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April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
Adele Gets Slimmed Down In Vogue

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foodandshoes
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
"Curvy" has lost all meaning. I prefer "hourglass," which in day-to-day terms means "I have to shell out for tailoring because I have boobs, a round butt, and a small waist and I can't seem to buy off the rack."

Oh and the white privilege is showing...it's not only the suggestion that beige shoes elongate everyone's line; it's calling said shoes "nude."
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debo matar la zombi goldberry83
03/27/09

@foodandshoes: it's not only the suggestion that beige shoes elongate everyone's line; it's calling said shoes "nude."

I know, right? Crayola cut that shit out in the 80s!
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vulcanized
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
I've determined that lengthening my legs is unnecessary. They already reach from my body to the floor, so additional length would be fairly useless or even prohibitive.
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tscheese
03/27/09

@vulcanized and zombified: I don't need to lengthen my legs either. I have a 36" inseam. If my legs get any longer via some Magical Taupe Shoes, I'm going to have to be checked for a pituitary problem.
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YourScreenplaySucks
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
They even speculate as to how they got this way - "family rumor is that there was so much tuberculosis from generation to generation that maybe there's something in our blood."

I personally attribute my thinness to judiciously timed bouts of dysentery, but I can see how tuberculosis would be much less messy. Thanks Vogue! This is the kind of beauty advice I want from my magazines.
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bluebears
03/27/09

@Your Screenplay Sucks: I attribute it to a long dead great great uncle who caught a cold back in the old country. or cocaine. either one.
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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
One Woman Conquers Her Diet Demons...By Refusing To Read Any More LadyMags And Eating And Wearing Whatever The Fuck She Wants.
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BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit)
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
Tuberculosis did nothing for my sCurvy body shape. This is just a big rickets to sell more magazines.
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Santos L Halper
03/27/09

@BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit): They're marketing it for mass consumption.
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Mkp-hearts-NYC
03/27/09

@BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit): I knew consumpthing was plaguing me about that quote, but I couldn't decide
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tscheese
03/27/09

@BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit): We'll just have to be beri-beri careful from now on.

I mean, I think Wintour means well, so I don't want to cholera liar, but she's not exactly doing much to make me feel better about my humps, my humps, my lovely lady mumps.
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Mkp-hearts-NYC
03/27/09

@tscheese: I don't want to act rashly, but I can't take even tumor of these lousy mags...
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tscheese
03/27/09

@Mkp-hearts-NYC: We should rubella-gainst the system! I am the zoster child for rebellion and revolution! SARSiously, we should start our own magazine. You can be on the staph.
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Mkp-hearts-NYC
03/27/09

@tscheese: I'll have to cancerder it carefully - could our magazine have its own (para)site? We'd be able to cover a broad malaria of interests...
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femputer
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
oh no! I embarassed myself with a black girlfriend & the nude shoes thing. I had just discovered this amazing trick and was expounding on it - she was like, err, no, I couldn't lengthen my legs with nude shoes. ASS.
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tscheese
03/27/09

@femputer: There seems to be a very, very narrow subset of women who, by nature or by tanning sprays, ACTUALLY have the complexion to "lengthen" their legs in "nude" shoes.

On me, "nude" looks like "caramel" because my legs are blinding white.
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femputer
03/27/09

@tscheese: Ditto! I have a pair that is more cream than tan for that reason...still doesn't match the greenish tinge my skin has (you know, from the VEINS you can see through it). *Le Sigh*
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LaFemme
03/27/09

@tscheese: I know, right? I think I need to do ivory.

Though I fight my whiteness with build as you go tanners, so maybe one day I can wear those tan shoes and have it be ok.
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tscheese
03/27/09

@femputer: How dare you have, like, a CIRCULATORY SYSTEM! It is so awful that you are getting blood to the tissues in your body. SHAAAME! SHAAAAME!

(Please don't feel bad about having any visible veins. They are very important.)
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femputer
03/27/09

@tscheese: LMAO - what you say is even funnier (or more pathetic?) in light of the actual teasing I received growing up about this (and still do, actually). I just tell myself that in the middle ages rich women would paint them on to look like they never ventured outside...
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tscheese
03/27/09

@LaFemme: I fight tanners with whiteness. I walk down that aisle of the drugstore and all the bronzers and DIY tanners are like "DAAAMN GIRL PUT THAT AWAY YOU ARE BLINDING US" and I'm like "NO".

Maybe we can become a team or something. I can incapacitate the build-as-you-go tanners, and you can gather them up when they are vulnerable. Win-win!
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Mav
03/27/09

@tscheese: I'm so white, when I step outside in shorts the ISS can see the glare.

