Maybe it's not helped by the fact that Daniel Bergner (who's examined the fairer sex's fairer sexuality before) begins his discussion of one researcher's therapy session this way:

At her group therapy sessions for women despairing of low sexual desire, Lori Brotto likes to pass around a plastic tub of raisins. The women, usually six to a group, sit around two pushed-together beige tables in a fluorescently lighted conference room at the British Columbia Center for Sexual Medicine in Vancouver. A little potted tree is jammed randomly in one corner. Ragged holes scar one wall where a painting used to hang. The décor doesn't speak of sensuality. That is the job of the raisin.

We get it; it's not sexy. In fact, it's vaguely sad, isn't it, all these women yearning after bodice-ripping desire and playing with that dowdiest of all foodstuffs, raisins. It rather serves to cast doubt on the author's feelings about the whole science - which, his piece goes on to explain, has trouble being taken seriously by a traditionally male establishment. And if he, an author whose work is devoted to, well, taking these things seriously, can't forbear a little gentle smirking, it's telling indeed. And yet, it's a fascinating piece, and an important one: Brotto, the researcher, estimates that some 30% of women experience bouts of "hypoactive sexual desire disorder" - a loss of libido that's almost completely mental, and that "between 7 and 15 percent of all young and middle-aged women - an age range that researchers generally set between the neighborhoods of 20 and 60 - feel distressed over the absence of desire."

The lack of understanding - and funding - of the syndrome is what Brotto seeks to address. What's traditionally been dismissed or roped in with other forms of dysfunction seems too wide-reaching and too fundamental to not deserve its own area of study. Brotto's therapy, whose results by her own admission are difficult to classify, involves "an immersion in physical sensation" - a sort of sexual biofeedback that helps the women reconnect the mental and physical.

Much of her approach is based upon the work of a researcher called Rosemary Basson, whose " Basson Sexual Response Cycle" is making waves in the medical community. Bergner explains it thusly:

"desire follows arousal," is a real rearrangement of expectation and a reweighting of sexual theory. The model with swollen red lips gazing out with molten need from the billboard or the MTV dancer pumping her half-covered hips at the camera - these icons in heat embody a cultural standard. And though some women, according to Basson, do feel such craving some of the time - at the beginning of a new relationship, for example, or possibly at a certain point in the menstrual cycle - and though a few women may sense such electricity surging regularly through them, these images, she suggests, are largely illusory ideals. More likely for most women, Basson argues, the start of plenty - and maybe the great majority - of sexual encounters is defined not by heat but by slight warmth or flat neutrality. And there's nothing wrong with this, she says, nothing disordered...Brotto knows too that there are sexologists who maintain that desire by any definition - whether the sheer lust Basson minimizes or the responsive variety she trumpets - is almost entirely a cultural invention rather than a biological reality; that it has been made to seem essential by the sex scenes in movies and the advice columns in magazines; and that it is best deleted from the D.S.M. Leonore Tiefer, a professor in the psychiatry department at New York University and the author of a collection of essays titled "Sex Is Not a Natural Act," argues that the contrivance is compounded by the pharmaceutical industry, which offers research money to sexologists who find ways, no matter if unconsciously, to inflate hugely the numbers of women suffering from an already-fictive condition - a disorder that the drug companies intend to cure. High numbers help to increase awareness, which stokes demand. To what extent this theory represents truth, as opposed to being merely plausible, is hard to sort out.

What it all comes down to is quantifying - or qualifying - the normalcy of feminine desire. Bergner, himself, has made a study of the subject (his latest book is called "The Other Side of Desire: Four Journeys Into the Far Realms of Lust and Longing") and seems no closer to getting an answer than anyone else. Female lack of desire, in cultural terms, is not the badge of shame that men's sexual dysfunction is: a Viagra ad on the subway may show a man looking embarrassed, angry, emasculated, but "having a headache" is a standard cultural cliche. (That's why, after all, a Samantha Jones is still automatically comical.) So much for men: as long as he's "functional," the shrinks seem to feel he's fine! But there is, as the author and every frustrated researcher he quotes, no way of measuring a woman's sexual imperatives, so tied are they to society, culture, personal history. Not to mention, those who simply dislike raisins.

Women Who Want To Want [NY Times]

It's not that there's anything inappropriate about the little flirtatious compliments hosts pay to the women — especially actresses — who appear on their shows. And Letterman certainly isn't the only one to talk up his guests' beauty — Stewart's been known to do it too. but it does give the impression that the female guests are there as eye candy, even if they just, say, directed a film or completed a serious role. That's why it's so refreshing when, in the clip above, Jon Stewart jumps in after her hyperarticulate monologue about the history of Rhode Island to say, with obvious admiration, "you're very smart."

Given everything I've written about Letterman in the last couple days, you're probably expecting me to applaud the asexuality of the whole exchange. But it actually made me blush a little, because while all the "you're beautiful" comments are standard boilerplate for a celebrity interview, telling someone she's smart in a way seemed like actual flirting — or least, the kind of flirting I actually respond to. Calling a woman pretty is, while sometimes welcome, pretty much a Standard All-Purpose Compliment, while calling her smart (and meaning it) shows you're actually paying attention. So while I don't think Stewart's really hitting on Vowell here, I did find the whole thing kind of hot.

But that's just me. In a larger sense, it is nice to see a female guest treated like an actual author rather than a sex object. Of course, Vowell's whole persona — her clothes, her bowl haircut, her constant assertions of her own nerdiness — downplays sexuality in favor of intellect, and I wonder if this is a conscious choice. While Billy Parker's recent Gothamist interview with Vowell veers once into the semi-suggestive ("Have you always clicked with jokey fellas?"), Parker largely sticks with serious questions like, "What's the youngest reader that you're aware that you've had?" and, "Was Roger Williams a slight man?" Singers with sexy images, or writers un/fortunate enough to be tarred with the "hot writer" brush often end up getting asked a lot more about their looks and relationships, and a lot less about their work.

Vowell has a pretty funny This American Life piece about dressing as a goth, in part as a response to people assuming she's sweet all the time. So she's clearly aware of the power of appearance and its influence on social interaction. Most likely her personal style is just what makes her comfortable and happy, but her conservative outfits and simple hair also give her a certain freedom — the freedom to talk about what she wants to talk about, without participating in a played-out sexual script. It's a freedom some actresses might well envy.

Sarah Vowell, Author [Gothamist]
Sarah Vowell [Daily Show]

The article explains:

The mystery of why women have sex, and what they want out of it, has long been an elusive study-something even Sigmund Freud called "the great question." Researchers have historically theorized that women's motives lie in love and commitment, while newer studies have shown they do it for pleasure, just like men. But women are complicated creatures: their sexual health is determined as much by their emotions as by their physical state, which might help explain why as many as 50 percent of women have trouble getting aroused. Yet while scientists, in recent years, have labored over the "how" of female desire, no major study, until now, has actually asked women to describe why they have sex in the first place.

In their new book, Why Women Have Sex,University of Texas psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss aim to illuminate the complexities of women's sexual motivations through women's own words-an important step, they say, to better understanding how women can achieve sexual satisfaction.

No! You're kidding! What a novel idea! Let's just ask someone what turns them on!

The intrepid researchers also notice that motivations for sex vary:

Based on five years of research and an online survey of 1,000 women, the authors consider motivation ranging from altruistic sex ("I felt sorry for the guy") to revengeful sex ("I wanted to get back at my partner") to palliative sex ("I had a migraine"). We hear from women who've had sex to boost their confidence, even if it's with a man (or woman) they find repulsive, and from those who've used sex to barter for gifts or household chores (9 percent of us have used this form of economic sex, according to a University of Michigan study).

But my personal philosophy is fairly close to Dave Chappelle's:

But in case this needs to be clearer, here is a partial list of things that turn me on:

• Sexy men
• My boyfriend cooking
• A clean house
• First handsome guy spotted post yoga
• Assorted celebrities
• Hot guys with shape ups or dreadlocks
• Sexy yoga instructors

Getting the idea? I tend to follow patterns because I'm boring like that.

Things that turn me off:

• Stress
• Fox News
• Jamming it in. Ouch, damn it!

Feel free to help out the researchers in the comments section.

The Pursuit of Sexual Happiness [Newsweek]

Unsurprisingly, "Sense and Sexuality" was created by the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute, which claims on their website to offer the "leading resource for advice, training, and guidance of young conservative women" (the anti-feminist organization also famously encouraged their members to boycott and protest Ensler's play The Vagina Monologues). Their newest effort is the aforementioned craptastic website, based almost entirely on the work of Dr. Mariam Grossman. Grossman is a psychiatrist and author of the book Unprotected. She also has her own website, where she calls herself "100% M.D. 0% PC" and explains her mission: "I am here to tell you that radical politics pervades healthcare, and common sense has vanished. Who's paying the highest price? Girls and women."

