15. Russian Glamour, June 2009
Beyoncé's skin looked digitally darkened on the cover of Russian Glamour — and the editors had a guide! A magazine called Joy used the same shot in December 2007. Was something lost in translation? Save your "black Russian" jokes until the end.

14. L'Oreal, August 2008
Beyoncé's skin seemed very light in ads for Feria haircolor. One theory: she was washed out by the strong lighting usually used in shooting hair.

13. Vogue, November 2009
The cast of Nine is chock-full of gorgeous women, but this shot is a mindscramble of random rays of sunlight in hair and dresses with edges so sharp they look like they're for paper dolls. As I wrote in October: "I'm guessing [Annie] Leibovitz shot them each separately and then did a composite, but when you have a person who doesn't cast a shadow on the lady next to her, then that person is a vampire." Poor Kate Hudson looks like she was slapped on as an afterthought.

12. Complex, April/May 2009
Kim Kardashian's waist was cinched, her thighs were slimmed, her skin skin smoothed out and her hairline was cleaned up. Plus, her head appears to be a different shape in the "after" image. Who would have thought a skull could be made "sexier"?

11. Self, September 2009
Kelly Clarkson's "Total Body Confidence" came from digitally slimming her waist and behind. Two Self editors explained that the cover: "is not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best."

10. King Arthur poster, 2004
Movie marketers felt they must, they must, they must increase the bust. Ironically, Keira Knightley told the Guardian that she lost her chest, doing archery and preparing for the role:

To fight, convincingly, shoulder to shoulder, she had to do that thing that is so de rigueur, which is totally to change your body shape. "I was about three times the size I am now. It worried me, but it was cool, it was a body that was doing what it should do. I haven't got a clue because I don't weigh myself, but it was all muscle and I was big. My neck disappeared. My chest flattened even more. It wasn't the most feminine thing in the world, but it worked for the part, because there was strength there, and it was needed."

Of course, Hollywood can't imagine a world in which people would see a movie starring an athletic, flat-chested woman. So a digital boob job followed.

9. Redbook, July 2007
The crazy thing about the Faith Hill Redbook cover is not that it was Photoshopped — it's that this is the standard amount of digital altering that goes into a cover. Unlike some true Photoshop disasters, there are no alarming mistakes here to tip you off. That makes it easy to accept the retouched image without even blinking. Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. But she needed 11 different kinds of alterations before she could be on the cover of Redbook. What a world.

8. Campari calendar, 2008
Jessica Alba: Just another woman whose real body wasn't good enough. In this case, her waist needed to be nipped in so she could shill liquor.

7. Vogue, May 2008
RoboGwyneth looks like a robot, or an alien, depending on whom you ask. One thing is for sure: Her head and neck are not in the same space-time continuum.

6. Redbook, June 2003
Jennifer Aniston's head was placed on to Jennifer Aniston's body — from another photo shoot. At the time, her publicist, Steven Huvane, said: "It's a combination of three pictures. If you're going to do it, then at least match her head up to her body, and make the neck look like it belongs to her. I still can't figure out which exact picture the face came from." A Redbook spokeswoman downplayed the changes: "The only things that were altered in the cover photo were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, very slightly, in order to reflect her current length."

The neck does look alarmingly unreal, and her head and waist are out of sync somehow. Angelina is surely to blame.

5.Redbook, July 2003
The month after the Aniston debacle, Redbook was at it again: According to USA Today, "[Julia's] head comes from a paparazzi shot taken at the 2002 People's Choice awards. Her body, meanwhile, is from the Notting Hill movie premiere [in 1999]." Julia's publicist, Marcy Engelman, said, at the time: "It's a shame they didn't use the body that went with the head, because it was a great Giorgio Armani pantsuit (that she wore to the People's Choice awards)."

4. Newsweek, March 2005
The editors used Martha's head and a model's body, because Ms. Stewart was still in jail when the issue was being put together. It wasn't supposed to be a photograph, anyway, it was art: "The piece that we commissioned was intended to show Martha as she would be, not necessarily as she is,'' Lynn Staley, assistant managing editor at Newsweek, told The New York Times. Staley acknowledged that the cover carried a disclaimer: ''In this case, we identified this piece as a photo illustration." As Martha would say, it's a "good thing" you did.

3. Seventeen, May 2003
Think about all the Buffy plots which could have been orchestrated around Sarah Michelle Gellar's weird wrist appendage over there on the left, if her arm actually looked like that.