OOooh what now?
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LaFemme
03/27/09

@tscheese: Sounds good! You can paralyze them and I will grab frantically while talking to myself about the need to make gold sandals look good and the pros and cons of each product. Don't expect to understand me, the world of fake tanning uses a foreign language.
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tscheese
03/27/09

@Mav: I'm so white that the only reason you can SEE the ISS is because of my reflection.
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Scoithniamh
03/27/09

@tscheese: True, to a point. I have ridiculously pale, Irish, nigh translucent skin (I am basically a walking posterboard for the circulatory system), but "nude" heels still look good on me. The point is not that they match your skin tone- white heels are ugly, and that's what I'd need- it's that they don't create a strong dividing line between calf and foot and oh my god, I've fallen prey to the magazine rules good lord. Save yourselves. I cannot let go of my nude shoes.
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BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit)
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
Tuberculosis is the new tape worm!
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Jackiewsu
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
I love Vogues annual "Hi fatties!! We see you" issue. How does Beyonce handle her big ol size 6 curves?
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bluebears
03/27/09

@Jackiewsu: she is so brave for appearing on that magazine cover without a paper bag on her head.
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femputer
03/27/09

@Jackiewsu: @bluebears: yeah, I really hope she has a good therapist. The poor dear.
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rd2uk
03/27/09

@Jackiewsu: her curves are balanced out by her 19 inch waist, obv!
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Kristin Pendleton
03/27/09

Doesn't that insistence on the 19 inch waist and "she's actually tinier than Jerry Hall!" kinda demean the comfortably curvyness of Beyonce? Like she's no longer proud to be the size of the average woman (which she's not) and is now a Vogue crossover?
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rd2uk
03/27/09

@Kristin Pendleton: exactly. i hate that she/her reps felt the need to go on the record with her waist size, all the while playing up the curvy healthy image. meh. dont see much difference in the 19 inch waist statement and the jennifer love hewitt 'im a size 2' debacle. ugh ugh UGH

its like saying being 'normal size' is not ok. look im not normal sized im skinny! i have a 19 inch waist! best shape of my life!
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AtomiClash: humanitarian misanthrope
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
Regardless of actual skin-tone, I cannot help but think "nude" heels make a woman look like she just escaped from a dress rehearsal for the Rockettes and has learned how to walk in tap shoes without tapping.
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bluebears
03/27/09

@AtomiClash: or the ice capades.
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bluebears
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
that quote about tuberculosis is hilarious. I eagerly await their groundbreaking research into genetic tb.
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femputer
03/27/09

@bluebears: yeah, that really was priceless. Countdown to westerners trying to bring TB back in 5...4...3...
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morninggloria
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
This is why I don't subscribe to Vogue. I don't have to pay several dollars (dollars that I could be spending on cat food or Red Vines) on something that will just make me feel bad about myself for not being skinny enough or having enough money.
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rosasparks
03/27/09

@morninggloria: Yeah, besides, I am well aware my shape isn't considered when the clothes featured in Vogue are made, so why even bother?

I could save my $4.00 for when I want to go eat at Pho Paradise with minisparks. That's time AND money well spent.
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morninggloria
03/27/09

@rosasparks looks like a Fraggle: I could use it to buy a bottle of Three Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's and drink it all on my couch while watching 30 Rock DVDs.
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lalaland13
03/27/09

@morninggloria: I subscribe to Vogue because I'm a magazine whore. And it smells good. Yes, I love the smell of paper. Say, if I ate Vogue, I could be as thin as everyone in Vogue.

Seriously, I'm not entirely sure why I do, but it seems better, for some reason, to be told about the latest hosiery that costs more than I make in a year than it does to read more hot and sexy sex tips.
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Eleanor Ramilly
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
I hate the swimsuit features that come out in every magazine at this time of year. They are identical and without fail (or with major fail if you will) offer the ugliest, tackiest suits. Just because you have a little meat on your bones doesn't mean you need to cover it with a horizontal stripe (slimming!) sack (coverage!) while you sun bathe.
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the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene
03/27/09

@Shannon: or wear a skirted bottom because you're "hippy" and lots of frilly ruffles on top because you're "small busted." ugh.
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BellaTricks
03/27/09

@the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene: not to mention the dreaded "tankini."
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TheFormerJuneBronson
03/27/09

@Shannon: Yes, well, we ought to know we have no right to be exposing ourselves to the daylight anyhow.
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Mmmmkay (gellin' and Jezebelin)
03/27/09

@the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene: solid colors minimize the bust! floral patterns add interest! just kill yourself now! you'll never look good!
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Samanthrax
03/27/09

@Shannon: If Vogue could tell me where to get a bathing suit that doesn't give my tall ass a painful frontal wedgie, I would consider subscribing.
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Eleanor Ramilly
03/27/09

@the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene: @BellaTricks: @TheFormerJuneBronson: Heaven forbid we were to wear a bathing suit simply because we like it. I want to do one for a male oriented magazine.

