Kelly Preston

Clooney lived with Preston in 1988, when they were both young actors in LA. He bought her a potbellied pay named Max, who became his longtime (and famous) pet when they broke up. So far, so equal.

Talia Balsam

They married in Vegas in 1989, just a few months after Clooney's breakup with Preston. That year, he was in Red Surf and she was in Trust Me. Trust Me actually has 5.3 stars on IMDb, while Red Surf has a dismal 3.6, so by that measure she was actually doing better than him. They divorced in 1993.

Celine Balitran

This French waitress/law-student was 23 when she and Clooney got together in 1996 (he was 35). Clooney was building his career with movies like From Dusk Till Dawn, One Fine Day, and The Peacemaker. It's unclear if she finished her law studies when she moved to LA to be with him, but IMDb now lists her occupation as "model." She may mark the beginning — at least, that we know of, of Clooney's predilection for the waitress, model, and waitress/model. At least one (kind of questionable) source reports they were engaged. They split in 1999 — she broke up with him.

Lisa Snowdon

Snowdon and Clooney dated on and off from 2000 to 2005. Her career included modeling for Maxim, FHM, Esquire, and GQ. She also hosted the show LA Pool Party. It's worth noting that Clooney's post-Balsam girlfriends generally haven't been famous enough to be interviewed, except in the context of being with Clooney. As a result, we have no idea whether they're smart — only that their careers are nonthreatening and usually involve hotness.

Krista Allen

Allen met Clooney in 2002 and dated him until 2004, perhaps during a "off" period with Snowdon. According to IMDb, "She is also very excited about her new t-shirt line SuperEXellent."

Renee Zellwegger

They dated in 2001, but very briefly, and may have dated again in 2006. Maybe she was too famous for him?

Sarah Larson

A cocktail waitress, dancer, and former Fear Factor contestant, Sarah Larson famously started dating Clooney in 2007. He took her to the Academy Awards, for him an unprecedented commitmenty step. While dating him, she tried to launch a modeling career, of which she said Clooney was supportive. "Your boyfriend better be," she told People. "If they aren't, you gotta kick 'em in the butt and walk away." He broke up with her in 2008.

Elisabetta Canalis

Which brings us to his current girlfriend. Aged 30, she reminds us that while Clooney likes them young, he doesn't always like them so young that cradle-robbing seems like his only motivation. Rather, ever since his marriage, he seems to go for women with undemanding and (at least compared to him) unimpressive jobs in the sexiness professions. Canalis, with her current gig hosting Italian Total Request Live and her "very minor role" in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, is no exception.

Is it wrong to be annoyed that Clooney, a seemingly cerebral actor with risky movie choices and a reputation for international advocacy and interest in politics and policy, seems to date women known mainly for their ability to pose and serve drinks (Lucy Wolvert, whom he reportedly dated for a few months this year, brings his cocktail waitress total to at least three)? In a way it is, because for all we know, these women could all be awesome. At the same time, it's hard not to see Clooney as a powerful guy who pointedly avoids dating powerful women. And that, especially if you like both George Clooney and power, is kind of depressing.

George Clooney's Piece O' The Moment? [Dlisted]

• Kabbalah enthusiasts Madonna and Alex Rodriguez took their scandalous romance public Wednesday night in Miami, mere days after Madge's divorce from Guy Ritchie was finalized. A-Rod handed Madge a bottle of water as she finished her second song during a sold-out show at Dolphin Stadium. E! is referring to the couple as "Madrod", but surely there has to be a better name for the unlikely pair. A-Mad? Rodge? Madariguez? [E! via Yahoo News]
• Truly sad news (if true): sources say Patrick Swayze is saying goodbye to his friends and family as his cancer has spread to his liver. However, this news originated from the National Enquirer so remember the grain of salt. [Daily Telegraph]
• Are Sienna Miller and the still-married Balthazar Getty back on the public canoodle train? After a scandalous relationship and a public break-up, the two were spotted dining out in London and were seen at the same nightclub later on that day. [Mirror]

