[New York, December 20. Image via INFDaily.]

• Today in pointless clothing lines of the stars: Miley Cyrus and Max Azria's Wal-Mart collection! The digs look well worth every penny of their sub-$20 price point. [Lucky]
• Now, even the Kings of Leon has one. [Blackbook]

• Lady Gaga wants in on the action. On starting a clothing line, she told Flare magazine, "At some point, I will. Right now, I'm more concerned with using my fame to promote young designers such as Gary Card, an artist who designed a piece I used on stage." Why would she do such a thing? "There hasn't been a commercial artist lately that has embodied avant-garde and couture so insistently as myself." [ONTD]
• Gaga has one new position to console herself with: M.A.C. Viva Glam AIDS fund face. Cyndi Lauper will co-star in the campaign to sell lipstick and raise money for research. [WWD]
• The British Fashion Council and British Vogue are launching a fashion prize to encourage young talent, somewhat along the lines of the American Vogue/CFDA Fashion Fund awards, which kicked off in 2003. £200,000 will be awarded to one UK designer who can demonstrate he or she has international stockists, a media profile, and demonstrated need of the money. [Telegraph]
• Angelina Jolie and Shiloh are apparently fans of Stella McCartney's line for GapKids. [Radaronline]
• That Christian Louboutin made his first public appearance in Washington, D.C., under Obama's watch is no coincidence. "For eight years I was invited, but I never wanted to come before. I never wanted to come with Bush," says the shoe designer. "I'm looking forward to coming back — at least for four years." We really want to make a crack about voting with your feet here. [WaPo]
• Roberto Cavalli: "All over the world people don't treat me like a fashion designer; they treat me like a rock star… I can't walk down 5th Avenue without being treated like a rock star. In fact, maybe it's more… Many times I've walked down 5th Avenue with rock stars and nobody pays attention to them. It's very strange." [FWD]
• Gisele Bundchen passed the written exam portion of her pilot's license. Although heavily pregnant, and "Almost too big to fly," according to her instructor, she's still making supervised practice flights up to three days a week. [People]
• Karolina Kurkova has given birth to a baby boy. [People]
• Kelly Osborne: Fan of Spanx. [People]
• Christian Siriano says his new reality TV show will reflect the best of several recent high-profile fashion documentaries. "It's very like The September Issue, very Valentino [The Last Emperor]. We want it to be as cool and as real as possible." Apparently, September Issue director R.J. Cutler wouldn't touch the project, but he did advise Siriano "just to be real." [The Cut]
• Sadie Frost's clothing line with Jemima French, FrostFrench, is opening its second store in London's Soho. [WWD]
• A real ad man of the 1960s has some bones to pick with Mad Men's treatment of the brand London Fog. So an employee of an industry that manufactures fictions objects to a fictional show's fictionalizing history? We shake our heads at the irony. [AdAge]
• JC Penney is being sued for trademark infringement by the retailer New York & Company. New York & Company says Penney's new "NYC Style" slogan is too close to its "NY Style" advertising tag line. [WWD]
• Can Sir Philip Green conquer America? [Bloomberg]
• Polo Ralph Lauren reported a 10% rise in second-quarter profits. [TS]
• Bata shoes was, before Communism, an international brand headquartered in Slovakia. The company town isn't doing so hot right now, with the economic transition and the competition from Asia. [BussinessWeek]
• Liz Claiborne may have had seven consecutive quarterly losses, with the announcement of an eight expected next week, but C.E.O. Bill McCombs doesn't have to worry about one thing: his job security. McCombs recently had his contract renewed for another three years. It's not an unusual strategy: only 38 companies in the S&P 500 have replaced their C.E.O.'s in the year to September 30, down 10 on the same period last year, despite the trying economic times. [WSJ]
• Not so lucky is Missoni's general manager, Massimo Gasparini. He has been let go and his position will not be filled. [WWD]

• In an exclusive interview with Glamour, Rihanna discusses the year she's had: "I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears." She also talks about the picture released by cops:

"It was humiliating; that is not a photo you would show to anybody. I felt completely taken advantage of. I felt like people were making it into a fun topic on the Internet, and it's my life. I was disappointed, especially when I found out the photo was [supposedly leaked by] two women." She adds: "Domestic violence is a big secret. No kid goes around and lets people know their parents fight. Teenage girls can't tell their parents that their boyfriend beat them up. You don't dare let your neighbor know that you fight. It's one of the things we [women] will hide, because it's embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn't heard. Now I can help speak for those women." [Glamour]

