Gossip Girl call Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick "Cha-Ed," pronounced "chay-ed." Which is just weird. Oooh, pictures of Michael Phelps making out with some chick in Beijing days after winning his medals. Can't see her face, though!
Grade: B- (obscure '80s tracks)

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Star
"Little Princesses." Intern Margaret says, "The story is summed up on the cover." It's six pages comparing growing up Shiloh Jolie-Pitt to growing up Suri Cuise. (Shiloh: Hand-me-downs, cookie monster, twin dollies, free spirit. Suri: $$$ Designer duds, still a bottle baby, security blanket, calls the shots.) After reading about who likes Nutella and Meerkat Manor, here's what you glean: Shiloh's the down-to-earth kid whose mom cuts her hair and who runs around the backyard getting dirty, while Suri gets salon cuts, throws a fit if her blanket is left behind and has a closet full of expensive dresses. Suri picks out her clothes herself, except when the nanny helps. Moving on: Christina Applegate has been dating Martyn Lenoble for several months and she wants to have his baby. So even though she has breast cancer, she doesn't want to have chemo or radiation until she gives birth. Some doctor who doesn't treat her says pregnancy can help some early-stage breast cancer. Next: While in Los Cabos, Mexico, John Mayer disappeared for a 25 minute walk with a young lady and came back smoking a cigar. There are hot tub pix. The mag says: "The notorious ladies man may have sparked the stogie to celebrate a flash of freedom far from his 39-year-old girlfriend and her baby dreams." Egads. Are Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds planning to get hitched this winter after ScarJo's birthday? The mag says will it be a traditional Jewish ceremony in NYC. Madonna is mad at Britney because the pictures of Brit's "surprise" video for the Sticky & Sweet tour got leaked online and Madge thinks Brit's camp is to blame. Blind item! "Which hot TV actor was lying when he said he wasn't dating a certain reality star? Source say she recently visited him on set, where they spent 2 hours flirting with each other." Guesses? Lastly: Reese lost 20 lbs. "for Jake."
Grade: F (anal fistula)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Cutest Kids." An 11-page "special" with lots of pictures of celebrity babies. Suri Cruise gets a 2-page spread about going to The Little Mermaid on Broadway and going bowling in New York. All of the kids get tags; for instance: Maddox is "the daredevil," Zahara is "the globe-trotter," Apple is "The Clotheshorse." Valentina Pinault, Salma Hayek's kid, is "The Accessorizer." She is 11 months old. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan thinks of the Ronsons as "the family she never had" because they are close to each other and not fucked up. She also changed her Facebook religion status to "I'm converting" so now there's speculation that she will become Jewish! Slow news summer. Next: Angelina's on a "race to get ready" for Brad Pitt's movie premiere August 27th. The movie is Burn After Reading and the mag claims Angie "wants to look like a trophy wife" on the red carpet so she's trying to lose 20 lbs. Insane on so many levels! There are newborn twins at home in addition to like a posse of other kids. Are we really supposed to believe she is worrying about her red carpet weight? Fuck.
Grade: F, but B if you LOVE baby pix. (self-correcting rectal prolapse)


Us Weekly
"18 Lbs In 10 Weeks!" Jennifer Love Hewitt exclusive! There's a different picture from a different angle inside the magazine and her body looks different. Not as whittled down. In the six-page story, the mag talks to her trainer and discovers — shocker — that Love Hewitt has been working out more and eating less. If you're interested in her exact diet and workout plan, it's there, in all of its boring detail. (No carbs after 3pm.) Next: Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer headed for a breakup? (Did it already happen?) There are pictures of him in a hot tub with some chicks, looking smug and smoking a cigar. Us also calls out Star and OK!'s "fake news" for running Jen/John baby and marriage stories last week. Also inside: In a 4-page story interview with Lauren and Lo about The Hills, the reporter compliments LC's runny mascara in the season 4 trailer. Lauren responds by naming the mascara and eyeliner she was wearing that day, which happen to be Avon, the company she reps. Ooh! A picture of the transgendered contestant on the upcoming cycle of America's Next Top Model! Her name is Isis (Fig. 1). Lastly, Ali Lohan has, um, filled out. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (anal abscess)


OK!
"Britney Tells All ABout Her Boys And Her New Life." Brit's "first interview in 2 years" is 8 pages long, with new pictures of Jayden and whatshisface wearing white tuxedoes in the backyard. Britney is wearing a white dress but it's like, a bikini cover-up that you can see through and the top is split from sternum to belly. The story is filled with the humdrum details of Brit's daily life: She reads the boys Berenstein Bears books. There's kiddie artwork on the fridge. She makes them pancakes. Intern Margaret says, "It's chock full of details, but they're details you don't care about. She seems healthy." Brit says she has a good relationship with her mom now and and appreciates her more. It ends on a hopeful though frightening note: Britney is writing a lot of songs for her new album. Next: The first line of the "Suri & The City" story reads, "Move over Carrie Bradshaw, there's a new trendsetter in town!" More on ScarJo's wedding: Even though Scarlett has said she has no immediate plans to get married, she was spotted reading InStyle Weddings & Brides, and an spy says "You could tell that she had earmarked pages." Plus! She totally wore white to a movie premiere! Lastly: "Is Lindsay A Faux-Mosexual?" She was seen flirting with guys. She's also "the aggressive one" in her relationship with Sam.
Grade: C- (anal fissure)


In Touch
"Jamie Lynn Betrayed." The mag tracked down Kelli Dawson, 28, who claims she had a relationship with 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn's fiancé and baby daddy. Kelli, 28, yes, 28 years old, is photographed in virginal white wearing a wooden cross around her neck. She says: "I still love him and I think he loves me." They were still sleeping together when JLS was six months pregnant with Casey's baby. Kelli says, "I see him all the time, at least once a week." They live in the same town. "I think that he's trapped," Kelli sighs. She also says: "When I see Jamie Lynn doing interviews and talking about how happy she is with Casey, it seems so fake. She is trying to paint a pretty picture, but it's messy art." Truth! Moving on: The "Jen And John Take A Break" story has more hot tub pix. Page 6 of this issue has a poll question, "Are you surprised that Britney hasn't had sex in 7 months?" (Fig. 3) It makes little sense until you get to page 56, where you find a story called "Seven Months Without Sex!" So basically, Britney's been working out instead of getting laid. Also she's been living with her dad. Dr. Drew says: "With bipolar, you become hypersexual. Before Britney began treatment, sleeping around with different men could have been the result of the manic state she was in." Britney joked to a friend: "How do you make out with a guy while your dad watches?" Next: Nicole and Joel have hit a rough patch. She's living in his house in Glendale and feels likes she's stuck in the suburbs. She wants to move back to Hollywood! Also, is her baby daddy helping enough? While on tour, Joel said: "It's hard to be on the road, but I have a great girl and she takes care of everything." Lastly: Guy Ritchie gave Madonna a $100,00 Rolex Masterpiece in tricolor 18K gold, surrounded by 42 brilliant baguette cut diamonds, the "ultimate timepiece."
Grade: C (hemorrhoids)

