Rainbow Brite, aka Wisp, fashion icon and color-protector, has been re-imagined by Hallmark and is apparently now a Manga character. As Hortense points out, she and the Color Kids now bear an uncanny resemblance to Sailor Moon, who also defends the cosmos, but is a teenager and has nothing to do with colors. In fairness, Brite's makeover is not as reprehensible as is Shortcake's, but she is definitely sleeker and taller and, well, prettier, whereas Rainbow Brite was always cute.


Let's face it, even by 80's vaguely-galactic-pastel-cartoon standards, Rainbow Brite was slightly cockamamie: the plot, involving as it did the Colorless World, the Sphere of Light, the Color Belt, the Color Kids, the Sprites, Color Crystals, Color Caves and the Star Sprinkles, was basically incomprehensible, Kosinksi for the Romper Room set. And her look - which echoed the snowsuits of the times - was pure Reagan-era. They've already resuscitated newly-gaunt care bears and My Little Ponies; do we really need another wrong-headed sop to the Nostalgia Mart?

And here's what's always confusing: if it's all about playing into parental nostlgia - why are they turning everything into Bratz? Back in the day, little kids and cuddly animals could change the world as easily as a glamorous Jem. Nowadays, anyone under 5'10" need not apply, apparently; I'm braced for a modernist Sylvanian Family housed in Frank Gehry. And for that matter, if they want scrawny and big-headed, why not just bring back Rose Petal and friends? They were before their time.


The only toy with guaranteed immunity? Cupcake Dolls.


That is, unless she's rendered fat-free.


Rainbow Brite [Hallmark]
New Rainbow Brite [MyLittlePony]

A remote-controlled zombie with a brain-shaped remote makes quite the stocking stuffer.

So many winners on this page, but the golden fertility idol pen holder and the Lost Ark bank are the ones that really caught my eye. The legless Short Round statue is terrifying, and the Delorean is cool, but not super useful.

Ooh — sure to be a hot toy come Christmastime! They made the doll of Tiana from The Princess And The Frog super pretty. The plush frogs are cute too, and there must be someone you know who's dying for a Slimer bank?

Attention Twihards! You can choose from THREE different kinds of Sparkle Vamp. There's the Byronic effete version; the über-pale Barbie version and the "very detailed" sick of Hollywood bullshit model. ZOMGSPARKLEVAMP4EVA! Question: Where is my Buff Werewolf? Team Jacob has been robbed.

In case you didn't believe that Robert Pattinson's glare had been recreated: Believe.

Prefer wizards to sparkle vamps? Draco Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange dolls should satisfy you.

Ben Linus bobblehead: Creeptastic!

Remember when Strawberry Shortcake got a makeover? This is what she looks like now. Shed a tear for your destroyed childhood.

Can we just pretend we didn't see the pages of busty Anime girls with removable clothing? No? Dammit.

When I say I need an R2D2 USB hub, I mean now.

Question: Is the Heidi Klum Barbie supposed to look like Heidi Klum? Because it doesn't. (The legs. So thin. I cry.)

Question: If you purchase a zombie oil painting, have you made an intelligent art-buying decision? As in, the kind that takes BRAINS?

Question: Can you believe that there is a Twilight flash drive — complete with Cullen family crest — and it's actually pretty cool? (ZOMG WHAT AM I SAYING? I HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED BY THE SPARKLE VAMP)

Question: May I please have life-size versions of the Jonathan Adler Barbie dress — AND LAMP — for my wardrobe and bedroom?

Earlier: Entertainment Earth: Weird Gifts For The Freaks & Geeks On Your List

• Strawberry Shortcake: The Fall Of Orange Blossom
• Plot: Orange Blossom, once a dear friend of Strawberry Shortcake, moves in with the Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak and changes her name to Citrus Frost. All hell breaks loose when she tries to freeze her former fruit-friends into oblivion. Will Strawberry Shortcake save the day?
• Tag Line: "Orange You Glad This Shortcake Can Kick Some Ass?"
• 
  
  
  
• Care Bears And The Stare Of Doom
• Plot: A stomach virus infects Care-A-Lot, causing the Care Bears to fall into a trance, and their patented Care Bear Stare into a weapon that Captain Coldheart aims to use to ruin everything. Only one Care Bear, Funshine Bear, avoids the plague. But does he care enough to stop the end of the world?
• Tag Line: "Get Ready To Care....Or Be Taken Care Of."
• 
  