2. GQ, February 2003.
Some people saw Titanic over and over again — but they never saw those legs, on the left. Kate Winslet was pissed about being trimmed down on this cover, saying:

"The retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don't desire to look like that. I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third. For my money it looks pretty good the way it was taken."

1. Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad, October 2009
In which model Filippa Hamilton was turned into a string of spaghetti.

Earlier: Did The Top Model Winner Get Shafted? (McKey's Photos)
You Wanna Be On Top (Whitney's Photos)
ANTM Winner Saleisha's Seventeen Cover And Spread

Complete with punny headlines ("New 'Do, New Dude!") and gushy testimonials ("Who knew that all it would take to turn him from Ronald McDonald to Dr. McDreamy would be a haircut and a nice button-down shirt?"), the Boyfriend Makeovers gallery has all the inspiration you'll need to mold your guy, Pygmalion-style, into the person you want him to be.

As Sadie pointed out last year, guys can be less sensitive about their style, and thus more amenable to advice. But "by making a guy into someone who looks like the kind of person you should be dating, you've somehow glossed over the realities of tastes, personality, even values." Do we really want to be encouraging thirteen-year-olds (who, let's be honest, are the market for Seventeen) to be the arbiters of their boyfriends' mode of dress? If girls start dressing you when you're a teenager, how are you ever going to have your own style? And more disturbingly, aren't you going to grow up thinking women are the kind of meddling shrews we see on TV commercials? Girls, let your boyfriends keep their clown hair! It will make both of you better people in the long run.

Boyfriend Makeovers [Seventeen]

Brooke (her last name doesn't appear in the article) and a female friend took a naked picture of themselves after a shower. The girls say they didn't send the photo to anyone, but soon it ended up making the rounds at school. Brooke's boyfriend was mad, not because someone tried to embarrass her, because "everyone knew what his girlfriend looked like naked." The creepiest part: someone sent the principal an unmarked envelope with the photo in it, and the principal reacted by booting Brooke off the cheerleading team for being "a bad representative of the school and squad."

Basically, Brooke was punished because someone else chose to send a naked picture of her to an authority figure. That person, who presumably wanted to humiliate her, was rewarded. Sure, keeping naked pictures on your cell phone is dumb — and the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports that Brooke did this once before — but is it wrong? Even if you're a teen, taking pictures of yourself for your own (or your partner's) enjoyment isn't a moral failing, it's just unwise. Brooke doesn't deserve any more punishment than the humiliation she got at school — and she didn't even deserve that.

Even more disturbingly, some teens have been charged with disseminating child pornography for "sexting" nude pics of themselves to their boyfriends. According to Dalia Lithwick in the new Newsweek, three girls in Pennsylvania were brought up on child porn charges for "sexting" their boyfriends, and girls in Ohio and Michigan were charged with felonies for similar "crimes." Lithwick says one in five teens has taken or posted naked pictures of him or herself. She continues:

A recent New York Times article [link added] quotes the Family Violence Prevention Fund, a nonprofit domestic-violence-awareness group, saying that the sending of nude pictures, even if done voluntarily, constitutes "digital dating violence." But do we truly believe that one in five teens is participating in an act of violence? Experts insist the sexting trend hurts teen girls more than boys, fretting that they feel "pressured" to take and send naked photos. Paradoxically, the girls in the Pennsylvania case were charged with "manufacturing, disseminating or possessing child pornography" while the boys were merely charged with possession. If the girls are the real victims, why are we treating them more harshly than the boys?

Some girls may truly feel pressured to participate in sexting, and in some cases a teen's desire to send nude pictures of herself could be an indicator of bigger problems, like abuse. But if that's the case, sexters need help, not prosecution. And in some cases, all a teen may need is a talking-to about the dangers of digital media and the potential consequences of his/her choices. Whether or not sexting is an indication of deeper problems, we agree with Lithwick: "Child-pornography laws intended to protect children should not be used to prosecute and then label children as sex offenders."

Cheerleaders' Parents Sue In Nude Photos Incident [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]
Seventeen [Official Site]
Teaching Teenagers About Harassment [NY Times]
Teens, Nude Photos And the Law [Newsweek]

You'll notice that McKey's back cover encourages readers to flip the mag over and see Pink; Pink's front cover does no such thing for McKey.

As for the inside:

McKey is psyched just to be in front of the camera!

Here, she does her best Blue Steel.

This one is either Ferrari or Le Tigre.

Gah! Begone, acid washed jeans!

Ta-dah! Magnum.

