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New York, 1:34 AM
Tue Nov 24
65 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/23/09
I've had relationships with men that I completely obsess about, the last one was a total of 3 months, he broke it off and I still think about him...its been nearly 2 years since I've seen or heard from him. And he was the exact same guy as the first guy I had a relationship with who I also obsessed about for ages after we broke up.
I am COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY attracted to men that incapable of having a real relationship. As I tell my friends, if he's a HUGE douche, I'll fall in love with him, matter of fact, I'll pick him out from across the room as the guy I'm attracted to.
I've now not had ANY sort of relationship since that last guy and seeing things like Sex Rehab and reading posts here makes me wonder WTF I can do about it.
I'm completely aware of it but how in the F does one change what they are attracted to?
I meet nice guys but I have ZERO interest in intimacy or sex with them.
Sad.
11/23/09
11/23/09
I'm not sure if it rises to the level of requiring some kind of therapy, but if you think that it's unhealthy or hurtful it certainly could help to talk to a professional about the issue and see if there is something that you can do.
Don't feel too badly, it's normal to want what you can't have and want something grand and powerful (and to hope that your love will be returned if you just do the right thing or say the right words). I mean I could be off base.
11/23/09
Whenever I've tried to get into a relationship with someone who doesn't knock me on my ass when I first meet them I get disgusted with them and pretty much cut everything off and almost hate them after the fact. Its like trying to drink wine when you haven't acquired the taste for it, no matter what you do its never good.
11/23/09
...if only I had him as my therapist growing up le sigh
11/23/09
So, on the show, one guy was really putting in the work to get better and overcome sex addiction. However, he kept getting indignant/disgusted when, say, a woman's jeans were too low or one woman went into the bathroom to brush her teeth while another was in the shower. His argument was "I'm a sex addict and you're flaunting this in front of me! I have to picture two women in a shower together?"
Now. I understand he has an illness and they're in a place that's supposed to be safe from all of that, but where do you draw the line in accomodating him? It's like, "Yeah, you're a sex addict and I'll respect that but... dude! You're a sex addict: it doesn't take much to trigger you."
Did anyone else see that or have any thoughts?
11/23/09
I feel like the more you work around him, the worse he would get.
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11/23/09
He lives in sex-rehab with women? I would hope there's a plan behind that. Like: better to get angry in controlled environments than out in the real world. Do the have group therapy and talk about this? If he's just holding his feelings in, he's bound to explode and fall back in to old behaviours.
11/23/09
11/23/09
@DudleyHeinsbergen: Yes, as I recall, he was beginning withdrawal that day.
11/23/09
11/03/09
11/04/09
on the flip side, it makes me question when a guy is caught in an affair is immediately treated for sex addiction (exhibit a: that guy on sportscenter). being caught one time cheating on a spouse is one thing, and being a sex addict is something else entirely. even people who carry on decades-long affairs while married doesn't make them a sex addict. correlation is not causation. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
11/03/09
I think there probably are some people who are addicted to sex, but these guy had a year long relationship during his addiction that appears to have been monogamous. I think that shifts it from addiction to abusive behavior. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
I assume it would be rather easy to avoid rejection if you know your prey. People experience rejection in normal pick-up situations because we're looking for people we're attracted to, people we want rather than just the people who we think want us. If you shift your focus to just the easiest targets in the room, be they the people checking you out or the people projecting behavior similar to your own, the possibly of rejection decreases greatly, especially if you're good at reading people. If you're good at the game, you can tell fairly quickly if the person you're speaking to will go home with you; if you're not getting that vibe, you smile, say it was nice talking to him/her, and move on to the next person. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
But I hear you on "confessions" that are meant to be more titillating.
11/03/09
I don't think anyone is so amazing at seeing "prey" that they are almost completely avoiding rejection. People aren't that predictable, no matter what pick up artists say.
