• Kate Gosselin's lawyer, Mark Momjian, claims that Jon Gosselin is earning money outside of the family's TLC show and that Kate is entitled to a piece of it, especially after Jon drained the couple's joint bank account. [Radar]

• "We can't specifically verify whether he is getting paid but we think he is. The only person that can answer that is Jon Gosselin. We suspect he is though," Momjian says, "He was on TV [Inside Edition] saying he's always making money and that he has money. For that, we take him at his word!" [Radar]
• Meanwhile, Jon Gosselin's lawyer, Mark Heller, a lawyer from New York who can only practice law in Pennsylvania if an in-state lawyer sponsors him, as just had his sponsorship withdrawn, which means Jon might be lawyerless for the moment. Did I mention that Jon's lawyer was also suspended from practicing law in NY for 5 years "for a variety of misdeeds?" Is this real life? Seriously? Could you cast this thing any better/worse? [TMZ]
• Amy Winehouse has reportedly received breast implants in preparation for her "comeback" appearance on the British television show Strictly Come Dancing. [Mirror]
• Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are more than just friends; they're actually distant cousins, descended from "a bricklayer who came to the U.S. from England in the 1630s and settled in Ipswich." [USAToday]
• Ellen DeGeneres has been preparing for her new stint as an American Idol judge by watching past seasons on DVD. "Ellen and Portia have been watching old seasons on DVD to see how the judges interact with contestants and audience," says a source. [ShowbizSpy]
• Megan Fox's dog was diagnosed with pneumonia, but is on antibiotics and is recovering. [TMZ]
• In other celebrity dog news, Brooke Burns' lost dog was "found by Brooke's groomer's client's neighbor." It's a long story. [TMZ]
• And in even more puppy news, Michael Jackson's children were so moved by the sight of a two-legged dog they saw on television that they decided to raise funds for the pup in order to buy it prosthetic legs. [TMZ]
• "I remember having to make conversation with Michael Jackson. That had to be one of the freakiest moments of my life . . . he wasn't quite the figure he's become today, but still, I remember even then, staring at his nose, and it was all about, 'Don't Stare at His Nose.'"- Hank Azaria, on working with Michael Jackson on The Simpsons. [PageSix]
• Michael Jackson's high school yearbook shows that he was voted "Best Dressed," "Most Creative," and "Shyest." [ONTD]
• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are reportedly "dreading" the upcoming New Moon promotional blitz they'll both have to go on soon: "Rob and Kristen love the acting; but they hate everything else - the publicity and hype - that goes with the Twilight franchise," says a source. [ShowbizSpy]
• "I could be the most boring mentor since Mariah Carey. God bless her, she's ace. But all she said was, 'That's great. God bless you'."-Robbie Williams on his upcoming guest spot on The X Factor. [TheSun]
• "I think the reason I write about love so much is because I have no idea what is going on with love. It's unpredictable and I haven't figured it out yet."- Taylor Swift [ShowbizSpy]
• Billy Mays' son, Billy Mays II, says he was proud of his late father's "appearance" as a ghost on the season premiere of South Park. [TMZ]
• Alicia Keys is designing her own line of handmade jewelry, called "The Barber's Creations." Each piece comes with an "engraved with a message of hope." [DailyExpress]
• Oh, lord: the wives and girlfriends of all Yankee players have been banned from talking shit about Kate Hudson after Derek Jeter's girlfriend, Minka Kelly's "coldness" toward Hudson was revealed on Page Six. "The Yankees told the girls to be careful who they spoke to about Kate," says a source, "They are concerned about the ramifications for the players." [PageSix]
• Marvel is currently in talks to produce a Spider-Man spin-off film, centered around Spidey's nemesis, Venom. Topher Grace, who played Venom in 2007's Spider-Man 3, is not expected to play the lead in the spin-off. [DailyExpress]
• "I could see myself working with [director Frank Miller] again but, I don't know. Graphic novels are things that I wouldn't do a lot of, so I would have to really choose carefully before I did. At one point, he talked to me about one of the Sin City [films], and we discussed that. There's a kind of cool character I think in the third one, but it was all very kind of soft talk."- Gerard Butler[JustJared]
• Katy Perry and Russell Brand are apparently getting serious, as Perry told her fans via Twitter that she wasn't posting as often because she'd fallen "in a love K-hole." [TheSun]
• It's weird. I watched a bunch of movies from the 70s with my girlfriend recently and I felt so sort of sweet after each movie. And it was like, 'What is that?', and she said, 'None of the movies were snarky.' The absence of snark was such a delightful change. So, I don't know, I'm a fan of non-snarky things."- Demetri Martin [Guardian]
• Gene Simmons says the only way to survive in rock for over 40 years is to avoid alcohol and drugs: "The only way to do it is no booze, no drugs . . . If you are not clean, you don't belong up there. I've never been drunk or high in my life. The only way to survive the long haul is to be straight-nosed. I've been here for four decades." He recommends sex as an alternative, btw. [PageSix]
• Blues musician Abu Talib, perhaps better known as Freddy Robinson has died at the age of 70. [Yahoo]
• Britney Spears' former boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib, has pleaded "no contest" to leaving the scene of an accident after hitting a man; the man was attempting to serve Ghalib with a restraining order, and apparently jumped on the hood of Ghalib's car to stop him, but Ghalib kept driving. [NYTimes]
• Los Angeles prosecutors wrote a letter to the California Second District Court of Appeal, asking that Roman Polanski's request for an appeal, filed before his recent arrest, be denied, as "the issues he presented no longer apply." [Yahoo]
• Nicolas Cage allegedly owes 6.3 million dollars in back taxes. [People]
• Blind Item: "Warner Brothers studio almost fired which young actor after he lost lots of weight and was therefore totally unsuitable for his role in a film series? A compromise was reached when they got him some prosthetics." [BlindGossip]
• "What's left to wish for? A number one album would be good. And to have a movie made of the book, maybe with Johnny Depp playing me - I'd like that. But, really, I'd like to go back in time and make better choices. Still, I know now that there is no such place as Utopia. Even if I do make it to heaven, you can bet your life the toilet will stink."-Ozzy Osbourne [ShowbizSpy]
• And finally, good morning! Here's a picture of Paris Hilton, kissing a chimpanzee. [DailyMail]

[Image via INFDaily.]

