• Today in pointless clothing lines of the stars: Miley Cyrus and Max Azria's Wal-Mart collection! The digs look well worth every penny of their sub-$20 price point. [Lucky]
• Now, even the Kings of Leon has one. [Blackbook]

• Lady Gaga wants in on the action. On starting a clothing line, she told Flare magazine, "At some point, I will. Right now, I'm more concerned with using my fame to promote young designers such as Gary Card, an artist who designed a piece I used on stage." Why would she do such a thing? "There hasn't been a commercial artist lately that has embodied avant-garde and couture so insistently as myself." [ONTD]
• Gaga has one new position to console herself with: M.A.C. Viva Glam AIDS fund face. Cyndi Lauper will co-star in the campaign to sell lipstick and raise money for research. [WWD]
• The British Fashion Council and British Vogue are launching a fashion prize to encourage young talent, somewhat along the lines of the American Vogue/CFDA Fashion Fund awards, which kicked off in 2003. £200,000 will be awarded to one UK designer who can demonstrate he or she has international stockists, a media profile, and demonstrated need of the money. [Telegraph]
• Angelina Jolie and Shiloh are apparently fans of Stella McCartney's line for GapKids. [Radaronline]
• That Christian Louboutin made his first public appearance in Washington, D.C., under Obama's watch is no coincidence. "For eight years I was invited, but I never wanted to come before. I never wanted to come with Bush," says the shoe designer. "I'm looking forward to coming back  at least for four years." We really want to make a crack about voting with your feet here. [WaPo]
• Roberto Cavalli: "All over the world people don't treat me like a fashion designer; they treat me like a rock star… I can't walk down 5th Avenue without being treated like a rock star. In fact, maybe it's more… Many times I've walked down 5th Avenue with rock stars and nobody pays attention to them. It's very strange." [FWD]
• Gisele Bundchen passed the written exam portion of her pilot's license. Although heavily pregnant, and "Almost too big to fly," according to her instructor, she's still making supervised practice flights up to three days a week. [People]
• Karolina Kurkova has given birth to a baby boy. [People]
• Kelly Osborne: Fan of Spanx. [People]
• Christian Siriano says his new reality TV show will reflect the best of several recent high-profile fashion documentaries. "It's very like The September Issue, very Valentino [The Last Emperor]. We want it to be as cool and as real as possible." Apparently, September Issue director R.J. Cutler wouldn't touch the project, but he did advise Siriano "just to be real." [The Cut]
• Sadie Frost's clothing line with Jemima French, FrostFrench, is opening its second store in London's Soho. [WWD]
• A real ad man of the 1960s has some bones to pick with Mad Men's treatment of the brand London Fog. So an employee of an industry that manufactures fictions objects to a fictional show's fictionalizing history? We shake our heads at the irony. [AdAge]
• JC Penney is being sued for trademark infringement by the retailer New York & Company. New York & Company says Penney's new "NYC Style" slogan is too close to its "NY Style" advertising tag line. [WWD]
• Can Sir Philip Green conquer America? [Bloomberg]
• Polo Ralph Lauren reported a 10% rise in second-quarter profits. [TS]
• Bata shoes was, before Communism, an international brand headquartered in Slovakia. The company town isn't doing so hot right now, with the economic transition and the competition from Asia. [BussinessWeek]
• Liz Claiborne may have had seven consecutive quarterly losses, with the announcement of an eight expected next week, but C.E.O. Bill McCombs doesn't have to worry about one thing: his job security. McCombs recently had his contract renewed for another three years. It's not an unusual strategy: only 38 companies in the S&P 500 have replaced their C.E.O.'s in the year to September 30, down 10 on the same period last year, despite the trying economic times. [WSJ]
• Not so lucky is Missoni's general manager, Massimo Gasparini. He has been let go and his position will not be filled. [WWD]

Though I honestly don't know anyone who is going to (intentionally) wear Spanx as outerwear, unless they're dressing as an Ace bandage for Halloween, I wouldn't be surprised if I saw someone walking down the street working a support garment as if it were the hottest thing on Earth. That's the nature of trends, really; some people find them ridiculous, and others embrace and celebrate them.

I have a tendency to panic when reading trend reports; I go worst case scenario and imagine stores filled with only "sexy" band-aid pants and the shorts-over-tights ensembles that I already rocked pretty hard in 1994, and I begin to slip into fashion Grinch mode, calling everything "stupid" and "ugly" and "annoying," as if that's going to stop Suzy McModel from wearing—and looking adorable in—a pair of plaid shorts and a shirt with four boats and a clump of bird feathers stuck to the front of it.

