Dear Aretha & Susie:

This is probably a really stupid question, but here goes...

I've never bought a sex toy before, and was happy using my hands- they were doing a great job on their own. But a few nights ago, I wanted something to add to it all- and for some reason, dug out my hairbrush and used it. It is perfect for hitting my g-spot (the handle is curved and ribbed; ingenious, no?) I've hardly been able to stop since I discovered it.

However, now I'm worried. No one else uses my hairbrush, but what if they wanted to? Would I have to stop them and (not) tell them why? Can I catch anything from brushing my head with the same brush?

I'm kind of broke, which is why I haven't bought something specifically for the task yet. I feel like I should probably buy two brushes. Having said that, I work hard and have little time to myself- so I don't know that I can be bothered to go buy another hair brush.

Should I just keep the one brush super clean and have it as my little secret?

-Kate

Susie: The only thing that's even a tiny bit "stupid" about your question is that you NEGLECTED to tell us the make and model of your hair brush!

It's refreshing to hear someone find their own "sex toys" around the house or in the garden, instead of spending ridiculous amounts of money. When I first sold vibrators in 1980, we sold the basic battery model for... hold your breath… ninety-nine cents. I feel like Grandma Horse-and-Buggy.

You're in a long line of women who have found that their comb, toothbrush, shampoo bottle, and the edge of the washing machine can offer a gal a real good time.

Aretha: I didn't even realize until recently that it was so expensive to buy sex toys, because you always had these "samples" coming to the house in the mail and you'd stash them in your office. It was like a never-ending supply. Remember when I got my hands on one of your sample dildos, and cut it in half with a scissors?

Susie: Whaaat!

Aretha: It was the really pretty blue and white swirly one. I had to see what it looked like inside.

Susie: Wait - how long ago was this? You were like 8 or 9, right? Oh yeah, I remember - it was one of those silicon numbers that looked like a candy cane.

Aretha: I used it to play with my Barbies. It was the sex "totem pole" that all my Barbies succumbed to. The Barbies were my special hero agents that would fight the evil totem pole. It was about their height, so it was just right for a character in Barbie World.

Susie: Why was it evil?

Aretha: Umm, I think I knew I wasn't supposed to have it, so I made it a "bad character..."

Susie: How did you get busted? I can only remember the part where I held up the shreds in disbelief.

Aretha: I hadn't cleaned up my room or something, and you or Dad came in to nag me to put the Barbie Village away- and then you saw this cut-up dildo on the floor: "Oh my god!"

Susie: Kate, we thank you for bringing back these treasured memories!

Now back to the nitty-gritty of your question: The only criteria to judge an impromptu sex toy, is to make sure it's perfectly smooth, with no sharp edges or seams. Vaginally, it can be any shape you like, since your vag is a cul-de-sac. But if you ever want to use something for anal penetration, you need to make sure it has a flange (flared base). In that case, you hairbrush is fine for that, too.

If you want to use your "found dildo" more than once, just make sure it's washable, non-porous. If it would survive a spin in the dishwasher, it's a good candidate. Your hairbrush is probably hard plastic, which is ideal.

Where's all your apprehension coming from, after your fun? Honestly, how many times do people stomp into your bedroom and demand to use your hairbrush?

Aretha: Like never. Listen, Kate: If you don't want people to use your brush, JUST SAY NO. No one going to press you about it.

Susie: I can't imagine anyone putting you on the spot: "I bet you‘ve been masturbating with your comb and that's why you won't lend it to me!"

Dear Aretha & Susie:

Recently, I was ditched in a four-year sexually-awesome relationship. During our time together, the ex and I had mad hot, kinky, crazy times.

The problem? Now that I've been dumped, I've been freaking out about the fact that I'm still a "virgin." I don't know how much I buy this virginity nonsense, having enjoyed my sex plenty of times with partners and no penetration involved. But now that I'm alone and thinking I'm never going to meet another partner like him, I'm wondering what's going to happen to me.

Oh, and the main reason for my "virginity" and non-penetration so far? Yes, I'm scared (due to reoccurring rape dreams since I was eleven)- and it hurts. Like, a lot. I had a moment where I was so frustrated, that I tried to just DIY it with my cute little vibrator, and just... nothing. Even post-shower, tons of porn, and a good hour of stimulation.

