Beato believes that though online shopping is "largely functional," commercials are "noisy and insistent," while catalogs are "serene" and "aspirational." And more enjoyable, in my opinion.

Beato muses:

The beauty of the catalog is that while its sales pitch is relentless, it's a quiet, meditative kind of relentlessness. It's hard to drift off into reveries about how much better the perfect overnight bag could make your life while shopping at Amazon or Zappos. There's too much filtering to do, too much waiting for the screen to refresh, too many tiny product shots fighting for your attention at once. Slowly making one's way through the serene, uncluttered pages of the latest Design Within Reach catalog, however, it's easy to start thinking that all that really stands between you and true happiness is a sofa that takes advantage of "recent technical advances" and yet nonetheless evokes the "soft, less machined brand of modernism [that] first arose in the United States in the 1930s." Or hell, maybe even a $60 stainless steel tape dispenser that functions like "desktop architecture" would do the trick.

And sometimes people actually look forward to catalogs: Take SkyMall, for instance. As Meghan Daum writes for the LA Times: "As the holiday travel season descends on us, with its never-ending flight delays and shouting matches over carry-on luggage, don't tell me that flipping through the SkyMall catalog isn't one of the few pleasures left in commercial air travel."

Daum interviewed Christine (not Christina) Aguilera, the CEO of SkyMall, who says that "the airline passenger is a great consumer, a fabulous audience," and that SkyMall's demographic is rather highbrow; the average customer is college educated and earns at least $75,000 a year. Yet, somehow, catalogs get no respect — some people throw them right in the trash.

Of course, SkyMall doesn't clog up your mailbox — and it has the benefit of being seen by multiple people before it's thrown away. In an economic downturn, other companies aren't as lucky: According to Beato,

Earlier this year, Macys, Inc. stopped sending out its Bloomingdale's By Mail catalog in order to concentrate resources on the Bloomingdales.com website. Williams-Sonoma, Inc., which also owns Pottery Barn and West Elm in addition to its own eponymous chain, is reducing its total catalog pages by half in 2011. J. Crew is sending out its catalog to 27 percent fewer households.

Still, Beato admits that he'll miss catalogs when they're gone, and I will too: You can't recreate glossy pages, cool photography and the lean-back-and-browse experience on the internet. Plus, checking out Amazon.com in the tub or on the toilet just isn't the same.

Where The Consumer Is King: In Praise Of Mail-Order Catalogs [Reason]
Requiem For The Soft Sell Of The Catalog [Newser]
SkyMall: A Catalog With Altitude [LA Times]

Earlier: More SkyMall: The Mile-High Commerce Club
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall

1. Hair Max Laser Comb
For: Your uncle with the receding hairline?
Because if there's one thing that can solve any problem on earth, it's lasers. Everyone knows that. This thing has NINE lasers, for nine times the pain efficiency! The $495 price tag is a drawback; you'd better have a lot of cousins who want to chip in.

2. Break-resistant Wine Glasses
For: Your Aunt Alkie?
Thanksgiving will be less embarrassing! But be warned: Auntie may experience a major drop in productivity, and you may have to drive her home.

3. X5 Hair Laser or Toppik
For: Your other Uncle with the receding hairline?
Notice how the dead forest of hair becomes a thicket? It's magic! And the spray-on hair is better than that toupee.

4. G Defy Sneakers
For: Your friend who just had a baby?
More energy, pain relief, etc. And the little sperm logo is just adorbs.

5. Remote-Controlled Tarantula
For: Your Goth niece?
The black widow will help her on her mission to frighten her parents in brand new ways.

6. Stainless Steel Wallet
For: Your tightwad brother?
He's obsessed with counting every cent, and he doesn't even know about radio-frequency hacking. Encourage — and manage — his paranoia.

7. Slanket
For: Yourself
Yeah, it's sooo 2008. Call me when you're cold and typing and wishing your blanket had sleeves.

8. Digital Notepad
For: Your BFF who's getting married?
She can scribble notes about seating charts, her gown and flower arrangements and then email them to a batch of people, 9 out of 10 of whom will hit "delete."

9. Forest Faces
For: Your own lawn. Sure, they're horrifying — and thus, they keep the neighborhood kids living in fear, far from your property.

10. Rock Lamp
For: Your sister who longs to be one with the earth and also smokes a lot of pot. The flame looks so cool when you're stoned.

11. CoverTiques
For: Your coworker who's always showing waaaay too much cleavage. Just leave it on her chair, with a note from "Secret Santa."