This season has already sent me into a panic: my initial reaction when reading Moore's piece, which predicts the return of "dress-up denim" and "Lycra bike shorts everywhere," was the reaction I typically get when reading fashion pieces or seeing fashion shows: "I don't get it." But the truth is that there are many, many people who do "get it," and who love it, so for those of us horrified and irritated by the trends (and those of us who don't feel like "reliving" the 80s for the 900th time, good lord), it's just a matter of trying to find the silver lining in a dark, Lycra spandex storm cloud.

Yes, it'll be harder to find certain things once the trends take over, but at the same time, the point of fashion is to take something and make it your own, and, I've been told, to find your own style and stick with it. The best part about trends, as overwhelming as they may be, is that they serve merely as an inspiration to create your own unique look; ruffles are in, sheer is in, stripes are in, shorts are in, and yes, Spanx are in, and though the magazines and the runways and the stores will present one way of wearing these things, in the end, as always, it's up to you to decide what really makes it from the runway to your closet.

What Might Make It From The Runways To The Store Racks [LA Times]

1.) Behind the Music: Bobby Brown



Despite the fact that Whitney's comeback album and big interview on Oprah is what's renewed the public's interest in Bobby Brown, none of that was mentioned. In fact, when he did speak of Whitney, he wasn't exactly diplomatic.

They were both fucked up during that marriage. After getting addicted to cocaine and heroin, Bobby says that he doesn't remember an entire five-year block of time.

2.) Seth MacFarlane dropped the F-bomb live on E!'s Emmys red carpet show.
And the censors were too slow on the uptake to bleep it.

3.) Michael Jackson's illegitimate sister's first-ever TV interview
Joh'Vonnie Jackson, 31, is Joe Jackson's lovechild who was evidently always known about and even invited to a family reunion at Neverland.

4.) In other fucked-up showbiz family news
While on Oprah on Wednesday, Mackenzie Phillips thought this anecdote about Mick Jagger would lighten the mood set by her incest bombshell, but the audience was too freaked out.

5.) Synergy of #3 and #4
The Insider presents Mack and Mike, together, singing a song about addiction…to junk food.

6.) Lara Spencer's spot gets blown up.

7.) Language arts with The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Alternate way of saying "tardy for the party":

Alternate way of saying "STFU":

Alternate way of saying "vagina":

8.) Wendy Williams sucks at American history.

9.) Khloe Kardashian ponders one of life's big questions.

10.) Senior citizens in a strip club
A strip club in Florida offers senior citizens free flu shots and a buffet lunch.

Free food, meds and tits? This guy is probably wondering if he died already, 'cause he's in heaven.

• Marc Jacobs and his Brazilian fiancé, Lorenzo Martone, are set to marry next month in Provincetown. Also, Jacobs is taking the artists John Currin and Rachel Feinstein, plus Madonna, to the Met ball. [FWD]

