Don't ask guys what they likes — they can barely talk anyway. Instead, remember that 61.6% of men pay attention to "a hot body" — so get one! And you'll probably want to put your hair up, because 76.1% of guys like to see a girl in a ponytail. That scrunchy will come in handy later. Speaking of sex, 27.4% of men would like to bring "a kinky costume" into the bedroom, so wear your sexy maid outfit for about one out of four guys you sleep with. But watch out for the "backdoor area" — 60.7% of dudes say you should never touch it "under any circumstances." If all these numbers don't put enough science in your summer, flip to page 142 for an exhaustive chart that explains how you can use this season to "chill out and recharge" or "have an adventure." Because what's the point of fun if you can't graph it?

Although precollege programs at top universities — and various overseas service programs — are still going strong, many families are seeking cheaper options. Example: the bizarro case of the Connors family and their daughter Maddie. According to the Times,

Maddie [...] planned on a Spanish-immersion summer, but a six-week $8,000 trip exceeded the family's budget. Working with a consultant, the Connors picked a two-week volunteer trip to Fiji that, with air fare, is about $2,500. (Ms. Connors said the $1,100 she paid the consultant, Everything Summer, helped her "know the full range of high-end program options.")

We're not sure what's more disturbing, the idea that a teen's summer now has to be "high end," or the idea that it's worth paying a consultant $1,100 to facilitate this high-endness. Of course, the goal of all of this is to get kids into a good college, which would be admirable if the quest hadn't started to seem like such an arms race. Their arsenals depleted, families hell-bent on Harvard are putting their kids to work. High school sophomore Kristen Barnett, for instance, is babysitting and refereeing youth soccer to pay for her volunteer trip to Costa Rica.

Of course, some of the desire for expensive summer programs is coming from the kids themselves, and working for what they want can certainly be healthy. Admissions consultant Deena Maerowitz says school admissions officers tell her, "it doesn't matter to us if you climbed Mount Everest or if you started your own nonprofit or if you worked in a retail store. What's important to us is what you got out of your experience." Good advice, but maybe the recession will bring back a kind of summer that seems to have disappeared for middle- and upper class college-bound teens — a summer that's about the present, rather than the future.

Especially in the higher tax bracket, kids seem to be under tons of pressure to prepare for college, so they can prepare for professional school, so they can prepare for a career. Why not let them enjoy the last time in their lives when they don't have to worry about achievement? A simple summer job might be lower-pressure — and even more instructive — than an $8,000 immersion program, but if those jobs are growing scarce, as the Times suggests, what about a summer lazing around and riding bikes? It may not be a resume-builder, but it's fun, and it's something to look back on when you're all grown up and spending your summers at a desk.

Summer Break? I'm Working on It [NYT]

Like my dear friend Gwyneth Paltrow, I fancy myself a lifestyle expert, in that I have also done things and seen things and made things before. With such experience in my corner, I thought I'd attempt to make a basic guide to Summer Fun:

Make: Miracles Un-happen Many people in the world like to pray for miracles to happen. This is all well and good, but you can make your Summer extra special by ensuring that miracles do NOT happen. This is the season of cole slaw, pasta, and potato salads. Remember: the key for having a great cookout is to say to yourself: "Mayonnaise, not Miracles," for Miracle Whip is very much NOT the same thing as mayonnaise, no matter what your cousin Jimmy says. Miracle Whip is the devil's condiment, friends. Please do not be fooled by promises of extraordinary things. The real miracle would be if people would stop trying to act like these two spreads are the same thing. THEY ARE NOT. You can do your part by keeping your parties Miracle free. Sure, the blessings of the heavens may not shine upon your potato salad, but at least you can sleep at night.

Go: Kart A Go-Kart is society's mode of allowing you to race younger people, and defeat them, in an acceptable manner that does not involve getting pulled over by the cops. Do not be intimidated by the middle schoolers who want to take you out on the track: you are the boss, 2Fast2Furious, and on the track, you don't have to be nice to little Bobby or Sally. Burn rubber! And then reward yourself with an equally classy ride on the Bumper Boats. If anyone asks, tell them you spent the day "cruising and taking a sail." Nobody has to know it was at Wild Bill's Race-o-Rama.

