I think that there is a valid point made by the commenter who pointed out that prom is precursor to the wedding industrial complex for women. In this economic climate it's hard to see such excesses as anything but symptomatic of our misguided societal priorities. I'd almost rather see schools throw a more casual, fun prom - maybe something with games and activities (like a carnival) culminating in a dance - where jeans and tshirts would be appropriate and money wouldn't be wasted on dresses, limos, hair, nails, decor, etc. Something a little less class conscious than the type of formal ball prom supposedly aspires to be.
Thanks so much for bringing this the attention it deserves!! I have donated to A Place Called Home in the past, which is a wonderful organization that is literally around the corner from where I'm currently working.
It's amazing that in Los Angeles, you could be inches away from gang territory and poverty and at-risk youths and not even realize it. By showing the positive community outreach that these organizations are doing, helps to shed light on things we otherwise may have taken for granted.
I gotta say, there's a lot of classism and straight-up ignorance as part of this discussion.
Should charitable donations be funneled toward books and education? Well, as a public school teacher, I'm gonna go with a 'yes.' But one of my main complaints about charity is that it deprives those receiving it of choice.
The girls (and maybe boys - if the nontraditional gender expressions among high schoolers in DC are anything to go by) who get these dresses have very few choices. Generally, they cannot choose the food they eat (school subsidized), the education they get (tenuous at best), their location (geographic mobility is very limited) and many other things in their lives. This charity seems frivolous, sure, but it does allow for a modicum of choice.
I'd also like to point out that the ability to afford clothing has a huge impact on some one's sense of self. I'm sure many of the posters here mix thrift store, vintage, and retail. Try shopping ONLY at Goodwill or through clothing donations. I teach at a racially and economically integrated school - but you can tell who's rich and who's not immediately (generally by shoe quality) and it's used for social stratification among teenagers, like it or not.
Having to learn the hard lesson that there are some things they cannot afford is a lesson I'm guessing most of these girls have learned early. Please, stop being patronizing. People who are poor are aware of their own poverty and the limitations it causes.
And for those of you who chose not to attend prom - yeah, I chose not to eat ice cream for breakfast, but that's not going to help the person who cannot afford breakfast.
@sabranee: You raise a really good point about the importance of agency. There is something incredibly cynical about women who were able to afford prom telling disadvantaged girls who cannot how "not important" attending prom is. For me, charities like these allow disadvantaged girls the option of attending the prom if they want to. As a public high school teacher in an economically disadvantaged area, I know firsthand that options are not something these girls have a lot of.
@sabranee: thank you for saying this. I was really frustrated by some of the attitudes expressed in this discussion today. Patronizing is the perfect word.
I've donated to the Chicago branch of this charity. They were happy to receive the gowns, bags, and shoes, and they mentioned that they do not get enough things in size 12 and up. Many of the girls who come looking for dresses can't fit into what's been donated (probably because they are normal sized.)
Back in my day, girls who couldn't afford to buy prom dresses MADE monstrous pink dresses out of two perfectly serviceable dresses. And then the spineless popular boys who dumped them saw the error of their ways. And James Spader was there.
For a 16 year old girl something like prom can mean the world and I think, like letting a little kid believe in Santa Claus, that there is something very pure and sweet about it.
Just because some girls are spoiled with $400 dresses and salon treatments, doesn't mean the girls from less fortunate families can't enjoy their moment. I wouldn't say prom makes or breaks someone's self esteem (it's called perspective), but there is something to be said for really dressing up for the first time and having pride in your appearance.
And frankly, I'm sort of disgusted by the posters on here who are judging those girls for caring just because they hated high school. Get over it.
@MegSwan: I'm also having a problem with people associating the whole "big prom" problem with this cause. There is a huge difference between wanting to have a dress to wear so you can attend your prom, and wanting to buy a $400 dress, hummer limo, nails, hair, tans, etc. And it kind of bugs me that the people who are negative towards this charity are ones who actually had choice about whether or not they went to prom.
@goldengirl11 (is way too earnest): yes! it's not like these girls can afford a "normal" prom dress but need to have a designer one. The people who frequent these charities tend to be the people who need things like food stamps.
@MegSwan: @pink_orchid_martini: Exxxxactly! Prom is a BIG FUCKING DEAL in some parts of the country. I'm in a big city, and a lot of people in my high school compared prom to going yo an awards show or getting married. Telling someone who is at or below the poverty line they should just get over not being able to go to prom is ridiculous.
