• Michael Phelps isn't really looking for a girlfriend. "I am 23 now and if I went out with a girl she wouldn’t see much of me until I get past 30," he explains. That's just silly! Ladies see plenty of you. When you're wearing a swimsuit. [Daily Express]
• David and Victoria Beckham's "car crash" was actually just a car that got all scratched and jacked up when it was left parked at the airport. Posh's rep says: "There was no car crash." [Perez Hilton]
• Barack Obama has asked Jennifer Hudson to sing the national anthem on Thursday at the Democratic National Convention before his address. She is "thrilled" and "excited." [People]
• Was "vote or die" Diddy asked not to come to the DNC? [MSNBC]
• Oh, dear: Justin "I'm A Mac" Long seen kissing Kirsten Dunst. [Rush & Molloy]
• More barftastic car crash terrible can't-look-away Heidi Montag video pix. Sorry. [ONTD]

• Countess LuAnn de Lesseps of The Real Housewives of NYC got drunk at a wedding, knocked over a drumset, tried to make out with married men and grabbed crotches… or did she? Truth or smear campaign? [Page Six]
• Victoria's Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio is shopping pix of her newborn, Anja Louise, born Sunday in Brazil. Proceeds go to the Multiple Sclerosis Children's Fund. Any takers? [Page Six]
• Janeane Garofalo played Lauren Conrad in a staged reading of The Hills? Genius. [L.A. Times]
• Britney Spears' SUV took a wrong turn and ended up in L.A.'s Sunset Junction street fair, aka Hipster Central. She got out of there real quick. [E!]
• Courteney Cox was involved in a car crash while on vacation in Hawaii. She was driving a white BMW which collided with a red truck on Saturday. No one was injured. [Daily Mail]
• How does Paula Abdul feel about the new American Idol judge? "I am concerned about the audience and acceptance," she says. "Time will tell. We’ll see. [It's] going to be weird if it’s a split decision. I’m sure Simon will get to make the final [judgment]. [But that] takes the fun out of all the hard work I do to push those kids through." [MSNBC]
• Um, Rhys Ifans is in a band? Called The Peth? And their first single is called "Let's Go Fucking Mental"? And the video is of Rhys' colonoscopy? You can see it here. [Perez Hilton]
• Whee! Cloris Leachman and Susan Lucci to be on Dancing With The Stars! (Also: Kim Kardashian, Lance Bass, Toni Braxton, Misty May-Treanor and track star Maurice Green.) [Reuters]
• Madonna had to stop going to her gym because of "noise, leering, crude comments and wolf whistles of builders working nearby." Effing hell. [Mirror]
• Pam Anderson revelations: When asked "boobs or legs?" she says she is "more of a leg person" (?!?!?!) and when questioned about bikini waxing says, "I have not waxed anything in my entire life. An eyebrow, not an anything. I have never ever done that. It sounds too painful." [News.com.au]
• Spike Lee is upset with the people who think Barack Obama is not black enough. "I go by the 'one-drop rule.' One drop [of black blood], and you're black. The truth is, every African-American is biracial. Go back far enough, and you'll find the massah was in the slave quarters. You can't be black and go to Harvard Law School? You can't be black and be articulate?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Heath Ledger's uncle has failed to have his charges of receiving stolen goods dealt with and faces up to 14 years in jail. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• In a quest for relevance, Jessica Simpson has joined the Country Music Association. She gets special-rate health insurance and can vote in upcoming CMA Award nominations. Anyway, her album, Do You Know, comes out September 9 and Dolly Parton duets on the title track; after that you can go back to not caring about Jess. [Yahoo News]
• Kate Hudson is being sued by some scientists who claim she took their hair-care secret ingredient and gave it to a competitor. Something about volcanic ashes and flyaways. [The Root]
• Shannen Doherty is having fun shooting the new 90210: "It's been a really nice experience…We already have our little inside jokes." And! Lori Loughlin and Rob Estes play parents who are not like your usual sitcom couple. Estes says: "It's not a mom and dad who are home eating bon bons. It's a couple who's fucking! We'll clear the kitchen so fast, you don't know what to do with yourself." [Perez Hilton]
• OMG remember the 90210 action figures dolls? [Black Book]
• Yesterday reports claimed that Snoop Dogg was getting a visa to tour in Australia despite his criminal record; today officials are "rethinking" giving him permission to enter the country. He could be counseled before arrival and given strict behavior rules to abide by while down under. [Reuters]
• Harry Potter studio Warner Bros is suing Bollywood producers over a flick called Hari Puttar. [Telegraph]
• Actress Sophie Monk was seen walking out of a KFC in Hollywood with bags filled with food — she's bragged in the past about being a vegetarian and criticized KFC eaters, saying: "I think the message to KFC eaters (is that) you should think about what you're eating. If you're eating deformed animals that are being induced by hormones, you know, it can not be good for you." [News.com.au]
• Salman Rushdie's former bodyguard is apologizing over allegations he made regarding Rushdie's former marriage. [Independent]
• Trisha Yearwood survived a plane emergency: Her aircraft's window cracked at 30,000 feet. They never lost cabin pressure, fortunately. [People]
• "I think The Osbournes, to a degree, tarnished the public's perception of my dad as a bit of a senile, funny, bumbling guy. Yeah, my dad can be that guy, but it's not him. I think that almost discredited him as an artist. My dad's not an idiot — he's nothing short of a genius, in my opinion." — Jack Osbourne, who is producing a documentary on Ozzy. [Rolling Stone]
• RIP Aaliyah, who died this day in 2001. [The.Life Files]