Get: A Hose The economy is making it difficult for some of us to take those luxurious beach vacations we desire. However, there is a marvelous invention called the garden hose that will take you back to those glory days of childhood, when you also did not have a swimming pool, but you had a pretty spectacular sprinkler that was tons of fun until one of the neighborhood kids decided to sit on it mid-play and ruin the fun for everyone. A hose is also useful for watering plants, washing the dog, and spraying at the high school kids who, for some reason, think summertime is a good enough reason to make out on everyone's lawn.

Do: Turn The Bad Into A Fad So you forgot to put sunscreen on the soles of your feet and now you have to walk on tiptoe. Whatevs, Trevs! Just tell your friends and family that "toe-walking" is very in, very Vogue and that they're two steps behind, as always. Soon, everyone you know will be trying to burn their soles to keep up with your glamorous style. Be sure to throw in some cliches as well, to make it very convincing: "beauty is pain," "glamour hurts" and "sunburned toes before hos" work just fine.

Be: Original In order to obtain true originality, please be sure to follow every direction I've given so far. You should have a hose, burned toes, real mayo, and a VIP pass to the hottest bumper boat station in the nation. If you can't pull this together, perhaps you should reconsider the really important things in life and try to prioritize. Summer is a time to relax and have a good time. But one can only relax and have a great time if one is following very strict summer rules.

See: This And remember, one summer never ends, and one summer never began. I'm not sure what that means, either, but it sounds very deep and important, which is what all summer things should be:

Remember, summer is a time of fun in the sun. Always be on the lookout for false miracles, chances to race, uses for hoses, dreamy summer jams, and sunburned toe glamour. Without it, your season just may end up being a huge, steaming pile of GOOP.

I can't get away with tiny animal print shorts, but surely some of you can? Thirty bucks is a good deal!

This long, strapless printed dress seems versatile — whether you're going to the supermarket, to the beach or to a garden party. $50!

Multi-colored denim — matched to Chucks — just makes it seem like the world is full of joy and possibility. Or maybe it's giving me a flashback. The jeans and the sneaks are $50 each.

Loving the poppy, op-art tunic. Pair with footless tights for a mod look! It's $45. the plaid shirt I'm meh about, though it looks great on the model. ($40)

Hmm, plaid dress? Do we likey? ($45)

Four words: Cute, cute, cute cute! That black and white boy-short suit on the lower right is additionally adorbs.

I've written about being a plus-size shopper who plunders the pages of Alloy before; this issue has plenty of items I covet. Starting with the backdrop on the cover… I don't know where it is, but it looks like a vacay. I want to go to there.

I have some of those Truck jeans (far left) and they fit great. They come in sizes 1-25 and inseams 30"-37". Because — gasp — women come in different shapes and sizes!

Even though I despise jumpsuits, this chick is pulling it off. Maybe because it's a "romper"? Or maybe the backdrop is helping.

Pretty!!! (I could say more, but why?)

I love summery clothes which are loose and loungey. And! That tunic on the right comes in sizes S-XXXL.

For some reason I find that tops with open, square or scooped out necklines are not only flattering to the double Ds but more comfortable and breezy. Hence: Want.

Psst. Yoga pants "super steal."

Teens who wear outfits like this are better-dressed than I am but then again I blog from home in a muumuu.

More pretty. Especially the long dress on the left and the tunic on the right. And everything here is under $50.

Add an ice cream cone and some flip flops and you've got a summer classic.

Delia's [Official Site]
Alloy [Official Site]
Earlier: Alloy: The Secret Weapon Of The Broke & Plus-Sized
Delia's Deals: A Guilty Pleasure For The Young At Heart

This is a gorgeous, "editorial" photograph that delights my senses and would make me think of that hazy summer I spent by the lake if I ever did such a thing. As a consumer, though, I just think: I cannot see/understand that dress!!! How do you expect me to pay $168 when I don't even know what the hem looks like?

I've made Virginia Woolf drowning jokes in a catalog post before; now I wish I'd saved them.

Oh, too bad. They left this bag in the water so long it accumulated barnacles.

A swimsuit shot underwater makes sense, but — am I crazy or is the fabric color bleeding?

Bet you can't guess what these are! The caption I omitted purposely, so you can just stare at hem agog and question life itself. Give up? Highlight this "hidden" text: They're $88 earrings.

Yes, yes, beautiful shot. But is this a top, a dress, a jumpsuit or a muumuu?

Such a killjoy, I am. All I can think of are the waterlogged samples from the shoot. What became of them?

Oh, and even when the models were not in the water, they were threatening to submerge themselves:

Like this young lady, who is just daring you to whisper, "jump!"

Or this chick, who is contemplating a dip, especially since that dude is like, "It feels so good."

