Watching clips of women squealing over shoes and sheets — and getting orgasmic over orange juice — you start to wonder how advertisers got the idea that women respond to these over-the-top portrayals. It's almost like looking at some of the weird "Oldies But Goodies" we post: The ads seem laughably out-of-touch. Should we blame decades of fashion magazines and celebrity worship for promoting consumerist ideals and shopping-as-a-woman's-hobby propaganda? Maybe. But. According to Haskins, we should "Stop asking dumb questions like, 'Is Congress using us as a pawn in the healthcare debate?' and start asking, 'Are my boobs jealous of my butt?" Remember ladies: "Happiness is just one purchase away."

Target Women: "Happiness Is Just One Purchase Away" [Salon]
Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Lessons 2009Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Lessons 2009 [Current]

As always, the ads change, but the message remains the same: If you're a woman, you're never safe: You're a potential victim; you shouldn't trust anyone, and if you act now, a prince will save you from your tower hunky security guys - or policemen - will rescue you from any scary situation.

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Broadview Security [Current]
Target Women: Broadview Security [HuffPo]

Earlier: We Hate It When That Happens
Security Systems And The Culture Of Fear
Brinks: Home Security For Modern Day Damsels In Distress

But first: Have you ever been convinced that technology from Europe will make you more beautiful? I haven't. But for some reason beauty companies think women will fall for that shit.

The instant facelift ones are the worst, because they really prey on the aging, as if there's anything you can do about aging. And Sarah's right: If you had money, you'd get surgery, but you don't! So you waste it on stuff that will never work. Sigh.

By the by: I saw this Rejuvenique commercial one night AND COULD NOT SLEEP FOR THREE YEARS AFTERWARD.

Kidding. Sort of. Anyway, Sarah Haskins was asked about all the crazy crap that's marketed toward women. She says:

A lot of people ask me like, how can marketing to women be better? And my default answer is, I don't want it to better, this is my job.

But seriously folks!
She also explains:

I think the big problem, though, stemmed from the fact that everything is - the products are very clearly divided into genders, either because of something with our gender roles, like laundry, or maybe, you know, they find the angle being weight loss, and that's a lady thing, so that goes to yogurt. I mean, that's what the yogurt ads are about, weight loss and, like, regularity.

And:

I was an American studies major in college and we learned about the cult of true womanhood, which was sort of what women were told in the media in like the turn of the century in the Victorian era at that time, which emphasized this piety and purity and submission and domesticity, and how the women sort of control the hearth. And from that, you know, they control the home. And I think the legacy of that has not changed. It's still with us in the media and we've just added to it. Certainly a lot of women's products are still like, do it for your man.

And now I think what's been added to it in a modern mix is this all sense of like, fem-powerment - like you go, girl. You are jogging, you know? And that shouldn't be our prime goal: jogging and going to yoga class without having cramps.

She also admits she likes the Geico commercial where a cash stack with little eyeballs sings to you. It's a gender-neutral idea! But, she says: "I don't think anything — when it's going after women particularly, in trying to frame them in a certain way to make you buy the product — is really going to not be ridiculous in some way." And the proof is in the Target: Women pudding.

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Beauty Contraptions [Current]
Why Marketers Are Wooing Women All Wrong [NPR]

Earlier: All Sarah Haskins posts
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

Burgers, cable, deodorant, hair dye… The ad agencies pitch these products to men with the promise of hot chicks, even if that premise is preposterous. Do dudes really think that if they order mini-burgers, a gaggle of gals will instantly appear? Probably not. But "sex sells" is the oldest trick in the book, especially for badvertising.

Sarah Haskins in Target Women How to Get Hot Chicks [Current]

Earlier: All Sarah Haskins posts
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

Kids today are being targeted with all kinds of brands. When I was in elementary school I'm pretty sure I wore Buster Brown shoes and whatever my mom picked out. There was no "blingitude" involved.

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Back 2 School [Current]

Earlier: Previous Sarah Haskins posts

Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

Haskins says it's all about the "Mom-amorphasis."

Tracie's take? That her career has come full circle.

It is curious that Brooke has gone from Pretty Baby to talking about her babies, and that all kinds of companies (teeth whitening! Volkswagen!) think that she is uniquely qualified to reach out to American women. Is there something that makes her seem trustworthy? Likable? Is it because she's been in the business for such a long time? Maybe since we're used to seeing her face, we feel like we know her. She couldn't possibly lie to us — not about eyelash growth!

Target Women: Brooke Shields [Current]
Related: Why Is Brooke Shields In Every Commercial?