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Life & Style
"Is Lindsay Gay?" Are Lindsay and Sam "finally" coming out, asks the magazine? Intern Margaret laments all the old info in this story and calls it a "waste of time." But! According to a pal, LL and Sam got matching tattoos. What do you think they got inked? Moving on: Britney is so desperate for a real friend, she had to go sunbathing with her dad. Next: Vanessa Hudgens, 19, was "throwing back drinks" while vacationing with Zac Efron, but the drinking age on the Caribbean island is 18, so who cares? (Intern Margaret says, "The info in this issue was so lame and so old, I actually checked the date on the front cover to make sure I had the right one.") Mary-Kate made a T-shirt with Heidi and Spencer's faces on it and the text: "Heidi's Ho." Apparently Lauren Conrad wants one. Lastly: The story called "Ashlee's Junk Food Pregnancy Diet" really belongs in a Hall Of Shame. The Simpson family went to a Mexican restaurant and ordered a bunch of appetizers. "Everyone else was nibbling, but Ashlee ate more than her share," says a source. And she had her own entrée. THE HORROR! The magazine says: "The plate of two deep-fried Tijuana eggrolls could have as many as 2,015 calories — about what Ashlee should be eating in an entire day!" Continues the story: "Ashlee's problem is that she believes she's eating for two," says an insider. Maybe because she is gestating a human in her womb?
Grade: F (freezer-burned frozen pizza)

In Touch
"The Twins Are Here!" After an "amazing nine months," Angelina has given birth. A hospital insider says: "The babies are not big criers. Angelina is in great condition, but a bit fatigued." Moving on: Jen Aniston was "betrayed" by John Mayer. While in Amsterdam, John met a woman he thought was Dutch and said "I am John, I am a singer." She turned out to be a writer, Chaton Anderson, from California. She knew he was dating Jen but asked him what his relationship status was. He said "It's vague." She asked him to clarify and he said, "You know, it's very vague." Also inside: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens had a "sexy vacation" in Turks & Caicos and there are four pages of pictures to prove it. On a photo of Jessica Simpson, the mag uses the phrase "Da Bomb", rendering it officially uncool (Fig 1). Is Lindsay getting skinny for Sam? She want to be as slim as her girlfriend, who weighs 104 lbs. Oh, and they share clothes. Was A-Rod tricked by Madonna? Her "friend" says: "Madonna is a huge flirt and she knows how to make someone feel like they're the center of her universe. She knew that she meant a lot to [A-Rod], but never discouraged him." Next: Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr might be broken up, because Miranda was seen making out with oily oil heir Brandon Davis. Suri Cruise has a French tutor! She knows more words in English, but she's doing really well in French. She's two.
Grade: D- (milk one week past its expiration date)

OK!
"Dream Baby." Jessica Alba sold herself — and her family — to the mag. Little Honor Marie's first photo shoot! Apparently the birth was very calm. Jessica says, "I didn't scream… It was really zen… The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused." Husband Cash Warren says: "I want [Honor] to look like me because a daughter looking like Jessica, I'd kill myself!" Also: The name Honor is stolen from one of Jessica's friends who liked it but was done having kids. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson hold hands in public now and Sam has updated her Facebook status to "in a relationship." Love! The ladies who look "Better After Breakup" are: Carrie Underwood, Pink and Liv Tyler. The "10 Ways To Spot A Cheater" story has Christie Brinkley in the lead photo, ouch. An insider thinks Jennifer Aniston will marry John Mayer before her 40th in February. The "How Melissa Joan Hart Shed The Baby Weight" article has two important details: She has a trainer and a nutritionist.
Grade: D (moldy bread)

Us
"Reese & Jake's Family Vacation." The story opens with a super cute picture of Jake, Reese and Ava holding hands, awww (Fig. 2). The group went to London and Paris and it was a "trial run" for Jake to see if he could handle the kids. It's a 6-page story with tons of pictures but it was pretty run-of-the-mill: They went into through The Chunnel, watched fireworks, swam in the pool, ate pizza. Moving on: There's no new news in the Angelina twins story but in the sidebar, a "pal" says of Jennifer Aniston: "She hopes the twins are beautiful. She'd never want anyone to be unhappy with their kids." Next: Katherine Heigl will "die" on Grey's Anatomy! Izzie may get a brain tumor because the writers are still mad at her. "Hunky" Jeffrey Dean Morgan may come back in visions brought on by the tumor. So you know those pictures of Heidi and Spencer holding guns? They're learning to shoot and handle firearms in honor of Heidi's stepbrother who died in Iraq. Spencer says, "Heidi wants to perform for the troops in Iraq. And if anything goes down while we're there and they toss us a gun, we want to know what we're doing." T.R. Knight, 35, has moved in with his boyfriend Mark Cornelsen, 19. Natalie Portman has moved from New York to L.A. and is spending loads of time with bf Devendra Banhart. "A visibly shaken" Verne Troyer sat down with the magazine to talk about his sex tape kerfluffle. It was the idea of Ranae, the ex-girlfriend, to make a video, says Verne: "She kept the tape in her camera on top of the closet where I couldn't even reach it!"
Grade: D+ (wet, damaged, wilted lettuce)

Star
"Shiloh Meets The Twins!" Okay, so Angelina gave birth and Shiloh left her dolls at home to go visit the twins. She brought toy bottles as presents for the babies, aww. When they told Shiloh the names of the kids, she said "Vivi and Nosh?" because she can't pronounce Vivienne and Knox. So those are the twins' new nicknames. The night before the babies were born, Brad Pitt and Angie's bro James Haven slept in Angie's room. The whole birthing process was filmed. Baby Knox was in the "dangerous" feet-first position. But everything turned out alright. Brad took his shirt off and held Knox against his skin — and Angelina did the same with Vivienne — according to the mag, "so the infants both had the feeling of their parents' flesh as their first sensation." Moving on: "More To Love" is a story about how Jessica Simpson has gained 30 lbs. Apparently when she's happy, she's heavier, and when she's sad, she's skinny. There's a chart of her ups and downs but she kind of looks the same in every picture. She's been telling friends she wants a baby because it would be cute if she and sister Ashlee had kids that were close in age. The idea of that freaks Tony out. Next: The new 90210 maybe have a "cat fight" brewing, since the ladies on the show feuded years ago and are coming back. Jennie Garth is nervous about working with Shannen Doherty and eagerly awaiting Tori Spelling's arrival on set. Also inside: Michael Bublé just broke up with Emily Blunt and has already been spotted with a blonde… and the next night, a brunette. For some reason the magazine prints the receipt from when Colin Farrell and his girlfriend bought a pregnancy test at Rite Aid. Is 22-year-old Amanda Bynes dating 34-year-old Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy fame? Reese and Jake will use their dog, Atticus, as the ring bearer at their as-yet-unplanned wedding. Yes, this is the dog that Jake and Kiki Dunst adopted together. But Atticus now lives with Reese full time. Blind item! "Which rock star's teenage daughter is heading down the same path as her parents? A source says she is drinking and drugging with other rich kids in Malibu." Madonna and Guy Ritchie's children are "caught in the middle" of their tumultuous lives. Seven year old Rocco made a "desperate" trans-Atlantic phone call to his dad, saying he missed him and begging him not to leave. Days later, Guy arrived in New York. The day after the pictures of Lindsay and Sam holding hands were taken, Sam flew to Vancouver for a gig. LL sent her a Facebook message that said,"Baby baby, baby, I miss you already. I hate that you had to leave me this morning. I love you." Lastly: It's a gir;! Star can "exclusively" reveal that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is having a daughter. The due date: October 31, Halloween. Pete Wentz, who has been sewing since high school, is making onesies and diapers for the kid already.
Grade: C (congealed spaghetti with sauce)

