[Los Angeles, July 15. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Los Angeles, May 15. Image via x17]

• Angelina Jolie let her sons, Maddox and Pax, attend her sonogram, so the kids could see their new siblings — the twins. [MSNBC]
  
• The Beyoncé pregnancy rumors have begun. [Page Six]
  
• Oooh! One of the first reviews of Sex And The City: "It can feel like a never ending dinner party: however pleasant the courses, after a while you can hardly eat another one." Ugh. [Times Of London]
  
• And! "It is Kim Cattrall as sex mad Samantha who steals the show with all the big laughs... The product placement is less than subtle... There is a totally pointless visit to New York fashion week which has nothing to do with the plots. It is much, much too long for a romantic comedy... More than two hours spent with four air kissing, shopping, screaming women will surely tire out most men." [The Sun]
  
• Cynthia Nixon says: "Because of the show, I have wonderful clothes, but I never even used to wear high heels." [Telegraph]
  
• Candace Bushnell says: "When I began dating at 17, I assumed that men would be nice." [Times Of London]

• Felicity's Scott Speedman hearts pot. Maryjane. Ganja. Weed. Pakalolo. [Perez Hilton]
• Three jurors have been chosen for the R. Kelly trial. Six years after the tape surfaced, there's actual progress in the case. [Yahoo News]
• Did you know that Joaquin Phoenix is recording an album? He's working with the Charlatans frontman Tim Burgess. "Once he learned guitar [for Walk The Line], he found that he had quite a lot of demons inside himself that he wanted to expel through music," Burges explains. But! Before you start clearing a spot next to your Scarlett Johansson CD, know this: "All the tracks that [we] worked on were brilliant," says Burgess. "But I think he just keeps scrapping everything or redoing everything. I'm sad to say that I think it's one of those records that may never come out, to be honest with you." [Reuters]
• Katie Holmes will make her Broadway debut in Arthur Miller's All My Sons this fall. Does that mean she and Suri will move to NY? [Just Jared]
• Miley Cyrus has a new single, "7 Things," you're probably dying to hear. (Listen here.) It's a list of all the things she hates about her ex. "You're vain, your games, you're insecure/You love me, you like her/You make me laugh you make me cry." It's kind of country punk, slow and then fast. Maybe teenage girls will love it? It's perfect for jumping up and down on the bed to. [People]
• Noel Gallagher of Oasis doesn't think Jay-Z should play the Glasonbury Festival because it has "a tradition of guitar music." Jay says, "We have to respect each other's genre of music and move forward." The times, they are a-changin'. [The Sun]
• The season finale party for The Hills was held last night and guess who didn't show up? Photo-op lovers Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Montag's rep had tow words: "Not invited." That is ice cold. [E!]
• Amy Winehouse stumbled home at 1 am and accidentally left her friend Kristian Marr outside, so he broke into her garage to sleep. Cops showed up at 2am and removed him. Whoops! [The Sun]
• Tom Breihan of the Village Voice says Scarlett Johansson's album is't so bad! "Everything on the album comes submerged in a viscous shoegaze amber that honors the faraway mystery of the Waits originals without ever attempting to replicate their sound," he writes. "It's not a masterpiece, but it unfolds like a long, luxuriant, theatrical sigh, and I'll take that." [Village Voice]
• Scott Weiland is in jail right now. He checked in yesterday and will serve eight days for his DUI conviction. [People]
• Pete Doherty says he knew he needed to be drug free when he tried to murder one of his kittens. "I got a shovel and was going to kill one of the cats. That was when I was, like, you know, 'I'm a bit of a mess.' It was a bit of a crazy time." Ya think? [The Sun]
• Socialites throw themselves at Shia LaBeouf, and he doesn't mind a bit. Also, he says "I've been in love with every woman I've ever worked with." [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "Which young star — who plays gay on his hot TV show — has a taste for significantly older women?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Pictures of the guy who knocked out Suge Knight! He's a 5'10" 173 lb. barber. (Suge is 6'3" and weighs 315 lbs. The barber is hardcore.) [TMZ]
• Britney was on How I Met Your Mother again last night. She wasn't funny. [TMZ]
• In this picture of Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan shopping in Paris, you can see Samantha's hickey really well. [Dana's Dirt via ONTD]
• Rapper Remy Ma was set to marry rapper Papoose, despite the fact that she is jailed. But! Someone smuggled a handcuff key into the prison and now the wedding has been canceled! [The.Life Files]
• "As a kid, I considered suicide and even attempted [it] a couple of times because I thought it would be easier to be dead." — Tyler Perry, writer/director/actor of Meet The Browns. [Rush & Molloy]

• Stella McCartney calls dibs on bride-to-be Scarlett Johansson: "I'm definitely doing her wedding dress. She doesn't know it yet." Awkward. [People]
  
• Says Marc Jacobs on the bride-to-be, "I'm really happy for her. She's a great girl. I just think Scarlett is great and I hope she is very, very happy. She's super funny. I love a smart, ballsy, New Yorker and that's what she is. I wish her the best." And by "the best" he clearly means, "Do why didn't that bitch ask me to design her wedding dress?" [Vogue UK]
  