• George Clooney ex Sarah Larson says that dating the uber sexy mega star was stressful. " It was a little nerve-wracking because you know, everybody loves George, and so, to be in the public eye like that, it was a little bit stressful," Larson explains. "It's a lot to take in. I think I just went like a deer in the headlights." [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Katy Perry says she won't pose for Playboy because “I don’t want to go all Kardashian." We've seen Kim Kardashian, and you, Katy, are no Kim Kardashian. [Mirror]
• Michael Phelps brought his Vegas cocktail waitress girlfriend home for Thanksgiving. They've been together for about two months. [People]
• Lynne Spears is defending Britney's mothering abilities to the haters. "Oh she's a wonderful mother – she's funny, she's extremely affectionate," Lynne says. [People]
• "You have to think about what they want, what makes them happy, what makes them feel comfortable. The most important thing is to be grown-up about it and not let any kind of feelings affect how you deal with your children. We raised our kids just to be happy." — Reese Witherspoon on raising kids after a divorce. [Mirror]
• Speaking of split ups, Amy Winehouse met with divorce lawyers yesterday to discuss divorcing her crap husband Blake Fielder-Civil. That's the first good decision she's made in years. [The Sun]
• Posh and Becks spent Thanksgiving in New York with the TomKat clan. Apparently there had been rumors of a rift between the megacouples because the Beckhams didn't want to become Scientologists. The bonds of outrageous sums of money must be stronger than those of religious affiliation. [Daily Mail]

• Okay, let's start here: Before Madonna, Yankee Alex Rodriguez was into a stripper named Monique. [Page Six]
• Now, amid rumors that A-Rod is seeing Madonna, comes news that A-Rod's wife is seeing Lenny Kravitz — who used to date Madonna. Did you know that Leonard co-wrote "Justify My Love"? In any case, this stuff is messy, messy business. [NY Post]
• Wait, wait. Alex and wife Cynthia have split. They are separated. Is Cynthia on a romantic getaway with Lenny Kravitz? "She is not! I know that," Cynthia's mom says. [Daily News]
• This picture of Angelina Jolie in the hospital window showing off her baby bump is sooo clearly not Angelina Jolie. [Just Jared]
• Angie and Brad want at least $15 million for the first shot of them with the newborns. Duh. [NY Post]