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Life & Style
"Baby Album." OMG babiezzz. Eight pages of details on celebrity infants and new moms and dads, if you care, which we don't. Included are: Harlow Madden, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban (no pictures), Trista Sutter's son Max, Ali Landry's daughter Estella, Gabrielle Reese's son Brody Jo Hamilton and Melissa Joan Hart's son Braydon. Next: Madonna and A-Rod news: "He's just her type," says a source. "She loves attractive, muscular Latin men." Who doesn't? Allegedly Cynthia Rodriguez found a letter Alex had written to Madonna which read, "You are my true soulmate." Meanwhile, who is watching the kids? Madonna's daughter Lourdes was seen throwing blueberries at people on the sidewalk from her balcony in New York (Fig 1). Next: On her birthday, Lindsay Lohan got a message from Samantha Ronson on her BlackBerry, which she left up all day. It said: "I love you, honey. Happy four month anniversary!" Awww. We knew back in April that it was love!
Grade: C- (hot breeze)

OK!
"Jamie Lynn's Baby Maddie!" JLS says: "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world!" Intern Margaret read the whole eight-page story and says JLS sounds "extremely sane and disappointingly normal." Also, despite previous reports, there was no C-section and Casey was in the delivery room but didn't faint. JLS says if Maddie wants to go into show business, she'll support her daughter 100%. Moving on! Tom and Katie spent July 4th at Tom's ranch in Telluride, CO and were joined by the Beckham brood. Barack Obama told his daughters "yes we can" get a dog after the election. Madonna and Guy's marriage has apparently been over for two years. A source says: "Madonna and Alex are having fun. She has 'sexy friends' in New York, London and Los Angeles — and all over the world." Lastly: Was Nicole Richie kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas because she hit a guy after he slapped her ass at the valet stand?
Grade: C (cool breeze)

Us
"Caught!" Alex Rodriguez supposedly exchanges sexy text messages with Madonna. He told a source: "She's my fucking soulmate, dude!" He's also way into Kabbalah now. His friends say "He's been brainwashed." But! Madonna is already over it. "She only wants someone when it's a challenge," says a source. She ruined Alex's marriage, and she feels she won… So it's on to the next challenge." Also inside: There's an "exclusive" five-page story about Andrew "The Bachelor" Firestone's wedding but we simply do not care. Next: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long split because neither of them wanted to go to the next level, whatever that is. Also Drew thought he was immature. They're still friends, naturally. Have you seen Jennifer Lopez's baby girl (Fig. 2)? Courtney Love is a "trainwreck" with an alternate persona called Cherry Kookoo. The mag has actual train tracks on this page about her. Did you see her riding in the shopping cart? She explains that thusly: "He just threw me in and bam bam bam razzi razzi." (Fig. 3) Ellen and Portia are planning their wedding. Portia says "It's going to be kind of big." Yay! Jennifer Aniston is on a "love tour" as she follows John Mayer on his tour. In just two weeks they have hit seven cities in the US, Canada and Europe.
Grade: C+ (paper fan from Chinatown)

Star
"Mary-Kate Back To Rehab?" MK's been partying a lot and her friends are convinced it's because of her inability to accept Heath's death. (See? It says it right there on the cover: "Haunted by Heath.") She might be anorexic again. [I saw her on 'Letterman' and she looked quite healthy. -Ed.] Moving on: Tom Cruise has packed on 25 lbs. His "chiseled torso" and "muscle-bound shoulders" are MIA. In their place "a chunky, definitely unhunky rear view, complete with flabby delts and love handles flopping over his jeans." Judge for yourself (Fig. 4). Also inside: Jodie Foster has a new girlfriend and they are playing house! Michelle Williams is "trying to move on." A source says behind closed doors "she sobs her heart out" and can barely handle seeing Dark Knight posters. Brody Jenner's family is worried that he's an alcoholic. And they have reason to be worried! "He used to be a fun guy to be around, but now he's just an obnoxious drunk," an insider snarls. While on bed rest, Angelina Jolie has been watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. There's a six-page story on Hollywood's Hottest Bromances: Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala; Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell; Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick.
Grade: B- (electric fan)

In Touch
"The Truth About Their Steamy Affair." Madonna has told a pal that she "loves Alex, but only as a friend." But! Alex supposedly rented a separate apartment just as a "secret love nest." Moving on: Angelina hasn't been walking around the hospital. She's just been lying in bed, reading magazines, typing on her computer and talking on the phone. Because she's on bed rest. Next: Britney's kids don't know her, a story claims. They're dependent on the nanny, who wakes them up, feeds them breakfast and puts them down for naps. The nanny loves the boys with all her heart. Oh! Heidi Montag went to the DMV with Spencer Pratt to register to vote! Score one for John McCain! Colin Farrell has gone public with his relationship with English novelist Emma Forrest, by the by. Rumer Willis says: "There's so much pressure to look a certain way and I don't fit the convention, but it's okay if you're not the perfect picture." Post-baby Jessica Alba wants her old body back. She "let herself" have pasta and bread recently and "couldn't resist" a "sweet treat" from Pinkberry a few days later. How dare a Hollywood mom eat! Chris Kattan's wedding seems awesome: Parker Posey was his "best man." Brooke Shields, Will Ferrell and Charlie Sheen were there, as well as so many more (Fig. 5)! Benji Madden won't let Paris get a tattoo. "He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure," she explains. But! He plans to get one of her face.
Grade: B (air conditioning)

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OK!
"Baby Time For Jen." The cover says: "He's in love, she's ready to commit, it's now or never!" Because the mags love to paint Jen as a desperado over the hill spinster with rugratlust. Intern Margaret says, "There's nothing new in this story. They just refer to a 2005 Vanity Fair article. They're not even stealing from recent interviews." Moving on: "Hollywood's Best-Dressed Little Girls" is full of details like: Suri's got a million-dollar wardrobe, Matilda Ledger is a Brooklyn hipster, Ava Phillppe is a "little lady" and not a sex pot. She is eight. Next: Madonna and A-Rod are "sexy new friends." Same old stuff: they have the same manager, they work out at the same place, he invited the kids to watch a Yankee game. Also inside: Dina Lohan is "shocked" that Lindsay might have a secret half-sister. The other woman, Kristi Kaufmann, says "Many times, I offered to do this privately, so the other Lohan kids wouldn't be hurt." Apparently Michael has known about the kid since she was 2! Lastly: "15 Tips For Getting And Keeping A Guy" is a sexist story that beings, "Poor Carrie Underwood is perpetually single. Now OK! is taking her through Dating Boot Camp to whip her love life back into shape." Tips include: "Unfortunately, men really are that shallow when it comes to your body… If you want a perfect set, wear the perfect bra. He won't know the difference… No guy wants to date a woman who looks like a 12-year-old boy." Also: "Men love a good booty… With a low-carb diet, this will create the traffic-stopping booty all men pay attention to! In the meantime… Spanx Power Panties can give a girl a good shape until she reaches her body-beautiful level of fitness." Oh, and Tip #8: "Don't panic if he doesn't call… You are not yet his priority, so be patient… To him, a call equals a commitment… And don't call him: girls don't call boys."
Grade: F (soggy unsalted popcorn kernels)