Is it okay to be a "virgin" forever? Or do I need to just lose it, even if it hurts like crazy- so I can catch up and not be freaking myself out? CraigsList has not been the most helpful during this time.

-Like a Virgin

Susie: You're right, you're not a virgin if what that means is sexual experience. There are lots of women who don't have "intact hymens" who have not had nearly as much sex, or as pleasurable sex, as you have!

While you were with your old boyfriend, your sex pattern kept your mind off the real issue, which is, "Why does vaginal penetration hurt so much?" But now it's front and center. You have to get to the bottom of this, for your own sake.

Aretha: It sounds like you may have an particularly-thick hymen; not everybody's is the same. Tearing your hymen might hurt some, but what you're talking about seems a little extreme. No success after an hour of stimulation? You did all the right things, but something else is going on.

Susie: Forget Craig's List, it's time to see a gynecologist! I don't always parrot, "See a doctor, see a therapist" -but in this case, you need some experienced, sympathetic, pros. Have you had an OBGYN exam before?

The gyno would be able to see what's up with your hymen. You may also be dealing with vaginismus; it's not an unusual condition. It's when your PC muscle clenches, involuntarily, so tight, that any kind of penetration is impossible. It can get to be a vicious circle, because if you fear the pain, and then try to push past it- only to experience worse- you're going feel even more apprehension.

There's treatment that is very effective, called "systematic dilation" - a more gentle, gradual version of the masturbation you tried. But you need to get a visual of what's up with your hymen.

Aretha: Hold on - you've been having frightening rape dreams since you were eleven? It's hard to point the finger in these cases, but that is a pretty haunting memory. Do you have them nowadays - have you talked to anyone about them?

I know money is an issue for everyone now, but I definitely think you should see a therapist - your rape dreams might reveal more about why you feel so inhibited about penetration. You wrote us, so I know you don't want to be alone with this - that's the right instinct!

Earlier: "My Boyfriend Loves Oral Sex But Hates Pubic Hair"
"I Have A Tendency To Throw Up Every Time My Boyfriend Comes In My Mouth"

First there's the "Not Feeling Intimate" couple from a Psychology Today piece. The gist: A young couple. Both want a baby. They'd started fighting after work, though; and when she'd get in his face, he'd push her. They sought therapy, thinking they couldn't bring a child into a violent environment.

[The therapist] said there was something the husband could do, but it was difficult and she wasn't sure he could do it. "I can do it," the husband insisted.

"In the future, whenever she begins to go after you and wants to discuss money-whether at home, at a party, on the street-put your hand under her blouse or her skirt and fondle her."

"You're not going to do that!" said the woman. "Oh yes I am!" said the man.

Not only did the tactic successfully interrupt the pattern of angry confrontation, it transformed it into a playful and warm dynamic. Within a month, she was pregnant.

Yeah, that's right. The dude who'd previously pushed his wife was now given free reign to fondle her when she was angry.

Next: A man asks Pamela Stephenson Connolly, psychologist with a column in the Guardian, if he can persuade his wife to wax her pubes. He writes:

My wife occasionally has a bikini wax, but I would prefer her pubic hair to be neater than it often is, as I believe this is all part of good grooming. I would really like her to adopt a "landing strip" style which I find very sexy and arousing. She takes trouble over her hair and makeup, so why not in this area? How can I get her to go along with my wish? Or am I just being selfish?

I didn't study psychology or psychotherapy, but my answer to this man would be: "Yes. You are being selfish. Sure, bring it up. But understand, if she says no, that you are lucky someone is fucking you in the first place. If you love her, love her as she is. Leave the hot wax near the genitalia out of it. And stop watching so much porn." But that's just me. Here's what Connolly, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist suggested the man say to his wife: "I always enjoy making love with you, but I must confess that I am turned on the most when you have just waxed. Would you please consider doing that more often? And for me, the visual appeal of a 'landing strip' guarantees extra excitement - how about giving that a try? I promise you'll like what it does to me…" Wow. Well, the commenters on Guardian's site didn't like that one bit. "Flaneuse" fumed:

We're just going to gloss over the fact that he's asking her to do something REALLY EFFING PAINFUL for his sexual pleasure, are we?

I mean, sure, you can ask. And lots of women like the pain of getting waxed, or like the results enough to tolerate the pain. But it's pretty disingenuous not to mention that you're asking your sexual partner to do something that HURTS to please you, and compare it to doing your hair and make-up.