• In Rolling Stone's upcoming Michael Jackson tribute issue, Brooke Shield reveals, "There were times when he would ask me to marry him..."

• "I would say, 'You have me for the rest of your life, you don't need to marry me, I'm going to go on and do my own life and have my own marriage and my own kids, and you'll always have me. I think it made him relax. He didn't want to lose things that meant something to him." [The San Francisco Chronicle]
• The Jackson family requested that a black LAPD officer drive the hearse holding Michael Jackson's coffin from Forest Lawn Memorial Park to the Staples center. The LAPD refused and sent a white officer. Michael's body is being kept in Berry Gordy's crypt at Forest Lawn until a final burial decision is made. [Radar Online]
• When Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch was raided in 2003 police found a syringe, prescription painkillers, vials and IV bags containing what could be anesthesia. If you need to rifle through MJ's medicine cabinet yourself, there are photos here: [TMZ]
• According to documents from Michael Jackson's 2005 molestation trial, a member of his security team said some doctors were trying to get MJ off of Demerol, and that one of his doctors was "was upset with Jackson because he had been self-injecting." [TMZ]
• Michael Jackson's driver told coroner employees that MJ seemed disoriented when he left Dr. Arnold Klein's office in the weeks before his death. TMZ has compiled a video of his exits so you can decide for yourself if he looks dazed as people maul him and snap pictures. [TMZ]
• Law enforcement sources say Michael Jackson's doctors Arnold Klein and Conrad Murray aren't cooperated with the L.A. County Coroner's office. They turned over some of the requested documents, but are hiding other records. [TMZ]
• Kim Kardashian said she was particularly moved by Paris Jackson speaking about her father at his memorial service because she spoke at her father Robert Kardashian's funeral in 2003. "That was the hardest thing I ever had to do," said Kim. "I couldn't remember anything and I was shaking and it was really, really tough, and I was 22. [Paris is] only 11, and I thought it was very courageous of her to get up there." [People]
• Reese Witherspoon has a black eye, which her publicist says she got while playing softball in preparation for her upcoming baseball film. [The Daily Express]
• Jennifer Aniston paid everyone's salary on the cast of her movie The Bounty so that they could have the Thursday before Fourth of July off. "Jen is such a genuinely good person," said one crew member. "How many people in this world would pay for an entire movie set to have off for the day? Not just anyone does that. We're talking big bucks." [People]
• Jason Priestley's wife Naomi gave birth to a healthy baby boy yesterday. They also have a 2-year-old daughter. [AP]
• Artie Lange was arrested this afternoon in New Jersey for DUI and careless driving. He allegedly rear ended another car. [TMZ]
• Jani Lane, of the '80s hairband Warrant, was charged with DUI and hit-and-run. On June 17 he hit a parked car in L.A. and refused to take a sobriety test. [TMZ]
• Four major Swedish newspapers are threatening to boycott a Britney Spears concert in Stockholm because their contract bars them from reselling the pictures and from publishing them more than 30 days after the concert. [AP]
• Jordan says she and husband Peter Andre lost a baby shortly before the breakup of their marriage. She was ten weeks pregnant. His spokeswoman said: "It was Peter's child as well and Peter is devastated and deeply disappointed that Kate has chosen to speak out about this and their marriage. It is a private matter." [The Sun]
• Gisele Bunchen still hasn't confirmed that she's pregnant... but she was spotted buying pink things at Petit Trésor Baby Boutique. [TMZ]
• A Russian TV channel cut a scene from an episode of South Park that portrayed Vladimir Putin as desperate and greedy. The episode aired in 2005 in the U.S. [AP]
• Ricky Gervais was criticized for being a hypocrite because he condemned bullfighting but still eats meat. He blogged, "I think there is a difference between animals being humanely killed for meat and animals being tortured to death for fun. It's the 'enjoying it' part I don't understand." Now the World Society for the Protection of Animals has defended Gervais in a newspaper editorial. [The Daily Express]
• Adrian Grenier has responded to Kevin Connolly's accusation that he stuffed his shorts for People's hottest bachelor photo shoot. "My question is how would he know and what was he doing looking?" said Adrian. "It's weird, I've never scrutinised another man's groin area in my life or his socks for that matter." [The Mirror]
• Katie Holmes' upcoming performance on So You Think You Can Dance is "Oscar winning" ... according to her choreographer. [People]
• After having trouble with her voice for several months Rachael Ray had a benign cyst removed from her vocal cord. Her rep said, "According to Rachael's doctors the minor, non-invasive procedure was a success and she is already resting at home." [People]
• Lauren Conrad's book L.A. Candy has been on The New York Times Best Seller list for the past two weeks. She says, "If someone said to me five years ago when this all started that I would one day make the New York Times Best Seller list I wouldn't have believed it." Trust us Lauren, we wouldn't have believed it either. [People]
• Robert Plant was honored with a CBE, but he says he's not going to fight with Led Zeppelin band-mate Jimmy Page, who has an OBE, about rank. "If we can remember each other's phone number at this time in life it's a miracle. We're still good friends, we both enjoy a rather dark sense of humour that comes I think from being from rather the wrong side of the tracks for all those wild years." [Miror]
• Even when the police came to break up a skit while Sacha Baron Cohen was filming Borat, he refused to break character, telling them, "I do not understand what you mean, 'masturbates.'" It's a long story. [Esquire]
• Ryan Reynolds says at first his family wasn't that thrilled when he decided to pursue acting. "I'd say my parents offered a modicum of support. My father's a cop and more rough round the edge, my brother's a cop too. It's not a family you'd think would produce someone who wants to go and sing and dance in Hollywood. And being a cop was a distant second after acting. It was a necessity that acting worked out. Now, they're over the moon." [The Independent]
• Emma Watson says she has one requirement for her college roommate in the fall: "As long as there are no Harry Potter posters on the wall, I will be fine and happy." Daniel Radcliffe joked, "I really hope they are a really massive Harry Potter fan. I hope you walk in and the first thing you see is your face on a duvet." [People]

• While picking up Michael Jackson from the hospital, his driver sideswiped an ambulance. Police say the suspect was driving "a dark colored SUV" that was "being followed by a group of paparazzi." Sounds like MJ!

