Jezebel 
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New York, 2:30 AM
Thu Nov 26
64 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/25/09
I just never want to go any farther than just admiring. I am bothered by it only because I am afraid all my friends will leave me and I will be totally alone. I know part of why it is - being trans has its strange sexual pitfalls, since sex is often a very gendered experience, and usually involves genital contact. Lots of trans people are not comfortable with their genitals being touched, and I am one of them.
I don't know if it would change at all if I transitioned or not. But I do know that right now, I just don't give a fuck. I don't masturbate, I have no interest in it. I don't "get horny", I don't care, either. I don't want people armchair analyzing me. I don't need it.
I feel like any sexuality I do use is too performatory. I don't know how to be organically "sexy"; I don't feel it. I can't figure out a way to be sensual/attractive without relying on what the media tells me is attractive. I know that doesn't come naturally to me, but I don't know what does. It's like dancing - people just say to move your body however you like, but nothing ever comes to me. If I wait for inspiration, nothing happens. It's weird.
11/25/09
11/25/09
Also, men's sexuality is just as unfairly represented in the media as women's. There are silly expectations for both sides, and the misinformation...unspeakable. And those Viagra and penis pills commercials shame them for lack of boner and size, respectively.
And! I thought all through high school that erection = aroused. Turns out, that isn't true. Also, did you know that men don't always want to have sex, all the time? And that lack of desire doesn't reflect their level of attraction to their mate? Hmm.
*rant* *sorry*
11/25/09
11/25/09
women are X^2... GIANT CHROMOSOMES so youre (women) are all over the place..
men are Xy, so we are simplier creatures... lookin at it from a genetic standpoint
11/25/09
"I am but mad north by northwest. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw."
11/25/09
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11/25/09
no one implied that your genes make you crazy...
but whatever, ive been the minority of crowds in the past... opinions are often misconstrued, misinterpreted and disregarded when your 'the other'... thats fine
#tips
11/25/09
11/25/09
mmm-hmmm... and someone already said the couldnt get what i meant by that statement.. so i explained it.......
from a genetic stand point...
XX is more complicated than XY... so the (s0-s0) dichotomous relationship men and women have concerning sex COULD arguably be explained by genetics
you interpreted that as being crazy.. my apologies... only meant to illustrate that women are on a much broader spectrum...
but whatever....
11/25/09
Also, dismissing others experience, as you have done in all of this and have been called out for, does not help your argument. I don't say that my experience (having never found a sexual partner who matches my libido) is indicative of all men or illustrates an issue that men need to address, it illustrates my experience. Believing that because you've heard from men or your experience is that women have a lower sex drive this indicates that women on a whole have different sex drives than men is faulty. People often report sexual experiences that reflect what the cultural norms and expectations proscribe for them. Hell, even Kinsey came across this. There is too much variation in either gender to draw any overarching conclusion about biological determination when it comes to sexual desire. Men and women are probably more similar in these instances than we as a society will allow talk about. You can go on believing until the cows come home that women have different libido's than men, but that doesn't make your belief helpful or correct. Now I'm done and will give you no more fuel for your desire to tell us ladies how we feel and why we feel that way.
11/25/09
11/25/09
not discrediting what youre saying, but you took a statement which was more or less a joke and built a response on it...
ok...
#tips
11/25/09
whatever
#tips
11/25/09
The purpose/function of SRY is testes production. Not increased sex drive, decreased domesticity, or whatever else is stereotypically attributed to men. Testes. Balls. Cojones.
Also, you have to consider that if you are talking about genetics, you can't really use generalizations. IE, you can't say "men in general do x," because ALL men are men because of one thing regularly (SRY). The fact that asexual men who are actually men exist shows that there isn't anything connected with being a male and sex drive.
11/25/09
11/25/09
Maybe I should be worried about that.
11/25/09
11/25/09
11/25/09
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11/25/09
11/25/09
2. "an immersion in physical sensation" is exactly what I need to get feeling sexytimes. Luckily my partner is the most tactile person I've ever met, and the way the media talks about men being "visual creatures" is how he is, but with touch.
3. This post is an example of how to write about women's sexual desire, and the potential lack there of, without implying that women have to live up to a certain expectation of sexual drive to be "normal" or "healthy."
Things like women who "feel distressed over the absence of desire" always makes me worry. On the one hand, since being in my current relationship I've experienced a serious dive in sex drive, which is now increasing due to going of BCP. The past year has been insanely frustrating because I have not wanted to have sex, and it was affecting my relationship for a while because it was affecting my state of mind, feelings of worthiness/being a good partner, and general lack of feeling connected to him in a way I was used to. He felt kind of rejected and was tending towards a low self-esteem and feeling like I wasn't attracted to him because we didn't have sex for a few months, which kind of just happened and before I knew it it had been 3 months since we had sex. (When we talked about it, these things went away and got better.) So, I hate my low sex drive and want it to go away.
