I TRIED SMIRNOFF SOURCE on the patio of one of those charming nautical-themed beach bars in Rhode Island over Memorial Day Weekend. You may remember Memorial Day; I would estimate my blood alcohol around the level at which I would have felt comfortable letting Lindsay drive and therefore do not remember much. I had been drinking all day for three days straight and was, at this point, using alcohol just to stay awake, which doesn't even make sense. Okay.

So I first noticed Smirnoff Source when one of my friends was holding a bottle of "water" that looked suspiciously like SmartWater, only glass. I asked her why the fuck she was drinking water and she said it wasn't water, but ALCOHOL IN WATER. I called her a liar and then promptly tried it. From what I remember, I didn't hate it and I hate all drinks that aren't beer or vodka or rum or tequila. I think the point of malt liquor is to allow young teenage girls who don't like the taste of alcohol to get drunk. But this didn't taste like your regular frat boy molester-tonic; and it wasn't nauseatingly sweet either. It was like synthetic green tea or lightly sweetened lemon water, and yet somehow there was alcohol (3.5%) in it.

Unfortunately the packaging left something to be desired; glass and sized for man-hands, most of the free promotional bottles were found shattered on the dance floor by the end of the night. (I hope Diageo has good insurance!) Another slight problem was that one of my more-drunk friends mistook the Source bottle for water (How could she? I mean it even says "SPRING WATER: with a touch of alcohol" in small print...) and then proceeded to vomit. A lot. ("It tastes just like water, only the WHOLE TIME IT'S DEHYDRATING YOU," she mused later.) For more veteran drunks such as myself, however, I think Smirnoff Source may even serve as a hangover helper due to its spring water content; I awoke the following afternon curiously merely groggy-ish (I had, admittedly, consumed a thousand or so calories worth of fries). But I'm not here to state scientific fact, I'm here to state my opinion. Which is: I would drink the Sauce, er, "Source" again, gladly, after a dozen or so real drinks. - CHERYL CAMPBELL

Paula Abdul 45th Birthday Party [Gatecrasher]
Earlier: In Which We Try Out A Little Moderation

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