I would think people could stop being so bitter and cynical and realize how good it must feel for girls to get dolled up and have a night on the town, instead of comparing it to their own apathy towards prom and what low income people should and shouldn't do according to them.
@goldengirl11 (is way too earnest): Ha! I was just laughing at myself for defending the prom in this thread, because I hated it too! (Well, the idea... I ended up having fun because I went with a group that didn't take it seriously at all and we just danced the Macarena like fools). But I was able to afford a dress and tickets, and I also knew I was moving on to college and would have more "events" in my future. It breaks my heart to think that the prom is possibly the one event that these girls get, and some have to miss it because they don't have a dress. So I'm finding myself defending the prom, which is a new thing for me.
@all: honestly I don't have a problem with people bashing prom, what irritates me is people making comments like, basically oh sorry learn to live with not being able to afford shit. Like, really? do you really think these girls haven't already learned that? charitable!
@gangey: I'm defending it too, and I realize how big of a waste of time it was (even with the spiked punch!) But I too could afford my dress and shoes...
I don't think people realize a lot of people aren't afforded the luxury of going to swanky events and having wild weddings. Prom is the closet event to those for a lot of people.
@MegSwan: I'm not judging these girls at all. I'm judging the school systems for allowing events like this to become so extremely extravagant that it becomes incredibly exclusionary, especially in an economic climate like this. The proms themselves have gotten out of control; you can have a lovely, memorable night without it being the type of event that families are expected to put hundreds of dollars down on.
@hortense: I certainly wasn't singling you out, but I also don't think it's the school's responsibility to regulate that- do you think they have the ability to put a spending cap on each child?
That's a symptom of our culture of excess and networks like MTV that glorify the Super Sweet Sixteen sort of behavior. Teenage girls with the means wont be able to resist the urge to keep up with the Jones's and that's when parents need to step up and be a parent.
@hortense: I can only speak for my own district, but my school is taking steps to make these kinds of events more affordable. Rather than having dances at private country clubs halfway across the county like we have in the past, our winter formal was held at a local hotel literally down the street. Most students were dropped off by their parents as there was no need to hire a limo for a 2 minute ride.
There are talks of holding all dances next year in the school gym and having the events be free, which I totally support.
@MegSwan: The school does have some say, as the prom is a school-sanctioned event, a class funds are often put towards the prom (as are the energies of many students and teachers). I just think it's unfortunate that the answer is to feed into the culture and concentrate on the keeping up aspects instead of the focus being shifted on making these things affordable for every child in the first place, so as to avoid the classist, exclusionary nature of things.
That being said, I think programs like this have their hearts in the right place; the extravagance probably isn't going anywhere anytime soon, and to provide girls with a chance to participate (as much as i loathe the entire prom culture) is a truly great thing.
I don't think many commenters here understand what a big deal Prom is in that community. Suburban kids can chose to be ironic or ignore it, but in South-Central LA, Prom is like the Grammys. But those girls aren't likely to go to a thrift store, or wear vintage or want to wear a used dress. Prom's the big time to get dressed up, and rent a limo (yes, I understand that a limo seems stupid when you live in a housing project, but it's a huge deal.)
Kids go to prom who won't graduate or go to college.
@Lulupasternak: Or, frequently, get married. I'm not being judgey or snarky there, either. This really is the big fancy-dress event in a LOT of people's lives.
I just donated to this charity. But for serious, of course Prom is ridic. Just like most everything else about high school.
But I'll be damned if some poor girl is going to cash in her V-card while wearing ill fitting, payless shoes. She may have to make due with Boone's Farm. But she sure as hell doesn't have to sacrifice her feet.
@Mmmmkay (now with more butter): and do you know how much Zappos charges for shoes? Full price until well into the end of the season. They make up for their free shipping by refusing to budge off retail.
I can only imagine the pairs of shoes Zappos could be giving to these folks.
My school didn't have a prom, but I did go to junior prom with my friend who went to another school (in 2001). I had a light blue dress, and it has since turned WHITE. I have no idea how this happened.
@mutualcraze: Was it made of acetate? A bridesmaid dress I wore 7 years ago was partially acetate (yikes) and those parts turned from maroon to brown. My acetate high school grad gown also turned from kelly green to a weird purplish color.