• Despite mourning her family tragedy, Jennifer Hudson is in the Gap's holiday ad campaign, wearing a bright red sweater and smiling. Gap gave J.Hud the option to back out, but she wanted to go ahead and have the ads run. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Jennifer Hudson writes on her MySpace blog: "I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Thank You All." [People]
• Beyoncé is on the cover of Seventeen and she certainly appears to have her wits about her. She says she would never get married before the age of 25. "I feel like you have to get to know yourself, know what you want, spend some time by yourself, and be proud of who you are before you can share that with someone else." Plus! She's super critical of herself: "I have my YouTube days, when I watch every performance," she says. "I listen to my music, and I watch my videos to figure out what I need to do, what I need to fix, and how to become a better singer." [People]
• Kate Winslet on her Vanity Fair pix: "The whole shoot was about doing the character. I feel like I was playing the part and not me — it doesn't feel like me. It took six hours to set up the lighting and the hair and make-up, because I obviously don't look like that all the time." [Daily Mail]
• The brother of the American Idol reject who killed herself outside the star's L.A. home is blaming Abdul for crushing his sister's dreams. "[Abdul] didn't speak up for her. She let everyone take her down," Charles McIntyre says. [NY Post]

• Madonna to Gwyneth Paltrow: Shut up! Her Magdesty is sick of Gwynnie saying she's "helping Madonna through her divorce." Madge allegedly told G: "If you want to help me and be supportive of me, then keep your mouth SHUT! Say nothing about me or my divorce." [National Enquirer]
• Madonna needs your help: She's building a school for girls in Malawi. [ET]
• It's official: The Obamas are the new Brangelina. [Politico]
• Barbara Walters did something right in letting Whoopi, Joy, Sherri and Elisabeth quarrel: The View is now the most watched show in daytime, after 12 years on the air. [Variety]
• The "report" about Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson getting married is "not true," according to LL's rep. [MSNBC]
• And here's a story about Sam getting pissed at Lindsay for flirting with some guy in Vegas. "Lindsay says she loves Sam more than anything but she just can't help that she is attracted to the opposite sex," says a spy. [The Sun]
• Oh, and Lindsay and Sam have a bulldog named Cadillac, who is "like their child." [Daily Express]
• Hmm, who's on the list of "Hollywood's Most Overexposed Celebrities"? Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Pamela Anderson, for starters. [Forbes]
• Daniel Craig made a flick called Flashbacks of a Fool which opened October 17, played in two theaters and is already on DVD. It made barely any money, but he's NAKED in it, hello. But Bond's getting all the attention. PS: Bond opens today! [Fox 411]
• Amy Winehouse spotted "on a rampage" and holding a bottle of vodka. Business as usual. [Daily Mail]
• Yikes! Naomi Campbell, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon were on the same British Airways flight. Are there planes big enough for all that ego? [Page Six]
• There was a rumor that Blake Lively would be on the cover of Vogue, but it turned out she was on the cover of W instead; now comes word that she will indeed land the cover of the February issue of Vogue. Plus! Michelle Obama for the March issue?? [Fashionista]
• Beyoncé denies that she's the one who leaked a new track written for her by Justin Timberlake. There's audio of JT performing the song online. [Mirror]
• Elton John on Prop 8: "What is wrong with Proposition 8 is that they went for marriage. Marriage is going to put a lot of people off, the word marriage. I don't want to be married. I'm very happy with a civil partnership. If gay people want to get married, or get together, they should have a civil partnership. The word 'marriage,' I think, puts a lot of people off. You get the same equal rights that we do when we have a civil partnership. Heterosexual people get married. We can have civil partnerships."
  [USA Today]
• Rachel Zoe and Nicole Richie: Totally seen talking! Do they no longer hate each other? [Page Six, Perez Hilton]
• Critics aren't sure if Britney Spears will actually be able to make a comeback. One music editor says: "Are they coming to see you because they think a train wreck is about to happen, or because they really like your music?" [Reuters]
• Hilary Duff is coming to NBC in a new, as yet to be determined show. Anyone ever see Material Girls? [Variety]
• Ed Norton plays twins in a comedic thriller; check out this picture of him talking to himself. [EW]
• 90210 spoiler alert: Highlight the hidden text if you want to know: Brenda's gonna die. [Perez Hilton]
• You guys: Russell Brand's flying his girlfriend to New York, because he misses her. Sigh. [The Sun]
• Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Off-camera catfights! Threatening voicemails! Drama! [TMZ]
• Hugh Jackman is a wounded soul, you guys. His mother deserted him and his four older siblings when he was a kid. "I do remember having terrible feelings, mainly of feeling really abnormal," he says. "Divorce wasn't common then and it was uncommon for the mother to leave, and I had a real feeling of embarrassment." [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Australia had better be a blockbuster: Hugh Jackman just bought a £14.2 million New York apartment. [Daily Express]
• That commercial Catherine Zeta-Jones was filming in Prague? It's for shampoo. [The Sun]
• Meryl Streep: Starring in LibertyLibrary Cat, a movie about a stray kitty's impact on a town in Iowa. Yeah, a cat. Destined to be awesome? Or awesomely bad? [EW]
• This is an article in praise of Julianne Moore: "Where would we be without her?" [Guardian]
• Eminem's album is being delayed because he's being "obsessive." [The Sun]
• Taylor Swift says she knew about Joe Jonas dating Camilla Belle: "They've been together since we broke up. That's why we broke up — because he met her." Ouch. [Perez Hilton]
• Joe Jonas says: "I never cheated on a girlfriend. Maybe there were reasons for a breakup. Maybe the heart moved on." Teen angst! [Yahoo News, People]
• Watch this: Yunjin Kim and Daniel Dae Kim on a beachy set, discussing their characters on Lost! [EW]
• Whoopi Goldberg will produce — but not star — in a London stage version of Sister Act. It's sort of a remake, with changes to update the story. [Yahoo News]
