Jezebel
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the not so blushing bride
Somebody's Getting Mah-Reeeed!
The jig is up. I'm getting hitched. I've been involved in a roller coaster whirlwind romance this summer, and after dating for a very brief time, I've decided to hang out with this guy until I die. (My "Pot Psychology" partner Rich said to me, "Who are you? Mariah Carey?") And that actually made this whole thing seem even more appealing. But really, while it did happen very, very quickly (some of my friends didn't even know I was seeing anybody), I'm pretty confident in this decision. After all, I haven't really left that many stones unturned, and almost immediately after meeting him, I knew this was it. So I'm officially retiring the old bedpost. That shit's been whittled down to like a toothpick anyway. It recently occurred to me that I might be one of the only girls whose reputation is ruined by committing to one guy for the rest of my life.
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By TracieComment by JessicaLovejoy: Laughing, riding, cornholing!: So you've found someone to change your tampon in front of, eh? 9 Responses | Other threads
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tube time
Tube Time is a live game show in which contestants battle each other by showing their favorite viral videos. It's part of the New York Underground Film Festival, and I (Tracie) will be competing in it this Saturday, April 5, at 10:30 pm at Anthology Film Archives. You can purchase tix here.
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By TracieComment by magiciannamedgob: damn! I'm actually in NYC this weekend but I am going to a bday "soiree" (actual invitation description, kill me... more » | Other threads
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pot psychology
"Will I Look Like A Whore If I Keep A Supply Of Magnums?"
It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the advice column in which everyone's problems are solved with an "herbal" remedy. (Did we mention? Don't do drugs!) Gawker Media videographer Alex Goldberg filmed me and my friend Rich — who, like last time, played the role of sidekick — attempting to tackle issues like cheating, jealousy and dudes who try to sneak the d in the b . (Note that I said "attempting".) Got a burning question? Send it to tips@jezebel.com with "Pot Psychology" in the subject line. (Please keep them short; they're verrrry hard to read when stoned.)
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By Slut MachineComment by prestocaro, now in stick figure form on BPT!: And Rich was just blogging about how he loves a female with good neck snap control! Anal crystal sex with a... more » | Other threads
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pot psychology
"How Many Times Is Too Many To Take Plan B In A Month?"
It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the advice column in which everyone's problems are solved with an "herbal" remedy. (Did we mention? Don't do drugs!) Gawker Media videographer Alex Goldberg filmed my answers this time, so I wouldn't have to deal with typing. Talking actually seemed just as difficult, 'cause my friend Rich — who was side-kickin' it — and I had the giggles something awful. And if you're wondering, the dude in the background was holding a fire extinguisher, just in case my Christmas tree — which is still in my living room — caught on fire from being dead and dry. (I was super paranoid about it.) Got a burning question? Send it to tips@jezebel.com with "Pot Psychology" in the subject line. More »
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By Slut MachineComment by MissYuk: Although i'm not sure where Zooey Deschanel stands on being open and honest about enjoying sex like SM...she seems like... more » | Other threads
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pot psychology
"Do Some Men Just Prefer The Long, Hard Gymnastic Bang?"
Welcome to the first installment of "Pot Psychology". Judging from the response we received from our call for questions for this column, I can safely say that you guys are nuts. Not necessarily because of your issues, but because so many of you are willing to take the advice of a stoner. Frankly though, I don't blame you, 'cause actually my herbal advice is sage. Also, you're enabling me to get paid... for getting high. (Remember kids: don't do drugs!!!). After the jump, I weigh in on readers' issues regarding bisexuality, big dicks, rough sex and slimy, cheating men. [Note: Slut's answers are unedited. -Ed.]
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By Slut MachineComment by spelle: make: a) since b) sense c) scents d) cents i think i see why you dont get it. @cannotedit: more » | Other threads
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words of advice
You Asked, We Answered: Introducing "Pot Psychology"
Who says we're qualified to offer advice on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness? No one! But based on your emails and comments, you want it anyway, so, beginning next week, we'll be debuting a new column, "Pot Psychology", to be headed up by none other than our own Slut Machine. The marijuana connoisseur will be answering readers' most pressing questions amidst an incoherent, herb-impaired haze. Fun! But she can't offer answers unless readers ask, so send us your most pressing questions (send to tips@jezebel.com with "Pot Psychology" in the subject header) and keep an eye out for her first column towards the end of next week.
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introductions
Meet "Slut Machine": Jezebel Spiritual Leader, No Longer In Hiding
My friends have asked me for some time whether "Slut Machine" is my alter ego, and though careful readers would probably realize that's impossible, today is finally the day to dispel all the rumors and unveil the slut. Slut Machine is actually the nom de plume of one Tracie Egan. Tracie and I share a lot of things: lapsed Catholicism, alcoholism, maybe a sex partner... is that redundant? But rape fantasy, which she bravely wrote about in this month's Vice under her authentic name, is not one of them, not that there's anything wrong with that. Anyhow, not to sound like I'm giving some sort of warped wedding toast, but I think of Tracie as a sort of noble enabler. Like, only Tracie could get me to come over to her kitchen — in Brooklyn — on a Sunday night and get smeared with nine layers of makeup so as to authentically reenact the historic Lindsay Lohan/Vanessa Minillo knifeplay photos. (Which is why she looks like a self-described "old whore" in these photos, shot by the sadistic Nikola Tamindzic, to use her words.)
