The bride is the daughter of the deceased actress Marcheline Bertrand and actor Jon Voigt. The bridegroom is the son of Jane Etta, a high school counselor, and William Alvin Pitt, owner-operator of a trucking company. He attended the University of Missouri-Columbia with a concentration in journalism. [Star]

Lynne Spears, what were you thinking? Or not thinking and not doing? Did you never sit down with either of your daughters—Britney, now just turned 26, and the divorced mother of two toddlers or Jamie Lynn, 16 and now three months pregnant—and give them The Talk?

And what kind of mother upon hearing the news that her 16-year-old daughter is knocked up, reacts by picking up the phone and negotiating to get her daughter's photo plastered on the cover of a magazine with a tell-all interview by the daughter and herself inside?

Is Lynne Spears An Even Worse Mother Than Britney? [Huffington Post]
Related: Dad "Devastated" By Jamie Lynn's Pregnancy [US]
Lynne Spears' Parenting Book [US]

All the perks of stardom and $100 million in the bank can do nothing to diminish the fact that he'll be the man in the middle between Angelina Jolie and his mom, Jane Pitt, at the dinner table this Thursday. And if you believe some of the reports — and I do — there is no love lost between these two ladies, to say the least.

According to our sources at Star magazine, Brad is the one who is insisting that his better half, their four kids and their entourage private-jet into his hometown of Springfield, Missouri to break bread with his parents and the rest of his family. And Angie can't be thrilled about it.

I'm sure Angelina got quite the earful from Brad's mom after she confessed to British Cosmopolitan that she took a wild trip to Disneyland while high on LSD. "I've done just about every drug possible. Coke, heroin, ecstasy, everything," Angelina admitted to the mag. Clearly, she wasn't thinking about how her words were going to play back in Missouri when she gave the interview.

Then again, think of it from Jane Pitt's perspective. How do she and her husband Bill, perfectly normal non-Hollywood people, explain that kind of confession to their hometown friends? How do they deal with a "daughter-in-law" who's also admitted that she used to like to cut herself, wear the blood of her last husband around her neck and boasted publicly about the unbelievable sex life she had with that last husband? It would be a wonder if Jane didn't have agita.

And boyyyyy, would our holiday time dinner conversations be fun then!

Home For Thanksgiving! [Huffington Post]

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, the Wednesday refresher course in all the week's most important news we provide you free of charge so you don't fail the exam. In which we (and our trusty TA who does all the work) Intern Maria "read" the Wednesday celebrity tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Us Weekly

• Cover story: How Hilary Did It! (pages 48-51) More summer dieting tips from the stars! It's funny how many different ways magazine editors can reprint and repackage the simple idea of "eat less calories and exercise more." So anyway, Hilary Duff was fat? She also decides to take the high road when asked about Joel Madden's future baby with professional trainwreck Nicole Richie, saying he'll be a "great dad" (page 51). Aw!
• Precociously trainwrecky jailbird Jason Wahler will be making a few bloated appearances on The Hills this season. Oh we cannot wait!
• Victoria Beckham claims that she "can get a muffin" (page 14). Right, but what to do with it?
• Pamela Anderson looks back at her life in bikinis (pages 56-59) including two marriages in swimsuits! Pamela says that her marriage with Kid Rock seems "like it never even happened" (page 57). It's probably better that way.
• Some NASCAR guy and his wife spawned (pages 66-67).

Star

• Cover story: Nicole's Baby in Danger! (pages 48-51) Nicole Richie might have problems with her unborn baby's health because her body is pumped full of booze and muscle relaxants. Oh no! The mag quotes Nicole on Letterman as saying "I'm scared" with regards to mommydom rather than the actual context, her possible jail time. Is it Romenesko-y of us to catch them on that? Also: Joel Madden goes to seedy Thai "massage" parlors in Studio City (he likes his ladies a little bit syphilised these days!!) then redeems himself for all of that — plus breaking Hilary Duff's heart plus any unprosecuted murders he may have committed — by telling Spencer Pratt he's going to kick his ass (page 51). Swoon.
• What's this! A missing page! Ah, the Lohan Lesbo Love story Moe is in heat over right now.
• The mag cautions Drew Barrymore on her new love with vomitous Zach Braff (he'll "hit on anything with two legs," you know). Also: Did you know he cheated on Mandy Moore? Page 18! Oh please do not spoil our illusions about Zach Braff, media!
• Rachel Ray is having problems with her "lawyer/rock musician" husband whose "dark side" manifests itself in a habit of paying women to spit and rub their feet on him.
• Best and Worst Plastic Surgery! (pages 54-65): An eleven-page spread on all the boob jobs, nose jobs, and "man surgery" (not what you think!) that the stars get! Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie win for "best nose job," Gwen Stefani's padded bra gets her added to alleged boob jobbers, and Donatella Versace tries to disguise her cocaine-abused nose with some horrible, horrible surgery. Also, 'Worst surgeries': Not for the delicate of stomach!