• So these "X-rated" letters that Blake Fielder-Civil wrote to some chick who is not Amy Winehouse are pretty harmless, except when they're not. For instance, in one, he says" "Your[sic] a beautiful girl too Lissy, you have such amazing eyes. I can see me licking all my [deleted] off that hot sexy face." Then he goes on to say "I've told Amy about you… and read a bit of one of your letters, it turns her on and she wants to meet ya." I dunno, I wonder if this chick was writing him pornographic stuff to entrap him? It seems very one-sided. [The Sun]
• Is there Will Smith backlash? Are people trying to tear him down with these random Scientology reports? [LA Times]
• Sean "Diddy" Combs reviews Hancock: "As a black kid, you're like why ain't there black superheroes?… They got dog superheroes… I guess they felt like black people wasn't good enough to be superheroes… Shit is changing…Fuck Batman, Superman, Robin with his bitchass, Underdog and the mutt motherfucker. Hancock bitches. Hancock. I feel proud that my kids can go see a superhero that looks like them." [PaulScheer.com]
• The rumors that Diddy is dating singer Cassie persist. They've been swirling for a while and she turned 21 last year. [Rush & Molloy]
• Rose McGowan's rep says Rose McGowan and Robert Rodriguez are still together – professionally and personally. Plus! Rose will still star in the three movies Rodriguez is working on (Barbarella, Red Sonja and Woman in Chains!). So hmm, where did those reports of their split — and the replacement of Rose with Jessica Alba — come from? [People]
• Michael Lohan is trying to sell his "exclusive story" about fathering Lindsay's secret half sister to the tabloids — because if DNA tests prove he is Ashley Kaufman's dad, he's going to owe a shitload of back child support. Anyway, did you see the kid? Do you think she's a Lohan? [Page Six]
• Shocker: Naomi Campbell threw a tantrum. Although it sounds rather tame. The scene: A party for Jay-Z in London. A partygoer says: "She arrived at the champagne reception and was surprisingly quiet, refusing any alcohol. She looked like she was having a good time and was very calm - until people started to move into the dining area. Naomi clearly thought she would get some dinner, but one of Jay-Z’s people told her she wasn’t invited and couldn’t go in. At first she thought he was joking, but when she realised it was serious she couldn’t believe it. She stormed off screaming and swearing. It was pretty funny to watch." Eh, doesn't sound like she actually threw a fit. In other news, Jay-Z allegedly sent assistants over to get the phone numbers of pretty young ladies at the party. [This Is London]
• Rumer Willis and Brittny Gastineau: Seen vying for Gossip Girl star Chase Crawford's attention. But like, just because he's not into them doesn't mean he's gay, right? [Page Six]
• Forest Whitaker is huge in France. [Page Six]
• Ryan Adams and Mandy Moore are dunzo. He blames the media! "I found the entire speculation and subsequent photographs and intrusions terrifying, and only wish to live as normal a life as possible," he says. Sad face! [Rush & Molloy]
• It's a boy! Matthew McConaughey's unborn surfer will be a dude. [Rush & Molloy]
• The Christie Brinkley divorce trial has begun and Christie says she "heard a lot of new things I didn't know" in the opening and now she needs "some time to let it all absorb." [People]
• Christie's estranged husband hearts online porn. As for the the teenager he was having an affair with, he "showered" her with cash, including a $300,000 "hush money" payout. [Yahoo News]
• The new People magazine cover is a picture of Anne Hathaway with the line: "The Princess & The Con Man." [People]
• Kim Stewart flitted into the VIP area where her "friend" John Mayer was hanging with Jennifer Aniston and Jen had Kim kicked out. Twice. [The Sun]
• As reported in Midweek Madness, Naomi Watts is pregnant. Again. She gave birth 11 months ago. [News.com.au]
• Rapper DMX has been arrested. Again. In Arizona. [Reuters]
• Sarah Larson: Seen having dinner with hot hottie Jason Statham. [Perez Hilton]
• Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and Don Cheadle played a poker game where the cash goes to victims of the humanitarian crisis in the Darfur region of Sudan. [E!]
• Lily Allen might quit making music and to A&R at a record label instead. [The Sun]
• Could Heath Ledger really win an Oscar? [CNN]
• Kylie Minogue got an Order of The British Empire from Prince Charles. She went to Buckingham Palace and everything. [BBC News]
• Jack Wagner visited Heather Locklear in the Arizona facility she's in for anxiety and depression. Just like an episode of Melrose Place. [People]
• Madonna's brother got a job with Janice Dickinson. He's gonna design her bedroom — in the house she shares with models for her show The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. [E!]
• A former employee is writing an "explosive" book about Miramax, based on files and tapes of Harvey and Bob Weinstein. Did the brothers make shitty movies on purpose? [Page Six]
• OMG Bruce Lee museum. Yes. Yes! [Reuters]

• Medic! Daniel Craig sliced his fingertip off while filming the new James Bond movie. Last week he cut his face and needed eight stitches. The man suffers for his art, you guys. [Mirror]
• Did a psychic help Angelina and Brad design a nursery for the twins??? Apparently someone was hired to determine the "vibe" of the unborn bébés. If you believe this crap. [MSNBC]
• One benefit for Angelina Jolie giving birth in France? "Medieval" paparazzi laws. [NY Post]
• R. Kelly told the judge in his child pornography trial that he does not plan to testify. The proceedings are winding down! [Miami Herald]
• Even though Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon didn't have a big celebration, you can totally buy them a wedding present! They're registered at Bergdorf Goodman. [Page Six]
• Lily Allen, Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan had dinner together! Sam's brother produced Lily's album, remember. [Mirror]
• "My sister and Lindsay make a cute couple, don’t they?" — Mark Ronson. [DListed]

