(In reference to this Onion article.)

[Los Angeles, August 25. Image via INF]

• Lindsay Lohan's Hollywood home was burglarized over the weekend. Dina Lohan says:

"The safe was ripped out of the wall, and the door was off the hinges and door handles removed. Bags, shoes and jewelry were taken too. Thank God she wasn't home." Well, if she'd been home, they might not have broken in? Anyway Dina says Lindsay is "Okay, but upset." [People]

• A source says that surveillance video caught the men who broke into Lindsay's house on tape, and cops are investigating. Michael Lohan thinks it's an inside job, since the people that work for Lindsay didn't turn the alarm on. [TMZ]
• Ryan Jenkins, 32, the reality star suspect accused of killing his ex-wife, was found dead in a motel room in a Canadian town called Hope. An unidentified woman checked in for Jenkins and paid cash; cops have seized the slip of information she filled out for the room. [Vancouver Sun]
• An employee at the Thunderbird Motel says Ryan Jenkins was not recognizable: "In no way shape or form did he look like the man on TV. He looked spent." [AP]
• Before she hit the stage with her Miss Universe performance, Heidi Montag said: "I think people don't know what to expect, and how can they? It's my first performance live and it's in front of a billion eyes. So I'm very excited to show everyone what I'm coming with. I'm very excited for everybody to see this." And: "I think a lot of people are expecting something very different." If by "different" you mean "stilted" and "bad" then, yeah. [AP]
• Oprah wants to throw a giant party for the 10th anniversary of her magazine, and she'd like to shut down portions of the West Side Highway in NYC for the bash. [NY Post]
• "After Alec Baldwin told Playboy he might run against Joe Lieberman, the Connecticut senator replied, 'make my day.'" [Politico]
• Michael Jackson's kids spent the weekend in Las Vegas at the Palms Casino Resort, drinking virgin strawberry-banana daiquiris and playing in the pool. Grandma Katherine Jackson watched pool-side, with a friend and a nanny. [People]
• Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin snapped up the house next door to theirs in London and are creating a "£7million superhouse with 33 rooms." [Daily Mail]
• Sophia Bush was trying to hail a cab yesterday when she "accidentally flung" her arm into a woman passing by on a bicycle, knocking the woman to the ground. Sophia apologized and helped the woman up; the woman rode away. [UPI]
• Amy Winehouse performed with The Specials on Saturday night and it seems to have reinvigorated her! She says: "It's great to be back. I absolutely loved it out there. The fans and the atmosphere were great. It wasn't planned at all. I just went out and did it. I want to do my own gigs now." Video of Amy singing with the band at the link. [The Sun]
• Milla Jovovich married director Paul W.S. Anderson in Beverly Hills on Saturday, walking down the aisle of the backyard of the couple's Spanish-style house. The reception included cuban music and cake. [People]
• You can peep Milla's dress here. [E!]
• Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton will resign from working at her parents' internet party supply business at the end of the year and concentrate on photography. She'll head to New York for 2 weeks in January to work with Count Nikolai von Bismarck, who has trained with Annie Leibovitz. A source says: "It wouldn't be fitting for a future Queen to run a party website." [Daily Mail]
• Emma Roberts' boyfriend's neck is covered in hickeys. [Page Six]
• Khloé Kardashian is guest blogging for Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth while Ted is on vacation. [E!]
• Terrence J, the dude Khloé Kardashian kissed one drunken night, says: "We are just friends. Neither one of us remembers the kiss. We were trying to remember who kissed whom first and we have both agreed to agree that it was just a long night where we both had some drinks and shared a good time." This lapse in memory could be due to booze or the fact that Terrence is in a relationship and is "very much in love." [People]
• Sources claim that Doug Reinhardt has been "begging" MTV producers for a contract and wants very badly to be on The Hills, but the network is not interested. [Page Six]
