This is a great masturbation device, a gorgeous pair of plump life size breasts with a pussy in a realistic flesh colour, and also has an integral multispeed vibrator for extra sensations! Slide your hard erection in between these pert babies and thrust into the hot pussy, your dreams will come turn as the vibrations tease your erection to fullness and you work your way towards that urgent ejaculation!

Except, that is, for this "Rocker Apparatus," invented by Georgianna Reid when she stuck a dildo through the front of her wicker rocking chair and used her legs to rock the chair and thereby, well, you know. Although Hess's post is called "Dildos of the Future," a wicker chair seems rather a low-tech method compared to some fucking machines I've seen. But, to Reid, it must have been quite the pleasurable revelation — and good for her!

The only other application with a woman's name on it is for the "double anchor strapless dildo," for whom the (I hope) husband-and-wife team of Steven and Carolyn Skidmore are listed as inventors. The device defies description but I will make an effort if you'll look at the picture.

My understanding is that the woman wearing the strap-on, instead of putting it in a harness, sticks the barbed bit in her ass like a butt plug and the shorter end in her vagina and, thus "anchored," fucks her partner (in the application, it's intended to be a woman, but choose your own adventure) with the longer protuberance. I'm going to guess that the Skidmores have a close relationship.

The other inventions — including a dildo attached to an Ab Rocker (which I am pretty sure I saw in some gay porn), a make-a-copy-of your-willy kit (similar to what Tracie used to make a lollipop 18 months ago) and the idea of female sperm — were all invented by men, possibly for their own use. But what was the stupidest sex toy you ever saw — the one that was designed for how a dude thinks women fuck themselves? And what would you invent, if you could?

The Dildos of the Future [The Sexist]

Earlier: Sexual Chocolate: Testing The Clone-A-Willy Kit

My favorite part about how women were discovering how to pleasure themselves is this lady's face when she's shown a vibrating dildo.

The documentary also talks about the feminist protest of the 1969 Miss America Pageant in Atlantic City, a pivotal moment in the women's movement. Usually, for retrospectives on feminism, we hear a lot from scholarly talking heads who have not only studied and analyzed the movement, but were also part of it. But Sex in '69 featured a lesser-examined — but equally illuminating — viewpoint: that of a 1969 Miss America contestant. In this clip, Susan Anton, Miss California 1969, gives her take on how the protest affected her. Interestingly, 40 years later, she is grateful for women's liberation, and thinks we still have a long way to go.

• You can also buy a book that allows you to put your dick in a hole, if you have one, since some men have the need to make everything about their dicks. • The Wall Street Journal investigates the pink taxi service launched in Beirut in March, which provides a safe mode of transportation for women. Many Muslim women, who are barred from riding in cars with men other than their husbands or relatives, find the service especially helpful. • Mazen Abdul Jawad was arrested in Saudi Arabia earlier this month for bragging about his sex life on the Lebanese television show "Red Lines." He reportedly discussed his enjoyment of sex and how he lost his virginity at age 14. According to a Saudi daily newspaper, Abdul Jawad has issued a public apology about his behavior. • Sheila C. Bair, chairman of the FDIC, on her side career as a writer: "I discovered children's picture books when I had children and began reading to them. I loved the combination of the written word and a visual depiction... That gave me the idea to write children's books that would educate children about finance. I thought it could be a powerful way to convey information to children, and that parents would pick it up, too." • Nearly 71 percent of cats live in multiple cat households, so there are a lot of people unhappy with the "crazy cat lady" moniker. • Chief justice Abdul-Raoul Halabi of Gaza said on Monday that he plans on instituting a ban on female lawyers who do not dress in accordance with Islamic law when the court returns from summer recess in September. Women will be required to wear a headscarf and a long, dark colored cloak in order to appear in court. • The Hindustan Times reports on the sad truth of child marriages in India. Despite the 2006 Prohibition of Child Marriages Act, almost every child in the village of Kachoulia is "married," usually to a much older husband. • An Amnesty International report shows that the recent full ban on abortion in Nicaragua is causing women and girls to kill themselves, be deprived of treatment for cancer and AIDS and carry unwanted children to term — even their own half-siblings. The government and Catholic Church continues not to care. • According to a recent study released by the nonprofit Catalyst, 75% of women of color working in U.S. law firms are likely to leave their jobs within the next five years because of job dissatisfaction that results from the the unique barriers minority groups face. The Chicago Sun Times put it a slightly different way: "75% bail within 5 years due to barriers." • Crazy Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann thinks that Obama's health reform plans are just an effort to make us more like Cuba. Yes, Michelle Bachmann thinks: she doesn't do so with any insight or logic. • Crazy Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe's spokesman says "His focus is on issues" rather than the comments he made legitimizing the Obama birther nonsense. • White American Congressman Thaddeus McCotter wants to get Congress to make the President apologize to the white cop that arrested Henry Louis Gates inside his Harvard home. Earlier this year, Congress apologized for slavery 146 years after the Emancipation Proclamation. • A baby bit Al Franken and there's a picture. • Researchers from the University of Chicago and John Hopkins University found that divorce and widowhood have a lasting detrimental impact on health. This may be due in part to increased stress over shared child care, and the decreased income of a single-parent household. •

