• Is nothing sacred? Are there any bastions of hope left in this world? Brace yourselves, people: Word on the net is that Jennifer Garner is considering breaking up with husband Ben Affleck. Ted Casablanca says Ben's mom has never particularly liked Jen, who broke Michael Vartan's heart to hook up with Ben in the first place. Sniff. [E!, via ONTD]
• Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's film debut! She's in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. Look closely at the 1:21 minute mark in this trailer; Brad holds Shiloh as she watches a balloon float away. The girl's a star! [Socialite Life]
• Britney can have her kids for overnight visits! Progress! [TMZ]
• So remember how a pack of surfers attacked a gang of paparazzi at the beach where Matthew McConaughey was surfing? Apparently there may be another rumble scheduled! Comments on the x17 website between surfers and photogs indicate that "it's on" for Saturday. Bring your leather jacket and switchblade comb. [Rush & Molloy]
• The new issue of In Style has Anne Hathaway gushing about Raffaello Follieri — you know, her ex who was busted for fraud and money laundering yesterday. [Page Six]

• Lindsay Lohan has been showing up early for call time on her new flick, Labor Pains. Plus! She knows all of her lines and her co-workers "actually like her," says a source. The bigger question is: Will this movie be better or worse than Just My Luck? [Page Six]
• Is Madonna being sabotaged? Apparently her old record label, Warner, is planting negative stories about Live Nation or something. [Fox 411]
• And! Is Madonna getting divorced, like for realz? Apparently she's hiring the same divorce lawyer who "masterminded" Paul McCartney's court battle with Heather Mills. Uh-oh, is Guy Ritchie in trouble? [Mirror]
• Pamela Anderson will be in the Big Brother house… In Australia. She's just popping in to teach the housemates the "tricks of her trade." No idea what that means. [News.com.au]
• This kerfluffle about the picture of Tom Cruise looking so much like his Valkyrie character, the real life German officer who plotted to assassinate Hitler — which turns out to be a Photoshop scandal — is so boring I can't say anymore about it. [AP]
• Jill Scott is engaged! Congrats! [Perez Hilton]
• Is Kylie Minogue back with Olivier Martinez? Did she say "I just can't get you out of my head" ? [The Sun]
• Salman Rushdie has been knighted by the Queen. Act accordingly. [The Star]
• Billy Zane spent a night trying to pick up women in an L.A. club while his girlfriend Kelly Brook was working 3,000 miles away in Virginia, boo. [Daily Mail]
• Charlotte Church says she wants enough kids to have a "rugby team." [The Sun]
• Remember Amy Jo Johnson? She was Julie on Felicity. She's expecting her first child in the fall, with fiancé Olivier Giner. [People]
• Kanye West and Alicia Keys were winners at the BET awards. [E!]
• Charlize Theron likes to go camping. "I'm a tough girl and I can not shower for a week - I'm fine with that." [The Sun]
• Did MSNBC's Keith Olbermann pitch a fit over not getting a first-class train ticket to Tim Russert's funeral? Because that is tacky. [Page Six]
• Michael Jordan broke some kid's heart, aww. [Page Six]
• John Mayer had the decency to warn ex gf Minka Kelly that the news about him dating Jennifer Aniston was about to hit the press. He said, "Sorry, but I'm really in love." Hmmm. [Page Six]
• Tony Danza wants to play Nixon's chief of staff in a movie? Don't make me say it. Okay. Who's the boss? [Page Six]
• A nun spotted Steven Tyler in a Starbucks and got super super psyched. A nun. [Page Six]
• As previously reported, Heather Locklear is in a facility for depression and anxiety. Be well! (Remember in March, when her doctor called 911 and claimed she was suicidal?) [Page Six]
• Janet Jackson's CD hasn't been selling well, but tickets to her concerts have! Plus: She might do (sigh) a reality show. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "What two hunky actors are refraining from any public displays of affection now that spies on their set are suggesting they're more than friends?" [Rush & Molloy]

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)

Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)

In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)

OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)

Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)

