Jezebel: sarah dimuro

How 'Jane' Virgin Sarah DiMuro Does Not Want To Lose Her Virginity

Moe — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 18:43:03 EDT

So did you check out 'Modern Love' in the New York Times over the weekend? The one with the 25-year-old virgin who works at an abortion clinic and gets jealous when her friends have pregnancy scares? Because she feels like a lack of sex, although not a big deal, is a really big deal? That is trapping her in childhood and preventing her from being a "real woman"? So she goes on the pill, for the hormones or something, and finally gets laid? But doesn't feel good until the moment after she takes the pregnancy test we all know the result of, in that moment before she actually knows the result, because she doesn't necessarily believe she isn't pregnant, even though she couldn't have sex before she took pills that would prevent her from being so? Wait, what?? We tracked down the one woman we thought might be able to shed some light on Kate McGovern's situation, renowned virginity expert — and 30-year-old virgin — Jane virginity bloggerSarah DiMuro. Her thoughts:

I read this in Bryant Park and I was just like, whooah. I'm biased, but I feel like she didn't help herself by actually having sex. It as weird to me that she felt 'not like a woman' before. On one hand she's surrounded by sex because she works at Planned Parenthood and she claims to have this really clinical view of sex, where she says it's a technicality, but then she says it's really important. For most of the column I was thinking she didn't really want it.

And then she has sex only after she went on the pill, and she said she had hormones raging through her that she didn't need. But clearly, you know, she was paranoid. I wonder if she went to Wellesley, they're all a bit unbalanced over there. I was really looking to relate to this, but it was hard. I mean, she was a late bloomer and I could relate to that, but she said when she posted on Craigslist she was surprised by all the guys who emailed her saying, you know, wait, save it for something special. That didn't surprise me. The thing is she has this really clinical viewpoint on sex but she's not having it, and yet she surrounds herself with it all the time; I think she probably doesn't even know what she thinks. I was thinking, she probably thinks about sex when she goes into McDonald's and thinks, "Oh my god, everyone in the world is having sex but me." She's thinking about sex all the time and never having it, so she doesn't know what she thinks, it's like a puzzle. I thought it was weird that she had lied to people in her life about being a virgin. I love telling people, like my gynecologist, it's like this crazy thing! So whatever, then she goes and tells Sabrina, who's cleaning out the uterus vacuum, and she totally puts Sabrina on this pedestal and Sabrina could not give a shit whether she's a virgin or not, which you think is going to be the point, and then in the last line she has sex and has that pregnancy "scare" and says she's finally "the woman I wanted to be." That was like the creepiest line ever. This girl totally needs to be in therapy. Hey, I'm in therapy! Everyone should be in therapy! But I really hope that she's talking to someone.

My Virginity Went From Choice To Burden [NY Times]

Moe's Date With 'Jane' Magazine's Virginal Dating Blogger Sarah DiMuro

Anna — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 16:43:18 EDT

Last Thursday I had a date with Sarah DiMuro, the 30 year old virgin-on-hiatus from her role as the Jane Magazine 30 year old virgin. We didn't have sex, though she gave me a hug (I think I initiated it) but she's not the kind of girl you really want to hug, not because she isn't warm and genuine, but because she's really fucking skinny — like, sub-100 pounds skinny, and I didn't want to break her with any help from my tremendous heft. Of course, she's also one of those skinny people who will make the flagrantly-false statement "But I'm the same size as you you!", which is the sort of assertion so absurd that anorexics know not to make it. So I'm going with "naturally thin."

Sarah had some chips and a giant margarita at the cheesy Mexican place at which we met (her choice, but she was apologetic!) which was enough to give her some calories, but not enough to make her puke. Anyway again! Abstaining from FOOD isn't this girl's disorder! Sex is, or rather, how she still hasn't had it. Sarah is not only pretty - violent acne kept her away from men for her first 22 years, but her skin is utterly flawless now, little whore! — she's funny. Funny enough that she does stand-up comedy, which is how this whole Jane thing originated, as a stand-up routine that sort of, needless to say, spiraled out of control.