• Miley Cyrus's boyfriend still claims to be "just a family friend." Sure, sure. [Perez Hilton]
• Ben Stiller's daughter Ella has playdates with Suri Cruise. Ben's wife, Christine Taylor says: "It's like any other play date. I mean [Suri's] amazing and [Tom and Katie] are terrific. And when little kids get together you just let them do their thing, there's no outside elements. Ella likes being the older sister—and we haven't had many [play-dates] but whoever's children that they're playing with, it's always a great thing to see your kids connecting." [NY Observer]
• The CIA gives "advice" to many Hollywood films, and this story claims "no one is truly sure about the extent of its shadowy involvement." Dun dun dun! [Guardian]
• CSI fans are not happy about William Peterson leaving the show. 37% said they would not watch once Petersen, who plays night shift supervisor Gil Grissom, leaves midway through the season. He's being replaced by Laurence Fishburne. [Reuters]
• Linda Hogan says Hulk Hogan purposely handed over the rights to his Hulk Hogan brands to his best friend Eric Bischoff so she can't get any cash from the profits. Messy stuff. [TMZ]
• Sad face: Benicio del Toro's dad is super sick. BDT flew to Puerto Rico to be with him. [Rush & Molloy]
• A woman who claims Shaquille O'Neal stalked and threatened her has withdrawn her request for a restraining order. Change of heart? Secret settlement? [TMZ]
• Jodi Sweetin, aka Stephanie from Full House, just signed a six-figure deal to publish her addiction memoir. Did playing second banana to the Olsen twins drive her to drugs? [NY Observer]
• Speaking of book deals, Sarah Silverman is writing something and there's a bidding war going on. [Observer]
• Last season it was a tornado; the year before it was a "supermarket standoff" — this year, the Desperate Housewives stunt is a ravaging fire. [Yahoo News]
• Ryan O'Neal and his son have delayed entering pleas in their felony drug cases until after the new year. Attorneys asked the judge for more time to review evidence. [Yahoo News]
• Terrence Howard's mom died in September and he's trying to get back on track.
  "I know that I have been quiet but I had a lot going on," he wrote on his MySpace blog. "But I am slowly pulling it together." [People]
• Whoa: Annie Lennox has two teenage daughters? They went to the preview of the Comme Des Garcons collection for H&M. They's so pretty! [Daily Express]
• Porn legend Heather Hunter convinced a judge to toss out a plagiarism suit; another writer claimed Hunter's novel is a ripoff. The girl's-quest-for-stardom-leads-her-to-porn plot is maybe not that unusual. [NY Daily News]
• Why are people tracking down Elvis's 71-year-old ex-girlfriend? [Guardian]
• The Beatles' former road manager, Tony Bramwell, says: "I have no axe to grind against Yoko. I wanted to let Beatles fans know the real stories about what it was like when Yoko came into John’s life and the problems she caused for the Beatles, their fans, and the staff at Apple." [Daily Express]
• What recession? Lars Ulrich paid $14 million for sold a Jean Michel Basquiat painting yesterday. [Yahoo News]
• Got a tens of thousands of dollars to spend? Photographs of Angelina Jolie, Kate Moss and Britney Spears are up for auction at Christie's. [Telegraph]
• "Money is certainly going to dry up for a lot of people on a lot of fronts, especially in the giving area. But I believe art can survive, it's like grass growing through a crack in the sidewalk. No matter what the economic conditions, art will always survive. I'm hopeful that the more art gets realized as an important factor in the world we live in, more and more people will donate some money and maybe, more importantly, time to the quest." — Robert Redford. [Reuters]
• "I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice. It's me settling into that position of just really accepting that it's one thing to say you want to do it and it's another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan." — ever-humble Kanye West. [USA Today]
• "I'll watch anything with Helen Mirren in it. Especially when she was young. I mean, come on! I love Helen. I watch The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover at least four times a year." - -Samuel L. Jackson. [Daily Express]
• "You could say that being yelled at by Janis Joplin was one of the great honors of my life. […] Janis didn't dress like anyone else, and she definitely didn't sing like anyone else. Janis put herself out there completely, and her voice was not only strong and soulful, it was painfully and beautifully real." — Stevie Nicks. [Rolling Stone]
• "The baby comes wherever I go, and I just like looking at her, watching her breathe. I stand over her crib and watch her breathe. It's pathetic. My mum says I'm over-bonded. I don't care. I'm just very bonded right now." — Nicole Kidman. [USA Today]
• "All of the critics who gave me one star less than full marks should eat shit and die. It’s like your mother knitting you a sweater and you telling her it was only worth seven out of ten. Music is a gift — it shouldn’t get a rating." — Kanye West. [The Sun]
• "I guess I’m lucky. Genetically, I’m like my mum and she looked great right up until her death in 1989. But I think the real secret is that I am very, very happy. I have a wonderful new husband and we’re very compatible. I’m having the best time and I’m in a great place emotionally." — Olivia Newton-John, on why she looks so good. [Mirror]
• "I was inspired to become a citizen of the U.S. by Barack Obama and his vision of the future. Although I missed being able to vote for him on Tuesday, being sworn in as a citizen knowing he is the next president made me so proud. I am now an American. If McCain and [Sarah] Palin had won, I may have stayed in bed." — Alan Cumming, who became an American last week. [Page Six]
• "I'm just going through balancing [living without my mom]. And I always used to have that support system, you know. My mom would be there; no matter what, she was there before everything. We were together for like 30 years. And you know now when I'm on that stage and I look out and I say, 'What am I going to do with the rest of my life?' Like when does a real life start?' Because I have sacrificed real life to be a celebrity and to give this art to people, which is great. It is great that I was able to do that, I'm not trying to shun that in any way, but it's definitely a Catch-22 and it's bittersweet." — Kanye West. [USA Today]