Earlier: All Sarah Haskins Posts
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

• Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are so on. How on are they?

They walk like teenagers at the state fair: Hands on each others asses. Image at link! [TMZ]

• Here are more invasion of privacy pix of Renee and Bradley in a Barcelona hotel, and what's really notable are Renee's torturous heels. [Daily Mail]
• Oh-so-demure actress Emmy Rossum, 22, is getting a secret divorce from her secret husband after getting a secret marriage on some secret date. Secrets! [JustJared]
• On Angelina Jolie at the Inglourious Basterds premiere: "Even though Jolie skipped most press, when we chatted with her for a bit she was bubbly, fun and...nice. What gives? Could Jolie be preggers again or something?" Yes, if a woman is in a good mood, she must be sperminated. [E!]
• Jon Gosselin has given an eloquent statement in response to Kate's appearance on the today show. "Kate's the mother of my children," he told E! News. "I only wish her the best." [Usa Magazine]
• Apparently Regis Philbin and Kate Gosselin had an awkward moment in an interview which will air on Live With Regis And Kelly tomorrow. He asked if Kate could see herself reconnecting with Jon. She said: "I can't and won't answer that. I keep certain things private, and that's one." Then, Reeg being Reeg, he said: "I think you [and your husband] will get back together and live happily ever after. I think everything is going to work itself out - he'll say he's sorry, that he loves you and everything will be good." Kate had no response and the show cut to commercial. [NY Daily News]
• Justin Timberlake is bringing chukker back: He bought a house in Connecticut in a private gated community famed for Greenwich polo matches. [Page Six]
• John Hughes was mourned yesterday at a private service in Lake Forest, Illinois. Among the attendees: Family, friends, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stein and Matthew Broderick. [USA Today]
• Kate Hudson wants to have Alex Rodriguez's baby. [MSNBC]
• Nadya Suleman, mother of octuplets, has been hospitalized in California. Details? None. A source says: "This is not a big deal and Nadya should be back on her feet in a few days." [Radar Online]
• Ben Stiller will appear on an episode of Bear Grylls' Man Vs. Wild, and says he'd like to see some other stars survive in the wilderness: "I really would love to invite Demi Moore." [The Sun]
• Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush: Reunited and it feels so good? [Perez]
• Kourtney Kardashian kissed a girl. And liked it. On camera. And it's part of the promotional blitz for her show Kourtney And Khloe Take Miami. But, she says: "I feel like I'm definitely into men." [E!]
• Unbeweavable! Amy Winehouse: The Musical. Might happen. [The Sun]
• Zac Efron is at the center of a lawsuit in Beverly Hills small claims court; a woman claims he hit a cab and the cab hit her. She's looking for $3,319.76 — which should be doable if a bunch of you guys go rent 17 Again. [TMZ]
• It had been reported that Real Housewives Of Atlanta' Lisa Wu Hartwell had been evicted from her home, but she says: "We chose to move, we were not evicted. It was a short-sell. It was not a foreclosure." [People]
• Whee! Natalie Portman will produce Booksmart, the comedy written by our girlcrush Sarah Haskins and her pal Emily Halpern. This is the one about two overachieving high school seniors who realize they don't have boyfriends and resolve to each find one by prom. [Variety]
• Joe Jonas may be joining the cast of Valentine's Day, which, in addition to Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Patrick Dempsey, Jamie Foxx and Queen Latifah, stars his ex, Taylor Swift. [E!]
• Even though it was previously reported that Michael Jackson had already been buried at Forest Lawn Cemetery, Joe Jackson says MJ is "not buried yet." And: "I think Vegas would be great."
• Will the 9th season of Dancing With The Stars be Jackson-inspired? Lou Ferrigno is "definitely interested." LaToya Jackson is in talks. Jermaine Jackson wants to do it too, and "thinks he could win it all." [MSNBC]