• Chris "Mr. Big" Noth has some strong feelings about Victoria's Secret, "I'm not into Victoria's Secret so much. I find it over the top. I like subtlety and I like elegance. I think their things are gaudy and they are really trying too hard. If I could make a fashion statement, I think that Victoria's Secret looks to me like somebody who is putting on too much make-up. It's too gaudy, man. I mean, come on take it easy, you don't have to have a fuckin' bouquet of flowers on your underwear. Sorry Victoria's Secret; I hope they're not one of our sponsors!" [Oh No They Didn't]
  
• "You can get diamonds cheap," says Heidi Klum, which is why she's going to start sewing them into the pockets of her Jordache jeans line. Clearly, she has not seen Blood Diamond. [WWD, 9th item]

• Good for you, Adidas, for winning your lawsuit against Payless shoes for their blasphemous thievery of what is clearly a design that only you own: Stripes. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Seriously, Suri Cruise does not need custom-made Roger Vivier shoes. I, however, do. [WWD, 1st item]
• So what did More editor-in-chief Lesley Jane Seymour do Monday night in lieu of attending the Met Costume Institute Gala? (She wasn't invited.) "I dressed up in my best Versace and barbecued on the my outside deck in the suburbs! Only kidding about the Versace! I wore Prada." [Fashion Week Daily]
• Oh also, Christina Ricci left the Costume Institute Gala in a huff after realizing upon entering that she and her boyfriend had not been seated together. [Page Six]
• If only I had been trapped in an elevator with Giorgio Armani yesterday. [Wowowow]
• So Gwyneth Paltrow is all, "I don't get why there's this big fuss about my S&M footwear fetish." [USA Today]
• Video footage of Gemma Ward trying to slay Liv Tyler: Here. [Fashionista]
• Video footage of Karlie Kloss doing ballet: Here. [NY Mag]
• Model and sometimes di Caprio girlfriend Bar Rafaeli sorta needs to pony up and serve in the Israeli Army already. [UPI]
• Oh of course Jimmy Choo is trying to usurp as much press and glory as they can from the opening of the Sex and the City movie. [Vogue UK]
• Ksube + Kanye = Pretty cool. [Sassybella]
• Diet Coke + Patricia Field = Pretty random. [Sassybella]
• OMG why did The Sartorialist get fired from the new Gap ads as a model already?! Why?! Why?! [Fashionista]
• Beth Ditto will be entertaining guests at the opening of the Alexander McQueen store in L.A. next week. [Fashion Week Daily]
• In the midst of economic downturn Barneys New York and Target seem to be entering into one of those "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" sorta things. [WWD, sub req'd]
• And young design bad-ass Danielle Scutt is designing for Topshop. Seeing a theme here? [WWD, 8th item]
• The Turks? Love them some Dior. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Just what you needed: How to dress like celebrities, made easy. And a little stalker-ish. [TechCrunch]

[New York, May 5. Image via INFDaily.com.]

[New York, May 5. Images via Splash.]

• Lindsay Lohan: Protective of lady love Samantha Ronson. A source says "Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at [NYC hotspot Beatrice Inn], and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old Full House ass away from my girlfriend.'" [Page Six]
  
• And don't forget! Even though LL was in AA, she downed vodka cocktails all night. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Here's how Lindsay looked on her way home: Drunk. [ONTD]
  
• Ali Lohan will make her screen debut in Mostly Ghostly, a flick based on an R.L. Stine book. She'll play a "popular high school senior." A mean girl maybe? [People]
  
• Emma "Hermione Granger" Watson celebrated her 18th birthday by flashing her see-through underwear to paparazzi. [Page Six]

• Whitney Houston attended a boxing match in Las Vegas Saturday night and was "practically carried in by her staff." Plus, her people "snapped their fingers, saying 'Whitney needs a waitress!'" Once a diva, always a diva. [Page Six]
• Heiress/model Lydia Hearst: Joining the cast of Gossip Girl? OMFG. [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which celebrity stylist, who should know better, has been blabbing in L.A. that a particular designer has tumbled off the wagon - again?" [Gatecrasher]
• Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had a double date with Nicole Richie and Joel Madden last week. Tattoos, flat-ironed hair and skinny jeans unite! [E!]
• Suri Cruise turned 2 on April 18 and her party was low-key: Coloring, cake, bowling. [MSNBC]
• Connor Cruise, the Tom and Nicole kid you never hear about, will make his film debut in an upcoming Will Smith movie. Connor will play a young version of Will and allegedly had to audition, even though Tom and Will are buddies. Well, he got the part, praise Xenu. [People]
• Dave Chappelle's former manager is suing him for 10% of the cash Dave's made since he fired the guy in 2005. Mo money, mo problems. [TMZ]
• David Hasselhoff was in the hospital over the weekend because stitches above his eye opened up and he was bleeding. America's got sutures. [TMZ]
• Jordin Sparks had "acute vocal cord hemorrhage" this weekend, igniting rumors that she'd never sing again. Even though she's canceled a bunch of tour dates, she should be back on the road in May. [TMZ]
• Gail O'Grady of NYPD Blue owes Caesars Palace $160,000 and Bally's $75,000 in gambling debts. What happens in Vegas stays on your credit report. [TMZ]
• Kanye West's former fiancée is "sad" about their broken engagement, but Alexis Phifer says, "I wish him the best in his future and all of his endeavors. He's one of the most talented people I've ever met." [People]
• Ewan McGregor had a skin cancer scare and had some moles removed. "I went to have them checked because you have to be careful if you are pale skinned with moles and you spend time in the sun." [Mirror]
• In attendance at Victoria Beckham's birthday party Saturday night: Kate Beckinsale, Eva Longoria, Gwen Stefani, Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise, Diddy, Will Smith, Gavin Rossdale, Usher and Elton John. [The Sun]
• Terrence "baby wipes" Howard hosted a listening session for his debut album yesterday. Yeah, he sings. He began writing songs at age 16 in his "rainbow colored notebook." The album has a jazzy, big band feel but no word if there are any songs about the "serious problem" of women being unclean. [People]
• Platinum country music artist Taylor Swift went to her senior prom Saturday night. Her date was chosen from 50 applicants via MTV but Taylor says "He was unbelievably sweet." [People]
• Supermodel and ex-wife of Mick Jagger Jerry Hall is revealing that growing up, her father was violent, physically and verbally abusive. [Mirror]
• Antonia Kidman, sister of Nicole, won the Favorite Female Personality prize at an Australian TV awards show. She hosts a program called From Here To Maternity. [News.com.au]
• Thirteen year old Lourdes Ciccone Leon wants to live in New York with daddy Carlos. Haha. Will Madonna's seamy New York past live again, through her daughter? [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Meanwhile, Madonna's new single went to No. 1 on both sides of the Atlantic and the headline of this story is: "Madonna: More Clout Than The Beatles, All By Herself... And Wearing Heels." [Times]
• David Blaine is in training to break the world record for breath-holding. BTW, he's not just a magician, he's an "endurance artist." So. [NY Times]
• Did Heather Mills lie about having a sad childhood? [The Sun]
• A Wendy Williams talk show? Sounds crazy, in a good way. [Variety]
• "I'm late all the time. I have no perception of time. Time is for white people. It doesn't work with me." — Erykah Badu. [Perez Hilton]