• But Jesus Luz won't be in his fall Louis Vuitton campaign. "Why is everyone asking me about him? He's not modeling for me. I don't do menswear," said the designer. He did say, however, that Madonna and Steven Meisel are shooting the campaign right now, right here in New York. "She's the ultimate professional and she and Steven are amazing. I love working with her. There's no one better." [The Cut]
• Steven Alan, on this one time he opened a barbershop: "My mom was getting her haircut at this hairdresser's in the East Village, and the lady told her she was interested in opening her own salon, so my mom goes, 'Oh you should talk to my son!' And I'm like, 'Mom, I'm not opening a hair salon.' And she goes, well you should meet her anyway. So I met her and I was like, 'If I open anything it's going to be a barber shop,' and she was like, 'Ok, I can cut guys' hair.'" [Fashionista]
• Lanvin's Alber Elbaz  who seemed talented, fretful and difficult in Ariel Levy's recent New Yorker profile  is questioned by Stephanie Seymour in the new issue of Interview. "We really started from scratch eight years ago at Lanvin. It's the oldest couture house in the world, but when I came onboard, it was a great name without much in it. We slowly moved in. I love coffee, but I always say not everything has to be instant. We took the time. It took eight years to move from 15 accounts to 400 accounts. What's important is to maintain it as a family business. It's very much like Interview, which you don't talk about as a group-it's a family. The nature of fashion is family. You see that at almost every house-it was owned first by a family. It wasn't owned by a bank. In fact, the bankers went into fashion later...And look what happened to fashion!" [Interview]
• Alexander Wang, last year's Vogue CFDA fashion fund award-winner, is teaming up with the Gap. And unlike in previous years, where the CFDA designers re-imagined the retailer's white shirt  with mixed results  Wang has done something that sounds kind of exciting. Says Gap designer Patrick Robinson: "This year it's with khaki. He did this incredible motorcycle jacket in khaki that's going to be under $100. It's coming out on June 16th, so get ready!" [Fashionologie]
• Thinker of deep thoughts Michael Kors wishes there were some kind of Spanx for men. It exists, Michael! [The Cut]
• All that lobbying from the First Lady's favorite designers must have worked: a bipartisan group of lawmakers in the House has reintroduced a modified version of the design piracy bill. [WWD]
• The ever-humble Isaac Mizrahi: "I just love women in dresses. Last night I was at an event at the Pier [in New York] and everyone looked just ugh ... except those wearing my clothes." [Philadelphia Inquirer]
• Soon, there will be Jessica Simpson lingerie. And sleepwear. Fantastic. [WWD]
• And Paris Hilton is doing sunglasses. [PopDirt]
• Anne Hathaway may not be doing the next Marc Jacobs campaign  but she looks good in her new ad for Lancôme perfume. [E! Online]
• WSJ. took Hilary Rhoda to Miami to shoot swimsuits, and shot this nifty behind-the-scenes video. No amount of overdubbed music can hide the fact that modeling is generally about making odd positions look natural. [WSJ]
• This list of the top 20 fashion Twitterers covers all the bases, but all you really need to know is: Fake. Karl. [Times of London]
• In a similar vein, Rachel Roy held a press conference via Twitter. She answered such hard-hitting lines of inquiry as, "Rachel, you absolutely glow! How do you stay confident through tough times?" Oh, the vaunted democracy of the Internet. [WWD]
• Revlon is launching a new mascara, and adding two items to its ColorStay product range. [WWD]
• Henri Bendel, the department store founded in 1895, is no longer going to sell clothes. The retailer will shrink its New York flagship by one floor, and concentrate only on selling accessories, beauty products, and gift items that leverage its brand and signature colors. Eight percent of its 250-strong workforce will be laid off. [NY Times]
• Timberland's profits declined 12% in the first quarter of this year. [WWD]
• Breaking: Tiffany & Co. has bought the bankrupt Lambertson Truex handbag brand from Samsonite. [WWD]
• Abercrombie & Fitch, meanwhile, is in its second round of layoffs this year. After making fifty workers at its Columbus, Ohio, headquarters in January, the company is letting go an addition 170 this week. [The Street]
• Joe's Jeans actually rose slightly in its sales and earnings for the first quarter. [WWD]
• The Gap is recalling 22,000 toggle coats for babies, up to size 24 months. The toggles can come off, and pose a choking risk. [Babble]

• Naomi Campbell stalked the runway like a thoroughbred in Mumbai for a charity show. Last time Campbell blended fashion and philanthropy, the supermodel raised over $1 million for Hurricane Katrina survivors. [Daily Mail]

