Probably sharing a little too much here, but hell, internet anonymity, right?
I think I was probably "love obsessed" for most of my life. I never felt loved by my family (I actually still don't), and I sought that love from men, desperately trying to get them to stay when it was long over. I would say and do just about anything to keep from being alone.
I ended up marrying an abusive bi-polar sexual predator. He cheated on me so often and so flagrantly, it's almost comedic looking back on it. But I always took him back, because he had really good reasoning. He was a sex addict, and I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer, so if I left him because he was a sex addict, that would make me more immoral then he was. At least that was the story I bought. He told me that he knew what a rapist feels before they rape, and it made him feel uncomfortable, because he felt he was so close to doing it. I didn't leave him because I thought he was being so honest now, turning over a new leaf. He left the hospital after I had my son, for a day and a half, because he said he was kind of freaked out about being a father. The seed was planted in that hospital bed. I started to feel powerful. But I still didn't leave. I was starting to feel powerful, but also scared of being alone with a new baby. Turns out I was mostly alone anyway, weekends he'd be "at his mom's" or his "best friend's place to crash". I found hundreds of photos that he had taken with other women, almost all compromising positions, taken in the 6 months after the baby was born. The day I found the photos, I kicked him out. He refused to leave for another two weeks. The night before he left, he confessed that in college, he had been caught having sex with his 11 year old sister. Mostly oral, he said. And that it had been going on for years. She would have been 7 when it started. He thought it was a true confession moment that would make me take him back, you know, because now he's being honest. He'd never told anyone before, he said, not a soul knew the whole truth now except me.
I changed the locks when he went to work the next day. I called a crash-house hotel and made a reservation for him. He's still very mad at me for leaving the relationship, but at least he's got another girlfriend to unload his anger on.
So now I'm the opposite of love addicted. I'm love averse. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust a man in a relationship, not because I think they are all like my ex-husband, but because I don't trust my ability to judge a man for himself, and not just the love that I think he might give me.
@IowaJezebel: Sending you positive thoughts. It wasn't necessarily your ability to judge a man for himself. As with many abusive relationships it is often hard to see things for what they are, then add in the element of control, manipulation and power that the abuser uses, and it is no longer about your ability to be a good judge of character.
I hope that you find strength within yourself to feel at peace and hopefully allow yourself to be vulnerable again, only this time with a lot more awareness of warning signs. I wish you all the best, you are incredibly strong.
@brenbrowning: While I appreciate the support, I still have to take responsibility that I made the decisions that lead me to be in a relationship like that. That's not saying that he has no responsibility. It's saying that I'm in charge of my life and my own choices. This isn't about him, and honestly, it never really was. If he hadn't have done such completely depraved things in his life, I might still be making excuses for him, lying for him, covering things up for him. The story is gross and repulsive, but had it happened to a lesser degree, I would not be where I am today.
And yes, obviously there's some more healing to do, but I'm busy taking care of my kiddo, working a full time job, a part time job, and going to school. So when I have time for relationships, in the healthiest manner that I can muster, then I'll work on that aspect. For now I watch Jon Stewart and read Jezebel.
Watching that and reading these posts makes me not feel so great.
I've had relationships with men that I completely obsess about, the last one was a total of 3 months, he broke it off and I still think about him...its been nearly 2 years since I've seen or heard from him. And he was the exact same guy as the first guy I had a relationship with who I also obsessed about for ages after we broke up.
I am COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY attracted to men that incapable of having a real relationship. As I tell my friends, if he's a HUGE douche, I'll fall in love with him, matter of fact, I'll pick him out from across the room as the guy I'm attracted to.
I've now not had ANY sort of relationship since that last guy and seeing things like Sex Rehab and reading posts here makes me wonder WTF I can do about it.
I'm completely aware of it but how in the F does one change what they are attracted to?
I meet nice guys but I have ZERO interest in intimacy or sex with them.
Sad.
@veronykah: I had the "bad boy" fetish until a couple of years ago. What finally worked for me in breaking it was to bite the bullet and get into a relationship with a guy I was mildly attracted to and really good friends with. All of a sudden, being in this long term, caring relationship made him a lot more attractive to me. I guess I started to learn that the relationship is the beginning of your interaction with this person, not the end result you are striving towards. It taught me to open up my eyes to different types of men. Try to start dating a variety of different men, and think of the "boyfriend goal" as not a goal, but a learning experience. If you don't like a guy after dating him for a month, give it up. But don't rule someone out when they first ask you on a first date.