OK!
"I Will Get My Boys Back." Britney is getting better, wants her kids back, will show up for court when she's supposed to, etc. She and Kevin want to have a relationship like Demi and Bruce — civil. Also inside: Miley Cyrus is going to be writing her autobiography. OK!'s most eligible single people include Cameron Diaz, Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford and um, Whitney Houston. Also: Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant.
Grade: F (elephant turd)




Life & Style
"Pregancy Diaries." Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant. She's religious, so she wanted to be married before bringing a child into the world, blah blah blah. Also inside: the headline "Angelina is bigger than ever." She is having twins, isn't she? "Jamie Lynn's Struggling On Her Own" because everyone in her family is helping Britney — JLS spends lots of nights at fiancé Casey's house. Moving on: Kevin was dropping off the kids on April 8 and Britney kissed him in front of the kids. Will they get back together?
Grade: D- (pig feces)

Us
"How I Lost 20 Lbs." When Mariah Carey showed off her new super fit 5'9" inch shape to an Us reporter, she was wearing black skinny jeans that were size 0 but "they're stretchy," she explains. Mariah slimmed down in part because Vogue Editor At Large André Leon Talley told her to. "He said, 'Darling you've got to lose some weight,'" Mariah claims. Her new diet bans butter, uses very little oil and prescribes drinking up to 3 liters of water a day. Moving on: 52% of readers think Tori Spelling should not be posing in a bandeau bikini while pregnant (See Fig. 1). Angelina makes hotel and restaurant reservations under the name Shiloh Baptist. Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant. Heidi Klum is Us's Style Icon Of The Year. The magazine's Celebrity Designer Of The Year is Lauren Conrad, which is surely a sign of the apocalypse. Madonna wrote the captions for a photo-driven story called "My Worst Outfit." On the image of herself and Michael Jackson wearing white glittery ensembles on the way to an Oscar party in 1991, she wrote: "I don't know what to say. It's shocking."
Grade: D (bull shit)

In Touch
"It's Over." Katie Holmes wants her life back. Her career's been crappy since she married Tom Cruise and she wants to be in a Broadway play to prove that she can act. She's been hanging out with Dawson's Creek buddy Michelle Williams to remember happier days. Also inside: Benji Madden plans to marry Paris Hilton. Sigh. Brad Pitt is gaining sympathy weight from eating alongside pregnant Angelina: He'll order a pizza for the kids and one for himself. Plus: Heidi Montag says, "Butt implants are the new thing, so Kim Kardashian, watch out!" Heidi's friend explains, "She doesn't want to have plastic surgery, but she may have no choice. It's not the easy way out, it's more like her last resort." Hahahahahaha, just let that marinate in your brain for a while before it explodes. Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant. Jamie Lynn Spears and fiancé Casey wrote on the walls of BJ's Seafood in Liberty, Mississippi. The message reads: Casey ♥ Jamie. Kathy Griffin went shopping with Adnan Ghalib and he took a "astonishing number of calls" from someone whose "name rhymes with Prlitney Splears." The List this week is "Their Bodies Look Better Than Ever." Before and after pictures of Mariah Carey, Hilary Duff, and Whitney Houston (who looks the same).
Grade: D (cat crap)