• Even though George Clooney and Sarah Larson have split up, he is still letting her friends use his Lake Como villa for their honeymoon, as he promised while he and Sarah were together. Because he is one classy mothertrucker. [E!]
• Two words: Smurfs movie. [UPI]
• Tricia Walsh-Smith, the woman who ranted about her husband via YouTube, has more issues: The lady who filmed her is releasing a "director's cut." [Page Six]
• Chris Martin writes Coldplay songs under the influence of sleeping pills? That explains a lot. [Page Six]
• Minnie Driver's pregnancy landed her a role in Uma Thurman's movie, Motherhood. We still don't know who the father is, though! [Page Six]
• Farrah Fawcett's battle with cancer is a cash cow, and she is milking it. [Page Six]
• Plus-size model Mia Tyler had suicidal thoughts and very nearly killed herself, poor thing. [Page Six]
• Those Oscar de la Hoya fishnet pictures? Fake. Fakety fake fake. Funny, though. [TMZ]
• Shia LaBeouf is "embarrassed" by that YouTube video in which he goads his friend to slap him by calling the guy a faggot. His rep says: "He regrets having used the word in any capacity and is very embarrassed that this footage is being seen by anyone." [E!]
• Brooke Hogan is "freaked out" that her mom is dating a 19-year-old. And Brooke actually knows her mom's new guy, Charley Hill. "I went to school with him," Brooke says. "He was a grade under me..." [E!]
• Iron Man sequel? Director Jon Favreau says neither he nor Robert Downey Jr. have been approached. [E!]
• One of the stars of Meerkat Manor was killed in a hit and run while crossing a road in the Kalahari Desert. Tragic! [ONTD]
• Little Richard will perform at a wedding on The Young And The Restless! Repeat: Little Richard will be on Young And The Restless. Actually, he was on One Life To Live in 1995, so it's not that weird. But still kinda weird. [ONTD]
• P. Diddy's $426,000 Maybach was hit by a drunk driver in New York's meatpacking district. [ONTD]
• There may be a Gossip Girl spinoff set at a boarding school. If you read the books, you know that there was a boarding school spinoff called The It Girl. And if you know GG producer Josh Schwartz, you may recall he wanted to spinoff a boarding school drama from The OC like 2 years ago. [Reuters, Digital Spy]
• Amy Winehouse's money was used to bankroll the plot Blake Incarcerated cooked up, which involved bribing a guy he'd beat up to retract his story and leave the country. [Mirror]
• The book seen in the SATC movie, Love Letters Of Great Men, does not exist. But the closest thing, Love Letters of Great Men and Women: From the Eighteenth Century to the Present Day, is now 134 on Amazon, thanks to Carrie wannabes. [CBS News]
• Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are battling over vaccinations, but it is hard to care because I'm over both of them. [TMZ]
• The release date has been set for Terrence "Baby Wipes" Howard's new album. Mark your calendars: September 2! [UPI]
• Celebrity Rehab season two: Grease and Taxi star Jeff Conaway, son-of-Rod Sean Stewart, Rodney King, American idol contestant Nikki McKibbon, Tawny Kitaen and, um, Gary Busey. [UPI]
• The Harry Potter prequel: 800 words, hand-written, sold for $49,000 at a charity auction yesterday. [Reuters]
• A dude who claims he was tricked into putting his penis in a mousetrap by Adam Carolla, Jimmy Kimmel and Johnny Knoxville has dropped his lawsuit. Seriously? You can't blame other people for your stupid decisions. [E!]
• "I'm the most ill-prepared parent on the planet." — Marissa Jaret Winokur, who is due in six weeks. [People]
• "I'd like to be with someone who is secure with themselves. She has to understand that I have a lot going on and I'm busy." — Mario Lopez. [People]
• LOL @ Mario Lopez riding in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. [E!]
• "When you get married, you're forced to drink the milk long after it's spoiled." — Kimora Lee Simmons. [People]
• "I'm very happy, and in a great place being a married man." — Usher. [People]