@veronykah: I think that recognizing that there is a pattern is a good first step.
I'm not sure if it rises to the level of requiring some kind of therapy, but if you think that it's unhealthy or hurtful it certainly could help to talk to a professional about the issue and see if there is something that you can do.
Don't feel too badly, it's normal to want what you can't have and want something grand and powerful (and to hope that your love will be returned if you just do the right thing or say the right words). I mean I could be off base.
@#c17059814:31 @whoneedslight: The weird part is I had a relationship that wasn't with a bad boy or someone I obsessed over, I lived with a boyfriend for 4 years, but when we finlly broke up [I wouldn't marry him] I went straight for Mr. SO Wrong and fell in love with him instantly. It made me realize I didn't even really like the guy I was "sort of" attracted to and lived with for 4 years. I could care less about that dude to this day. I broke off everything with him and consider that relationship the only regret of my life.
Whenever I've tried to get into a relationship with someone who doesn't knock me on my ass when I first meet them I get disgusted with them and pretty much cut everything off and almost hate them after the fact. Its like trying to drink wine when you haven't acquired the taste for it, no matter what you do its never good.
@Adah: This. I had the same problem, and then I started dating a guy that I wasn't initially extremely attracted to (although I have always thought he's cute in a non-conventional way). I've been seeing him for a few months now, and he treats me like gold. The fact that he is so good to me makes him that much more attractive, and I value him more and more every day. There's something to be said for dating a nice guy :)
@veronykah: Fake it til you make it. That's what my mother did to break her habit of being in relationships with abusive men. She had to recondition herself to be not only demand to be treated well, but to be ATTRACTED to it as well. That said, she had the help of a therapist. Perhaps it's something you should think about too.
@veronykah: Have you considered that you may not want a relationship at all? That maybe the whole relationship is just a social construct you talked yourself into having because er … of some … reason?
Exhibit A: You aren't interested in guys who wants to have a relationship.
Exhibit B: You are very interested in guys who are incapable of having a relationship.
There ain't nothing wrong with a fling that stays just that.
@Giao Nguyễn: That would be great if it were true. However, I find out these guys have these traits AFTER I've fallen for them hard.
When I meet someone and really like them, I want them to be MINE.
I very rarely find some attractive enough to want to be with them so when I do I definitely want a relationship, the idea of a guy I'm sleeping with being with anyone else is like a knife to the chest.
I WISH I could just have fuck buddies or flings, I think it would be better for me mentally, as I've gotten older I have realized I am not capable of that.
@MissN: I'd love to see a therapist, I'm not sure you can find one that is free or very very cheap. I have no insurance and a very sporadic income. Paying for therapy is but a pipe dream.
@Vivi21: I met that guy, he turned out to be the second one that broke my heart and turned out to be an enormous douchbag.
I remember even saying to friends, "I've NEVER been with a guy that is this nice to me. He is amazing."
He turned out to be a complete dick.
My radar is WAY off, or way ON to the same thing whether it be obvious to me or not.
I had a similar experience with someone two years ago. I met a guy once at a concert and we talked for a little bit, and I ended up obsessing over him for a little over a year. I checked his Facebook every day and felt genuinely sad when he got a girlfriend. The fact that he didn't want me ate away at my self esteem.
I finally just decided I didn't want to let him take over me anymore. I can't explain it any other way, I just stopped thinking about him gradually. When I was finally able to delete him from my Facebook friends, I was finally able to let go completely. But I still saw every time I left my house as an opportunity to find romance. Anyone who gave me any attention was the object of my obsession for a long time afterwards.
It's taken a long time, plus going away to college and a lot of therapy and antidepressants, but I've finally reached a place where I feel content with waiting for someone to find me. I'm not desperately searching anymore.
I feel deeply for Amber, and I hope she is able to find peace with herself soon.
Interesting that this is coming up - I'm currently writing a paper on nymphomania and how that (in scientific discourse) has transformed into sex addiction, and the sexism and double standards that are inherent in someone drawing the line at "too much sex."
I'm already planning to watch some of Sex Rehab to talk about how pop culture portrays it, but this will add to it.