• LaToya Jackson's discussions to join DWTS are "serious." [Us Magazine]
• Jermaine Jackson was trying to pull together a "Happy Birthday Michael Jackson" televised tribute concert in Vienna on August 29, but couldn't get it organized in time. [Page Six]
• Is Blanket Blaxican?!?!? [Mirror]
• There's a dispute over the Billy Mays autopsy results; the medical examiner should not have immediately listed "heart disease" as the cause, since it ignored the toxicology work which found cocaine, Xanax and Vicodin in the pitchman's system. [TMZ]
• Amber Rose naked, holding a whip. [The Life Files]
• Joey Buttafuoco: Suing Mary Jo. Apparently he's not happy that her new book calls him a sociopath. [La Daily Musto]
• Pete Doherty is going to trial for drugs. Related: Sky is blue. [The Sun]
• Farrah Fawcett's friend Alana Stewart says that Redmond O'Neal is "doing well" and is getting sober. "He's in a rehab part of the jail and he's going to go to a regular rehab after this. He feels his mother's with him; he feels her presence very strongly and he promised her in a phone call just before she died that he would never do drugs again, so I hope that he's able to keep that promise." [Daily Express]
• Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza, who got in trouble last year when people found out that she'd posed for a jewelry ad in the nude, a no-no for Miss Universe contestants, will appear topless in Maxim's September issue. Of course. [Page Six]
• "I always look at things and say, 'Will Barbra be proud?' She does such elegant work. Am I the guy who is going out and doing the tacky stuff? So I weighed it a lot. I decided to do it because I wanted to do comedy stuff so bad." — James Brolin, on appearing in the raunchy comedy The Goods, starring Jeremy Piven. [LA Times]
• "My humor isn't meant to be mean or hurt anyone. But it's to make them uncomfortable and laugh. I like making people feel a different range of emotions. I like to make people a bit confused." — Charlyne Yi. [USA Today]
• "If I'm honest, I don't think I'll ever be totally free from that. It's much more under control but food for me will never be easy. I used it as a shield. It was a way to fend off rejection: you'll never want me, look how fat I am. I'll be the fat, funny one." — Sharon Osbourne, on her bulimia and food addictions. [Daily Express]
• "I worked with such amazingly talented people that just a brush stroke would change my face a little bit. I looked at myself in the mirror one day and I didn't really realise we were doing the older Clare that day and I said 'Oh, I'm looking a little haggard', before being told it was paint." — Rachel McAdams on playing all different ages in The Time Traveller's Wife. [Mirror]
• "I'm a successful woman, in the public eye, and raising a kid by myself. It can leave guys feeling like, 'Damn, how can I have a chance?' Just be a man!" — Taraji P. Henson, to Men's Fitness. She looks hot in the snaps at the link. [Gatecrasher]
• "There was a very funny thread on a message board somewhere online that said, 'Yeah, well, they obviously Photoshopped it, because who would sit in water all day for a photo shoot?' Well, no… [Laughs.] I sat in a giant tank of water for a solid Saturday, and it was kind of fun, actually. I mean, once you're wet, you're wet. You don't get any more wet. So you're just kind of like, 'All right, here we are.' And it was a bunch of crewmembers and waiters and an incredibly skillfully constructed set, and I think a pretty cool image that they got out of it as well. I'm sure they could have done some kind of photo trickery, but this makes for a better story, and it's way cooler to go build it and do it for reals. I think online, there's a time-lapse image of it filling up, too." — Jon Hamm, on the promotional photo for Mad Men's third season, in which he is sitting in a room full of water. [AV Club] 
• "I'm very religious. I'm a big Christian girl. I kinda wanted to keep those values a little bit. I haven't told my dad [I posed for Playboy] yet. I might not tell him. My mom was so excited she was just, like, pose! God gave you that body, you show off that cute little thing." — Heidi Montag. [Extra]