• Rihanna also sat down with Diane Sawyer, for an interview which will air Thursday on Good Morning America. This happened to me. … It can happen to anyone," she says. And she admits that Chris Brown was "definitely" her "first big love." [People, Extra, ET]
• Mariah Carey and Rihanna refused to talk or be photographed together at a Halloween party; yet Mariah's rep insists that MC "loves" Rihanna and would have said hello. [Page Six]
• Angelina Jolie and Shiloh shopped for Stella McCartney's new kids' line at the Gap in Santa Monica yesterday. A source says she "purchased two complete outfits right off the mannequins, head to toe, the shoes and everything. Then she bought a couple Junk Food t-shirts — one with a Superman emblem — and a bunch of Gap watches for all the kids. She probably spent close to $500." [Radar Online]
• Tyra Banks has lost 30 lbs. since her "Kiss My Fat Ass" incident in early 2007. She used to get awful stomachaches, and says: "I switched up my unhealthy eating habits for healthier eating habits, and I haven't had a tummy attack since December '08." And: "I feel good about my curves and my imperfections – my booty, my boobs, my thighs – I embrace it all. Now I really can say … kiss my fat – and still fat – ass." [People]
• A source says Gerard Butler did not hook up with Lindsay Lohan, despite that that was reported yesterday: "He's a fun, good-looking guy, and every time he even gets close to an actress, people assume something. He has no interest in Lindsay." [Gatecrasher]
• Gisele Bundchen passed the written exam to get her pilot's license. She's a month from her due date to give birth and the president of the aviation company says: "She's almost to a point where she's too big to be flying. She needs to be able to move the rudder around and she's getting there." [NY Daily News]
• Kate Gosselin believes her eight kids are "starting to show signs of stress and behavioral changes." [NY Daily News]
• Ooh, another Britloid caught in a lie! "Kate Winslet accepted £25,000 libel damages today after an 'offensive' claim in the Daily Mail that she had publicly lied about her exercise regime." [Guardian]
• President Barack Obama's Committee on the Arts and Humanities has a gaggle of bold-faced names: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kerry Washington, Alfre Woodard, Edward Norton, Forest Whitaker, Teresa Heinz (yes, John Kerry's wife), Anna Wintour and Yo Yo Ma. According to Politico, "The committee works with the National Endowment for the Arts, the National Endowment for the Humanities and the Institute of Museum and Library Services to coordinate the administration's arts initiatives." [Politico]
• Kathy Griffin will host Let's Dance, a new ABC show in which celebrities reenact famous dance routines from pop culture. Prediction: "Single Ladies" will be on the menu. Hopefully so will any number from Flashdance. [The Wrap]
• Owen Wilson has signed on to do the voice of Marmaduke in a live action/CGI movie based on the comic strip. I want to hear the dog say: "Me and my friends have been too busy bathing off the southern coast of St. Barts with spider monkeys for the past two weeks. Tripping on acid changed our whole perspective on shit." [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Drama involving Men Who Stare At Goats: "Jon Ronson, a journalist whose work inspired the film, credited his one-time best friend and film maker John Sergeant in the pages of his book. However, Sergeant claims to have been "airbrushed out" of the film adaptation and has aired his grievances about the snub in a letter to George Clooney." [Telegraph]
• Jude Law: Seen making out with a "hot blonde." [Page Six]
• A California appeals court has set a date to hear arguments in the Roman Polanski case: December 10. [AP]
• Courtney Love says she moved to New York because of "raids" on her home; a source says the visits were actually attempts by her drug counselor to stage an intervention. [Page Six]
• Kiefer Sutherland racked up a $700 bar tab between 7am and 1pm. (San Pedro) California… knows how to party! Keep it rockin… [TMZ]
• Mischa Barton saw her ex, Brandon Davis, at a party and spent the night avoiding him. Stars! Just like us. [Page Six]
• "Reports of a Halloween bust-up between Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt have been 'grossly misrepresented,' a rep for the socialite said." [Mirror]
• Jordin Sparks and Always brand feminine products are hosting "America's Biggest Sleepover" online on November 7. I don't get it, but there it is. [BrandWeek]
• Stephanie Seymour is getting divorced from husband Peter Brant and will get $270,000 a month. [Page Six]
• MSNBC columnist Courtney Hazlett actually read Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's new book, which she calls "America at its worst." The chapter titled "Women's Weapons of Mass Destruction" has Heidi writing: "A crying woman trumps all things … let's pretend for one second you MIGHT be wrong in an argument one day. Just go to the waterworks and all is forgiven, isn't it? … Even the most hardened villainess can break people down with puppy-dog eyes and a few tears." Hazlett responds: "Hey Heidi, quick question: Why did you have to lump an entire gender into your scurrilous web of fame whoring tactics? I shudder to think, and do doubt, that a vapid essay about the upside of emotional exploitation could do anything to really move the needle on that front but nonetheless, it's counterproductive to continue to perpetrate such ideas. Women work hard enough to be taken seriously, this does no good." [MSNBC Scoop]
• For the last two months, six of the top 10 songs on Apple's music site have been from Glee. In this review the soundtrack gets four out of five stars. [NY Daily News]
• Simon Cowell's mom thinks he should marry his ex, Terri Seymour, and this is news. She told some magazine: "Terri loved Simon purely for the person he is, unlike some of the others. She was my favourite, but sadly Simon is married to his work!" [The Sun]
• This Nas vs. Kelis stuff is still going on! He's trying to block her from getting spousal support… and he's also asking for joint custody. [TMZ]
• Jeremy Piven stopped drinking soy milk: "I've found out [it] has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts." [Gatecrasher]
• Mel Gibson's divorce = selling off of his production company. [Showbiz 411]
• ZZ Top guitarist Billy Gibbons took the subway to his gig at Wembley Stadium and found that he was riding with ZZ Top fans on their way to the concert. He says: "Being the consummate tourist, I wanted to ride the Tube… It's a only a block from the hotel down to the station. There was a guy on the route that was checking me out and it was getting a little edgy, and then I realised that he was looking at a ZZ Top concert ticket for the Wembley show. I may [do it again] in the future... I beat my partners by 45 minutes." [BBC News]
• At the link, Carly Simon talks about her new album. As for her previous album — which was released by Starbucks right before the company scaled back its involvement in music — she says: "My record was basically an abortion. I was in a really bad funk, because I had put so much of myself into the record." [Reuters]
• Flight Of The Conchords' Jemaine Clement is in a new film, which he says he enjoys: "Things like Gentlemen Broncos are even more fun, because someone's already thought of all that stuff, and I just slip into it and try to realize their idea." [Reuters]
• "'Action hero' is not something I thought I'd have the chance to do. I mean, I'm 39 years old! I thought at this point, I'd be sinking into oblivion." — Elizabeth Mitchell, of Lost, and now V. [LA Times]
• "It was the first time that anyone has ever died that's close to me — it's a universal feeling that anyone feels, shock, sadness… I do feel really proud, I feel like it was such an impossibly difficult thing they were faced with trying to finish and I feel very proud that they did manage to finish it. Heath was an extraordinary person and you get to see it now." — Lily Cole, who stars with Heath Ledger in The Imaginarium Of Dr Parnassus. [Mirror]
• "Starting the SNL process… I kinda feel like I might have a heart attack or pass out in the pitch meeting. I'm that excited." — Taylor Swift, via Twitter. [People]
• "I was particularly upset to be accused of lying about my exercise regime and felt that I had a responsibility to request an apology in order to demonstrate my commitment to the views that I have always expressed about body issues, including diet and exercise. I strongly believe that women should be encouraged to accept themselves as they are, so to suggest that I was lying was an unacceptable accusation of hypocrisy." — Kate Winslet. [Guardian]
• "When I was younger, I was much more careful about choosing my roles. I was nervous. Hollywood in the '80s was a horrible place. Now that I feel less stressed, I can take more risks… There are some really shocking things in Antichrist. They are important and they are part of the film, but they are not the film. It's like with The Crying Game. Everything hung on those two seconds, but there was so much more to the story than that. I hope Lars hasn't shot himself in the foot by being provocative." — Willem Dafoe, who is a rat in The Fantastic Mr. Fox, a creature of the night in The Vampire's Assistant as well as a man who gets his genitals mutilated in Antichrist. Also, click to see a great portrait of Dafoe — dig the flower behind the ear! [BlackBook]
• "She needs to sell records because she's not a singer, and that's not an offense to her because I think that she knows that too. I think she's a performer and she's more of a personality than she is a singer. But I think when musicians are really making real music people come to the show and that's what we make our money from, from playing live. And I think it's probably harder for an artist like Lily and any other pop acts. It's really about the track and about their personality and their celebrity and that's how they make their money is selling those records. So the downloads — she's not going to win that fight. None of us will win that fight. So let's just accept it and let's see it as something that can be beautiful and it might change music for the better. It might sort the weeds from the flowers. Who said that musicians have to be millionaires? Who made this a rule? We don't need that much money. We just don't. We only need enough to make music and to eat and to go on tour." — Joss Stone on Lily Allen. [MIrror]
• "I am going to go to court to get a legal conservatorship to get Lindsay into rehab and finally get her off all the prescription meds. [Wife] Dina is going to sit down with me and the lawyers and make things right for Lindsay. She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She's a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old." — Michael Lohan on daughter Lindsay. [Page Six]