Us
"It's Over!" Have you heard? Madonna and Guy Ritchie are on the rocks. Apparently they've been in counseling with a rabbi from the Kabbalah center, but "They just can't stand being together." Meanwhile, Madge was sitting in Alex Rodriguez's VIP seats at the Yankee game. Peeps say Madonna won't announce the divorce until her Sticky and Sweet tour is over, on November 30. She fell in love with Guy because he was the only man to ever stand up to her, sources say; "She was so whipped in the beginning she was making him tea and washing his clothes." But! He keeps her on a short leash. She has to drop everything to meet him for dinner every night and she can't be late or, as she says, "He'll kill me." Moving on: The Anne Hathaway story is called "In Love With A Loser" and has all the dirty details about Raffaello Follieri, which we have covered pretty extensively. Next: Hollywood's bikini diets! Jennifer Aniston eats salads, Rihanna ditches carbs, Gwyneth works out, etc. Also inside: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are still on! Keanu Reeves seems to be dating China Chow — there are pics of them frolicking on the beach. Naomi Watts is four months pregnant. A Rolling Stone writer went to Amy Winehouse's home to interview her an accidentally saw a picture of her on the phone while "performing a sex act" on hubby Blake Fielder-Civil. Amy just laughed and made a joke about multi-tasking.
Grade: D (broken Necco Wafers)

Life & Style
"Hogan Exclusive: An American Family Torn Apart." Last week, Brooke told one of the mags that she doesn't speak to her mother. This week, Brooke says: "I don't talk to her every day like I used to, but we talk." Yawn. Did the show really have 90 million viewers>? Really? Moving on: Does Britney have a "secret plan" to get Kevin back? The mag claims that Kev and Brit want to move to New York together because Brit was in serious talks to be the new Sandy in Grease on Broadway. She really wanted to do it, but her dad said no. Kevin was in talks to be the new UPS guy in Legally Blonde, so yeah. Next: Are Paris and Nicole still friends? In a word, yes. Also inside: Lindsay was flirting with some guy in front of Samantha Ronson and Sam got jealous. She wouldn't even shake the dude's hand when LL introduced them. In "Stars' Slim Down Beauty Secrets," we learn that Lauren Conrad "looks buff side-set pony" and "peachy gloss plays up" Eva Longoria's "bone structure." So much bullshit, so little time.
Grade: C- (melted Milk Duds)

In Touch
"Who's Really Pregnant?" This story is really vague, but if you read closely, you'll discover that Gwyneth Paltrow, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Garner, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Beyoncé are not pregnant. Moving on: In an interesting twist, there's a story about a malecelebrity being too thin! Marc Anthony is "scary skinny" and "has a love-hate relationship with food." He's 5 foot 7 and 110 lbs. "You have to understand what it's like to be Puerto Rican and thin," says Mark. "It's painful." We've helpfully scanned a photo for you (Fig. 1). Also inside: Cute new picture of Harlow Madden (Fig.2)! Kate Moss's daughter has an I ♥ Kate Moss T-shirt. "Heartbroken" Anne Hathaway has lost 25 lbs. (Fig. 3). Heather Locklear, who is in rehab for depression and meds, has a "dangerously wild side she's kept hidden from the world." This is illustrated by a bunch of pictures of Heather looking like a drunken mess. Um, we present, without comment, a story called "Mini-Me Cheated On Me." See Fig. 4. Also, have you seen Lindsay Lohan's rumored half-sister from a lady Michael Lohan hooked up with about 13 years ago? (See Fig. 5) Megan Fox has called off her engagement to Brian Austin Green, but she has a "Brian" tattoo on her hip, so the mag helpfully suggests she could date news anchor Brian Williams, Conan O'Brien or Brian, the dog from Family Guy. Next: In an interview, George Clooney says, "I'm not a playboy. If I'd been with all the women that I was said to have been with, I wouldn't have had the time to shoot one single movie." He also says: "If you have beautiful and strong hair, then you're successful with women. In the case of [my] hair loss, it's all over." And! "I spend at least three or four hours a day in the bathroom. Being sexy day and night is a big responsibility. And I like taking it!" Next, "Hollywood's Best Boobs" is a photo-driven six page oeuvre which focuses on the mammaries. Audrina Patridge, Carmen Electra, Jennifer Aniston are lucky enough to be on this list. Number one? Jessica Simpson. Lastly: The best thing in the mag was a picture of puppies. (Fig 6.)
Grade: C+ (stuck-together Gummi bears)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup." This story is supposed to make you feel better, because "even celebs need help to look fab." But here's what the mag says about stars: Katherine Heigl: "There is no excuse for baring those bumps on her forehead." Eva Longoria: "Without contouring, her face appears puffy and full, and the 33-year-old's eyes are lost without defining liner." Kim Kardashian "loses much of her sizzle without her vampy game face. But she also looks years younger — and remarkably wholesome!" This nit-picking of women goes on for ten pages. Moving on: When Ben Affleck first got together with Jen Garner, he told her he was sober and had stopped playing poker. But! He still plays in private games all over L.A. and bets tens and even hundreds of thousands of dollars on hands. Jen's ultimatum: Give it up or lose your family. Next: Inside Lindsay and Samantha's "Hot Romance!" The "hottest young same-sex couple" are "playing house and loving every minute of it." And yes, they share a bed! A source says, "Sam's the boss, the husband, Lindsay is the passive one, the wife. It works for them." Also, "Lindsay brags that they have great morning sex." They share salads at restaurants because they are determined to stay thin for each other, because they think a lean look makes them hot. They also splurge on naughty sex toys and when they're not together, each of them sprays perfume on a piece clothing for the other to take with her. Sam lent LL her $180 vintage Foreigner sweatshirt and she doused it with Clinique Happy. They also want to get a dog; LL wanted a little pup but Sam suggested they adopt a mutt, so they're visiting shelters to look for a cute canine. "Sam's the only person who has managed to make Lindsay feel loved and protected and respected." a source says. "Everyone else in Lindsay's life has used her." Awww. Sniff. Also inside: Spencer and Heidi want to be the next Sonny and Cher, they're in talks with ABC to develop a variety show. Heather Locklear spent a weekend at home binging on drugs and alcohol before heading into rehab. She was on anti-depressants, pain meds, prescription and non-prescription drugs and sleeping pills while boozing it up. Oh, and coke.
Grade: A, downgraded to B- for cover story (misshapen M&Ms)

