Jezebel 
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New York, 4:30 AM
Tue Dec 15
67 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/23/09
I think I was probably "love obsessed" for most of my life. I never felt loved by my family (I actually still don't), and I sought that love from men, desperately trying to get them to stay when it was long over. I would say and do just about anything to keep from being alone.
I ended up marrying an abusive bi-polar sexual predator. He cheated on me so often and so flagrantly, it's almost comedic looking back on it. But I always took him back, because he had really good reasoning. He was a sex addict, and I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer, so if I left him because he was a sex addict, that would make me more immoral then he was. At least that was the story I bought. He told me that he knew what a rapist feels before they rape, and it made him feel uncomfortable, because he felt he was so close to doing it. I didn't leave him because I thought he was being so honest now, turning over a new leaf. He left the hospital after I had my son, for a day and a half, because he said he was kind of freaked out about being a father. The seed was planted in that hospital bed. I started to feel powerful. But I still didn't leave. I was starting to feel powerful, but also scared of being alone with a new baby. Turns out I was mostly alone anyway, weekends he'd be "at his mom's" or his "best friend's place to crash". I found hundreds of photos that he had taken with other women, almost all compromising positions, taken in the 6 months after the baby was born. The day I found the photos, I kicked him out. He refused to leave for another two weeks. The night before he left, he confessed that in college, he had been caught having sex with his 11 year old sister. Mostly oral, he said. And that it had been going on for years. She would have been 7 when it started. He thought it was a true confession moment that would make me take him back, you know, because now he's being honest. He'd never told anyone before, he said, not a soul knew the whole truth now except me.
I changed the locks when he went to work the next day. I called a crash-house hotel and made a reservation for him. He's still very mad at me for leaving the relationship, but at least he's got another girlfriend to unload his anger on.
So now I'm the opposite of love addicted. I'm love averse. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust a man in a relationship, not because I think they are all like my ex-husband, but because I don't trust my ability to judge a man for himself, and not just the love that I think he might give me.
11/23/09
I hope that you find strength within yourself to feel at peace and hopefully allow yourself to be vulnerable again, only this time with a lot more awareness of warning signs. I wish you all the best, you are incredibly strong.
11/23/09
And yes, obviously there's some more healing to do, but I'm busy taking care of my kiddo, working a full time job, a part time job, and going to school. So when I have time for relationships, in the healthiest manner that I can muster, then I'll work on that aspect. For now I watch Jon Stewart and read Jezebel.
11/24/09
11/23/09
I've had relationships with men that I completely obsess about, the last one was a total of 3 months, he broke it off and I still think about him...its been nearly 2 years since I've seen or heard from him. And he was the exact same guy as the first guy I had a relationship with who I also obsessed about for ages after we broke up.
I am COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY attracted to men that incapable of having a real relationship. As I tell my friends, if he's a HUGE douche, I'll fall in love with him, matter of fact, I'll pick him out from across the room as the guy I'm attracted to.
I've now not had ANY sort of relationship since that last guy and seeing things like Sex Rehab and reading posts here makes me wonder WTF I can do about it.
I'm completely aware of it but how in the F does one change what they are attracted to?
I meet nice guys but I have ZERO interest in intimacy or sex with them.
Sad.
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11/23/09
I'm not sure if it rises to the level of requiring some kind of therapy, but if you think that it's unhealthy or hurtful it certainly could help to talk to a professional about the issue and see if there is something that you can do.
Don't feel too badly, it's normal to want what you can't have and want something grand and powerful (and to hope that your love will be returned if you just do the right thing or say the right words). I mean I could be off base.
11/23/09
Whenever I've tried to get into a relationship with someone who doesn't knock me on my ass when I first meet them I get disgusted with them and pretty much cut everything off and almost hate them after the fact. Its like trying to drink wine when you haven't acquired the taste for it, no matter what you do its never good.
11/24/09
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11/24/09
Exhibit A: You aren't interested in guys who wants to have a relationship.
Exhibit B: You are very interested in guys who are incapable of having a relationship.
There ain't nothing wrong with a fling that stays just that.
11/24/09
When I meet someone and really like them, I want them to be MINE.
I very rarely find some attractive enough to want to be with them so when I do I definitely want a relationship, the idea of a guy I'm sleeping with being with anyone else is like a knife to the chest.
I WISH I could just have fuck buddies or flings, I think it would be better for me mentally, as I've gotten older I have realized I am not capable of that.
11/24/09
11/24/09
I remember even saying to friends, "I've NEVER been with a guy that is this nice to me. He is amazing."
He turned out to be a complete dick.
My radar is WAY off, or way ON to the same thing whether it be obvious to me or not.
11/23/09
...if only I had him as my therapist growing up le sigh
11/24/09
11/24/09
#tips
11/23/09
I finally just decided I didn't want to let him take over me anymore. I can't explain it any other way, I just stopped thinking about him gradually. When I was finally able to delete him from my Facebook friends, I was finally able to let go completely. But I still saw every time I left my house as an opportunity to find romance. Anyone who gave me any attention was the object of my obsession for a long time afterwards.
It's taken a long time, plus going away to college and a lot of therapy and antidepressants, but I've finally reached a place where I feel content with waiting for someone to find me. I'm not desperately searching anymore.
I feel deeply for Amber, and I hope she is able to find peace with herself soon.
11/23/09
I'm already planning to watch some of Sex Rehab to talk about how pop culture portrays it, but this will add to it.