• Mikhail Gorbachev is not enough for some people. The rapacious machine of Louis Vuitton's advertising, which most people don't realize actually sucks its subjects' dignity through the lens of Annie Liebovitz's Canon, has claimed more victims: Buzz Aldrin, Sally Ride, and fellow astronaut Jim Lovell. That's right: men and women who could withstand the g-forces of extraterrestrial flight could not say 'no' to LVMH. [WWD]
• British Vogue editor Alexandra Shulman says her biggest concern about taking the position back in 1992 was that it would involve a lot of flying. "I hadn't been on a plane in 10 years," she said at an event in England. "How could I accept a job that would mean that I had to fly all the time? I'm still very nervous on a plane." [Vogue UK]
• More bad news for Halston: the oft-revived label, left semi-conscious as of late following the firing of its latest creative director, Marco Zanini, is now down one vice-president of marketing. Atul Pathak resigned two weeks ago, just after the Paris shows. [WWD]
• Los Angeles fashion week happened recently. Don't feel too badly if you missed it: the LA Times itself called proceedings "more than an exercise in futility." [LA Times]
• Vera Wang's Lavender line is in trouble. Hitting the high end of the price range for a contemporary line is causing some grief, and Saks has dropped it. Neiman Marcus will carry Vera Wang Lavender in only ten stores this season, and drop it for fall. Wang says she's mulling over lowering the pricing, or spinning it off into a license. [WWD]
• Lanvin's London flagship store is now open. I suppose that means Alber Elbaz's long contretemps with the architects, related by Ariel Levy in her recent New Yorker profile of the designer, was happily resolved. [FWD]
• Kira Plastinina's still got stores a-plenty, too. (Albeit not in the US, where her eponymous pink-themed clothing chain went bust less than a year after her entry into the market.) As soon as she finishes high school in Moscow this spring, the fruit juice heiress intends to take a step that most designers tackle before launching international retail chains  going to fashion school. Since Kira Plastinina rather strikes one as the kind of person whose life is the sustained experience of getting what she wants, without regard for talent or even passion, she's expecting acceptance at Parsons in New York and Central St. Martins in London, the Yale and Oxford of fashion design, respectively. [FWD]
• Fiona Ellis, who scouts models for the London agency Independent, thinks Tyra's shorties-only season of America's Next Top Model is dumb. The woman who found Alek Wek and Erin O'Connor, among many others, would know. [Vogue UK]
• Net profits at Versace fell 30.7% in 2008, but it was largely due to the softening of the Euro against the Dollar. Without the hard shift in the rate of exchange, their profits would have grown by 10%. [WWD]
• "Heavy black lines and crisp, grid-like patterns created an Op Art effect in Dries Van Noten's spring collection," says the LA Times. Which is why you should...wear a plaid shirt from Express. [LA Times]
• The top 10 new models of the Fall/Winter 09 show season: 90% white, 10% Japanese, 50% not actually "new." [Style.com]
• Do. Not. Want. Spanx clothing. No, just...no. [Glamour]
• Christian Siriano has picked up one hell of a stockist for his line: Saks Fifth Avenue. The department store will sell his fall collection in a new store-within-a-store for emerging talents. [WWD]
• Iekeliene Stange, the quirky Dutch supermodel/photographer, has an exhibition opening in London this Wednesday, following a successful show in Berlin. [The Horse Hospital]

Blakely said her company has been making prototypes in "about three categories" of apparel for "up to two years," but other than that she didn't reveal much about what these products may be or when they'll come out. "I'm very inspired to make certain articles of clothing that I won't disclose, that are in the works right now, with certain elements of Spanx hidden in them that will be fabulous," she said. [Glamour]

The shirts, which cost £50 each, promise to "create a leaner, smoother silhouette" and improve posture. Will men unaccustomed to sacrificing comfort for fashion actually submit to male Spanx? [The Daily Express]

• Valentino ex-chairman Matteo Marzotti has bought the house of Vionnet. Madeleine Vionnet invented the bias cut in 1922, making John Galliano's life immeasurably easier. Let's hope this revival is more Balenciaga and less Halston. [WWD]