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Life & Style
"From Party Girls To Moms." Christina Aguilera has been "clubbing up a storm" and almost made out with a girl she was grinding on the dancefloor with. Hubby Jordan stopped her. Nicole Richie misses her party pals and now when she goes out she has to bring her breast pump with her, sigh. As for JLS, she refused to go home to Kentwood with mom Lynn and is staying in Liberty, Mississippi with her baby and baby daddy in their own house. Also inside: Apparently Angelina's assistant (and good friend) Holly Goline is pregnant too! And due at the same time as Angelina! Everyone is panicking! Because Holly had a medical scare! But Angie called the hospital and said she was Angelina Jolie and needed someone right away, so the doctor made a house call. Everything's fine. Except Maddox and Pax set off some security alarms while climbing trees, so it's kind of chaos. Next: Tori Spelling has "lost the baby weight" already. Her kid was born June 9 and it is June 25. WTF. Is Will Smith secretly a Scientologist? Signs point to yes. Lastly: Nicole Kidman's "secret heartbreak" is that Isabella Connor never visit her. They're being raised as Scientologists and call Katie Holmes "mom" and Nicole "Nicole."
Grade: D (saltwater)

OK!
"Tori's Miracle Baby Girl" To be honest, we didn't read this entire cover story. But baby Stella Doreen, born June 9, weighing 6lbs and 8 ounces, is making Tori Spelling super happy. She's psyched to have a daughter, blah blah blah. Moving on: Another baby! Jamie Lynn wants little Maddie Briann to have a normal life that is more Kentwood than Hollywood. The mag claims that only medical professionals were in the delivery room with JLS and calls her "charmingly old-fashioned." Jennifer Aniston supposedly wants John Mayer to buy her a ring and pop the question. But! John's "friend" says he's not the marrying kind and Jen had better stop pressuring him or he'll dump her. Fuck you, dude. Also inside: When Kate Cruise hits Broadway, she'll be billed as the more familiar Katie Holmes. Tina Fey wants Oprah to be on 30 Rock. That would be awesome. Natalie Portman will be a Project Runway judge? Hmm. The "Best Pecs" spread includes Hugh Jackman, David Beckham and, drumroll please, Barack Obama (Fig. 1). Two pages on same-sex couples! Who will be the first to wed? All the lesbian couples (Ellen and Portia, Tammy and Melissa, Cynthia and Christine) will probably get hitched, the gay dudes (Neil Patrick Harris and TR Knight) have no plans, haha. The two—page story called "Get Your Man In Shape" includes the following tip: "Join a gym together and ask him how to use the machines." Seriously?
Grade: D+ (unsweetened lemonade)

In Touch
"Best & Worst Beach Bodies." Audrina Patridge, Matthew McConaughey and Gavin Rossdale are "best." Heidi Klum, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mariah Carey are "worst." But actually, judging people in their swimsuits is what is "worst." Moving on: Brad "left" Angelina… to go to a Radiohead concert in Italy. He went with Ed Norton and some other peeps and knew the words to of all the songs. He had the audacity to have wine and appetizers after the show even though this heavily pregnant wife was at home in France. Brad slept at George Clooney's house that night. Rough times. Also inside: Jamie Lynn has the daughter that Britney always wanted. Sob. Oh, and JLS named her baby Maddie Briann after the Madeline books she loved as a kid and her brother Bryan. Denise Richards says: "My kids are in therapy. It's really sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it's good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate." Sam is 4 and Lola is 3. Does it the fact that mom has a reality show help? Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have been together for a month and she's already telling him "I love you." The magazine helpfully points out that Lance loves blondes: notches on his bike include ex-wife Kristin Richard, Sheryl Crow, Tory Burch and model Kim Strother. Meanwhile: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long love to party! The mag says Drew's "booze-soaked romance with Justin could be detrimental to her health and career." Let's not forget that Drew's been in rehab twice. Lastly: Corey Haim dated Victoria Beckham back in 1995, when she was Victoria Adams, aka Posh Spice. What if they had stayed together? Let that sink in.
Grade: C- (warm Mountain Dew)

Us
"Jake Moves In!" Jake Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese Witherspoon's $5 million L.A. home, even though he still has his own $2.5 million bachelor pad in the Hollywood Hills. But! He keeps his stuff at her place and uses it as a home base. Moving on: Kristen Johnston says, "I realize I'm too skinny." She's 6 foot tall and 133 lbs. She says a burst ulcer spurred a 60 lb. weight loss and forced her to change her eating habits. She claims she only weighs 5 lbs. less than she did when she was on 3rd Rock but, whatever (Fig. 2). Next: Jamie Lynn Spears will breastfeed and has no plans to hire a nanny. Brooke Hogan is NOT happy that her mom has a teenage boyfriend. Brooke tells the magazine, "I know if I was 48 years old, I wouldn't date a 19-year-old." Brooke doesn't speak to her mom anymore, but their path cross at jail when they visit Nick. Lastly: Male bikini waxing is all the rage. Sean Diddy Combs says, "I wax my privates." And Jay-Z also thinks "bald is beautiful," according to the mag.
Grade: C+ (unsweetened iced tea)

Star
"Delivery Room Drama!" Love the coverlines "Casey passes out, Britney flees." Doctors urged a C-section, but Jamie Lynn Spears refused. The baby's heart rate dropped everytime JLS pushed, and docs discovered that the umbilical cord was too short and wrapped around the baby's neck. The obstetrician had to cut the umbilical cord while the rest of the baby's body was still inside Jamie Lynn! That's when Casey fainted, fell to the floor and was out for 2 seconds. Also! The baby had neo-natal jaundice. Grandma Lynn Spears wants a DNA test ASAP because she's not sure Casey is the father— and neither is JLS. Next: Did Liv Tyler break up with her husband because of her "deep friendship" with Edward Norton? She doesn't know if she wants a divorce but Ed is "waiting in the wings" and has told his friends she is "the kind of woman every man dreams of having." Drew Barrymore is 3 years older than Justin Long, but has taken to calling him "daddy." She also asks him for permission to go out with her friends, eat candy and watch TV. Blind item! "Which pregnant actress isn't so honorable after all? She visited the DNA diagnostic center in NYC in April because she isn't sure who the baby girl's daddy is… But it's not her hubby." Heidi and Spencer don't sleep in the same room and if they weren't making millions as a couple, they'd be broken up for sure, a source says. They smile on film but fight as soon as the cameraman walks away. "Angelina's Pregnancy Diary" is about how she's recording the special moments of being knocked up in a book while on bed rest. She won't let Brad read it, but the mag has details! She's written in her journal regarding her daydreams about how the twins will look and sound and how she's ready for the twins to just come out already. Jennifer Aniston is so madly in love with John Mayer that she's looking into getting a $10,000 body makeover, including a botox, collagen and boob job. She also thinks a good way to show John that she's spontaneous would be to get some tattoos! Lastly: Nicole Richie is ready for another baby! And the mag says it looks like she's already hiding a new baby bump and has been wearing loose clothes. Plus, she was seen drinking water when everyone else was drinking champagne, so she must be pregnant.
Grade: B- (cold NYC tap water)