"Sense and Sexuality" takes up Grossman's task of protecting women from themselves and the horrible choices they are bound to make, given the chance, and runs with it. The result is a website that is geared toward college students and claims to provide the "scientific facts" about sex, but only offers little blurbs about how having sex will ruin your life. A section titled "The Facts" features several sentences about convenient studies, mixed with "advice" that read like an order from Big Brother: "The rectum is an exit, not an entrance. Anal penetration is hazardous. Don't do it." And in case you were wondering, oral sex is also out. The scare tactics don't stop there. Sex will also make you depressed ("As the number of casual sex partners in the past year increased, so did signs of depression in college women"), alcohol will make you sleep with gross dudes ("Did you hear? Science has confirmed the existence of 'beer goggles'-when a person seems more attractive to you after you've had a few drinks. Enjoy a glass of wine or a couple of beers at a party, and the guy hitting on you begins to look better than when you arrived...In the morning, you both look different") and getting a Ph.D. will fill you with the horrible emptiness of a barren woman ("It saddens me each time a patient describes this-typically a student who always put career first, and is finally getting a Ph.D. at 38 or 40. She's thrilled to reach that milestone, but aches for another: to feel a new life inside her, to give birth").

One of the best (worst) quotes follows the question "Why can't I stop thinking about the guy I hooked up with last night when he can't remembers my name?" Grossman's answer? Oxytocin (see, they said there would be science!). Oxytocin apparently turns girls into needy messes while having absolutely no effect on men: "When it comes to sex, oxytocin, like alcohol, turns red lights green. It plays a major role in what's called 'the biochemistry of attachment.' Because of it, you could develop feelings for a guy whose last intention is to bond with you. You might think of him all day, but he can't remember your name." For all their claims that this is a "scientific" website, willing to tell you the hard facts where no one else will, this is about as science-y as it gets.

The most frustrating thing about the website is that it offers absolutely no advice beyond just say no! According to "Sense and Sexuality," condoms are bad, birth control is worse, and men are never, ever to be trusted. Sex will lead to heartbreak, infertility, and genital sores. That's it. "Sense and Sexuality" offers no other options the college-aged women they claim they want to help. There isn't even a mention of how sex can be positive within the bounds of marriage. The message here isn't wait until you're ready but instead sex is dangerous, bad, and you should be ashamed of yourself, young lady! "Sense and Sexuality" allows absolutely no sex, not now, not ever, and offers even less sense.

Sex & Sensuality: New Anti-Sex Website Shames Young Women [Feministing]
Sense And Sexuality [Official Site]
Miriam Grossman [Official Site]
Unprotected [Amazon]

Dear Aretha & Susie,

A year and half ago I was put on Paxil to treat my crippling panic attacks and ever-worsening agoraphobia. It worked great! No more panic attacks...but also no more orgasms and a seriously decreased libido.

I read that those side effects usually went away within a couple months, but with me, they didn't. Earlier this year I went off the Paxil for a few reasons (like my orgasms and libido) and it was amazing. I was afraid I'd lost the ability to orgasm, but after I'd been medication-free for a few weeks, I was able to come hard, and multiple times. For a couple of months I masturbated every day, and enjoyed it so much. However, the panic attacks and anxiety came back. I went back on the Paxil.

I've been in a new relationship for the past two months. It's the best sex I've ever had, and I get a lot of pleasure out of it, but it is frustrating not to orgasm. I would love to be able to come with my new partner. Within the past month, I've even decreased my dose of my medication from 20mg to 10mg, hoping it would help— it hasn't.

The only way I can come is if he goes down on me and I need a lot of stimulation- clitoral and vaginal. Even then I don't always get there. I've had a few orgasms this way— it takes a long time, but I am always ecstatic when it does happen.

I suppose my question is, why do SSRIs have this side effect? What can I do to combat it while on the medication? I'm 22 years old; I don't want to be having sexual problems right now!

I cannot switch my medication or see my doctor. I am off of my parents' health insurance because I'm not a full time student this semester, so I'm restricted from my doctor and switching my medication. Ideally, I would like to see a therapist and deal with my panic disorder through therapy, but that's not a possibility right now.

-Grace

Aretha: You had to READ about the side effects of Paxil? They should have been the first words out of your doctor's mouth when you discussed an anti-depressant.

Paxil freaks me out. I had some friends in high school who were on Paxil until everyone found out that Paxil caused a lot of children and young adults to have suicidal thoughts, and in some cases, suicide. You're under 25? You should read this.

Frankly, if you're only having problems with your libido, I think you are getting off light.

Susie: Don't forget the birth defect issues. And you're newly in love with your boyfriend… you have motive to be concerned about your relationship's future.

Grace, there's a reason you haven't easily found out the why's and wherefores of SSRI's. These drugs and their mental health effects were discovered almost by accident, and physiologists are still arguing about why they work they way they do- or why the results are so different for each patient. Everyone taking SSRI's today is a guinea pig.

I am NOT cavalier about your mental health issues- panic and anxiety can bring your life to a halt. The irony is, Paxil itself is something to be anxious about.

Aretha: The best thing you can do is SEE A DOCTOR. And get your prescription changed. Period. And I would recommend seeing a different doctor next time! I understand you don't have any health insurance, so unless you can pay for a doctor's visit out-of-pocket- you are indeed in a fix.

Susie: You're dependent on your parents for health care. They probably care for you dearly, and you may have other devoted family, as well. These people give a damn about your health. Your panic attacks are of great concern to them- they would care if the treatment you're receiving is making you ill.

Face it, if you broke your leg, your family wouldn't say, "Too bad, you're only a part-time student, you can just stay home and make your own cast."

I know you're thinking, "I can't tell my parents, 'it's an emergency, my sex life is bumming out on Paxil.'" I understand that sexual dysfunction is considered a trivial pursuit by some, not essential to your physical or mental health. Even you act like, "Hey, I can get by."

I would encourage you to think of your entire brain stem and cerebral cortex with more care. Your difficulty with orgasms is symptomatic of enormous changes. Your testosterone may be down, your prolactin may be up, your Paxil is a vaso-constrictor that affects your blood stream as well as your synapses. The action of SSRI's suppresses the engorgement of erectile tissue.

If you tell your family, "I'm getting some relief with Paxil, but there's some weird side effects that are sickening me and I've been reading things too… I want to see a doctor ASAP" — would they refuse you?

If they do refuse (!!!) you need to investigate your school's health clinic. Find out what kind of nutrition, aerobics, meditation, and life-coping skills classes are being offered on your campus at little or no cost to students. Each one of these topics is a SERIOUS BOOK on response to anxiety and panic attacks. Your school's medical staff deals with thousands of students who are battling to stay in school because of mental health problems; they discuss these issues all the time. What about low-cost therapy?

Aretha: I'm familiar with your story about taking "drug holidays" where you STOP taking their drug for a couple of days to get their libido back. Sounds like you already took a long vacation, and you saw what happened. Ideally, all these different approaches should be consulted with a doctor before you do anything, of course!

Susie: It can be problematic to wean off Paxil. You were lucky.

Aretha: I notice you say you're having the best sex you've ever had.

Susie: Long luxurious cunnilingus… yeah, other people are drooling at your sexual dilemma.

Aretha: So, maybe things aren't too bad in the present.

Susie: -At least the short term sex effects. I'm more concerned about the big picture. If I was your mommy, I'd have you in a qualified psychologist's office faster than you can say "dopaminergic neurotransmission."

Aretha: Until next semester!

Dear Aretha & Susie,

I am 20 years old and I'm a virgin. Usually it doesn't bother me, but lately I've had the feeling that something is wrong with me. The problem isn't that nobody will fuck me, or even that nobody I'm attracted to will fuck me.

I'm 5'4", 240 pounds, and it makes me feel completely neutered.

I can honestly say I've never felt sexy in my life! If someone tries to get close to me, I become so self-conscious that I withdraw. I don't know what to do.

The obvious answer is lose weight, and I'm working on it, but part of me knows that the weight is just the peak of my self-esteem iceberg. How can I get over this? Do I just need a ton of therapy?

Luv,

Bummer City

Aretha: I think you are smart to point out that it's not your weight that's the base problem; it's a self esteem issue.

Susie: There are fat women who are digging sex and falling in love. There are 36-24-36-type individuals who are alone in their room, depressed, so shy they don't know where to begin.

Aretha: You just gotta say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me!"

Susie: I think seeing the entire Stuart Smalley movie is essential, at least once a year.

Aretha: Look, fuck the weight calculations for now. Look around at what else is going on in your life… are you getting outside and getting enough exercise? Do you feel rested in the morning; do you have a fulfilling diet?

Susie: I'd encourage you to think of your "neutered" feelings as a health symptom. Are you depressed in other respects? Have you talked to any health-care pros about your medical history? How is your weight- or other issues, which you haven't mentioned- affecting your life? The sex stuff is one clue.

You have to go at this thing holistically… it's not your size versus your sexiness. Your "absence of feeling" is distressing. But you don't need a "TON" of therapy... you need a plan and small steps. And some help to do it. Your weight is just one part of it. These things are too hard to do alone. Aretha and I are so far away… I want you to have people on your side, listening and helping you, who are closer than an email.