Star
"Fight For Suri." Apparently there is some kind of trial separation going on between Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: She dreams of moving to New York, renting an apartment overlooking Central Park and being in a Broadway play; he wants her to be a good Scientology wife. Moving on: Alicia Keys will marry her boyfriend Kerry "Krucial" Brothers on July 4 in New York. Congrats! Rumer Willis is now dating Diana Ross's son Evan. Kirsten Dunst is out of rehab and went on a date with Ryan Gosling but he just likes her as a friend. Nicole Richie is preparing for Joel Madden to come back from his tour by ordering bras and thongs from Agent Provocateur. She's also moving the baby into the nursery so the bedroom can be sexy again. Heidi Montag claims the world only knows a fraction of the truth about Lauren Conrad and "if fans knew what she was like, they'd be shocked." Spencer Pratt says, "I'm getting paid to be the villain. I go along with it. I know I look like a jerk on the show, but that's the way it is. One day the world will find out that Lauren is the bigger jerk." Plus: Jessica Simpson was in the hospital for a kidney infection, bladder infection and urinary tract infection and a source says it's partly because she's been "drinking an obscene amount of alcohol." Also, she was three weeks late with her period and convinced she was knocked up so she asked hospital staff for a pregnancy test. When Kevin and Britney kissed last week, he said,"Should we be doing this in front of the kids?" Britney replied, "We're the parents, so why not?" A six-page photo story called "I Was An Ugly Duckling" includes pictures of Gwen Stefani, Eva Longoria and America Ferrera when they were kids.
Grade: D (doggie droppings)

Fig. 1

Us
"Reese's Untold Love Story." Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are waiting for the right moment to get married, and they plan to get married because they have good family values. Bo-ring. Also inside: Random photo spread of star strollers. Russell Crowe's kid rolls in a $430 carriage; Keri Russell pushes a $1,080 model. Plus: Heidi Montag wanted to change the Hollywood sign to read "Heidiwood" to celebrate her clothing line, but was turned down by the L.A. City Council. LOL. Kevin Federline wants to get back together with Britney "now that he knows what was wrong," i.e., mental illness. K Fed listens to Brit's Blackout all the time, a source spills. Give him more!
Grade: F (waterboarding)

Life & Style
"At Home With Nicole And Joel." "The greatest thing about Harlow right now is that she laughs and smiles a lot," Joel Madden tells the mag. "She wakes up every morning laughing and smiling and it's the best part of my day." Joel sings Nirvana and Radiohead lullabies to the baby. Meanwhile, Nicole has returned to group counseling and alcohol education. Moving on! "Why Audrina Posed Nude." She was out of high school, trying to launch a modeling career, and wanted to feel "comfortable" in front of the camera. Mission accomplished! Britney appeared slim on How I Met Your Mother because her hair was flat ironed, she had contouring makeup, and flattering wardrobe to slenderize her figure. Plus: Did High School Musical's Ashley Tisdale get another nose job? Do you care? Also: The Texas house that Brad and Angelina are renting has a wrestling ring inside! It used to belong to The Undertaker. Lastly, Tori Spelling says that with her first pregnancy she was worried about how she'd lose the weight after but this time around, she knows it's possible to get your body back with diet and dedication. Sigh.
Grade: D- (caning)

In Touch
"The Wedding Of The Century." Hey! Look! A made-up cover story! Angelina MIGHT have realized her children want their parents to be husband and wife, so she MIGHT get married. IF Angie and Brad get married, she MIGHT carry a bouquet of flowers picked by her kids. They MIGHT get married on a boat and it MIGHT be the Octopus, the $200 million yacht owned by Microsoft's Paul Allen. This wouldn't happen until after the twins are born, so that all of their kids could be present at the ceremony, so this "Wedding of the Century" wouldn't happen until September. Also inside: Kevin Federline says "I will always love the mothers of my children." Paris Hilton is having her five-bedroom, 7,493 square foot home gutted and renovated and it might have a club in the basement! "My house is so big," Paris says. "I love it." Reese Witherspoon visited a farm and bought a $650 piglet for her kids! They're said to make great pets. (Pigs, that is.) Tara Reid spent her vacation in Mexico drinking morning noon and night, then was seen at the airport bar and also had a cocktail on the plane home. Carrie Underwood and Chase Crawford: Dunzo. She dumped him. Kirsten Dunst called Tobey Maguire and apologized to him for things she did when they were working together and dating in 2001. Rehab heals all wounds! Rock Of Love's Kristy Joe says: "I've pulled on Brett Michael's hair and it doesn't move. I know it's not a wig but he does wear extensions." Ew, like Axl Rose??? Kate Bosworth says she loses weight when she's under stress, and was so thin two years ago because "a family member had a terminal illness." She also says of a photo of her at her thinnest, "Don't look at this as a standard of some kind of beauty and health." Except it landed you a Calvin Klein modeling gig! "The List" this week is women who "finally" got pregnant: Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman and Marcia Cross.
Grade: D- (paddling)

OK!
"Big Girls Now." Hey! Another made-up cover story! Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt are babies, and they're both turning two soon! And you almost can't tell this image was cobbled together in PhotoShop! OK! "Looks back at the lives of Hollywood's two most influential tots." Amazing. Moving on: Tyra Banks thinks that photo shoot creative director Jay Manuel has become a diva and is ungrateful to her for making him a star. Manuel has a makeup line, a show on the Style Network and is the host of Canada's Next Top Model. Meanwhile Tyra barely interacts with the contestants and only wants to show up on judging day. Also inside: 20 things you didn't know about the Sex And The City "girls": Sarah Jessica Parker scrubs her "tootsies" 11 times a day; Kim Cattrall cooks in the nude; Kirsten Davis was supposed to be Carrie; Cynthia Nixon was arrested in 2002 for protesting school budget cuts in front of New York's City Hall. Plus: Britney is considering opening her own dance studio. How come in every magazine this week, there's an image of her wearing the same horrifying green shirt? (Fig 1.) Where does one purchase a shirt so ugly? Anyway. Lastly: Christina Aguilera's son "screams his head off" when he sees mommy in full makeup, especially red lipstick."He cries bloody murder," an insider says.
Grade: D (spanking)