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Us
"I'm Ready To Say 'I Do.'" Intern Sharon says, "You know how the New Yorker has a serialized novel? That is what this is like." Yes, Us is still pushing the idiotic soap opera that is Heidi and Spencer. The magazine printed six epic pages of interview with the loathsome Montag and Pratt. HighLowlights: Heidi says, "We were walking at sunset and he had a little picnic made for me, with chocolate-covered strawberries and Dom Perignon. It was pretty much a preproposal." Yes, that's right. A PREPROPOSAL. Even thought this couple has already been engaged. "He is ready to really propose to me, down on one knee, with the right ring," Heidi explains. "The other one failed. Why would we use a failed ring? A new ring means a fresh start, a fresh love and a fresh engagement. Plus, I didn't get to pick it out. I want something much bigger, and one that comes from the heart, not some purple thing." (Fig. 1) Ugh. These people are vile. Oh! And Heidi also says: "I want to perform at my wedding. It's a special song that I'm working on for Spencer." And she'd like U2 to be her wedding band. Also inside: Will Smith spent $1 million to fund a school that employs teaching techniques established by L. Ron Hubbard. But! His kids are home schooled. Lastly: When Pete Wentz said he was honeymooning in a basement, he was joking, you guys. He and Ashlee actually went to a resort in Turks And Caicos, in the Caribbean.
Grade: F, but a gold star for the over-the-top, predictable, almost campy romance novel cover story

OK!
"Brit's Private Mommy Moments."
Britney sometimes hangs out with her kids, and they like it. Brit has been reading self-help books like Jack Canfield's Key To Living The Law Of Attraction: A Simple Guide To Creating The Life Of Your Dreams. She is also maybe dating her William Morris Agent Jason Trawick. Also inside: Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz getting a reality show? It will be like sister Jessica's Newlyweds. Footage includes a dinner where everyone toasts to business ventures but Ashlee toasts to jewelry. Ha. There's a poll called "Who Looks Better Bald" (Fig. 2) and no one likes Cameron Diaz's head. Angelina and Brad's new house has an organic vineyard, so expect the couple to take up winemaking! Intern Sharon says, "They're so Stuff White People Like."
Grade: D- with demerits for being boring

In Touch
"Brad Fears For The Babies" Angelina was having early contractions, so she and Brad had to call the hospital. She was barely 26 weeks at the time. She's scheduled to have a C-section July 11. There was drama at a Toys R Us near Cannes because Angelina wanted to shop but Brad thought she should be resting. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan is with Sam Ronson after "turbulent relationships with men" because you know, shitty dudes can make chicks gay! Sam wants to marry Lindsay and makes sure she stays sober, aww. Jamie Lynn's baby daddy Casey doesn't want to sign a pre-nup, uh-oh! Good news for "fans" of her "music": Paris Hilton is working on a new album. It will, of course, be "edgier." Benji Madden is helping, naturally, and Paris says, "It's a lot more of dance music that you want to hear in a club."
Grade: D- with detention and three days in a dunce cap for constant fake baby jeopardy "news"

Life & Style
"Shiloh's Lonely World." Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has "been throwing tantrums and crying a lot," the mag claims. Um, she is two; that's par for the course. A source says she wants to be the baby and sleep with mom and dad. Again, not a crime at her age. When Angie takes her shopping and asks "Shi" to pick something out for the twins, Shi throws a fit. Moving on: Lindsay and Sam are sooo in love. A source says Sam's open about her sexuality and she was finally able to convince Lindsay that being a couple is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sweet. Britney's got a "major crush" on her agent, Jason Trawick. He was in Costa Rica with her recently. "He cares about her and wants her to succeed, but he's not interested in her romantically," a source spills. Jamie Lynn is being watched because she MIGHT have preeclampsia. Or not. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong danced to '80s music and made out all over Cannes. The people who are making Point Break: Indo want Patrick Swayze to be in it. Jessica Alba married Cash Warren because she was praying for her baby and realized it was important to "do the right thing." Madonna says, "I'm not against plastic surgery, I'm against discussing it." Lastly: Is it offensive or just weird that a caption on "Hollywood's Tan Secrets" reads: "A deep tan makes Adrienne look exotic"? (Fig 3). Ms. Bailon, of Cheetah Girls fame, is Puerto Rican, born in New York.
Grade: D, bonus points for Madonna quote, points deducted for fake Shiloh drama story

Star
Absent from class. Info available online, but that's just not the same, is it?

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Life & Style
"I Got My Body Back!" Britney is losing weight because she spends hours at the gym, dances a lot, and her dad cooks healthy meals for her. (Intern Sharon says, "Seriously? We haven't seen her at McDonald's or toting Frappuccinos at all lately.") Also: When Brit was visiting Louisiana for the baby shower, Jamie Lynn showed her her pregnancy scrapbook and ultrasound pictures. The sisters slept in Britney's old room, awww.
Grade: F (sharp, broken glass)




Us
"The Plot To Destroy Lauren." This six-page story sums up everything that has happened between Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad on and off The Hills and is mind-numbingly boring. Heidi maintains that there is — or was — a sex tape; Lauren's camp says it does not exist; Heidi counters that maybe it doesn't exist now but it sure used to. Yawn. Moving on: Nicole Richie and Joel Madden entertain baby Harlow when she wakes up: "Joel and I put on a concert for her every morning. We have Disney music and a whole dance." Also inside: American Idol's Carly Smithson says she and her tattoo-artist hubby want to have kids. Imagine when the other moms at the sandbox get a load of dad's face? (Fig. 1) Plus: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married in the Bahamas and there was no pre-nup. Nick's own half-brother, Gabriel, says "We thought it was just rumors. I had no clue they got married." Angelina, Brad and the brood have settled in France. Angie wants the baby to be connected to his or her French heritage (although Angie's mom was French-Canadian and born in Chicago, hmm.) Angie has to go to the Cannes Film Festival later in May so it's more convenient for her to be based in France. Another quote from Nicole Richie! "I want five children: twin boys and three girls." Speaking of kids, Jessica Alba says that her nursery is "green" because "that's the way I live." Everything is eco-friendly and whatnot. Jessica hasn't picked a name for her baby yet: "I'm waiting, we're not sure what the name is going to be. My name was Faradon Luisa for three days, I don't want make that mistake with my kid."
Grade: D- (plastic bag)




OK!
"Sisters Reunited!" For a story about Jamie Lynn Spears' baby shower, the magazine used what were clearly not professional photos taken by an insider. Intern Sharon says someone (a family friend slash sellout?) used a "like, 5.6 megapixel camera." Jamie Lynn and Britney hung out and painted their nails; Britney went riding on the four-wheeler with JLS's fiancé, Casey. Typical Louisiana weekend? Also inside: While John Mayer was in Miami visiting Jennifer Aniston, he would sneak into the stadium where she was shooting Marley And Me via an underground tunnel — and the two would make out right there in the stadium. The couple was also caught skipping arm in arm on their way to a children's clothing store. Maybe Aunt Jen was buying something for Coco Arquette? Moving on: Janice Dickinson asked for her pureed chicken soup to be strained at a café in Beverly Hills. The waiter tried to explain it was impossible to strain a pureé; Janice barked, "Bring me four bowls of chicken vegetable soup and a strainer, and I'll do it myself." Then she stormed out of the restaurant, cursing in Italian. She says she lived in Italy for two years "and the waiters there would never tell me no."
Grade: D (cigarette butt)