The Accused: TMZ, owned by AOL
The Crime: Breast critique.
The Evidence: "Naomi Campbell's Lethal Weapons: Topless and wielding a Blackberry, supermess Naomi Campbell hung out in St. Tropez on Monday. Luckily, no one was injured by the mobile device — the sight of her pancake bosoms is a whole other story!"

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Breast fetishism.
The Evidence: "I know you Dallas Cowboy fans are probably freaking out seeing Jessica Simpson show up to Tony Romo’s training camp. And you should be, because those big tits are going to cost you the season. Don’t believe me? Those tits have cost me relationships. Just ask my ex-girlfriends who keep dumping my ass when I keep yelling her name out during sex. Anyway, enjoy the season suckas."

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Breast critique.
The Evidence: "Rihanna left boyfriend Chirs Brown (I have no idea who that is) at home last night while she hit the clubs in NYC in a kick ass see thru top. Although maybe I wish she hadn’t. That bitch is hot as hell but her breasts look kind of weird. I believe the technical term is, 'saucer nips.' I read that in a science magazine about women. It was called, 'Sexy Chocolate Mamas.'"

The Accused: IDLYITW
The Crime: Breast critique.
The Evidence: "Rihanna looks like a visitor from outer space sent to study us in preparation for the inevitable attack and colonization, so it's really no surprise that she looks even weirder without a bra. Her areolas look like they're infected."

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Disgustingness, not that it's a word
The Evidence: "Sophie Monk is a shitty actress with an even shittier resume of box office failures, but I doubt you'll care because her bikini is virtually see-through when it’s wet. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about this industry, it’s that you can be a boil on the ass of all things thespian and still get a job if you’re blond and have big tits. That goes double if you have a 'will do full-frontal' clause in your contract and don’t mind sucking a little director dick from time to time. On the other hand, those qualifications only hinder your chances for a job if you’re looking for a part-time position at a daycare or old folks home. Just trust me on that one."

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Encouragement of nudity; possible eye rape.
The Evidence: "Clearly Kristin Cavallari is never going to be anything other than a reality TV star if she keeps up this prudish behavior. Ruining some perfectly good pictures by wearing a bra under a thin see through T shirt? Come on you know better than that. If you’re going to make it in this business you’ve got to show a little something, give us a taste, a nipple slip an upskirt something."

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Mean-spirited lookism.
The Evidence: "What An Ugly Bitch! And we don't mean the dog! Everybody's favorite fug bitch, saMAN Ronson walked her infinitely cuter pooch, Wednesday in Los Angeles."

You may have noticed that there were no punishments this week. It's increasingly tough to mete out "funny" justice when these posts are infuriating. Young women love gossip sites: Are they learning that the best way to talk about famous people is to put them down?

Anyway: we're planning on overhauling Missdemeanors. We have some ideas, but feel free to make suggestions. And if you'd like to write "punishments" for these bloggers, please do so in the comments.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

• Cynthia Nixon, Distracted: Nixon is set to star in this Off Broadway play by Lisa Loomer about a mother "struggling to learn" whether her son has ADD. According to a previous review, Nixon's character plays more of a narrator to the play. Verdict: She may be a Victim, but it seems like the character is too removed from the story to garner a full verdict, so it all depends on how Nixon plays it.

• Halle Berry, Frankie and Alice: Berry will star and produce this "indie" film about a woman "struggling" with multiple personality disorder and a racist, white, other personality that preys upon her mind. Berry playing a white and black character? It's like Queen all over again! Except for the whole psychological disorder thing. Verdict: Racism and a mental disorder? Victim.

• Sophie Monk, Hardbreakers: Professional nobody Monk will be fleshing out her IMDB profile by starring in the straight-to-DVD film, Hardbreakers. The movie follows two hot and caraaazy single girls who are navigating the dating scene in LA. Monk will play a girl who "has been with a lot of guys." Verdict: This movie is so Z-List we shouldn't even be paying attention to it, but Monk sounds like she will be a pseudo-"feminist" slutty Hooker who will probably end up learning a special lesson about sleeping around once she meets Mr. Right.

• Keshia Knight Pulliam, Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail: Little Rudy from The Cosby Show will star in Perry's newest film as an imprisoned prostitute who is rescued by Perry's matriarch, Madea after she spends some time in jail.Verdict: The very obvious answer: Hooker.