12. Litter Robot
For: The crazy cat lady in your life; bonus if she's a sci-fi fan. Kitty's going into space!

13. Peanuts Nativity
For: The aging hippie in your life, who'll think it's funny that Woodstock is the baby Jesus.

14. Head Spa Massager
For: Anyone you want to see looking like a fool.

15. King Tut Lifesize Sarcophagus Cabinet
For: Your mummy. Obvs.

16. The Inspirers Collection™ Portraits
For: Black people. Seriously, they should call this "stuff black people like." My Great Uncle Julius would move his Roots mural and hang these over his couch if he were still alive.

17. Happy Feet
For: Your Jimmy Choo-obsessed friend. Dare her to wear them out of the house.

18. Warm Whiskers Neck Wrap
For: Your nephew who wants to be Gunther Gable or either Siegfried or Roy when he grows up. Throw in something sequined; he'll thank you later.

No presents here… It's just that sometimes, we post a Photoshop Of Horrors and someone will ask, "why don't they just use illustrations?" Here's your answer: Some companies do! The results are terrifying.

Last, but not least:
19. No! No!
For: Honestly, I'm not sure who could benefit. But I do think it's interesting that the girly pink one costs $30 more than the manly red one.

Earlier: 8 Products From SkyMall You Can Use To Kill Someone
SkyMall: Shopping The Friendly Skies For Pointless Products
More SkyMall: The Mile-High Commerce Club

The problem with airplanes — and travel in general — is that once I'm on one, I never actually want to do the things I think I'm going to want to do beforehand. I thoughtfully loaded my iPod with eight hours of un-listened Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me! and This American Life episodes, and the new Gossip album: The device stays in my pocket. I schlepped my laptop aboard with a full battery: I will not open it. I brought 2666, intending to finally read it: I won't. The problem with in-flight movies is that they suck, and they let you concentrate on just how uncomfortable your seat is. The problem with novels is eyescratch. The problem with looking at a screen is looking at a screen. On a plane, I always need something else, and I never know what it is. It's a difficult task for any media to successfully anticipate — and meet — needs you can't name.

Which is why inflight magazines can be truly dismal, generally because they mistake their subject for "travel" in the narrow, genre sense of the word: tedious evergreen stories about A New Resort On An Island I Will Never Visit, Which Nonetheless Seems Very Similar To Numerous Islands Featured In Other Travel Stories I Have Read. How many times have you read the One Night In Prague story?

Or, mindful of ad pages, they hawk pages' worth of overpriced gadgets that are uninteresting mainly for being comparatively less ridiculous than the overpriced gadgets in SkyMall. (Oh, how many hours I have killed with SkyMall and its kitchen bench automatic stainless steel tomato pots.) That and somebody always fills in half the crossword, in ballpoint, and then gives up.

But if you think about it, the in-flight magazine — done right — has the potential to publish only really fascinating, enlightening writing: the world is its topic, and after all, it has a kind of captive audience. United's Hemispheres starts each issue off with Dispatches, a Talk Of The Town-ish section that runs story-lets on the things you didn't even know you never knew about: Josephine Baker's 15th Century mansion in the French countryside. Old men who take up positions outside of Wrigley Field in the hopes of catching stray balls. A terrible London musical about Ernest Hemingway's suicide. Then there are the features, like the one I read yesterday about a man who's hunting for Solomon Guggenheim's lost silver. Writer Rachel Sturtz even scored a rare audience with the street artist JR, and produced a wonderful profile of him. So what if there are a few too many pictures of $300 stereos and the occasional bullshit puff piece mars the lineup: this thing made out of paper and glue keeps me awake, and makes me learn things I didn't know before.

I think inflight magazines can achieve this kind of greatness because they are not gendered. They therefore avoid both the mannered meta inanities of Esquire, and the thick-headed condescension of Vogue. These are general publications, forced to at least attempt to interest an audience that comprises anyone who travels by air, for any reason. It never occurred to me before, but the artificial sensory deprivation chamber that is the jet plane might just provide a better opportunity than anywhere else for appreciating the printed word.

Yesterday, when I realized I'd get to read a different issue of Hemispheres than the one that was on the planes I took to New Zealand last month, I actually got a little bit excited. I haven't felt that way about reading a women's magazine in years — even though those are significantly easier to acquire on the newsstand.