[Image via Glamour]

[Brignoles, September 21. Image via x17.]

[Brignoles, France; October 5. Image via Splash.]

(Click to enlarge)

[Toulon, September 23. Image via x17]

[Toulon, France; September 23. Image via x17]

• Petersen's group aims to appoint a financial guardian to watch over any money made by Suleman's children during the filming of their upcoming reality show. Suleman attempted to have the judge dismiss the petition, but the judge refused. [Reuters]
• Model Jasmine Fiore's body was identified by the serial numbers in her breast implants—a necessary step after, as Dodai mentioned yesterday, her killer had removed her teeth and fingers in an attempt to throw off the police investigation. Suspect Ryan Jenkins of VH1's Megan Wants A Millionaire is still at large. [USWeekly]
• VH1 is still uncertain as to whether I Love Money 3, a show Jenkins competed on, will ever air. [NYTimes]
• "If someone told me that I would [go into space and] never come back, and if I didn't have a family, I would definitely go and spend my last days in outer space. Escaping into another planet or another world or another way of life . . . keeps me centered and balanced."-Mya [PageSix]
• The release of Martin Scorsese's Shutter Island, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Michelle Williams, has been moved from October to February, meaning the film won't be released in time for Oscar consideration this year. [NYTimes]
• Just in case you were wondering, Tilda Swinton is not having threesomes with John Byrne, the father of her children, and current boyfriend Sandro Kopp. "I've been painted as a benign eccentric who's living there while some guy's shagging his sweetheart," Byrne says, "Why would I do that?" [PageSix]
• Angela Lansbury will return to Broadway to play Catherine Zeta-Jones' mother in a revival of A Little Night Music. [DailyExpress]
• Jon Gosselin has been spending his weekends partying it up at Foxwoods Casino with his girlfriend, Hailey Glassman. He shall leave no cliches unturned, my friends. [PageSix]
• Blind Item: "This very large, former A list television actor and now movie actor got his nickname Flash because he likes nothing more than to wear boxers around the set and makes sure his fly always stays open." [BlindGossip]
• "Hollywood is just like high school: The popular people love the other popular people. And the thing is, some people aren't nice. Or they are nice, but only to your face, not elsewhere."- Amanda Seyfried [DailyMail]
• Usher claims to own 10,000 pairs of shoes. [TheSun]
• Britain's Radio 1 has "snubbed" Madonna by refusing to play her new single, Celebration. [TheSun]
• Mark Wahlberg is reportedly concerned about co-star Christian Bale, who may be risking his health in an effort to lose weight for his role as a drug addict in the upcoming film The Fighter. "Christian is a method actor. If a role calls for him to look like a drug dealer, or he has to play someone who hasn't slept in a year, he'll go without food to look the part," says a source, "But the danger comes after he takes off that weight, and then eats everything in sight to put it back on for the next role. That kind of yo-yo dieting can be deadly. Mark and Christian are friends, and Mark is concerned about him." Hopefully this doesn't mean they're done, professionally. [ONTD]
• Bryan Singer is set to remake the 1981 film Excalibur. [DailyExpress]
• According to Heidi Montag, her husband, Spencer Pratt thinks Angelina Jolie is "a home-wrecking hussy." [PopCrunch]
• Meanwhile, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly "grooming" their daughter, Shiloh to be an actress. [Celebitchy]
• Kristen Stewart will be playing a stripper in the upcoming film Welcome To The Rileys. [Star]
• A source on the set of Twilight flick Eclipse claims that Kristen and Robert Pattinson are "definitely a couple and very much in love. Neither of them is rushing into anything, they are just having a good time hanging out, but they plan to explore their relationship even more while they are filming." [ShowbizSpy]
• Hey Girl, Ryan Gosling is going on tour with his band, Dead Man's Bones, and "the opening act for the shows will be a talent show, organized by the band and featuring local talent in each city." I assume you guys will be at these shows holding up giant signs that read, "Hey Ryan- Eff it, let's get a taco." [JustJared]

[Los Angeles, July 28. Image via x17]

[Los Angeles, July 6. Image via x17]

Contributing editor Margaret assists as we try and reach the pinnacle of celebrity "news" by reading In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. Results below.