Even Russel Brand, who has quasi admitted sex addiction, seems to have studied pick up techniques and is famous talks about women who say they want to screw him, but really want to hang out and get an autograph. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
11/03/09
And I don't think reading people is a matter of predictability; it's a matter of transparency. There's a subtle but important difference. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
i think the "shiny gloss" comes from the general media's inability to see a sex addiction as anything other than titillating.
the real world of a sex addict includes all the same desperation you mention in gambling. plus the real danger of multiple STDs or worse, HIV/ AIDS. i mentioned in my earlier comment that my man's sex addiction was geared towards anonymous, mindless hookups to give BJs to other men. he spent tons of money on pay-by-the-minute phone lines, entrance into a gay men's sex club, etc etc.
the desperate not very sexy world of the sex addict is out there. it's not just hetero and it isn't always gorgeous and sexy. that's why you don't read about that side of it so much. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
11/03/09
"What truly disturbed me was my ability to use my honesty to get so many women into bed under the guise that I was interested in them long term. "
Is so familiar. I completely believe in the sex addition thing. They both had serious issues with their moms, reeled me in by playing the super into you wanna be your boyfriend and have no one else game and both up and left with little to no explanation. They were the same dude, and I'm sure they are doing it to women to this day.
Also, looking back, they both had SERIOUS issues with family and didn't seem to be having all the relationships because they believed themselves to be "players".
Definitely a personality type to avoid at all costs. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
the fact is, sex addiction spans all genders and orientations. my own man struggled with a sex addiction that drove him compulsively, mindlessly to anonymous encounters with other men. this stemmed from early childhood sexual abuse, and whenever he felt under stress, he would seek out this form of release.
imagine somebody online until 4 am in the morning, unable to sleep and desperately seeking out a halfway suitable hookup and you get an idea of the absolute hopelessness. not to mention dangerous, as his specific hookup was giving BJs.
11/03/09
11/03/09
i can only speak from my personal experience in living with my guy, but there was absolutely no control for him involved when "it" kicked in. sorta how you might picture when people are drug addicts and are trying to score a hit. nothing matters anymore except this one thing. #toxicbachelors
11/04/09
11/04/09
i will PM you. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
You've gotta be kidding me with this sentence. A) Speak for yourself. B) Convenient disorder? What does that even mean? #toxicbachelors
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11/03/09
In that sense, it's a "convenient" excuse for what is often (but of course not always) merely selfish and assholish behavior, not an addiction. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
If a person identifies as an addict, I would say she's taken the first step toward recovery rather than saying she's using it as an excuse to continue her behavior.
I know a lot of addicts, but the only ones who identify themselves as such are the ones working toward recovery. The rest are in denial, and use their DENIAL as an excuse to continue their destructive behavior.
I think it's sad that someone would minimize or deny a person's problem by calling it 'convenient'. I find it offensive, ignorant, and counterproductive.
(Read caps as italics, please, not as shouting. I didn't know how to italicize) #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
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11/03/09
Total compulsion... I'm not sure of the details but he said he was molested by a guy in his neighborhood when he was a kid. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
Also, I think this speaks volumes. The fact that he tried to be honest with the women he encountered and was met with such anger says more about the women than him.
I am in no way a sex addict, but I very much empathize with compartmentalizing sex as he did. I'm happy that he was able to get past this roadblock. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
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11/03/09
I think what makes an addiction to sex so fascinating is that it involves such intimate personal/physical encounters. This adds an additional layer not often found with other addictions.
A sex addiction is not your inability to not cheat, nor is your need to have someone around you all the time. The very definition of addiction includes a level of compulsion that most people do not meet, even if they claim to. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
11/03/09
He did not "just" screw up romantic relationships. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
Its great if the therapy helped him, but I'm not sure this is addiction.
11/03/09
And as mentioned above, people who legitimately think they're addicts are probably addicts. And I'm not talking about people who use the term in a casual, excuse-making, almost-bragging sort of way. I'm talking about people who are willing to do the gut-wrenching, painful process that is recovery. Those meetings are not joking around. It's not something you do unless you absolutely have to. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
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11/03/09
Sex addiction can be real without this guy being a sex addict. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
The fact that he got 'bored of his girlfriend for no real reason' indicates a problem. It can take that long for the 'high' of a new relationship to wear off before seeking that high again in a new affair. It sounds like he was not relating to people and forming real bonds, he was consuming people to get high, to get his fix. #toxicbachelors
11/03/09
Breaking up with someone because you're bored with them is pretty normal behavior. Less than ideal, perhaps but at most it points to committment issues not sex addiction. But his behavior in the relationship does not match the definition of a sex addict- he wasn't using her for his fix. #toxicbachelors
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