She seemed a little nervous, but then again, so did Letterman… he'd just finished apologizing for making inappropriate jokes about Sarah Pailn's daughter. Anyway, Kathy made little jabs at "National Treasure" Dr. Maya Angelou, "scrappy" Katie Couric, and Governor Palin. Clip at left.

• The results are in: Tyler Barker, 15, is the father of baby girl Maisie. Tabloids named Alfie Patten as the young father (he was 12 at the time of conception) of Chantelle Stedman's child, but DNA tests have revealed that Barker is the real dad. • After a judge denied Rod Blagojevich's request to travel to Costa Rica to film the reality show "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!", his wife, Patti, said that she is going to participate in his place. • A couple from Ohio, Danica Wallace and Jeremy Welsh, were arrested after police spotted them having sex in a parked car with Wallace's two children buckled in the back seats. "We were horny and we wanted to fuck," Welsch explained. • CNN has a piece today<,/a> on women's roller derby and the ladies who have led the recent revival of the sport. In recognition of both its popularity and its pitfalls, sports doctors are working on studying the game to determine the best ways to prevent and treat injuries. • The stick-figures on bathroom signs have become something of a problematic symbol for the gender studies crowd, and Sociological Images examines the ways in which the simple signs send messages about gender and parenting. • Suze Orman is being sued for fraud over a long-term insurance plan that was sold to two California residents by a firm bearing her name. • A recent survey found that 7 out of 10 women are embarrassed to discuss vaginal dryness and pain with their doctors, which makes them reluctant to seek medical help or information. • The French gynecologist who treated Rachida Dati could face harsh punishment for writing about Dati's birth and quick recovery. Claude Debache will appear before a medical council this week. • Elyse Umemoto, winner of the Miss Washington 2007 title, has spoken out about the horrible "double life" she led as a pageant queen and a victim of domestic abuse. Her abusive boyfriend published photos of her in her underwear online, but Umemoto does not want that to be what she is remembered for. "I want my legacy to be about empowerment, not what those pictures convey," she said. • A new study has found that wage levels relate to intelligence and skill as well as perceived attractiveness. "We've found that, even accounting for intelligence, a person's feeling of self-worth is enhanced by how attractive they are and this, in turn, results in higher pay," said the author of the study. • 

• Reports of LeAnn Rimes cheating on her husband, Dean Sheremet, just got juicier: Sheremet's family members called in to a radio show this morning to announce that he is gay. [Perez Hilton]