11/23/09
11/23/09
I don't know if that's what she does, because I don't have a tv, so she might be a stalker. But this interview alone doesn't say "threatening" as much as "illness" to me.
11/23/09
I've been on the other side of this. When I was nineteen, a guy asked me out and could not get it into his head that I didn't want to be with him. He confronted me six months later when I started dating someone else, and broke down in tears begging me to answer why I wouldn't love him. It is scary. It is scary when someone is obsessed with you and writes you endless love poems and knocks on your door every night. All you want is to be left alone by this person you tried to be gentle to, and you're afraid of what's going to happen if you become angry at him, since the person doesn't seem stable to begin with.
From what she says, it sounds like she's not just facebook stalking the guy. As the doctor up there says, it's a matter of degrees. But she doesn't sound passive.
11/23/09
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11/24/09
11/23/09
So, on the show, one guy was really putting in the work to get better and overcome sex addiction. However, he kept getting indignant/disgusted when, say, a woman's jeans were too low or one woman went into the bathroom to brush her teeth while another was in the shower. His argument was "I'm a sex addict and you're flaunting this in front of me! I have to picture two women in a shower together?"
Now. I understand he has an illness and they're in a place that's supposed to be safe from all of that, but where do you draw the line in accomodating him? It's like, "Yeah, you're a sex addict and I'll respect that but... dude! You're a sex addict: it doesn't take much to trigger you."
Did anyone else see that or have any thoughts?
11/23/09
I feel like the more you work around him, the worse he would get.
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He lives in sex-rehab with women? I would hope there's a plan behind that. Like: better to get angry in controlled environments than out in the real world. Do the have group therapy and talk about this? If he's just holding his feelings in, he's bound to explode and fall back in to old behaviours.
11/23/09
11/23/09
@DudleyHeinsbergen: Yes, as I recall, he was beginning withdrawal that day.
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11/24/09
Instead of it helping him become more sane, all the accommodating of his feelings just encouraged his 'craziness', and made me live in a crazy world constructed by his fears and delusions. It's better to live in a sane world than to follow him down the path to insanity. Pull him up (with treatment combined with a refusal to join him in the delusions created by his mental illness), rather than let yourself be dragged down. Or if he won't get help, extricate yourself.
#tips
11/24/09
11/25/09
#tips
11/25/09
#tips
11/06/09
Fortunately, we got pregnant on the first try, so no issues there... I just had to deal with the pain during our attempt to conceive. I've asked my nurse practitioner at the ObGyn's office about it, but she didn't have a clue as to the reason. I wouldn't be surprised if there are more women out there with this problem than what is known. #sexsomnia
11/06/09
The fun part is I am allergic to latex also. #sexsomnia
11/05/09
My grandmother has just rolled over in her grave. #sexsomnia
11/05/09
I had a boyfriend once who had the same thing. We frequently woke up in the midst of wild, rapturous sex. I kind of miss that.
I didn't know what I had until I read this amazing article:
[www.nytimes.com] #sexsomnia
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So on the one hand you have a person with a disorder that causes them to initiate sexual activity beyond their awareness or ability to control (unless diagnosed and treated) and then you have the person(s) they are having the sex with who may have no reason to think the person initiating sex with them is unaware of their behavior. #sexsomnia
11/05/09
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11/05/09
I'm concerned about someone being incarcerated for having what he (or she) thought was consensual sex, that's all. And honestly, if someone has this condition, they have to be a little bit more cautious (not that it would be their fault at all if they were raped, but whoever was sleeping with them at the time wouldn't necessarily be held guilty either). #sexsomnia
11/05/09
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11/05/09
Forgive me for not using he/she in every comment I make on a website. #sexsomnia
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But generally speaking, I agree with you and that was my point. The need for consent doesn't magically go away just because someone has a sleep disorder, and frankly, I'm a bit horrified by some of the responses I've gotten here. #sexsomnia
11/05/09
Rape is rape; I can't conceive of a hypothetical where a rapist could use their victim's sexsomnia disorder as an affirmative defense.
In the cases you've mentioned, thesciencegirl, I also don't think these men would be off the hook (although it depends on the particular state law) because insanity (or whatever mental disorder) generally cannot be used as a defense in this country. #sexsomnia
11/05/09
Likewise for a sexsomniac.
The cases I read with successful sexsomnia defenses were all in the UK, I believe. #sexsomnia
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From what I understand of sleepwalking and other sleepwalking-like disorders, it's possible to not realize the person asleep is actually asleep. People sleepwalk with their eyes open. So if someone was asleep but you didn't realize it, and started to make sexy time moves, how could it be rape, legally?
I'm less concerned about actual cases in which rape under these circumstances are occcurring, and more concerned about this stuff getting used as an excuse for raping someone. This disorder is so rare that the larger danger (societally, obviously not on an individual level) is using it as a defense.
I've definitely started having sex while still asleep. I take medicine that makes me have very, very vivid dreams, and a few months ago I woke up in the middle of fooling around with my boyfriend. Actually I was about to have an orgasm and that was what woke me up. Actually it was fucking awesome. He didn't realize that I was asleep until after we were finished having sex (I woke up before there was any actual intercourse). He was like, "I was wondering why you suddenly went from being kind of quiet to suddenly being far more vocal." That woman's boyfriend is way creepier, though, because he knew she was asleep. If my boyfriend had known I was asleep he would have poked me in the cheek to wake me up and make sure everything was ok.
I wish it would happen more often though, because seriously waking up to an orgasm is delightful, especially for someone who usually has to concentrate really hard on to have one. #sexsomnia