So, Amber is, essentially, a female stalker? I feel as bad for the guys she's hanging onto for twelve (twelve!) years at a time as women who get stalked by men who they have no interest in.
@Adah: To be a stalker means that you're threatening. I don't know if she's threatening. Being in love with someone and obsessively checking their facebook page isn't the same thing as stalking, because it's passive obsession, as opposed to actively calling, showing up at the front door, following around, etc.
I don't know if that's what she does, because I don't have a tv, so she might be a stalker. But this interview alone doesn't say "threatening" as much as "illness" to me.
@Cimorene: If this started 12-15 years ago, it's unlikely that it was just checking a facebook page then. She says she couldn't stop texting and emailing the guy she dated three years ago, and that she is still "following him around" and "would like to be with him" to this day. That doesn't sound like she keeps checking his facebook updates.
I've been on the other side of this. When I was nineteen, a guy asked me out and could not get it into his head that I didn't want to be with him. He confronted me six months later when I started dating someone else, and broke down in tears begging me to answer why I wouldn't love him. It is scary. It is scary when someone is obsessed with you and writes you endless love poems and knocks on your door every night. All you want is to be left alone by this person you tried to be gentle to, and you're afraid of what's going to happen if you become angry at him, since the person doesn't seem stable to begin with.
From what she says, it sounds like she's not just facebook stalking the guy. As the doctor up there says, it's a matter of degrees. But she doesn't sound passive.
I've only seen the first episode of sex rehab, but I saw most of the season of Celebrity Rehab that Amber was on. She comes off as incredibly smart, self-aware, interesting, not to mention physically beautiful. I would think it must be harder for her to pick out the men who wouldn't have her over the ones who would. It is such a shame that her brain is messed up to the point of not allowing her to experience happiness and true fulfillment in her life. I'm rooting for her.
@FactCat: Don't count on it, no matter how beautiful you are if you're a love addict you attract a very specific sort of person. The kind of person incapable of being loved or intimate with someone. Also (as was mentioned on the show today) no matter how hot someone is obsession is a total turn off.
@veronykah: my first real relationship was the CLASSIC addicted clustefuck. Reading this [docs.google.com] From facing love addiction made me wake up. To find years of a relationship so perfectly described by a stranger as just the pathology of an addiction helped me move past the romantic idealization of the drama.
I happened to catch a couple episodes of this the other day and I thought about posing a question about it here: this is as good a place as any...
So, on the show, one guy was really putting in the work to get better and overcome sex addiction. However, he kept getting indignant/disgusted when, say, a woman's jeans were too low or one woman went into the bathroom to brush her teeth while another was in the shower. His argument was "I'm a sex addict and you're flaunting this in front of me! I have to picture two women in a shower together?"
Now. I understand he has an illness and they're in a place that's supposed to be safe from all of that, but where do you draw the line in accomodating him? It's like, "Yeah, you're a sex addict and I'll respect that but... dude! You're a sex addict: it doesn't take much to trigger you."
@LaComtesse: Besides telling her to pull up her pants, they really didn't accommodate him too much. I felt like the girl with her tuckus hanging out, was doing it to mess with the guys. She likes to stir the pot, as my Grandma might say. But the other two women were just doing the normal routine, so he just sort of had to deal with it. Like with having the woman around in the facility, part of it is teaching him to deal with those things and NOT be triggered.
@sayah: I mean, he's obviously a very self-centered person, even if it doubles as self-loathing. I understand that he doesn't understand how normal sexual interactions work yet so he needs to be "programmed" as it were, but I question what the best way to do that is. It's a conundrum.
@LaComtesse: They are not supposed to dress provocatively, and CarrieAnn's buttcrack is just another manifestation of her passive-aggressive behavior in the rehab. They are also supposed to avoid all physical contact, so maybe he thinks the showering is too risky? He seems to be legitimately struggling with his impulses, so I took it as a sincere effort to avoid anything that was triggering to him.
@DudleyHeinsbergen: @midwesternmom: The buttcrack I agreed with, but that's even just as a "appropriate/inappropriate behavior" moment for HER less so than for him. As for the showering, he didn't seem concerned for THEM: it seemed he was angry that they were "tempting him."
@LaComtesse: I haven't seen the show so these are just my spontaneous thoughts here.