• Originally a spokesperson for the ski resort where Natasha Richardson was fatally injured said she was walking around and laughing after the fall and went to the hospital an hour later. Paramedics say they saw her sitting on a stretcher and were sent away. She was taken to the hospital three hours later. [TMZ]
• You can watch Lindsay Lohan's new Fornarina commercial here. For some reason it reminds us of Barbie and the Rockers. [Just Jared]
• Lindsay says of Britney Spears: "She's marketed as an entertainer, which is what she is. Not necessarily as, like, an artist. And I respect that about her, cause she doesn't want to pretend." [Jossip]
• Lindsay is having a hard time trying to rustle up work these days. "It's scary when you realise, 'Oh my God, I'm not working'. And have a house to pay for now," she says. Lindsay added: "I'm talking to (lots of people). One is Sean Penn - I spoke to him the other day. We're trying to get Seth Rogen for this project, but Seth won't call us back." [The Mirror]
• Lindsay may not have a job but she just bought a new Maserati. [Perez Hilton]
• A source claims that model Natasha Ellie is the woman who sent Chris Brown a text message the night of the assault, not his manager. Supposedly lyrics to Rihanna's song "Emergency Room" is about Rihanna discovering Chris was cheating on her with Natasha. [Hollywood Rag]
• Doug Reinhardt has asked Paris Hilton's father Rick for her hand in marriage and will presumably propose soon. The couple have been dating since last month. [Hollywood Rag]
• Fred Durst is still talking about his brief relationship with Britney Spears. He says: "I just guess at the time it was taboo for a guy like me to be associated with a gal like her." [People]
• Kelly Osbourne just left rehab a few weeks ago and says this is the first time she's been clean since she was a teenager. "I had my tonsils taken out [at age 13], and they gave me liquid Vicodin," said Osbourne. "I found, when I take this, people like me. I'm having fun, I'm not getting picked on. It became a confidence thing." [Just Jared]
• Vanessa Hudgens is "clearly the man in the relationship" because she pumped gas while Zac Efron sat in the car. [The Superficial]
• Ellen DeGeneres is going to be on the cover of O Magazine. Putting different people on the cover of a magazine? What's Oprah thinking? [Perez Hilton]
• In this video Ellen DeGeneres and Katy Perry sing "I Kissed A Girl." [Perez Hilton]
• Charlie Sheen can't tell his twins apart. "They're not identical, but at this stage, they're similar enough," says Charlie. He says he and his wife picked the names Max and Bob because they "are very short and simple - easy to spell and remember ... Bob is the same frontward and backward. I'm a fan of a short and simple name." [The Star]
• Gwyneth Paltrow says she's feeling "mother guilt" because she has to take her kids out of their London home for her Iron Man 2 shoot. She says: "I barely ever do films, I'm with them almost all the time. But in a way it makes the transition harder. I feel like if I worked all the time, then they would be used to it. But when I'm always there and always doing the school runs and I'm always around and then I just disappear for 14 hours a day to film, it's hard." [The Daily Express]
• It's pretty clear where Suze Orman wants the profits from George W. Bush's book to go. She said she wants to tell the former president: "You blew up every single financial vessel we had and if you think you aren't personally responsible, well, the blame starts at the top. There is no higher top than you, SIR! If I were you, I would feel so absolutely horrific that I would take every penny I had and distribute it to anybody and everybody to help them in whatever way I could. You owe the American people every penny of your fortune and your family's fortune." [Perez Hilton]
• Years ago, James Toback directed the film Black and White, in which Robert Downey, Jr. hits on Mike Tyson. Before the shoot, which took place soon after Downey got out of rehab, RDJ found out Toback hadn't told Tyson about the scene. Toback recalls: "Downey said, 'What if he gets angry? I said, 'I would assume he would.' He said, 'How far do you want me to take it?' I said, 'Take it until he responds in the extreme.' Downey responded, 'What if he kills me?' I said, 'Well, I haven't thought about that. I think it's unlikely-no better than a 5% chance.' But, at the rate you're going, you're going to end up dying in the parking lot of a motel in Culver City. So what would be better ... that or dying like this?"" [Black Book]

First, here's where Suze is spot on: she says that credit card debt is the worst kind of debt, because it will destroy your credit rating. If you have savings, use them to pay off credit card debt, but you should never, ever raid your 401K. Even if you have to declare bankruptcy, do not take the money out of your 401K, since that money is protected. "That money is going to be there no matter what happens to you in life," Suze says. Also intriguing, Suze advises, "This is a great time to buy a home if, and only if, you get a deal of a lifetime — meaning someone is selling a home for $200,000 and you offer $140,000 and they say yes." Of course, you should only buy a house, even if it is a fantastic deal, if you can put down 20% or more and if you can get a fixed-rate mortgage.

But here's where I think Suze is giving bum advice, or at least advice I believe doesn't work in every circumstance. She doesn't really believe that couples should put all their money in joint checking accounts. Of herself and her partner, Suze says, "K.T. and I have been together for quite a while now, we don't have one joint account. Does it keep us from loving each other totally? No. Would it keep us from stepping in and helping each other? No." I don't think it keeps you from loving each other totally, but I do think not having a shared pot of money can cause a lot of unnecessary strife and haggling over expenses. According to Ms., "Splitting bills down the middle is unfair to the lower earner, says Orman, so she advocates that each person in the relationship pay the same percentage of their individual incomes — say, 25 percent — toward the common bills." I understand the reasoning behind this: half of marriages end in divorce, so even if you think you're going to last forever, there's a good chance you won't. But I picture scenarios like vacations in Cabo where you're wondering who paid for the proper percentage of margaritas, and that's certainly not any way to live.

