Jezebel: South Park

South Park: "Rich, White Girls Get Ahead In Life Because They Get Abortions When They're Young"

Slut Machine — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:00:00 EDT

This week's episode of South Park parodied the film Stand and Deliver, the true story of high school math teacher Jaime Escalante (played by Edward James Olmos), who taught calculus in East L.A. In a turn of events, Cartman was hired to teach a class at an inner city school and — dressed like Mr. Olmos — he taught the kids that the only way to get ahead in life is to follow the example of white people and cheat. At one point, a female student breaks down and cries because she's pregnant, and Cartman consoles her by telling her he'll take her for an abortion, because that's just what young white girls do when they get pregnant! Clip above.

Sci-Fi For Women: Marrying Your Vibrator

Slut Machine — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Remember that South Park episode that spoofed that sci-fi, fanboy-jerk-off-material movie Heavy Metal? Here's a clip from the original, in which a woman has sex with a robot and decides to get married to it after "experiencing ecstasy with mechanical equipment." It's kinda NSFW due to naked cartoon breasts.

Earlier: South Park Takes A Trip To Heavy Metal

South Park Takes A Trip To Heavy Metal

Slut Machine — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 19:00:00 EDT

Last night's episode of South Park was a take on Salvia, that legal drug that kids can take that make them freak out and fall over, only to wake up and find that their friends had immortalized their trip on YouTube. In the episode, the kids learn they can get high from inhaling cat urine, so Kenny tries it out. He quickly becomes addicted when he discovers that tripping on cat urine brings him into the universe of the 1981 movie Heavy Metal, where everything is pretty much boobs. The song from the movie, "Heavy Metal (Takin' a Ride)" might be our favorite new track. Clip above.

It's Hard To Be A Jew On Christmas

Jessica — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 13:30:00 EST

Tomorrow's Christmas, or, as I knew it throughout my childhood, that day when I'm bored and nothing is open. I'm 100% Heeb, and my mother was so anti-Christmas that we didn't even do the stereotypical Jew things like eat Chinese food and go to the movies. Doing those things would be a tacit acknowledgment that Christmas existed, and my mom wasn't about to kowtow to the status quo. I've elided all my severe Christmas envy into one mental image: me, at eight, pressing my hooked nose against the window panes of our Christian neighbors' houses as they embraced around the tree, tearing the wrapping paper off their brand new Nintendos in some sweater-clad, ritualized, yuletide orgy.

That was around the time I started begging my parents for a tree, and the answer was always no. "It's a Christan symbol," they'd tell me. When I was younger, my retort was always, "But...it's pretty!" That didn't really get me far. As I got older I probably responded with, "No, It's a Pagan symbol," but that didn't really work out either."This is a Christian country," my mom would say, "and regardless of its Pagan origins, a tree is for Christians. Case closed."

That twinkling inner desire for a tree never really dissipated, and this year I had an excuse to get one. I moved in with my Episcopalian boyfriend in March, and when December rolled around, I started lobbying for a tree. Dear Mom: Maybe if you had let me have a tree when I was a kid, I wouldn't be forced to date goys all the time. Just sayin'!

The WASPy bf sort of lumped my tree desires in with my other fake whims, like when I ask for a baby panda or say "Why don't we just move to Miami?" When he realized I was actually serious, he wasn't really on the tree train either. "It's messy," he argued. "Our apartment is small." I countered with "But we could keep in the backyard!" And he begrudgingly agreed. One day after work he brought a small fir in through our side door, and I squealed with glee. I didn't even mind that he made me keep it outside like an incontinent old dog. I thought that my childhood holiday dreams had finally come true, but in reality, only kind of.

Last week I went to buy some cheap lights and tinsel across the street. As I approached the checkout counter laden with garish candy cane festooned crap, I started feeling funny. It was just... wrong. Indescribably wrong! Like drawing a fake mustache on Anne Frank. Like taking a dump on the The Wailing Wall. I was somehow turning my back on thousands of years of heritage for some $1.99 ornaments.

I bought the supplies anyway, and walking home I realized that even though the tree has become a Christian symbol, it doesn't have to be one for me. Cheesy as it sounds, having a tree in my own home can just be an expression of warmth and joy. It isn't about wanting to be Christian, it's about wanting to take pleasure in rituals that I've always admired. That's me in the picture after I decorated the gimpy, listing tree with my boyfriend and some other people. I look sort of stoned, and one of my friends was all, "You're just high on Christmas!" I hope you all get high on Christmas, too. Happy Holidays!

Kyle - Just A Jew on Christmas (South Park) [Youtube]