Us
"I'm Ready To Say 'I Do.'" Intern Sharon says, "You know how the New Yorker has a serialized novel? That is what this is like." Yes, Us is still pushing the idiotic soap opera that is Heidi and Spencer. The magazine printed six epic pages of interview with the loathsome Montag and Pratt. HighLowlights: Heidi says, "We were walking at sunset and he had a little picnic made for me, with chocolate-covered strawberries and Dom Perignon. It was pretty much a preproposal." Yes, that's right. A PREPROPOSAL. Even thought this couple has already been engaged. "He is ready to really propose to me, down on one knee, with the right ring," Heidi explains. "The other one failed. Why would we use a failed ring? A new ring means a fresh start, a fresh love and a fresh engagement. Plus, I didn't get to pick it out. I want something much bigger, and one that comes from the heart, not some purple thing." (Fig. 1) Ugh. These people are vile. Oh! And Heidi also says: "I want to perform at my wedding. It's a special song that I'm working on for Spencer." And she'd like U2 to be her wedding band. Also inside: Will Smith spent $1 million to fund a school that employs teaching techniques established by L. Ron Hubbard. But! His kids are home schooled. Lastly: When Pete Wentz said he was honeymooning in a basement, he was joking, you guys. He and Ashlee actually went to a resort in Turks And Caicos, in the Caribbean.
Grade: F, but a gold star for the over-the-top, predictable, almost campy romance novel cover story

OK!
"Brit's Private Mommy Moments."
Britney sometimes hangs out with her kids, and they like it. Brit has been reading self-help books like Jack Canfield's Key To Living The Law Of Attraction: A Simple Guide To Creating The Life Of Your Dreams. She is also maybe dating her William Morris Agent Jason Trawick. Also inside: Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz getting a reality show? It will be like sister Jessica's Newlyweds. Footage includes a dinner where everyone toasts to business ventures but Ashlee toasts to jewelry. Ha. There's a poll called "Who Looks Better Bald" (Fig. 2) and no one likes Cameron Diaz's head. Angelina and Brad's new house has an organic vineyard, so expect the couple to take up winemaking! Intern Sharon says, "They're so Stuff White People Like."
Grade: D- with demerits for being boring

In Touch
"Brad Fears For The Babies" Angelina was having early contractions, so she and Brad had to call the hospital. She was barely 26 weeks at the time. She's scheduled to have a C-section July 11. There was drama at a Toys R Us near Cannes because Angelina wanted to shop but Brad thought she should be resting. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan is with Sam Ronson after "turbulent relationships with men" because you know, shitty dudes can make chicks gay! Sam wants to marry Lindsay and makes sure she stays sober, aww. Jamie Lynn's baby daddy Casey doesn't want to sign a pre-nup, uh-oh! Good news for "fans" of her "music": Paris Hilton is working on a new album. It will, of course, be "edgier." Benji Madden is helping, naturally, and Paris says, "It's a lot more of dance music that you want to hear in a club."
Grade: D- with detention and three days in a dunce cap for constant fake baby jeopardy "news"

Life & Style
"Shiloh's Lonely World." Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has "been throwing tantrums and crying a lot," the mag claims. Um, she is two; that's par for the course. A source says she wants to be the baby and sleep with mom and dad. Again, not a crime at her age. When Angie takes her shopping and asks "Shi" to pick something out for the twins, Shi throws a fit. Moving on: Lindsay and Sam are sooo in love. A source says Sam's open about her sexuality and she was finally able to convince Lindsay that being a couple is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sweet. Britney's got a "major crush" on her agent, Jason Trawick. He was in Costa Rica with her recently. "He cares about her and wants her to succeed, but he's not interested in her romantically," a source spills. Jamie Lynn is being watched because she MIGHT have preeclampsia. Or not. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong danced to '80s music and made out all over Cannes. The people who are making Point Break: Indo want Patrick Swayze to be in it. Jessica Alba married Cash Warren because she was praying for her baby and realized it was important to "do the right thing." Madonna says, "I'm not against plastic surgery, I'm against discussing it." Lastly: Is it offensive or just weird that a caption on "Hollywood's Tan Secrets" reads: "A deep tan makes Adrienne look exotic"? (Fig 3). Ms. Bailon, of Cheetah Girls fame, is Puerto Rican, born in New York.
Grade: D, bonus points for Madonna quote, points deducted for fake Shiloh drama story

Star
Absent from class. Info available online, but that's just not the same, is it?

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

[Cannes, France; May 19. Images via Bauer-Griffin]

[Monaco, May 12. Images via INFDaily]

[Saint Jean Capp Ferrat, May 9. Image via Splash.]

