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Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?

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deitybox
01/14/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
SCENE: Deitybox and husband-then-boyfriend (HTB) have been dating for about 5 months. One morning, as DB is getting dressed:

HTB: Hey, you look thin!

DB gives HTB STARE OF DEATH

HTB: ....ER!! ThinnER!!

STARE OF DEATH

HTB:.....fuck.
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Maulleigh
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
In the boyfriend's defense, it is annoying when people complain about stuff but don't do anything about it. My ex hated his job that he'd been at for years but is probably still at that crap-ass job.
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LimitedLiabilityGirl
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
the top of the "normal" weight range for a woman who is 5'2" is 136.

Ahahahahhaha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahhaha.

Oh dear. Yeah, BMI is bullshit.
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Fridge Hussy : Is finally heading back to uni!
01/13/09

@LimitedLiabilityGirl: Whenever people talk of BMI being a magic measure of health, I just think "Serena Williams!"

Also, in my experience as a "normal" BMI'ed woman, it doesn't stop people from calling you chubby and fat.
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hellosunshine
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
If you say it like this:

"I want to marry someone thinner."

To your live-in girlfriend of three years in anger at something rather innocuous that she said, then no, it's not okay, and she will remember it a year later when she's planning to break up with you.

She will also post a run-on sentence about it.
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Kivrin
01/13/09

@tinycowboyhats (hellodarling!): Whoa! People say stupid things in anger, but they also need to own up to (and apologize for) those things once the angry moment has passed. I hope you got an apology for that one!
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lilyblaze
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
I was the insecure woman in the relationship for a long time. In my late teens, I dated this asshat who had pictures of models all over his walls and would look at them while we did it. He left filled out personals looking for "tall, thin beautiful girls" where I could see them. When we first met, I was a size 10, but I had ballooned up to a 16 in a few months from the emotional eating (he was very controlling and manipulative, and tried to isolate me from my friends). He'd never tell me straight-out that I needed to lose the weight, but we were once looking at RIchard Kern's New York Girls when he complained that one of the slim models was "obese." When I got on his case about it, he gave me this long lecture on his conception of beauty and how I didn't fit it. He'd tell me that he could get skinny girls and didn't know what he was doing with me. But every time I wanted out of the relationship, he'd sweet-talk me back into it and this went one for almost a year. I'd try to lose weight for him, but always ended up failing.

BTW, this guy was no prize, either. He was 5'8" but convinced himself that he was 5'11", and didn't want to admit that he had a receding hairline in his mid-twenties. He also wore Egyptian-style guyliner and the white pancake foundation he wore always stained his black shirt collars.

I still pat myself on the back for my fat ass cheating on him while I was at a Mudhoney show and dumping him for someone much nicer and appreciative.

And when other people pressure you to lose weight, or when you try to do it for them, it never, ever works. That asshole in the video ain't no prize, either.
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Fridge Hussy : Is finally heading back to uni!
01/13/09

@lilyblaze: I'm so sorry you went through that. Kudos for dumping the bugger, though!
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The Queen of No
01/13/09

@lilyblaze: The unattractiveness of your ex seems almost like a parody. Thank god you got out of that!
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LoSpaz
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
I wrestle with this. My husband is overweight. He should weigh about 185, he weighs about 270. So it's not just a few pounds. And the doctor told him he was going to die by 40 if he didn't make some serious lifestyle changes. He's 31. So I'm scared. But I have no idea how to address it. He doesn't like the way he looks. I'm terrified to say anything because I had lots of weight critics in family members and friends growing up and, whether related or not, also struggled with anorexia.
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keep it under cover
01/13/09

@LoSpaz: Don't be scared to offer encouragement. The doctor already broke the hard news to him. Trust me, he NEEDS you to say something because he can't face this alone.
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Plum-Pie
01/13/09

@appels+oranjes: Feel free to ignore this if it's not appropriate.

Would you feel comfortable talking to him about some of the sources of stress in his life? I'm assuming (quite possibly wrongly!) that it's an emotional response to something serious in the past or something (maybe)smaller but ongoing in the present?

