• Pornstar/Tiger Woods mistress Joslyn James watched his apology live today at a press conference with lawyer Gloria Allred. James said she still wants, "An apology, one that was meaningful and that meant something, and I didn't hear none of that..."

• This morning Charlie Sheen reported that his SUV, which he left in his open garage with the keys in the ignition, had been stolen. Later it was found totaled at the bottom of a ravine.

• Stephanie Seymour's divorce from Peter Brant is getting even uglier. After police were called to the couple's home following Seymour's complaint that Brant's security assaulted her, Brant has accused the model of drug use and is seeking sole child custody:

• Lindsay Lohan's "post-breakup makeover" involved getting her hair dyed red and getting a tattoo. [People]
• This column calls Lindsay a "celebutard" who is "painfully thin" and "in the middle of an emotional meltdown." [NY Post]

Barack Obama sure picked the right time to go on a secret vacation with Rihanna! The blind guy is STILL MAKING NEWS. Now it's co(mg)caine. Barack Obama did cocaine in the eighties. Who cares if the blind governor did cocaine in the eighties? Barack Obama probably gave it to him, and Barack Obama didn't have blindness…

• Yeah, how do we know when the this fucking nomination process has gone on too long? When the candidates' lives have not only been covered breathlessly in US Weekly, ostensibly dignified magazines like The New Republic have started co-opting their "if they mated" feature. [TNR]
  
• The Hillary campaign is now pinning its…