• Ashley Tisdale, Teen Witch: Tisdale, who is apparently some sort of celebrity, will star in a remake of the pseudo-musical (and one of my personal favorite campy movies) Teen Witch. Tisdale will play an unpopular girl who learns she is a witch and then uses her powers to get back at the popular girls at school. She also makes her BFF perform a poorly lip-synched rap and watches impromptu dance performances by cheerleaders. Verdict: This movie is too campy and young to fall into any of the stereotypes.

Cynthia Nixon To Star In "Distracted" [Variety]
Queen [IMDB]
Halle Berry Set For "Frankie And Alice" [Variety]
Sophie Monk Signs For "Hardbreakers" [THR]
Crosby Daughter Hooks Up With "Madea" Comdey [THR via Yahoo!]
Teen Witch Rap Scene [Youtube]
Teen Witch- I Like Boys [YouTube]
Ashley Tisdale Graduates "High School" [THR]

• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to wed? Finally? Now that she is preggo with twins? OMG! [MSNBC]
  
• Did Britney get married when she went to Mexico last month? Maybe! Of course, her man, Adnan Ghalib, is already married. But! Wedding documents exist! Says a source. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Meanwhile, Britney seems to have made up with her mom; they went shopping yesterday. [People]
  
• The lyrics of a Spamalot song have been changed from referencing Britney Spears to name-dropping Posh Spice, because, says Eric Idle, "We don't laugh at sad people." [AP]
  
• Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin is pissed Beyoncé called Tina Turner "The Queen." Whoops. [People]

• Paris Hilton celebrated her 27th birthday by doing shot after shot of tequila. Related: Sky is blue. [Page Six]
• The Insider's Pat O'Brien is in rehab again, but does he have a special security detail? [Page Six]
• Spotted: Leighton Meester, aka Blair Waldorf of Gossip Girl, hanging with pot smokers. [Page Six]
• Janet Jackson, 41, feels like she should have a baby: "I get so much pressure from people I don't even know, and I think: 'My God, am I missing my moment?'" [Page Six]
• But, says Janet, "I might be allergic to marriage." [People]
• Gary Coleman: Secretly married a redhead, lost his virginity. Um, yeah. [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which recent mom is already bored with her new accessory? Despite pimping herself out to the celebrity mags as a loving parent, she is constantly finding reasons to leave the baby and 'escape.'" [Gatecrasher]
• Paris Hilton's little brother Barron was busted for DUI and guess who wouldn't bail him out? Paris apparently told him he needed to learn a lesson. [TMZ]
• Barron is out now, because his friends called a bail bondsman. [TMZ]
• And it looks like Barron doesn't have a valid driver's license, uh-oh. That's why his bail went from $5,000 to $20,000. [E!]
• Plus, before his arrest, Barron was driving the wrong way on the Pacific Coast Highway and also in wild circles, according to a witness. [TMZ]
• American Idol alum Jessica Sierra: No longer pregnant. No other details. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston spent her 39th birthday on the set of the flick she's shooting, but then had dinner and ice cream cake with the cast and crew. [People]
• Good Charlotte's Benji Madden and fiancée Sophie Monk: Dunzo. [People]
• Carla Bruni on her romance with French prez Nicolas Sarkozy: "They tell me that it all was too rapid... It was immediate. For us, it even seemed slow. Lovers, you know, have their own sense of time... I wished to marry him right away." [People]
• Actor Diego Luna is off the market! He married his girlfriend Camilla Sodi in Mexico City last week. Fortunately, he continues to be smoking hot. [ONTD]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was seen picking out a candy-covered Valentine's Day card that read "I can't (bear) to be without you" — there were gummy bears where "bear" was. [Mirror]
• Emma "Hermione Granger" Watson, 17, is dating Razorlight frontman and ex-junkie Johnny Borrell, 27. [ONTD]
• Tilda Swinton, 47, has a paramour named Sandro Kopp, 29. He met Swinton when he played a centaur in the Chronicles Of Narnia film. But Swinton also has a long-term partner, John Byrne, 67. Apparently they all live together with Swinton's ten-year-old twins, though no one dishes about the sleeping arrangements. [Daily Mail]
• Scarlett Johansson says she'll never go to paparazzi-plagued L.A. hotspot The Ivy: "I don't care how good the Cobb salad is. These tabloid magazines — I think they're hideous and the downfall of society." [MSNBC]
• Oh, and Scarlett's CD will be released on May 20. Tom Waits approved the covers she did of his songs, and David Bowie sings on a couple of tracks. [Reuters]
• Shakira donated a bejeweled bra for a charity auction, and a fan paid $3,000 for it. The money goes to Shaki's Bare Feet Foundation, which is constructing a school for impoverished kids in Colombia. [LA Times]
• Josh Kelley says being married to Katherine Heigl is "unbelievable." [People]