Aretha: Do you masturbate? If you don't, I would recommend that you try it. The first step should be all about finding pleasure with yourself before you start tangling with other people and all their issues. When you're alone and you're feeling horny, there's no one else in the room to make you feel self-concious, right? I say, get wild!

Throw away all your icky expectations about what you should be like, what you should be doing, and just try to enjoy being yourself.

I KNOW, easier said than done.

Susie: But what else is there? You're on the verge… you already know you can't go on like you've been.

Aretha: The next time you're with someone and they try to "get close" - and you find yourself pulling away- try to notice what you're doing and PAUSE, just for a second! Ask yourself, "Do I feel safe?" "Do I want to withdraw or do I feel like I need to withdraw because that's what I always do?" "Am I going to be okay if I just stay in the moment with this other person?"

And if you end up pulling away, that's fine. The point would be that you knew what you were doing, and you made a conscious decision instead of just letting your self-esteem steer you around.

Susie and Aretha Update:

Aretha has been demonstrating for social justice, goddammit.

Susie's favorite review of her new book, Bitten, is the line that says: "Strange? Yes. Incredibly hot? Absolutely." Now that's justice for you.

The question was: "Across species, what makes females "female" and males "male"?

Is it...

a) that males have testes and females don't?

Wrong. For example, Spotted Hyena females all have "penises" and a scrotum.

b) that females lactate and males don't?

Wrong. Male Indonesian Fruit Bats lactate milk.

c) that males possess the "xy" chromosome and females the "xx"?

Wrong. Chickens don't even have XY chromosomes.

d) that males have small gametes and females have large gametes?

Correct! Congratulations, Smarty Pants!

or

e) that females prefer monogamy more than males?

Wrong. Puh-lease!

A whopping 30% of our quiz-takers picked the correct answer. As promised, Susie and Aretha are sending as many copies of Bitten out the door as they can hustle.

The most popular answer, albeit wrong, was that old "chromosome" canard. That was followed by a couple dozen entries that fell for the testes gambit, and only one curiosity seeker who chose "lactation"- guess everyone knew about the fruit bats. One solitary writer insisted that (e) was true, despite our mad hints.

One last shocker: the correct answers came from a disproportionately high number of Canadian and UK Jezebel readers. Read it and weep, Yankees!

Hey, but even the education-starved Americans are getting consolation prizes- because no gamete goes home empty-handed here at the Jezebel Sex and Science Circus! Thank you all for playing...

This week: the female pre-ejaculator- and how far you can take sex for vanity's sake.

Dear Aretha & Susie,

Here's the thing: I've realized I haven't figured out sex yet.

I've never had an orgasm. All I want to do is make my boyfriend happy, put him in blissy-eyed nirvana, and impress him with my tight body. I like it but it's vanity – I want to be a good lay for him. Sex from the female perspective bores me. I can't imagine physical pleasure that would be appealing for its own sake.

This has its downside. I secretly will my boyfriend to come as soon as possible so we can stop. If I don't feel pretty, I can't get aroused. I can't masturbate – after all, there's nobody to impress if I'm alone.

When I was growing up, I was a "brain" and boys didn't notice me. Now men do notice me- and I like it- but I'm ashamed how badly I've come to need their attention.

I'm sure some of this will go away over time (I'm 21 and I've only slept with one person) but I could use a little help. My boyfriend has actually asked me to enjoy his body more. He wants me to ask him to do things for me, but I just can't. I want to be wanted- terribly, fearfully- and I have no goddamn idea what I want myself.

M'aidez! I'm so tired of being sexually dependent.

-Unblissed

Aretha: It's time to brain-wash yourself the other way around.

Here's the thing: Your boyfriend wants you to get off. Period! Men think it's AROUSING when women enjoy themselves in bed. It sounds like he's already been dropping you hints.

Susie: They're more than hints. Your BF is desperate. Did he write this letter for you?

Most lovers find it so difficult to ask for anything in bed, that if it rises to the level of a kind request, you can be sure he's been obsessing about it for hours, wondering how to break the ice.

Aretha: Have you told your boyfriend your feelings or is it a secret?

Susie: He'd find it enlightening to hear what you told us. Could you bring yourself to confide in him? Not in bed, but with your clothes on and all your wits about you.

This isn't going to disappear. Even your vanity is boring you. You're faced with deciding if this fellow is a treasure to cherish - or if you're moving onto the next "impressionable" young thing. Without your own pleasure, the superficial ego strokes are going to seem more and more paltry.

Aretha: You say that you can't find ANY physical pleasure that would be appealing, just for YOU.

What about... if your boyfriend gave you a massage? Or made you something delicious to eat?

Both of those things are also physical sensations that make you feel good, just like sex. Think of that the next time you're in bed with him. I know it can be hard to receive "the goods" when you're used to being the giver- so start small.

The next time you two are in bed, don't think, "And now… I am going to FORCE myself to HAVE AN ORGASM." Instead, ask your BF to give you a nice back rub or something before the sex even starts and you go into your "mode."

Let yourself be "treated," whether it's sexually, physically, or emotionally. In general, boyfriends LIKE to take care of their girlfriends and make them feel good, sexy, secure.

Susie: You've got one of those good ones in your bed right now.

I reviewed a book recently about a young woman's search for orgasm. Her disdain and cheeky humor about "not getting it" was all too familiar.

I wrote, "What does this lack of female orgasm mean? Is it like missing the Grand Tour of Europe - or the crosstown bus? Is it overrated?

"The young author got one lucid answer from an expert she queried, who's also a colleague of mine- Dr. Rae Larson.

"'People overvalue orgasm,' Larson told her. "They go looking for an orgasm instead of pleasure. Look for pleasure first; that will lead you to where you want to go.'"

I'm not going to twist your arm and tell you about masturbation, the clitoral body, and the wonders of sexual self-knowledge. You are obviously a well-read cookie.

Instead, find out what gives you a thrill. There is nothing boring about that. I don't care if it's pole-dancing, swimming in open water, bad porn, or jumping out of an airplane. You find out what makes your heart race, what makes you euphoric, what makes you involuntarily wet- and the orgasm will simply show up, a nervous system response to a well-lubricated limbic system.

Dear Aretha & Susie,

I have a frustrating sexual problem that masquerades as a blessing. I enjoy sex with my boyfriend of three years, and am able to orgasm every time. The problem is that I usually come in the first few minutes.

After this first orgasm, I just feel "done." It doesn't hurt to continue, but I lose interest in sex and my body seems to shut down to further stimulation. I've tried delaying my orgasm, but after penetration, there's only so long I can control myself without going down the path to orgasm.

While I can be perfectly happy with two-minute sex, my guy has stamina and wants to continue. He understands when I ask to stop- and he'll get off another way- but this mismatch in our timing makes it hard to stay connected during sex.

I'd also like to experience longer-lasting sex myself without a premature orgasm getting in the way. It's common to hear of men dealing with this problem, but as a woman, I don't know why I can't last during sex -or how come I can't keep going after my first orgasm.

What's the deal?

One-Minute Woman

Aretha: Huh. Interesting.

I have random ideas of what could help… and a lot of questions!

After you come, are "done" for the hour, or are you "done" for the day? Do you notice that you come quicker or slower depending on how often you and your boyfriend have sex? Do you ever masturbate and come BEFORE you have partner sex?

Have you tried different positions? Maybe something different that you normally don't do would help you last longer. Have you tried putting a pack of ice on your vagina? (Just kidding).

Susie: The icepack would definitely do it! I love this question. Men and women are so similar- and we're usually so focused on minute differences, we miss the big picture.

Women who are familiar with their lover and know what they like, often find that coming fast is easy. Too easy. You're confronted with the fact that you, Miss Considerate, feel like pushing the dude off of you, wham-bam-thank-you-m'am. We can all be selfish piggies.

Like any guy facing this question, you have to ask yourself, "Do I give a darn?"

There is some self-interest involved… as Aretha said, you can tease out the foreplay, a little variety, and drive yourself delightfully crazy. Make yourself beg for it before you give in… this can lead to some fun scenarios.That's what most women do in this situation. Doing algebra or baseball stats in your head is a little more perverse.

Or perhaps you'd like to give yourself wiggle room on the other end. You might not feel like doing ANYTHING in the first five minutes after coming, but try doubling or tripling that. When you come again, it will probably be slower but it might be more intense.

You've been with this guy for three years. You've probably laughed about being a "premie," or talked about it seriously at times. Furthermore, he must SEE what he does that drives you over the edge. Maybe he likes it that way, if he's so quick to oblige.

I would ask him, knowing each other as you do, what have been the best times for him, when it "clicked," timing-wise. Maybe you'll be surprised to compare answers.

No matter what you come up with, don't forget to reserve the special occasions for you to fly off the handle and start snoring in post-orgasmic slumber. How could anyone deny you that, every once in a while? I stand with you, in premature sisterhood.

Susie and Aretha Update!:

Susie has a new book out, Bitten: Dark Erotic Stories.