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the lady bunch
Elisabeth Hasselbeck Threatens To Flash Barbara Walters
I've been saving a lot of money on sunscreen this summer by watching so much daytime TV. So what if Oprah and Tyra have been reruns? They still have me talking to the TV, even though it might be stuff I already said to it earlier this season. This week for The Lady Bunch, Tyra cements her fag haggotry by cozying up with Clay Aiken; Ross the Intern and Paula Abdul both take turns in the guest co-host seat on The View; and Oprah can admit when she's wrong—when it comes to her wig choices. After the jump, more on this week's shows. More »
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By TracieComment by hammergirly: By younger brother roomed with Ross their freshman year in College. VERY sweet boy. I'll never forget their voice mail... more » | Other threads
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the lady bunch
Joy Behar Is Horny For Rhino Love
The View is back! The View is back! I couldn't be more excited. Pass me the Astroglide, because I think I just grew a dick and I wanna stick it in a man's anus—that's how wonderfully gay the lineup was all week on our favorite morning gab fest. Joan Rivers! Jackie Collins! Mary Tyler Moore! Mario Cantone! Plus, Oprah had on a large Catholic family in which four of the six children grew up to be gay, and then of course, there's Tyra, who's really just a big ol' drag queen living in the body of a walking weave. After the jump, recaps on this week's episodes. More » -
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By TracieComment by RainbowBrite: OMG TOPANGA! I wanted her hair SO bad. I also wanted to make out with Ryder Strong and would actually... more » | Other threads
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By TracieComment by evangeline: Oprah was so funny and cute in the clip. I think she should make a baby with Nate. Nate could... more » | Other threads
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By TracieComment by EvilTequilaTwin: That girl is on some serious shit. And has been for some time. I saw her in a bar... more » | Other threads
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victims of typecasting
Amy Winehouse Onscreen Not So Different Than Amy Winehouse Offscreen
Since losing all that weight and gaining all that back-comb, Amy Winehouse has been looking like a cracked-out whore—and now she's playing one on cable TV! Thanks to photographer/film director David LaChappelle, who directed Winehouse's latest video, "These Tears Dry on Their Own" (probably the best single from Back to Black), we get to see what it would be like if Amy were a hooker on Hollywood Boulevard. (Spoiler alert: It's sorta the same as her regular life!) The upswing, though, is that every single extra in the video is sinfully ugly, which comparatively makes Amy look kinda pretty. —Slut Machine More »
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By TracieComment by bitsy boozer: You'd think she could muster, like, AN expression, for a song that's so full of emotion... more » | Other threads
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By MoeComment by nacho_supreme: Was that TOPANGA from Boy Meets World in the "do you like your bootie" segment? Fuck! more » | Other threads
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By AnnaComment by LipstickLibrarian: @girlinterrupted: The Dented Clam. LOVE IT. more » | Other threads
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point, counterpoint
What To Expect When You're Expecting Too Much From A Movie
Yesterday, hackles were raised after one of us responded to all the hate being directed at the film "Knocked Up" with a sort of love-letter to the film. However, in the interest of being fair and balanced (like Roger Ailes!) we've decided to present a dissenting opinion on the film, which, if all the emails and comments we've been getting reflect an accurate representation of contemporary female reality (which of course they do!) has divided American women in a way only previously seen by, uhm, the whole Is-Zach-Braff-hot question. (Answer: No.) Herewith, Slut Machine's take on the weekend's second biggest box-office champion.
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By AnnaComment by WareZethus: love the review. the idea for salsacles saved me from the horror that was this movie. i'm still laughing. more » | Other threads
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By AnnaComment by PhillyLass: Barbara gave the hookers hope for what, exactly? more » | Other threads
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By AnnaComment by monaflambe: Perhaps if one would stop, uh, stretching that area, it would shrink back a bit? Just axin'. more » | Other threads
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By AnnaComment by evangeline: i wish one entire episode of oprah was as entertaining as this mash-up. more » | Other threads
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midweek madness
Slut Machine's Midweek Madness: Lindsay: Fully (Re)-Loaded
This week's Star publishes a rather glowing two-page spread about Lindsay Lohan's commitment to her new-found sobriety, despite numerous reports that suggest otherwise. In keeping with her clean-living, Star reports, Lindsay has been drinking tons of Kombucha, a tea brewed from bacteria and yeast. (Glad to know the yeast is going in and not the other way around!). More »
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