• The mirror of the ambulance broke off, but no one was injured. [TMZ]
• Hackers broke into Salma Hayek's email and posted screen shots of her emails, including iPhone applications she bought, an invitation to America Ferrerra's birthday party, and the weekly scans she receives of tabloid stories about her. [Defamer]
• "Aladdin82" made a video to explain why he made the fake Beyonce sound board recording. Apparently he just wanted to bring humor into our lives in these dark economic times. [Perez Hilton]
• In response to Lindsay Lohan saying, "I don't believe in cheating on someone... I watched my father do that to my mother my entire life, so I really don't," on Ellen, Michael Lohan says, "It disturbs me that she still continues to take the focus off of herself and accuse me of cheating on her mother when I only did so when Dina and I were separated." [Extra]
• Lindsay Lohan told Ellen DeGeneres that she didn't know the split with Samantha Ronson was coming, saying, "When you don't know you're breaking up ... really weird." She continued, "I had no idea what was going on. I just hadn't seen her in, like, a week. She, like, disappeared." [People]
• Michael Phelps is denying rumors that he's dating Miss California, Carrie Prejean, or anyone else. As for her anti-gay marraige remarks, he says, "That's the cool thing about America - everybody has their opinion. I'm not saying I support her. I'm not saying I don't support her." [Us]
• Donald Trump says of Carrie Prejean, "Miss California has done a wonderful job, that was her belief ... It wasn't a bad answer, that was simply her belief." He added that the question was "a bit unlucky," because no matter how she answered, "she was going to get killed." [Fox News]
• Ugh. The Alabama House has approved a resolution that praises Carrie Prejean for speaking out against gay marriage. [Waay TV]
• Equality California has invited Carrie Prejean to meet with GLBTers from her home state, "to start a dialogue about who LGBT people are and the harm that is caused by denying LGBT community members equality." [SF Bay Times]
• Phil Spector's adopted son, Louis, is shopping a memoir in which he reveals: "When I was 13, Dad was seeing someone, a woman the kids all liked . . . and hoped for the chance of one day calling her 'Mom.' That all changed, however, one evening . . . [It] involved a bottle of wine, a Playboy magazine and 'the lady.' That night I lost my innocence, and my brother, Donte, at the age of 10, lost his virginity — to that lady. That was the last time I ever saw the 'lady.' " [NY Post]
• We thought Justin Timberlake kissed Jessica Biel at a Lakers game because a) she's his girlfriend or b) they want to shoot down those rumors that they split up. Justin set us straight on Jimmy Kimmel, explaining that on the Kiss Me Cam, "They cut to Dustin Hoffman and his wife and he planted an open-mouthed kiss on her, that was award-winning in its own way, and they cut to us and I was not to be outdone! So I mouthed in (kissed) my girlfriend in front of 18,000 people." He added, "It actually looks like she's struggling for breath!" [The Daily Express]
• Leighton Meester has signed a record deal. She says, "I'm thrilled to be welcomed into the Universal Republic fold. Their reputation for nurturing artists combined with a willingness to break new ground makes it the ultimate environment for me to enjoy making music and explore my own creative boundaries. I look forward to a great working relationship." [Perez Hilton]
• On Monday, April 27, Mia Farrow plans to stop eating for as long as she can to show support for the people of Darfur. She says she gained nine pounds in preparation and isn't sure what he last meal will be, but "Probably a fist full of aging, chocolate Easter eggs." [People]
• Madonna and Jesus Luz: still back on. [The Daily Mail]
• Lily Allen marked the end of her North American tour by having an ice cream fight with her crew. A source says: "She had ordered several tubs of ice cream on her rider, and she just began flinging it at her pals. Before long, everyone was chucking it about and it was all over the dressing room." The venue owners weren't so amused, and charged her $2,000 for cleanup. [The Daily Mail]
• Heidi Klum, who is pregnant with baby number four, says she'd be happy with either sex, "But it would be a lie if I said we all weren't hoping for a little girl — especially Leni, because she would love to have a little sister. She'll say, 'I hope it's a girl so she can be in my room, and I'm going to help you and I'm going to change the diapers and I'm going to be a really good sister!" [Us]
• Hayden Panettiere has been meeting with TV executives to pitch her own show. She may leave Heroes if one gets picked up, and her goal is to be goal is to achieve Heidi Klum-like status with a fashion related show like Project Runway. [Hollywood Dame]
• Susan Boyle was mentioned briefly on South Park last night. Ike runs away to be a pirate in Somalia and leaves a note explaining, "Everyone at school is a fucking idiot and if one more person talks to me about that Susan Boyle performance of Les Miserables I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth." [The Sun]
• Have you already figured out all the mysteries on Lost? Then you'll probably be happy to hear that ABC will be running mysterious commercials for a new show, Flash during the breaks. [Yahoo]
• Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis says of his 18-month-old son Everly Bear, "He's the little love of my life, that boy, and I feel very lucky to be his dad," adding, "You can't really care about yourself as much as you used to. It kind of takes the focus off yourself, which for me is a good thing," he says. "It also gives me a cool guy to hang out with." [People]
• Roger Ebert and his wife Chaz have donated $1 million to his alma mater, the University of Illinois to create the Roger Ebert Program for Film Studies. [Editor And Publisher]
• Michael J. Fox says he's excited about his role on Rescue Me as a bitter, drug-addicted character. He says, "People don't often think of me as a bitter misanthrope, so to get to play one, it's too fun to pass up." [The Daily Express]
• If we understand correctly, Lady Gaga is referring to her teacup when she says, "She hasn't got a name but she's quite famous now, so I made her stay in today. I take her everywhere because she makes me feel at home. I used to have tea at home with my mother every day, you see." [The Sun]
• Lady Gaga says: "I don't like blogging. It ruins the mystery of the artists." [The Sun]
• Kelly Clarkson says of being single: "I'm not that girl who's really concerned with it. I've dated a bit and it's just draining to me. If it's not going to happen natural, obviously it's going to be someone in the industry because that's the only time people ever really see me. I don't ever worry about it. I really love being single. I like having that freedom. I'm only 26 years old so I'm not in any kind of rush. I'm not really that girl that's looking for it, but I'm also not not looking for it." [Rolling Stone]
• Coco Arquette has designed a dress for dad David Arquette's clothing line, Propr. "She actually did paint a little red dress," said Arquette. "She said, ‘Here, Daddy. I painted this for Propr.' She designed her own beautiful red dress. And it has a little heart shaped top. It was very elegant, something you could wear tonight. We'll probably put that in [the line] for next Spring." [People]
• Nancy Wilson of Heart said it's hard to juggle being a mom and a rock star: "It's my job. I'm a working mother. Like everybody that keeps a job and also has children, there's a lot to balance out. The traveling part during the summer, my kids can come out and be with me. The family can travel together. But during the school time it's really tough, because we have to schedule everything around being able to be together. It's more important than anything there is, is trying to be a good parent. They're more important than you are, because they're the next generation. You can't just be self-absorbed in your career thing too much because they deserve everything of you." [Reuters]
• We don't really want to know why the person interviewing Jennifer Garner and Matthew McConaughey in the video is shirtless. [Entertainment Weekly]
• A fan wants to know why Matthew McConaughey is so "relaxed and calm" all the time. He says: I think I'm pretty good at localizing and I also enjoy people and conversations and I like to share opinions. I'm not as chill if I don't get my sleep, I'll tell you that. So getting a good night sleep and I don't really leave crumbs in my life, if you know what I mean. When you leave crumbs in your life, you have a reason to look over your shoulder. A lot people tend to be anxious because they're looking over their shoulder a little bit." [People]

