It's no surprise that Self put Clarkson on its key September issue – her August 2007 cover was a top seller that year, according to the Audit Bureau of Circulations. But according to WWD Memo Pad's Stephanie D. Smith (a former colleague), "The issue was the magazine's worst seller through September on newsstands, pulling in 220,000 copies and causing the magazine to miss its rate base that month." What went wrong? It's tempting to believe that widespread disdain at a grotesque Photoshop job was to blame, but that's not the whole story.

Once upon a time, women's magazines had a list of rules of what worked on covers –- which teases, colors, numbers postures, type of celebrity. The media world is a lot more crowded now, the rules are continually broken and disproved, and any ladymag editor will readily admit that predicting what will sell on a cover is by no means a science. Would you have guessed, for example, that Zooey Deschanel would be Self's best selling cover so far this year, outselling even number two contender Beyonce? (That's according to the Audit Bureau of Circulations' publisher reports).

Something that fanned the popular outrage against the Self cover was the fact that anyone who cares could find out exactly what Clarkson really looks like online – and did. Everyone knows there's an element of fantasy in magazines, but when the reality (seen in hourly paparazzi and red carpet shots on blogs) and the polished image are so glaringly far apart, you can't blame readers for feeling like they're being taken for fools and walking on by.

Aggressive Photoshopping also serves to make all celebrities look exactly the same — who hasn't stood at a newsstand and wondered which indistinguishable blondish and lean cover star is which? A casual glance might easily miss the fact that that's the ever-popular Clarkson, thoroughly transformed. (Incidentally, Clarkson also got the shrink treatment from the photo department at Elle in 2007, but fewer people seem to expect body-positivity - or reality - from a high fashion magazine.)

Yeah, Deschanel hasn't moved as many units as Clarkson or Beyonce. But take a look at that cover photo again. It's sunny and appealing – and it looks like her.

A Better Self In 2010 [WWD]

Earlier: Kelly Clarkson Slimmed Down On Self Via Photoshop

Self's Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger, who admitted last week that this month's Kelly Clarkson cover was altered - "of course we do post-production correction on our images" - put up a post on her Self.com blog yesterday titled "Pictures That Please Us." She wrote that though the program the magazine uses is "technically not Photoshop," they "correct color and other aspects of the digital pictures we take and then publish the best version we can." Yes, every magazine cover is altered in some way, but the Kelly Clarkson isn't controversial just because it was color corrected or even because a few more locks of hair were added to her head: it's because the editors of Self constructed a new body that bears no resemblance to what Clarkson currently looks like. Below is the behind the scenes video Danziger posted, which makes it even more obvious that the cover shot was drastically altered.

Danziger explains that she's so pro-Photoshop that she's even had her own image altered:

When I ran the marathon five years ago, I was so proud of myself for completing it in under five hours and not walking a single step. But my hips looked big in some of the photos (I was heavier then), so when I wanted to put one of them on the editor's letter in SELF, I asked the art department to shave off a little. I am confident in my body, proud of what it can accomplish, but it just didn't look the way I wanted in every picture...

The same is true of vacation. I keep the pix that show us all happy and glowing and laughing and playing, not the ones where we are scowling or hungry or tired. The ones that make the Christmas card are the best of the best.

Everyone has left an unflattering picture out of a photo album, but that would be analogous to not running a photo of Kelly Clarkson with her eyes closed, not completely reshaping her body. Danziger may have altered her body in her marathon picture, but that just means that she was actually so insecure about her body that she drew herself a new one.

Oh, but Danziger goes on to claim that cover portraits are supposed to be idealized artists renderings of what the model could look like, especially since when she walks in to a photo shoot she may look as hideous as a real live person:

Portraits like the one we take each month for the cover of SELF are not supposed to be unedited or a true-to-life snapshot (more on that in a moment). When the cover girl arrives at the shoot, she is usually unmade up and casually dressed, and could be mistaken for a member of the crew or the editorial team in many cases. Once we do her makeup and hair, and dress her in beautifully styled outfits and then light her, we then set the best portrait photographer we can on a road to finding a pose and capturing a moment that shows her at her best.

Except they're not actually "capturing a moment" since the moment never existed! She continues:

Then we allow the postproduction process to happen, where we mark up the photograph to correct any awkward wrinkles in the blouse, flyaway hair and other things that might detract from the beauty of the shot. This is art, creativity and collaboration. It's not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best. That is the point...

Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best. Did we publish an act of fiction? No. Not unless you think all photos are that. But in the sense that Kelly is the picture of confidence, and she truly is, then I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.

So even though Kelly Clarkson has said she's confident at any size and Danziger points out that Clarkson works out and is "as fit as anyone else we have featured in Self," the magazine's staffers decided having her instantly shed a few pounds would make her look even more confident and healthy.

Oh-kay, then.