She is clasping to her breast a review by Greta Christina that says: "Bitten is almost completely compelling. Like, "reading it raptly until 2 in the morning, then masturbating as quietly as I can because I don't want to wake my partner but won't be able to fall asleep with these stories in my head until I do"- compelling."

And Aretha? She just started her first semester at university and the remote mike shorted out on her during the extra-credit question period in a 750-student sex education class.

The question was: "Species-wide, what makes females "female" and males "male"? Is it...

a) that males have testes and females don't

b) that females lactate and males don't

c) that males possess the "xy" chromosome and females the "xx"

d) that males have small gametes and females have large gametes

or

e) that females prefer monogamy more than males

Aretha would like you to know that eight students picked (e).

HOWEVER! The first EIGHT Jez readers who answer this question correctly, (no cheating!) win an autographed copy of Bitten. Mail your answer (and your snail mail address so we can ship it) RIGHT NOW to: sexperts@jezebel.com.

Butch Voices founder Joe LeBlanc says he saw the conference, held in Oakland, as a way to help butches "have the hard conversations that we never seem to have otherwise [...] because were so divided across race, divided across gender identities, pronoun choices." Described as "4 days of workshops , entertainment & bonding for Butches, Aggressives, Studs, & Allies," the conference included segments on such topics as "Taking it On: Dealing with Our Internalized Misogyny," "Butch Survival: Mentoring Gender Nonconforming Youth," and "Butches Having Babies." Logistics coordinator Krys Freeman also described the conference as a place for butches to meet people they share aspects of their identity with, outside the context of a bar.

NPR guest host Jennifer Ludden spoke with both LeBlanc and Freeman, and the whole interview is worth listening to. One of the highlights comes near the beginning, when LeBlanc says butches are "supposed to be these silent, cool types that don't talk or only are about how we look." He implies that butches are not only expected to conform to stereotypes about masculinity — being "strong and silent" — but are vulnerable to a stereotype more traditionally associated with femininity as well. That butches "only are about how we look" echoes assumptions about looks-obsessed women, but also the idea that LGBTQ identities are an act, something people put on, like drag. LeBlanc points out that some people both identify as butch and wear makeup, and part of the point of Butch Voices was to address the fact that gender identity is more than skin-deep.

LeBlanc, Freeman, and Ludden discuss class stereotypes too. Freeman says strangers don't expect her to be educated, "just based on my appearance," and LeBlanc says that "butch [...] is a very class-oriented identity, from the history of it, it's a very working class, a very white stereotype." On the Butch Voices website, conference co-chair Adrienne "Aj" Davis addresses these issues head-on. She writes,

I am black, I am butch, and I am an intellectual. I use that term in the classical sense of one who lives for the life of the mind and for ideas. I am happiest when I am either reading something that makes my brain hurt or engaging in a fast-paced discussion about politics or some arcane subject. It took me a long time, over a decade, to become truly comfortable with this fact about myself. In part this is because there were (and still are) precious few depictions of butch intellectuals in lesbian literature or film. We work with our hands, we shower after work, we have callouses and steel-toe boots. What we don't have are jobs where we sit and do mental work all day. For some odd reason that is supposed to be the province of femmes.

She also mentions that "the TV host, Rachel Maddow, is really the first acknowledged butch intellectual I've ever seen." Maddow notwithstanding, it's interesting to note that the idea of intellectual endeavor as somehow effeminate affects butch people as much as it affects male-born men. All these assumptions — that masculinity is about strength, silence, and steel-toed boots, or that being butch is all about "how you look" — stem from the idea that of gender as unitary, inflexible, rule-bound. But according to Freeman, Butch Voices showed that identity is actually much more expansive. She says,

What this conference brought out for me in particular is that people do form identities. [...] All these things are constructed, they're made by us and made by the influences the people in our lives have on us.

One lesson of Butch Voices is that gender identity isn't a set of rules imposed from outside — instead, it's something people build for themselves, consciously or unconsciously. If we are aware of this building process, we can understand that our particular gender expressions are just one possible construction — and respect other people's constructions as well. As the Butch Voices website explains,

The point is, we don't decide who is Butch, Stud or Aggressive. You get to decide for yourself.

A Conference For 'Butches' [NPR]
To Be Black, Intellectual And Butch [Butch Voices]
Butch Voices [Official Site]

This week: the boyfriend with intercourse phobia, and seeking sex with an ex.

Dear Aretha & Susie,

My problem is so rare that none of my trusted advisers have any idea what to do.

I recently started dating a younger guy- there's a seven year difference between us. We are getting along great: he's sweet, intelligent, gorgeous and we share a lot of interests. We're having great sex... sort of.

He's only been in a few relationships in his life. One lasted five years. But since he broke up with her- ages ago- he's been single and celibate. When our intimacy started, he told me he didn't like oral sex or intercourse.

I was stunned but tried to be understanding. We've been using our hands a lot- and after some pleading, he allowed me to perform oral sex with him, going very slowly over several weeks. Now he likes it and even requests it- but I still haven't been able to get him off that way.

He goes limp at even the THOUGHT of intercourse. I've asked him if he had a bad experience or if he finds vaginas gross. He swears he doesn't- it just doesn't do anything for him; he's always been that way. We've tried using foreplay to get him in the mood but when we try to actually do it, he loses his erection.

We've gotten close and I really want to share this with him. I don't want to "force" him into intercourse or have it all the time. But I want to at least try it once! If he can handle it or even likes it a little, it would be nice to have as an option. He says his body won't cooperate.

Other than this, our sex life is fine. We have sex all the time and it's great. If he never got over this, I'd be cool with it because he's really worth it. But I would be wistful for intercourse.

Possible related factors? He's uncut. He's not experienced. He's had confidence problems in the past. His last girlfriend was borderline emotionally abusive to him- but he's short on any details.

My strategy has been to be understanding and not obsess over it. I keep telling him: "We'll try it one day when you are really horny, have a raging hard-on, and it will work out- you'll get over whatever psychological stumbling block is there. Don't worry. I mean, we got over the oral sex thing, right?"

Any insight would be appreciated.

Puzzled

Aretha: I hardly know where to start. My first reaction is: "HE'S GAY."

Susie: Ha! The last time I said that to you, during a period of… uh… your romantic frustration- you said, "Mom, you don't know what you're talking about."

Aretha: Well, you didn't! But I'm right about this.

Susie: How about putting it a more inclusive way; Puzzled's boyfriend doesn't conform to hetero-normative behavior. Which would be okay, if he was forthcoming and enthusiastic about his tastes- but he isn't.

There's one thing worse than him not fucking her, and that's him not talking straight with her. Is he even honest with himself?

Aretha: Yeah, like what DOES he like? I cannot figure it out. It doesn't sound like he's got any other proximity issues, if the two of them are going at it with their hands. That being said- he can't get off from oral sex- and he can't stay hard enough to perform intercourse?

Puzzled sounds like a saint.

Susie: Saints don't make good sex-positive role models.

I don't understand the hand action.

Puzzled, does he get you off with his hands? Does he go down on YOU? Does he like anal sex, in either direction? What does he do when he masturbates? How do you come? What are his fantasies?

Aretha: Yeah, good questions. If your boyfriend can tell you what he doesn't like, he should be mature enough to tell you what he does like. If he was a virgin, it would be one thing- but this guy already had a 5-year relationship with someone else.

Susie: He is a secret spun inside a secret. He wants you to play his beard but it's an intractable situation. Whether he has a history of abuse or is just too frightened to share his bent, you're not helping him- you're enabling a course in denial.

Aretha: Enough about him! Puzzled, you say that if you never had intercourse with him, you'd hang on to him because such a swell guy- but you'd still be wistful.

I'm thinking: miserable.

It's super-romantic right now. His inability to fuck might be a turn-on in some ways. I'm thinking... Marilyn Monroe and Tony Curtis in Some Like It Hot. But these feelings won't last long-term. Resentment and sexual frustration are around the corner.

Susie: I've known a few couples who didn't give a fig about intercourse. What they had in common was a great deal of sexual sophistication and a matching set of kinky appreciations. They wanted to be tied up, they wanted to 69 all day, they wanted to role-play and cross-dress. They weren't avoiding anything; they were going for their gusto. You don't meet many young people like that. It takes time and wisdom to come out of the closet.

Women are brought up to think that if it's "true love," they'll have baby-making sex. Lovers who throw that overboard work through a lot of baggage. They say bye-bye to the Harlequin Romances.

Not only do you have to have the political frame of reference, you need a sex drive that propels you outside the box. That doesn't sound like where you're coming from. You want your man inside you. You shouldn't be begging and hoping.

Aretha: It sounds like she's tried everything obvious in the bedroom, and it's not working. I wonder if he has seen a doctor or a therapist?

Susie: I doubt he has; he's using Puzzled as a surrogate. It's not fair, to her or himself. Miss Puzz, you need your sexual self-interest addressed, and so does Hand Puppet. Listen to your "wistful" voice... it's trying to tell you something.