Fall 2008 [Ms.]

Earlier: The Recession Is Bad For Almost Every Woman But Suze Orman

A blog post by Suzanne Muusers, a business coach, is quoted as saying Orman "personally benefits from fear mongering, and that is not what we need right now," and that Orman and others "live off selling magazines and television shows that spew irresponsible viewpoints." Orman's brand manager/ partner, Kathy Travis, says to the Journal that they turn down many of the endorsement deals that Orman is offered, particularly with banks because it could be a conflict of interest. "We have been approached by everyone — ING, Wells Fargo and HSBC. They are great companies, but in the best interest of Suze, we have a blanket rule: no banking endorsements."

For her part, Suze says fuck the haters. "There are always these people who want to attack me no matter what I do," the jacket-loving Orman tells the Journal. And speaking of Suze and her bedazzled outerwear, here's a clip from SNL of Kristen Wiig impersonating Suze and her money-saving tips for women (and if the promos are any indication, Wiig will be reprising the role this Saturday). If maxi pads are getting too expensive, fake-Orman says, you should make your own. "Buy a 24-pack of baby socks and some double sided tape," she advises, and remember, in life,"It's people, then money, then things, then homemade maxi pads."

Crisis Makes Suze Orman a Star [WSJ — sub. req.]

Earlier: The American Economic Downturn Is Tough On Jane Winebox

STEVE: Shalom and here we go. It won't be the first time I've talked about something I didn't actually see.

MEGAN: Well, you saw it but in true Jezebel fashion, you saw it intoxicated. This is the first one I actually watched stone-cold sober because I couldn't stop typing long enough to drink the bottle of wine I opened.

STEVE: My insights are admittedly influenced by the haze of a nice, Australian Cabernet-Shiraz blend. Yes, "that one."

MEGAN: So you do remember some things! But, basically, Obama won and nobody asked anything that wasn't pre-screened because they didn't want to get yelled at by Tom Brokaw like he kept yelling at Obama and McCain.

STEVE: Yes, I remember mostly the focus group that Katie Couric did after, and the undecidededs didn't like "that one" very well. Maybe, as Maureen posited this morning, it was a cross between "the one" and "that woman," but it seemed dismissive and odd.

MEGAN: I mean, it's actually something you say to, like, your kids, isn't it? I thought it was very infantilizing.

STEVE: I wouldn't know about kids, but my friend Suzanne is here and says she'd never really talk to her kids like that. I would, however, sometimes talk to a boyfriend like that. And that's not a good sign.

MEGAN: Wait! Wasn't it you that sent me that magazine cover of them kissing?

STEVE: YES I DID and you didn't pick it up. I thought it was going to be a big deal. But maybe the progressives won't get mad at The Progressive?

MEGAN: It was just a little too... something.

STEVE: I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean. But I can say, without a doubt, that I wouldn't kiss any man who pointed at me and called me "that one" in public.

MEGAN: You know, I did kiss a dude who later called me "that one" in public in what he thought was a jocular way. I accused him of using his brother's terminal illness as a way to get pussy, so I guess I didn't appreciate it.

STEVE: Speaking of our rights to kiss anyone we want, I thought it was a little odd, and disappointing, that not a word was said about the Supreme Court last night, two days into the new term and with at least two judges barely holding on.

MEGAN: Well, but Sarah Palin covered that, right? [I crack myself up some times]

STEVE: Every swing state voter I know - and I recently met a mom in Ohio who WANTS to vote GOP, but is really being persuaded by the high court argument.

MEGAN: Because of Roe? That's interesting. On the other hand, if the Democratic Party can win the Presidency on the economy and the Republican can't gin people up on social issues like abortion and gay marriage because independent voters have realized that it's craven and whatever, that's not a bad thing, right?