According to these press releases, women are supposed to believe all kinds of crazy things, like:


People will like you better if you serve fancy tap water! (Emphasis ours)

Looking for the ideal gift basket companion for the perfect hostess? [BRAND REDACTED] Water, intelligently-chic herbal infused water, has a unique bouquet of flavors with aromatic scents certain to tantalize the senses. The line offers an array of tastes sure to spruce up any party favor.
* Must-have drink mixer for "skinny" cocktails sure to impress party goers
* The culinary herbs accompany any dish in a flavorful harmony
* Flavor your ice-cubes with bursts of delight without the calories
* Brighten up your party favors with an enchanting color scheme of flavors

The jeans you have aren't good enough, because they don't contain cashmere!

I just wanted to tell you about the new [BRAND REDACTED] denim brand that would be great for a new posting about the perfect jeans for the summer. Made with a cashmere blend, these jeans are lightweight, incredibly soft and compliment every woman's figure.

Note: These jeans were priced between $188 and $204.

You need to know about our jeans, because a celebrity wore them!

Kate Beckinsale spotted leaving The Ivy restaurant in London wearing [BRAND REDACTED] skinny jean in Driftwood, a torn-up light wash jean. Anyone interested in a friendly fashion competition, Erin Lucas wore these same jeans from [REDACTED] in New York City in May with a very different style outfit!

Ladies love the outdoors… if you make it luxe! (Emphasis ours)

I would love to send a press kit to introduce you to [REDACTED] located just an hour north of [REDACTED]. We have just launched our unique B&B and event facility and I feel we have captured something very special for [REDACTED]. We lodge our guests in beautiful luxury tents from India. We call it "Glamping" where camping is glamorous and luxury in the wild means fine linens, full bathrooms and gourmet meals!

Lip gloss and body shimmer will change your life and help you please your man!

Nothing steams up a night quite like a seductress transformation. So be sure to bat those eyes and pucker up because this arsenal of beauty must-haves guarantees an earth-shattering night!

Your sex toys should be recycled!

My client [REDACTED] a retired gynecologist and an Israeli company are manufacturing eco friendly adult toys. The first product line of dildos are made from recyled materials so women can be good to the earth and themselves at the same time.

Eat cookies to get thin, just like the stars, who surely do not have personal trainers or chefs!

I thought this would make for a fun story idea, or a great "celeb item." Recently, two of the old and new 90210 stars, Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth were spotted at [NAME REDACTED] Diet Store in Beverly Hills. Shannen and Jennie reportedly were stocking up on their monthly supply of cookies telling people in the store that this is their go-to diet before they begin shoots, parties and especially because beach weather is finally here.

I guess being the "drama teacher" and "guidance councilor" led these two stars to pack on some pounds – which made them strive to get their bodies back to their original Beverly Hills 90210 glory days. If you are a local Beverly Hills resident then you can stop by [REDACTED] store to pick up your own supply of cookies where celebrities like Shannen, Jennie, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Kim & Khloe Kardashian, Ashlee & Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Hudson etc. have been spotted doing the same!

But wait! Stars are fat! Don't be fat like the stars!