In Touch

• Cover story: Janet's Shocking Weight Gain! (pages 36-39) Janet's up-and-down weight is on an "up" at the moment. Apparently her fiancée Jermaine Dupri doesn't mind her with "some meat on her bones" and "doesn't stop her from eating" (page 39). Yeah, what an asshole.
  
• Page 14 sports a spread on old child stars all growed up and surprise! Most of them look gross and coked out (pages 14-15).
• EXCLUSIVE! Jessica Biel opens up to the weekly about her life with Justin. We kept searching for "as she told Marie Claire" or "in an upcoming interview in Vogue" or just some hint that she didn't actually have direct contact with anyone at In Touch, but ah no such evidence materialized. What a classy lady! (pages 40-41)
  
• A real estate investor and alkie named John Sundahl got the National Enquirer to pay him some money for claiming that he slept with Britney Spears and all her friends can say is "well, it sounds like something she would do.." (page 54)

Life & Style

• Cover story: Depressed Angie Refuses to Eat! (Pages 26-29.) Angelina probably isn't anorexic, she is just too depressed by her terrible life to eat. She might also be "too thin" to have another Brad baby, though every time she refreshes TMZ to check up on Nicole Richie she feels a distant glimmer of that thing they call "hope."
  
• Scrambling for a sidebar, Life & Style claims that Britney has some "chemistry" with her bodyguard who even "accompanied" her to an event (page 31). You think he maybe he "accompanies" her places because he's her hired muscle?
  
• Nicole Richie had some spotting and thought she was going to lose her baby but it was just a false alarm (page 37). We bet it's the first time in a few years she had blood on her panties! Which kinda makes you wonder: When you're a pillhead who probably spends more time puking than menstruating, how do you know if you're pregnant at all? Did the Angel Gabriel have to come down and break the news? It's just, er, fishy.
• Life & Style runs some more "candid" shots of their besties Spencer and Heidi Montag frolicking on the beach (page 20) for what has to be the forty-ninth straight week. But! L&S is the only weekly not to print anything about Joel Madden's blow-up at Spencer, probably because, you know, their journalistic standards demand they find at least four corroborating eyewitnesses to run with that sort of thing. HAH.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, our weekly binge on the sort of celebrity content we usually try so fastidiously to avoid every other day of the week. In which we "read" the Wednesday tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Us Weekly ("100% Paris Free!")
•Cover story: "Hollywood Baby Album!" Us clearly put a Herculean effort into coming up with Paris substitutes this week, starting with this eleven-page spread on Hollywood babies — the very definition of "filler topic"! A semi-creepy "My Life So Far!" sidebar on baby Suri (page 45) is written in Suri's imagined first-person voice.
•Although week's "hot story" for all of the magazines was Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake's romantic Scandinavian getaway (pages 30-31). Us isn't as dick-sucky towards Timberlake as the rest of the tabs — early to the backlash, wethinks? — noting that he "turns women into Debbie Downers" and that he threw a tantrum in Sweden when some fans asked him to pose for pictures with them.
•Us also sports a preview of an upcoming interview with Nicole Richie in Nylon (page 56), which is a more refined twist on the "exclusive about an exclusive" feature. Nylon — unlike Atlanta Peach and Genre two magazines whose "exclusives" are reported "exclusively" this week by Page Six — is a magazine we have actually heard of.
•More filler! "Us Investigates" probes deep into the minds of 100 women at Rockefeller Center as to whether they would "rather date Prince Harry or Prince William" (66% said William!); "Have Michael Lohan or Joe Simpson as your dad?" (78% said Simpson, because making inappropriate comments about his daughter's tits is a lot classier than securities fraud!); and "Share custody with David Hasselhoff or K-Fed?" (63% said K-Fed). (Pages 58-61.)
•In more substantive content (not!) Us brings in the big guns of Hulk Hogan to declare "winners" in celebrity feuds (pages 62-63). [SPOILER ALERT: Tom Cruise beats Germany, Samantha Ronson beats Candy Spelling and Elizabeth Hasselbeck beats Rosie on grounds of "Rosie isn't a true friend."] A "bonus section" features LeAnn Rimes' "Hot-Weather Hairstyles" (pages 64-65), which, in our opinion, beats Paris news any fucking day of the week!