He lives in sex-rehab with women? I would hope there's a plan behind that. Like: better to get angry in controlled environments than out in the real world. Do the have group therapy and talk about this? If he's just holding his feelings in, he's bound to explode and fall back in to old behaviours.
@LaComtesse: He did seem to blaming them, but he wasn't himself that day. I think the biggest problem with him is from what I've seen is that he's extremely fixated on Amber. He thinks he's in love with her. More so than no being able to deal with the woman showering or whatever, that'll be his biggest problem. He barely knows Amber and his projecting all that onto her, thinking its healthy.
@sayah: I would imagine that an integrated environment has its benefits, like, you're beginning to see woman as more than just objects. They become actual people with emotions as profound and wounded as yours.
@DudleyHeinsbergen: Yes, as I recall, he was beginning withdrawal that day.
@sayah: Well, the best way I can put it without writing a term-paper-length screed is this: I was involved with a man with some moderate/serious mental illnesses, which were at the time untreated. The more I tried to accommodate his "needs" (to control his world, including me, etc.), the worse the situation became. The box we existed in got smaller, and smaller, and smaller.
Instead of it helping him become more sane, all the accommodating of his feelings just encouraged his 'craziness', and made me live in a crazy world constructed by his fears and delusions. It's better to live in a sane world than to follow him down the path to insanity. Pull him up (with treatment combined with a refusal to join him in the delusions created by his mental illness), rather than let yourself be dragged down. Or if he won't get help, extricate yourself.
I saw the semen allergy segment preview on Good Morning America and this really struck close to home, as I'm confident I have the same thing, I just never knew what it was. I've only had one partner, my husband, and I always had severe internal pain from his semen (and note to Tracie, I never had a reaction from semen elsewhere, such as on my skin, just in the vagina). Because he is my only partner, I thought maybe it was just something wrong with me.
Fortunately, we got pregnant on the first try, so no issues there... I just had to deal with the pain during our attempt to conceive. I've asked my nurse practitioner at the ObGyn's office about it, but she didn't have a clue as to the reason. I wouldn't be surprised if there are more women out there with this problem than what is known. #sexsomnia
@Newmy: I have a sensitivity to my husband too. It doesn't cause me pain unless we're doing it more than once a day but at that point he can actually change my internal pH and I get incredible illnesses from that. We've both been checked out and that is the only thing it can be.
The fun part is I am allergic to latex also. #sexsomnia
I have sexsomnia. I might masturbate furiously, or I might grope or go down on my bed partner. It's only happened with lovers, usually after we have sex and fall asleep, but it makes me uneasy about whom I share a bed or room with, for sure.
I had a boyfriend once who had the same thing. We frequently woke up in the midst of wild, rapturous sex. I kind of miss that.
An ex of mine did this once. I would have been down for it except he lived in a dorm at the time and his roomate was about 2 feet away, so I was stuck trying to wake him up without waking up the roomate. It was way awkward #sexsomnia
@dreamypisces: Well I don't think that would have happened. It was something about having a person in the bed that triggered it. Which makes sense- spooning-arousal-sex, but just without waking up in between #sexsomnia
@mannequin: My old roommate's mom is an allergist, and she said that this couple wanted to have kids and have sex without condoms, but the wife was allergic to his sperm. So her mom, their allergist, basically injected her with a little bit of his sperm over the course of a year (or more?) so that she could build up an immunity and get over her allergy. #sexsomnia
I can see women being really, really taken advantage of (and let's be blunt, raped) if they have sexsomnia -- and then having a really hard time successfully prosecuting their rapist. #sexsomnia
@thesciencegirl: Honestly, if the woman initiates and the man is unaware of her condition, I don't think the act can be considered rape. And if she's aware of her condition, she's assuming the risk by sleeping in the same bed as some one. The line has to be drawn somewhere to protect innocent people from being incarcerated. #sexsomnia
@thesciencegirl: according to the Wiki the first widely reported case of this the opposite happened where the person with sexsomnia was accused, and acquitted, of assault. I guess it could go either way, from what I'm reading here the person with the disorder is the one initiating the act and can appear to be at least somewhat alert.