Star
"Sick Katie Collapses." Katie Holmes left a restaurant in LA after having a dizzy spell and she looked pale, exhausted and emaciated. She's been suffering from severe headaches that make her see black spots and feel faint; it's either migraines or the fact that trying to keep up with Tom is killing her. "Tom has boundless energy and she can't compete," says a source. Also inside: Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman go skinny-dipping by moonlight. "They don't just splash around — they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises," says a disgruntled neighbor. Are Pink and Carey Hart reconciling? Maybe. Jason Lewis likes cougars! He's now seeing Teri Hatcher. Lindsay Lohan won't go out to dinner with you unless you're picking up the tab and won't go to events unless she knows she's getting free shit. Blind item! "Which actress who gave birth last fall has no plans to marry the baby's daddy? Pals are wondering if the relationship was ever real or if it was just set up so she could have a kid." There's a story called "Joel Walks Out On Nicole" but it's about how he had to go on tour and wouldn't let Nicole and Harlow come with him. He doesn't think a newborn belongs on a rock tour and Nicole is really just upset that Paris is going and she's not. Plus: Britney's three days on the set of How I Met Your Mother were a "nightmare." She has sudden "mood changes" and her good-girl persona is "all an act." She's totally "biding her time until she can stop the charade and take control of her life again." Yikes! Meanwhile, sister Jamie Lynn might be getting engaged: Casey is shopping for a ring! Mary-Kate and Ashley have "finally had enough of each other." They're working on a fashion line but have conflicting styles, which is causing friction. Angelina Jolie has gestational diabetes, which means she has to watch what she eats and check her blood sugar. Her feet are so swollen that she's gone up half a shoe size, at least. Does American Idol's Carly Smithson have a connection to judge Randy Jackson that gives her an unfair advantage? Apparently he heard her music early in her career when he worked at a record label, oooh.
Grade: D+ (hotsaucing)

Fig. 1

Life & Style
"Where's Suri?" Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter is missing! Not really. Suri has been taking dance classes and going to playgroups at the Scientology Center. Shocking. Also inside: Brad and Angelina try to be normal, but they can't! Because they do extraordinary things like fly planes, ride motorcycles and hang with Bill Clinton. Sigh. Lindsay Lohan refused to walk the red carpet at an event because Paris Hilton's name was on the backdrop. Is Madonna having a mid-life crisis? She flirts with younger men and admitted to taking ecstasy once. Whatev. In an interview with Sarah Jessica Parker, she says she loves sex scenes: "Bring me the next fabulously attractive man!"
Grade: D- (Egg & spoon race)

OK!
"Jen's Magic Diet... That Works!" Listen, we did not read the entire four page story about Jennifer Aniston's body because it's extremely hard to care, but: She does yoga, she meditates, she learns to accept herself, etc. And she takes care of her hair, because it used to be "Too dark, too long, too fuzzy, too kinky." Also inside: Vanessa Williams has a beauty tip for acne: Morning urine on the face. "I did it — I tried to do it and then I was like, I'm not doing it." She used ProActiv instead. Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani could be working on a love duet! There's four pages of women who are "Getting Sexier With Age" and they include: Rihanna (???) Scarlett Johansson, Halle Berry and Demi Moore. Katie Holmes is designing for Armani: a line for toddlers for spring 2009, followed by a collection for older children in fall 2009, then a line of handbags in 2010 and maybe women's clothes after. (Except, um, this story has been debunked.) Scary diet trends! Madonna got injections, Katherine Heigl smokes, Mary-Kate Olsen is a caffeine addict, Julianne Moore is "hungry all the time." Carnie Wilson is heavy again at 208 lbs but says she doesn't think of herself as a failure. "I want to lose 45-50 lbs and then try to have a baby," she says. After which she'll probably want to lose. Again. One more C-List star has a weight-loss story: Shar Jackson has lost 20 lbs. "I am 115 lbs. and when people see me and blog about it, they say I'm fat," she says. Sigh.
Grade: D (Sack race)

Us
"How I Was Stabbed In The Back." Lauren Conrad has been constantly betrayed by friends. She poses in a somber photo shoot to prove it! Audrina has been banished to the guest house while Lo is in the main building. Meow! Moving on: Us casts the Spitzer movie: John Malkovich as Eliot Spitzer; Jennifer Aniston as Silda ("No stranger to the trials of infidelity") and Kim Kardashian as Ashley Alexandra Dupre, aka Kristen. There are also pictures of the real Ashley Alexandra Dupre: Did you know she was living in a $4,000 a month studio in Chelsea? Effing real estate.
Grade: D+ (Three-legged race)

