[Ischia, Italy; July 11. Image via INF]

• Oh, yikes. According to Stephanie Pratt her brand new sister-in-law, Heidi Montag wants "four boys, four Spencer Pratts!" Creepy flesh colored beard enthusiasts across the country are no doubt celebrating this slightly terrifying news. [USWeekly]

• There will be more on this in Midweek Madness, but this is bananas: Star says that Chris Brown proposed to Rihanna in Miami. Secret wedding?!?! [Star]

[London, February 24. Image via INF]

• A little too late, Britney Spears regrets allowing her misdemeanor charge for driving without a license to go to trial. Maybe because the jury started deliberating on Friday and Brit realized if found guilty, she faces a maximum of six months in jail. The $1,000 fine? Not that big of a deal. [MSNBC]
• The Spears jury is…

• Lindsay Lohan will appear on SIX EPISODES of Ugly Betty, including the season finale. LL will play an old classmate of Betty's who is down on her luck. Naomi Campbell, Christian Siriano, Victoria Beckham and now Lindsay? It's official: Ugly Betty is the new Love Boat. [TMZ]
  
• Oooh, Lindsay's mugshot is being used in a…

• Uh-oh... Tracie Rice, the woman who was in the car Lindsay Lohan chased at high speed right before her DUI arrest last July, claims she has spent upwards of $3,500 on therapy since the incident (and lost her job). Guess who she wants to pay for the shrink? Papers have been filed! [TMZ]
  
• Lindsay is also being sued by…

• American Idol finalist and sex-tape star Jessica Sierra, whom you may have last seen smoking naked in a bathtub, is pregnant. The father is a "rapper." Sierra remains in a Florida jail, though she is now in the infirmary on a "pregnancy diet." [TMZ]
  
• Hey, have you heard the rumor that the father of Jamie Lynn's baby is…

• Oprah's not a hairdresser, but she did chop about nine inches off of Hilary Swank's mane — which was then donated to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. The segment will air on Oprah's show Friday. Wonder if either of them read about how sometimes writing a check is better? [People]
  
• Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen: Still at…

• OMG. This is amazing. Sex-tape star Kim Kardashian was seen "making out" with Terrence Howard! And he was seen "rubbing her butt"! Does she know about the baby wipes??? [Page Six]
  
• Jennifer Lopez's mom told a Daily News reporter she didn't hear about Jennifer being pregnant. "You know more than I do. I don't talk to…

• The Eva Longoria nupti-news continues: Ryan Seacrest wept and everyone got huffy (heh) when Teri Hatcher showed up mugging for cameras in a dress tailored to look exactly like the bridesmaid dress. Um, if succeeding at undermining someone requires wearing a bridesmaid dress when you don't have to we would normally…

While we can accept that Maroon 5 is the Police of our generation — and fine, Dave Eggers is Mark Twain and whatever else — a gentle reader alerted us today to some brand fucking new Maroon 5 lyrics that would never have been written by Sting:

So dating blogger Alyssa Shelasky — catch up on how she dangled those participles all the way into our hearts here — finally comes clean about why shitty she dumped the product abusing jam band listening "honest" "innocent," "loving" banker she once called "The One" the Observer. (Pictured above, drowning his sorrows…