"...society's assumptions that moms are no fun...and are brainless....Only when we recognize that mothers aren't perfect..."
I'd settle for just having a small but vocal group of commenters on this site stop demonizing mothers, gleefully hating our children, assuming we're all nanny-exploiting a-holes, and accusing us of being baby-obsessed twits. If the smart, educated, liberal women here can't cut mothers a break, why should the greater society?
I had a lot of problems as a teenager. The majority of them were compounded by my mother's nosiness and unwillingness to try to understand.
I struggled with my gender identity (and here, I bitterly laugh, as I still do, but I have found somewhat healthier ways), and she rooted through everything I wrote, forbid me from seeing my absolute best friend (who was also my girlfriend, which while she didn't know, she suspected and used this as a basis). I had my last suicide attempt at about 16.
If my mother wrote about that and broadcast it to the world, I am fairly certain I would stop speaking to her. I would want nothing to do with someone who wanted to profit off my pain. It was an awful period of my life, and while I'm certain it was no picnic for my mom, it's not her story to tell. It is mine. And I do tell it; it's not a huge secret. But I control who knows and what they know the best that I can, and if she were to publish it, that steals any power I have to protect myself away from me.
It's wrong, plain and simple. It is obscene, and I feel for this kid.
This post hit home. My father's a beautiful writer and has, for the past 20 years, written "family update" letters to my parent's 100+ Christmas card list. Through my eating disorder and accompanying depression, My Story was the always included in much more detail than I'd hoped. Suicide attempts, hospitalizations, etc were fair game. To me, it was salt in the wound and the most embarrassing experience of my adolescence.
I feel for Jake and selfishly glad my father's work was never published.
Hmm. I've been toying with this sort of thing lately as I gingerly dip a toe into the world of memoir/creative non-fiction. It's so complicated I don't think there is one general rule. But as much as I love David Sedaris, I felt for his family in that essay he did about how he was always trying to write crazy stuff down.
I think if you poke fun at yourself just as much or more as you do your family, that's something. But that may not be appropriate in the case of writing about a family member's addiction.
@likepenguins: He did edit certain bits of it (though whether that was out of a respect for her privacy or dismay that she was a horny teenager who occasionally got pissed at her mom isn't clear).
@la.donna.pietra: It always seemed to be the latter, and, I know, she's dead so what does she care, but it just seemed so unseemly, the idea of a little girl's diary being broadcast to millions.
I don't think them being dead gives a pass necessarily. Look at Christina Crawford. She waited 'till after Joan died but was STILL crucified for her tell-all.
I guess I think it's okay--and in many cases really, really fascinating--to write about your family including its problems, but I might do it anonymously. I think it's a very delicate balance between your art (which could be improved by mining your real life) and your real life (which would be damaged by "exploiting" it for your art). Everyone does different things to deal with it.
One option that a lot of authors do well is to focus on the same issues you feel in your real family in (fictional) stories about other people and their families. That seems to be a good choice.
As a former teenage drug addict, I would have been livid if my parent wrote a memoir about it. And I say that as a writer. I've always been fuzzy on consent laws, i.e., needing a release form to publish a private photo of someone, yet publishing without permission the subjective memory of someone else's private details. But to me it's a betrayal to publish painful details about a family member without their consent, especially a kid.
Then again, I find a lot of memoirs to spring straight out of narcissism anyhow. Some are interesting and useful, yes, but a lot of memoir writers seem to consider their experience unique and especially tragic or gifted or sexy or whatever, when in fact their experience is common to many. I think you have to be a very talented writer to pull it off.
One of two memoirs I've enjoyed was "The Foreskin's Lament." A big plot point there is whether or not the author (who writes extensively and very unflatteringly about his parents/brother/sister/community) will circumcise his son.
I remember reading an interview with Marcel or Louis Theroux (I think it was Marcel), and he said his father (Paul) had joked once that as a writer he was allowed to read his son's diaries. And it didn't seem like much of a joke.
The thing is, publishers want everything to be a memoir nowadays. There has to be a personal story. I wanted to write a Marina Warner-style cultural history and was told it was no good, had to be at least partly a memoir, otherwise no one would buy it. Was that patronising to book buyers, or do we all need a personal hook to draw us in?
I dunno, I love John McPhee, and he doesn't seem to need to bring his autobiography into a book about geology.