Dear Aretha and Susie,

My long-distance boyfriend of two years broke up with me in June. We'd been having problems for a while, but I didn't think that he would end up dumping me.

In my post-breakup trauma, I've gone back to look at some emails we exchanged in the weeks before breaking up. At first, he insinuated that our relationship would "change" when I moved to LA from New York.

Then he started talking about "taking a break." One of the emails refers to a phone conversation where he said we could still have sex "as friends."

Now that I'm starting to accept he broke up with me, the ONLY thing I'm hoping for is the sex. I know it may seem silly, but the sex was amazing. I am aware of all "do-it-yourself" options, and frankly, I still just want him to give it to me. 

Even though he said before that we could still have sex as "friends" (whatever that means), I'm afraid that when I confront him about it, he'll play dumb and reject me again.

How can you convince an ex that all you want is the sex and nothing more? Will men ever turn down sex that they know is reliably good?

I have planned a trip to see him for the first time in three months- and I plan on getting some. Please advise me on how to.

Scorned But Horny

Aretha: Being dumped, especially when you don't see it coming, is the worst.

Susie: Recapturing hot sex from a lost romance isn't reliable. You can't put it back in the bottle.

Aretha: You remember the sex being amazing, but the sex will not be the same. After having been dumped only 2+ months ago, you put yourself at a lot of emotional risk- like being rejected (again) by him.

Susie: Even if he doesn't push you away… the dissonance between your old familiarity and the recent betrayal will leave your head spinning.

Aretha: I think it would be far more healing for you to have wonderful sex- with someone else.

Susie: I second that motion. There ought to be a escort service for the recently dumped.

Go ahead and have as many cathartic jill-off sessions as you want, thinking about him, coming, crying. Now that's reliable. Your dreams, your unconscious, have to work through it; there's no short-cut. Each little solitary orgasm and teardrop helps you find some peace.

Aretha: I hate to crush your hope. But I want to discourage you from planning a trip to "get some" - I don't want you feeling bad.

Susie: Truth? I doubt you'll follow our advice. Both of us were once given the same counsel ourselves… and ignored it.

Your mother and your best friends and all the savvy sexperts will unanimously tell you to stay away. But it's like telling a child not to put a bean up their nose.

You want to pick the scab, you want to hold your finger in the flame, and this compulsion will remain attractive until one day you wake up and say: "I am too old for this."

Self-preservation eventually kicks in.

Aretha: Part of me wants to give you wild advice about how to seduce him back into your bed, like, I dunno... Tell him you just want closure, then get him drunk and spike his cocktail with Viagra.

But NO! You need to pine, stay away, and GET OVER HIM. The hurt feelings will feel better as time goes on, I promise.

Susie: Pine, stay away, masturbate, cry, and have some really smokin' sex with someone else. There is life after Mr. Wonderful!

The study, published in the CSIRO journal Sexual Health examined the reports of sexual satisfaction from 36 couples who had undergone counseling sessions and 35 who had not. They found that premarital counseling raises the number of women who report having a "problem-free" sex life, but lowers the number of men.

Of the women, 81% who attended the sessions said they had a "problem-free sex life" while only 77% of the non-counseled ladies said the same. The disparity is greater for the men: 71% of the men who went with counseling said they had perfect, but 64% who had counseling made that claim. While the study does not offer any possible explanations why men reported better sex without counseling, we have one idea: Maybe they just didn't know. It seems possible that, prior to counseling, some of the men could have been unaware of their partner's dissatisfaction, thus leading them to assume they were problem-free.

Whatever the cause of this disparity, researchers still advise couples to undergo premarital counseling:

"A recommendation to encourage engaged couples to attend premarital sexual counselling is made based on the findings," the research found.

"It is thought that an intervention plan ... will help nurses guide recently-married couples to greater sexual satisfaction."

Men More Likely To Have 'Problem-Free Sex Without Premarital Counseling [News.com.au]

Dear Aretha & Susie,

I've been happily with a guy for two years. We have great, wonderful, passionate sex- but I never orgasm. Well, occasionally small ones. He doesn't know this. He thinks I have multiples and he's happy with the moaning and screaming. I'm happy with what I have. We have long sessions, they're very pleasurable, and I end up weak in the knees afterwards.

I use the metaphor that climaxing is like finally arriving at a cake shop down the street. Yeah, it's great to get there- and see a triple layer staring back at you. But if there's a carnival along the way to the cake shop, it ends up pale and unsatisfying by comparison.

I enjoy it so much more during the sessions when I DON'T climax and just hover in that nice feeling before an orgasm. Even when I'm going at it solo, climaxing is a hinderance.

I'm guilty for not telling him all this. I know it would make him feel bad, like he isn't doing a good job. He would feel like a lesser lover because he can't make me cum. I want to be able to tell him, because this is the only thing I've withheld from him or lied about. But I don't think he'll believe me if I tell him that orgasms suck and he makes me much happier without them. I don't want to undermine the relationship.

—In Love With Foreplay

Aretha: I swear. Again with the "we have great, wonderful, passionate sex!" right in the first sentence. Why is it that the people who write to us with problems always have the best sex?

Susie: Because they're romantic and hopeful. And so are we. The hopeless and cynical are not reading or writing.

Aretha: Well, my first reaction was: She's fucked. Once you've had your first fake orgasm there's no going back. She's been fucking this guy for 2 YEARS! That's a lot of fake orgasms.

If she tells him all those moaning, screaming orgasms didn't really happen, their love-life is going to SUCK afterward. He WILL feel bad.

Ms. Foreplay, I'm not sure know why you feel guilty about this, after years of silence, but I say keep it to yourself. You want to stay with this guy and still have weak-in-the-knees sessions? Say nothing. It sounds like you are having a great time in bed and whatever your bf is doing is working for you.

Susie: Something about this doesn't add up.

I want to know more about orgasms you search for when you masturbate. Do you AVOID climaxing when you're by yourself? Have you had other lovers that brought you more intense pleasure?

Orgasm is simply a release of sexual energy. We all love being on "the edge;" it's the icing on everyone's cake-but you can only sustain it for so long. The volcano has to blow. The contractions bring you down, the blood flow subsides, and you enter the technical phase called "resolution." There is a relief that is sometimes sad, but always sweet.

Let me give you a visual: look at the illustrations - (page 50 is where I want you to start!— then go back and read everything)- of what orgasm does, anatomically, in A New View of a Woman's Body.

My speculation is that you are NOT at plateau; you are enjoying the early stages of excitement with your boyfriend- which are pleasurable. You've struggled, unhappily, to reach a higher level of intensity. You get thwarted as you enter the plateau phase and wish you had stayed in the shallow end. It's a nasty, cranky place.

You think you're going to be happy this way for the rest of your life? No. You've been rationalizing and trying to "make do."

I wish you would experience the deep end of pleasure, the whole orgasmic spectrum- if you haven't already- on your own. Then think about what it would take to share it with your lover.

Aretha: You could start having sex with him and telling him afterward that you didn't cum but it still felt great. Tell him about the cake shop or whatever and make it sound positive and sexy- he may come around to the idea.

This would be an excellent time to try NEW things in bed- and I'm thinking of a few ways cake could be incorporated, too.

Don't get into "what if you told him everything?" - even though it would be "honest." It's a lot of hassle over the idea that sex is not good without an orgasm. I say skip it. Mom, you may disagree…

Susie: No, I agree with you… he won't buy it- and he'd be right. If he gets educated about female orgasm, he'll never buy it. It sounds like a two year grudge. He'll wonder, "Why now?"

Maybe that's the unspoken problem here. What's changing inside you? Are you having second thoughts about other things?

Aretha: Ummm… and yeah! Your boyfriend sounds great. "Long sessions"? If he dumps you over the no-orgasm thing, give me his number!

Susie: That is so sisterly of you.

• • • • •

Dear Aretha & Susie,

I'm in a one-year-long exclusive relationship with a guy I like. We're friendly, funny, goofy, intimate, all that good stuff- and the sex is pretty good too.

We both want to sleep with other people occasionally, and don't really know what to do about it. He keeps suggesting an open relationship. We live together and I have a feeling that I would find it emotionally messy, even though his take is that it would only be occasional one-night stands.

I'm uneasy because there's part of me that's envious of his ability to separate sex from emotions (or so he says).

My abilities in compartmentalizing are a little limited, but I'm thinking it might be worth it to explore and find out. I don't think it's impossible. I feel "mentally" open but my stomach tells me otherwise, due to some lingering jealousy and an inherent and learned sense of loyalty.

Also, I live in a country that isn't exactly free-love-friendly so I can't expect acceptance from my peer group. Cheating is common here but I'm not interested in deception and jealousy. I don't have any positive role models when it comes to an open relationship.

Should I pursue this? He says he doesn't want to push the idea and will back off entirely if I say I'm not comfortable with it. He's loyal, honest, and patient, so the decision is up to me. Where should I begin?

Yours truly,

—Wants to Open Up

Aretha: Well! This cracked me up because all I could think was, "My mom could tell you A LOT more about this than I can!"- lol.