Because I was looking for a long-term relationship with Sarah and not a one-night stand (translation: I = a pussy) I did not ask certain things of Sarah that were on my mind, like where she'd been sexually on the 1st-to home-base scale, or if she'd allow us to have her hymen tested [Good god. -Ed.], or if she was one of those virgins who was paranoid enough to have been tested for HIV the first time she felt a penis. She offered that she enjoys porn, but I didn't watch any with her.

At this point, I must say, I was pretty drunk, but I do remember that over the course of the evening Sarah kept reminding me of all the facts one could glean about oneself if one were so resourceful as to type a name into Google. This is not the fault of either of us: I have an almost preposterously Google-able name. If I dated curious, ambitious, thin types like Sarah DiMuro, instead of the fleshy, slacker-drunks I so clearly prefer, I might be forced to have actual conversations with people, about things I have written, which would be tolerable if my drunk mind had any concept what its sober counterpart was up to during the day. (I wrote a story about Dave Chappelle? Really? I knew I liked that guy..)

About then I probably forgot what I was doing there. I knew we were not there to have sex, since, well, she's a virgin and females aren't my type anyway. I remembered she lives in a women's residence from which men who are not family members are totally banned. "I call it the convent," she said. "I know people whose boyfriends have worn wigs, who've climbed in through fire escapes..." It was entertaining, stories of the convent, and her neighbor the snitch, and yet: why does she still live there? She lives there, she said, because it is easy, and in the West Village, and they prepare two meals a day for all residents, which prompted my mind to again wander toward the less-fascinating mystery of why Sarah DiMuro was so thin.

About three quarters of the way through the conversation I received a text message from a newly-unemployed guy I sleep with sometimes and found myself telling Sarah about it.

Her: "Do you always know at first when you're going to, you know, like someone?"

Me: "Well I knew pretty instantly we were probably going to have sex at some point."

Her: "See, I don't always know right at first if I'm going to.."

Me: "Not have sex with them! Haha."

Her: "For awhile I was really into Asian guys. I mean, that was, like, my thing. I don't know why."

I babbled about something. It's not a fun thing to visualize a 30-year-old virgin messing around with someone, even if she's a perfectly able messer-arounder, but nevertheless I visualized her with Harold from Harold and Kumar, since I figured that was probably who she was talking about, and it made sense, having been a big nerd all her life; maybe she fantasized about a Korean lab partner back in high school; huh. Babble babble babble I went, explaining how she should explore her thing, and that even I didn't like to have sex RIGHT away, that I thought it was better, as a rule, to get in at least one good non-physcial drinking session to make sure that you were actually compatible with someone's personality...

Her: "See, I find that usually when I get really physical right away, it's because I've been drinking. So I try not to drink so much."

At which point I was stumped. I mean, what do you say? If I'd had a non-drunk control group from which I was working in the years I was out trying to lose my virginity, I'd probably still be a virgin myself. On the other hand, she's dating someone steadily now (whom she calls "Cute Blond"), and he probably doesn't want to do it yet. He wants everything to be comfortable, I'd assume; except that too comfortable isn't going to get anyone in the mood either, especially without alcohol. Sigh. Also: Cute Blond isn't Asian. So she was not only trying to lose it sober, she was trying to go off-type. Tough.

"I just need to take time off from the question," she concluded. Which was true: if a year's worth of pressure hadn't gotten her laid, maybe pressure wasn't, for once, the answer. She had signed up to do the blog — for no money, in fact! Though they have offered to pay $12 a post — as a sort of career move, a builder of buzz for Brand Sarah Dimuro, and it had wound up brushing up against her identity to a degree that was uncomfortable, even to a pretty conscientious careerist. I wanted to tell her to move out of this town, and take a job waiting tables somewhere, to smoke a lot of pot. She had gone about her twenties like the high school dork that she was, the excruciatingly-shy introvert who confronts her deepest fears by performing stand-up in front of heckling strangers. It was pretty awesome of her. But sex is different. It's like, life, or something.