In Touch
"It's A Boy... And A Girl!" Brad and Angelina are going to move to France, she loves being pregnant, they used fertility treatments, etc. Stuff you already know. No new news. Moving on. Nicole Kidman's baby bump is still so small because "some people gain weight differently." A friend says to keep the baby healthy, Nicole would "gain 100 lbs. if necessary." El oh el. Plus: Adnan Ghalib's girlfriend Amanda Pagel didn't realize he was sleeping with Britney Spears while they were seeing each other. Amanda's texts prompted Britney to throw Adnan's iPhone in the pool. Audrina from The Hills says she doesn't want a boyfriend; she wants to focus on acting. Katie Holmes is stealing Suri's style! They wear similar jackets. Britney Spears kept forgetting her lines on the set of How I Met Your Mother and the shoot which started at 3:30 pm, went until midnight, because of Brit. Hey, candidates look like stars! Hillary Clinton=Ellen DeGeneres, Barack Obama=Denzel Washington (??) and John McCain=Steve Martin. Ugh. Lastly, an "At Home With Mischa Barton" shoot has her awkwardly posed while twirling a floaty frock on a staircase in her house. Glamorous!
Grade: C (Red rover)

Star
"Jen, Kate & Owen: Love Triangle!" When Owen Wilson started shooting a movie in Miami with Jennifer Aniston, it didn't bother Kate Hudson, but then he started telling Kate "how cool and pretty" Jen is and Kate got worried. To help Owen decide which woman to choose, the magazine breaks down their stats on a page (Fig. 1) called "How They Measure Up." Classy! Also inside: Did Ali Lohan have her lips plumped? (Fig. 2) Keep in mind that she is 14 years old. Sean Penn wants Robin Wright back! A source says "He calls her at all hours of the night to ask for her forgiveness, but she hangs up on him." Lauren Conrad and Entourage star Kevin Connolly: It's on! "They have not made a commitment or gone public with their relationship but often meet up for late-night booty calls," says a source. Matt Lauer's wife has stopped wearing her wedding ring and a friend says, "He's married to NBC." Nicole Richie's dog peed on a $1,000 dress in a chi-chi boutique! And there's a picture! Nicole bought the dress, and had it dry cleaned, of course. Plus: Lindsay Lohan is in a lesbian tug-of-war! LL's ex-"roommate" Courtenay Semel is pissed that Lindz is with Sam Ronson. Lindsay's been wearing a diamond ring with the initials SR. Sam is "100% in love with her," says a source. A pal claims Courtenay is "steaming mad that Lindsay has gone back" to Sam. Ooh, Dancing With The Stars drama: Cheryl Burke and Drew Lachey had an affair! Her boyfriend, Matthew Lawrence (Joey's brother), caught them having oral sex backstage in a dressing room. Drew is married and has a 2 year old daughter. Scandalous! Ooh-la-la, the pictures of Angie and Brad's ivy-covered "French Dream Home" look soooo nice. Six bedrooms and a pool! Halle Berry's baby daddy might actually move in with her. He's closed his NYC restaurant and will move to L.A. to be an actor. "He will do a soap opera if he has to," a source spills.
Grade: C+ (Duck duck goose)

Fig. 1



Fig. 2

• While Justin Timberlake was working with Madonna on her album, Madge offered JT a B-12 shot. "She proceeds to pull a Ziploc bag of B-12 syringes out [of her purse] and says, 'Drop 'em.' I don't know what you say to that, so I immediately dropped my pants," Justin says. "She gave me a shot in my ass and looks at me and says, 'Nice top shelf.' That was one of the greatest days of my life." [People]
  
• Last night, Madonna was been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Music. Makes the people. Come together. Music makes the bourgeoisie and the rebel. [Mirror]
  
• A source calls Lindsay Lohan's new friends "leeches." Maybe LL is used to that? CoughmommyDinacoughcough? [Page Six]
  
• Dina Lohan on her show, Living Lohan, which begins shooting on the 16th and will air around Memorial Day on E!: "Be nice to us." [Gatecrasher]
  
• "I may be Eccentric, i certainly speak my mind and am slow to put out a record i need to mean the world to ME, and im sure i am quite Nuerotic [sic] but 'Bi Polar'. Thats just slander." — Courtney Love. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• Yeah, yeah, we know. Patricia Heaton has no belly button. [TMZ]