• Vivica A. Fox is going to be the host of a new VH1 series called Glam God, in which the actress, who is known for her amazing style (??), will be searching for the next celebrity stylist. I can’t wait to see another reality show winner do absolutely nothing while everyone else on the show tries to one up Jerry Springer factor. I hope there’s a really good gay man or at least someone with a weave to yank on. [ConcreteLoop]
• Getting Gay With Bags is Here! Marc Jacobs completes his special handbag for twink-blogger Bryanboy (the bag is called “the BB”) and Bryanboy gets really excited and…whips himself? [Gawker]
• Designer Claudia Escobar has made a luxury clothing line out of salmon skin. "Many people who lived near rivers and oceans have used fish throughout history. It's not my original idea," she says. [Reuters]
• Mischa Barton’s created a line of handbags, coming to London’s John Lewis, Debenhams and Fenwicks stores on July 2nd. Why not make handbags for the United States, Mischa? Is the dollar too weak, or is it that we just don't give a shit? [FabSugar]

• Marc Jacobs keeps it simple at London design school Central Saint Martins: "I can't bear it when designers go on about inspiration … If a girl wants to wear it and feels good then who cares?" Say what you will about his shortcomings, but over-thinking fashion is not one of them. [NYMag]
• Agyness Deyn (aka The New Kate Moss) supposedly bought a loft in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (aka The New Lower East Side). I guess I'm supposed to write something about how "lame" that is for the neighborhood, but it actually seems pretty obvious to me. [Perez Hilton]
• Sarah Larson, George Clooney’s waitress girlfriend, graces Bazaar's 50 Most Beautiful People feature. Yeah, I’m pretty sure she’s not a waitress anymore. Take a look at the Pretty Woman here. [Models.com]
• Oh Crocs! What can’t you do? Inventor Spot reports that now there’s a special little Croc that can be used to carry a cell phone. This of course, is happening in Japan, where soon they’ll be inventing a pair of Crocs for your Crocs, as well as a Crocs reality show where the winner gets to turn into a Croc and sweep the nation yet again. [InventorSpot]
• Urban Outfitters, best known for its BoHo dresses, ironic tees, and teeny tiny dressing rooms, has always made us feel safe in our left-wing ways. Except, of course, the owner of the chain hates gay people and gives money to George W. Bush. [Racked]
• Busted! Now we know where some of the best American designers (Ralph Lauren, Mark Jacobs, Calvin Klein) go to get their clothing made. [NYTimes]
• New York Rangers hockey player Sean Avery talks about his Vogue internship, Anna Wintour, and photocopying. [MollyGood]
• Louisville, Kentucky porn shops “Victor’s Secret” and “Victor’s Little Secret”) settle the lawsuit brought by Victoria’s Secret for trademark violation. The store is now called “Cathy’s Secret” which, you know, doesn’t really have the same (cock) ring to it. [MSNBC]
• “Having streaked, chipped or just plain grotty nail polish no longer suggests drug addiction, manual labor or pure laziness,” writes Melena Ryzik for The New York Times. I have been waiting YEARS for this to become acceptable! Thank you Olsen Twins and Vogue model Cindy McCain! [NYTimes]

Since it the internet is so awash in misogyny and woman-bashing that it's like we're living in the dark ages, this week all sentences will be medieval torture techniques. Fun and educational!