Susie: Yeah, har-de-har-har.

Aretha: Thinking about what happened with you and Dad made me want to caution this girl that picking who you open your relationship with is super-duper important. Stay away from needy stalker people who want more than you can give them.

Susie: In my defense… in all the years I've been with your dad (21)- all non-monogamous- I can only think of two (and in retrospect, mercifully brief) times that we went through some real grief. I don't blame it on being "open" - it's just the hard things relationships go through at times, be they social, platonic, or battles with your own relatives.

You never knew about all the times everything worked out copacetic or drama-free, because part of our "open relationship" ethos was protecting our family life: Kids come first, privacy is a big deal, and discretion is definitely the better part of valor.

As to Miss Wanna-Be here, I'd say that the ideal time to find out about how you feel about open relationships is definitely before you have children.

Aretha: But I don't think she's quite there yet- she's still deciding whether she wants to do it.

Susie: There are ways to get your feet wet. You could go to a play party together, and either watch, play, or both. Connect with other experienced lovers, or pros, for that matter. Avoid the ring-seeking singles and unhappily married. You could plan a "when-I'm-out-town" adventure, where what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Talk about all the details, like where it happens, what happens the day after, what birth control or STD stuff you use. There is no such thing as "disconnecting" your emotions, thank goodness. Would it please you on to hear a little bit about it, a lot, nothing at all? If one of you is on a date, what does the other one do? Discuss how you feel about friends versus acquaintances, boys vs. girls, etc.

Each one of you reserves the right to change your mind. You already understand the most important thing: Open relationships are about Not Cheating. Not deceiving. Not patronizing your partner by keeping a secret.

Aretha: I say, go for it. You've been together for a year, he's a loyal and honest guy, and you both want to sleep with other people; that's a great base. If you have the hots for some awesome guy and want to hook up with him- in an open relationship, that can happen! And it's NOT CHEATING. If you two try it for a month or whatever and you don't like it, then make sure he knows right away!

On the other hand… If your tummy is telling you that you're not up for it, then maybe you aren't ready. There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe just having the IDEA of sleeping with other people works for you better.

Susie: Good point. There are plenty of couples who get stoked on the fantasy of cheating, cuckolding, and "play" jealousy. You can go wild without bringing a single other live person into it.

Do you like to read your way into things? I do. Here's a reading list that'll get you thinking about the possibilities: The Ethical Slut, Tristan Taormino's Opening Up, and a short story I wrote for Mommy's Little Girl, called "The Best She Ever Had."

BTW.... I assume the UNfriendly-free-love locale you're describing is: Fresno.

First off, Blue admits that a lot of porn is just really bad, as in: too lame, too campy or too cheesy. She says:

For me, the real problem with most porn is its hokeyness — the ridiculous costumes, the awful cinematography, the ludicrous story lines, the terrible acting (not to mention how scary the close-ups sometimes look, how fake the boobs are, how some starlets really sound like injured animals...).

Though, for some people, those things aren't a turn-off, for plenty of people, they probably are.

Blue also says that some people compare themselves unfavorably to the porn stars on-screen.

And yet in my research and experience, the biggest roadblock for women (and men) to enjoying explicit imagery is the fear that they don't "stack up" to the bodies and abilities of the people onscreen. Erotic models and actresses bring up a whole range of adequacy issues, from breast size to weight, from what you look like "down there" to the adult acne we all periodically fight.

Many of us recognize that seeing images of thin models and actresses can make us more insecure about our own bodies. But with pornography, which involves explicit, sexual nudity of women often surgically enhanced to fulfill some unattainable ideal of female attractiveness - and participating in the portrayal of an act that many women have issues with already - personal discomfort can be taken to a whole other level. Pornography plays into the false idea that to be sexually attractive to men, or good in bed, there are certain things women have to do, be, look like, act like or enjoy, whether or not we actually can, are, look like, act like or enjoy those things.

Blue also takes note (although not by name) of Canadian scientist Meredith Chivers' research showing that women exhibit physical arousal by sexual imagery even when they consciously report not feeling it. From this research, Blue draws a relatively logical conclusion.

But that's the hitch: Even when our bodies respond to what we're seeing, not every woman feels empowered to enjoy the show. For years we've been told that we won't — or shouldn't — be turned on by porn, end of story, sleep tight.

The message has come from all sides — from conservative Christian organizations ("Traditionally, women are far more likely to engage in wistful, romantic fantasies than crude scenes of people engaging in sexual acts," Kathy Gallagher, cofounder of Pure Life Ministries, has written) to the radical feminist Catharine MacKinnon (who says porn exploits and discriminates against women, and encourages rape).

When everyone tells you that what you might be curious about, or even secretly like, is wrong, bad, sleazy, and shameful, you don't have to cast a line very far to land a set of inhibitions.

While not exactly the conclusion Chivers draws from her research (though reporting bias undoubtedly plays a role), there's little doubt that the social messages one gets about porn would influence our desire to watch it, or inhibit our ability to enjoy it.

Blue also acknowledges those feminists among us who worry about issues of objectification, sexualization and exploitation.

I've also heard, plenty of times, that porn degrades women. That argument always makes me wonder about gay male porn, which lots of women appreciate for all its hunky hotties in flagrante. If heterosexual porn degrades women, does gay porn degrade men? What about porn made by women — is that degrading, too?

I think here, actually, many anti-porn feminists would say yes, in fact, porn in general is degrading to women because the actresses allow themselves to be objectified. Speaking for myself, I have difficulty with these arguments because, as Blue implies, it denies agency to the (female) performers and judges their actions based on how other people view them. If porn performers are exhibitionists and enjoying performing sex acts for the benefit of others because they enjoy being seen, then I'm hard pressed to say they're degrading themselves. If the problem is with the way our society views women's bodies, then eliminating porn and sex work won't change that (and, frankly, with exhibitionists and voyeurs in the world, changing the kyriarchy won't eliminate the existence of pornography as much as change its structure).

Blue says that women should view porn as just another sex toy in their arsenal — a visual vibrator, so to speak.

Explicit sexual imagery is an aphrodisiac; it sends a direct current buzzing from our brains to our groins. Like a reliable vibrator, it can be a great tool. With porn, women like me get to experiment with making adult choices and trying on new fantasy ideas, just as we might try a different brand of condom for a change.

She recommends utilizing porn made specifically by or for women, in settings that respect performers' boundaries and make use of people of varying (and non-surgically-designed) body types — which certainly requires more research than surfing porn sites when you're horny normally entails.

Are More Women OK With Watching Porn? [O Magazine]

Related: Word of the Day: Kyriarchy [Feminist Philosophers]

Earlier: What Women Want? To Talk About What Women Want

Dear Susie and Aretha,

I experienced my first orgasm last year. No physical stimulation was involved- it was purely a mental exercise. Since then, I've bought sex toys and used them with great success. I'm confident when it comes to my ability to please myself. The problem is the mental stimulation it takes to get me to come is the most depraved type. I'm not kidding. I'm worried that there's something wrong with me. My fantasies don't involve death or mutilation, but that's about the only limit. I can't come, even with intense physical stimulation, unless I think about pain, humiliation, and obedience. I saw a list of fantasies that "cross the line" on some web site, and I think I hit at least two or three. It's not just S&M. I find that fantasies of misogyny work just as well as ones of bondage, if not better- and I'm an unapologetic feminist. I know I shouldn't be ashamed to be sexual, but I think the word that describes me is "sick."It doesn't help that I go to a women's college. I have about as much chance of finding a boyfriend as I do of winning the lottery. I don't know if I'll ever find it possible to achieve pleasure when I'm in a real relationship. I'm not a virgin, but I've never come with another person. Is there a way to reconfigure your sex drive? Or am I asking for the equivalent of those deprogramming camps that certain awful parents send their gay kids to? Is there any help for a pervert like me?

-One Sick Puppy

Aretha: Puppy, chill out. You are not sick.

Susie: Any credible sex-ed web site or book would take a more nuanced view of taboo fantasies than a "Don't Go There" list. Put down the Cosmo Magazine. You are hardly alone.

Aretha: If you told me you got off thinking about sex with animals, being raped, incested, or anything else taboo- I still would not consider you sick. Fantasies about taboo things are great, because they are FANTASIES- nothing bad is happening in real life.

Susie: I'm sure there's been times in your life where you were made to do something you hated, or were humiliated by a bully or authority figure. No one finds it pleasant, let alone arousing. You have no control whatsoever. But when you fantasize an humiliating punishment, for example, or a depraved act- you control every aspect, every moment. You take yourself exactly to the erotic brink YOU want to go to… and then you get the catharsis, the orgasm. Lemonade is made out of your lemons. It's human nature.

Aretha: What site did you go to that said certain fantasies "cross the line"- says WHO?

Susie: Yeah, you need to report them to the sex-ed police! ;-) The BEST research about why we fantasize the things we do, is in a book called The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin. It's worth a good ten years of therapy- and you'll be able to help a lot of other people feeling similarly tortured!