• On her MySpace page, Brooke Hogan speaks out against her friend who had a fling with her father, Hulk Hogan: "I think she shoulda thought about what kinda press she was gonna get when she slept with her best friend's famous father . . . I think we're all seeing just exactly how karma works Christiane. Nothing you say will ever put my family back together." [Page Six]
• Superbad star Jonah Hill: Smokes his weed out of an apple bong. Just like Charlize! [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which 8-year-old son of a daytime TV personality told gossip reporters on the red carpet that he had recently come down from bed to find his famous mom drinking margaritas on the terrace? 'She told me she was going to do the dishes, but she lied to me!' the tyke complained earnestly." [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which clean-cut pop star is a jerk behind closed doors? When a top model accidentally sat on his jacket at a recording studio, the warbler sprinted over and demanded she move immediately." [Rush & Molloy]
• Britney's lawyers are trying to get Kevin Federline to pay his own legal bills; K-Fed pleads poverty — despite recently tipping a waitress $2000 on a $365 bill. Being a bad-ass baby daddy is expensive! [Rush & Molloy]
• Meanwhile, Britney may get some financial independence back: A judge ruled that Dad Jamie can give her a debit card that has a $1500 per week limit on it. [TMZ]
• American Idol alum Sanjaya appeared at a Bat Mitzvah on Long Island and sang two songs — for free. Oy. [TMZ]
• Jessica Simpson does not have her pricey hairdresser with her in Kuwait; she flew a commercial airline and not a private jet, and she is staying in the barracks. "She has significantly scaled back her entourage," he rep says. Just so you know. [People]
• Project Runway winner Christian Siriano says the Saturday Night Live skit in which Amy Poehler does an impression of him was "SO FUNNY. The hair was absolutely perfect. I don't think I could have done it better myself. It was fierce!" [People]
• Mark Ronson will notbe DJing Suri Cruise's second birthday party. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." [ONTD]
• Aww! Emma Watson, aka Hermione Granger, has a new boyfriend. "We've only been going out together for three weeks, but it's brilliant at the moment." [Mirror]
• Uh, this paper claims Jennifer Aniston has dumped her man, Brian Bouma, a crew member on a film she was working on. Did you even know they were seeing each other? Wasn't she with Jason Lewis? [Mirror]
• James McAvoy says Angelina Jolie was rough with him in their new film, Wanted: "She kicked seven colors of poo out of me but, thankfully, I'm still in one piece." [Mirror]
• "Cheeky" photographs of Gisele Bundchen and Kate Moss are being auctioned off. And by cheeky we mean naked. [The Sun]
• HBO has ordered 13 episodes of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, a show based on the best-selling books. Singer Jill Scott stars! [Concrete Loop]
• Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch is in ruins. The Ferris wheel has rusted, the mansion has broken windows and the paint is peeling. The perfect set for a horror film! [The Sun]
• Rosie O'Donnell and Kathy Griffin made a video where they talk about Barbara Walters, lube, Helen Mirren, etc. [Perez Hilton]
• Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is free. He's out of a Nevada jail and headed to Florida, where he'll face charges related to filming underaged girls. [USA Today]
• Janet Jackson is co-writing a book about her journey as an "emotional eater." Um, yay? [Reuters]
• Tori Spelling has a book, too! It's called Stori Telling, of course. She talks about her nose job, boob job, a passionless marriage and trouble with her mother. Also: When her dad died, she only got $800,000 of his estimated $500 million fortune. [USA Today]
• Van Halen continues to postpone shows as Eddie Van Halen continues to undergo tests for an undislosed medical condition. [Reuters]
• Gene Simmons: Bald. [Seriously OMG WTF]

• Oscar winner Marion Cotillard has conspiracy theories! She questions the attack on the World Trade Center towers: "We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes. There was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burned for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there (in New York), in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed." Plus! She doubts Neil Armstrong! "Did a man really walk on the moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered," she says. "I don't believe all they tell me, that's for sure." [Variety]
  
• Are Britney and Adnan Ghalin dunzo? Did she throw his iPhone into the pool after finding "saucy" texts from another woman? [The Sun]
  
• Jennifer Lopez has indeed, as previously reported, named her twins Max and Emme. A reader points out that those were the names of the kids in the cartoon Dragon Tales. WTF? [CNN, YouTube]
  
• Colin Farrell is hooked on Russian steam baths. "There's something very basic about rubbing honey on your skin and going steaming with a bunch of strange Russian men," he says. Well, it's healthier than drugs and alcohol, for sure. [UPI]