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Use of the oh-so handy "slut" label.
The Evidence: "George Clooney's Girlfriend Is A Slut: One day this chick doesn't mind getting dry humped on camera, the next she's a demure flower on the red carpet. Why the sudden change? Was it true love's first kiss? Did George Clooney fill her empty heart? 'Oh, and he's really rich and famous,' Sarah Larson added. 'Don't forget rich.'" So yeah. What does it matter that Sarah Larson's been photographed Last Nights Party-style? So have lots of girls. Also, calling someone you don't know a slut on the internet is immature, stupid and makes you look like and idiot. Cut it out. Also? Women are complex. Deal with it.
The Sentence: The Judas Cradle.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Getting on Miss England's case; calling her fat.
The Evidence: "She says, 'It's what I was born to do - posing for the camera. And as I keep saying, I love my body. People seem desperate to get me to say that I don't, that deep down I'm not happy and would rather be thin, but the fact is I wouldn't change myself at all. Do I have fat days? Of course, but what woman doesn't!' I think the difference being Chloes fat days are more commonly known as, 'Monday-Sunday.'" Miss England, Chloe Marshall, is a lot of things: Brave, confident, 5 foot 10 and recently signed to a modeling agency. She is not, however, fat.
The Sentence: Foot roasting.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Calling a supermodel a man.
The Evidence: "I know I rip on Gisele Bundchen a lot, but even I've got to admit she's looking pretty hot here at the launch of the Vogue Eyewear Play Everyday Campaign in that tight dress of hers. And that's hard for me to admit considering I'm not into dudes." Please, that woman does not look like a man. And this isn't even "funny."
The Sentence: The Heretic's Fork.

The Accused: Your friend, Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Bashing Miley Cyrus (again), wishing disease on Audrina Patridge.
The Evidence: "I guess one of the good things about 15 year old girls is that they don't have cellulite like they will when they actually become women, but they are so annoying when all they want to watch is Hannah Montana reruns, especially when they are Hannah Montana... bitch is probably the next in line for an abortion at the on studio abortion clinic they are rockin' over at Disney and this bitch and her crooked smile don't have shit on the 15 year old girls I see out in clubs..."
Additional Evidence: (Audrina Patridge gets a tattoo) "The only hope we have is that the needle is tainted and she gets herself some AIDS and the good news is that she's enough of a slut to make that happen on her own, without dirty needles." You don't need me to explain why all of this is distasteful, derogatory, misogynist, degrading, demeaning and malicious. And yeah, we're going to keep writing about DS, because someone keeps paying him to post stuff like this. It's wrong, and people should know that.
The Sentence: Being flayed alive.

The Good: Renee Zellweger's face scares me. But her dress sure is pretty. Nom nom George Clooney. No comment, Sarah Larson. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Clooney: You done good. You know how I don't like jeans on the red carpet? One exception: The pregnant. It's Rick Schroder. And Rick Schroder's son, who looks just like... Rick Schroder. Gorgeous Goran Visnjic and wife!

The Bad: Cindy Crawford looks fierce and all, but her dress seems a little dated, no? Why does Jenna Fischer look so uncomfortable? Adrienne Frantz looks like she's ready to baby-sit. Oh, Nancy O'Dell: Let's not forget that you picked Project Runway's Wendy Pepper Season 1 to design your 2005 Grammy Awards dress.

The Ugly: Who is this man with Fran Drescher? And why did no one pull him out of the tanning booth sooner?

[Los Angeles, March 31. Images via Bauer-Griffin]

The Good:

Tilda Swinton looks totally nuts. I love it.

Emily Mortimer is a total coquette. Le swoon.

Brava Ellen Page: The girl has already mastered red carpet chic.

Does Kate Winslet ever look bad? Even when wearing what is essentially a ribbon-belted garbage bag?


The Bad:

Nicole Miller is a fashion designer! Of pretty dresses! So why does she look so M.O.B.?

Sarah Larson is a pretty girl. She is dating a hot guy. She needs to step it up.

Jurnee Smollett's look is definitely the most exciting one of the evening. But not necessarily in a good way.

Yeah, yeah: Catherine Zeta Jones looks good. And Michael Douglas looks old.


The Ugly:

Julian Schnabel gives the stink eye.

[All photos via Getty]