So on the one hand you have a person with a disorder that causes them to initiate sexual activity beyond their awareness or ability to control (unless diagnosed and treated) and then you have the person(s) they are having the sex with who may have no reason to think the person initiating sex with them is unaware of their behavior. #sexsomnia
@tehcutie: What if she is unaware of her condition and her attacker is aware? What if her attacker was not invited into her bed? Also, ummm..... sleeping in the same bed as someone does not equal consent to have sex. I am a lot more concerned about potential victims than drawing an arbitrary line. #sexsomnia
@logruszed: Ok, after doing some reading, it looks like there have been a handful of high-profile cases of people with the disorder (which is apparently more common in men) being accused of assaulting or raping others, and having no idea they'd done it. That's... such an awful situation for everyone involved. #sexsomnia
@thesciencegirl: In cases of "normal" people sharing beds, sleeping in the same bed definitely does not constitute consent.
I'm concerned about someone being incarcerated for having what he (or she) thought was consensual sex, that's all. And honestly, if someone has this condition, they have to be a little bit more cautious (not that it would be their fault at all if they were raped, but whoever was sleeping with them at the time wouldn't necessarily be held guilty either). #sexsomnia
@colormeroutine: Did you watch the first clip? The woman's boyfriend frankly said to her, "you've been having sex in your sleep for a long time." Meanwhile, she had no idea. They may not know the name of the condition, but apparently, it can be obvious that the person is sleeping (just as it can be with sleepwalking). #sexsomnia
@tehcutie: I see your points. But go back and read my original comment. I am concerned about this condition making someone more vulnerable to rape. I didn't say that sleeping with a sexsomniac always constitutes rape or anything like that. #sexsomnia
@thesciencegirl: sex with a sleeping person is rape, just like sex with an incapacitatedly drunk person is rape. People engaged in parasomniac behaviors are not fully aware of what they are doing. It is impossible to consent in such a condition. #sexsomnia
@Faster.Pussycat: FYI, I read a medical journal article that showed it being more common in men. (though it has not been studied much at this point). #sexsomnia
@Faster.Pussycat: I can conceive of situations where either the sexsomniac's partner did not realize they were asleep (which, I guess, yeah, that's still rape, though not intentional) or the sexsomniac gave consent to their partner to engage in behaviors that they may initiate while asleep (and by consent, I mean an explicit conversation, not just sharing a bed with someone).
But generally speaking, I agree with you and that was my point. The need for consent doesn't magically go away just because someone has a sleep disorder, and frankly, I'm a bit horrified by some of the responses I've gotten here. #sexsomnia
@thesciencegirl: I think you guys are confusing "consent" and being the one to actually initiate the act. This disorder presumably causes the women or men to begin engaging in sex.
Rape is rape; I can't conceive of a hypothetical where a rapist could use their victim's sexsomnia disorder as an affirmative defense.
In the cases you've mentioned, thesciencegirl, I also don't think these men would be off the hook (although it depends on the particular state law) because insanity (or whatever mental disorder) generally cannot be used as a defense in this country. #sexsomnia
@thesciencegirl: I get that the need for consent does not go away, but it's just, what exactly are you supposed to do? People with this disorder can get pretty damn persistent, and can be very hard to wake up. #sexsomnia
@tehcutie: when people are awake and sober, sure, you can assume that the initiator consents. when people are asleep/drunk, just because they are initiating, doesn't mean they really want it. esp if they are asleep. they are not exercising bad or confused judgement, as a drunk person throwing hirself at somebody might be. judgement just doesn't exist. #sexsomnia
@colormeroutine: Yes, I grant that it can be a complicated situation all around. But watching that video, when the woman reported her boyfriend nonchalantly saying that she regularly initiated sex while sleeping and he had never told her, was I the only one totally squicked out by that?! #sexsomnia
@Faster.Pussycat: I get your point, but: Someone I dated occasionally did this. As I already said, people with this condition can be pretty damn persistent, and pretty hard to wake up. The first time it happened I didn't realize he was asleep at first, but DID object because his roommate was asleep about 5 feet away. I was trying to wrestle him off/figure out what the fuck was going on without making any noise, and then I realized he was asleep. I was eventually able to push him off and leave the room for a few minutes, and when I came back he was still asleep, totally normal, and it was all good. But let's say I hadn't been able to push him off or the roommate wasn't there and I didn't realize he was asleep....I'd be a rapist, then? #sexsomnia
@colormeroutine: If you hadn't been able to push him off, how does that make YOU a rapist? I feel like people are talking about different scenarios here and everyone is trying to conflate them. #sexsomnia
@thesciencegirl: That's my point. faster.pussycat is simultaneously saying that sex with a sleeping person is rape, full-stop, even if they initiate it, because judgement doesn't exist, but that a sleeping person can be a rapist. I was attempting to illustrate why that makes no sense #sexsomnia
@tehcutie: Drunk/high people initiate sex, but they can't legally consent. Underage people can initiate sex, but they can't legally consent. There are plenty of scenarios, including this one, where someone can initiate sex but can't actually consent to it. #sexsomnia
@Faster.Pussycat: I think that one cannot conflate this particular disease with being drunk or high. When someone is so drunk that they don't know what they're doing, it's obvious that they are drunk. So when someone has sex with a drunk person who's too drunk to consent, the non-drunk person is a rapist.