Hi Dodai,
Hope you had a good weekend…[BRAND REDACTED] has announced "Biggest Gainers of 2008." While stars around them were cutting back, these five celebs packed on the pounds:
1. Joaquin Phoenix
2. Mariah Carey
3. Oprah Winfrey
4. Matthew Perry
5. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Joaquin Phoenix "walked the line" from gorgeous Golden Globe winner to Hollywood dropout deadbeat, clinging on to the coattails of his A-list friends. Now that he's sworn-off acting, he's sworn-on his refrigerator. Mariah Carey is no longer every man's "fantasy". As a married woman, the average weight gain is 6 pounds a year; soon she'll be crushing Nick Cannon! The Queen of Talk Shows, Oprah Winfrey might be known for her grandiose audience giveaways, but looks like she's keeping all the food for herself. Has Matthew Perry eaten one of his "Friends"? He's kicked some bad habits, but may be replacing the butts for burgers. Party of Five? Jennifer Love Hewitt looked like she was eating for more than one when she was caught by the paparazzi over the summer in her teeny weenie bikini.

Ugh, that one needs to be disemvoweled.

Earlier: The Worst Emails Of The Week
The Worst PR Pitches Of The Week

In addition to a shift in a culture that once — legal and otherwise — discouraged open discussions and displays of sex and sexuality, Yang and others see economic factors at play in Chinese women's desires to have their sexual needs met.

China's new prosperity is allowing people to think more about sex, Yang said, quoting a Chinese adage that translates as "Only once you have enough to eat and warm clothes to wear can you satisfy sexual desires".

Although it certainly essentializes those who live in poverty and ignores the fact that the poor and disenfranchised not only want but certainly seek and have good sex. The difference, however, is that they don't have (as much) money to spend to do so.

Yang's store is described like this:

While the vast majority of Beijing's sex shops are tiny cramped collections of cheap and low-quality Chinese-made goods, Yang pushes the envelop both on price and raciness with her mostly imported products.

In the front window stands a mannequin in a leather bondage bikini. Nearby, a 5,000-yuan (730-dollar) harness used for upright intercourse hangs suspended from the ceiling with accompanying stirrups. Other sex toys range in price from 200 yuan up to a princely 7,000 yuan.

Splattered red paint covers the floor like blood stains, while a loft upstairs features a bed on which sex paraphernalia is displayed.

I don't have $1,000 to spend on a sex toy, either!

Cultural observers in China are also quick to point out that society has changed at the same time that economic conditions have allowed people the money with which to explore more expensive options for sexual fulfillment.

While prostitution has made a conspicuous comeback in China from the puritan days of radical communist rule, open personal expressions of sexuality remain modest compared to the West.

But the atmosphere has loosened after 30 years of exposure to the outside world, said Li Yinhe, a well-known commentator on sexual issues.

Despite government efforts to rein in Web porn, the sexual frontiers are being pushed by a more adventurous generation of mostly urban young people, she said.

Ah, porn. That's certainly one answer to the question of whether porn inspires fantasies or is only responding to them.

There is, of course, probably a third (and even concurrent) explanation: that of the power of women in a society. As we've previously discussed, when women's educational levels and economic power increase in a society, their willingness to ask for and pursue sexual pleasure seems to increase concurrently. But, of course,education and economic power are indications of the level of autonomy and independence women are able to achieve in a society — and those bring more openness about women's sexuality and their pursuit of equal (or, in some cases, greater) access to sexual pleasure.

Sex Sells In New Chinese Cultural Revolution [The Times of India]

Earlier: Should Porn Industry Performers Start Sheathing Their Swords?
Is Cunnilingus Another Benefit To Increased Earning Power?

[Image via foxxyz]

• As part of an ongoing prostitution case, a Guatemalan woman testified today that she was smuggled into the U.S. and forced to live as a sex slave in Los Angeles. • The announcement of Candace Parker's pregnancy has led some to speculate on how her pregnancy will affect the future of the WNBA. • Female cheetahs, lacking a regular reproductive cycle, ovulate only after hearing the male cheetah's "stutter bark." Talk about sex on command! • An elderly couple died only 90 minutes apart in a hospital in Ohio. • In a recent interview, Hugh Hefner discusses his daughter, the girls next door, and "staying young." • Last September, a drunk Australian man approached several women on the street and stroked a latex vagina he was carrying around with him. What's up with Australians and their sex toys? • A new procedure may help to stop heavy menstrual bleeding for women approaching menopause. • What is it with dalmatians lately? A British woman is trying to sell her collection of 3,500 black-spotted items, which includes dalmatian-spotted toilet paper. • Experts are speculating that Americans may pick up a few "recession pounds" due to an increased desire to eat cheaply, and thus give up healthy foods, like fresh fruit and vegetables. • In 2006 the U.S. hit its highest birthrate in four decades. • A new study shows that couples who are more physically affectionate have higher doses of oxytocin, the "love hormone," which may help to lower stress. • A German university is now offering "flirting courses" for IT engineers where they can learn skills like mastering the flirtatious text and impressing people at parties. Do they not have Cosmo on the Continent? •