Ok!
"Best Friends!"
Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie are both in New York for films, but "the working moms' most important project while in Manhattan is coordinating a playdate for their two adorable toddlers!" Not that it has happened yet. Still, the mag pushes the kids together on the elaborately Photoshopped cover and inside there's another composite photo where it almost looks like Suri and Shiloh are standing on the same sidewalk, except you know that they are not, because the photos are months apart. The cover is a real achievement since it involved cutting out Shiloh's basket so that Suri's dress would appear behind the handle, even though these children HAVE NEVER MET. Moving on: Mariska Hargitay is recuperating from her second surgery in two months from complications after suffering a collapsed lung. Be well! A story about how Tim Gunn has a little crush on Anderson Cooper is illustrated with tiny hearts (Fig. 1). Tim says he loves Coop's "brain, looks and style. He's fabulous!" Margaret wants them to be boyfriends and have little well-dressed babies. Gwen Stefani's kid Kingston has a crush on their neighbor, Britney Spears: "He think [Britney] is really great and cute, and he flirts with her," Gwen says. A story about Briney being on tour contains this sentence: "This tour had a totally unexpected impact on Britney and her own kids, turning them into a real family," a "friend" of Brit's tells the mag. Because they used to be a fake family, you see. Lastly, in a Rihanna story, an insider claims Rihanna is "desperate" to keep Chris Brown out of jail. Ugh.
Grade: F (falling down a flight of stairs)

In Touch
"Friends Fear It Will End In Death."
Perhaps coincidentally, the picture of Chris Brown inside shows a skull tattoo on his hand. The article is about how Chris could kill Rihanna, but there is no new information. Moving on: "Posh Steals Tom's Style" made us LOL (Fig. 2). Next, there's a spread which seems to insinuate that Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick is hot for some dude with whom he attended a Knicks game (Fig 3). Love the way they gaze into each other's eyes and whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears. Jessica Simpson is "back in her Daisy Dukes" but they are actually not the same shorts she wore in 2004; though they are the same jean shorts she wore in 2007. Also: Who cares? A spread called "Stars Are Starting To Look Like Vampires" is about pale skin and red lips. Yeah, Dita Von Teese is pictured.
Grade: D- (getting stuck in an elevator)





Us
"Bachelor Revenge!"
Margaret says she read the whole story and found it "boring and stupid and made-up." Apparently after they filmed After The Final Rose Melissa Rycroft sent Jason Mesnick emails that were leaked online. (By her, one assumes?) In them she said: "I can't believe you did that to me publicly. I can't even tell you how much respect I lost for you. Seeing the person that you became you are right: A relationship between you are I would never work." That is like when someone dumps you and you say, "No, I am dumping you!" Moving on: A sidebar about celebrity babysitters reveals which stars sat for other stars: William H. Macy used to babysit for Jeremy Piven; Kristen Bell used to babysit Hayden Panettiere; Alice Cooper used to babysit for Keanu Reeves; Michael Bolton used to watch Paula Abdul. Next: Nadya Suleman, known in this mag as "Octomom," wrote a letter to her 14 kids (?!?) and Us hired a handwriting analyst to study it. Because Suleman didn't loop her "G," she has unfulfilled wishes and dreams. Sad! But hopefully her "wishes" aren't for more kids. Oh, so the video of her giving birth is being shopped for $1 million and apparently Suleman wanted it shot so her other kids could see the miracle of life. Plus, in a Radaronline interview, when asked if she would do porn, Suleman said: "Who wants to see me naked? Maybe in a year when the baby fat goes away." So that's not a no? In a Chris and Rihanna story, Bow Wow, a friend of the couple, says the rumors of a pregnancy and secret wedding are not true. A "friend" of Rihanna's says: "Am I scared for her? Hell yeah. I saw the girl's face. She looked like chopped liver. He could kill her next time." The DA tells Us that since Chris texted an apology to Rihanna's assistant "that amounts to a confession." Also: "If she says she hit him first, that could very well be the difference whether he spends any time in jail or not." Plus: America's Next Top Model winner Jaslene Gonzalez says she was in an abusive relationship for four years. She's put two restraining orders on him since winning the show.
Grade: D (climbing extremely steep stairs on hands and knees)

Life & Style
"Force To Diet."
Though Katie Holmes's rep denies it, the mag claims Kate is on a "Scientology detox diet known as a purification rundown." It's a combination of exercise, vitamins, nutrition and sauna that dislodges drug residue and other toxins. Sounds fun! But: Taking niacin has maybe made Katie's skin yellow. A reporter asked her about her favorite restaurants, and she held up a drink and said, "As you can see, I'm on my liquid diet right now." Have you seen Angelina and Brad's Long Island living room? It's insane (Fig. 4)! The house has a "shocking past" — wild parties! A feng shui consultant who does not work for Brad and Angie says: "If they want to cleanse the energy of the home, they could go around the perimeter of it with sage or ringing a bell. In every corner you clap your hands to break up the energy. Energy often gets caught in corners." Good to know. Rihanna has been invited to go on Oprah's show, but Chris told her not to do it, saying it would make things worse. According to a friend. And: "She really did change her email address and her cell phone number." Rihanna isn't talking to friends or family who don't support her decision to get back with Chris. There's an "exclusive" interview with Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger about the breast reduction she got. She went to an associate of Dr. 90210 (Dr. Rey) because she saw him on TV. Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook: Necks. Anne Hathaway's is "wrinkle-free," maybe because she is 27? Nicole Kidman's neck is "loose." She is 41. Jane Krakowski, 40, would "appear younger" with 28-year-old Kristen Bell's neck. (Fig. 5)
Grade: D+ (riding an elevator which stops at every floor)