"Bauhaus" wrote:

Why do you want your wife to look like a pre-pubescent girl?

"Opinions" ranted:

Why do men think that their callous desires are important? Doesn't this man get that his tone and suggestions are from two centuries back? His wife should do with her body as she pleases, and he has no command over that! I would love to see a photo of this man and I would suggest his wife to demand from him nothing less than the body of a male model, like that of Garrett Neff? So start dieting, going to the gym, waxing your body hair (or getting some if bold)... How would he feel if the wife turns to him with all these suggestions because she finds those more sexy and arousing? Grow up.

But maybe the best came from someone called "nocommentnc":

As an older man I would give anything for regular sex - hairy or otherwise. The years fly by much quicker than you think, so make the most of what you've got and quit quibbling over details.

You're Driving Me Crazy! [Psychology Today]
Sexual Healing [Guardian]

Writes the anonymous person:

Is it true that a woman with a short hairstyle is subconsciously indicating that she does not want sex? My wife had a drastic haircut four days before our wedding and our sex life was a damp squib from the start. The erotic side of our marriage has died completely. My wife considers me childish and says that as all other elements of our relationship are fine, I should not want more than this.

First, a few questions: While the sexual and anthropological importance of hair is well-documented as an indicator of health, beauty and desirability; and while long, lustrous hair is equated with youth, femininity and wanton sexuality; and while short hair is sometimes perceived as either asexually androgynous or I-give-up mom style... really? Is he serious? Second: did they not have sex before their wedding? When did this "damp squib" start? Because if it was pre-wedding, then it seems highly circumstantial to blame the haircut (and maybe they should have addressed these issues beforehand); and if not, there's not much basis for comparison. Is he just looking to the haircut as a means of figuring out whether he can actually blame his wife for this? How long have they been married? Do they have kids? Has her hair grown out or has she continued to cut it? I think it also needs to be asked: was she happy with the haircut, or did it go horribly wrong and make her feel unattractive? Inquiring minds want to know.

The actual advice columnist doesn't seem to be bothered by this lack of information. She says,

Cutting one's hair does not necessarily point to an avoidance of sex, although deliberately reducing one's attractiveness in a spouse's eyes may well signal some desire to push them away. You sound angry and full of longing for a fulfilling sexual relationship - and that is understandable.

Wait, "not necessarily?" I get that advice columnists — especially of the respectable, clinical psychologist variety, probably try not to judge and there are so stupid questions, but this question was idiotic, conveying as it did a certain reductive lack of self-insight and, if you want to go all out, anachronistic homophobic undertones. Besides which, doesn't it seem unlikely that anyone would strive to make herself deliberately unattractive in anyone's eyes at her own wedding? Anyway, does she know he hates her haircut, or is this some weird passive-aggressive thing, where this guy prefers to write anonymously to a stranger and pretend his marriage's deep problems can be summed up by a few inches of keratins? Connolly suggests sitting down and talking — without judging — and find out what's really behind the sexual issues. Sure. But if he thinks the clues to his marital problems lie in a trip to the salon, maybe a set of extensions would be more to the point.

Sexual Healing [The Guardian]

[Image via Moviecritic.com]

I don't know about anyone else, but I find that I queef most often when I'm switching up positions a lot during sex, especially if I go from an extended period of doggy to missionary. Through experience gained, I can usually feel when it's gonna happen, and I try to do this a sort of scoot/twitch/hip switch thing to try and get the air out of there relatively inaudibly before the dude has a chance to dip his dick back in.

But sometimes there's nothing that can be done about it, and I can't get control of it, and it's unstoppable and seemingly goes on forever. And then when I think it's stopped, some more squeaks out. I know in my head that it's stupid to be embarrassed about it, but when you're fucking someone for the first time, and your vagina is performing a symphony, it's kinda hard to not cringe with your whole being.

One time it happened but the guy was a really good sport about it, so much so that he then pushed down on my abdomen, and more came out, and so on, until he laughed so hard that he farted. That was great, actually. I should get back in touch with him.

But yes, laughing is really the best way to deal. Because if you try to ignore it, it just gets weird. At least for me, and then I lose my concentration and I can't come. And you never want to let manners come in the way of your orgasm.

I have a lot of things happening with my sausage.

Why waste a penis? They're too damn pretty. I love them. It's a beautiful part of a man.