• Wow, guys! A Hollywood entertainer likes Obama. No way was Justin Timberlake voting for that other guy. [WWD]
• New York Times fashion critic Cathy Horyn, who has her history with Armani, invited the designer to be a fashion week guest writer on her blog. ("He will go down in history as the man who taught Hollywood how to dress" seems like a weak introduction in light of their troubled relationship, but however these two want to air-kiss and make up is their business, I suppose.) So far, Armani is here to tell us that we Americans overcook our pasta, tolerate poor service in restaurants too frequently, and, when he went to a nightclub, "I noticed that the crowd was dressed in a rather basic way." [The Moment]
• Mais non! Carine Roitfeld says the rumor she's starting a teen French Vogue is false. [The Cut]
• L'Oreal's profits for 2008 fell 26.6% on the previous year's, or some $2.87 billion. [WWD]
• Perhaps not coincidentally, the company  formerly one of the biggest Academy Award advertisers  isn't running a single spot during this year's ceremony. [NY Post]
• Laura Ashley company founder Bernard Ashley died at age 82. He had a seat on the company board until 1998, but the Ashely family cut its ties with the business in 2001. [USA Today]
• The company announced yesterday that its profits for this year would fall by more than 50%, and shares fell 14%. [Financial Times]
• Lindsay Lohan has also heard about this thing called The Economy and she thinks it wants her to produce cut-rate leggings. Something which she, purveyor of doubleplusgood quality legwear, refuses to do! "I'm not going to compromise my line and what I do for girls to wear on their legs for what the price is and what's going on in the economy," she said at a fashion week party. Soldier on, you pretty, pretty girl. [The Cut]
• Oh, isn't that considerate. Spanx would like everyone to know everything about its super-special relationship with Kate Winslet. Including the kind of underwear she had on for the Golden Globes. [WWD]
• Heidi Klum stars as fashion superhero the Kluminator in a web series called Spiked Heel where she has to save global designer fashion from a gay man with a ray gun and an inexplicable hatred of fabulousness. Coco Rocha is also in it. I don't know what this is, but it's hilarious. [Modelinia]
• Tim Gunn would like a word with Meryl Streep. "The message she's sending is, I'm too smart for this and it doesn't matter to me what I'm wearing. I want to say to her that it should matter to you," says Gunn. Given Streep's curious red carpet habit of looking like your bachelorette aunt who lives in Berkeley and believes in the power of crystals, I'm with Tim on this one. [E! Online]
• Designer Maria Cornejo has some righteous barnstorming feminist caterwauling ire over sky-high heels. "It's boys dressing women. I'm sorry  they don't have to wear the fucking shoes. It's quite abusive. Because, you know what? We have to run around and walk, and nobody has a chauffeur waiting for them outside. And it really pisses me off and makes me really angry because it's that boys thing about making women into victims. You know, it's not nice." I completely agree, but for the fact that a lot of women designers  Cornejo excepted  also style their runway looks with giant heels. Cough Prada cough. [The Cut]
• The Gap is going to open some stores, operated by franchisees, in Israel. [WWD]
• Things aren't looking good for Marc Ecko. The company closed its showroom and warehouse on 20th St. and 6th Ave. earlier this month, and has just broken its lease on the three-storey commercial space that was to become its Times Square flagship. Ecko had been paying rent on the Times Square location for 4.5 years but never opened a store. [Racked]
• There can only be one Afghanistan's next top model! The central Asian country is going to do its own version of a competitive modeling TV show. Contestants include men and women, and the judges are a fitness expert, a film director, and a fashion designer. [Yahoo News]

• Before we tackle today's inevitable layoffs, liquidations and bankruptcies, look at David Beckham. Look at semi-naked David Beckham. In his very important new Emporio Armani ad. Why, good morning to you, Dave. [People]