Star
"Caught: Brad & The Nanny!"
Here's the deal with Brad Pitt and the nanny: Brad walked into the twins' room and saw the nanny sitting on the bed. He asked what was wrong and she told him she didn't feel well. He sat down next to her and started rubbing her back. "It really was all very innocent," says an insider. But if they were alone in the room, who is this person?? Anyway. Angelina walked in and "flipped out." She "got right in Brad's face, screaming at the top of her lungs and told the nanny to get out of her house and never come back." Then the commotion woke the babies and they started crying; Angie just snapped. "She slapped Brad right across the face. He was stunned." Brad stormed out of the house and went on a long motorcycle ride. Now the kids are upset because the nanny is gone and Angie gets mad when they ask where the lady went. Moving on: Jennifer Love Hewitt is now dating Jamie Kennedy. Blind item! "Which aging sexpot needs to get a handle on her carnal instincts? Diners at a chic LA eatery were disgusted by a sloppy makeout session with her younger lover. Such bad taste!" Miley Cyrus has fake teeth and they fell out of her mouth at a recent photo shoot. Brad and Angie have "added another kid" to their brood: Shiloh's imaginary friend, Amy. Shiloh says she likes Amy better than Knox and Viv. "Jake Puts A Ring On It" is about how Reese Witherspoon showed up at a photo shoot wearing an engagement ring, but took it off when she saw people staring. She's not ready to go public with it, but Gyllenhaal popped the question. Two pictures of Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick on vacation in Jamaica. An insider says Chris Brown won Rihanna back "with the promise of marriage and babies" but now "he's made it clear that if she even thinks of leaving, she'll pay for it." "One minute he's whispering sweet nothings to her and the next he's making threats." Next: Britney and Kevin are falling in love again. While on tour in Florida, Brit took the family to Disneyworld and booked a whole floor at a hotel for her camp. An insider says: "Her room was only four doors down the corridor from Kevin's! They looked awfully friendly when they met up in the hallway!" The two allegedly stay up all night talking in hotel rooms and backstage, Kevin hugged Britney and told her she looked "gorgeous" before she went on. A different insider says there's been "some kissing." The sister of Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston, Mercede Johnston, tells the mag that Bristol broke up with Levi more than a month ago, is not attending school and rarely lets Levi see their son. Scandal! Is Paula Abdul only acting like she is over Idol and into her jewelry line? Or does she want producers to beg her to stay? Finally: "We Love Our Curves" is an eight page photo-driven story about "curvy" celebs. The mag claims Beyoncé is a size 12, Jennifer Hudson is a size 10 and Mad Men's Christina Hendricks is a 10. Does that make any sense?
Grade: C- (stuck going up endless narrow, ancient stone spiral staircase)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig.5

[New York, February 25. Image via Splash.]

[New York, February 18. Image via Splash.]

[Narita, Japan; January 27. Images via Getty]

• Jennifer Garner has obtained a court order protecting herself from a man she believes is endangering her family. She claims Steven Burky has been "stalking and harassing" her, sending "packages and letters containing delusional and paranoid thoughts and following me around the country." The guy showed up at her house and said, "God has sent me a vision of you being persecuted in some manner that may result in your death." Burky has a blog called Satanic Panic, on which he wrote: "Are multitudes of adults resorting to human sacrifices and then repressing this information from fear of Christ..." [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan "sobbed in the street" after her fight with Samantha Ronson, and this report claims it was physical, with Sam "throwing punches" on the dancefloor when she saw LL dancing with her ex Calum Best. [The Sun]
• Madonna and Guy Ritchie have reached an agreement regarding their divorce! Guy is refusing to take a single penny, and they'll share custody of the kids, except Lourdes, who will stay with her mom. [This Is London, Times of London]