Image via

It's common knowledge that the iconic Mattel toy was based on a German sex doll, but according to the new book Toy Monster: The Big, Bad World of Mattel, that's not the only taint [Hee hee. -Ed.] in the material girl's past. If Barbie's always seemed suspiciously like a male fantasy, it might be because Jack Ryan, the designer who popularized her, was a "full-blown seventies-style swinger" with "a manic need for sexual gratification" from a parade of hired "Barbie clones," including the bombshell who gave Talking Barbie her voice. Says one friend,

"When Jack talked about creating Barbie . . . it was like listening to somebody talk about a sexual episode, almost like listening to a sexual pervert . . ."

Of course, Mattel founders Ruth and Elliot Handler were somewhat more wholesome; as pop culture known, Barbie and Ken were named for their two kids. The book says that young Ken "grew up embarrassed and humiliated by having an anatomically incorrect boy doll named after him . . . [with] no hint of genitalia." Ken, a closeted homosexual who went on to marry and have a family, died of AIDS in 1994; his sister Barbie seems to have borne up under the weight of being an international sex symbol, albeit reluctantly.

To those of us who loved Barbie, none of this will exactly come as a shock: part of Barbie's appeal was always the taint of the forbidden and adult, a grown-up femme fatale in a world of baby dolls. A child is never Barbie's mom; it's a different, less straightforward relationship. Feminists who've criticized the doll as an unrealistic example of femininity may feel vindicated by the knowledge that she was designed as a sex object by a man whose attitude towards women seems to have been less than, ahem, respectful. And yet, it can't be denied that kids love Barbie, in part because she gives them a certain power over a mini adult. (Or a reason to wreak havoc.) Freud would doubtless have a lot to say about the basic appeal of sexuality; as Ken Handler could probably have told him, a doll is never just a doll.

Sex Secrets Of Barbie And Ken [New York Post]

Earlier: It's Barbie, Bitch

But there are conservative Christians in the world who think that sex should be a mutually satisfying sexual experience every time for both partners. Joy Wilson, of Book22.com [NSFW] is one of those people. She runs a Christian marital aid shop that caters to conservative Christians looking to maximize the sexual pleasure in their marriage without porn or products that advocate "immoral" acts. And, a couple of decades ago, Tim and Beverly LeHaye encouraged Christian couples to see mutual orgasm as mutually beneficial (unlike Dennis Prager, who thinks that women's insistence on having one every time is responsible for the decline of the American family).

Here's the thing. Is it easy to mock from a secular perspective? Sure, as my choice of photo demonstrates. But the pro-sex (even if it is only pro-sex-in-marriage) Christians are doing the, um, Lord's work. They are, in effect, reframing feminist arguments about sex and women's sexuality and women's sexual pleasure in a language and a belief system in which a good part of this country fervently believes. They are encouraging people — within the context of marriage, which, okay, they're not going to talk about it pre-maritally — to view mutual sexual pleasure as not only an okay thing, or a good thing but as an important think and a required thing and even a gift from God.

And, not only are these Sex Crusaders encouraging men to think about sex in those terms, but they are encouraging women to open up about their sexuality to their husbands and with themselves and to be fully engaged, happy and comfortable with their sexuality. Is it so terrible for Christians to run around telling men that female orgasms are a gift from God that they should be helping their wives find? Hell, no. In fact, we need hundreds more of these men and women running around and shouting down Dennis Prager and Tucker Carlson and Ed Young every time they open their yaps and talk about submission and frigidity and male desire and the lack of female desire. If everyone was having more regular orgasms, don't you think the world would be a better place?

The Joy of Christian Sex Toys [NPR]
From the Crap Archives: The Beauty of Sexual Love [Village Voice]

Earlier: Which Flavor Of Ice Cream Would You Swap For Sex?
Tucker Carlson's Guide To Not Getting Divorced
Conservative Dennis Prager Knows It's Not Rape If His Wife "Submits"
Dennis Prager Still Thinks Women Should Just Give It Up Already

Image "David 4" via Zach_ManchesterUK

Given the assertion that all the Bunnies get to have to sleep with Hef and get their own sex toys, we figured there was no better place to start that the Bunnies from the 70s we determined seemed most likely to choke the life out of Hef with a sex toy.