The WaPo is reporting that, as Governor of Alaska, Palin slashed funding for a program that benefited teen moms.According to the WaPo, "Palin reduced funding for Covenant House Alaska by more than 20 percent, cutting funds from $5 million to $3.9 million. Covenant House is a mix of programs and shelters for troubled youths, including Passage House, which is a transitional home for teenage mothers…[where, according to Passage House's website] 'young mothers a place to live with their babies for up to eighteen months while they gain the necessary skills and resources to change their lives.'"

And since we're all on board with not prying into the circumstance of Bristol as an individual, let's take a look at the fate that lies ahead for most other teen mothers, shall we? Linda Hirshman, writing on Slate's XX Factor blog, runs through what the average American teen mom experiences, and honestly, it's bleak. "Even controlling for social and economic backgrounds, only 40 percent of teenage girls who bear children before age 18 go on to graduate from high school, compared with the 75 percent of teens who do not give birth until ages 20 or 21" Hirshman notes. "Overall, teenage mothers—and their children—are also far more likely to live in poverty than females who don't give birth until after age 20. Two-thirds of the families begun by a young unmarried mother are poor. These families are more likely to be on welfare and to require publicly provided health care." And we know what Palin thinks about publicly provided health care: She thinks it shouldn't exist!

Even Seventeen editor Ann Shoket has something to say about Bristol's pregnancy and what it means for the American teen. "No matter how you feel about her politics, Sarah Palin is a shining example of the potential and power of women," Shoket notes in the Huffington Post today. "And in one hot moment with her boyfriend, her daughter gave away her power to make the decisions about how she wanted her future to play out."