Or these two, who are clearly seconds away from a swim.

Three… two… one… drenched.

Even the furniture is moistened in this catalog.

Now I have to pee.

Anthropologie [Official Site]
Earlier:
Anthropologie "Adorned": Critters & Kids Steal The Spotlight From Bags & Baubles
Anthropologie "Revival": TV-Ready Fall Fashion
Pottery Barn, Anthropologie & West Elm: Bedding Porn For Sleepyheads
CB2, Anthropologie & Delia's: More Bedding Porn For SleepyHeads
Please Do Not Look The Anthropologie Model In The Eye
Anthropologie "Vignettes": Forcing Us To Look Forward To Fall
Anthropologie "Giving": We Love To Hate & Hate To Love It
Urban Outfitters, Free People & Anthropologie: What's The Difference?


Anthropologie Doesn't Care About Black People

[Seoul, South Korea; May 6. Image via Getty]

A group of girls play in a fountain in downtown Seoul on May 6, 2009 to cool off on an unusually hot, spring day, as temperatures soared to a high of 31 centigrade across South Korea. AFP PHOTO/JUNG YEON-JE (Photo credit should read JUNG YEON-JE/AFP/Getty Images)

[Amritsar, India; April 28. Image via Getty]

Young Indian women pose as they eat 'Ice Gola' a handmade ice cream at a roadside stall in Amritsar on April 28, 2009, while seeking relief from the summer heat. Temperatures are already hovering around the 42.4 degree Celsius mark as summer has arrived in the northern Indian plains. AFP PHOTO/NARINDER NANU (Photo credit should read NARINDER NANU/AFP/Getty Images)

"Is Believing In Creationism Grounds For A Breakup?" from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

(Click on an image below to start the gallery view)

Becoming a lifeguard involved no small amount of courage for me, as I was a really big dork, and lifeguards tend to be Abercrombie people, something I vaguely aspired to be, until I realized they thought Dave Matthews was really good. Becoming a pool operator also involved some sort of basic chemistry test, where I learned boys really do think you're stupid if you're blonde (lifeguarding involved becoming very blonde) and will be utterly shocked if you outperform them on a science test, even if they are incredibly incredibly dumb. (Boys never realize how dumb they actually are.)

Being a lifeguard involved a lot of swinging around a whistle and accidentally hurling it into people's eyes and such, and being stalked by kids in crappy condominium complexes off Route 1. No one liked to work those pools — they wanted big middle-class country clubs, with social lives and shit — but they paid better. So you'd periodically find yourself wheedled into a few shifts at, say, Meadow Woods — "Ghetto Woods," it had been so cleverly nicknamed — thrust into the disturbing position of keeping company to kids who clung to lifeguards with the sort of immediacy reserved to kids who know you will abandon them. As I grew bored of Dave Matthews, I grew fonder of those kids.

The summer job is supposed to instill in high schoolers a deep-seated sense of the imperative of a college eduction. Working minimum wage jobs is so taxing, the legend has it, that you'll never want to drop out having worked one. But a part of me — uh, probably the lobe that houses caffeine addiction — wanted to stay at my most taxing summer job, at a busy Starbucks, forever. It was enforced laziness that made me want to get out. And I am a fucking lazy person.

But laziness is a double-edged sword. I might have liked the The Iliad had I read it in a more controlled climate; I should have read more when my brain was not so damaged. Instead lifeguards taught me new ways to damage it, and I got my last tan and learned a little about how fucking depressing life is when you slow it down a few speeds.

Sink Or Swim [WSJ]

Teens Face A Tough Market For Summer Jobs [MSNBC]
Related: Economists React: "Teen Angst" Or Playing "Catch Up" In Jobless Rate? [WSJ]

Earlier: Jesus Died On The Cross So You Would Tip Your Damn Barista, Fox News

Anyway, it just reminded me that the one time I didn't mind my swimsuit was a period during which I worked as a lifeguard and the style was to layer swimsuits: a new tight Speedo underneath, with the chlorine-loosened uniform Speedo over that — bringing back layering could be cool — but even then the only reason I could stand it was that I had enough time, what with lifeguarding being the world's laziest job, to apply enough sunscreen and self-tanner to be actually somewhat tan. So yeah, those days are over, and the swimsuit is dead to me now. But I'm open to suggestions!

Out With Vegas, In With Vamp [NYT]
Golly! Be a Hot Tamale In Kamali [Observer]