  
  
• She-Ra, Princess Of Power
• Plot: No, seriously, make this movie. There already is a plot. Just don't cast Megan Fox. That is all.
• Tag Line: "For the Honor Of Grayskull!"
• 
  
  
  
• Rainbow Brite: Colors That Kill
• Plot: Murky Dismal has designed a device that will rid the world of color...and humanity. It's up to Rainbow Brite and her crew to stop the plan through many violent action sequences involving multi-colored lasers and catchphrases like, "He just blue you away!" And "you'll be seeing red after this!"
• Tag Line: "These Colors Don't Run...Motherfucker."
• 
  
  
  
• Get Along Gang: The Final Battle
• Plot: Shit gets real when the Get Along Gang finds itself in the middle of an all-out gang war in a post-apocalyptic world. Can they get along...and survive?
• Tagline "The Gang's All Here...To Kick Some Ass."
• 
  
  
  
• Jem And The Holograms: Showtime, Synergy
• Plot When Synergy is corrupted by a hacker hired by the Misfits, Jerrica Benson and her alter-ego, Jem, go on a crime spree that shocks the nation. Can the Holograms rewire their lead singer before its too late?
• Tag Line: "She's Truly Outrageous...And We're All Paying The Price."
• 
  
  
  
• Lady Lovely Locks: Locks And Loaded
• Plot: When the Russian government decides to take over the world using tiny microchips implanted in hair follicles, it's up to Lady Lovely Locks and the Pixietails to save the day, and the hairstyles of all.
• Tagline: "You're About To Get Locked."

Feel free to add your suggestions (including casting!) in the comments.

'Asteroids' Lands At Universal [Reuters]

Sure, change is good: Except when it comes to items for which you have a sentimental nostalgia. I refuse to acknowledge the new electronic banking edition of Monopoly, which comes without paper money and includes a cell phone and a flat-screen TV as game pieces. Give me a dog or a wheelbarrow, or else it's not really Monopoly! Candy Land used to have a Molasses Swamp, but kids today don't know what molasses is (and can't use a dictionary?) so it's now the Chocolate Swamp. Don't even get me started on Candy Land: The Movie.

Why are these toy changes so irksome? Is it because we think of precious, happy memories from childhood as sacred and holy? Is it because — in the case of the dolls — you're taking something perfect and plastic finding fault with it? Is it because the changes are (usually) for the worse? Is it because saying, "when i was a kid, My Little Pony had four flat feet, not poseable legs and an ice cream truck" makes you feel old?

Interview - Disney Princesses Toy Designer, Dora Grows up-Stops Exploring, Starts Shopping [Babble]
Earlier: Berry Disturbing Makeover for Strawberry Shortcake
Related: My Little Pony Land

Is the puzzle overtly sexual? No. But come the fuck on, people. Do we really need to model Strawberry Shortcake after Sex and the City? Is there no other cultural touchstone to base a product for elementary school girls on than Scary Sadshaws? Whatever happened to living in a cake made of strawberry? Yes, there are problems with the original, what with Strawberry Shortcake seeming to take much pleasure in sweeping her floors and doing her chores, but still, aren't there some things that are better left alone?

• We were shocked and appalled to discover that Strawberry Shortcake had been given a berry slutty makeover by her corporate overlords.
• As much as we love the Shortcake, she'd make a really dumb, potentially deal-breaking tattoo.
• This week was mad girly, yo: Omg Unicorns!
• Also, Panda Sex!
• Almost as embarrassing as catching two pandas in flagrante is witnessing two dudes in the throes of a passionate mancrush.

• It's almost as excruciating as this sad tale of star cross'd nursing home lovers.
• So, like Lauren Hutton did, massage your ladyparts with an award statuette and ride your own personal unicorn off into the sunset. It's Friday!

What I find bizarre about all this is the implicit assumption that kids can't relate to a character who's not exactly like themselves. Strawberry Shortcake wasn't popular twenty years ago because we all wore bloomers and lolled around in a berry patch; it was cute and fun and the dolls smelled good. This kind of formulaic thinking presupposes a narcissism that, ironically, agendas like these seem to create. More importantly, if they "downplay" Apple Dumplin' I will be seriously displeased.

Beloved Characters as Reimagined for the 21st Century [New York Times]