Star
•Cover Story: "Hollywood Baby Secrets!" (pages 48-55). More baby filler stories, which include the following huge secrets: Britney might not be the most mature mom (page 50) and Angelina lets Shiloh suck on a diamond-encrusted pacifier (page 52), because nothing says "I Am Africa" like a pacifier mined by child slaves!
•Meanwhile, on page 47, Star reports on more details of Timberlake's tantrum in Sweden, which involved the tossing of water bottles ping-pong balls and spitting on fans who had gathered below his hotel room. Jessica Biel reportedly "watched in horror" but she's still gonna stick with the asshole because this is pretty much the only thing her career is riding on right now.
•In its strangest story Star reports on an AIDS-related, health-coverage scandal in Florida we'd never heard about (page 38). It is, according to an "insider" at the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, "the kind of stuff that has Hollywood up in arms." Too bad it, uh, doesn't! The story quotes nary a celebrity, celebrity representative, celebrity flak or Hollywood "insider" professing "outrage" over the scandal, which basically amounts to Florida Governor Charlie Crist awarding a health care contract to a for-profit health care firm.

In Touch
•Cover Story: "World Exclusive! Inside Tom and Kate's Marriage!" (pages 36-39). Could Kate [That's better -Ed.] and Tom actually be living normal and happy lives together? Could Suri's cuteness factor be the reason that the celeb weeklies have decided to flip their opinion on the couple? Or did the editors at In Touch decide to suck it up already and try Scientology? Also, what's up with Katie's [Here we go again. -Ed.] new haircut? It's pretty, right? But isn't it weird when ladies get their hair cut suddenly after having babies?
•Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie's rivalry is back because they're both promoting products at the same time! This could only mean that they are still at each other's throats about Brad Pitt! (Pages 40-43.)
•Shar Jackson gives In Touch an exclusive denying her pregnancy rumors (pages 26-27). Can someone explain to us how this can be "exclusive" when Shar already filed a lawsuit against Star denying the selfsame pregnancy, and lawsuits are public documents, so it's like "exclusively" between her and ALL OF AMERICA? Must be that video of Shar "taking the test" at intouchweekly.com! Wow. It's really hard to make Britney Spears seem classy, but Shar really excels at it.
•Speaking of classy, In Touch documents stars' boobs from smallest to largest (pages 72-73) by guesstimating their sizes with the aid of some dude from The Swan and a random gynecologist. Bonus! Includes the famously creepy quote from Joe Simpson on his daughter's massive sweater puppies!

Life & Style
•Cover Story: "Angie vs. Brad's Family: It's War!" (Pages 28-31). Uh, in case you glossed over the news reported for the past three weeks in the celeb weeklies, Life & Style is here to spell it out for you: Brad Pitt's mom likes his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston! A lot! They hung out recently! At Jen's house! We'd feel like we'd read this same Angie-is-jealous-of-Jen story fifteen times now save for the new sidebar of, "Meanwhile, Jen's Dating" (page 31).
•Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were photographed nekkid in a hot tub in Mexico, where they went to escape all the media attention from those Lindsay knifeplay photos. (page 24-27). (Question: Why is "knife play" a phrase that just sort of rolls off our keyboards now? Is this even a real thing?) So we guess this means Nick forgave her, right? We can just sort of see him saying, all cheesy-like and whispery: "Next time some sexy photos of you wind up on the internets, baby, it's going to be pulling MY clothes off, got it?" Ugh. Puke.
•Ashlee Simpson spent a reported eight-hours at a salon (pages 52-53), which is controversial because she shouldn't neglect her very promising career in... whatever the hell it is she does!
•Lastly, it looks like the ombudsman over Life & Style is still upholding the validity of Spencer Pratt as a news subject. Who knows, you know: People made fun of the Washington Post for pursuing that two-bit burglary for so long; maybe The Hills is their Watergate! At any rate, Spencer's silicone-stuffed girlfriend Heidi Montag pops up on page 64 (get it? "pops up"?), while Spencer-nemesis and Teen Vogue cover-girl Lauren Conrad is dissed as a "Style Slipup" (page 81) by the likes of Road Rules "star" Theo Von. Ouch!