• Scarlett Johansson blogged about tabloid accusations that she's losing weight in preparation for Iron Man 2. She writes: "If I were to lose 14 pounds, I'd have to part with both arms. And a foot."

• She says that while she is working out to fit into her superhero catsuit, reports that she's crash dieting are untrue. "I'm frustrated with the irresponsibility of tabloid media who sell the public ideas about what we should look like and how we should get there," she writes. "I would be absolutely mortified to discover that some 15-year-old girl in Kansas City read one of these 'articles' and decided she wasn't going to eat for a couple of weeks so she too could 'crash diet' and look like Scarlett Johansson." [The Huffington Post]
• Phil Spector was found guilty today of second-degree murder in his retrial for the death of actress Lana Clarkson. He faces a minimum of 18 years in prison. [Rolling Stone]
• After Easter services, Mel Gibson confirmed to a fellow parishioner that his wife of 28 years, Robyn Gibson has filed for divorce. Sources say they've actually been separated for the past three years. She is seeking joint custody of their 9-year-old son. [People]
• Mel Gibson has filed his response, and it only took a matter of hours. In documents available at the link, he says he and Robyn separated less than a month after his DUI arrest. He says the reason for divorce is "irreconcilable differences." [TMZ]
• Madonna emailed The Nation, a Malawian newspaper and said: "I want to provide Mercy with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and health care possible ... It's my hope that she, like David, will one day return to Malawi and help the people of their country." [CNN]
• Madonna has also released this photo of her cradling a sleeping Mercy in her arms. [The Daily Mail]
• Someone broke into Tila Tequila's house this morning and posted on her Twitter: "I just broke into her house, killed her and her dog. Logged onto Twitter to tell you guys. She was signed on already. Tila Tequila is dead." The real Tila then wrote that she's OK, but someone broke in, locked her dog in her trunk, and posted on her Twitter. [MSNBC, ONTD]
• Jon Eardley, the lawyer tried to free Britney Spears from her conservatorship, supposedly at her request, has asked a judge to require Brit to take time out of her Circus tour to testify in court. The conservatorship is currently trying to file a restraining order against Eardley. [E!]
• Lindsay Lohan's new post-breakup tattoo ion her inner wrist is of a quote from Marilyn Monroe. It says: "Everyone's a star and deserves the right to twinkle," and is surrounded by stars.[People]
• Miley Cyrus went to lunch with her ex-boyfriend Nick Jonas and her current boyfriend Justin Gaston was nowhere to be found. [TMZ]
• Simon Cowell may leave American Idol when his contract runs out next year because he can't handle filming the show, as well as two reality shows in Britain. "I don't want to come over as whiney because I am very grateful that I have got these jobs," he said. "But there is a point where I am not sure we can keep this schedule up." [Access Hollywood]
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon were photographed leaving an IVF clinic in San Diego. [Perez Hilton]
• Artist Mark McGowan is putting on a show in which he'll reenacting the final hours of Jade Goody's life. [The Mirror]
• Here's video of Paul Rudd singing and dancing on Sesame Street while wearing a giant planet Earth costume. [Video Gum]
• Lo Bosworth says even though Lauren Conrad has left The Hills she thinks Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag could carry the show themselves. She adds: "[Lauren] hasn't filmed in weeks and she's really excited about that… I think she'll come back for special occasions and stuff, but we just don't know how many episodes she'll return for or if there will be another season. It's really just all up in the air." [Perez Hilton]
• Watch this preview clip of Spencer from tonight's episode and decide for yourself. [People]
• And here's another clip featuring Heidi telling Spencer that they need couple's therapy. [Perez Hilton]
• Lauren Conrad is going to guest star on Family Guy. The episode will air on May 3 and she will date Brian. [People]
• Mark Wahlberg and James Franco have joined the cast of the Tina Fey-Steve Carell film Date Night. [Variety]
• A New Moon insider says, "I hear that Kristen [Stewart] and Rob [Pattinson]'s 'teams' are having an emergency meeting," which apparently means that they are dating. [E!]
• Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi posed naked in Allure and exposed a scar on her arm that she got when she was 14. "I love it because it makes me a person who has an interesting past, and it reminds me that I can survive any pain," she says. [People]
• Jason Priestley and his wife Naomi Lowde are expecting their second child. [Us]