The Suspects
Star Stowe, Miss February 1977
While Stowe, in her profile, claims that she admires Hugh Hefner and thinks a great date would be "creeping around old spooky places and getting the hell scared out of you," she admits that one of her turnoffs is "When guys come on too strong and get grabby." That can't have boded well for Hef. Her dream was to become "the most radical, bisexual rock star there ever could be... [with] that pirate butch attitude."

Debra Jo Fondren, Miss September 1977
Despite the obvious guilt-by-association that comes from having a using two first names, Fondren gets less scary when you learn that she's into "bareback riding" — but she prefers "gentle" men and hates "Pushy people, opinionated people, loud people, being rushed, being told what to do," so she doesn't exactly sound right for The Mansion. She does however admit to being a fan of "trap and skeet shooting," which indicates that if she were to off Hef, she probably wouldn't do it with a sex toy.

Ashley Cox, Miss December 1977
Ashley Cox is nominated because of the fact that her picture scared me a little: She looks decidedly unhappy and freaked out to be naked. Also, her name is Cox.

Christina Smith, Miss March 1978
Christina Smith doesn't look freaked as much as she looks sort of annoyed and possibly pissed off, which, for someone with the lofty ambition of modeling in TV commercials, seems sort of out of place. While her turnoffs included "husbands" — which probably impressed Hef — and "'high class' people" — which probably did the same — but who knows how she would have felt once she's bedded him and found out that he wasn't the "decent" man of whom she was dreaming.

Kathryn Morrison, Miss May 1978
If anyone of this crew looks more like she'd shove a sex toy down Hef's throat just to watch him die, it's definitely Kathryn Morrison. She's also not so keen on "Liars and people who think and act like they know everything," which you gotta think Hef isn't the world's most honest lover.

Dorothy Mays, Miss July 1979
With dreams of glory ranging from opening up a men's salon in Maryland to having her own farm, Dorothy Mays is a little bit all over the map, as her sexy-but-I-will-cut-you pose indicates. Her turnoffs include "Jealousy, materialistic people, poor organization," which described Hef to a T, so it's safe to say that didn't end well.

The Weapons
The criteria for this category included objects that can be inserted into the mouth far enough to block respiration if the nose is similarly plugged and could or would be used by women. Thus, we did not include monster dildos or male masturbatory aids. If you know of ways those could be used to choke people, please never tell us.

Ben Wa Balls
Definitely a choking hazard for toddlers, Hef additionally seems like the type of guy who would gladly lick them clean and, if one didn't keep hold of the string, there'd be trouble.

Butt Plug
Gross, I know, but I've seen enough anal-to-oral sex porn to know that some people get off on sucking dick that has only recently been removed from someone else's asshole. I guarantee Hef has tried this at least once and, given a little pressure and a wide enough plug, you could definitely choke someone with a butt plug.
Anal Beads
If you can shove them up your ass, you can shove them down someone's throat. Enough said.

Bullet Vibrator
Pretty much everything I said about Ben Wa balls, but with the addition of mechanical vibration which would have to hurt the back of your throat.

Jiggly Dildo
Plug someone's nose and face fuck them with this ("Oh, how do you like it, Hef? Huh? Can't talk, huh? Not so much fun, huh?") and you'll have a dead face-fuckee.

Ball Gag
It is designed to gag you. If it was just a little too small and fell off the harness, it could do some damage.

The Sites
Since Hef doesn't seem to fuck anywhere but his own place, it seems like he'd have to be killed there. The most likely locations were be: the Grotto, the Library, his bedroom, his bathroom, the Playmate's room, and the left wing of the game house (which reportedly consists entirely of a padded floor and a television)

The Verdict
Well, that's up to you! Was it Debra Jo in the grotto with a dildo? Ashley Cox in the library with the anal beads? Kathryn Morrison in the game house with the ben wa balls? Play your own game of Clue in the comments!

Barging into the House of Bunny! [Extra]

Related: Naked Ambition [Radar]
Star Stowe [Playboy]
Debra Jo Fondren [Playboy]
Ashley Cox [Playboy]
Christina Smith [Playboy]
Kathryn Morrison [Playboy]
Dorothy Mays [Playboy]
The Playboy Mansion [Wikipedia]

One of Cottle's colleagues saw an advertisement for it while watching Thelma and Louise on Lifetime (a reason he prefers to stay anonymous) and discovered that Trojan can't sell it in Alabama, Colorado, Georgia, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas, and Virginia. Well, "can't" might be a strong word (and more on that after the jump), but Cottle wonders if this is the reason for so much of the red state frustration on display at Palin rallies.