For thin men:

Knee-length Hawaiian print trunks are perfect for you! The busy print will make your thighs look fuller!

For curvy men:

Your best bet is knee-length Hawaiian print trunks. The flowers will distract eyes and minimize flaws!

For athletic men:

Show off your perfect tummy and muscle arms with a great pair of knee-length Hawaiian print trunks! All the ladies will swoon for your happy trail!
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tscheese
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
Here's something I never understood:

Have you ever seen this trope - the "dress for your shape" article, like mentioned above? Magazines sometimes trot out, say, three women: one "curvy", one "athletic", and one just generally trim - and I can NEVER ACTUALLY spot a considerable difference between their body types.

It's usually just three conventionally attractive, slender women, but oh no, the "curvy" one might wear a size 4 instead of a 2, so she gets to wear a skirt, and the "athletic" one has a hint of bicep, so she gets to wear a sleeveless top, etc, etc, and THEY NEVER ACTUALLY LOOK THAT DIFFERENT. The outfit on #1 would look just as good in the outfit on #3. How come the "athletic" moddle can't wear the "curvy" skirt? How come the "curvy" moddle can't bare her perfectly smooth, flab-free narrow arms in the "athletic" top?

Meanwhile, all the moddles pictured are like, half my size? And they could fit in my ribcage? And it doesn't help me at all that they think this tiny, trim "curvy" moddle has to cover up any of her anatomy? Am I overthinking this? I HATE THIS.
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bluebears
03/27/09

@tscheese: um....did you actually want Vogue to lower itself to photographing real women? You sicken me with your selfish demands.
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LaFemme
03/27/09

@tscheese: I don't know, I think in some mags there is a big difference, like in Glamour. I know this because I always feel that somehow I am all and yet none of these body types. Like, curvy? Yeah, but I am like a 2 not an 18 which is what they are showing. Petite? Yeah, but sorry I can't wear tiny shorts to make my legs look longer, plus my thighs are kinda curvy, see above. Athletic? Not really, but I am not opposed to showing my arms. I do exercise so maybe I am? Big busted? Mmmm... 32c? Dont really require these turtlenecks and supportive bras though.
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rednrowdy
03/27/09

@tscheese: Magazines sometimes trot out, say, three women: one "curvy", one "athletic", and one just generally trim - and I can NEVER ACTUALLY spot a considerable difference between their body types.

curvy is short for thin with big boobs...rarely is that not the case and i can only think of two people who fits 'thin with big booty': j-lo and beyonce
athletic is short for thin with slightly more muscular arms
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JLady
03/27/09

@tscheese: The only mag that's ever done those sections well is Glamour. Those women are various shapes and sizes and all look happy with their bodies.
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vamusical
03/27/09

@tscheese:

Magazines sometimes trot out, say, three women: one "curvy", one "athletic", and one just generally trim - and I can NEVER ACTUALLY spot a considerable difference between their body types.

This is akin to wrinkle creams that use 21 year old models in their ads.
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JLady
03/27/09

@rednrowdy: Really? I find that nice times out of ten, curvy is code for big (see the lovely Queen Latifah who makes it look good). So when I see specials about curvy women I usually get excited, expecting to see Marilyn-style curves, and then that's not at all what it is.

There is no winning. Ever.
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sciencerules
03/27/09

@tscheese: and what do you do if you're short AND busty? I cannot possibly synthesize that data for myself! Help me, Obi-wan Vouge-y, you're my only hope!
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thesciencegirl wields the truth like a mighty axe.
03/27/09

@tscheese: I hate how they never show combinations. Like, what if you're plus-sized AND pear-shaped? What are you supposed to wear?! There's this sort of icky assumption that "plus-sized" is a body shape, as though we're all the same amorphous blobs. Likewise for the "tall" women, etc.
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Santos L Halper
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
Exactly 6.89 seconds until the next flashing banner ad you see of before and after stomachs is selling "Tuberculothin - The Miracle Weight Loss"
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NerD: Blattella
03/27/09

In reply to April Vogue Loves Your Body, Especially If It's Wrapped In Balenciaga
I think Vogue has a mission statement where they will never have a woman in their mag above a size 8.
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Samanthrax
03/27/09

@NerD!!!: And thank god for that. Size 8 and up = huuuuge fatties. It's not like Vogue specializes in tents.
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