Her boobs are so annoying. That's why I named her Circus Tits.

On our girl Brandi M.:

Brandi always bragged about her blowjobs to keep herself around.

Twenty minutes at least.

But ultimately, all we and Rodeo really care about is her signature health sausage.

It's all-natural. My barbecue sauce is all-natural, too. I've been working on trying to better people's health, making them feel good.

Sex Advice from Rock of Love Girls [Nerve]

It may shock you to know that here at Jezebel we don't think of ourselves as sex educators. Or really, "educators." Or really anything besides mindless crap. But we're so flattered when you disagree! Here, from our mailbag, is a little story about a lady who was inspired to take Plan B after our Friday post announcing its over-the-counterness only like a year late. We're not sure what to tell her about her latest problem...

I was hungover and it was 7 a.m., so naturally, when he pulled it out and we noticed he was no longer, um, sheathed, my first inclination was to roll over and let the sleep gods gently ease it out of me. "You're not going back to sleep!" insisted my partner, who should not have even been capable of speech at that point, and commenced digging.

"I don't think it's in there," I said.

"Ok, where is it then?" he said. "Your vagina definitely ate it.

"Hahaha, 'snatch.'" I said. "OUCH."

I retreated to the bathroom to take care of it. I could not. It was like my innards were covered in balloons. OWWWWWWW. Then I had a stroke (heh) of genius: Lube! The partner went back to work, and within a few minutes the rubber had been retrieved.

"So I guess we should go get Plan B," I said. "Now that I know the FDA approves."

As we walked the crosswalk en route to the drug store, we heard a car smack. It sounded bad, but not that bad, until we watched, as if in slow motion, a grocery delivery van flip on its side and commence spewing organic food and gasoline. Approximately six feet away from us. The partner ran forward to pull out the driver, who wriggled out with almost miraculous ease, and then the partner pulled a water bottle from the pile of groceries and handed it to him. So quick and so brave, my fuck buddy! So fleeting and fragile, human life! I should have at that moment thought, "maybe I should save fifty bucks and let fate take its course..." I did not.

We walked into store. "Where do you keep the Plan B?" he asked the pharmacist. "We need it because we had sex." She referred us to the "Consultations" counter.

"We'd like to get some Plan B," he said cheerily to the pharmacist.

"How much do you want?"

"Um, just one."

"You said 'some.' I didn't know if you wanted to Plan B for the future!"

I interrupted, "I think we'll be using the withdrawal method from now on."

"You have ID?" the pharmacist asked.

"I'm 28 years old," I said. Of course I didn't have an ID. It was 8 in the morning and I had sex last night.

"I have ID," the partner interjected.

We went upstairs to buy cigarettes. "Date of birth?" the cashier asked.

"Oh no, we just bought Plan B!" She laughed. He grinned, as though he'd just knocked me up ON PURPOSE, and we kissed goodbye. I took the first pill, and twelve hours later, when I remembered I was supposed to take a second pill, I couldn't find it anywhere.

Maxim Online's resident sexpert Lindsay has received an interesting and pretty disturbing query from reader "Tra", who complains that "there are times during sex when, if I get it just right, I can feel something in my girlfriend sorta pop when I jam it all the way."

Although we're baffled that Lindsay didn't feel compelled to tell Tra that any sort of "pop" during sex is the exact opposite of "getting it right", she did explain that it may be due to his bumping up against a cervix or ovary [What?! -Ed.]. But seeing that the real victim in this sordid affair — Tra's girlfriend— is obviously getting the short end of the stick (so to speak!) in the situation, we went back to yesterday's video of penis-expert Alexyss Tylor for some advice.

All penises are not created equal. Every man may not know because he may not have a penis to really know how to hit that bottom or lift and hit that bottom and work that middle Don't let every man hit the bottom of your vagina, the root of your vagina...your body remembers it. That woman is being seduced, he's breaking her down man, he's screwing her into submission, he's screwing her into slavery, by using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down and her defenses, you're wide open with a penis up in your vagina man, you don't have no defenses."

Brilliant! This is like The Declaration of Independence, Gettysburg Address, Emancipation Proclamation, civil-rights movement and rough sex all rolled into one!

Easy Sex [MaximOnline]
Earlier: Advice To Consider: Don't Just Let 'Any' Man Hit The Root Of Your Vagina
Related: All Men Are Created Equal [Wikipedia]