Yes, "husband doofiness" can put a real strain on a marriage. And, just like we discussed yesterday, can you imagine what would happen if you replaced the man in these ads with a woman? If the wife were portrayed as the bumbling idiot and the husband was constantly rolling his eyes? It would be so very 1950s, and so very offensive. Even stranger is how in beer and deodorant commercials, guys are fun and carefree — because they're single. In diamond commercials, men are romantic and loving. But in household product commercials? Men are ignoramuses who must be saved by savvy wives.

Anyway: Hey! Look who's one of 10 Screenwriters to Watch!

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Doofy Husbands [Current]
Emily Halpern & Sarah Haskins [Variety]
Earlier: All Sarah Haskins Posts
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins
Related: Channeling Stereotypes Of Men & Women On TV

Hair care commercials are super serious! Or filled with questions we would ask, if we weren't so "hair-stupid." By the way, you spend your time flipping and swirling your tresses under a spotlight, don't you? Of course you do. Check out the hare-brained ads in the clip, below:





Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Hair [Current]
Earlier: Sarah Haskins posts
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Charm School [Current]

Earlier: All Sarah Haskins Posts
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

Even when they have the buying power, women are damsels in distress! Clip below.

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Story Time [Current]

Earlier: Me-Ouch! Sarah Haskins Gets Catty About TV Cougars
Sarah Haskins: "Laundry. It's The Woman's Drug Of Choice"
Sarah Haskins On Michelle Obama's Arms: Welcome To The Pun Show
Sarah Haskins Tackles Tough Love
Sarah Haskins Helps Women Name Their Lady Parts
Sarah Haskins Explains The Sheer Evil Of Carl's Jr. Ads
Sarah Haskins Learns Valuable Lessons From Busty Blonde: Barbie
Sarah Haskins Overwhelmed By Oscars "Ex-Plosion"
Sarah Haskins Calls Out Jez Commenters
New Year, New You: Sarah Haskins Teaches You How To Diet
Sarah Haskins Wishes You Happy Period Control
Diamonds Are Not Sarah Haskins' Best Friend
Sarah Haskins Worries That Ann Curry's Life Is In Danger
Car Commercials Drive Sarah Haskins Crazy
Sarah Haskins Takes On The Disney Princesses
Sarah Haskins: Fiber Is Secret Code For Making You Poop
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

Yes, the "cougar" lady participating on this shitshow - who, by the way, is 40 - says it is "really empowering" to have all of these guys vying for her attention. As Haskins points out, "Age ain't nothing but a number. A really awkward number." But! As Barbara Kantrowitz and Pat Wingert ask in Newsweek, "Do 50-year-old women really want the sex life they had at age 25?" No one cares! They're too busy making up animal names with which they can describe the chicks — er, LADIES. Clip below.

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: The Cougar [Current]
Counter-Cougar Thinking [Newsweek]
Earlier: Sarah Haskins: "Laundry. It's The Woman's Drug Of Choice"
Sarah Haskins On Michelle Obama's Arms: Welcome To The Pun Show
Sarah Haskins Tackles Tough Love
Sarah Haskins Helps Women Name Their Lady Parts
Sarah Haskins Explains The Sheer Evil Of Carl's Jr. Ads
Sarah Haskins Learns Valuable Lessons From Busty Blonde: Barbie
Sarah Haskins Overwhelmed By Oscars "Ex-Plosion"
Sarah Haskins Calls Out Jez Commenters
New Year, New You: Sarah Haskins Teaches You How To Diet
Sarah Haskins Wishes You Happy Period Control
Diamonds Are Not Sarah Haskins' Best Friend
Sarah Haskins Worries That Ann Curry's Life Is In Danger
Car Commercials Drive Sarah Haskins Crazy
Sarah Haskins Takes On The Disney Princesses
Sarah Haskins: Fiber Is Secret Code For Making You Poop
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

Haskins notes that the soap pushers make laundry seem like the most amazing thing you can do. And notice how there are never any men in the ads? Clip below.

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Laundry [Current]
Earlier: Sarah Haskins On Michelle Obama's Arms: Welcome To The Pun Show
Sarah Haskins Tackles Tough Love
Sarah Haskins Helps Women Name Their Lady Parts
Sarah Haskins Explains The Sheer Evil Of Carl's Jr. Ads
Sarah Haskins Learns Valuable Lessons From Busty Blonde: Barbie
Sarah Haskins Overwhelmed By Oscars "Ex-Plosion"
Sarah Haskins Calls Out Jez Commenters
New Year, New You: Sarah Haskins Teaches You How To Diet
Sarah Haskins Wishes You Happy Period Control
Diamonds Are Not Sarah Haskins' Best Friend
Sarah Haskins Worries That Ann Curry's Life Is In Danger
Car Commercials Drive Sarah Haskins Crazy
Sarah Haskins Takes On The Disney Princesses
Sarah Haskins: Fiber Is Secret Code For Making You Poop
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

"We need to express out opinions about blatant arm nudity! Luckily, the first amendment protects our right to sound super dumb in man-on-the-street interviews." It's a Target:Women full of extremities, below.

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Obama Arms [Current]
Earlier:
Sarah Haskins Tackles Tough Love
Sarah Haskins Helps Women Name Their Lady Parts
Sarah Haskins Explains The Sheer Evil Of Carl's Jr. Ads
Sarah Haskins Learns Valuable Lessons From Busty Blonde: Barbie
Sarah Haskins Overwhelmed By Oscars "Ex-Plosion"
Sarah Haskins Calls Out Jez Commenters
New Year, New You: Sarah Haskins Teaches You How To Diet
Sarah Haskins Wishes You Happy Period Control
Diamonds Are Not Sarah Haskins' Best Friend
Sarah Haskins Worries That Ann Curry's Life Is In Danger
Car Commercials Drive Sarah Haskins Crazy
Sarah Haskins Takes On The Disney Princesses
Sarah Haskins: Fiber Is Secret Code For Making You Poop
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

Duh: Drugs make everything better! "Just look! Drugs bring color, nicer outifts and color back into our lives," Haskins says. Clip below.