From what I understand of sleepwalking and other sleepwalking-like disorders, it's possible to not realize the person asleep is actually asleep. People sleepwalk with their eyes open. So if someone was asleep but you didn't realize it, and started to make sexy time moves, how could it be rape, legally?
I'm less concerned about actual cases in which rape under these circumstances are occcurring, and more concerned about this stuff getting used as an excuse for raping someone. This disorder is so rare that the larger danger (societally, obviously not on an individual level) is using it as a defense.
I've definitely started having sex while still asleep. I take medicine that makes me have very, very vivid dreams, and a few months ago I woke up in the middle of fooling around with my boyfriend. Actually I was about to have an orgasm and that was what woke me up. Actually it was fucking awesome. He didn't realize that I was asleep until after we were finished having sex (I woke up before there was any actual intercourse). He was like, "I was wondering why you suddenly went from being kind of quiet to suddenly being far more vocal." That woman's boyfriend is way creepier, though, because he knew she was asleep. If my boyfriend had known I was asleep he would have poked me in the cheek to wake me up and make sure everything was ok.
I wish it would happen more often though, because seriously waking up to an orgasm is delightful, especially for someone who usually has to concentrate really hard on to have one. #sexsomnia
11/23/09
I think I was probably "love obsessed" for most of my life. I never felt loved by my family (I actually still don't), and I sought that love from men, desperately trying to get them to stay when it was long over. I would say and do just about anything to keep from being alone.
I ended up marrying an abusive bi-polar sexual predator. He cheated on me so often and so flagrantly, it's almost comedic looking back on it. But I always took him back, because he had really good reasoning. He was a sex addict, and I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer, so if I left him because he was a sex addict, that would make me more immoral then he was. At least that was the story I bought. He told me that he knew what a rapist feels before they rape, and it made him feel uncomfortable, because he felt he was so close to doing it. I didn't leave him because I thought he was being so honest now, turning over a new leaf. He left the hospital after I had my son, for a day and a half, because he said he was kind of freaked out about being a father. The seed was planted in that hospital bed. I started to feel powerful. But I still didn't leave. I was starting to feel powerful, but also scared of being alone with a new baby. Turns out I was mostly alone anyway, weekends he'd be "at his mom's" or his "best friend's place to crash". I found hundreds of photos that he had taken with other women, almost all compromising positions, taken in the 6 months after the baby was born. The day I found the photos, I kicked him out. He refused to leave for another two weeks. The night before he left, he confessed that in college, he had been caught having sex with his 11 year old sister. Mostly oral, he said. And that it had been going on for years. She would have been 7 when it started. He thought it was a true confession moment that would make me take him back, you know, because now he's being honest. He'd never told anyone before, he said, not a soul knew the whole truth now except me.
I changed the locks when he went to work the next day. I called a crash-house hotel and made a reservation for him. He's still very mad at me for leaving the relationship, but at least he's got another girlfriend to unload his anger on.
So now I'm the opposite of love addicted. I'm love averse. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust a man in a relationship, not because I think they are all like my ex-husband, but because I don't trust my ability to judge a man for himself, and not just the love that I think he might give me.
11/23/09
I hope that you find strength within yourself to feel at peace and hopefully allow yourself to be vulnerable again, only this time with a lot more awareness of warning signs. I wish you all the best, you are incredibly strong.
11/23/09
And yes, obviously there's some more healing to do, but I'm busy taking care of my kiddo, working a full time job, a part time job, and going to school. So when I have time for relationships, in the healthiest manner that I can muster, then I'll work on that aspect. For now I watch Jon Stewart and read Jezebel.