At first I thought Weldon was just being an asshole, because all children are beautiful to their parents, but then it got me thinking — how often do you hear a mother tell her son that he's handsome? Very rarely. Strangers hardly ever come up to a male child and comment on his looks, while a female child, nearly from the day of her birth, will have all manner of people chattering about her appearance (true story: a total stranger once came up to my aunt and told her my 3-year-old cousin was "unfortunate looking."). [True story: At a wedding last year, during a post-ceremony toast, the father of the bride went on and on about how lucky his son-in-law was because his daughter is "so beautiful". -Ed.]

Are parents just making their daughters narcissistic by telling her she's attractive? Are they setting her up for disappointment if she's not that attractive in reality? Or are they buffeting her against possible future low self-esteem?

Looks Aren't Everything? Don't Kid Yourself [Times of London]

Us
"Reese's Untold Love Story." Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are waiting for the right moment to get married, and they plan to get married because they have good family values. Bo-ring. Also inside: Random photo spread of star strollers. Russell Crowe's kid rolls in a $430 carriage; Keri Russell pushes a $1,080 model. Plus: Heidi Montag wanted to change the Hollywood sign to read "Heidiwood" to celebrate her clothing line, but was turned down by the L.A. City Council. LOL. Kevin Federline wants to get back together with Britney "now that he knows what was wrong," i.e., mental illness. K Fed listens to Brit's Blackout all the time, a source spills. Give him more!
Grade: F (waterboarding)

Life & Style
"At Home With Nicole And Joel." "The greatest thing about Harlow right now is that she laughs and smiles a lot," Joel Madden tells the mag. "She wakes up every morning laughing and smiling and it's the best part of my day." Joel sings Nirvana and Radiohead lullabies to the baby. Meanwhile, Nicole has returned to group counseling and alcohol education. Moving on! "Why Audrina Posed Nude." She was out of high school, trying to launch a modeling career, and wanted to feel "comfortable" in front of the camera. Mission accomplished! Britney appeared slim on How I Met Your Mother because her hair was flat ironed, she had contouring makeup, and flattering wardrobe to slenderize her figure. Plus: Did High School Musical's Ashley Tisdale get another nose job? Do you care? Also: The Texas house that Brad and Angelina are renting has a wrestling ring inside! It used to belong to The Undertaker. Lastly, Tori Spelling says that with her first pregnancy she was worried about how she'd lose the weight after but this time around, she knows it's possible to get your body back with diet and dedication. Sigh.
Grade: D- (caning)

In Touch
"The Wedding Of The Century." Hey! Look! A made-up cover story! Angelina MIGHT have realized her children want their parents to be husband and wife, so she MIGHT get married. IF Angie and Brad get married, she MIGHT carry a bouquet of flowers picked by her kids. They MIGHT get married on a boat and it MIGHT be the Octopus, the $200 million yacht owned by Microsoft's Paul Allen. This wouldn't happen until after the twins are born, so that all of their kids could be present at the ceremony, so this "Wedding of the Century" wouldn't happen until September. Also inside: Kevin Federline says "I will always love the mothers of my children." Paris Hilton is having her five-bedroom, 7,493 square foot home gutted and renovated and it might have a club in the basement! "My house is so big," Paris says. "I love it." Reese Witherspoon visited a farm and bought a $650 piglet for her kids! They're said to make great pets. (Pigs, that is.) Tara Reid spent her vacation in Mexico drinking morning noon and night, then was seen at the airport bar and also had a cocktail on the plane home. Carrie Underwood and Chase Crawford: Dunzo. She dumped him. Kirsten Dunst called Tobey Maguire and apologized to him for things she did when they were working together and dating in 2001. Rehab heals all wounds! Rock Of Love's Kristy Joe says: "I've pulled on Brett Michael's hair and it doesn't move. I know it's not a wig but he does wear extensions." Ew, like Axl Rose??? Kate Bosworth says she loses weight when she's under stress, and was so thin two years ago because "a family member had a terminal illness." She also says of a photo of her at her thinnest, "Don't look at this as a standard of some kind of beauty and health." Except it landed you a Calvin Klein modeling gig! "The List" this week is women who "finally" got pregnant: Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman and Marcia Cross.
Grade: D- (paddling)