But, first, to the law. Following a 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruling this past February that struck down Texas' sex toys ban and, by extension, Mississippi's, Alabama is the only state remaining in which selling sex toys is illegal. Crusading Alabama legislator John W. Rogers is, however, trying to fix that with legislation but faces an uphill crime because people like Dan Ireland, the executive director of the Alabama Citizens' Action Program, says the ban is needed "to protect the public against themselves."

Trojan's list of states where it cannot sell the fingertip massager — including my current state of residence, Virginia — seems a little off to me. Consulting with a lawyer that prefers not to be named, it turns out that Virginia (and the other states) don't restrict the sale of these products but do require that they be kept out of sight of minors — which means off the shelves of your local pharmacy and next to the condoms where Trojan wants to display them. (Side note: one local grocery store in my area carries Trojan's Elexa vibrating cock ring in apparent violation of state law.) So, you can walk into your pharmacy and up to the condom section and freely peruse the condom selection, many of which contain explicit diagrams on the packaging of how to place a condom on a penis, but a tastefully packaged, miniature vibrator that bears no resemblance to a penis has to remain behind the counter or at a sex shop with the smutty videos. Nothing unequitable about that at all.

So This Is Why Red-Staters Are So Angry [The New Republic]

Related: Federal Appeals Court Overturns Texas Sex-Toy Ban [Fox News]
Fighting for Our Rights in Alabama [Wonkette]

ANA MARIE: Greetings from Milwaukee's FINEST hotel.

MEGAN: You're at a Marriott, aren't you.

ANA MARIE: But you know, I had to wait, like 90 minutes for my luggage last night. I didn't get a king size bed! There is no creamer in my in room coffee! WIRE COAT HANGERS!!!! Actually, we're at "The Pfister," which has led to many attempts at humor from the traveling press corps. Personal favorite? "Pfister? I hardly knew her." (Hi, Sasha!)

MEGAN: See, I prefer wire coat hangers to the kind that don't come off the rod, which it's just like: really? I'm going to steal a hanger? Fuck you.

ANA MARIE: Actually, the coat hangers are fine. And there's a robe. That was all a rather extended segue into Alex Balk's rather awesome rant about a certain campaign journalist's peak at "how the other half lives." That someone would — apparently unself-consciously — use the title of a book about the lives of the desperately poor to describe the life of a pampered campaign journalist is... gosh, the word "ironic" is overused, huh I admit: I have complained about such things as HAVING TO GET UP EARLY. Or WAITING IN LINE.

MEGAN: Not that I like mornings. Or other people in my way.

ANA MARIE: Totally! It sucks!

MEGAN: Or pretty much anything before coffee.

ANA MARIE: But you know what? I am staying in Milwaukee's finest hotel. And I'm not being sarcastic.

MEGAN: I used to work for a Milwaukee-based company. It's really not a bad town. It's way better than Lansing. Plus, you really can get cheese with pretty much everything you'll eat there.

ANA MARIE: But to anyone complaining in public and unironically about pretty much anything inconvenient about life on the trail gets one response from me: I bet they deliver the luggage right on time in Baghdad, asshole. Seriously: More journalists have died covering that illegal war than any other international conflict. So if you are unsatisfied with the food in the file center, I am sorry. And this is just staying in the realm of "other bad jobs IN JOURNALISM you could have." If we went in the direction of "thankful for having a job at all" I could get a little angrier. Oh, and I've just made a discovery! Outrage is as good a pick-me-up as coffee.

MEGAN: Yeah, asshole, come blog with me! My couch can totally fit two people and I guarantee you won't have trouble finding your bags because my apartment is small. Also, I mean, like, has that guy not traveled other than for work? My sister went on her honeymoon and the airlines lost her luggage for two days.

ANA MARIE: Oh, and did I say "other bad jobs in journalism"? I meant "other jobs you could have in journalism which is rapidly shrinking pool thanks to the ever growing trend of treating news as entertainment and otherwise not putting any money at all into actual investigative reporting but instead spending $50k a month to keep you on the trail covering Barack Obama from the confines of a slightly off-smelling CHARTER PLANE."