"My goal is, at some point, to host a show," she told me. I nodded because I believe she could be really great at that, though I'd want her to stop being a virgin first, and maybe put on some weight.

She continued: "I just know I'd be good at it. What's your big goal, with all of this? Jezebel? Seriously. I know you have goals."

"Oh God," I said.

"I don't think I look beyond the next post."

[OK ANNA, ONTO THE NEXT POST!!]

Vagina Monoblogs: Real Estate Mogul Alyssa Shelasky Moves In With Parents

Moe — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 13:27:26 EDT

Virgin Chronicler Sarah DiMuro's BFF thinks Cute Blond May Be 'The One.' Which means: 1. Her blog is about to become even more boring than Alyssacentric 2. She will get laid in time for....the Beijing Olympics?
Alyssa Shelasky goes on and on about moustaches and Los Angeles and her perfect credit score and posts a picture wherein her fivehead looks extra-extra XXL so as to obscure the hilarious fact that she feels "slightly lame" about the fact that she is moving into her parents' DUMBO loft. [Alyssacentric]
Wash City Paper blogger Mel B. makes the dubious assertion that burlesque is back because it is hot. But it's just so... goth or something. [About Last Night]
One D At A Time sparks controversy by wondering whether we think it's rude when a dude wipes off his D with a sock before using it to de-splooge the, er, areas his D was actually aiming at. We'd vote yes, and append: Also, if we were able to tell you how big your D was while it was actually crammed in our mouth, it would not actually be a true statement. Thank you. [One D AT A Time]

"Amazing Girls" Profiled In 'Times' Way Too Self-Actualized, Unmaterialistic For Selective Schools

Moe — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 10:14:35 EDT

We will save you the inevitable reading of yesterday's profoundly pointless Times story on the amazing girls of Newton, Mass who get rejection letters — inevitable because the customer base for this story, which is to say, overcapitalized parents whose willingness to do fucking anything to get their kids into an ever widening sliver of elite colleges is finally this month stymied by a barrage of thin envelopes (ha, catch that? we called them a 'customer base'! Such CYNICS, us bloggers! ) will probably push it past the one about training training husbands as if they were less intelligent, seafaring mammals being the key to happiness for longest stint on the 'Most Emailed List'. I mean, you did get bored enough to read 'What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage, right?

After the jump, the Times tries to turn 'anorexia of the soul' into the new, er... anorex'ia, and subtly suggests that while dragging your overeducated kids to church may make them less materialistic and more empathetic to Times readers, they will still cry when they get rejected from Williams.

The girls have clearly read other stories on the Most E-mailed list, specifically the one about that classy sorority that evicted all its fat members at DePauw, as evidenced by the healthy priorities of Kat Jiang, who scored an apparently 'perfect' 2,400 points on her SAT:

"It's out of style to admit it, but it is more important to be hot than smart."
"Effortlessly hot," Kat added.

Even in Newton, Massachusetts, where Baptists like Esther Mobley have best friends who are Jews and moms who are public defenders and don't take their husband's names, Christians still have weird senses of humor:

About 2 pm, a text message flashed across her cellphone from Gabe Gladstone, a co-captain of mock trial: "Where are you?" Esther, a key member of the group, was needed at the meeting.
Esther messaged back: "I'm feeding the homeless, I'll come when God's work is done."

Forget sexual tension: "amazing girls" get "intellectual tension"! With theater dudes! Remember name-dropping philosophers? We think we used to be that nerdy, but we have killed all the brain cells that contained those memories. And ugh, whoever the fuck "Hume" was. Suffice it to say, Esther is not getting laid right now.

"One of the most attractive things about Esther is how smart she is," said Dan, whose mother is a professor at Harvard Business School. "There's always been this intellectual tension between us. I see why she likes Kierkegaard — he's existential, but still Christian. She really likes Descartes. I'm not so into Descartes. really like Hume, Nietzche, the existentialist authors.