In another blog post, Ashley Mateo, the editorial assistant for Self's entertainment team, writes:

The truth is, we have absolutely no reason to get worked up over PhotoShop. Magazines don't hide the fact that they're always trying to sell issues—and to sell copies, you need to appeal to readers with the best writing and the best images possible. We all know celebrities are human (at least, we all should know), so why do we get bent out of shape when a magazine alters an image to portray a celebrity in their best light? No one wants to see a giant picture of some star's cellulite on the cover of a monthly mag—that's what we have tabloids for!

Right, because if magazines actually ran unaltered photos of celebrities, women may stop hating their arms because they look fat compared to Kelly Clarkson's. If we saw a few dimples on a healthy woman's thigh in a magazine, then tabloids might stop running photos with giant arrows pointing to the tell tale signs that celebrities are nothing more than normal human women. Danziger was right: the point is that magazine covers "inspire women to want to be their best." And the best way to keep women reading Self's workout recommendations and buying the useless beauty products advertised on its pages is to inspire them to keep chasing after a version of themselves that Doesn't. Really. Exist.

Lucy's Blog: Pictures That Please Us [Self.com]
SELFy Stars: The Wonders Of PhotoShop [Self.com]

Earlier: Kelly Clarkson Slimmed Down On Self Via Photoshop

On the new cover of Self below, the editors did everything they could to obscure what her body actually looks like. Her right arm is totally invisible and much of her left arm has been cropped out. A yellow dot strategically obscures the area where her butt meets her lower back and white pants against a white background make her legs almost invisible.

Much of the photo looks like it was drawn on a computer, which would be obvious even if Clarkson had been living in seclusion since From Justin To Kelly. But, the Photoshopping is even more obvious since Kelly Clarkson has been widely ridiculed in the past year for putting on weight. The pictures below were taken during a July 31 performance on Good Morning America.

At any rate, there is nothing wrong with the way Clarkson looks. She says in Self,

"My happy weight changes... Sometimes I eat more; sometimes I play more. I'll be different sizes all the time. When people talk about my weight, I'm like, 'You seem to have a problem with it; I don't. I'm fine!' I've never felt uncomfortable on the red carpet or anything."

But clearly the editors at Self don't share her opinion. Entertainment Tonight asked the magazine's Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger why Clarkson looks so drastically different on their cover and this was her reply:

"Yes, of course we do post-production corrections on our images," Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger tells ET. Airbrushing images is an industry standard, and the mag stands behind its decision. "SELF magazine inspires and informs our 6 million readers each month to reach their all around best," Lucy adds. "Kelly Clarkson exudes confidence, and is a great role model for women of all sizes and stages of their life. She works out and is strong and healthy, and our picture shows her confidence and beauty. She literally glows from within. That is the feeling we'd all want to have. We love this cover and we love Kelly Clarkson."

...but only if she's skinny. The Self editors must have known their alterations would be obvious, but what's particularly puzzling is why they asked Clarkson to be on the magazine in the first place. According to Self's editorial calendar, the September issue closed on July 1. Even if the photo shoot took place several weeks earlier (assuming the image wasn't just pasted together from old photos) it's not as if Clarkson's appearance changed radically in the past few months. These photos are from February and March:

Danziger is is right: Kelly Clarkson is a "great role model for women of all sizes." When the press goes after celebrities for gaining weight many apologize to the public, like Oprah Winfrey or Kirstie Alley, or frantically exercise and appear on the cover of Us flaunting their slimmed down selves like Jennifer Love Hewitt. So far Clarkson has only declared that she's OK with her body and backed her statements up by performing in clothing that exposes her figure, rather than hiding under billowy outfits. Of course, now Clarkson has appeared with a newly-slim body on the cover of Self, but it's a decision the editors made for her, rather than a message she wanted to put out herself.

Kelly Clarkson: Cover Controversy? [Entertainment Tonight]
Self Editorial Calendar [Conde Nast]

Earlier: Oprah's "Embarrassed" About Her Weight; I'm Pissed Off
Kirstie Alley On Oprah: Weight-Gain Humiliation, Jealousy Of Valerie Bertinelli
Jennifer Love Hewitt Wants You To Stop Talking About Her Body Unless You're Calling Her Skinny

•Your Diet

— Rene Todd talks about how she started dieting because, 3-4 months after her delivery, "there was no excuse for still wearing my maternity clothes." Except, maybe, you know, caring for a new baby (p. 32).
— Waiters and waitresses list all the terrible mistakes women make when eating food. We order "extra bread, always, and then ask for more." We "do funny trade-offs, such as ordering a salad but then having three or four margaritas." Gosh, we girls are so dumb! Luckily this feature also includes a bunch of classic ano tips like dipping the end of your fork in dressing instead of putting it on your salad. (p. 82)

— SELF recommends you "schedule a chocolate break." Which is easy if you melt the chocolate right onto your alarm clock. (p. 86)








•Your Wardrobe

— Like Glamour, SELF has a "fashion for every body type" feature (p. 72). SELF sets its version apart, however, by making it really hideous.
If you're curvy, for instance, it's disco time!