• Unfortunately for Heidi Montag, clothing lines whose main qualification as same is the attachment of a famous name are not faring well in the downturn. (Please, let someone therefore piece it together that continuing to announce B-List Star for Major Middle Market Retailer arrangements isn't a recession-proof move.) [AdAge]
• Unfortunately, the news came too late to stop Hilary Duff for DKNY Jeans... [WWD]
• ...and to stop Jessica Alba from dipping her toe into the designer waters. [Fashionista]
• And Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen menswear. (OK, so The Row technically should get a pass for being, actually, kinda good, but it's the principle of the thing.) [Elle]
• But getting a celebrity to wear your dress on a red carpet is still worth a starlet's weight in gold. [WSJ]
• The recession will not, however, kill Spanx, which had sales volume of over $350 million last year. Because while the shitty economy is temporary, hating your body enough to want to squeeze and yank and pull it into a girdle is forever. [Reuters]
• The economic situation is making it tougher perhaps than ever for young designers who were in the midst of expanding in line with pre-recession demand and fanfare. [NY Times]
• Esprit has reported its first interim drop in profits in ten years. Sales are slow worldwide, and particularly so in Europe. [Financial Times]
• Estee Lauder's second-quarter profits are also down by 30%. The company will restructure 2,000 workers out of working existence. [The Street]
• Elizabeth Arden, however, beat analysts' expectations for the second quarter by 2 cents a share. Sales still fell 12.7% and net profit was down from $33.8 million one year ago to $17.4 million now. [Reuters]
• A handful more details about the Mathew Williamson line for Target: it launches on April 23, it will be colorful (which, frankly, if anything at all comes to mind when you think "Mathew Williamson" you already knew), and in addition to the regular frocks and tops, there'll be jumpsuits. Controversial move! [Blackbook]
• Kim Gordon discusses her line for Urban Outfitters, Mirror/Dash, with the New York Times, but although they hit stores on February 16, there's only one picture of the actual clothes. She's surprisingly realistic about Mirror/Dash's design process  she admits she doesn't actually sketch so much as talk about fabric and "ideas" with her partner before sending away to Urban Outfitters' sample houses. [The Moment]
• Never to be outdone by Vogue and its eyebrow-raising Sean Avery internship, Elle now has for an intern the fashlete (did I just make that up? I think I did. Let's go with it!) Stew Bradley, an actual Philadelphia Eagle. May he cherish the coffee-schlepping, xeroxing, and sexual harassment that are the hallmarks of any true New York media internship. [The Cut]
• Except, on his first day, Bradley went to lunch with Diana Ross, Diane von Furstenberg, Jessica Alba, Jason Wu, Anil Kapoor Veronica Webb, Eva Amurri, John Frey, Roberta Myers, Joe Zee, Anne Slowey, Whitney Port, and Olivia Palermo. At Diane von Furstenberg's studio. [WWD]
• Now, if she'd only worn her favorite label, Carhartt, on the campaign trail, Sarah Palin might have had a shot at the Brooklyn hipster vote! [US News]
• Janie Bryant, the costume designer for Mad Men, is crafting a contemporary, not vintage, clothing line. And that's about all she's willing to say just now. [WSJ]
• High-end Baltimore fabric store Michael's Fabrics says it has the lemongrass embroidered wool Isabel Toledo used to create Michelle Obama's inauguration day outfit. It's 33" wide and yours for a mere $500 a yard. Just in case you want to whip a dress up at home. [Unbeige]
• Isabel Toledo is still reeling from the media attention following dressing Michelle Obama. (Her husband, the fashion illustrator Ruben Toledo, calls it "Obamathon.") An exhibition of her dresses is going up at the museum at FIT in June. [WWD]
• Monique Lhuillier is introducing a new, more moderately priced line for fall. Given her regular dresses retail for $3,000-$7,000, "moderately priced" in this sentence means around $2,500. [WSJ]
• The Washington Post saw Jill Biden and her security detail nip into Bloomingdale's to buy some Tory Burch shoes. [Washington Post]
• UK Elle has Vivienne Westwood's handwritten "manifesto," and it includes such worthwhile tips as "DIY Suggestions: Necklace of safety pins" and the reminder "We need an estimated $30 billion per year to save the rainforest. $30,000,000,000,000,000,000,000etc-->" Also, she believes Leonard Peltier is innocent. [Elle]
• PETA Photoshopped a Pinocchio nose on to Giorgio Armani's face for a full-page ad in Variety after the scrappy perma-tanned Italian allegedly went back on his word after pledging to no longer use fur in his collections. Armani's people say they use only rabbit fur from animals raised for meat. [New York Daily News]
• Now, this should be fun: Lynda Carter, Valerie Bertinelli, Katie Couric, Natya Liukin, Jennie Garth, and Tori Spelling are among those modeling for a fashion week show dedicated to heart health. Designers include Christian Siriano, Carolina Herrera, and those guys at Badgley Mischka. [WWD]

Unlike Holmes, my mother's insistence that a lady wore stockings (and a broadening ass) led me to mega-control-top pantyhose. They were my gateway shaping drug and from there it was easy to slide into (or wriggle, cursing, into) the leg-less shaper garments woven of the same stocking-nylon, and from there into two larger shaping garments sold in a department store. It was another way to fool myself that I didn't have to buy new clothes to fit my expanding body, I could buy a couple of pairs of quasi-underwear and everything would be fine!

Yeah, I finally got off my ass and changed my diet and exercised and lost weight, and got rid of most of that crap last year, with the exception of a couple of only minor-shaping stocking things that I wear only when a thong would show (think: satin cocktail dress).

Recently, though, like Holmes, I had a new dress that I had to get into  I mean, it fit, but it was satin, and there was little room for error (some of my minor errors have been creeping back up on me the last couple of months). The problem was that, like many women, much of the night would be spent sitting. Holmes identifies two problems with this:

Watch out for the ones with waistbands that start at your ribcage - they will gradually roll down to your waist. Before you know it, you've got your very own Fern Britton gastric band. Your bottom half will slowly start bloating à la Violet Beauregarde, the gum-chewing human blueberry from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, except - and this is a key point - you're so tightly wrapped that there's nowhere for the gas to go.

This is, after all, the problem with the legless-stocking variety  the more it sucks in what it needs to suck in, the more likely it is to create a new bulge, or roll down in a fail of the epic variety. So, like Holmes, on the hunt I went.

What Holmes fails to describe is the humiliation of trying to squeeze yourself into one of these garments  there's pulling and then yanking, re-adjusting, more pulling. If I hadn't been trying them on in a store I would have been tempted to coat myself in baby powder first. Nonetheless, once you get one on, dress or no dress, you've got to contemplate yourself in a bodystocking in a mirror.