Hemispheres [Official Site]
The Worst Celebrity Profile Ever Written? [Slate]

Photographer Publishes Plight Of Women Worldwide
Reluctant Esquire Writer Admits That New "Sexiest Woman Alive" Is A Series Of Pretty Parts
Vogue: There Are Dumber Things To Read This Weekend, But At Least 'Baldo' Has A 10% Chance Of Being Funny

1. Air Gun

The trick with this is to lodge the ping-pong ball in the victim's throat, thereby blocking the airway to the lungs and suffocating him. It may take some time, and isn't good for fast-moving targets. It is good for people who won't shut the fuck up, however.

2. The Nuclear Globe

This inflatable ball may look like tons of fun, but imagine sending your victim into shark-infested waters? Or a river that — unbeknownst to him — has a steep and rocky waterfall? There may also be a way to kill or maim someone with that "Floating Fiesta" thing but I haven't figured it out yet. Suggestions welcome.

3. Jäger Tap

Simple: Replace the Jäger with antifreeze or some kind of homemade hemlock juice. Cheers!

4. Lawn Aerator Sandals

A swift kick to the face with these spiked shoes will maim; a subsequent stomping should kill.

5. My Muletto

I find the word "muletto" vaguely offensive, but I like the idea of being able to somehow use these straps to drive the heel of your shoe into a victim's eye socket. They should make the strap out of bungee cord, actually, so the shoe boomerangs back after doing damage.

6. Animated Hitch Critters

All you really have to do is drive in front of someone with this crap on the back of your car. Surely they'll be all "WTF" and distractedly tailgate; just swerve away and you'll never be a suspect in the resulting fiery crash.

7. BodyGard 5-In-1 Emergency Tool

Between the glass breaker and the seat belt cutter, it should be easy to dispatch someone in an "emergency." Especially if you're on an airplane. Or in a submarine. (If only Charlie on Lost had been able to break that glass!)

8. Batman Begins Cane Sword

Self-explanatory. Adding the ring and money clip would be a nice touch, but is not mandatory.

Earlier: SkyMall: Shopping The Friendly Skies For Pointless Products

More SkyMall: The Mile-High Commerce Club

Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'

Urban Outfitters, Free People & Anthropologie: What's The Difference?

You've heard of "gilding the lily"? It's when you adorn something that is already beautiful or perfect, thereby sort of ruining it. Well, these roses are hand-dipped in gold, for some unfathomable reason. They "last a lifetime" but actually are only weirdly intriguing for 20 seconds. Or less.

($59.99 or one dozen for $598.99)

Footie pajamas have made a huge comeback. The Vermont Country Store had 'em in plaid, and Jumpin Jammerz offers penguins, lips, guitars, ducks, pink, camo and skulls. Also? It's not weird at all that that pigtailed woman is doing a split. Nope, not at all.

($59.99-$76.99)

This is the kiddie LoJack. Straight out of a James Bond film, the "watch" is actually a tracer. Grown-ups can find their kids in a crowd or backyard by using the tracker, which points to the general direction of the child. Of course, by that time, any kid worth his salt will have attached the thing to the dog.

($99.99)

Um, if your problems are this bad, shouldn't you see a professional? Psychiatrist, that is?

($43.95)

Oooh, lasers. For your head. Sure, sure. This dude totally has that "Shit it's not working" look in his eyes.

(LaserComb, $545 for 9 beams; $395 for 5 beams)

When you hide the litter box in a pot with a fake potted plant, people are bound to ask you why your faux-liage fucking reeks.

($129.99)

Which is sadder? That this product exists, or that some poor soul is thinking, "Hmm, Grandma needs that."

($39.98)

No lie: This is a fantastic idea. Two, please!

($54.95)

This pornographic device is a "core exerciser" that simulates horseback riding, which does not explain why the woman in the ad is watching swimming on TV. Also, the fact that this copy reads, "Sit there and enjoy the ride" seems to be enough evidence for sexual harassment in the workplace.

($519.99)

When you push a button on this "featherweight" wallet, it ejects the corresponding credit card. And the cool thing is, it's not bulky, weird, large, cumbersome, unwieldy or too big for the pocket of your jeans!

($39.99 for six card model; $59.99 for 12 card)

This is not haute couture. This is horrifying. It's a ($375) 6 ft. 3 in. woman with a light bulb for a head. The only thing worse would be some kind of yeti or Big Foot sculpture.















Nevermind.

($98.95)

[SkyMall]

Earlier: SkyMall: Shopping The Friendly Skies For Pointless Products

Sur La Table: Expensive, Accidentally Sexy Cookware

Victoria's Secret's "Last Minute Gifts": Whose Fantasy Is This, Anyway?