But when I was a youngin', I wasn't interested in having sex the way everyone around me was, including the people I was pseudo-involved with. It was because I wasn't in a place where I was interested in sex, and it wasn't a problem. Except I thought it was, because I thought I was weird and being abnormal. But really I wasn't. And that was ok. And rather than feeling dissatisfied with my sex drive at the time, which is what I was, I should have been feeling ok with it and should have felt dissatisfied with the expectations of those around me (which affected my own expectations). So I hope that these researchers are making a difference between "I want to have more sex because I love sex and have noticed changes or am personally unsatisfied," and "My boyfriend wants to have sex more than I do and I want to make him happy so I wish I was more into sex when we have it even when I'm not that into it."
It's a fine line, and difficult in a world in which female sexual desire is constructed so differently from male desire.
11/25/09
11/25/09
Anyway. I'm glad this topic is being discussed. So much has been made about Viagra for the doods, and prostate health is no longer an untouchable subject. Commercials for "male sexual enhancement" pills are all over the place. But where are the lady-versions of these commercials? Where is the effort to determine possible causes for lack of libido in women? Why does it seem as though the only reasons accepted for it are either " you're depressed" or "you're unhappy with your body and don't like getting naked or otherwise intimate"? I don't think these reasons could possibly apply to every woman suffering from lack of desire. I think that in addition to things like birth-control side effects and relationship issues, which are obviously going to cause problems in the bedroom, there has got to be another explanation. Because not every woman uses birth control, not every woman has relationship issues, not every woman is taking anti-depressants. So it's not like you can blanket everybody with this one-cause-fits-all approach. I don't know. I just feel like it's encouraging to know that some effort is finally being made and that maybe at some point this subject won't always turn into "Haha, she's got a headache again-frigid bitch" or "Oh, well now that she's not twenty anymore, she's put on some weight and doesn't feel sexy" or whatever.
11/25/09
11/25/09
11/25/09
11/25/09
then we have porn. love/hate relationship with it because it propagates the "on/off" idea without lending any importance to other aspects of sexuality.
I really feel for those women who suffer from a lack of sexual desire if only because of external pressures, expectations and ultimately, judgment.
11/25/09
I see how a new/no partner plays into sexual behavior, but masturbation is always available. If women are so lust neutral, how do you explain female masturbation?
So, I'm curious- How often do most Jezzies masturbate, particularly when single or their partner is unavailable (since sex can obviously take the place of masturbation)?
11/25/09
And I am seriously not a prude, I guess just a freak in this regard.
11/25/09
11/25/09
Much more about a week before my period.
11/25/09
The weird thing is, even though masturbating is a constant for me (and has been since I was a child), my sex drive has been extremely low since I had my second daughter 18 months ago. The hormone shift after she was born, combined with a very sick, difficult baby, totally killed my libido, and it's never really returned. I would pay amillion dollars for a female Viagra to help me get back how I was before. Before (and even after my first daughter's birth), I had a super-high libido--most guys were shocked by how much sex I wanted. But now, it's totally different.
11/25/09
Last year I had issues with abusing it and would get off to release any kind of energy whatsoever. Tired, bored, angry, sad, anxious...I would masturbate. It seemed like the more I was down on myself, the more I would masturbate. When I'm happy I hardly ever do it, but tend to have much more fulfilling sex.
I'm trying to be healthier about it now.
11/25/09
01:56 AM
11/25/09
I'd settle for a tingle in my nether-regions now and then.
Seriously, I am 30 and have had a problem with this for as long as I can remember. So much so that therapists and people close to me have thought I was sexually abused (there was one small incident, but I don't think it was the cause).
It's totally mental, and it totally sucks. I feel like I will never resolve it.
11/25/09
11/25/09
11/25/09
11/25/09
It's strange, because I love my single life and I'm not really after a boyfriend. I'm not sad to be alone - in fact, I love the freedom - but I still feel like something is missing because this is the situation I ended up with rather than the situation I chose. It doesn't feel like it's within my control. I did so many papers in college about women's sexual rights, sex-positive feminism, and the need for women to claim their sexuality, so being as I am sometimes makes me feel like a fraud. It's a trying situation and every year I get older, it gets harder.
10/24/09
Mom was initially embarrassed as we walked in, but the waitresses were all terribly kind to her. (She's a cute, little Southern lady.) Once she was diving into her own curly fries, she said loudly, "Well I just don't know what the big deal is! I see people wearing less than this at the beach. And these are the nicest waitresses I've ever had."
Hooters Fan for Life. #hooters
10/25/09
10/24/09
It only embarrassed them once, when he was about 8, and announced in front of their pastor "After church, we're going to Hooters!"
So, I guess my point is that at least for him, it is a family restaurant. #hooters
10/24/09
10/24/09
10/24/09
Explaining objectification to an 11 year old is going to be a struggle no matter what He doesn't have the background in gender relations or the higher level thinking to understand. It doesn't mean he has no experience with objectification.
They didn't have to go to Hooters to have this discussion, so it can't be used to excuse the trip. #hooters