Pretty harsh words coming from the editor of a usually soft and fluffy teen mag. And here's the thing. Individually, Bristol Palin will be fine. But despite what her mother's campaign would have you believe, the Palins are not regular folk. They are a gubernatorial family with the resources and the connections to help support a teen pregnancy. Obviously, a teen pregnancy is not the end of the world, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. However, it is something that should be prevented as much as possible, and considering Palin's stance on abortion, it seems she's only concerned about the individual pregnancy of her daughter and not the pregnancies of our nation's daughters. Linda Hirshman says it better than I can: "For the millions of women each year who do not want to make that choice, and for the parents who do not want that fate for their daughters, the cruelty of the Republican position on abortion rights is now graphically laid bare."

UPDATE: Despite some Republicans' request for privacy with regards to Bristol, the Atlantic's Ta-Nehisi Coates points out that many conservatives are already using this unborn child like "a political football." Coates quotes the following passage from the WSJ to illustrate his point: "Gov. Palin and her husband 'have embraced the grandchild about to be born,' Gary Bauer, a social conservative activist and onetime presidential candidate, told the Texas delegation. 'They already are teaching America a lesson about the sanctity of life,' he added, as the delegates jumped to their feet in applause.'"

The Candidate's Daughter Could Use Our Sympathy And A Lot More Privacy [Washington Post]
Palin Slashed Funding for Teen Moms [Washington Post]
Do As We Do [Slate]
What Was Bristol's Plan A? [Huffington Post]
And Now Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Program [The Atlantic]

Related: The Numbers on Teen Pregnancy [Freakonomcs/NYT]

• Sadie defended fashion from hateful Wintourish anti-heroes.
• We told Seventeen's constructive criticism and eyeshadow advice to suck it.
• Women's magazines "saved" Cathy Alter's life.
• But not ours.
• Dodai revealed her secret passion for juniors fashion..

• Tracie slayed the "emotional conquistador."
• Lamb cums all over Gwen Stefani's face!
• We were fondly embarrassed by our fathers.
• It's thankfully, oh so thankfully Friday! So enjoy your Cocktails n' Dreams and have a fantastic weekend

This letter from Editor-in-Chief Ann Shoket sets the tone for the entire issue (bold-facing hers):

Hi! I have a weird Q for you: If your outfit could talk, what would it say about you? Think about it for a sec. We put so much importance on first impressions. And when you're going back to school, meeting new teachers, checking out cute guys, and seeing your friends again after a long summer, it's especially important - you're making impressions on about 150 people a second. Sure, your energy and vibe go a long way toward telling people who you are and what you're about, but your clothes and makeup are an important part of the package. That's why I'm practically obsessed with helping you get your look just right for the first day of school. So when your fourth-period history teacher sees you in class, or when your secret crush (who, BTW, got the best muscles over the summer) asks where the music room is, you'll be saying all the right things - before you even say a word! How's that for an awesome payoff from a day of shopping?

What impression do you want to make this year?
Tell me everything at ann@seventeen.com
XOXO
-A

I’m never going “back-to-school” again, and yet for some reason I’m now anxious about September. Thanks Ann!

The beauty section explains how to “tell everyone about yourself” by “picking the look that makes the right statement about you.” So, if I wear a subtle shadow with purple liner, will that tell the world “I’m serious about school” but “I don’t take myself too seriously?”
This two-page fold out chart shows how size measurements vary for different styles of jeans. Maybe I’m just feeling vulnerable after measuring my waist to 1/8 of an inch, but I think the real message in the size 15/16 row may be “Sorry! They don’t come in this size, fatty!”
In case you’re a little too flabby for those “perfect fit” jeans, the magazine's health section includes a “get your best butt” exercise plan. It also advises that you shouldn’t eat chicken Caesar salad because the dressing is fattening, but that apple rice cakes “are almost like mini apple pies.” But watch out, because exercising too much or counting calories obsessively could be a sign that your “feelings are bad for your body.” And yet, if we don’t watch ourselves everyone may “see the emotional weight we’re carrying right there on our stomachs, hips or thighs.” I guess everything about me really is wrong!
Maybe it’s not just me – there’s probably something wrong with my friends too. I’d never considered the possibility that boys don’t like me because my friends are annoying!
But think twice about ditching your friends for a guy. In “Sex Lies He Tells you,” we learn that “sometimes he’ll say anything to keep going.”