Oh, rock the shocker, Dan gets into Harvard! Esther has to settle for Smith. The alma mater of Jane 30-year-old Virgin Sarah DiMuro!

More realllly boring follow-ups await.

For Girls, It's Be Yourself, And Be Perfect Too [Times]

Vagina Monoblogs Primer: Last Season In Planet Virgin

Moe — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 17:03:44 EDT

Wherein we recap the goings-on in the lives of the nation's various confessional ladybloggers and their experiences with love, sex, dating, and...in this case, uh, celibacy.

Oh, Sarah DiMuro, you are a riddle wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside a really bad episode of Saved By The Bell. The life of Sarah DiMuro will appeal to that under-served readership that is good at high-pressure sales and likes to perform stand-up comedy before hundreds of jeering New Yorkers but understandably has never found the cojones necessary to tolerate a little bout of finger-banging. Which is to say, the appeal lies more in the sociological sense, with the Virgin of Virgin Chronicles resembling, in New York, something like a less-introspective Alf, or a blogging Mr. Ed, in that there are things that happen to her that sooooooooo much funnier because she really can't possibly be a member of the human race:

Or you meet a guy and he seems cool until he starts making everything dirty. Like, you say you wanna get something to eat and he says, "Yeah baby, let's eat, let's eat right now," in a really creepy, phone sex tone. Or you wanna go for a run "Yeah let's go for a run, let's run hard baby."

Tall Guy sat down he started in with the questions. "Ever been date raped? When you are masturbating do you think about men or women? Are you just some sort of narcissistic bitch doing this to get off?" He then told me he had been date raped at a young age. To which I said, "are you serious?" and he said, "of course." A bit later he revealed he wasn't really date raped but knowing I am a comedienne he thought I would toss back jokes about date rape.

WHAT YOU MISSED LAST SEASON: Just about 67 dates, at such venues as Applebees and Disney World, with mostly twentysomething men to which Sarah gives such endearing nicknames as "Tall Cutie," "Cornell Cutie," "Cutie Pie," and "Cute Guy." Sarah invariably is attracted to men she describes as "cute."

SHE GOT TO FIRST AND A HALF BASE: By February, Penn Pete has engaged our heroine in a margarita-addled makeout session that culminates in Sarah passing out and losing what she terms her "chicken cutlet" - a Victoria's Secret falsie. Penn Pete mentions that he hasn't been on a date "in months" and does not call our heroine again, probably because he is busy masturbating, but it's a shame because Penn Pete seems to elicit a girlishness from Sarah that she otherwise kind of lacks. He is also Asian, but Sarah, as usual, does not draw any conclusions from the encounter, or from any of her encounters...

WHICH COULD BE BECAUSE SHE SEEMS TO BLACK OUT. A LOT: Sarah's drinking habits sort of remind us of those of a college-aged Jenna Bush, in that they would be perfectly appropriate in someone with about 100 more pounds of body mass, but Sarah, who has a physique akin to that of Sheryl Crow, is constantly doing things like "inadvertently" losing weight (another thing to which you readers can relate!) so her eyes tend to be bigger than her stomach.

THE CENTRAL CONFLICT: Sarah uses the word "spark" approximately a jillion times in her blog and "chemistry" approximately a gazillion, not only because her writing is inveterately awful but because she is obsessively searching for "spark" or "chemistry" without actually, we think, giving her encounters the proper marinating period. (This is perhaps because she is covertly trying to learn from the blog of Alysslut Shelasky, who likes to credit "chemistry" for some of her sluttier decisions, like the time she spied a hot stranger across a room and decided to visit him in Brussels). But Sarah's problem is that she seems profoundly distracted by all the free shit she's getting for going on dates. As with a second grader during the holidays, the Wii under the tree can obscure or distract from her parents' affections, or lack thereof. And so while she's thinking of every date as a win-win situation - since either way, he always pays! - dudes everywhere are spreading the word that she's fucking autistic...have you heard the way she talks about the movie Bottle Rocket?