• Jamie Lynn Spears' unborn kid is prolly a boy. Hopefully we won't be named Casey Lynn. [MSNBC]
• A new photography show features the tattoos of Lindsay Lohan. Highbrow! [Page Six]
• Family drama! Atonement star James McAvoy hasn't spoken to his father, James McAvoy Senior, in 21 years. And his 18-year-old half-brother, Donald, is in the clink for stabbing a man eight times. [Daily Mail]
• Simon Cowell doesn't believe in marriage, for financial reasons. "The truth is that you get married and in a year or two they clean you out! We have contracts with artists that are 120 pages long and last five years. Then you go into marriage with no contract and the laws are a thousand years old." [Mirror]
• Oh, and Simon was offered a million dollar deal to be the "face" of Viagra. His response: "Sorry, but that has to be a fucking insult." [The Sun]
• What??? A plot to kill Mick Jagger??? Oh... In 1969. [USA Today]
• Aussie model Gemma Ward, who was linked to Heath Ledger, says, "He told me to always be a punk and 'stand up for yourself.'" [Sydney Morning Herald]
• One of Paris Hilton's dogs is "mating" with the Yorkie of Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson. [Gatecrasher]
• While filming The Other Boleyn Girl, Scarlett Johansson was voted the world's sexiest woman by a men's mag. Some of the crew said she looked more like a grungy teenager; Scarlett heard and "lost her temper." Who could blame her? [UPI]
• Meanwhile, Scarlett is offering herself up on eBay; a night with her is being auctioned off for Oxfam. [Mirror]
• Paris Hilton has been seen hanging out with a "bearded guru." [Mirror]
• The spirit guide blessed a necklace Paris was wearing and then advised her to give it away, so some chick at Urth Cafe was the lucky recipient. [TMZ]
• Blind item! "Which single-ish A-list actor is back to his old ways since splitting with his wife? He was seen handing off a suspicious-looking vial to a hard-partying TV thesp who is about to hit the big screen." [Gatecrasher]
• Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz is opening a punk-themed unisex beauty parlor in his native Chicago, so everyone can be flatironed into oblivion. Joy! [Rush & Molloy]
• Jason Davis, brother of Mischa Barton's ex, Brandon Davis, was arrested for cocaine possession over the weekend. [TMZ]
• Mark Ronson is DJing Suri Cruises' 2nd birthday party? Seriously? [TMZ]
• Sophie Monk has released a statement: "Benji Madden did not leave me for Paris Hilton." Hmm, we never thought that, but whatever. Also: Paris has a new ring on her "engagement finger," is it from Benji? [People]
• Now that the writers' strike is over, Eva Longoria-Parker is getting back in shape, because apparently the pregnancy rumors stemmed from her gaining weight. Except she is plenty thin! What is wrong with people? [People]
• Prince Harry, back home from Afghanistan: "I wouldn't say I'm a hero. here were two injured guys who came back on the plane with us who were essentially comatose throughout the whole way. One had lost two limbs — a left arm and a right leg — and another guy who was saved by his mate's body being in the way but took shrapnel to the neck. Those are the heroes. Those were guys who had been blown up by a mine that they had no idea about, serving their country, doing a normal patrol." [People]
• Rapper Juvenile is "shocked and devastated" after learning that his 4-year-old daughter, her mother and another child were shot dead in their home in Lawrenceville, GA. [MTV News]
• Miley Cyrus and her dad are on the cover of a magazine called Cowboys & Indians. [ONTD]
• A judge dismissed part of actress Hunter Tylo's lawsuit against her late son's therapist. Her 19-year-old son drowned last October and Tylo sued the therapist, who had counseled the family. [UPI]
• Vanessa Williams and ex-husband Rick Fox were making the rounds Saturday, helping their daughter sell Girl Scout Cookies. [Concrete Loop]
• American Idol reject Robbie Carrico swears his hair is not a wig or weave. "I've been growing this hair for a very long time," Carrico says. Perhaps it's time to cut it off? [People]
• Mariah Carey on the cover of Allure! [The.Life Files]
• Will Ferrell's new flick was a dud at the box office, making a mere $15.3 million. [Reuters]

• Matthew McConaughey's girlfriend, model Camilla Alves, is pregnant. These are the eloquent words the actor and surfer dude wrote: "My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together. Its 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation." There's more, but you get the point. Also: The kid's gonna be gorgeous. [Us Magazine]
  
• RIP Brad Renfro, star of flicks like The Client and Apt Pupil. The 25-year-old was found dead in his home yesterday. [TMZ, NY Times]
  
• Britney Spears was completely naked in a Betsey Johnson store over the weekend, says an employee at the boutique. "Then she disappeared in the dressing room with Adnan for 45 minutes. They were making weird noises. It was disgusting." Uh, maybe he was helping her try on clothes? [Page Six]

• Paris Hilton's ex, Stavros Niarchos, is pursuing Victoria's Secret model Izabel Goulart. I dunno why we need to know this. [Page Six]
• Melissa Rivers: Grabby at a gift suite. So annoying how celebs get so much free stuff. Wait, is she a celeb? [Page Six]
• Sean Penn, who wrote for the San Francisco Chronicle in the past, drafted a letter calling the publication an "increasingly lamebrain paper." The Chronicle printed his letter, hee hee! [Editor & Publisher]
• Uh oh, Amy Winehouse is having visa issues. She may not be able to go to the Grammys! Then again, the Grammys could be canceled because of the writers' strike. [Gatecrasher]
• Dr. Phil is looking for celebs to appear on his 1,000th episode; after the Britney debacle, stars are not so interested. Could the doc use some therapy? [Gatecrasher]
• And Britney's suicide note, which was mentioned in last week's midweek madness, is about her loneliness, how unfair life is and how she can't trust anyone, sigh. [The Sun]
• Blind item! "Which doe-eyed young TV star is attracting attention for his indiscreet way with cocaine? 'He will do it absolutely anywhere,' says a source. 'Don't tell anybody!'" [Gatecrasher]
• Was Gwyneth Paltrow in the hospital because of a troubled pregnancy? [Rush & Molloy]
• Theives broke into Sadie Frost's London home — while she was there. The burglars took a cash and laptop. And this isn't the first time her house has been robbed: It happened in 2006 as well. Someone call security! [Daily Mail]
• Says someone who works for Zoey 101, Jamie Lynn Spears' show: "Everyone on the set is shocked by Jamie Lynn's pregnancy. "They don't know who did it... It could be anyone on the show!" [Rush & Molloy]
• David Spade: Maybe knocked up a Playboy Playmate. What is with that guy getting hot chicks? [TMZ]
• Linsday Lohan tried to avoid the paparazzi by wearing a brunette wig on her way to traffic school. Didn't work. [TMZ]
• John Mayer is defending Jessica Simpson on his blog, asking people who claim she jinxed Dallas Cowboys star Tony Romo to back off. "That girl loves Texas more than you know," he wrote. "It's one of her most defining traits as a person. So please don't try and take that away from her." It's a decent thing for an ex to do; making it hard to hate on this guy, ugh. [People]
• Eva Longoria is also defending Jessica Simpson. She relates, because her husband is a sports star, you see? Groan. [LA Times]
• OMG