STEVE: I really think the court issue is ALMOST as persuasive as the "Jesus the stock market crashed 500 points again" issue. You know, Bill Maher said on Friday, and I agree, that it almost always requires a national catastrophe to get progressives elected. BUT DO AMERICANS NOT GET THAT THE SUPREME COURT COULD BE A NATIONAL CATASTROPHE TOO?

MEGAN: Well, 54 percent of the country thinks abortion should stay legal and the more they put the crazies on TV, the more people go, um, those people are cray-cray. Like, they should give that crazy anti-gay guy from Kansas more press.

STEVE: I bet Fred Phelps votes based on the Supreme Court!

MEGAN: Totally! But everyone hates him. Harley riders hate him. He's the antithesis of everything the anti-gay movement is trying to pretend to be, which is faux-tolerant. You know, like Sarah Palin. It's okay if you, like, have to be gay, but the government shouldn't do anything special for your heathen, social-norm defying self. That would be giving you "special" rights. Because the right to, say, marry or to have equal protection under the law is "special."

STEVE: Sarah says she "tolerates" the gays. Does that make us feel better?

MEGAN: Like, she doesn't want to gas them or anything! It doesn't make me feel better. What is there about gay people to "tolerate"? It's not like gayness is something that might rub off or something.

STEVE: OK and so if they spent 60 minutes on the economy last night, we should spend a few minutes on it here. Angela Merkel is on the front of the NYT business section today, looking very stressed.

MEGAN: Well, I think I know why.

STEVE: And as someone who was raised by a single mother and appreciates the (much better) grasp that women have on pocket book issues than men, I get worried when they look panicked. I mean, a friend emailed last night to tell me that he and his boyfriend decided not to buy expensive, designer jeans after the 500 drop yesterday. And when the gay men stop pumping money into the economy for lavish, unessential items like Italian jeans, we have problems.

MEGAN: Well, that alone explains the 500 point drop in the Dow yesterday. I have no doubt that Angela Merkel doesn't want to be presiding over an economic crisis brought on by the financial crisis and credit crunch by her personal masseur.

STEVE: I mean, when $2 trillion of retirement money is gone . . . and gay men can't buy jeans . . . is our salvation really going to be found in cutting a $3 million overhead projector for a planetarium? And, like, if they did buy the projector for the planetarium, and Sarah could see Jupiter from her seat, could we make her an astronaut and send her to the moon or something?

MEGAN: Okay, first off, I really like planetariums. I'm just sayin'. Fuck McCain for hating on planetariums. Second off, he's also going to personally renegotiate everyone's mortgages. Except mine. And yours if you had one. I mean, not really "everyone" as much as people whose houses lost value because they bought stuff for absurdist prices. And took out absurdly high mortgages. And only if they're old, to make up for the massive cuts in Medicare spending he's planning.

STEVE: And McCain's mortgage plan is totally borrowed from Hillary, which was borrowed from her history lessons on the Great Depression.

MEGAN: Also, did you get the sense that they made that up on the bus on the way there? Sort of like how McCain's all, I know how to kill bin Laden! I do! Just watch! I will go into some place I won't name and kill bin Laden quietly, because generally invading a sovereign nation goes over way better if you just hope they don't notice.

STEVE: But if you pronounce Pakistan as Pah-kee-stahn, the whole things has an air of credibility.

MEGAN: Just like "new-cue-lerr" makes it sound less scary?

STEVE: You betcha!

MEGAN: Such as!

STEVE: So Olbermann says Palin is the one palling around with terrorists — the Alaska Independence Party.

MEGAN: Well, you know, just because they advocated potentially violent secession, we sponsored by Iran and hate Our Freedoms doesn't makes them terrorists... Oh, wait, let's just call Olbermann and pinko Commie in the tank for Obama.