Welcome to Midweek Madness, wherein we ruminate on how celebrities are just like us, in that we hate them commensurately to the degree we hate ourselves. In which we "read" the Wednesday tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Star
Star catches on to the whole Ellen Barkin is an asshole thing we've been crowing about ever since the actress talked all that crap about how Scarlett Johansson was going to look shitty when she got older. Now, apparently, Ellen is dissing her Ocean's 13 co-star Matt Damon for being "no Pacino". Sorry to say, but Ellen Barkin is too fucking old for this shit. The magazine also carries an "exclusive preview" (page 12) of a photo shoot a pre-hab Lindsay Lohan did for Los Angeles Confidential Magazine, which we guess is a real thing even though the photos are, like, about as flattering as those puke shots. Speaking of puking, the magazine says that Ashlee Simpson is never sober enough for anyone to know whether she's fucking or puking in the bathroom of Pete Wentz's bar Angels & Kings (page 18). Speaking of the underworked and overcompensated, the magazine takes us on a trip down memory lane with a feature on how shitty it is to live in the presence of such people. To wit: Lindsay Lohan tried to flood Harry Morton's apartment after their breakup, Lenny Kravitz somehow caused a $350,000 toilet overflow at his NYC pad and Puff Daddy pissed off Rosie O'Donnell by playing with fireworks (page 62). The magazine also follows up on its groundbreaking reporting of an unprotected sex session between Kevin Federline and Shar Jackson (page 47). Uh, what is Shar Jackson known for again? Just being one of those talentless fertile people sent by Satan to Hollywood to procreate with the stars and make for more complicated legal battles? Oh wait, no, that's K-Fed. Ugh.

US
The magazine that intern Maria calls the "New York Times of celebrity weeklies" gets the writing award for this opening paragraph: "Like two prizefighters meeting for a championship match, Britney Spears and her estranged mother, Lynne, arrived separately to the June 10 birthday party of 4-year-old Gavin Nassif". Oh yes, a veritable Rumble in the Jungle, that fourth birthday party! Apparently Lynne Spears is not as bad a mom as one would assume given, well, Lindsay Lohan? There are also pictures of Britney's elusive baby son Jayden — which we think is a really classy name — and a picture of Britney's sister Jamie Lynn eating ice cream with a boyfriend wearing a baseball cap and an Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt (page 50). Tell me why they're famous again? Oh yeah, like us. The magazine also runs a pic of British singer/trainwreck Amy Winehouse sans "war paint." She's cute in a drama class sort of way. And US photo-editors plunk an image of Jennifer Aniston's face onto the body of Angelina Jolie in A Mighty Heart. Again, not for nothing do they call it "the New York Times of celebrity weeklies"! (Page 65).

InTouch
This week's issue asks whether Angelina Jolie is pregnant again, purely on the basis of the fact that last month, Angelina said she wanted to have another biological child. We would say the same thing we would say about Nicole Richie — you gotta ovulate to get pregnant! — except that Angie seems to be the "instant gratification" type, who when she wants to do something, doesn't fuck around. Oh and of course, the word of all those body language experts InTouch editors brought in to attest to Angelina's renewed affection for Brad Pitt? Always soooooooooo convincing. (Page 36).

Life & Style
Not much here! The magazine reveals that Paris Hilton suffers from "claustrophobia," for those of us who haven't heard of TMZ (page 31). We kind of resent having to look through this magazine. In fact, wait, we kind of resent our lives!

In Touch
Life & Style
Us Weekly
Star Magazine

According to Star
-Jennifer Aniston is writing a tell-all book about herself, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie. Advance: $5 million. Source: "literary expert".
-In the hypothetical book Jennifer will address her crush on David Schwimmer, how Lisa Kudrow is the"consummate professional," and, of course, "Brad, Brad, Brad."

-Writing about Brad, Brad, Brad "would be cathartic," says Jen's "pal," which is a word we've heard applied to another famous scorned woman memoir, Nora Ephron's Heartburn.

This, of course, brings us to The New York Observer, which runs two book reviews of Carl Bernstein's new tell-all about Hillary Clinton; reviews written by (happily!) married couple Ana Marie Cox and Chris Lehmann. According to Ana and Chris:
-The book includes information on Bill, Monica, and the 79 other women he bedded.
-Hillary wore a prom dress that apparently reflected her "developing perfectionism."
-The Clintons apparently "have some kind of partnership," which we'd like to note is also a term often used to describe a certain other globe-trotting, "It Takes A Village"-loving couple.

Anyway, we'll just say that the Observer pieces are not as interesting as a more straightforward Washington Post review we read on the Clinton book. So, to make our post a little more exciting [Too late! -Ed.], we called in an intern to figure out whether all this was preordained by the stars, as Hillary Clinton, by virtue of Methodist beliefs that are really not much different from astrology, believes. And after running some complex algorithms given the following star-sign information:

Carl-Aquarius
Nora -Taurus
Bill-Leo
Hillary-Scorpio
Jen-Aquarius
Angelina-Gemini
Gennifer Flowers-Aquarius
Monica-Leo

... we determined the secret hidden message of today's Midweek Madness: No one is paying close enough attention to their horoscopes! In fact, the only remotely compatible couple in this whole bunch is Bill and Angelina. Midweek Madness eagerly awaits!

Hell Hath No Fury [NY Observer]
Related: Books Paint Critical Portraits Of Clinton [Washington Post]

Welcome to Midweek Madness, our Wednesday roundup of the antics of the rich and rehabulous. In which we "read" the celebrity tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Star
-Does something to Kate Hudson's "worst" bikini stomach that makes it look like Moses is parting seas down there or something.
-Devotes a colossal, Atlantic-esque amount of text to Jessica Biel-Justin Timberlake romance. (She "laughs at all his jokes" and "gets him to slow down and smell the roses" and "calms him down" and really likes the diamond earrings he bought her. God she sounds riveting!)
-Runs something about Jamie Lynn Spears being caught in the middle between older sister Britney and the totally batshit mother who thinks she should go back to rehab.

Life & Style
-Runs a picture of Tyra Banks that is so old it doesn't qualify for life insurance.
-Features a preposterously unflattering picture of Beyonce on page 20, juxtaposed with a feature on "jeans for every body type!" Sadists!

In Touch Weekly
-Reports that Britney Spears' behavior at L.A. club Les Deux "was erratic" and that the singer would "alternate from staring into space to dancing around" while talking with Ryan Phillippe, who does not, apparently, particularly want to bang her.
-Extends Angelina "maybe I'll have more kids through my vagina" story for the nineteenth week in a row, wonders if the 24-inch waist means she's too skinny to make a zygote, to which we say: Skinnier chicks give birth in the Third World everyday! Check out her kids' biological moms! It's just all part of Angie's plans to make all the Jolie-Pitts feel like citizens of the same global village. Before you know it Brad will be, like, five inches shorter!

This Week's Winner: US. (If only because of its superior prose).

It goes without saying that we try to defend Jessica Simpson in all she does and wears so you knew we were going to take issue with Star magazine's decision to run these side-by-side shots of her now and back in slightly svelter (a word? who cares!) days, especially since you know how we believe on principle that it's just really mean-spirited and toxic to make fun of celebrities who cannot lose weight despite VIP access to cocaine, Rachel Zoe, and all those veterinary drugs that give you the metabolism of a horse. But seriously, guys! We just took some pictures of intern Maria, who has anorexia AND a tapeworm, at the same "after" angle in the above "after" picture of Jessica and we had to get into some crazy, like, tantric Cosmo position to do it! Have you tabloids lost all sense of decency and/or propriety? Any girl looks hippy when shot from the angle of a dirty floor!

Like all Wednesday tabs, InTouch gets 'put to bed', so to speak, on Monday night, after which point they really can't make up any more news. So we were surprised — heartened, maybe? — to see that in the event of an Unspeakable Tragedy, the staff of InTouch will stay at the office all hours to fabricate news about totally unfamous people. In a People-esque move, InTouch fronts the Virginia Tech killing spree (which happened Monday morning), names the killer (happened Tuesday), and explains that his real motive was to kill the new boyfriend of his old girlfriend (note to self: Google this) The four-page spread, which sports the usual timeline, sad pictures, etc., is not the detail-rich, 29-byline salute you can expect in Thursday's People, but on the other hand, it's faster, cheaper, and, according to a story in today's Women's Wear Daily informed with exclusive quotes from an inside source — the features editor's brother works at Virginia Tech.

By comparison, cover stories by in Star and Life & Style about Brangelina seem kind of ... meh, with Star spicing up its Angelina-is-too-independent-blah-blah conventional-wisdom with a "Worldwide Exclusive" that Shiloh may have been a mistake— the psychic root of the infamous "blob" comment exposed! — and L&S portraying a change in the power dynamic between the couple since an April 6 fight during which Brad told Angie she wasn't the woman he fell in love with. Interestingly, Angelina is not reported to have cried during the fight — though there were "tears in her eyes." A breakthrough?

Meanwhile US fronts the breakup of Prince William and Kate Middleton, which was apparently the result of some sort of snooty aristocratic Diana-motivated conspiracy against the poor middle-upper-class lass and lots of other British shit we don't care about. But US makes up for it with their divine interview with Hills lovebirds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who are so vapid they may actually be really deep:

Pratt: I have never been so madly in love as I am with Heidi. She has the world's greatest boyfriend!

And that's it for our first look. More Midweek Madness to come!

We're deadpanning it today, because we're horribly sick and after a few days of obsessing over the makeout session between Scarlett and that guy from Van Wilder who used to be engaged to Alanis Morissette, we think it's asking a lot for the celeb weeklies to expect us to get excited about Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, Jessica Simpson and John Mayer and fucking Sanjaya. After the jump, our analysis.

Life & Style comes late to the Angelina hate-a-thon with the foursome's most brazen cover line, and the week's only substantive coverage of Brangelina's possibly faltering union.
Brad Asks: Why don't you love Shiloh?

Reese and Jake front InTouch and US Weekly, with US painting an overall more sanguine picture of the alleged affair, suggesting Jake is "finally, a man who'll treat her right" while InTouch passes it off as a "Revenge Romance" meant to bait Ryan Philippe. It is generally agreed that Reese "Little Miss Type A" Witherspoon likes to get what she wants, and what she wants is apparently Jake Gyllenhaal, although the closest anyone has to actual evidence of this is their flirtatious conduct on the set of the movie Rendition.

All four magazines give at least two-page play to photos of a bra-less Jessica Simpson making out with John Mayer in Tallow Beach, Australia, but the four magazines cannot agree on whether the beach stroll was actually a honeymoon or even what the word "honeymoon" means, with Life & Style the only mag with the balls to suggest an actual "wedding" transpired between the two and Star calling the trip a "secret honeymoon" while at the same time suggesting that Mayer actually used the honeymoon to propose to Jessica, which would technically negate the honeymoonery of the trip. US and InTouch, meanwhile, refer to the trip as a "seaside romance" and "true happiness," respectively.

For the second week in a row, Star gets the award for most intriguing cover, namely because the lead story, "Britney's Head-To-Toe Plastic Surgery" takes place primarily in the future tense, asserting that while the extent of Britney Spears' body transformation has thus far been limited to a few injections of LipoDissolve — more on that later! — her surgery plans involve exactly $130,000 worth of nose jobs, tummy tucks, boob lifts, etc. etc. etc. The goal of this hypothetical surgery, according to the magazine, is to win back and/or stoke the jealousy of exes Justin Timberlake and/or Kevin Federline, and an accompanying sidebar suggests that the efforts may not be entirely in vain, at least with the latter, whose ex-wife Shar Jackson's surgery was detailed in last week's tabloid and who this week, according to Star, had unprotected sex with Federline.

US Weekly
Life & Style Weekly
InTouch Weekly
Star Magazine

Just after noon on March 25, Paula Abdul and a guy who looked a lot like beau Tony Schiena "were carrying on so much I thought they should get a room," says an eyewitness who spotted the duo. "She was rubbing his chest and kissing him," and whispering so loudly that"people were moving away from then because they were so much of a distraction." what's even more shocking is where this make-out episode took place: inside St. Cyril of Jerusalem Roman Catholic Church in Encino, Calif., during High Mass!

Later on, Paula gives new meaning to the term "High Mass" (Ed: If this is actually a term. We are Catholic, and we just called it "mass") by passing out in the arms of her South African beau, sleeping for awhile, then waking up, mid-sex dream we can only imagine, and stumbling out of church. Weirdest fact: it was the second time the pair has been spotted groping in the church. Freaks.
Also, this week's Star:

• Quotes Linds: "My motto is: Live Every Day to its fullest — in moderation!" (Just because she is not large doesn't mean she can't contain multitudes, folks!)
  