MEGAN: He should be thankful it's not a bus.

ANA MARIE: A bus that people the color of certain presidential candidates used to sit at the back of. I suppose we should move along. But if I see Dean Reynolds today, I will ask him if he slept well on the pillow top beds here at the Pfister.

MEGAN: Why, so we can state obvious things like McCain's mortgage buyout plan will cost taxpayers money? Let alone make the government the entity responsible for foreclosing on people?

ANA MARIE: Oh god. Well the good thing about McCain's plan is that it depends on him being elected president.

MEGAN: But he's that one with the stones to bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran which we're obviously going to need to do.

ANA MARIE: Well I was worried we'd look silly going bankrupt as a nation spending on only two wars. Three? That makes us look like at least we have a reason.

MEGAN: Well, if we actually gave a shit about nuclear proliferation we might have had 4, but since it's all about posturing and hating on those of the Islamic faith, we might keep it to 3.

ANA MARIE: (Side note: apparently outrage+hangover is a worse combination than coffee+hangover because I'm kind of nauseous!)

MEGAN: Not including Pakistan, of course, we would never attack Pakistan, what with its stable and Democratic government run by a kleptocrat with little intention of hurting his personal access to power and money by reining in Taliban and al Qaeda insurgents on the borders that are attacking American troops in Afghanistan. There, well, that's a time for diplomacy.

ANA MARIE: But Megan, they're all BROWN (ish)! Can't add NoKo to the list just based on that? Well, Pakistan is a failed state.

MEGAN: It totally was (not) when Musharraf, our Great Ally, took it over in a political coup.

ANA MARIE: I am too hungover to even roll my eyes.

MEGAN: Also, do you think anyone in our foreign policy establishment has looked around and gone, hmmm. Maybe the reason countries like Iran want nukes is because when countries like Pakistan get them —regardless of their politics or warlike nature — America starts teabagging their leaders?

ANA MARIE: (And drinks last night were, of course, bought on the tabs of various major news organizations. BUT THEY DID NOT HAVE BASIL HAYDEN AT THE BAR, so I'm pissed.) Or, you know, countries like Iran want nukes because we have them?

MEGAN: My hangover is brought to you courtesy of a $9 bottle of Greg Norman Syrah bought at the grocery store. My outrage is from 2 years of a foreign policy Masters program.

ANA MARIE: I love Greg Norman wines! I had some GN chard on Tuesday. At the PF Changs in Nashville. Where dinner was courtesy of a nice Secret Service agent. BUT THEN IT RAINED. FUCK YOU, UNIVERSE.

MEGAN: Well, it was after Labor Day, presumably you weren't wearing white.

ANA MARIE: I haven't worn white since my thighs grew to their current size.

MEGAN: Best headline to a boring story we'll get all day: "Todd Palin had unusual access to wife's staff."

ANA MARIE: His wife has a staff? I thought we only made transgender jokes about Hillary! Yay, progress!

MEGAN: Also, I guess we now know what kind of kicky sex she was with "Driller" who I think the Secret Service probably should have dubbed "Drillee" if this is true.

ANA MARIE: I'm just glad women in power no longer have to be kind of butch in order to have people suspect they have a penis.

MEGAN: Well, they are pretty easy to buy these days, except in Mississippi.

ANA MARIE: And Scalia is so pissed about that. I see Hannity re-upped with Fox. So, you know, the nation is safe. In the sense that Colbert will not be cancelled for the next whatevermany years.

MEGAN: I think Scalia is pissed at the proliferation of sex toys because he blames them for not getting any ass. When, really, even lacking a sex toy, I would not ever have fucked Scalia. I don't think I'm alone in this.

ANA MARIE: Okay, I have met Scalia and I found him charming. But I also — in my single days — was not a stranger to sex with guys that made me hate myself. (Thank you Chris for saving me from that!)

MEGAN: You know, I actually thought about it and there's not anyone I hate myself for fucking. But I am also really egotistical, so it might have just not made a dent.

ANA MARIE: I actually argued with Scalia about partial birth abortion. At a party.

MEGAN: And? Did he argue back?

ANA MARIE: He basically tolerated my and my friend's drunken ranting with good humor. When he probably could of had us arrested. Or killed. Quick side note: I was once telling this story the daughter of one of our major presidential nominees and she asked, "Who's Scalia?"

MEGAN: Ok, but, I mean, it's not really fair to ask Malia to know these things.