Aretha: I have to ask, if she REALLY doesn't like these fantasies and wants to be thinking about something else- is there something else she could be doing?

Susie: It's not dog training. You can control behavior, but you cannot bend the unconscious to your will. Nobody likes to hear it, but that's the truth. When behavioral psychiatrists treat "repeat sex offenders"- people who cross the line of reality and consent, who violate other people's boundaries-they give them strict homework to masturbate to "appropriate" fantasy material and "aversion therapy" for the unwanted fantasies. The results have not been inspiring, much like the failures of the "Homo Rehab"camps. You can't suppress specific sex fantasies effectively. You can only diminish or eliminate one's entire libido by chemical or hormonal means. I'm sure that's not what Puppy has in mind!

Aretha: Pup, I know you're at a women's college, but are you chained to your desk? Why do you think you can't have a boyfriend till graduation? Are all the other girls at your college waiting till graduation to have a bf, too?

Susie: Hitch a ride into town.

Aretha: I don't know why you haven't come before with your other sexual partners, but I'm guessing they didn't know what turns you on.

Susie: I'm guessing you haven't had enough chances to try much of anything out- or some decent privacy!

Aretha: Do you want to role-play your fantasies with a lover? Or even talk about them?

Susie: I predict you're going to find some really hot radical tender boyfriend who will be thrilled to find out you have the same "sick" fantasies that he does. Think up a funny "safe word" while you're sitting in your next semester of Abnormal Psychology. Don't waste another moment doubting yourself.

• • • •

Dear Aretha & Susie,

I'm in my second marriage. I met both my husbands within the framework of a tight-knit conservative religion. My current husband and myself consider ourselves religious people, although we came to this level of religion as adults. Before I became more religious, I had been sexually active in college. My first marriage ended for many reasons; because he cheated on me numerous times and he was clinically addicted to porn. In this first marriage, I refused any type of sex beyond missionary style, because a) our religion forbids the placement of sperm anyplace besides the vagina and b) my husband treated me like crap and having sex was like someone going to the bathroom on me. My second marriage is AWESOME. My husband *loves* me passionately: physically and emotionally. We have all kinds of sex: oral, vaginal, and anal, with occasional rimming and spanking. I do these things because I love my husband and I love pleasuring him- but there are aspects of our lovemaking I feel uneasy about. My husband asks occasionally for me to shave my pubic hair. Or he'll ask me to spit on his dick when giving him oral. He gets off on lots of gratuitous moaning. He likes this "porn-aesthetic" and I just divorced my ex-husband because he was addicted to porn. If I broached this issue with my husband he would immediately back off because he's a sensitive guy. I don't have anyone within my community to discuss it. What's the best way to handle this? I want to be desired for who I am rather than how much I can act like a porn star.

- Not a Porn Star Wannabe

Aretha: Okay, wow. This is messy. She says herself that if she talked to her husband about it, he would back off. So what's the problem?

Susie: I agree. Putting the hot buttons aside…if he listens to her and loves her, then anything is up for discussion. That's what intimacy is about. Wouldn't she want him to confide in her, if he was feeling this alienated?

Aretha: She doesn't say that the sex is amazing with her husband-I don't hear her saying anything about enjoying herself.

Susie: Yeah, I noticed that, too. She performs all this wild sex because she loves him and wants to make him happy… but that's not the same thing as knowing your own happy place. It's an untenable situation.

Aretha: She says she wants to be loved for who she is… so who is she? She needs to figure out what she wants in the bedroom. She doesn't want to feel like she's a porn star- what does she want to feel like?

Susie: I don't buy the "porn addiction" meme- but whatever the problem was with her last husband, she was  neglected. Lied to. That's enough anguish right there.

Aretha: Okay, NPSW, so now you're with a new guy who gives you lots of attention. You love being cherished by him. His desire for you is all you ever dreamed. But you're not getting the sex you want, and you don't like what you've been doing sexually for him. HOW DID THIS NOT COME UP BEFORE YOU TIED THE KNOT?

Susie: I blame your tight-knit conservative religion.

Aretha: You throw in a lot about your religion… but it doesn't seem like your current husband takes the "sperm-only-in-the-vagina" thing very seriously- and neither do you, since you're going along with it. You just have to talk to him. You have to. The longer you wait with these things, the worse it is. He won't like hearing that you've been turned off by what he likes. Too bad. He needs to hear it now, because he won't change all on his own.

Susie: I'm just speculating, but if you don't have orgasms with him, it's time to ‘fess up. Cut the "performance" crap. Have you been uninhibited and come, with anybody? What was your sex life like before your turn in faith? What's your solo sex life like? Is it good? Would you take a chance to try something authentic with him? What WOULD make you moan, for real?

Aretha: And if you can't bring yourself to break the ice, I'd suggest NOT looking for your next boyfriend in a conservative little religion group.

Susie: It's a proven recipe for marital sexual disaster. Just ask…. Your local GOP fellowship. I think you know what I'm talking about, or you wouldn't be here at Jezebel.

The just-launched site SexReally is paid for by the non-partisan National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, and presumably intended as a slightly older companion site to the Campaign's excellent StayTeen.

It's a fine idea to set up a site for 20-somethings that deals with topics in sexuality free from the stale moralizing of adolescent sex ed, a site that could serve as a forum for discussion of, say, the rising numbers of women in their twenties who use withdrawal as a contraceptive, why that might be, and what the risks and benefits are, or the difficulties posed by the fact that 20-something women are the least likely age cohort to have health insurance, or the fact that while teen pregnancy has decreased in recent years, the rate of unplanned pregnancies among women aged 20-29 is actually growing. What beggars belief is that anyone, let alone a non-profit group of sexuality educators, would think that Laura Sessions Stepp — a woman whose nuanced theory of human sexuality begins and ends with "Don't put out unless you're in a relationship, ladies!" — could do any such topics justice.

The first podcast for SexReally is titled "Starting a Relationship With Sex: Running the Bases Backwards," which should be a clue to lead blogger and podcast producer Sessions Stepp's position on the issue at hand — as if anyone should need the hint since the former Washington Post reporter's various condemnatory anecdotes about young women and sex were collected between hard covers in 2007's Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. (In her book, Sessions Stepp advises against relationship-free sex, and encourages kitchen fun for singletons instead. "Bake cookies, brownies, muffins. Ask your girlfriends for assistance. Guys will do anything for homemade baked goods." Girls, if you only can make enough cookies, you too can snag a man!)

Among her many other eminent qualifications for talking to young women in a balanced way about sex, Sessions Stepp is a true believer of the oxytocin junk science, a chief proponent of the late-90s teen oral sex moral panic — her reporting was flatly contradicted by actual statistics about young people's rates of oral sex — and it took her until 2006 to figure out what a "wingman" was. She also originated the term "gray rape."

So it's really no surprise that in her inaugural podcast, Sessions Stepp, in a stilted, motherly voice, marvels at the fact that grown adults no longer find the "bases" metaphor meaningful or informative. Her own all-caps transcript of the segment reads:

WE'VE ALL HEARD THE BASEBALL METAPHORS FOR SEX, LIKE "MADE IT TO SECOND," OR "HIT A HOME RUN." YEARS AGO, AS A GIRL RAN THE BASES, SHE ANTICIPATED A CERTAIN PROGRESSION IN THE RELATIONSHIP. (AT LEAST, SOME GIRLS DID.) GUYS MIGHT TRY TO SKIP A BASE OR TWO AND IT WAS UP TO HER TO FOIL THEIR OFTEN-CLUMSY ATTEMPTS.

WELL, THAT SCENARIO IS NOT SO COMMON ANYMORE… THESE DAYS, SEX FREQUENTLY HAPPENS BEFORE ANYTHING RESEMBLING A RELATIONSHIP. IS THIS A GOOD THING? A BAD THING?

I'll give you one guess!

Sessions Stepp talks to "Amanda", a woman from Los Angeles who, on her second date with a dude, and without — "No, no, no, no. Definitely, not!" — boyfriending him or taking any sensible precautions against oxytocin at all, had sex. The little minx invited him over for a movie and then within the hour they were doing the dirty! The fact that Amanda and her partner saw no harm in this reckless act — in fact, they subsequently did decide to date, and are, shockingly, still together — clearly marks them as either dangerously delusional or extraordinarily lucky, because as everyone Laura Sessions Stepp knows, every single hook-up makes the Baby Jesus cry irrevocably corrodes your own capacity for future love and happiness. As she explains:

SOME YOUNG WOMEN, LIKE AMANDA, ARE LUCKY. THEIR HOOKUP BUDDIES BECOME THEIR HONEYS. BUT IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK OUT THAT WAY...ONE PROBLEM WITH TAKING OFF FROM HOME BASE IS THIS: IF YOU START TO FEEL ATTACHED, YOU MAY NOT KNOW YOUR PARTNER WELL ENOUGH TO TELL HIM THAT. YOU'RE AFRAID YOU'LL SCARE HIM AWAY IF YOU BRING UP THAT DREADED WORD "FEELINGS". SO YOU SAY NOTHING…. WHICH CAN MAKE YOU FEEL…JUST BAD — ABOUT YOURSELF, YOUR PARTNER AND EVEN THE SEX.