• Everyone loves picking out clothes for the new First Lady! The Michelle Obama Style Guide will come out in the Spring; former Mademoiselle and Shop Etc. editor Mandi Norwood is writing it. Norwood says: "Not since Jackie O have we had a first lady become a fashion icon. Michelle Obama will be one of history's most vibrant first ladies; she has a distinctive style that every American woman can aspire to, whether the consumer is a Target shopper or some one more likely to be found on Miracle Mile." [Page Six]
• How does Angelina Jolie feel when people refer to her and Brad Pitt as "Brangelina"? "Honestly, I don't have a thought either way," she says. "Although on the set of Changeling, Clint Eastwood was calling us 'Clintelina'. I think that sounds funnier." Oh, and Angelina hasn't seen Brad's new movie, Benjamin Button yet. But she says, "Brad looks good ageing backwards. And no, I've not been on the set of Inglourious Basterds. This is a Tarantino film, so we're thinking, 'What's a good day to bring children on set?'" [Telegraph]
• Winona Ryder had her stomach pumped at a hospital in London after a suspected accidental overdose on a British Airways flight. She has a fear of flying and may have taken too many Xanax pills — this report claims she "collapsed twice" in first class. (How do you collapse when you're in a first class seat on a plane?) In any case, she's been discharged from the hospital. [The Sun, Mirror, Telegraph]
• Rosie O'Donnell says Barbara Walters wanted everyone on The View to act like they got along: "I'm not saying they loathe each other, but the fact of the matter is, there was not a lot of camaraderie off camera." Rosie also says her new show will not be like The View: "The job description here is to entertain. It will be an hour of fun, laughter, singing and dancing. No politics. No arguing. No talking about controversial things. That, to me, is what is needed now." [LA Times]
• Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman showed up arm-in-arm to the GQ Men of the Year party, and held hands at the event and were spotted kissing, so it's looking like it's on. [Yahoo News]
• Kelly Osbourne: Engaged! Boyfriend Luke Worrell asked Ozzy Osbourne for permission to propose, awww. And brave! [The Sun]
• Brooke Shields says the world has got to save Lipstick Jungle. "NBC is now flooded with lipstick. Women are in uproar over this…they’ve tried to kill us before and we have refused to die." And writer Ilene Rosenzweig says: "There are no other female-driven dramas on television, and if this one goes, it will have been the last. But women are so sick of reality TV and want to have a place where they can turn for escapism and frivolity, but also to confront the real struggles that powerful women face in the workplace and at home." [Daily Beast]
• It's official: Britney Spears did write a song for Adnan Ghalib, called "Mmm Papi," and the lyrics are: "You love it when I'm freaking out / Things get rough and there's no doubt / You will always be there for me." [Perez Hilton]
• Okay, she didn't write the song for Adnan. It's just a song. [Perez Hilton]
• Michael Jackson could be forced to fly to the High Court in London to testify in a case being brought against him by the King of Bahrain's son. [Telegraph]
• Oh, wait: Michael Jackson is intending to go to court, his lawyers claim. [Yahoo News]
• Jennifer Aniston watches Friends, and says "there are times when I laugh my rear end off." Nothing more amusing than watching yourself be amusing, huh? [MSNBC]
• Why Forbes has an annual list of "Hollywood's 10 Hottest Tots" is a question to ponder, but know this: Suri Cruise is number one. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is in second place after coming in first last year; Zahara Jolie-Pitt, 3, is in third place; and Pax Jolie-Pitt, 4, is fourth on the list. [Breitbart]
• Another Forbes list: Hollywood's Top-Earning Couples. "Jay-Z and his new bride, Beyoncé Knowles, collectively raked in $162 million between June 1, 2007 and June 1, 2008." [Forbes]
• Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have broken up, you guys, but no one cheated on anyone: Vanessa Fontana from that BFF show says "Paris and Benji were loyal and faithful to each other. I love Paris, and I just want her to be happy. I think that they'll be better as friends." [Yahoo News via E!]
• And yes, Paris was "all over" her ex, Stavros Niarchos, earlier this week. A source spills: "Benji didn't like it that she spent the evening with Stavros. He blew up and Paris felt victimized. He gave her a lot of grief about that. She felt she couldn't cut loose and party. He doesn't drink and doesn't think she should either. She felt too fenced in." [Star Magazine]
• A different person says Paris and Stavros were just having a friendly conversation. "In no way are they romantic, nor do they want to get back together," the source says. [People]
• Mark Hoppus from Blink 182 says the plane crash has him speaking to Travis Barker again, after the band's messy split in 2005. "We're just reconnecting as friends after four years of not talking," he says. "It's a good thing." [Reuters]
• Additional info about the crash that injured Travis Barker here. The pilot of the jet warned air traffic controllers that his plane was "going off the end" before it crashed, killing him and 3 others. The cockpit recordings have been released. [CBS News]
• You'll enjoy this: NeNe has written "5 Ways Real Housewives Of Atlanta has Changed My Life." She says: "I’m not surprised that Anderson Cooper is talking about me! Wouldn’t you talk about me? I’m not surprised. Anderson Cooper is gorgeous. He is THE silver fox, and I just wish he’d come over on this side of the street. And come over here and talk to me!" [People]
• Fifty-eight year old Bill Murray was spotted having a fancy dinner in Chicago with 27-year-old Miss USA, Crystle Stewart. Nothing lost in translation there! [Perez Hilton]
• Kevin Spacey is in a new flick called Men Who Stare At Goats. He plays a "psychic guru." George Clooney is in the film, too and, presumably, some goats. [io9]
• Noted author Pamela Anderson has written an open letter to Barack Obama. She has suggestions! Free Leonard Peltier, castrate sex offenders, legalize marijuana, promote vegetarianism, stop animal testing, and bring the troops home safely! Now where's her cabinet position? [Perez Hilton]
• Film students! James Franco wants to be in your movie. "I haven’t acted in any student films yet," he says. "You would think that more people would ask me to be in their movies, but they haven’t." Franco is studying directing at NYU. Please, guys. Cast him. [NY Mag]
• Oh! James Franco's next role after Milk will be gay poet Allen Ginsberg in the movie Howl. Back-to-back gay roles "don't make any difference to me," Franco says. [Rush & Molloy]
• Julia Stiles was in a play that required her to utter these words about her "first time in bed with a black man": "He came over to borrow a highlighter. Next thing I knew, my panties were off and I was sitting on his face." [NY Mag]
• People are bidding £1 million for the house where David Beckham lived as a baby. Similar houses in the area were sold for £250,000. WTF. [Yahoo News]
• Whoopi Goldberg shows Liz Smith her tattoos: She has two dragons and a little Woodstock. [WowoWow]
• Tom Jones sang on the sidewalk in London to raise money for a cancer charity. He belted out "It's Not Unusual" and people did double takes; he performed four songs for the British Busking Challenge run by the BBC's Culture Show. [News.com.au]
• Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are still engaged. And the wedding will be small, which means you're not invited. Sorry. [People]
• Back in August, Jackson Browne sued John McCain for using his song, "Running On Empty." Now McCain says Browne complained so he could get press to promote his new album, which came out a month later. McCain also argues that he can use whatever song he wants, since he's running for office and not trying to make money off of the music. What will the court decide? [TMZ]
• Michelle Hurd, who plays Eleanor Waldorf's assistant, Laurel, on Gossip Girl, says she bought her mom a vibrator for Christmas: "I actually got my mother the Rabbit last year," she says. "She was quite shocked and turned red instantly, but probably a month later she very quietly thanked me." [NY Mag]
• Actor John Turturro has great things to say about Barack Obama: "I think it's very interesting that he wants to surround himself with people who are strong and good. That's what Lincoln did—he put his adversaries, people who were on the other side, into his cabinet." But! Turturro, born and raised in Brooklyn, doesn't mind if Hillary Clinton moves to Washington: "I don't consider Hillary Clinton a New Yorker. I consider her a Senator from New York, but I don't consider her a New Yorker. She is from Illinois. A lot of people in New York aren't from New York, but she hasn't been here long enough for me to consider her a New Yorker." [Observer]
• Usher's mom maybe didn't pay her limo driver, boo. [TMZ]
• Is Kirk Cameron — who says civil marriage is not susceptible to any change because it is ordained by God — one of the "American Taliban"? [The Atlantic]
• Brit band Take That has a song inspired Amy Winehouse: Lyrics include, "All this noise and all these lights/All this talking through the night. All this expectation now it’s making me neurotic/ Tell me have I seen your face before? How did it come to this?/ How did it ever come to this?" [The Sun]
• Homecoming time! James Van Der Beek went back to Wilmington, NC — working with some of his former Dawson's Creek crew — for a guest appearance on the CW's One Tree Hill. [AP]
• Is anyone sorta tickled by the Bob Hope postage stamp? Thanks for the memories… [Yahoo News]
• Ivanka Trump's writing her first book! A "motivational title for women of her generation" with personal experiences in life and business, and lessons learned from her father and other business luminaries. Look for it in fall 2009. [PW]
• Adrien Brody was interviewed by gay magazine The Advocate, but refused to answer the silly questions asked of him, explaining that he is a "serious person." [Perez Hilton]
• Mischa Barton's official web site is live. Not that you care. [Socialite Life]
• Rita Wilson tried to buy a Beatles poster for her husband, Tom Hanks, but the seller couldn't provide a certificate of authenticity. Wilson declined to make the purchase and the seller "became belligerent" and now the mess is in court. Can't buy me love? [TMZ]
• Rod Stewart's son Sean is being sued by his personal trainer. Pay your bills! [TMZ]
• Four words: Monty Python YouTube Channel! [Telegraph]
• Mel Gibson's marriage is not on the rocks, even though there's "a dark-haired beauty named Oksana" who hangs around his movie set and "no one is quite sure what her role is." [Rush & Molloy]
• "She packs for me with beautiful notes in my luggage that I discover. She's always doing sweet things." — Seal on Heidi Klum. [People]
• "I like writing songs about boys and relationships. And when someone breaks up with me, I like to write about it, because I feel like I have the last word. That's the fun part. I have no issue with naming names. My personal goal is for my songs to be so detailed that the guy the song is written about knows it's about him." — Taylor Swift. [Rolling Stone]
• "She's a technically amazing singer, obviously — if she wasn't a star, she could always make a living with that voice, because it's like an instrument. But it's also such an original voice — as soon as you hear it on any track, you know exactly who it is. A great singer is somebody who makes you believe what they're saying, and you always believe what Annie is telling you… I also have to be superficial for a moment and point out that she is this unbelievably hot chick — and she has stayed hot to this day." — Rob Thomas on Annie Lennox. [Rolling Stone]
• "Well there's no doubt that election night was a bittersweet night. But in some ways, these kinds of setbacks allow for a bigger fight, more challenges, and eventually we're going to get it right. Eventually the American public will figure out that it really isn't right to deny citizens basic civil human rights. And we can no longer allow that to happen." — Kevin Spacey on Prop 8. [HuffPo]
• "Travelling with the family is fun… The other day, when we flew from LA to Germany, all of us had terrible jet lag. The children kept waking up, so we all got up, turned on the TV, made snacks, and were up until 4am. We laughed our heads off - the kids are some of the funniest people Brad and I have ever met. So more [children] sounds like a great idea, as much as it's hard work. It's just worth it." — Angelina Jolie. [Telegraph]
• "This is nothing new for me. When I got married, it was an act of civil disobedience as much as it was a love story. There is not any person in the country who doesn’t know I’m for gay marriage. I'm not vocal enough? I got married before anyone else did. I’ve been living it and living it for a very long time." — Rosie O'Donnell, to critics who question why she's been "absent" from the uproar over Prop 8. [LA Times]