I am out of the loop and I grew up in a very small, rural area - our school had banquets and what-not (which I never attended because I was too cool) but we were too small and religious for dancing (which entices youngsters to like, touch each other too much.)
I had absolutely no idea that people shell out $300+ for gowns and limo rides. None. I did not know that this was a thing that was considered normal.
I am actually a little gobsmacked from reading some of this. I bought a dress because I thought of attending the Banquet, but I didn't go. It was $49.99 at Sears. In 1998. I still have it.
You know, I'm going to get bopped right in the nose for this, but there's a time in everyone's life when you learn that sometimes you can't afford to do the things that you want to do. Maybe it doesn't have to be at age 16, but it has to be sometime.
@morninggloria: I can't muster up too much sympathy for this. I feel kind of bad for the girls who wanted dresses and can't get them, but I mean, I wanted a prom that wasn't held in a Morton building next to a cattle pasture, and I didn't get that either.
I'm more worried about these girls not getting a math or science education than I am about the dresses, tbh. Prom is one night. Smart is forever.
@tscheese: Exactly. It would be better even if they gave them like, new running shoes or musical instruments or expensive test prep courses/books. Something that lasted awhile and that could help them explore their interests. Not just something to look pretty.
My prom was held in the cafeteria of my school. We packed up all of the lunch tables and had the DJ play near the place where we dropped off our trays to be washed. Tickets were $10.
@hortense: For me it was when I was actually IN college and my friends wanted to fly around the country and follow the football team and I couldn't afford plane tickets.
@morninggloria: True, but you CAN go to prom without spending much $$. You just can't go there in a limo with fake tan and nails and a spendy updo and a super-fancy dress.
So I get you, but I think they can learn a lesson about not being able to have everything, but still be able to have fun at a dance.
@bluebears: Exactly. I think these girls know they are walking to a store and buying a dress. And that these dresses have been worn and may have blemishes. This whole, "They gotta learn some time" attitude seems to show some ignorance of what it's like to be low-income.
@greengrey: Hmmm. If learning is the point of high school, should high schools do away with sports? Arts? Music? Yearbook clubs? Choir?
Some of y'all are being way harsh. So what if a low-income girl has her heart set on going to prom? Donatinge an effing dress and making her day doesn't seem like too much to give.
Jesus. Prom was lame, I didn't even buy a dress for my senior one - I borrowed a friend's - but gosh, even cynical me knows that it's an important night for some kids.
@shananigans aka cookie pants!: The whole prom ritual is part of modern American society and it isn't a recent thing -- it's been very much an event at least since the end of WWII, if not before.
I am in favor of everyone experiencing the event if it means something to them. And, no matter how much I support education, it is simply heartless to tell kids, "here's a book. Read that, and it will be better for you than a night out."
@BadenBaden: All of those activities/extracurriculars that you mentioned _are_ learning experiences. Being an editor of my high school yearbook was one of the most educational and formative parts of HS for me.
@BadenBaden: Sadly, most of what my classmates learned about planning the prom was that it was extremely important to have it at a hotel an hour away from our school so that "We'll just get a room and come home in the morning!" sounded plausible, logical, and sensible to their parents.
Before such charities and projects existed, it must have pretty humiliating for the literally poor girl or lad who could not afford to dress up for the prom. Did they stay away out of shame?
@Rare Affinity: My grandma missed her prom, but sewed dresses for her two younger sisters so that they could go. Honestly, I know it sounds ridiculous to say that one night can change someone's life, but the way my grandma views money (she hoards scrap paper, pens that don't work, things like that) vs. the way her younger sisters and brother view money (thrifty, but "normal") is incredibly different. I feel like as the eldest in a family where the two parents most frequently drank away their money, she really bore most of the stress of it. It's not that her younger siblings weren't in reality just as poor, but sometimes I think the little things, like having a prom dress, or a pair of new shoes when school started really helped.
And now I have to remember this the next time she drives me crazy retrieving a half-eaten apple from the garbage...
@Rare Affinity: In a word? Yes. I knew quite a few people in high school who couldn't go to prom or to any event that required any expenditure at all, and it was pretty raw.
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I think you may be the one with some misguided priorities. You've definitely never been poor and treated poorly due to your appearance.
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It's amazing that in Los Angeles, you could be inches away from gang territory and poverty and at-risk youths and not even realize it. By showing the positive community outreach that these organizations are doing, helps to shed light on things we otherwise may have taken for granted.