Neiman Marcus "Big 100 Gifts": 100% Overpriced, 100% Stupid

Lands' End: Practical Presents, Pleasantly Priced

Uncommon Goods: Quirky Stuff For The Person Who Already Has Everything

Brooks Brothers: This Christmas, WASPs Are Mad For Plaid

Bloomingdale's "Gifted": Overpriced Brand Names R Us

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog

J. Crew's "Very Merry Gift Guide"

The Vermont Country Store: For Old Alcoholics & The Kids Who Enable Them

Bergdorf Goodman: My Kingdom For A Fountain Pen

Barneys New York: Shiny Happy People & Crazy Expensive Clothes

Anthropologie "Giving": We Love To Hate & Hate To Love It

'Tis The Season For Crappy Christmas Gifts

Hey, did you know the president of SkyMall is named Christine Aguilera? Imagine making restaurant reservations. The crushing disappointment of the maître d'.

"Leave no wine behind!" LOL. For the alcoholic on your list.

($399 for 12-bottle case)

"Have a clever alternative to glancing at your watch during long meetings," reads the copy for the hideous TimeMug. Your choice of original or rhinestone. The text also claims, "Never be late for an appointment." So if you buy one, and you are late, can you sue?

($29.95)

So your uncle wants to start selling off his WWII crap on eBay? Hook him up with a tabletop photo studio. ($79.95) And your aunt throws crazy Christmas parties? She obviously needs a snow-machine snowman. ($149.95)

What are the chances your nephew can put out someone's eye with a marshmallow shooter? Don't you kind of want to find out?

($24.95)

Someday we're going to be like, "When I was young there was this thing called a piggy bank." Meanwhile, kids today are learning the word "overdrawn."

($69.95)

There are quite a few hot-dog related items in SkyMall. This one makes heartburn for two. Romantic!

($49.95)

The time is 12:45 on this "unconventional timepiece," a fucked up clock designed to make your head explode. Great gift for the boss!

($59.95)

A robot shark (with submersible remote control) is actually pretty great, especially if you have a swimming pool. Freak out the neighbor's kids! Choose from hammerhead or bull shark — soundtrack to Jaws not included.

($99.95)

This is the droid you're looking for: Voice-activated R2D2 plays tag, follows you or turns into a security guard, sounding an alarm when someone enters a "secure area." May the force be with you if you don't see how awesome this is.

($119.95)

If you know someone really serious about partying, invest in this iPod amp on wheels. It also has jacks for a microphone and an instrument, in case a sing-along is in order.

($299)





Wasting away in Margaritaville just got easier: A programmable drink machine seems like the perfect thing to add to the company kitchen. Maybe all your coworkers can chip in for one?

($379)

It's kind of crazy to taunt people trapped on a long flight with thoughts of booze and snacks the airline doesn't actually serve. Also: What is up with the hot dog obsession? Stainless steel Margarator makes a gallon of margaritas. ($129.99)



Antique popcorn maker in black or red. ($299.99)

Retro kettle popcorn maker makes a gallon of popcorn in one batch. ($99.99)

Retro hot dog roller cooks 8 dogs at a time. ($59.99)

Do you hate when the butter's too hard to spread? (Heh, heh.) Ever thought to yourself, "Surely this is a problem that a mere 50 bucks can solve." Lo and behold: Butter wizard! This contraption "lets you fine tune the temperature to suit your taste." Thank the Lord.

($49.99)

Tomorrow: SkyMall part two — Footie pajamas, LoJack for kids and pornographic exercise equipment!

[SkyMall]

Earlier: Sur La Table: Expensive, Accidentally Sexy Cookware

Victoria's Secret's "Last Minute Gifts": Whose Fantasy Is This, Anyway?

Neiman Marcus "Big 100 Gifts": 100% Overpriced, 100% Stupid

Lands' End: Practical Presents, Pleasantly Priced

Uncommon Goods: Quirky Stuff For The Person Who Already Has Everything

Brooks Brothers: This Christmas, WASPs Are Mad For Plaid

Bloomingdale's "Gifted": Overpriced Brand Names R Us

Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog

J. Crew's "Very Merry Gift Guide"

The Vermont Country Store: For Old Alcoholics & The Kids Who Enable Them

Bergdorf Goodman: My Kingdom For A Fountain Pen

Barneys New York: Shiny Happy People & Crazy Expensive Clothes

Anthropologie "Giving": We Love To Hate & Hate To Love It

'Tis The Season For Crappy Christmas Gifts