OK!
"Big Girls Now." Hey! Another made-up cover story! Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt are babies, and they're both turning two soon! And you almost can't tell this image was cobbled together in PhotoShop! OK! "Looks back at the lives of Hollywood's two most influential tots." Amazing. Moving on: Tyra Banks thinks that photo shoot creative director Jay Manuel has become a diva and is ungrateful to her for making him a star. Manuel has a makeup line, a show on the Style Network and is the host of Canada's Next Top Model. Meanwhile Tyra barely interacts with the contestants and only wants to show up on judging day. Also inside: 20 things you didn't know about the Sex And The City "girls": Sarah Jessica Parker scrubs her "tootsies" 11 times a day; Kim Cattrall cooks in the nude; Kirsten Davis was supposed to be Carrie; Cynthia Nixon was arrested in 2002 for protesting school budget cuts in front of New York's City Hall. Plus: Britney is considering opening her own dance studio. How come in every magazine this week, there's an image of her wearing the same horrifying green shirt? (Fig 1.) Where does one purchase a shirt so ugly? Anyway. Lastly: Christina Aguilera's son "screams his head off" when he sees mommy in full makeup, especially red lipstick."He cries bloody murder," an insider says.
Grade: D (spanking)

Star
"Sick Katie Collapses." Katie Holmes left a restaurant in LA after having a dizzy spell and she looked pale, exhausted and emaciated. She's been suffering from severe headaches that make her see black spots and feel faint; it's either migraines or the fact that trying to keep up with Tom is killing her. "Tom has boundless energy and she can't compete," says a source. Also inside: Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman go skinny-dipping by moonlight. "They don't just splash around — they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises," says a disgruntled neighbor. Are Pink and Carey Hart reconciling? Maybe. Jason Lewis likes cougars! He's now seeing Teri Hatcher. Lindsay Lohan won't go out to dinner with you unless you're picking up the tab and won't go to events unless she knows she's getting free shit. Blind item! "Which actress who gave birth last fall has no plans to marry the baby's daddy? Pals are wondering if the relationship was ever real or if it was just set up so she could have a kid." There's a story called "Joel Walks Out On Nicole" but it's about how he had to go on tour and wouldn't let Nicole and Harlow come with him. He doesn't think a newborn belongs on a rock tour and Nicole is really just upset that Paris is going and she's not. Plus: Britney's three days on the set of How I Met Your Mother were a "nightmare." She has sudden "mood changes" and her good-girl persona is "all an act." She's totally "biding her time until she can stop the charade and take control of her life again." Yikes! Meanwhile, sister Jamie Lynn might be getting engaged: Casey is shopping for a ring! Mary-Kate and Ashley have "finally had enough of each other." They're working on a fashion line but have conflicting styles, which is causing friction. Angelina Jolie has gestational diabetes, which means she has to watch what she eats and check her blood sugar. Her feet are so swollen that she's gone up half a shoe size, at least. Does American Idol's Carly Smithson have a connection to judge Randy Jackson that gives her an unfair advantage? Apparently he heard her music early in her career when he worked at a record label, oooh.
Grade: D+ (hotsaucing)

Fig. 1

[New Orleans, LA; December 22. Image via INF.]

• We intimidated you with the girth of our shenises.
  
• We threatened to gnaw on your babies.
  
• We encouraged you to embrace the psycho within.
  
• We mourned for a red sox widow.
  
• We pondered the intentions of American Apparel ads.
  
• Oprah told us that we have ADD.
  
• After she tried to feed us tripe.
  
• And finally, we bid a sad farewell to our fearless leader for the next two weeks, and said hello to our substitute hardened cynic.

[New York, September 28. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[New York, September 28. Images via INF]

[New York, NY; AUgust 24. Image via INF.]

[Chicago, August 11. Images via Splash]

[Chicago, August 7. Image via Splash]

Shoppers should note that 5% of the profits will go to an Israeli-based nonprofit organization benefiting disabled children. Salimpour does not hold a grudge against Jolie, noting she and Jolie both "believe in human rights and love Brad Pitt!" Meanwhile, over here in the Jezebel lab, we're developing 'Maddox', a playful fragrance that smells precocious and experimental with coy, exotic Asian notes, a hint of temper tantrum and a soupçon of sibling rivalry.
'Shiloh'" A Baby And A Perfume [Washington Post]

[Charente, France. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[New York City, June 17. Image via Flynet]

Father's Day Of The Future For Celebrities [YouTube]

Shiloh's Big Birthday Bash! [US Magazine]

Finally, here's a pic of Brad Pitt cuddling his beautiful girl Shiloh in a Snugli-type contraption. Doesn't matter what you think of Angelina: this photo has got to make your heart melt. [Photo via TMZ]

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