I remember there being a few non-heinous aspects of being a teenage girl, but after reading Seventeen (motto: "It's fun to be seventeen") I've realized it’s just seven years of public humiliation and ridicule. I wish that when I was growing up I had more positive role models to guide me through these difficult years — like the girls from The Hills! Who better to look to for cues on self-respect and supporting other women than Lauren Conrad?

Teen Vogue: Teen Vogue's website doesn't seem to have any sex coverage at all. Its drop-down menu on the homepage has five sections: Style, Industry Insider, Beauty, Team Vogue and Connect. And although there are no articles about sex or question-and-answer style features, there is a fair amount of sex talk on the largely unregulated Message Boards. Sample thread starter: "I haven't had sex in over two weeks. its starting to wear on me but my boyfriend is out of town and i don't want to cheat on him because i've already done that too much. I guess i just have to stay strong but its hard. TIPS?!?!?!"
Cosmo Girl!: Ah, Cosmo Girl. The website's "Sex" section is part of a drop down menu titled "Guys" (also available under the heading "Life Advice") where the magazine has a panel of reasonable experts answering questions like "Can you get pregnant if a guy fingers you with sperm on his hand?" They don't talk down to the girls, and seem to be giving straight talk. Alongside the prudent advice is a lot of boy craziness including recurring features like "Hook A Hottie", "Guy Videos", "Eye Candy", "Guide To Guys" — the list goes on.
Elle Girl: The sex coverage on Elle Girl is also pretty minimal. The brunt of it is articles like How to Deal ...With a Guy Who's Just After a Hookup and quizzes such as Are you a bad girlfriend?. None of these are particularly informative or sex-positive.
Seventeen: The bottom line of Seventeen's sex stories is always, "don't get knocked up". There's an entire section devoted to "preventing pregnancy." While the idea of sex for pleasure's sake is definitely not the backbone of Seventeen's health section, they do an admirable job in answering the tough questions, like the age-old query, "Can I Get Pregnant From Having Sex in Water?"
YM : Back in the early-mid-90s when I was a burgeoning teen, YM was the repository for the raciest sex stories. The magazine was never huge on serious content or real advice, though. It's a bit tamer than I remember — where are all the blow job questions? — but the "Say Anything" section still provides the same level of teen mortification it always did.

Magazine Readers Want Sex [Daily Telegraph]

Seventeen

Appearance: Hayden's makeup is fresh, light, and appropriate for impressionable young kiddies: Light pink lips, just a hint of color on the cheeks. There is no visible cleavage, and, for the most part, her hair covers up her bare arms and armpits. Cover Lines: Talk about chaste! There's "cute" jewelry, "pretty" hair secrets and no mention of sex, save for "sexy [hair] cuts" and "The Kissing Disease No One Wants To Talk About!". And as for clothes, there's both a "free" tank top and hot celeb trends ("Under $20"). Cover Profile: Hayden expresses her love for Angelina Jolie, BFF Hilary Duff, explains her breakup with Laguna Beach's Stephen Colletti, talks about her love of shoes and gives advice on breakups. (Males, by the way, are referred to on the cover as "guys".)

Seventeen Prom

Appearance: Hayden shows more skin than on the magazine's namesake, including cleavage. Plus, there's a bit of cleavage, the Cosmo standard hand-on-hip, and a princess-y tiara set into her crispier-looking hair. Cover Lines: Not a lot of "sexy", but plenty of "amazing" "perfect" "pretty" and "best", as well as the chance to win a "free dress". As for guys, there is no mention of boys whatsoever, although their presence is implicit ("Sexy Shoes", "Your Best Prom Body (In Just Two Moves)"). Cover Profile: Written by the same author as the Seventeen profile, this story presents Hayden as just another prom-crazy secondary-schooler, explaining that her "biggest big night" was her prom, that she worries about who she should take to events as her date (um, we can think of one!), that her perfect prom date would be a "best girlfriend", and her own prom disaster story (a strap on her dress broke).

Cosmopolitan

Appearance: Standing before a va-va-va-voom red background, Hayden is shown with a lot more skin: visible cleavage, thigh and armpit. Lip and cheek colors are darker (does her slightly-larger parting of the lips indicate that she's been practicing the magazine's "Little Mouth Moves That Make Sex Hotter"?) Cover Lines: Where to start? This is definitely the slut's style guide. There's the aforementioned "Mouth Moves" — Question: Do "Mouth Moves" lend themselves to "Kissing Disease"? — the highly touted "Be A Sex Genius!", and all sorts of other suggestive words and phrases. Males are referred to as "men" as well as "guys", and there's no free tank tops here; readers can enter to win $10,000 and become "A Rich Bitch!". Cover Profile: Hayden, say Cosmo editors, is a "good bad girl" who wears sexy thigh-high boots to her interview, admits to drinking alcohol, and explains that every girl "likes feeling hot and sexy and beautiful and hearing it", does not want to be called "cute", and is "not as sweet as I look." Her heroines? Angelina, Natalie Portman and Meryl Streep. Also: There's no dishing on guys (like any seasoned, "serious", adult actress, she refuses talk about her personal life).