ANA MARIE: Hint: this daughter had skin that could not in any way be described as "dusky." To be fair, Malia was really articulate when she defended the Kelo decision.

MEGAN: Anyway, should we discuss the new Ayers ads?

ANA MARIE: Christ. Here's the thing — and I know you might/will definitely disagree — what's weird about the Ayers shit is that, of all the things you could use to draw Obama's judgment into question, the best you can come up with is Ayers? Serious? Because I honestly think the 20 years he spent in Jeremiah Wright's church is a more interesting question. I ultimately don't think it changes my mind about voting for the guy, but it's a more interesting question.

MEGAN: Well, I mean, I don't disagree with you that there are better rational things but I think the Ayers think allows McCain's campaign to repeat the word "terrorist" over and over again and you know people ain't thinking some white college professor dude.

ANA MARIE: Yeah. Tho I don't think McCain actually focus-grouped that. Then again, he didn't have to.

MEGAN: It's like a twofer. It's hard for people to articulate why it's racist and wrong and it engenders the responses you want.

ANA MARIE: And the really funny thing? I don't think anyone on the campaign actually put any thought into that strategy. It just sort of happened! Like casual racism everywhere.

MEGAN: I don't know, this is the team of political strategists that gave McCain a black baby 8 years ago. I don't think it's unintentional. Because, like you said, the Wright thing is more interesting and complex. And, God knows, McCain's got his own bad associates, so it's not like they're doing Ayers to avoid getting into Palin's religion either.

ANA MARIE: You're going to make me link to my article about how Steve Schmidt is not a "Rove protege" again, aren't you?

MEGAN: You can, but I wasn't necessarily talking about Steve Schmidt, either. The Bush 2000 team pre-dates Schmidt.

ANA MARIE: Interestingly, most of the Bush 2000 team is actually working for Palin.

MEGAN: Who is, naturally, the person out there hitting on Ayers the hardest.

ANA MARIE: Yes, that is suggestive. And not in a good way! (Unlike, say, the idea of Palin's "staff".)

MEGAN: It's just another wink and a nod from Bible Spice.

ANA MARIE: Can we use that metaphor from now on, instead of "dog whistle"? Which is insulting to dogs.

MEGAN: Yeah, it's really unfair to compare dogs to racists.

ANA MARIE: Someone last night caught me watching Top Model on the plane and (there is a connection here) I had to explain that after a long day of covering an increasingly ugly race, pretty much the only things that help me unwind are really bad reality television shows and pictures of adorable animals.

MEGAN: I watched Project Runway, but, in the end, I wish I'd just stuck to Rachel Maddow.

ANA MARIE: NO DO NOT TELL ME
SPOILER ALERT
::HANDS OVER EARS::
LALALALALALA

MEGAN: Ana, I hate to tell you, there is no Santa Claus.

ANA MARIE: I am bitter and cling to my belief in a gun-toting Easter Bunny.

I mean, why is it that the mental image I have of a guy who utilizes sex toys is someone kind of creepy? Is this fleshlight any stranger-looking than a rabbit, really? Why is it that I am fine with a guy jerking off with his hands, but if he's jerking off in something I'm vaguely disturbed? Why is it not remotely strange to me that men would buy things to shove up their butts — or to have their partners shove up their butts — but, still, looking at this picture of something the would stick their dicks in, some reptilian part of my brain goes "Ewww."? Even the author of the article, Tanya Gold, admits to masturbating with mechanical aids, but seems to find male sex toys — from the pocket pussies to the pussy-in-a-jar devices to the blow-up and real dolls — disturbing in their appearance and what they say about the men who utilize them.

So, is a pocket pussy sexist? Does it represent some sort of objectification of women in a way that a vibrator doesn't — or that masturbating generally doesn't? I have to admit, it isn't. I think part of my discomfort (or our discomfort) with the men who use such devices stems from a fear that the stereotype that men regard us as little more than convenient, comfortable orifices could actually be true for many of them. But I also know, from experience, that the stereotype isn't true for the kinds of men worth sleeping with, regardless of how they choose to masturbate — sex can be as intimate and connecting an experience for men as it is for women. For most men, jerking off in a plastic tube isn't going to be any more of a replacement for sex with a partner than masturbating is — and if your partner would rather masturbate than ever have sex with you, it's not the fault of the tube, but him.

Guys And Dolls: A Revealing Look At Men's Sex Toys [The Independent]