In my experience, things like keeping a stress diary, learning to meditate/other relaxation techniques and getting more sleep, can be really useful.

I also understand that the 'Health at Every Size' has produced really good health outcomes for participants. [en.wikipedia.org]
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Tart of Darkness
01/13/09

@LoSpaz: You are doing something to deal with the anorexia, yes? Eating a balanced, healthy diet? Tell him you love him, you don't want to lose him and that both of you will be better off eating a healthy, balanced diet and going for a walk together every day.

Don't focus on appearance (yours or his) or numbers of pounds lost and so forth. Just make the changes in your life and invite him along.

Compliment both your and his accomplishments in terms of behavioral changes and health changes, like lower cholesterol, etc. rather than focusing on pounds lost or appearance. "I'm glad we are getting out and spending this time together" is much more encouraging than "I'm glad you're finally losing that gut". Let him reflect on the changes in his body.

But there is a limit to what you can do. He does have to choose to eat the healthy foods you and he buy and fix and not sabotage himself. He has to choose to go walking with you. He has to choose to find something to do with his free time that isn't eating.
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that's what she said
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
Last week I was complaining to my boyfriend about one of my bosses for about 20 minutes and his response was, "uhh...ok." I got ridiculously frustrated.

This is because when guys hear you complain (and I think we can all relate to this), they want to help you solve the issue. I have never had a boyfriend try to fully sympathize with my problems without trying to solve them. I'm not saying all guys are like this, but every single guy I have ever interacted with has been.

I don't see how this weight issue is any different. When a girl is complaining about a problem, their boyfriend (or quite possibly any man in their life) is not just going to sit there and sympathize with them. They are going to give them the steps to solve the problem.

On that note, any time I complain about my weight (which has been often lately because I recently put on some) my boyfriend will encourage me to go to the gym. I don't take it personally. I know he's telling me to go to remind me and motivate me.

I guess I really can't say that I think this guys motivation is sinister...
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Fridge Hussy : Is finally heading back to uni!
01/13/09

@isk36: I see your point but the 'I could get thinner chicks than you with ease'* crap is supremely dickish and unnecessary.

* Not a quote, but a summation of the attitude.
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The Queen of No
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
WTF did he mean she throws up a steak after 12? I don't get it.
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Bunny_of_doom
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
I have friends that constantly whine about their weight, yet they do nothing to change eating habits or even exercise a bit. I have given up ripping them new ones. If they're going to bitch about the weight and not do anything about it then I have the right to tell them to STFU. Harsh, but it grates on you after seven months.

However, I feel horrible for one friend. She's terrified to go to the gym because of her fear that the smaller people will make fun of her. I've offered to bring her my workout equipment and loan her my Turbo Jam tapes, even show her low impact exercises she can do, but she is at the point now where she's kind of given up. It breaks my heart.

I'm not giving up.
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St. Francis of a Sissy
01/13/09

@Bunny_of_doom: She's terrified to go to the gym because of her fear that the smaller people will make fun of her.

Oh, that's rich. I am fat. I would like to work out to lose weight. I say I want to join the Bally's near our house, where my dad is a member (my dad had gastric bypass five years ago and replaced his addiction to food with booze, but that's neither here nor there). His response? "No, St. Francis, that's a gym for skinny people."

I should just say "Fuck you, dad" and join it myself.
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tomatoheart
01/13/09

@Bunny_of_doom: I can see how that grates on you, but I know a lot of folks who aren't stuffing their faces full of french fries and who work out almost daily and are still a bit fluffy, myself included. I get that you know your friend's habits, but the general attitude that one can tell a person's health by their size really grates on me as a plus size person who is by all accounts healthy.

Maybe go on walks with your gym-phobic friend? I have gym-phobia too, though not because I'm worried about what other people think. I find that yoga studios with no mirrors and walking and cycling are super fun for me.
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Kivrin
01/13/09

@St. Francis of a Sissy: Dude, pardon my saying so, but your dad is a dick.
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St. Francis of a Sissy
01/13/09

@Kivrin: Tell me something I don't know. I also get "Nobody wants to date a fat girl," "You'll never get a decent job if you're fat," and "No one will sell you a house if you're fat."