Eliminating bulges is control pants' raison d'être. This, then, is probably the most important question of the lot. First up is the worst offender: the Trinny and Susannah thong. My boyfriend's reaction sums up these exceptionally ugly pants nicely: "What have you done to your bottom? It looks like a shelf. Can I put my cup of tea on it?" Not exactly the desired response.

The Spanx and M&S pants go right up to your chest and a little way down your legs, so you're seamless and bulge-free along your entire mid-section (sort of like a sausage).

This was also my experience, as I can only imagine what would possess someone to try on a sucky-inny thong.

In the end, like Holmes, I came down on the side of Spanx  despite the fact that one pair cost nearly what my dress did  but, I'll admit, this purple jobbie from Gok Wan's lingerie line would have held some fascination for me, too. Like Bridget Jones before us, though, there is one pitfall to wearing these out with the kind of dress that might get you laid.

It's more than possible that you could find yourself in a bedroom scene while wearing control pants. I tested how quickly the different versions could be whipped off in the dark, with 'hilarious' results (if you find severe bruising funny). Pitfalls include the tangling of control pant and tights, resulting in futile tugging, hopping, and eventual collapse.

So, I guess there's a benefit to getting comfortable with your bulges after all  or at least not buying satin dresses when you think you need them.

Control Freak [The Guardian]

Earlier: To Hose, Or Not To Hose? That Is The Question

Merkin writes that though Spanx are all the rage, they only work "if you are already in possession of a body toned and buffed from hours in the gym." She notes that during the 19th century, virtually all free-born women in the United States wore corsets. These days? Merkin finds that the girdle is virtually obsolete. But she was in search of "real help," and "looking for body armor to shield… extra rolls from scrutiny." Eventually, she discovered (and fell in love with) a black lace number by Rago (which, incidentally, turns out to be the same manufacturer of the one from the retro dress site). But, she writes, "I would be less than honest, however, if I said that it restored me to my 20-year-old body."

Of course, that's the problem with girdles and bodyshapers  they force a woman's body to conform to some sort of ideal which may not be what nature has in mind. Flat stomachs are prized in our culture, but very seldom do women  especially as they age  naturally possess such figures. Imagine if rounded tummies were considered sexy instead? Would young women pad their bellies instead of padding their bras? Would clothing be cut generously in the middle instead? Why is it, that even though women are "liberated" from other conventions, when it comes to our bodies, we're still desperate to keep things under control? In a new interview, Sara Blakely, the creator of Spanx, claims her product makes women more confident. "I don't feel it's [about] not accepting your body; I love my body. I love clothes, I just don't want panty lines."

Belt Tightening [NY Times]
Sara Blakely: The Spanx Creator Talks About Control [Times Of London]

• Kate Moss's fifth collection for Topshop launches today. It's inspired by "travel." Oh, bite me. [Vogue UK]
  
• Spanx bras  to flatten your back fat, of course  in stores now! [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• You will be so proud of Eva Mendes! She overcame that whole nasty rehab debacle to be chosen as the face of Calvin Klein underwear. Yay Eva! And yay Calvin Klein for taking a chance on a star who is trying to overcome adversity. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Pussycat Dolls founder Robin Antin has extended her evil empire to include a lingerie line (entitled, sickeningly, "Pussycat Dolls...shhh") and a costume jewelry line. [WWD, 3rd item]
  
• Nicole Richie doing a maternity line? Why, God, why? [LATimes]

• Marc Jacobs and his histrionic boyfriend Jason Preston are fighting again. [Page Six]
• "I feel like Beyoncé is a very good image for what I do. She's the woman that I present. I adore women with curves," says designer Elie Saab. We remain skeptical. [Fashion Week Daily]
• I know I'll sleep better tonight knowing that Lord & Taylor has achieved its life-long dream of stocking Juicy Couture. [IHT]
• Also, knowing Victoria Beckham owns ten different Hermes Birkin bags, all in different colors. [Sunday Mirror]
• Evangeline Lilly is the face of Davidoff Cool Water Women. [WWD, 2nd item]
• Bindi Irwin's children's clothing line on sale everywhere... well, in Australia. [News.com.au]
• Paris Hilton: Inspiration to Indian fashion designers. [Reuters]
• Gap has once again commissioned supercool designers to design limited-edition white shirts for the chain. 3.1 Phillip Lim, Band of Outsiders, Michael Bastian, Philip Crangi and Threeasfour have all signed on for the project, sponsored by Vogue and the CFDA. It seems like only yesterday they were doing this for the very first time! I have only written approximately 3.1 x 10²⁹ words on this site since then. [WWD, sub req'd]
• No, light-up packaging scares me. [BellaSugar]
• Our favorite model-blogger Erin O'Connor is now preparing to make a documentary about the fashion industry. $10 says everyone comes off looking ethical and well-groomed. [Daily Mail]