In Touch
"Why Jen Fell For John." In a four-page story, the mag says Jennifer Aniston likes John Mayer because 1. He's sexy. (He topped an In Touch Sexiest Bachelors poll!) 2. He's sensitive. He fundraises for charity and whatnot. 3. He's smart. (Jessica Simpson complained, "I had to be more intellectual," while dating him.) 4. He's funny. (Ever see that Borat swimsuit pic?) Intern Sharon says, "That was all I took away, I couldn't read the whole article." There's a horrifying page that reads: "Paris: I WANT A BABY NOW" with Ms. Hilton sort of trying to breastfeed a puppy. (Fig. 2) "I know in my heart of hearts I would be a great mom," Paris says. "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children." Also inside: Miley Cyrus has a "double life" because she spends $8,000 on jeans and jewelry when she's in celeb-mode; but when she's home all she does is horseback ride and shop at Wal-Mart with her friends. Oooh, and she doesn't wear her purity ring anymore! What does it mean??? An article called "Nicky Kicks Her Coke Habit" is not what you think. Nicky Hilton has eliminated soda from her diet — 1,120 calories a day! [Uh, my two cents but I think Nicky needs MORE calories in her diet. -Ed.] Lastly: On a trip to Vegas, Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Kristina, 15, partied until she puked and tried to stab her mom and then attempted to slash her own wrists. Tragic.
Grade: D+ (beer can)




Star
"It's Twin Girls!" Angelina is having twin daughters! But before she flew to France, Angie collapsed and Brad had to call the doctor. Angie was crying because she couldn't feel the twins kicking. She was sobbing, saying "My babies, my babies!" The doc made her a protein shake and an hour later, the fetuses (feti?) started kicking. At the house in the South of France where Angie and the crew are staying, Angie has helicopter and a pilot with military training standing by to fly her to the hospital. Ooh! Naked picture of Shiloh!!! (Fig. 3) Also inside: Ellen DeGeneres says: "I don't have a computer and I don't use e-mail. I don't have a BlackBerry, either. I don't think it's healthy to always be texting and online all the time. I hate it when you're having lunch with someone and they're looking down at their BlackBerry." Noted! Next: Dancing With The Stars Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough are moving in together! That show is like a dating game. OMG: Jessica Simpson's fashion accessory line has raked in $300 million since 2006. Can you believe it? Ashton Kutcher says: "I pee outside my house in my yard. I usually start my day by taking my dogs out; when I they go, I go." Blind item! "Which small screen star who moonlights as a drummer turned off a lady he was hooking up with? The unpleasant smell of the eco-friendly soap he uses makes him stink, she says." Brad Pitt and his brother Doug gave their dad a cool 67th birthday present: A trip around the world! Dad will go to France, Italy, Norway, Finland, China and three countries Africa. Intern Sharon says, "What? No Brazil?" Nicole Richie has been dropping pounds because of her new raw food diet. She's still breastfeeding, is that okay? Mariah Carey's wedding might be in jeopardy because Nick Cannon is a player. He was engaged to Selita Ebanks after 9 weeks of dating; Christian Milian says he cheated on her over the entire course of their 2-year relationship. Jerk. Oh, but some say the marriage is strictly a business relationship aimed at selling more albums and promoting Nick. Plus: "Jamie Lynn is having a shotgun wedding, and it's Lynn who is holding the shotgun," says a family friend. JLS doesn't really want to get hitched but Lynn doesn't like the idea of an unwed teenage mom — especially when it comes to Jamie's career. Meanwhile, Britney and Kevin are having phone sex. Often. At least once a week.
Grade: C (broken seashell)

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OK!
"Wedding Of The Year." The mag claims that Angelina and Brad will get hitched in a small civil ceremony in New Orleans, then maybe honeymoon in the South of France. But guess what? They've already relocated to the South of France as of today. So. Moving on: A "50 Ways To Fake Your Weight" story has tips like "wear black, wear Spanx and "wear heels." Groundbreaking! Also inside: Jennifer Aniston went on a date with John Mayer — will he "eventually break her heart?"
Grade: F (scrubbing the toilet)


Us
"Jen & John: Suddenly In Love." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been "cyberflirting" by sending emails for like six months. The six-page story basically says they spent a weekend together in Miami. They ate out a lot. Also inside: Liv Tyler phoned a lawyer and complained that her husband was a leech on her assets and that she got married too young. Uh-oh. Jessica Simpson calls Tony Romo "my future husband." Romo visited The Diamond Doctor in Dallas. Are they getting engaged? Do you care?
Grade: D- (scouring soap scum in tub/shower)


Life & Style
"Reuniting For The Kids." The story doesn't actually say that Britney and Kevin are reuniting for the kids, it says that the two boys have erratic behavior, especially around Kevin's other kids. So Britney wants them back, for stability. Hmm. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn's unborn baby: It's a girl! And JLS plans to have "Lynn" as part of the baby's name, duh. Plus, she's taking a breastfeeding class. A source says: "She's determined to do it!" Jennifer Aniston set up the date weekend with John Mayer: Is she moving to fast? They make it seem like she is desperate. Because, you know, when a woman makes the first move, she must be desperate. As for Lindsay and Sam, an insider says: "Sam knows in her heart that Lindsay isn't gay, so she basically lives in fear of every new cute guy that comes along and hits on Lindsay." Awww. Oh, and since Sam comes from money (her family is worth $300 million) LL is kind of a "kept woman." Tom Brady told Bridget Moynahan that he wants his girlfriend Gisele to develop a relationship with baby John because he plans on popping the question to Gisele.
Grade: D- (cleaning out the fridge)

In Touch
"Jen's Hot New Love." John Mayer booked room at the Four Season in Miami, but spent all his time at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, where Jen Aniston had a $3,000 a night suite. The couple hung out in the sun and had a three-hour dinner, after which he went up in the elevator with her. Did he spend the night??? Moving on: There are two pages devoted to the fact that Nicole Kidman's "bump" is showing. Lindsay Lohan has moved in with her girlfriend Sam Ronson. A source says: "It may not be a sexual relationship, but Lindsay and Samantha are a couple. They even sleep in the same bed." But Linsday's pal designer Wayne Joffe says: "Lindsay is not gay. They're just being girls and are best friends." Britney's "crazy behavior" has cost her tons of cash! From the head-shaving on, since she hasn't been touring and has had to pay for security, legal fees and medical care, she's out $61 million. Star Jones and Al Reynolds are getting divorced! And gay rumors abound! Al's own mother says: "I truly believed that he would never get married. He never seemed interested." Meanwhile: Is Mariah Carey engaged to Nick Cannon??? OMG Heidi Klum sent Victoria Beckham food for her birthday. Heidi is having a dozen cupcakes from Sprinkles in L.A. delivered to Posh every week for a year! The mag reminds you that Posh was asked by Barbara Walters if she would ever eat a cookie, and Posh said, "No." Meh, the best thing in this mag was a picture of puppies (Fig. 1).
Grade: D (cleaning out the closets)