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Medicine [Current]
Earlier: Sarah Haskins Tackles Tough Love
Sarah Haskins Helps Women Name Their Lady Parts
Sarah Haskins Explains The Sheer Evil Of Carl's Jr. Ads
Sarah Haskins Learns Valuable Lessons From Busty Blonde: Barbie
Sarah Haskins Overwhelmed By Oscars "Ex-Plosion"
Sarah Haskins Calls Out Jez Commenters
New Year, New You: Sarah Haskins Teaches You How To Diet
Sarah Haskins Wishes You Happy Period Control
Diamonds Are Not Sarah Haskins' Best Friend
Sarah Haskins Worries That Ann Curry's Life Is In Danger
Car Commercials Drive Sarah Haskins Crazy
Sarah Haskins Takes On The Disney Princesses
Sarah Haskins: Fiber Is Secret Code For Making You Poop
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

Host Steve Ward can help. And if you follow his rules, you can meet a "catch" who is passionate about marketing. Score! Clip below.

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Tough Love [Current]

Earlier: Sarah Haskins Helps Women Name Their Lady Parts
Sarah Haskins Explains The Sheer Evil Of Carl's Jr. Ads
Sarah Haskins Learns Valuable Lessons From Busty Blonde: Barbie
Sarah Haskins Overwhelmed By Oscars "Ex-Plosion"
Sarah Haskins Calls Out Jez Commenters
New Year, New You: Sarah Haskins Teaches You How To Diet
Sarah Haskins Wishes You Happy Period Control
Diamonds Are Not Sarah Haskins' Best Friend
Sarah Haskins Worries That Ann Curry's Life Is In Danger
Car Commercials Drive Sarah Haskins Crazy
Sarah Haskins Takes On The Disney Princesses
Sarah Haskins: Fiber Is Secret Code For Making You Poop
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

In the clip at left, Haskins takes a look at the Schick Quattro ads in which ladies trim their bush, Australian ads where a woman is shown frolicking with her beaver, and a tampon commercial that depicts Mother Nature delivering her monthly gift in person. Clearly, we must devise natural metaphors for our vaginas, for, as Haskins explains, "we are ladies and when our delicate lady parts are mentioned we cannot bear it." Which is why, at her suggestion, we will now only refer to our genitalia as our "Sarlacc the sand pit from Return of the Jedi."

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Your Garden [Current]

Earlier: Schick Quattro Ads Are About As Subtle As Bai Ling's Wardrobe
Leave It To Beaver
Feminine Hygiene Commercials Are Rarely Genius
Sarah Haskins Overwhelmed By Oscars "Ex-Plosion"
Sarah Haskins Calls Out Jez Commenters
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins
Sarah Haskins Worries That Ann Curry's Life Is In Danger
New Year, New You: Sarah Haskins Teaches You How To Diet
Sarah Haskins Wishes You Happy Period Control
Sarah Haskins Targets The View
Sarah Haskins Has A Problem With Marketing Family Meals To Moms
Brides, Botox & Yogurt: Sarah Haskins Targets Those Who Target Women

There's the one where the dude is can't take his eyes off a woman, and that woman is not the one he is with. Or the one where the guy uses some "passive-aggressive misdirection" on his ladyfriend. Or the one where the woman annoyingly nags the guy who is just trying to eat his giant, calorie laden sandwich. In this video, Sarah Haskins totally skewers Carl's Jr. while scoring points for epic use of the word "douche."

Sarah Haskins In Target Women: Carl's Jr. [Current]

Earlier: Sarah Haskins Learns Valuable Lessons From Busty Blonde: Barbie
Sarah Haskins Overwhelmed By Oscars "Ex-Plosion"
Sarah Haskins Calls Out Jez Commenters
New Year, New You: Sarah Haskins Teaches You How To Diet
Sarah Haskins Wishes You Happy Period Control
Diamonds Are Not Sarah Haskins' Best Friend
Sarah Haskins Worries That Ann Curry's Life Is In Danger
Car Commercials Drive Sarah Haskins Crazy
Sarah Haskins Takes On The Disney Princesses
Sarah Haskins: Fiber Is Secret Code For Making You Poop
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins