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Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
Women On Silda Wall: "I'd Have Paraded In Front Of A Microphone With A Knife"

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The Queen of No
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
My younger sister married her boyfriend of 1 month, 2 months ago. He broke his parole (robbery) by breaking into someone's house and burgling them. He didn't tell my sister and he put the loot into her car. They got pulled over and he went to jail. She now is refusing to leave the house and refusing to even keep friends around who aren't all for her "standing by" him. I feel like the only reason she is sticking by him is because she doesn't want to "fail" at this really capricious undertaking of marrying someone she barely knows, especially because everyone already thought she was doing something insane. I feel like the more bad shit he does, the more she will stand by him. I asked her how she felt about him deceiving her and putting her into a really shitty position, her response was "lol he knows he fucked up." VERBATIM. Sigh.
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thepinkone
05/01/09

@The Queen of No: But that is so big a part of it. So many call it "standing by your man", when it is really about trying to figure out your/her own ability to know when to trust and/or what is right. In this case, for your sister to cut off a guy the rest of us see as a clear waste of air, she as to admit how ad a judge of character/situation she as been. In my experience, this is the real dilemma. We all want to support the woman, while we realize what a shit her spouse/boyfriend/abuser is, but she still cannot separate him from herself.

Look at it this way - she bet on this horse, and no matter how badly he's losing, she has to lose more by admitting her own bad choice in choosing him.

Just be there for her, in spite of this bad choice. Deep in her her heart, she most likely knows she chose badly. BUT for whatever reason, she needs time to move away from her bad choice, then she will also need time to cut herself off from it entirely. Just knowing you are there for her, on the other side, means more to her than she will be able to express to you until she has finally been able to make this break.

Believe me, this is the was it will go. So long as you are strong for here on the other side, it will matter, even if she cannot tell you that now.
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The Queen of No
05/01/09

@thepinkone: You're totally right. I refuse to tell her what to do or insult him to her. I met him and I actually liked him, I don't think he is a bad person, but I just wish and hope she will eventually realize there is a difference between sticking by your man and being a doormat.
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Maulleigh
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
Cuz he probably wasn't a psychopath with her! I mean, if my boyfriend/dad/best friend were charged with murder I wouldn't believe it either!
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taranwanderer
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
Loss aversion = "facing a huge loss-the end of her dreams, symbolized by her canceled summer wedding plans." ????

Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck you, Newsweek. I say this as someone who's engagement ended three months before her wedding (rather like Megan, but for incredibly different reasons). I was severely fucked up afterward because yes, my dreams were SHATTERED. Not my "wedding day dreams," my LIFE dreams. Assholes. When you plan to get married to someone, you plan your LIFE together, not just one fucking day. She's not upset over one fucking day.

/rant
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la.donna.pietra
05/01/09

@taranwanderer: But the florist! And the caterer! And the tuxedo rentals! All of those are so essential to life as we know it!

(Sorry; in the process of planning a wedding right now and frequently shaking my head at the banality of a lot of it.)
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thepinkone
05/01/09

@la.donna.pietra: Real-life black humor then. You'd be better off eloping...
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la.donna.pietra
05/01/09

@thepinkone: Well, parts of it are fun. Parts of it are not. There are far worse things to be doing than planning a wedding, however.
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HillGirl
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
Well, for starters he hasn't exactly been convicted of anything yet. There is nothing wrong with believing that someone you love would be innocent. I would completely stand by the people in my life at least through out the trial.
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TheGuvnah
05/01/09

@HillGirl is overworked: even if all the evidence pointed to his guilt?
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J.D.Regent
05/01/09

@HillGirl is overworked: @TheGuvnah: I feel like if it was my brother, son, or even friend I would stand by him. A husband or father of my kids would also be a tough call. But a fiancee -- that's a voluntary association. You can break that shit up and not look back.
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thepinkone
05/01/09

@J.D.Regent: But what if, in your heart, you still thought he was incapable of such a thing? Wouldn't it take you longer than a few weeks to cut him off? I mean, just because you already married him or bred with him doesn't automatically indicate whether or not he is more than likely to have committed a crime. It just indicates that you went through a ceremony first of became pregnant by him earlier. This woman's commitment to this man was already very similar to a spouses or a co-parent's. The only difference was really only a few more month's police work. Otherwise, there is no difference.
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TurtleWexlerKickedMe
05/01/09

@thepinkone: wow - are you this girl's best friend or something?
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J.D.Regent
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
However, it was pretty dumb of her to send those emails out to press and especially to refer to him as "beautiful inside and out." That's just asking for mocking.
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thepinkone
05/01/09

@J.D.Regent: Not if she really meant it it wasn't asking for mocking.

Think about it. Everyone here - if someone came to you tonight & said, "The love of your life, your life partner, has been arrested for killing several sex workers with whom he set up meetings on Craig's list & this is all about to be made public," How many of you would immediately say, "Oh, hell yes, that guy did it and I'm not about to defend him in public."???

Please! If you loved your partner and had trust, your first response would be to defend!
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J.D.Regent
05/01/09

@thepinkone: I would defend him till the day is done and honestly knowing me I would probably like quit my job to work on his defense or something. But I would NOT have emailed the press and I would not use a phrase like "beautiful inside and out" because while I may be a cop-hating criminal lover, I am not stupid. Just tactically speaking here. I would have gotten a lawyer and probably hired a private investigator right away and not said shit to the press, and defended him all day long to my friends and family.
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thepinkone
05/01/09

@J.D.Regent: But that is *you* and you are obviously much more media savvy than this girl. She probably had no clue as to the implications of her first response. She was in shock. She did what so many in love "good" girls would do. I totally agree that your response is much more clever, but that doesn't mean hers is any less honest for being what it was.
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J.D.Regent
05/01/09

@thepinkone: I know! I'm not dogging her morally, I'm just saying it was a dumb move! Trying to lighten things up a little. I totally understand where she is coming from.
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Maggita
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
If she didn't stand by him Newsweek would be illustrating how unfaithful women are and it's that X chromosome screwing with our tiny lady brains. Followed by quick tips on how to make sure your lady sticks by you (unwanted groping, everybody!).
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Bunsen Honeydew
05/01/09

@Maggita: How true.
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Flackette Goes Retro
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men

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missteenwordpower
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
Honestly, the evidence of my experience of a relationship over the course of several years probably WOULD take precedence over accusations occurring over the course of a few weeks, at least for a time. Why is that so unreasonable? It would take a LOT of work to make me believe that my boyfriend had committed murders I had heretofore considered him incapable of, and of course I would stand by him during what I would believe to be a horrible, painful, and unnecessary ordeal.

Or do we think she actually knew about the murdering and chose to stand by him anyway? Because I've seen no evidence of that.
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J.D.Regent
05/01/09

@missteenwordpower is your sexy Ms. Magoo.: this is another good point. Does everyone trust police so much that the second someone is arrested you assume their guilt? It took several days for all the info to come out; it is totally reasonable to "stand by your man"/friend/family member until the truth is made clear to YOU. I don't trust the police's word on what strangers do; I'm sure as hell not going to accept that they know more about my loved ones than I do -- not at first anyway.
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Flackette Goes Retro
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
And did she really stick by him for "so long"? This thing has only been out in the air for a week or two. It takes a while to realize everything you know about a person may not be true.
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Slumdog_Mamabear
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
When I was a Jr. in high school my (seemingly) sweet, kind, older boyfriend was convicted of mail fraud. He didn't hurt anyone physically. I found out later he was also cheating on me. Even when faced with really damning evidence I "stood by my man" for a number of weeks. It takes a while to come to grips with finding out that the person you love, doesn't exist. This young woman is in a position a thousand times worse than I was. She, in a way, is mourning a death. The man she fell in love with has ceased to exist. First stage: Denial.
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Jello Mix
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
Excuse me. There is a desk over here that is dying to meet my forehead.
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happysquid
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
Now i have this stuck in my head ...

She has great hair
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Ipomoea
05/01/09

@happysquid: I'm at work so I can't watch, but please tell me that's Tammy Wynette. It's in my head, too.
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happysquid
05/01/09

@Ipomoea: Yup.

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman...
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Sputnik_Sweetheart
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
Or maybe she is love with him and that is something that is hard to turn on and off? I agree that the emails she sent accusing the police of misconduct were not appropriate, but she does not deserve to be dissected and treated as a case study. She is not the one on trial. Leave her alone and let her heal in peace.
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greengrey
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
Can't part of it be that we're told by society/the media that there's nothing more important than having a man in our lives? If a woman buys into the idea that she's nothing if she's single, doesn't it make sense that she'd stay with a crazy guy? I mean, better a crazy man than NO man!

Maybe the media ought to stop telling women that getting married is the most important thing ever? Might be easier to not feel like you have to "stand by your man" if you know that's not your only option.

Although, I do feel if she left him right when the media started on this she would have been attacked. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
05/01/09

@greengrey: THAT.

You win.
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Shamrockette
05/01/09

In reply to Newsweek "Explains" Why Women Stand By Their Men
Sorry, but when someone is madly in love with somebody else, many have a tendency to forgo common sense and naysayers of their relationship and many will stick by that person, even if they've committed murder, abused them or whatever else happened.

Also, when you're so close to getting married to your love and then they're arrested for say, embezzlement, you're in denial that it's true, so you stick with them.

Love doesn't always mean you'll use common sense every time, so stop judging her for staying with him for that time.
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