11/24/09
11/23/09
I've had relationships with men that I completely obsess about, the last one was a total of 3 months, he broke it off and I still think about him...its been nearly 2 years since I've seen or heard from him. And he was the exact same guy as the first guy I had a relationship with who I also obsessed about for ages after we broke up.
I am COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY attracted to men that incapable of having a real relationship. As I tell my friends, if he's a HUGE douche, I'll fall in love with him, matter of fact, I'll pick him out from across the room as the guy I'm attracted to.
I've now not had ANY sort of relationship since that last guy and seeing things like Sex Rehab and reading posts here makes me wonder WTF I can do about it.
I'm completely aware of it but how in the F does one change what they are attracted to?
I meet nice guys but I have ZERO interest in intimacy or sex with them.
Sad.
11/23/09
11/23/09
I'm not sure if it rises to the level of requiring some kind of therapy, but if you think that it's unhealthy or hurtful it certainly could help to talk to a professional about the issue and see if there is something that you can do.
Don't feel too badly, it's normal to want what you can't have and want something grand and powerful (and to hope that your love will be returned if you just do the right thing or say the right words). I mean I could be off base.
11/23/09
Whenever I've tried to get into a relationship with someone who doesn't knock me on my ass when I first meet them I get disgusted with them and pretty much cut everything off and almost hate them after the fact. Its like trying to drink wine when you haven't acquired the taste for it, no matter what you do its never good.
11/24/09
11/24/09
11/24/09
Exhibit A: You aren't interested in guys who wants to have a relationship.
Exhibit B: You are very interested in guys who are incapable of having a relationship.
There ain't nothing wrong with a fling that stays just that.
11/24/09
When I meet someone and really like them, I want them to be MINE.
I very rarely find some attractive enough to want to be with them so when I do I definitely want a relationship, the idea of a guy I'm sleeping with being with anyone else is like a knife to the chest.
I WISH I could just have fuck buddies or flings, I think it would be better for me mentally, as I've gotten older I have realized I am not capable of that.
11/24/09
11/24/09
I remember even saying to friends, "I've NEVER been with a guy that is this nice to me. He is amazing."
He turned out to be a complete dick.
My radar is WAY off, or way ON to the same thing whether it be obvious to me or not.
11/23/09
...if only I had him as my therapist growing up le sigh
11/24/09
11/24/09
#tips
11/23/09
I finally just decided I didn't want to let him take over me anymore. I can't explain it any other way, I just stopped thinking about him gradually. When I was finally able to delete him from my Facebook friends, I was finally able to let go completely. But I still saw every time I left my house as an opportunity to find romance. Anyone who gave me any attention was the object of my obsession for a long time afterwards.
It's taken a long time, plus going away to college and a lot of therapy and antidepressants, but I've finally reached a place where I feel content with waiting for someone to find me. I'm not desperately searching anymore.
I feel deeply for Amber, and I hope she is able to find peace with herself soon.
11/23/09
I'm already planning to watch some of Sex Rehab to talk about how pop culture portrays it, but this will add to it.
11/23/09
11/23/09
I don't know if that's what she does, because I don't have a tv, so she might be a stalker. But this interview alone doesn't say "threatening" as much as "illness" to me.
11/23/09
I've been on the other side of this. When I was nineteen, a guy asked me out and could not get it into his head that I didn't want to be with him. He confronted me six months later when I started dating someone else, and broke down in tears begging me to answer why I wouldn't love him. It is scary. It is scary when someone is obsessed with you and writes you endless love poems and knocks on your door every night. All you want is to be left alone by this person you tried to be gentle to, and you're afraid of what's going to happen if you become angry at him, since the person doesn't seem stable to begin with.
From what she says, it sounds like she's not just facebook stalking the guy. As the doctor up there says, it's a matter of degrees. But she doesn't sound passive.
11/23/09
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11/23/09
So, on the show, one guy was really putting in the work to get better and overcome sex addiction. However, he kept getting indignant/disgusted when, say, a woman's jeans were too low or one woman went into the bathroom to brush her teeth while another was in the shower. His argument was "I'm a sex addict and you're flaunting this in front of me! I have to picture two women in a shower together?"