@bowleserised: People seem obsessed with the notion of "truth" and "reality" in their reading material these days. They don't want to read something that's totally made-up, unless it involves sparkly vampires. I'm not sure whether it's the trend towards biographical criticism ("What do you mean, Jane Austen never married? All she ever writes about is marriage!") or a broader trend towards wanting "the truth," whatever it may be.
@la.donna.pietra: Oh, I definitely have an issue with the biographical criticism thang. If Cheever Senior were writing nowadays, some journalist would have made the connection between his family and his novels. I think in the past critics were either unconcerned or drew a veil over the similarities between real life and fiction and kept them for gossip, not reviews.
Wow, how fucked up does your relationship with your kids (and your levels of empthy) do you have to be to ignore their pleas for you not to publish their private struggles?
And selfish.
Hell, I ask my teens permission before I even mention him on my blog.
@vintagegoddess: Well, it's a bit "he said, they said" because according to the Myerson parents, he said it was fine and let them use something he'd written too. But who knows?
Am I the only one who thinks it's ridiculous that she was able to get this thing published? Marijuana addiction? And the family went through this just three years ago (and still most likely are, unless the son's not talking to them anymore)? I'd have to read it to judge, of course, but I don't really have any interest in reading a memoir about marijuana addiction period, but especially when it's obvious that the story is still very much unraveling. To me, this woman has balls to assume that her hardships warrant being sold in print.
And I've been skeeved out by memoirs that are more about family struggles than the individual author's story since Running with Scissors.
"Okay son, I'm going to write a book about how your drug use affects my life...What? No, I'm not going to postulate that you may be using drugs to cope with the marital problems your father and I are having. I'm trying to illuminate people on teenage drug use but contributing factors hardly matter."
09/22/09
I'd settle for just having a small but vocal group of commenters on this site stop demonizing mothers, gleefully hating our children, assuming we're all nanny-exploiting a-holes, and accusing us of being baby-obsessed twits. If the smart, educated, liberal women here can't cut mothers a break, why should the greater society?
08/31/09
I struggled with my gender identity (and here, I bitterly laugh, as I still do, but I have found somewhat healthier ways), and she rooted through everything I wrote, forbid me from seeing my absolute best friend (who was also my girlfriend, which while she didn't know, she suspected and used this as a basis). I had my last suicide attempt at about 16.
If my mother wrote about that and broadcast it to the world, I am fairly certain I would stop speaking to her. I would want nothing to do with someone who wanted to profit off my pain. It was an awful period of my life, and while I'm certain it was no picnic for my mom, it's not her story to tell. It is mine. And I do tell it; it's not a huge secret. But I control who knows and what they know the best that I can, and if she were to publish it, that steals any power I have to protect myself away from me.
It's wrong, plain and simple. It is obscene, and I feel for this kid.
08/31/09
Heh. Wanna bet she rethinks that?
08/31/09
Jake sure was a terror, alright.
08/31/09
I feel for Jake and selfishly glad my father's work was never published.
08/31/09
I think if you poke fun at yourself just as much or more as you do your family, that's something. But that may not be appropriate in the case of writing about a family member's addiction.
08/31/09
08/31/09
08/31/09
08/31/09
08/31/09
One option that a lot of authors do well is to focus on the same issues you feel in your real family in (fictional) stories about other people and their families. That seems to be a good choice.
08/31/09
Then again, I find a lot of memoirs to spring straight out of narcissism anyhow. Some are interesting and useful, yes, but a lot of memoir writers seem to consider their experience unique and especially tragic or gifted or sexy or whatever, when in fact their experience is common to many. I think you have to be a very talented writer to pull it off.
08/31/09
I was okay with this.
08/31/09
The thing is, publishers want everything to be a memoir nowadays. There has to be a personal story. I wanted to write a Marina Warner-style cultural history and was told it was no good, had to be at least partly a memoir, otherwise no one would buy it. Was that patronising to book buyers, or do we all need a personal hook to draw us in?
I dunno, I love John McPhee, and he doesn't seem to need to bring his autobiography into a book about geology.
08/31/09
08/31/09
08/31/09
And selfish.
Hell, I ask my teens permission before I even mention him on my blog.
08/31/09
08/31/09
And I've been skeeved out by memoirs that are more about family struggles than the individual author's story since Running with Scissors.
08/31/09