• Ralph Fiennes will star in "The Men at the Pru, which is co-written and co-directed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. [UPI]
• "I feel like a tranny a lot of the time ... I don't know, I'm ... large? They put me in six-inch heels, and I tower over every man. I've got this long hair and lots of clothes and makeup on. I just feel really big a lot of the time, and I'm surrounded by a lot of tiny people. I feel like a man sometimes." - Blake Lively. [ONTD]
• Drew Barrymore says it took four to six hours to apply the aging makeup to play Little Edie Beale in Grey Gardens. Drew said: "My face suffered as a result. We ended up with skin issues I'd never had before because I developed an allergy to chemicals in isopropyl, the alcohol used in removing cosmetics. A constancy of prosthetics also created a sensitivity to adhesives, and our makeup people had to find alternatives." [The Daily Express]
• The executor of Dee Dee Ramone's estate has gone to court to stop publication of the book Poisoned Heart: I Married Dee Dee Ramone by the late bassist's first wife. [AP]
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck has written book on eating gleuten free called The G Free Diet. She says: "My grandmother was giving me her meatball-and-sauce recipe ... When she got to the part about adding breadcrumbs, she looked up at me and said, 'Elisabeth, you can add whatever you want here.' I thought, if my Italian grandmother can understand being G-free, anyone can." [People]
• Annie Lennox had surgery to surgery to release a trapped nerve in her back six months ago and says she may never be able to perform again. "When I had the surgery, I didn't even know if I would be able to walk again properly. My foot is still not right — it is kind of permanently numb. And it is a strange thing to live with, really," said Lennox. "I have been doing physical therapy and I still don't know if it will ever be back to normal again. ... I don't think I could do a normal concert any more at this point in time." [UPI]
• Kanye West was a good sport about the South Park episode mocking him at first, but the joke may be getting old. He blogged: "SOUTH PARK pt. 3 I WAS AT CHEESECAKE FACTORY YESTERDAY AND THE MANAGER BROUGHT ME A PLATE OF FISH STICKS... (in a sarcastic tone) uuuuuuum, GREAT! : /" [The Atlantic]

In a reference to South Park's infamous April Fools' Day episode, when creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone ran a Terrance and Philip special rather than revealing the identity of Cartman's father, in the new episode the boys find that instead of part two of a Terrance and Philip episode, the network is airing an episode of The Queef Sisters. Their schtick is exactly the same as Terrance and Philip's, but while the men fart on each other, the ladies blow air out of their vaginas.

Soon queefing has swept the nation and, as seen in the clip above, the Queef Sisters share their talent on Regis and Kelly and Martha Stewart shows how to make queefs more festive. The men of South Park are repulsed by the new fad, but the women argue that it's no different than farting. The men finally realize the error of their ways when Stan's mom delivers a feminist speech on the real meaning of the right to queef, saying, "This has been about women having a little bit of fun for once at your expense. For once we could be the immature ones to make you feel uncomfortable."

It seems some men missed the point of the episode, as IGN reviewer Travis Fickett called the episode, "a textbook example of a disappointing South Park," adding:

Maybe there's new ground to break with fart jokes. It's doubtful, but possible - but this episode doesn't come anywhere close. It actually just becomes boring. What is it even trying to say? Is the big idea that there's some kind of double standard because men find farts funny but queefs disgusting? Are queefs anything that anyone anywhere has to deal with on an even semi-regular basis?

In The A.V. Club review, Josh Modell was less harsh but said:

Mrs. Marsh's big speech about women being second-class citizens was a little tired-don't try and feed some real-world consequence into an episode whose message of social consciousness is predicated on something nobody actually believes. (Women, I think I speak for all men when I say: Queef and fart when you feel the need, and when it's appropriate.)

Though it was entertaining to see an episode of South Park focused on the ladies, we agree that the tone of Sharon Marsh's speech was weirdly didactic. We were left wondering if Trey and Matt actually had a point about how men think women's natural bodily functions are gross but delight in their own, or if it was just an excuse to do some queefing jokes. Then there's the possibility that running an episode with a "feminist" message, however absurd, was just another April Fools' joke on the fans.

Eat, Pray, Queef Review [IGN]
Eat, Pray, Queef [The A.V. Club]

Earlier: Queefs: What's The Etiquette For Dealing With Air Up There?
"How Can I Prevent Queefing During Sex?"
Instructional Video: Queefing
The Gong Show: Queefing Is A Talent

While some on the Jezebel staff disdained such paper prescience, I was a wholehearted believer in the powers of the cootie-catcher - seen in the South Park clip above left from the 9th season episode "Marjorine"- the name game, and especially MASH. I've compiled a little gallery of games like this below — it's also a pretty good summation of my grade-school hopes and dreams. Observe:

1. MASH: MASH, my favorite, is kind of complicated. First you write MASH on top of a sheet of paper. Below that, draw a box. Around the box, write categories of things you are curious about in your future. At my school, these were almost always boys we would marry, jobs we would have, cars we would drive, and, of course, the colors of our inevitable wedding dresses. For each category, you pick three good outcomes. My top three boys, you'll notice, are Scotty (the boy I liked in grade school, who once promised to fight another boy for "the friendship of me" after I wore my super-trendy red-and-black-striped minidress-and-bike-shorts combo to school), Johnny Depp (duh), and Michael Stipe (shut up). Then your friends get to pick one bad outcome for each category. For boys, that would be Steve, who had this habit of licking the desks when he thought no one was looking, and whose butt-crack I accidentally grabbed once during math (long story), forcing me to wash my hands one million times. Then you shut your eyes and make tick marks in the box until someone tells you to stop. Take the number of tick marks, start with the M, progress clockwise through the options, and cross one out when you reach the number. Keep going until you have just one item in each category — this is your fortune. In the example below, it was revealed that I would marry Michael Stipe (shut up), that my wedding dress would be off-white (zzz), and that I would ride a dog to my job as a cat wrangler (seems like a bad idea). Oh, the MASH part stands for Mansion Apartment Shack House. I forgot to do that part this time because it always struck me as the most boring.


2. The Name Comparison Game: [If anyone had a better name for this game, we'd love to hear it. None of us can remember what we called it.]You thought MASH was complicated? Check this out. Write your name and your crush's name. Starting with the first letter of your first name, count the frequency of each letter and write the numbers in a line. Example: there are 2 A's in "ANNA NORTH SCOTTY JONES" so I wrote a 2 first. There are 4 N's, so I wrote a 4, etc. Now add the first two numbers and write the result below the second number. Add the second and third number and write the result below the third. Keep going until you have another line that is one number shorter than the previous. If you get a 2-digit number, write only the second digit. Keep doing this until you have a line with just two numbers — that is the percent chance that you and your crush will be together forever. If you don't get it, don't feel bad, it took Anna H. two phone calls to explain this to me, and number 3 offers a way simpler variant.


3. The "True Love" Game: [Thanks to Hortense for this one!]
Write your name and your crush's name. Count how many times each of the letters in the word "TRUE" appears in both names. Add those numbers up. Now count how many times each of the letters in the word "LOVE" appears. Add those numbers up. Write the first number next to the second number, and use THAT as your foolproof percent-likelihood-of-everlasting-love. This method gives me and Scotty only a 44% chance at being together forever, which seems more accurate since I haven't spoken to him in about sixteen years (and 3 months, 13 days, 6 hours . . .)


4. The Cootie-Catcher: As seen on South Park, this is a fortune-telling game of medium complexity. It involves a lot of paper-folding, which fit right in with the huge origami craze that took my school by storm in about second grade. Here's a great set of instructions for how to make and use a cootie-catcher. The South Park kids give a good demonstration of how to play. The most important thing is to include a balance of good fortunes like "You will marry Scotty!" and bad fortunes like "Steve likes you" or "You will be homeless" (equally bad in my mind at the time).


5. Lemon: Write down five girls' names, five things you can do to a lemon (i.e. lick, bite, slice), five boys' names (or other girls' names), five body parts, and five locations (i.e. my childhood favorite, "closet"). Don't let your friends see what order you write them in. Then ask your friends to put the numbers 1 through 5 in random order. Select the item in each column that corresponds to each number, then combine them to form a Mad-Lib type sentence. In this example, I picked the sequence 13452 (I cheated a little). This yielded the sentence "Anna sliced David's dick in bed," which handily reveals the basically sadistic nature of this game. Another interesting thing about Lemon is it doesn't exactly tell the future — except insofar as the time for playing it is well before any of the players have licked, let alone "peeled," anyone's balls. It's sort of a bridge between innocence and experience, between the does-he-love-me chastity of the name games and the sexual experimentation of a later favorite, Seven Minutes in Heaven. We didn't have the word "tween" when I was one, but now that we do, I can say this is definitely a game for tweens.

I was sort of embarrassed at how unquestioningly I believed in these games, even in the face of obvious problems like the fact that each MASH yields a different fortune every time, or that the name comparison game gives a different percentage depending on whose name you write first. Anna H., however, isn't embarrassed at all — she looks upon her cootie-catching days with nostalgia, because she fears girls aren't playing these games anymore. Are kids today entrusting their futures to the fickle flickering screen of a computer instead of a steadfast sheet of paper? Did you play games like this? Can you think of any others? Did boys ever join in the fun? And would you be glad or sorry to see them go the way of that weird hoop-and-stick toy the old-time youngsters liked to play with?

• The Vietnamese media reports that about 130 women are held as prisoners, including some held in dog cages, and forced to work as prostitutes 18 hours per day. • A male white rhino in South Australia led his zookeepers on a 12-hour chase after he escaped from his habitat on Sunday in jealous protest over another bull being mated with a female rhino. • Den of Geek! has compiled a list of the 50 best drug trip scenes from movies, including scenes from The Matrix and Rosemary's Baby. • The principal of an exclusive Sydney boys' school has blamed South Park and Summer Heights High for their un-PC humor after students at the school allegedly posted anti-Semitic comments on a Facebook group titled Jew Parking Appreciation Group. • A new study claims that men have evolved to overspend so that they can attract mates. • A new DIY store-bought test, appropriately called The Sperm Check Vasectomy test, promises to help men check if their vasectomy has worked or not. • Cute alert: here are some photos of a baby orangutan who has befriended a two-year-old girl. • A mother from Detroit was arrested on Sunday after she had her 16-year-old daughter participate in a sex party that included 19 prostitutes and 20 men. • Brazil's sex toy industry is experiencing a boom after the South American country's economy has taken off. • Some high school students in Michigan observed the autopsy of a local 14-year-old girl from their same school district, although none of the students knew her. • New educational strategies distributed to Australian teachers say that red ink is "too aggressive" to use when correcting a student's paper and may contribute to harming a student's psyche. • Strange portraits of Obama on Mental Floss involve two separate paintings that include unicorns. •

• Lindsay Lohan says that she and Samantha Ronson are still going strong, and if they were to break up, we'd hear it from the mouths of babes, or rather, Lindsay's MySpace blog. "all in all-[paparazzi] should just stop asking altogether, once and for all if she and i are broken up because frankly, if we ever ever did…. i would say it before they could even think of asking. i'd say it here probably… i say everything here on myspace." [Perez ]
• Madonna is suing the British tabloid Mail on Sunday for publishing photos of her wedding to Guy Ritchie. Yes, the wedding took place 8 years ago, but for some reason, the Mail printed the photos on October 18th of this year, and now Madge wants £5 million because the photos were stolen from her Beverly Hills home. Is Madge really that hard up for cash these days? [BBC]

• Police have a prime suspect in mind for the shooting of Mark Ruffalo's brother, Scott: a woman named Shaha Mishaal Adham. According to TMZ, "Sources close to the investigation tell us Adham is related to members of Saudi Arabian royalty." [TMZ]
• Three fans rustled up $12,000 to win a date with Anne Hathaway, with proceeds going to the Trevor Project, a crisis helpline for LGBT youth. "I'm not usually very forward," Anne said at the Project's auction last night, "but I thought if there was ever a crowd for me to do something like this, this is my crowd so I would like to auction myself off for drinks somewhere fabulous and basically get you totally s—- faced. Tell me what I'm worth." [People]
• Even though they've been broken up for months now, Michael Bublé says that he will always be sweet on Emily Blunt. "I will always love her. We're still friends," he says. He even has nice things to say about her new beau, John Krasinski! "I love that guy in The Office. He’s great," Bublé claims as he stabs a "Jim" bobble head with a toothpick under the table. [People]
• Gossip Girl real life romance alert! Jessica Szohr (Vanessa) and Ed Westwick (duh, Chuck Bass) were spotted holding hands on a chilly New York eve recently. [Just Jared]
• Tween star (and Julia Roberts's niece) Emma Roberts won't just rest on her acting laurels: the 17-year-old is applying to college. The most expensive ones in the country, naturally! "When I got to Sarah Lawrence or NYU, I could really see myself walking around here making friends," says Emma. [People]
• Erm, there are rumors that Heath Ledger was supposed to make a low budget indie about politics in Thailand, and now Richard Gere is replacing him. According to E!, "'The film had to be rewritten a little,' says a key source working on the project, when they switched the character from a hunky, brooding guy in his mid-20s to, uh, Gere. Yeah, just a bit." Gere's peeps are denying the story. [E! Online]
• Ugly Betty's Eric Mabius just had a son, Rylan Jaxon Mabius, with wife Ivy Sherman, whom he met in high school. This is the couple's second boy. [Just Jared]
• Will Smith admits that sex scenes make him anxious. "My worst nightmare is for an actress to ... feel like I'm taking this opportunity to get a little quickie feel – you know, some legal cheating going on!" Aw, who loves his squeaky clean family man image sooooo much? [People]
• The Mirror]
• Singer Robin Thicke, the son of Growing Pains star Alan, says his Dad is way cooler than he is. "Every time I think I'm kind of cool, I hang out with my dad and he always out cools me," Robin says. He added that the dad from Family Matters is actually the coolest person in the entire world. Who knew! [CBS News]
• Ryan Seacrest was allegedly seen sucking face with rehabbed Miss USA Tara Connor, though apparently he says they're "just friends." Seacrest, out (of taste)! [Perez]
• PETA is pissed at Britney Spears for using exotic animals — specifically elephants — in her "Circus" video. We're guessing she has enough to deal with and will be ignoring PETA's impassioned missives. [PETA]
• Janet Jackson is not preggo. In case you were wondering. [UPI ]
• Beyonce and her lil' sis Solange cancelled a Holiday charity concert in Houston because of scheduling conflicts. "Beyonce and Solange regret the cancellation of their Houston-area holiday concert and urge their fans to support the efforts of The Gulf Coast Ike Relief Fund and the Survivor Foundation," they said in a statement. [UPI]
• South Park creator Matt Stone just got married to longtime love Angela Howard. Congrats! [BoingBoing]

Granted, most people think I get a pass on this because I have been sexually assaulted. Of course, I spent a good part of the hours after my most recent assault alternating between hysterical crying and compulsive vomiting — and cracking jokes. I got tired really quickly of the quiet whispers and the looks of pity and the hushed voices and the overall funerary air in the room. And then, because the cops and the detective and my friend were all too scared to laugh, I told jokes... jokes that descended deeper into "inappropriate" territory because, if I could mock it, if I could laugh at it — and if I could make them laugh at the absurdity of trying to take a written statement from a drunk, hysterical, projectile-vomiting witness who was singing "Red, Red Wine" under her breath (when she could breathe) — then it wasn't actually The Worst Thing In The World.

You're supposed to laugh at that, although no one does — but if I had been mugged, or had my identity stolen or witnessed a crime, it is funny to picture that Exorcist kid spewing vomit everywhere to a reggae beat while the cops look on in horror and try to protect their paperwork. Why is my vagina some sacred crime scene? But, having told this story to Anna and her husband recently — and having upset Anna's husband, who was too horrified by what happened to me to see that there was humor or absurdity in the situation — I know that it is.

Anyway, the first relatively mainstream rape joke comes, of course, from Sarah Silverman's performance in The Aristocrats.
It's an arc of a performance, that starts with her telling a sweet but sick story of performing in an incestuous sex show and culminates in the heart-stopping, clear-eyed revelation that "Joe Franklin raped me." Except, of course, she's proudly trodding on the landmine of comedy — and, honestly, it's so disturbing, it's funny.


Jessica Valenti's recent piece in The Guardian about female comedians praised Wanda Sykes' now-infamous rape joke from her 2006 comedy special about detachable vaginas.

Valenti says:

Sykes brings a biting comedy to the most controversial topics, throwing new light on issues that are all too easily written off as age-old and intractable: rape, for example.

And she does, but let's break down what she's joking about: she's joking about stranger rape, and she's making light of Kobe Bryant's victim, who was raped after she went up to his hotel room at the ungodly hour of 2 in the morning. In fact, you could argue — and I am — that Wanda Sykes is poking fun of that victim for being, you know, stupid enough to get raped. Is it only funny when Wanda Sykes does it? Many of you would say yes (and, in fact have said that it's never funny to say something like that). Do you still think so?

In fact, Jessica Valenti herself recently wrote, in response to a rape joke shown on The Office "there's never really a funny rape joke, is there?" Well, here's the rape joke she — and many of you, judging by our e-mails — didn't like:
To recap, Kelly claims to have been raped when she is confronted with some office malfeasance — as in, she's only saying it to get out of trouble— and it's not the first time she's apparently done such a thing. Is it laugh-out-loud funny? Nah. But is it poking fun of her character and using that kind of hyperbole to mock people who try to use personal crises ("My grandmother died") to get out of responsibility? Sure. Is it, say, less offensive than implying a rape victim was less than smart to head up to Kobe Bryant's room late at night? Technically, I think both are funny, but I have a sick sense of humor.

Which, of course, brings me to the most horrifying of horrifying rape jokes: The South Park episode about Indiana Jones. Although this only has the last two of the three rape scenes depicted in the show, it gives you enough of a sense of what it was about: Steven Spielberg and George Lucas are no longer metaphorically raping the Indy franchise, they're really doing it.

Offensive? Yes. Boundary-crossing? Certainly. Horrifying in its detail? Yes. Funny? Arguably so.

Which then, of course, brings it back to the question: when is it funny? And I think the answer is, for a lot of people, when you like or respect the person telling the joke. Which is fine, and it's how most jokes work, but you can't then argue that they're never funny, or they can't ever be funny. Lots of humor comes from the juxtaposition of our civilized collective state of being and the ways in which we betray the lie of that constantly — fart jokes, for instance, are funniest when you really, really should be proper. If we take sexual assault off the table of things we can laugh about or joke about, it's just another way of saying: this is a different crime than any other crime, and so we can and must treat its victims differently than any other crime.

And, you know, fuck that. I got treated differently than any other crime victim once because of the kind of crime that I was the victim of. If I had been mugged, would the cops have been calling my friends and asking them how much I'd been drinking that night? If I had been only robbed, would it have mattered to the cops whether I'd told the guys I was out with that night that I was dating someone? If I had been shot walking out of the bar, would it have been anyone's business if my friend thought that I was flirting or not? And if any of those crimes had been committed instead, would everyone be so horribly offended by me making jokes about it? It's all part of the way in which society wants to treat me differently because of how I was victimized. Let's treat sexual assaults like any other crime and tell some rape jokes. Cool?

Here's mine:

When my victim's advocate called me up the week after I was assaulted, she went over the rape kit results and what I could expect from the process, and asked me if I had any questions. I asked her if they could tell me the name of the man who had been arrested for assaulting me, and I heard her shuffle through papers. His name, she said, was "Hey-zeus" after which I started laughing.

An agnostic, I was raped by Jesus.

Sense And Humour [The Guardian]
The Office's Rape Joke [Feministing]

Related: Rape Case Against Bryant Dismissed [MSNBC]

Earlier: My Sexual Assault Is Not Your Political Issue

Earlier: South Park Takes A Trip To Heavy Metal

That was around the time I started begging my parents for a tree, and the answer was always no. "It's a Christan symbol," they'd tell me. When I was younger, my retort was always, "But...it's pretty!" That didn't really get me far. As I got older I probably responded with, "No, It's a Pagan symbol," but that didn't really work out either."This is a Christian country," my mom would say, "and regardless of its Pagan origins, a tree is for Christians. Case closed."

That twinkling inner desire for a tree never really dissipated, and this year I had an excuse to get one. I moved in with my Episcopalian boyfriend in March, and when December rolled around, I started lobbying for a tree. Dear Mom: Maybe if you had let me have a tree when I was a kid, I wouldn't be forced to date goys all the time. Just sayin'!

The WASPy bf sort of lumped my tree desires in with my other fake whims, like when I ask for a baby panda or say "Why don't we just move to Miami?" When he realized I was actually serious, he wasn't really on the tree train either. "It's messy," he argued. "Our apartment is small." I countered with "But we could keep in the backyard!" And he begrudgingly agreed. One day after work he brought a small fir in through our side door, and I squealed with glee. I didn't even mind that he made me keep it outside like an incontinent old dog. I thought that my childhood holiday dreams had finally come true, but in reality, only kind of.

Last week I went to buy some cheap lights and tinsel across the street. As I approached the checkout counter laden with garish candy cane festooned crap, I started feeling funny. It was just... wrong. Indescribably wrong! Like drawing a fake mustache on Anne Frank. Like taking a dump on the The Wailing Wall. I was somehow turning my back on thousands of years of heritage for some $1.99 ornaments.

I bought the supplies anyway, and walking home I realized that even though the tree has become a Christian symbol, it doesn't have to be one for me. Cheesy as it sounds, having a tree in my own home can just be an expression of warmth and joy. It isn't about wanting to be Christian, it's about wanting to take pleasure in rituals that I've always admired. That's me in the picture after I decorated the gimpy, listing tree with my boyfriend and some other people. I look sort of stoned, and one of my friends was all, "You're just high on Christmas!" I hope you all get high on Christmas, too. Happy Holidays!

Kyle - Just A Jew on Christmas (South Park) [Youtube]