Star
"Scientology Boot Camp For Katie!" Katie Holmes has been doing Scientology stuff including various testing, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes. Katie does intense auditing sessions that last for 36 hours straight with no sleep or food. She took a course called "The Potential Trouble Source/Suppressive Person Course" that teaches if someone doesn't like Scientology, you must ignore or disconnect from them. Fun! Also inside: Matthew McConaughey has given up beer because pregnant girlfriend Camilla was frustrated that she had to go on the wagon while he continued to party. Blind item! "Which new heartthrob could soon disappoint teen girls across the universe? At a premiere party for his new flick, he was spotted making out and leaving with a guy." Are Jessica and Ashlee in a "race to the altar"? A source says Jess is jealous of all the attention Ash gets and would love to get married first. Britney's boys are back in her life and "not afraid of her anymore" because she doesn't take them out into crowds where they have "had bad experiences." Nicole Richie is torn between being a mommy and being a party girl. She goes from the nursery to the nightclub. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are thought to be the couple in a blind item from the New York Daily News: "Which weekly glossy just signed a megamillion dollar contract with a certain annoying celebrity couple? The deal is, the magazine will get exclusive interviews with the couple, but in turn, they need to break up (again), get back together (again) and actually get married." Hmm, is the glossy in question Us? Lastly: "Roly-Poly Romeos" that have gone from hunk to chunk include Jake Gyllenhaal, Nick Lachey and Dane Cook.
Grade: D (clearing/organizing drawers)

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OK!
"Don't Mess With My Family!" Katie Holmes knows what the tabloids are saying about her marriage to Tom Cruise and she's not happy. "Katie wishes she didn't care about the gossip and rumors, but it's hard for her not to," says a source. "She told me she has never been happier and she doesn't understand why people don't want to believe that." Maybe because she comes off as a Stepford Scientolozombie? Also inside: The mag thinks Brangelina and brood should go on a road trip! They should visit the Braum's Milk Bottle in Oklahoma City, the Blue Whale in Catoosa, OK and Cadillac Ranch in Texas, which is 10 vintage cars stuck in the ground. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston's new face seems to have a refined nose tip, some filler in the lips, maybe a brow-lift and whitening and contouring on her teeth. There are four pages of The Hills' Whitney Port modeling '50s-inspired fashion. Fergie is the "surprise look-alike" of Bret Michaels (as seen in Fig. 1). Lastly, Britney went to the gym with some friends.
Grade: F (pubic lice)

Us
"Shiloh Baby Album." And by baby album, they mean lots of paparazzi pix of Shiloh. She is super cute. She turns two on May 27 and a source says, "She is truly the most perfect child." But! Because Shiloh is used to being the baby, Brad and Angelina are worried about how she'll react to having a younger sibling. Also inside: Pictures of Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo tonguing each other with smeared cake frosting on their faces, shudder. Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham celebrated her 34th birthday with not one but three "parties" — although one was dinner at Pink Taco with her kids. The other was dinner with Kate Beckinsale and Eva Longoria, and the last one was an actual dinner party. Kate Hudson had her birthday dinner in Miami with Owen Wilson and his parents. At restaurants, Drew Barrymore fights over the check with boyfriend Justin Long — he tries to be chivalrous; she'll sneak a credit card to the waitress while he's in the bathroom. Suri Cruise turned two with a birthday party at a Scientology house featuring a DJ and basketball. Tom and Katie were reportedly "all over each other." There's a two page spread on how other tabloids "fake the news" with a detailed step-by-step analysis of an OK! cover. (Fig 2.)
Grade: D-, although the Shiloh pix are B+ (leeches)

Life & Style
"Angelina's Rushed To The Doctor." Angelina had pain in her ankles, so she flew from Texas to L.A., where doctors told her she had swollen ankles. Also inside: Lindsay MAY be dating Sam Ronson because she MAY fear that men will hurt her. Lynne Spears spoke with the mag! "I'm a bit disappointed that my youngest daughter got pregnant at such an early age," she says. "All I can do is turn to God for answers and just leave it in his hands." Meanwhile, Jamie Lynne and Casey just bid on a $255,000 home in Liberty, Mississippi. Joel Madden says baby Harlow likes to listen to The Cure. An insider says that everyone close to Jennifer Lopez says she'll be pregnant again by the end of the year. Intern Sharon says, "Lord help us all."
Grade: D (fleas)

In Touch
"Katie & Tom: What Went Wrong." Sure, Katie and Tom kissed at Suri's birthday party, but it was when the helicopters were overhead and they knew they were being photographed. "Katie believes her days are empty and meaningless," says a source. "Katie is living the life of a queen, but that of queen trapped in a castle." So dramatic! Moving on: Jamie Lynn Spears is in therapy because she fears what happened to Britney will happen to hear — namely, post-partum depression. Four pages of "Thin By Memorial Day" diet secrets and pictures of the girls of The Hills in bikinis? As the kids say, vom. Ashley Olsen is dogsitting a honeymooning friend's German Shepherd, Coco, and has moved into the friend's house. Dancing With The Stars' Derek Hough and Shannon Elizabeth have been spotted kissing and holding hands, it's on! An Arkansas woman says she saw Bobby Brown do cocaine when he was 16 years old - way before he met Whitney Houston! Paula Abdul says she'd maybe like to adopt kids but "with today's modern medicine, you can definitely have them, even at my age," the 45-year-old says. Ashlee Simpson had many a drunken night before she realized she was drinking while knocked up. Britney Spears wants her kids back and plans to sell her Beverly Hills estate and buy a house in the suburbs of L.A. where she can have more privacy. Good luck! Drew Barrymore's boyfriend Justin Long was seen drunkenly dirty dancing and kissing some girl in a West Hollywood bar, and the girl was not Drew.
Grade: D+ (ticks)

Star
"My New Bikini Body!" Britney eats half of everything and throws the rest away and dances a lot! Moving on: David Beckham loves Lakers games. A source says he goes for the cheerleaders, their moves and their skimpy outfits. Jeremy Piven has hair issues and has tried all kinds of remedies like cat urine and bee pollen. He's insecure about going bald (although he kind of already is, as seen in Fig. 3) Jamie Lynn Spears watched a video of a real, natural childbirth and promptly threw up. Renee Zellweger is "drinking and shrinking." When she goes out to dinner she doesn't touch her food but knocks back the martinis. "She finds clumps of hair in the shower and it's really bumming her out." Apparently Rene's friend, Vogue editor Anna Wintour, constantly reminds Renee that clothes look better when you're super thin. Ashlee Simpson is on the cover of Shape magazine and inside she talks about working out and painting. Like on a canvas. Katie Holmes was wearing oversized glasses when she showed up @ Vicky Beckham's birthday party and a source says it looked like she'd been crying. Something is troubling her! She's not allowed to make decisions about Suri or the renovations on her home! When Sam Ronson was DJing a party in New York, Lindsay Lohan felt Sam wasn't paying any attention to her and threw a fit. LL stormed out and at 4:30 a.m. made a driver take her on a 2 hour trip to Long Island so she could sleep at someone else's house. Janice Dickinson is banned from L.A. fashion week, Brad Pitt is banned from China, Paris Hilton is banned from Oktoberfest in Munich.
Grade: C- (mosquitoes)


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Short Of The Mark [NY Post]