•Your Psyche

—"To stay focused and true to yourself," Lois Barth writes, "try creating a personal metaphor" — perhaps "an acrobat in a spangly leotard, spurring you to stretch yourself while squeezing in more fun." Because now even fun is something you need to "stay focused" on. (p. 21)
— You've heard of books that analyze your nightmares, but what about your daydreams? By definition these happen during the day, when you're conscious, but apparently they too need third-party interpretation. SELF's guide can help. For instance, if you're daydreaming about revenge, it might mean you don't like someone. Solution: volunteering! (p. 97)








•And, Most Importantly, Your Skin

— Don't drink from a water bottle — it will give you mouth wrinkles. Also, don't drink from a straw. (p. 48)
— Is your dull skin making you look OLD? You should probably try being happier. It's easy! Just "test different forms of stress relief to find what works for you." (p. 36) My favorite stress relief: not reading SELF — until next month.

When Jennifer Flavin — former model, owner of a Home Shopping Network skincare line, and wife of Sylvester Stallone — told Joy that she hadn't had plastic surgery on her face, and that that was all she wanted to say, Joy was like, "No! What have you had done?" So Jennifer said, "Well, I'm not gonna say where I've had it done, but I have three little girls." And then she winked.

So Joy tried to get her to fess up if it was above or below the belt. She would only say it was below the chin, and reminded Joy again that she's had three children and then winked again.

Joy and Joan took it to mean that she had her breasts done, but I think that the fact that she said she wouldn't disclose where she's had it done, made it seem way more unmentionable than implants. I'm thinking maybe she got her vadge pimped. What about you?

Earlier: Pimp My Vadge

• Enfant terrible Marc Jacobs stuck his tongue out at fashion critic/mortal enemy Suzy Menkes after his Louis Vuitton show. [Washington Post]
  
• And yeah, did we need to report that he started his show late? We probably didn't need to tell you that. [WWD, 4th item]
  
• Here's a sentence we never thought we would write: Following in the footsteps of Jay-Z, Bill Clinton is collaborating with Piguet to create a limited edition watch. [WWD, 3rd item]
  
• Holy fuck, Stella McCartney better find a pretty good way to explain to us how shoes made from pleather cost $595. [FabSugar]

• Bestest Fashion Week Quote of the Season: "Stefano [Pilati, Yves Saint Laurent designer]'s still the designer right?" —Kanye West at the YSL show. We wish we'd been sitting next to him at Dior Homme! [Fashion Week Daily]
• Um, Bebe does couture? That Sarah Michelle Gellar will believe anything! Of the dress she wore to the dinner in her honor hosted by Self magazine: "My dress is Bebe, but the couture Bebe line. My new stylist, Rob Zangardi, brought this out and was like, 'You're not gonna believe where this is from, but just trust me!'" [Fashion Week Daily]
• The Sex and the City movie will feature bridesmaid dresses by Zac Posen. Sigh. [FabSugar]
• For designer Azzedine Alaia, today is Independence Day. Having bought back 100% of his company from the Prada overlords back in July, Alaia has just announced that he has found an investor to make his fashion house his all over again. [Vogue UK]
• Private equity firm 3i would like to buy bad-girl lingerie company Agent Provocateur. Yeah, only because it's such a great investment. [Vogue UK]
• Prada has just hired a Chief Operating Officer. Which seems like a pretty important position to have in a business — so why did they never have one before? [WSJ]

You know what it's like. You spend the first six months of your relationship drunk, and by the time you sober up and realize he's crap in bed, you've been faking more in hope than in expectation and it's a wee bit late to say anything. What to do?

Buy Self magazine this month, for "a radical re-thinking of the way you play that will bring you immense satisfaction". The answer? Explore massage. Concentrate on foreplay. Don't have sex at all under any circumstances, blah blah blah, the usual stuff, none of which you'll ever do because it won't make any difference because he's crap in bed. And crap in bed is crap in bed for a reason. He wouldn't know sensual if it walked up and smacked him with a sign saying "Hi! I'm Sensual!", and all the Self articles in the world won't teach him, so make your decision. Put up with it and hope he doesn't run off with a pneumatic dental nurse in 20 years time, or ditch him and join a fetish club to explore what you really really want.

The article quotes a study that says 33% of women rarely or never climax during intercourse:

"This may be because the female orgasm doesn't appear to serve any evolutionary purpose and is irrelevant to reproduction."

Alternatively, it may just be because men are crap in bed.

Hey. I'm just putting it out there.....