STEVE: The AIP founder, Olbermann says, said that, "The fires of hell are frozen glaciers compared to my hatred for the American government, and I won't be buried under their damn flag"

MEGAN: Why doesn't he just go to Canada? It's, like, right the fuck there.

STEVE: Don't ruin Canada for the rest of us! I hear Montreal is quite a party.
But where is this tank everyone keeps talking about? It must be pretty crowded in there by now.

MEGAN: And kind of sexy. I mean, Olbermann's in it with Rachel Maddow and Bill Keller of the NY Times, who I saw on Saturday and is kind of silver foxy.

STEVE: Is Rachel Maddow DRIVING the tank? Margaret Cho says you gotta have a lesbian to read the map.

MEGAN: Well, I'll bet Rachel is driving and Suze Orman is navigating through the minefields.

STEVE: Are we going to end up with Suze or Warren Buffet as treasury secretary anyway? Can't Warren Buffet just bail us out of this . . . maybe with a little help from Bill Gates?

MEGAN: I know, Warren Buffet as Treasury Secretary? I was like, dude, McCain, seriously, you had a whole series of commercials about how stupid celebrity is and now you're nominating the only financier people will recognize by name as Treasury Secretary? I mean, you know he wanted to be honest and say "Phil Gramm," because McCain, too, thinks we're a nation of whiners and this is just a mental depression.

STEVE: I mean, I bank at Wachovia, or Citibank, or Wells Fargo OR WHATEVER IT IS THIS MORNING and I'd feel much more secure banking at Warren Buffet's house.

MEGAN: I'd feel more secure banking from under my mattress at this stage.
If anyone is going to fuck over my money, it really should be me.

• According to a recent mall survey in the UK, 4 out of 10 women wear Spanx-like underpants to look slim and 1 out of 10 women admitted to using "chicken filet" breast-enchancers. • A recent study found that the name-dropping of brands in rap videos causes viewers to transfer their feelings of the rappers (both positive and negative) onto the product. • Many Chinese lawyers representing clients who were effected by the milk-contamination scandal are claiming that they have been warned by the Chinese government to drop their cases due to "government sensitivity" about the scandal. • Researchers say that they are developing a urine test for breast cancer risk in women. • A Florida man is charged with beating and stabbing to death his wife, who had experienced a lifetime of physical spousal abuse from her former husband, whom she also killed. • A 99-year-old woman from Corte Madera, California plans to keep her driver's license when she turns 100. • An 18-year-old boy in Colorado hired men to attack and kill his mother (who escaped the attack) so he could use her money to buy breast implants for his girlfriend.•

• Take it from the Journal: skinny jeans are over. [WSJ]

• What's harder to pronounce than "Ghesquiere"? Hachette Filipacchi, the owner of Elle, whose CEO Jack Kliger claims teenage girls would rather use the internet than read print magazines and informs us Elle Girl is actually still online. [WSJ]

• If you shop, as we shop, at TJ Maxx, your credit card information stolen from the company by hackers has probably already expired, so if you are, as we are, completely irresponsible you will proabably just forget about it and commence not ever looking at your bill. [WSJ]

• Nobody knows how the fuck to pay for college. Take it from us: don't go! [WSJ]

• You will be more Zen if you get organized, closet therapists say. You will also be more Zen if you have money, Suze Orman says. We would be more Zen if we had some Adderall right now, because none of that shit is happening.

On the heels (hah!) of its opening of a Fifth Ave. store, Payless ShoeSource is having Patricia Field design a line. PSS stock pretty damn near a 52-week high. [WWD]

Jennifer Hudson to shill for Avon, which is in the midst of some big restructuring. [CNNMoney]

Global warming what? It's been a ridiculously good year for the maker of ridiculous Uggs, Decker Outdoor, but Motley Fool thinks Steve Madden is a better buy. So do we - for our feet anyway. [Motley Fool]

Valentine's Day spending apparently hit some sort of record this year, probably to make up for all the birthdays crap boyfriends missed last year. [MarketWatch]