Now. I understand he has an illness and they're in a place that's supposed to be safe from all of that, but where do you draw the line in accomodating him? It's like, "Yeah, you're a sex addict and I'll respect that but... dude! You're a sex addict: it doesn't take much to trigger you."
Did anyone else see that or have any thoughts?
11/23/09
I feel like the more you work around him, the worse he would get.
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11/23/09
He lives in sex-rehab with women? I would hope there's a plan behind that. Like: better to get angry in controlled environments than out in the real world. Do the have group therapy and talk about this? If he's just holding his feelings in, he's bound to explode and fall back in to old behaviours.
11/23/09
11/23/09
@DudleyHeinsbergen: Yes, as I recall, he was beginning withdrawal that day.
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11/24/09
Instead of it helping him become more sane, all the accommodating of his feelings just encouraged his 'craziness', and made me live in a crazy world constructed by his fears and delusions. It's better to live in a sane world than to follow him down the path to insanity. Pull him up (with treatment combined with a refusal to join him in the delusions created by his mental illness), rather than let yourself be dragged down. Or if he won't get help, extricate yourself.
#tips
11/24/09
11/25/09
#tips
11/25/09
#tips
11/06/09
Fortunately, we got pregnant on the first try, so no issues there... I just had to deal with the pain during our attempt to conceive. I've asked my nurse practitioner at the ObGyn's office about it, but she didn't have a clue as to the reason. I wouldn't be surprised if there are more women out there with this problem than what is known. #sexsomnia
11/06/09
The fun part is I am allergic to latex also. #sexsomnia
11/05/09
My grandmother has just rolled over in her grave. #sexsomnia
11/05/09
I had a boyfriend once who had the same thing. We frequently woke up in the midst of wild, rapturous sex. I kind of miss that.
I didn't know what I had until I read this amazing article:
[www.nytimes.com] #sexsomnia
11/05/09
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So on the one hand you have a person with a disorder that causes them to initiate sexual activity beyond their awareness or ability to control (unless diagnosed and treated) and then you have the person(s) they are having the sex with who may have no reason to think the person initiating sex with them is unaware of their behavior. #sexsomnia
11/05/09
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I'm concerned about someone being incarcerated for having what he (or she) thought was consensual sex, that's all. And honestly, if someone has this condition, they have to be a little bit more cautious (not that it would be their fault at all if they were raped, but whoever was sleeping with them at the time wouldn't necessarily be held guilty either). #sexsomnia
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Forgive me for not using he/she in every comment I make on a website. #sexsomnia
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But generally speaking, I agree with you and that was my point. The need for consent doesn't magically go away just because someone has a sleep disorder, and frankly, I'm a bit horrified by some of the responses I've gotten here. #sexsomnia
11/05/09
Rape is rape; I can't conceive of a hypothetical where a rapist could use their victim's sexsomnia disorder as an affirmative defense.
In the cases you've mentioned, thesciencegirl, I also don't think these men would be off the hook (although it depends on the particular state law) because insanity (or whatever mental disorder) generally cannot be used as a defense in this country. #sexsomnia
11/05/09
Likewise for a sexsomniac.
The cases I read with successful sexsomnia defenses were all in the UK, I believe. #sexsomnia
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From what I understand of sleepwalking and other sleepwalking-like disorders, it's possible to not realize the person asleep is actually asleep. People sleepwalk with their eyes open. So if someone was asleep but you didn't realize it, and started to make sexy time moves, how could it be rape, legally?
I'm less concerned about actual cases in which rape under these circumstances are occcurring, and more concerned about this stuff getting used as an excuse for raping someone. This disorder is so rare that the larger danger (societally, obviously not on an individual level) is using it as a defense.
I've definitely started having sex while still asleep. I take medicine that makes me have very, very vivid dreams, and a few months ago I woke up in the middle of fooling around with my boyfriend. Actually I was about to have an orgasm and that was what woke me up. Actually it was fucking awesome. He didn't realize that I was asleep until after we were finished having sex (I woke up before there was any actual intercourse). He was like, "I was wondering why you suddenly went from being kind of quiet to suddenly being far more vocal." That woman's boyfriend is way creepier, though, because he knew she was asleep. If my boyfriend had known I was asleep he would have poked me in the cheek to wake me up and make sure everything was ok.
I wish it would happen more often though, because seriously waking up to an orgasm is delightful, especially for someone who usually has to concentrate really hard on to have one. #sexsomnia