[Nice, France; October 8. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[New Orleans, October 6. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Star
"Little Princesses." Intern Margaret says, "The story is summed up on the cover." It's six pages comparing growing up Shiloh Jolie-Pitt to growing up Suri Cuise. (Shiloh: Hand-me-downs, cookie monster, twin dollies, free spirit. Suri: $$$ Designer duds, still a bottle baby, security blanket, calls the shots.) After reading about who likes Nutella and Meerkat Manor, here's what you glean: Shiloh's the down-to-earth kid whose mom cuts her hair and who runs around the backyard getting dirty, while Suri gets salon cuts, throws a fit if her blanket is left behind and has a closet full of expensive dresses. Suri picks out her clothes herself, except when the nanny helps. Moving on: Christina Applegate has been dating Martyn Lenoble for several months and she wants to have his baby. So even though she has breast cancer, she doesn't want to have chemo or radiation until she gives birth. Some doctor who doesn't treat her says pregnancy can help some early-stage breast cancer. Next: While in Los Cabos, Mexico, John Mayer disappeared for a 25 minute walk with a young lady and came back smoking a cigar. There are hot tub pix. The mag says: "The notorious ladies man may have sparked the stogie to celebrate a flash of freedom far from his 39-year-old girlfriend and her baby dreams." Egads. Are Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds planning to get hitched this winter after ScarJo's birthday? The mag says will it be a traditional Jewish ceremony in NYC. Madonna is mad at Britney because the pictures of Brit's "surprise" video for the Sticky & Sweet tour got leaked online and Madge thinks Brit's camp is to blame. Blind item! "Which hot TV actor was lying when he said he wasn't dating a certain reality star? Source say she recently visited him on set, where they spent 2 hours flirting with each other." Guesses? Lastly: Reese lost 20 lbs. "for Jake."
Grade: F (anal fistula)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Cutest Kids." An 11-page "special" with lots of pictures of celebrity babies. Suri Cruise gets a 2-page spread about going to The Little Mermaid on Broadway and going bowling in New York. All of the kids get tags; for instance: Maddox is "the daredevil," Zahara is "the globe-trotter," Apple is "The Clotheshorse." Valentina Pinault, Salma Hayek's kid, is "The Accessorizer." She is 11 months old. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan thinks of the Ronsons as "the family she never had" because they are close to each other and not fucked up. She also changed her Facebook religion status to "I'm converting" so now there's speculation that she will become Jewish! Slow news summer. Next: Angelina's on a "race to get ready" for Brad Pitt's movie premiere August 27th. The movie is Burn After Reading and the mag claims Angie "wants to look like a trophy wife" on the red carpet so she's trying to lose 20 lbs. Insane on so many levels! There are newborn twins at home in addition to like a posse of other kids. Are we really supposed to believe she is worrying about her red carpet weight? Fuck.
Grade: F, but B if you LOVE baby pix. (self-correcting rectal prolapse)


Us Weekly
"18 Lbs In 10 Weeks!" Jennifer Love Hewitt exclusive! There's a different picture from a different angle inside the magazine and her body looks different. Not as whittled down. In the six-page story, the mag talks to her trainer and discovers — shocker — that Love Hewitt has been working out more and eating less. If you're interested in her exact diet and workout plan, it's there, in all of its boring detail. (No carbs after 3pm.) Next: Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer headed for a breakup? (Did it already happen?) There are pictures of him in a hot tub with some chicks, looking smug and smoking a cigar. Us also calls out Star and OK!'s "fake news" for running Jen/John baby and marriage stories last week. Also inside: In a 4-page story interview with Lauren and Lo about The Hills, the reporter compliments LC's runny mascara in the season 4 trailer. Lauren responds by naming the mascara and eyeliner she was wearing that day, which happen to be Avon, the company she reps. Ooh! A picture of the transgendered contestant on the upcoming cycle of America's Next Top Model! Her name is Isis (Fig. 1). Lastly, Ali Lohan has, um, filled out. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (anal abscess)


OK!
"Britney Tells All ABout Her Boys And Her New Life." Brit's "first interview in 2 years" is 8 pages long, with new pictures of Jayden and whatshisface wearing white tuxedoes in the backyard. Britney is wearing a white dress but it's like, a bikini cover-up that you can see through and the top is split from sternum to belly. The story is filled with the humdrum details of Brit's daily life: She reads the boys Berenstein Bears books. There's kiddie artwork on the fridge. She makes them pancakes. Intern Margaret says, "It's chock full of details, but they're details you don't care about. She seems healthy." Brit says she has a good relationship with her mom now and and appreciates her more. It ends on a hopeful though frightening note: Britney is writing a lot of songs for her new album. Next: The first line of the "Suri & The City" story reads, "Move over Carrie Bradshaw, there's a new trendsetter in town!" More on ScarJo's wedding: Even though Scarlett has said she has no immediate plans to get married, she was spotted reading InStyle Weddings & Brides, and an spy says "You could tell that she had earmarked pages." Plus! She totally wore white to a movie premiere! Lastly: "Is Lindsay A Faux-Mosexual?" She was seen flirting with guys. She's also "the aggressive one" in her relationship with Sam.
Grade: C- (anal fissure)


