Jezebel: strictly dickly

5 Rules Of The New Chivalry

Tracie — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:30:00 EST

This morning on Today, "experts" weighed in on the hot button issue of chivalry, and whether the concept is dead, outdated, or just plain unfeminist. We don't think that chivalry is dead, and we don't think that women on the receiving end of it are less feminist, but we do think some of the rules of etiquette need to be revamped to reflect the shifts in gender roles. The misconception is that, deep down, all women want a bad boy. Untrue: We just don't want someone who kisses our asses or behaves like a doormat. But that doesn't mean that manners should be thrown out the window. We know it seems like we want it both ways: equality and courtesy. But why must the two be mutually exclusive? Besides, shouldn't there be a few trade offs, or benefits, for the crap we have to put up with as women? We've come up with an updated list of rules of the new chivalry for the modern man…and woman.

1.) Give her your seat. Not because she's a woman, but because her shoes hurt more than yours. Like really a lot more.

2.) Get in the cab first. This is something that men just don't get. They try to be polite and open the cab door for a woman to get in, and then the woman has to slide over—usually in a skirt—holding her bag, and it's all awkward and shit, and she kinda slides off the seat of her coat and then the back of her coat is like shifted and kinda next to her, and then there's all his readjusting that needs to happen. Just get in the cab first, ferchristsakes.

3.) Pick up the check. We'll pretend to offer and you'll pretend the offer was real. We honestly don't mind putting our pride to the side when it comes to this.

4.) Wipe the cum off her first before you wipe it off yourself. There's seriously nothing ruder than blowing a big wad all over a girl and then cleaning off your dick first before you go get her a towel or some tissues. Extra points for not getting any cum in her hair.

5.) Offer to do everything for her when her nails are wet. It sucks when a woman pays good money to get a manicure and then she has to get something out of her purse when her nails are still tacky. Help her out by lighting her cigarette, opening her can of soda, or wiping after she pees.

Related: Is Chivalry Dead? [NBC News]

Strictly Dickly

Tracie — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 15:40:00 EDT

"Researchers from the Cancer Council of Victoria found that men who masturbated more than five times each week were one-third less likely to develop the cancer." Ooh, good for them! Jerk offs. [Fox News]

Crooked Cocks Are Diseased But Delightful

Tracie — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:00:00 EDT

Unlike Tai in Clueless, some of us actually like when dicks have some curve to them. Kinda along the lines of those adjustable Swiffer dusters, bent dicks can reach and rub up on spots that straight, unyielding dicks just can't. But recently, (after posting the image to the left, of a chocolate penis made from a mold of a real one) we were made aware of a condition known as Peyronie's disease, a disorder of the connective tissue in a ween, and it turns out that dick curvature is only "normal" up to a certain degree. The image provided by Wikipedia does not look all that bendy to us. So does that mean that the bones we've been boning are...diseased!?!?

I think I've definitely encountered a Peyronie peen here and there. (BTW, how awesome is the name? It sounds like a brand of Italian sausage or something.) [Or beer. -Ed.] Honestly I'm not bothered by it in the least, although some of the shit that comes up on a Google image search (link NSFW) is a little unsettling. Some of them look like stubbed out, half-smoked cigarettes. But I'll tell you what does kinda piss me off. Why is that when men have a problem with their genitalia — something actually classified as a disease — that affects aesthetics, we're supposed to just accept it? But when women have varying appearance in labia — something that is actually quite normal — jokes and grimaces are made and operations to "correct" the problem are invented?

Earlier: Pimp My Vadge
Sexual Chocolate: Testing The Clone-A-Willy Kit

5 Other Things You Didn't Know About Your Penis

Tracie — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 15:40:00 EDT

There's piece over on CBS News, via WebMD, that claims to tell men five things they didn't know about their penises. The info provided is basically useless old news (Your Penis Does Have a Mind of Its Own, Your Penis May Be a 'Grower' or a 'Show-er'). The problem? It was written by a man. The only way men are gonna learn something they don't know about their own peens is if they get a completely fresh perspective from someone who's had a lot of face time with dicks—me!

No. 1: It Can Make Chicks Fat
You know how you settle down with a girl and you start a family and then you fall into a routine which quickly turns into a rut, and you suddenly realize that you carry some resentment toward your wife for allowing herself to gain so much weight since your wedding day? Guess what. Your dick did that. When it impregnated her, and thus fucked with her metabolism and energy levels looking after the children you shot out of your balls and into her womb.

No. 2: It Smells Bad When You Don't Clean It
Yeah, it seems like really obvious info, except for the fact that most dudes seem to be utterly clueless on this one. Maybe only gay men and straight women are able to get their noses close enough to that area to be truly offended by the must.

No. 3: It Doesn't Want To Go In My Butt Without Permission
Your penis is a gentleman. The guy attached to it should be one as well. You need to knock first before you enter the back door. Your penis prefers it that way.

No. 4: It Doesn't Mind A Helping Hand
Your penis loves hands. You should know that more than anyone. But what you don't seem to understand is that while your peen might like to be touched, it also likes when your hands pitch in as a group effort on getting a job done. So when you're boning a girl, your penis would appreciate it if you also rubbed her clit with your fingers.

No. 5: It Will Still Stay Hard If You Keep The Condom On
I love raw dogging as much as the next girl, but there are times when you need to wrap it up (like if I don't know you from Adam). Don't pull that shit about how you can't cum with a condom on and worse yet, you can't stay hard, as though it's a threat like, "You better ride bareback or you're not getting fucked." Listen, your fussiness is your problem, not mine, and not your dick's. It's in your head. It's called conditioning. Try practicing jerking off while wearing a rubber.

Things You Didn't Know About Your Penis [CBS News]