• Reports from the frontlines of Brangelina day care facility, where Angie is — surprise, surprise — not the other overprivileged kiddies' fave play date mom, thanks to her supposed decrees that other parents (and their two year olds, we can only presume) not "look" at Angelina or anyway, bring cameraphones. In the same package, an intriguing sidebar asks: "Is Maddox Mad At Pax?" We can think of a lot of demeaning jobs, but writing 300 words about whether a five-year-old stranger is jealous of a three-year-old stranger is, um, up there.

Meanwhile in other magazines:

Life & Style:

• profiles Howie Day, the supposed "beau" Brit met at Promises, is profiled in a piece headed 'Britney falls for another Bad-Boy Musician' — uh... like Jason Alexander? Howie has some sort of police record and allegedly had a hit single in 2005. Yawn. That goes for the rest of the magazine. But it's only $1.99!

US:

• Puts Tori Spelling and puny Spelling spawn on cover. Now there's a newsstand winner. The (fawning, but duh) story is penned by NYT Sunday Styles scribe Monica Corcoran, and it uses the word "frenetic" in the lede.
  
• Boycotts Brangelina — almost, relegating news (Of The World news, so it's sort of like "hearsay", but yeah, whatever) of a fourth "race balancing" Pitt Jolie adoption from Chad to a page 53 "Hot Stuff" item. That'll show em!
  
• Asks the question "So how did Spears transform herself so quickly?" Uh, transform? Apparently, 50% of readers think Britney has "bounced back."
  
• To be sure paragraph: Brit annoyed the fuck out of her partners in rehab.

InTouch:

• Reports Angelina has been losing weight and feeling "asexual," and restless, according to a "friend," by which we mean "frenemy," who also does a good job selling us on the idea that Angie is a bad mom: "She wants to be able to take off when she wants, where she wants, but she can't."
  
• Pronounces "Jen's Hotter Than Angie!" in a sidebar that further suggests that "it appears that she and her ex-husband's partner, Angelina Jolie, have switched places." (Mannn, the Brangelina beat writer ennui is practically beaming off the nine-point serif font of this story.)

US Weekly is the biggest newsstand tantalizer this week with the hed "Her Twisted Double Life" — her being Angelina — and promising to analyze
-her broken promise to be a stay-at-home mom
-Secret fights with Brad over Pax's adoption
-How she uses her kids to manipulate the media.
(Our boldface, natch!)

The effect of which is sort of a bonerkiller to Life & Style Weekly's promise to reveal details of Brangelina's death threats. Yawn. Slightly more interesting, if you care about Katie Holmes (not really) or Scientology (totes!) Star and InTouch both front stoned-looking pix of K, with InTouch sporting a typically horrid couple shot and detecting another hirsute bun in her oven, Star promising to reveal details of what happened when Tom uncovered Katie's secret plan to leave him.

We are delighted to see she has an arguably even cuter little sister called Monica, who's starring in a movie called The Inquiry, out on April 6.

We're just not quite sure we love the dresses they wore to the movie's premiere in LA last night:

Oddly shapeless, the pair of them. Makes them both look kind of giant somehow, too. Not as in fat, more as in attack of the 50-foot woman.

Also, Penelope's dress is exactly the kind of thing that celebs wear when they're pregnant and don't want anyone to know about it, which is very tiresome when it results in weeks and weeks and weeks of Star Magazine screaming that they're having a baby, only to stop when it's clear they'd have to be an elephant to be pregnant that long. Just ask Demi Moore.

Who's fat, who's feuding and who caught what from Paris Hilton this week, after the jump with our celebrity weekly round-up.

Well, as we mentioned earlier, Jen Aniston caught just about everyone on the hop, so we'll have to do with an awful lot of crap about Britney and Paris instead.

* There must be much gnashing of teeth over at Star Magazine today, as they came agonisingly close to getting a great cover, which would have smashed in the teeth of all their rivals. Close, but sadly no cigar. Plumping for the world's most blurry ugly picture of Angelina Jolie, clutching a baby, the mag screams 'WHY ANGELINA HAS THIS BABY!'. Now we celeb mag readers may be thick, but we're not that thick. Seeing as how Angelina is in full make-up/costume for her role as Marianne Perle, who had a baby after her husband Daniel was horribly murdered, we can actually guess that she has the baby because she's making a flim about someone who has a baby. Not too much of a strech, that one.
Meanwhile, nestling forlornly in a corner of the cover is 'MY SEXY NIGHT WITH VINCE!', which is actually a juicy little story about some girl who indulged in extended foreplay, possibly oral, we're not sure, with Vince Vaughn while he was filming on location and still OFFICALLY dating poor Jen. It's a bitch when Missed Opportunity ups and smacks you round the head, eh guys? Elsewhere Star attempts to have Britney and Justin back together, which as we recall they've done about fifty times before and still no-one believes them. It's like Demi Moore's eternal pregnancy. Sandra Bullock (yawn) is also allegedly pregnant, and in a world exclusive, Johnny Depp used to look like a nerd. All in all, Star's the best out there this week, but that's not saying much.