In Touch
"Jamie Lynn Betrayed." The mag tracked down Kelli Dawson, 28, who claims she had a relationship with 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn's fiancé and baby daddy. Kelli, 28, yes, 28 years old, is photographed in virginal white wearing a wooden cross around her neck. She says: "I still love him and I think he loves me." They were still sleeping together when JLS was six months pregnant with Casey's baby. Kelli says, "I see him all the time, at least once a week." They live in the same town. "I think that he's trapped," Kelli sighs. She also says: "When I see Jamie Lynn doing interviews and talking about how happy she is with Casey, it seems so fake. She is trying to paint a pretty picture, but it's messy art." Truth! Moving on: The "Jen And John Take A Break" story has more hot tub pix. Page 6 of this issue has a poll question, "Are you surprised that Britney hasn't had sex in 7 months?" (Fig. 3) It makes little sense until you get to page 56, where you find a story called "Seven Months Without Sex!" So basically, Britney's been working out instead of getting laid. Also she's been living with her dad. Dr. Drew says: "With bipolar, you become hypersexual. Before Britney began treatment, sleeping around with different men could have been the result of the manic state she was in." Britney joked to a friend: "How do you make out with a guy while your dad watches?" Next: Nicole and Joel have hit a rough patch. She's living in his house in Glendale and feels likes she's stuck in the suburbs. She wants to move back to Hollywood! Also, is her baby daddy helping enough? While on tour, Joel said: "It's hard to be on the road, but I have a great girl and she takes care of everything." Lastly: Guy Ritchie gave Madonna a $100,00 Rolex Masterpiece in tricolor 18K gold, surrounded by 42 brilliant baguette cut diamonds, the "ultimate timepiece."
Grade: C (hemorrhoids)


Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

• Is nothing sacred? Are there any bastions of hope left in this world? Brace yourselves, people: Word on the net is that Jennifer Garner is considering breaking up with husband Ben Affleck. Ted Casablanca says Ben's mom has never particularly liked Jen, who broke Michael Vartan's heart to hook up with Ben in the first place. Sniff. [E!, via ONTD]
• Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's film debut! She's in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. Look closely at the 1:21 minute mark in this trailer; Brad holds Shiloh as she watches a balloon float away. The girl's a star! [Socialite Life]
• Britney can have her kids for overnight visits! Progress! [TMZ]
• So remember how a pack of surfers attacked a gang of paparazzi at the beach where Matthew McConaughey was surfing? Apparently there may be another rumble scheduled! Comments on the x17 website between surfers and photogs indicate that "it's on" for Saturday. Bring your leather jacket and switchblade comb. [Rush & Molloy]
• The new issue of In Style has Anne Hathaway gushing about Raffaello Follieri — you know, her ex who was busted for fraud and money laundering yesterday. [Page Six]

• Lindsay Lohan has been showing up early for call time on her new flick, Labor Pains. Plus! She knows all of her lines and her co-workers "actually like her," says a source. The bigger question is: Will this movie be better or worse than Just My Luck? [Page Six]
• Is Madonna being sabotaged? Apparently her old record label, Warner, is planting negative stories about Live Nation or something. [Fox 411]
• And! Is Madonna getting divorced, like for realz? Apparently she's hiring the same divorce lawyer who "masterminded" Paul McCartney's court battle with Heather Mills. Uh-oh, is Guy Ritchie in trouble? [Mirror]
• Pamela Anderson will be in the Big Brother house… In Australia. She's just popping in to teach the housemates the "tricks of her trade." No idea what that means. [News.com.au]
• This kerfluffle about the picture of Tom Cruise looking so much like his Valkyrie character, the real life German officer who plotted to assassinate Hitler — which turns out to be a Photoshop scandal — is so boring I can't say anymore about it. [AP]
• Jill Scott is engaged! Congrats! [Perez Hilton]
• Is Kylie Minogue back with Olivier Martinez? Did she say "I just can't get you out of my head" ? [The Sun]
• Salman Rushdie has been knighted by the Queen. Act accordingly. [The Star]
• Billy Zane spent a night trying to pick up women in an L.A. club while his girlfriend Kelly Brook was working 3,000 miles away in Virginia, boo. [Daily Mail]
• Charlotte Church says she wants enough kids to have a "rugby team." [The Sun]
• Remember Amy Jo Johnson? She was Julie on Felicity. She's expecting her first child in the fall, with fiancé Olivier Giner. [People]
• Kanye West and Alicia Keys were winners at the BET awards. [E!]
• Charlize Theron likes to go camping. "I'm a tough girl and I can not shower for a week - I'm fine with that." [The Sun]
• Did MSNBC's Keith Olbermann pitch a fit over not getting a first-class train ticket to Tim Russert's funeral? Because that is tacky. [Page Six]
• Michael Jordan broke some kid's heart, aww. [Page Six]
• John Mayer had the decency to warn ex gf Minka Kelly that the news about him dating Jennifer Aniston was about to hit the press. He said, "Sorry, but I'm really in love." Hmmm. [Page Six]
• Tony Danza wants to play Nixon's chief of staff in a movie? Don't make me say it. Okay. Who's the boss? [Page Six]
• A nun spotted Steven Tyler in a Starbucks and got super super psyched. A nun. [Page Six]
• As previously reported, Heather Locklear is in a facility for depression and anxiety. Be well! (Remember in March, when her doctor called 911 and claimed she was suicidal?) [Page Six]
• Janet Jackson's CD hasn't been selling well, but tickets to her concerts have! Plus: She might do (sigh) a reality show. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "What two hunky actors are refraining from any public displays of affection now that spies on their set are suggesting they're more than friends?" [Rush & Molloy]

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)
Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)
In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)
OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)
Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)