• Despite toiling for so many years educating Americans on the merits of croc-skin bags on a certain premium cable TV show, Kim Cattrall says she has seen the PETA light: she's donating all the furs she wore in making the SATC movie to the animal rights organization so they can be donated to homeless people who no one will ever mistake for trendsetting style icons. There's just one flaw in that plan, and we think you might know what it is. [Page Six]
  
• Spanx is getting into the business of making bras. Shudder. [FabSugar]
  
• Gisele is the latest model to think she's a fashion designer. Ms. Bundchen's collection will be in stores in March 2008, but she didn't do it alone (surprise, surprise)  she's partnered with an obscure little duo known as Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana. [Vogue UK]
  
• Gucci will release a limited edition collection in honor of the Beijing Olympics. Wonder if anyone will follow up with a "Genocide Olympics" line? Yeah, probably not. [WWD, sub req'd]

• Why was Colin Farrell wearing Juicy Couture at the screening of his new film (directed by Woody Allen) the other night? "I got it for free. My personal style is quick." [Fashion Week Daily]
• French Vogue's Carine Roitfeld is being honored by amFAR this January for her philanthropic efforts to fight AIDS. We always knew she was a hooker with a heart of gold! [Fashion Week Daily]
• Pastel-colored condom compacts: Oy. [Sassybella]
• Leather jacket experts Belstaff: Costumed not only Steve McQueen way back when, but also Will Smith for I am Legend and Johnny Depp for Sweeney Todd. We will take an excuse to write about dreamy Johnny Depp. [Vogue UK]
• The latest pursuit by Donna Karan's holistic health care organization the Urban Zen Initiative: a celebrity DJ-created mix tape, natch. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Oh no! The writer's strike might mean celebs may not want to attend the big awards shows this winter like the Oscars and the Golden Globes? Which means that designers houses won't be able to tactfully loan out their garb to the pretty stars and get lots of free advertising? Well if that's not a reason to care now about the poor writers, we don't know what is. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Jade Jagger, Katharine Hamnett, the Scissor Sisters, Rihanna and Timbaland are amongst the celebs to join forces in creating yet another celeb-clothing-line-with-a-cause: Fashion Against AIDS. The line will be sold at H&M and 25% of the proceeds actually go to charity. [Vogue UK]
• Target: Sorta doesn't give a shit about Christmas this ear. No special decorations, no special merchandise. Bah Humbug. [WWD, sub req'd]

So I think in some skewed way, the girdle is a feminist statement, if only in so far as we are not dressing to please men, we are dressing, if not to please ourselves, at least to taunt one another. Your original, first-wave feminist did not dress for the easy access of promiscuous men. So arguably, that makes anyone dressing for zero-access a de facto feminist. But it just doesn't work, does it? True feminism is not about batting men off as irrelevant gnats in the greater endgame of competing with other women. It's about being able to make sexual choices on an equal footing with men, and if internecine rivalry surrounding body shape has become so feverish that we've forgotten that sex was ever even the point of it, then that's not feminism at all. That's craziness.

Oh, you say, but Spanx (or tight jeans, or whatever) make me feel good! Well, here's the conclusion Williams has reached: "In short, just because you're a woman, and something makes you feel good, that doesn't necessarily add up to feminism  like pretty much every ideological structure apart from hedonism, feminism is slightly harder work than that. And you have to consider, while we're here, whether it really does improve your sense of self-worth to be wearing something so tight that every waking moment is just another reminder of how inadequate you are... Now I feel like I've betrayed the sisterhood with my jeans, my cycling-alike too-tight shorts and my bra. I'm going to end up going out with no support at all. It ain't gonna be pretty." A most problematic, albeit rhetorically well-created, conclusion! Are the options to sag and be a feminist or suck in and be a "bad" feminist? Ouch! That hurts even worse than those damn Spanx do.

In This We Truss [Guardian]