* In Touch has the holy trifecta of Britney, Lindsay and Nicole and asks the question 'DRUGS! ARE THE ALLEGATIONS TRUE?'. We'll save you the trouble of wading through the waffle and reveal the conclusions: Nicole - pills - NO! Britney - antidepressants - PROBABLY! Lindsay - every fucking drug you can think of and then some - PROBABLY! MIssing the Jen Aniston split just like everyone else, In Touch tries to lure you within its pages by telling you how Aniston and Jen Garner lost lots of weight. We can reveal the exclusive details: DIET AND EXCERCISE. We are dazzled by their scoop. Also 'inside Eva and Tony's wedding'. Not.

* Us Weekly leads with 'SAVING BRITNEY' which promises interventions, custody battles and scandalous photos. It's the same stuff you'll find in all the other celeb weeklies this week, except there's more of it. In other news Adrianne Curry got a boob job and that girl from the OC who wasn't Mischa Barton split from that other guy who was on the OC. Whatever.

* OK! continues it's dazzling run of non-stories containing no detail, with 'BRITNEY EXCLUSIVE MY CRY FOR HELP!', in which 'friends' say she's heading for a breakdown. Well, if by friends you mean the third cousin of the guy who used to carpool with the sisister of the man who briefly dated Britney's back-up dancer three years ago, then hey, this is a scoop. In their frenzied desperation, they spin a 57-word paragraph about Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban having lunch into a cover line 'NICOLE'S SEXY DATE WITH KEITH', which is about the saddest thing we've ever seen in our media career. And guess what? Pam Anderson was seen with her ex Tommy Lee. And Angelina is planning her marriage to Brad Pitt, in Africa. Yeah. Sure. Someone put this magazine out of its misery.

* Life&Style canned their editor-in-chief last week, and we're not terribly sure we can tell the difference this week. It promises all the juicy Brangelina wedding details and embarks on a round of speculation worthy of OK! only longer. It tries to get a bitchfight going by alleging Angelina wants to get married on the beach in Malibu - maybe, like outside Jen's house would be nice - but we're not falling for that. Elsewhere Britney is in crisis (really? Who knew!), Nick is still putting his naughty bits in Vanessa (and a couple of porn stars on the side, probably) and Eva and Tony are engaged and still no-one gives a fuck.

* The National Enquirer says that Britney fucked Mario Lopez, Brad and Jen are 'back in love', and Lindsay pops Oxycontin. All entirely believable. Yup.

We salute you Jennifer Aniston - you truly know how to fuck with the celebrity weeklies!

Lest we forget, this is the woman who carefully engineered a bunch of beachside 'loving' photos with then hubby Brad Pitt AFTER the pair had decided to divorce, waited for all the celebrity weeklies to come out with cover stories on their romantic reunion and then announced the split the day most of them hit newstands across the country. Remember "It's Baby Time!" from that paragon of truth, Star Magazine? Delicious.

Well she's done it again. Okay, it's lower key this time, so don't expect Janice Min to describe the breakup as 'our tsunami', but by letting the news slip late on a Tuesday night, she wrongfoots ALL the weekly celeb mags, who close their pages on Monday. Except People Magazine, who can be expected to have the break-up on their cover with all the sycophantic greasiness you'd expect from them. Expect major catch-up next week.

Bravo! Current score: Jen Aniston: 2 Celebrity weeklies: 0

Amazingly, now that OK! has learned to look and sound just like all the other kids in the playground, it appears to be gaining popularity, hitting the 500,000 mark at last.

And all it had to do was drastically cut its page size, drastically cut its price - from £3.29 to $1.99 - and drastically tell the same tall stories as all the other celeb weeklies - JEN TO BE A MOM!

But with Star's circulation figures allegedly dipping into the low 590,000s, who knows? Maybe it was worth it.