I get the first two, but that last one doesn't even make sense!
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PrettyPrettyPrincess
01/13/09

@Bunny_of_doom: I read somewhere that a majority of overweight women have at least moderate gym anxiety and shame. I can totally relate. Smaller gyms seem to be a bit less intimidating, at least from my experience. There are definitely ones filled with people who have already hit their goals but most of them are a nice mixed bag, all different shapes and sizes and fitness levels. I am a little stumped as to why she won't do the at-home tapes? That is such a good option for women with gym anxiety, and once a little confidence is built through the tapes it's so much easier to walk into a gym. She may have something more complex going on. It's great that you are really there for her!! Sometimes I can force myself to go but I FAR prefer going with my friend, she's so confident and at home in the gym that it rubs off on me. Having a supportive friend can make a world of difference.
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Bunny_of_doom
01/13/09

@delicatetbone: I see your point and looking at it now, I feel bad for telling them to just simmer but I shall point out that of these people with those eating habits, only one was over weight. The rest were average sized women that had alarming habits. large portions of fried foods, little if any fruits and veggies. I cannot attest to their being that type of food in their rooms or if they were taking supplements. With my closest friend,I'm not sure consuming copious amounts of salt is healthy. She salted everything, even her oranges. Recently I did ask her is maybe she should be checked out by a doctor. I do not think that is normal at all.

With the gym phobic friend: we have done several walks before she left (she transfered schools last May). They were leisurely walks, sure, but we covered a lot of ground. I told her it was normal to hate the gym. I'm not skinny by any means (size 12-14). I'm built solid and even I was getting looks. Another friend and I were able to find hours when the gym was empty and we knew we could get in after hours as well, but I think for her it was some sort of deep rooted fear of the gym.
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Bunny_of_doom
01/13/09

@St. Francis of a Sissy: Wow, just, wow. Sorry but that was a douchenozzel comment he made.

*hugs*

Hell yeah! I say join it and fuck everyone else, you're there for you.
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Bunny_of_doom
01/13/09

@PrettyPrettyPrincess: Smaller gyms really are less intimidating, we have one at the apartment complex I live at and its nice. (You have to hit it around 11pm so its empty but still...)

I really think her issues with the workout tapes is that we were in a dorm and the walls were thin as hell. I know with the tape I gave her you are jumping and doing boxing moves and kicking, which looking back now might not have been the best tapes to give her for a small room.

Having a buddy go to the gym with you makes a difference. I swear, when my bud is with me at the gym we push each other. Its awesome.
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Tart of Darkness
01/13/09

@PrettyPrettyPrincess:

The tapes actually might be too difficult. I've noticed that so-called easy tapes are easy for people who are more or less average weight and have some fitness level.

Very heavy people who do not and have not exercised need to start at a level where they can be successful at accomplishing a goal...say five minutes of walking 3-5 days a week increasing that to 10, 15, etc. Because what is often lacking in very heavy people is the ability to persist in something that is difficult on a day to day basis. They tend to have an all or nothing approach to most things in life.

Look at Oprah as an example, she's heavy, so now she is going to get her weight, exercise, finance and sex life back in order ALL AT ONCE!!!! It makes me tired just thinking about it and makes me feel defeated to imagine doing all of that at the same time.

Curves or something like it is one way to get through the gym anxiety and start slowly to build up strength and endurance.

But I will be completely candid and tell y'all that I have gone to the gym at every weight I've ever been from anorexically thin to my current obesity and nobody at the gym cares how YOU look because they are too busy looking at themselves.