Of course, even the college sophomore Sessions Stepp finds who had a disappointing hook-up experience — she grew to resent the guy following her realization that she felt more strongly about him than he did about her — still prefaced her criticisms with the phrase, "As much as I don't regret having sex with him..."

Statements like Sessions Stepp's play host to a whole set of nested assumptions, most of which are dated and restrictive. (Some of which are just dated. Who under the age of 40 calls their [in]significant other their "honey"?) In the system of sexuality that Sessions Stepp seems to favor — the slow, steady, codified "running of the bases" within a relationship — women are always the sexual gatekeepers. This stance neatly sidesteps any notion of men's responsibility for, well, anything. In Sessions Stepp's view, women trade sex begrudgingly in return for access to the socially-protected role of "girlfriend" and the supposed privileges that come with it. Women who enjoy having sex with casual partners, who don't feel the need to explore their serious, long-term prospects with every guy they date, or to only date guys with whom they feel they might have serious, long-term prospects, women who initiate sex and claim to like it, are just fooling themselves. Worse — they're actually hurting themselves. Because nobody can make an easy transition from having a lot of casual sex at one point in her life in one set of circumstances, to enjoying a more serious relationship at a different point in her life and under a different set of circumstances. It's just not possible! It's because of oxytocin, or something.

Strangest of all is the belief that underlies this and all the rest of Laura Sessions Stepp's work. She argues against casual sex — at least for women — so assiduously on the grounds that it hurts us. That it diminishes our self-esteem and numbs us to real love. But since when is a relationship any prophylactic against heartbreak? No hook-up, no cumulative accounting of a lifetime of hook-ups, will ever hurt as much as a break-up with a partner you love more than anything in this world. Young women know this about relationships. That's probably one reason why we sometimes prefer not to engage in them.

More stories about birth control costs, abortion access, finding a doctor willing to fit you with an IUD even if you haven't had kids, and finagling decent care in our under-insured society would be a lot more welcome — and more useful — than just more of the moralistic same from the likes of Laura Sessions Stepp.

SexReally [SexReally]
StayTeen [StayTeen]
National Campaign To Prevent Teen Pregnancy [NCPT]
The Challenge in Helping Young Adults Better Manage Their Reproductive Lives [Guttmacher Institute]
Does Withdrawal Deserve Another Look? [Guttmacher Institute]
A Disconnect On Hooking Up [NY Times]
Moral Panic Comes 'Unhooked' [Campus Progress]
PERCEPTION THAT TEENS FREQUENTLY SUBSTITUTE ORAL SEX FOR INTERCOURSE A MYTH [Guttmacher Institute]
A Bud For The Ladies [WaPo]

Earlier: Cosmo Wonders: Is It Rape If You Had Too Many Jaeger Shots To Remember?

Note: I speak for myself on that last point. Cooper has intercut footage of his subjects - Lindsay, Benjamin, Kristin, Rafi, Genevieve, and Theodore - talking about pornography with, well, if not quite actual pornography, something approximating it. Or perhaps I should say, his film can be seen as an exercise through which to discuss what exactly "porn" is: I have no doubt that, for many, bearing witness to the facial expressions and reactions of people masturbating while they look straight into the videocamera is far more intimate and less arousing than any of the images these young people are getting off on.

With the exception of one participant, 47-year-old Theodore, the film is also a document of a particular segment of American and English youth, many of whom are so familiar with the genres and lingo of contemporary porn - and their own sexual psychologies - that they put some of us older folk to shame. (Also: speaking for myself here.) Of course, this might also explain why they were willing to be filmed in the first place. The clip is below; thoughts, in the comments.

Video: Robbie Cooper: Sex, Sighs & Videotape [Wallpaper]

Earlier: Up Close & Personal: Wallpaper's Safe For Work Porn Portraits Reach A Thrilling Climax

Dear Aretha and Susie:

I have a tendency to throw up every single time my boyfriend comes in my mouth. I'm not sure if it's my gag reflex or the taste that causes it. Is there anything I can do to try and stop myself from throwing up? -Wretched.

A: I wish I could do that - it would send a message like no other. Stop having your boyfriend cum in your mouth, Number One. Why does this keep going on?!

S: Are you gagging or vomiting up food? Good grief; it's non-consensual S/M. Do you mind this sensation, or you're just concerned about appearances? Or are you bragging? A tiny bit of gagging can be "cute" if you have total control over it. If you want to do the fantasy where you act like, "Oh, Mr. Big, I couldn't possibly...!"

A: (Stare)

S: Aretha, stop looking at me like I'm crazy, this is a fantasy some people play out. But if the girl means she's really retching, it isn't funny.

A: Am I detecting that your boyfriend really likes it, and you're just trying to cope with it? Doesn't he mind that you throw up? How is that not turning him off? Is he choking on your vagina? Are you getting some action too?

S: We can't tell, we don't know. It's kinda mysterious the way she puts it.

A: If you had the opportunity to never have to give a blow job again, unless you were wild about it, how would that make you feel? Pretend your boyfriend had no particular interest in it, and it was only your whim.

S: Some women want to be able to please their lovers orally, just to have it in their "toolbox" of techniques, but they really can't stand deep throat, or taking come in their mouths. If that's the case, you want to control his penis with one or both of your hands so you can pull it out, exactly how and when you please. The last three seconds, when he's coming, he's not going to be paying a lot of minute attention to whether he's in your mouth or in your hands. If it's the taste that's the only problem, you need to anticipate his ejaculation, and pull it out. Maybe you'd like to get fancy with your licking techniques.

A: TMI!

S: …Yes, thank you Aretha, but I'm not being personal, just hear me out. Many men like to be "licked" just as much or more as being "sucked," and if more women know that, they wouldn't go through all the angst.

A: You never hear a guy asking you to "lick" him!

S: This isn't a Hollywood movie. It's real life. Some guys have never tried it. A lot of them don't ask for anything - they're stoic. The point is, try it. What have you got to lose?

A: There is the chance that this guy's semen is unusually bad-tasting. What does he eat? It's got to stop!

S: Pineapple: good; asparagus: bad. Or you could deep throat for real and miss out on the taste altogether.

A: I can't take this anymore.

Dear Aretha and Susie:

I'm 27 and have never had an orgasm. Not alone, not with someone else. My girlfriends' advice to "get to know my body" and "relax" hasn't evolved since I was about 19. I am relaxed and I DO masturbate - plenty! Most of the men I've slept with say, "Wow, even without an orgasm you sure are enjoying it!" Things like that. One of my long-term partners thinks I enjoy sex more than most women he's been with; I just don't orgasm. Once, I had a "mini-orgasm," as I like to refer to it. My legs went a little numb and I didn't want to move - the pleasure was really great - and then my whole body shivered and I had to lay down for lack of energy. That's what I've gathered an orgasm is like, except that on the pleasure scale, this was a 5 out of the 10 what I normally experience with good penetration sex. Any advice? Is this more common than I think? Was my mini-orgasm really an orgasm?

-Almost There

A: We all want to know: What does a "10" in penetration sex feel like?

S: Yes, that's the focus for me. What makes the fucking part feels so good? Details, please! What were you doing when the little sun burst out? If you combined whatever that was, with the fucking you like, it would the perfect combo.

A: Remember how Ducky Doolittle was telling us how she gave herself mini-orgasms when she was a little girl by flexing her Kegel muscles, which led to much stronger orgasms over time?

S: Yes, the minis are definitely foreplay for what's to come.

A: We don't know how your masturbating, but if you like penetration, get a nice dildo and a Magic Wand, turn it on full blast and see if anything happens. The penetration you like, plus the vibrator, might push you over the edge. You don't want to get "relaxed" - you want to get excited. Important difference. Sometimes people feel inhibited and that gets translated as "not relaxing," but "tense" as in "really horny" is very, very good.

S: About your age… there's no age that‘s "normal" for figuring out your sexual zenith. There's women twice your age who haven't had half the pleasure you've discovered so far. Don't let those thoughts occupy your mind.

A: It's hard when you're trying to make your body cooperate on a schedule. In Jennifer Lehr's book, Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex, the husband and wife had to schedule sex dates because their love life was so awful - it was so inorganic and forced. She described so well how trying too hard is a disaster. I don't you to feel like, "Back to homework!" Get horny, follow your hottest fantasies, your craziest suggestions to your lover - the sole pursuit of pleasure - rather than, "I'll work on my Orgasm Project Today." Don't take the fun out of it just because you're in a hurry for it to happen. I hope an "11" takes you by surprise very, very soon!

Questions for Susie & Aretha? Send them to sexperts@jezebel.com; they'll be answering questions every other week all summer long.

Susie and Aretha Bright are related, yes. Susie's newest and 31st book is Bitten. She blogs at susiebright.com and podcasts about sex and politics weekly on: In Bed With Susie Bright.Aretha is moving out of Santa Cruz to San Francisco and starting a new job and school there in one week.