*Apparently, Seventeen and Cosmo have been trading female celebrity cover subjects for some time: Hayden, Rihanna, Ashlee Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Hilary Duff, Beyonce. What tends to be happen is that a starlet appears on Seventeen first, then on Cosmo a few months afterwards. How quickly these young ladies go from Swarovski-encrusted Sidekicks to Rabbit Habits!

Saleisha Covers Seventeen Magazine [Concrete Loop]

Over at Men's Health, however, the dudes are covering up. In 2004, half the covers featured shirtless guys; in 2007 there was only one bare-chested man. For Allure, it's all about the best tressed. "Not only abundant hair, but the blowing hair is good for us," says editor Linda Wells. "The worst thing we can do is a really tight, pulled-back style or a hat." And over at Seventeen, some kind of flair is like, totally what a girl wants: "Every cover has to have the doodad," says editor Ann Shoket. "That is, a piece of jewelry... or something that catches your eye." But the person — or personality — on the cover is a big deal as well. Kate White says Cosmo's perfect model is "Someone that you'd love to drive cross country with, you're not going to end up arrested with and with whom you're not going to get bored." Hmm, makes sense that Ms. Lohan was a choice. And Ms. White finds a great cover uh, satisfying. "My sense of a good cover that will sell well is if I want to lick it," she says. "And the Beyoncé [December 2007] cover I licked several times... Before the sun came up." Hey, at least the woman loves her job?

The Science of Covers: Celebs, Cleavage and Sparkle [WWD]

So: Atoosa is shopping around one of those "how everyone should be like me and have everything that I don't even care about anymore because it is not meaningful" book proposals — shopping! — and she has more than 30,000 MySpace friends, which, let's see, puts her celebrity and influence just shy of Spankrock's. (Or like, yours, if you accepted every friend request.) And she is also reaching her massive fanbase with a series of YouTube videos "inspired" by Andy Warhol. Haha, get it? Maggie Erickson has taken your place, girl! Get a real job!!

Calling All Alpha Kitties [New York Times]

• Would you like a limited-edition carrying case with your ninety-pound September Vogue? Yeah, sorry, you only get one of you're an "FOV" — which we think is sort of like being an "SOB." [The Fashion Informer]
  
• Did you know Sting named his daughter "Fuschia"? She just mutilated her Dior gown. "Galliano would kill me," she says. Oh, we'd so happily do it for him. [WWD, 3rd item]
  
• Sean "Diddy" Combs will be airing the launch of his newest fragrance live on YouTube on Wednesday night. And yes: there will be liveblogging. [WWD, 4th item]
  
• Cavalli For H&M pix here. [Sassybella]

• Seventeen is going to do a whole special makeover section with women who have survived breast cancer. Which we think is really cool, but like: their readers are mostly thirteen, right? Um. [WWD, final item]
• More breast cancer-beautifying joint-venturing; buy a bra, cure the disease. [FabSugar]
• Did TopShop head honcho Philiip Greene really manage to make La Wintour laugh? During a fashion show? Eyewitness report, please. [Vogue UK]
• Please do us a favor: Will you read this interview with Elle Macpherson and tell us if it also seems to you that English is not her native tongue? [GlamChic]
• The Gap of France, Zadig & Voltaire, is suing Gap France, saying that they have stolen their designs. Such as: the T-shirt. Good lord. [WWD, sub req'd]

[C]rap transcends generational differences

According to Magazine Rack, Justine is rife with "bland recommendations" "by-the-numbers organizational framework", "overcaffeinated layouts" and "sad attempts to sound contemporary," while making no mention of sex, alcohol, acne, or peer pressure. Also: "It's a magazine for shut-ins, fantasists and reality deniers. Its fashion coverage also pushes the now-ubiquitous message of: "Why use your mind when your ass can do the heavy lifting, right?" And then this:

Justine has no more idea how to connect with teenage girls than Henry Kissinger does.

'Justine' September / October 2007 Review [MediaPost]