But your Dad's Bally's may not be the best place for you St. Frances. It sounds to me like he's staked out his own territory there.
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IceRoadHooker
01/13/09

@Bunny_of_doom: as a "smaller" person who frequents the gym, I can say that I'm not paying attention to anyone at the gym besides myself. and when I do notice someone overweight working out i say "you go!"
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tomatoheart
01/13/09

@St. Francis of a Sissy: that is some major fat-phobia and body-hate from your dad....sometimes it's "former fatties" that are the biggest haters. I sometimes think it's because they lost the weight because they hated themselves and in that, they hate all people they perceive as fat.
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tomatoheart
01/13/09

@Bunny_of_doom: I know I find the gym crazy-making and it really has to do more with the fact that I can't stand going to a place to work out. I'd rather get exercise doing things that don't feel like the rat-in-a-cage experience at a gym. I think it's awesome that you went on walks with her and I hope she finds someone else to continue on with her at her new school. It really is great to have a partner for walks!
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Bunny_of_doom
01/13/09

@IceRoadHooker: Thank you. I think I love you for that.

Unfortunately for me I was at a college with a high concentration of nastily mean people. At the least, I always had people looking at me funny coming into the gym. At the worst, some tart told me to leave the gym and go sit on my ass in my room and munch on some Oreos.

I'm over it, but I did tell her to go fuck herself and then proceeded to run longer and faster than she did on the treadmill.
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agnesohmygod
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
What about telling someone with an eating disorder she needs to gain weight? Much more of a quagmire.
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Tart of Darkness
01/13/09

@agnesohmygod: I think it is much better to encourage her to get professional help with her eating disorder from a specialist than to mention that she needs to gain weight.
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theysaidwhat
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
This guy is abusive, plain and simple. He's with her because he has some degree of control over her with his threats of cheating and because a woman with more backbone wouldn't give him the time of day. That is all.
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LaComtesse
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
Whenever someone complains aloud to a partner about their weight but makes no effort to change, what they want and expect to hear, I think is "You're beautiful the way you are." Because, really, they are far less interested in changing themselves than in other people changing their perceptions. When they DO actually want to change, they will make efforts. I speak from experience... perhaps this issue is a bit TOO close to my heart...
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PrettyPrettyPrincess
01/13/09

@LaComtesse: Beautifully put.
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LaComtesse
01/13/09

@PrettyPrettyPrincess: Thanks. I feared it sounded kind of bitchy, but I promise I'm not a skinny minnie bitching standing on a cloud of righteous judgement of the overweight!
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cuteasabutton
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
What an asshole. Seriously. It's one thing to be concerned for her health and I understand if she just keeps going on about it, that he would say something. But all that stuff about being with other women is just fucking awful and unnecessary. If that's what he wants then just leave and don't keep hurting this poor woman with your childish crap.

Also, it's not a good idea to tell your girlfriend that she has a fat stomach. And then a year later when she has lost a shitload of weight due to an ED that she is too skinny, and her bones are poking out and that your prefer girls with big boobs.
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SmallbutMighty
01/13/09

@cuteasabutton's got ham but she's not a hamster.: i think he's a good candidate for "Tool Academy" in general - the weight is just one thing for him to use to make her feel like shit
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cuteasabutton
01/13/09

@SmallbutMighty: Absolutely.
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Plum-Pie
01/13/09

@cuteasabutton's got ham but she's not a hamster.: GrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr...!
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RingTailedLemur
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
Gastric bypass.

I watched this and I did feel sorry for her... until I saw her trick for getting free fries. She reminded me so much of my old neighbor - complained about being fat, adopted absolutely no habits to bring the number on the scale down, then felt insulted when she would badger other people into telling her she was fat. She ended up taking out a loan to get a tummy tuck and 10K later, she's still the same size she was before, just with a giant scar across her belly. Oh, and the day after she got home, she ordered her daughter to go to McDonalds (in the freezing rain, and oh yeah, daughter did not have a driver's license) to get her a giant combo meal. WTF ladies... WTF...
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schoolofloverboy
01/13/09

In reply to Is It Ever OK To Tell Partners They Need To Lose Weight?
I would probably be fucked up forever if anyone i EVER dated said this to me. I have a slew of body images but every guy i've dated or been with has been really into my body (I'm not skinny at all). I love being naked and I think I look good naked. In clothes is a different situation. But when I'm dating someone I think of how good I look naked.
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PrettyPrettyPrincess
01/13/09

@schoolofloverboy: this is awesome. I look WAY better naked too. And the activities are more fun as well.
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