ADVICE TO DUDES TRYING TO NAIL SARAH: Don't pay for anything. Do switch her DVD of Bottle Rocket for a DVD of Stella Shorts; Sarah is too in touch with her inner seven year old schoolmarm and not enough with her inner nine-year-old boy. Do buy a six-pack. Don't buy margaritas.

Keeping Score On The Jane Magazine Virgin

Anna — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 14:50:14 EST

For the past couple months, Jane Magazine has been publishing a blog on its website written by one Sarah Di Muro, who details her quest to get laid for the first time at age 29.

In today's installment, Sarah chronicles her recent dalliances with Michigan Man (whom she met online and then paired up with in person in a Manhattan Starbucks) and Cute Blonde (whom she's seen once already). Because it's always difficult for a girl in the midst of a dating binge to see things clearly, we've decided to help Sarah on her quest by keeping score.

1st Inning: Michigan Man tells Sarah he's a Mets fan but also "appreciates the Red Sox". This makes Sarah happy. Our Call: Foul ball. Of course he appreciates the Red Sox, Sarah: haven't you ever heard of Bill "Fucking" Buckner???

2nd Inning: Michigan Man tells Sarah the first thing he looks at in a woman when he's dating online is her appearance; confesses his distaste for girls who live at home with their mothers and/or go out drinking every night. Our Call: Bloop single. Sarah, it's good that he's honest, but it sounds like the date was all about what he likes and wants, with an accompanying track of "Totally"s and "I bet"s provided by you. Assert yourself!

3rd Inning: After drinking mojitos and parting for the night, Sarah confesses that Michigan Man "is 26 and just seems so carefree." Our Call: Change-up. There's a reason for him being so carefree, Sarah. He's 26, cute, and he works in finance. Watch your back.

4th Inning: More news on Cute Blonde: He and Sarah are going to see Julianne Moore on Broadway this Friday. Sarah coos over the way Cute Blonde asks her out, writing "Hi Miss DiMuro, I would like to have a date with you sometime soon. I'm feeling more mature than I did last year and I'm only a few days into 32. When are you free?". Our Call: Pitching change. What: he couldn't call you to ask you out?

5th Inning: Sarah confesses that "maybe, MAYBE" she can meet someone online with whom she has an "immediate sexual connection." Our Call: Swing harder! Online dating isn't about Maybes, Sarah: It's about a few beers, a couple condoms in your pocket, and a cute outfit. If you're looking for real love, you're probably looking in the wrong place.

The Date-A-Thon Continues[Jane Magazine]

Who needs condoms?

eurotrash — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 12:47:54 EST

Poor Brandon Holley. Having given astoundingly unfunny 'comic' Sarah DiMuro a whole three months in which to lose her virginity and win a book deal after blogging her efforts, the Jane Magazine editor finds herself saddled with someone who couldn't apparently lose her virginity if she laid naked on the cobbles of the Meatpacking district on a Friday night. Worse still, DiMuro is strictly of the 'I had a grilled cheese sandwhich for lunch and gee I hate my mom' species of blogger. Witness:

"Have you ever been so ashamed of yourself you just wanted to die? Well, here is a doozy that'll make you hate me. I went out with a friend of mine last Thursday and while I was sitting at the bar this cute guy started talking to me. He was funny, great smile and we joked around for a bit. Then, THEN I got up to go to the bathroom and discovered he was about 3 inches shorter than me. I couldn't help it; I just lost interest. I know, I know: 'My name is Sarah DiMuro and I've entered Phase: Vain in my dating arc.'"

And so, a month after the deadline that would have provided the only dramatic hook to her now surely never-to-be book deal, Sarah sits there amongst the rolling cyber tumbleweeds, her private parts determinedly un-penetrated, fornlornly blogging into the void.

Brandon, just give the girl a super-absorbent tampon and let nature take its course. For all our sakes.