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Should charitable donations be funneled toward books and education? Well, as a public school teacher, I'm gonna go with a 'yes.' But one of my main complaints about charity is that it deprives those receiving it of choice.
The girls (and maybe boys - if the nontraditional gender expressions among high schoolers in DC are anything to go by) who get these dresses have very few choices. Generally, they cannot choose the food they eat (school subsidized), the education they get (tenuous at best), their location (geographic mobility is very limited) and many other things in their lives. This charity seems frivolous, sure, but it does allow for a modicum of choice.
I'd also like to point out that the ability to afford clothing has a huge impact on some one's sense of self. I'm sure many of the posters here mix thrift store, vintage, and retail. Try shopping ONLY at Goodwill or through clothing donations. I teach at a racially and economically integrated school - but you can tell who's rich and who's not immediately (generally by shoe quality) and it's used for social stratification among teenagers, like it or not.
Having to learn the hard lesson that there are some things they cannot afford is a lesson I'm guessing most of these girls have learned early. Please, stop being patronizing. People who are poor are aware of their own poverty and the limitations it causes.
And for those of you who chose not to attend prom - yeah, I chose not to eat ice cream for breakfast, but that's not going to help the person who cannot afford breakfast.
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Just because some girls are spoiled with $400 dresses and salon treatments, doesn't mean the girls from less fortunate families can't enjoy their moment. I wouldn't say prom makes or breaks someone's self esteem (it's called perspective), but there is something to be said for really dressing up for the first time and having pride in your appearance.
And frankly, I'm sort of disgusted by the posters on here who are judging those girls for caring just because they hated high school. Get over it.
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But I still hated prom!
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I would think people could stop being so bitter and cynical and realize how good it must feel for girls to get dolled up and have a night on the town, instead of comparing it to their own apathy towards prom and what low income people should and shouldn't do according to them.
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I don't think people realize a lot of people aren't afforded the luxury of going to swanky events and having wild weddings. Prom is the closet event to those for a lot of people.
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That's a symptom of our culture of excess and networks like MTV that glorify the Super Sweet Sixteen sort of behavior. Teenage girls with the means wont be able to resist the urge to keep up with the Jones's and that's when parents need to step up and be a parent.
03/27/09
There are talks of holding all dances next year in the school gym and having the events be free, which I totally support.
03/27/09
That being said, I think programs like this have their hearts in the right place; the extravagance probably isn't going anywhere anytime soon, and to provide girls with a chance to participate (as much as i loathe the entire prom culture) is a truly great thing.
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Kids go to prom who won't graduate or go to college.
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It appears I was not good enough to stalk.
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But I'll be damned if some poor girl is going to cash in her V-card while wearing ill fitting, payless shoes. She may have to make due with Boone's Farm. But she sure as hell doesn't have to sacrifice her feet.
Think of the Children, people!
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Life's hard, huh Aaron?
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If you have access to funds and find a worthy cause, donate. Otherwise, STFU.
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I can only imagine the pairs of shoes Zappos could be giving to these folks.
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I had absolutely no idea that people shell out $300+ for gowns and limo rides. None. I did not know that this was a thing that was considered normal.
I am actually a little gobsmacked from reading some of this. I bought a dress because I thought of attending the Banquet, but I didn't go. It was $49.99 at Sears. In 1998. I still have it.
I had NO IDEA. Agh, I feel clueless and old.
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I'm more worried about these girls not getting a math or science education than I am about the dresses, tbh. Prom is one night. Smart is forever.
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My prom was held in the cafeteria of my school. We packed up all of the lunch tables and had the DJ play near the place where we dropped off our trays to be washed. Tickets were $10.
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So I get you, but I think they can learn a lesson about not being able to have everything, but still be able to have fun at a dance.
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I thought learning was the point of high school...
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Some of y'all are being way harsh. So what if a low-income girl has her heart set on going to prom? Donatinge an effing dress and making her day doesn't seem like too much to give.
Jesus. Prom was lame, I didn't even buy a dress for my senior one - I borrowed a friend's - but gosh, even cynical me knows that it's an important night for some kids.
03/27/09
I am in favor of everyone experiencing the event if it means something to them. And, no matter how much I support education, it is simply heartless to tell kids, "here's a book. Read that, and it will be better for you than a night out."
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And now I have to remember this the next time she drives me crazy retrieving a half-eaten apple from the garbage...
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