• Oasis cancelled their appearance at V Fest over the weekend because Liam Gallagher had laryngitis; Snow Patrol stepped in. [The Sun]
• Joan Jett is suing Jacqueline Fuchs, former bassist in The Runaways, who is trying to have the movie about The Runaways stopped and has demanded to see the script — even though there is no character based on her. [UPI]
• Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos cheered on 8-year-old daughter Lola, who was riding at the 34th Annual Hampton Classic Horse show on Sunday. Kelly says: "She's so dedicated that she misses everything else in the summer so she can go riding!" [Gatecrasher]
• Spotted: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer, househunting in Santa Monica. [Gatecrasher]
• Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig are in rehearsals for the Broadway play A Steady Rain, and the author, Kevin Huff, can't believe his good fortune: "These guys are in the prime of their careers," he says. "It's my understanding they're turning down movies to do this. I'm very lucky." [NY Daily News]
• The Rachel Zoe Project returns tonight, and this review says it "remains reliably bitchy television." [NY Daily News]
• Diablo Cody is on the cover of Inked magazine, and admits that she once was at a party with Robert Pattinson and didn't recognize him: "He's a beautiful man and I would certainly recognize him now… He wouldn't remember this happening. I honestly just went up and borrowed a light from him and I couldn't understand why there was this vibration in the crowd like, You're talking to him! I thought, You mean that guy with the cigarettes? Aw, this sounds terrible." [Inked]
• Shed a tear on your bearskin rug: The Burt Reynolds Museum may be closing. [UPI]
• A Texas blogger being sued by the mother of Anna Nicole Smith faces contempt of court for not turning in her computer. [UPI]
• Sophie Dahl and Jamie Cullum have chosen their wedding date and location: July 2010, at Hunton Park estate – a mansion set in 22 acres of parkland in Hertfordshire. Looks lush and amazing! [Daily Mail]
• "Rehab, drinking, Courtney Love, Owen Wilson's 'overdose': Steve Coogan confesses all." [Daily Mail]
• Former KISS guitarist Vinnie Vincent is suing the band and A&E television network for using his image without his permission. [TMZ]
• "'I want to marry again because I miss the sex' — Jerry Hall reveals she's on the lookout for love." [Daily Mail]
• Messy divorce news: David Alan Grier is seeking joint custody of his one-year-old daughter and looking to deny his estranged wife Christine Kim any spousal support. Christine was sole custody. [UPI]
• Blind item! "Which reality TV women party so hard every night that reporters gripe the ladies don't get out of bed to do phone interviews in the day?" [Page Six]
• "I was born on December 13, I was 13 when I got my first record deal and my Twitter name is taylorswift13. My first single, Tim McGraw, had a 13-second intro, and every time something good happens, 13 is involved. If I ever get a tattoo it will be '13.'" — Taylor Swift. [Daily Mail]
• "When Ally McBeal started, I went 'Oh, my God,' it's like what I was doing. Bridget Jones was in the same vein. I identify with all of them. We all can." — Melanie Mayron, who played a redheaded photographer, an "independent, creative, quirky and funny" single woman in her 30s on thirtysomething. [LA Times]
• "After two dance sessions, I can tell you Cheryl Burke is the most patient person I have ever met." — Dancing With The Stars contestant and former Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "I wouldn't want to be 20 again for anything. I am much happier now than when I was younger. You have to discover who you are, who you are going to be, there are so many insecurities. Today, I know the things that I need, the things that I can live without." — Monica Bellucci. [Daily Mail]
• Q: So you're not getting married any time soon? A: "No, we're not into that. I think we have some sort of thing in California? What's it called? The civil equality or something. Domestic partnership! They sent us a piece of paper and it's like, oh, now what? She has her health insurance, I have mine. I'd put her on mine, but you know it's too much paperwork. We'll get around to it." — Sandra Bernhard on her girlfriend, with whom she's been with for 10 years. [LA Times]

The "One Poll," whatever that is, asked "2600 lesbians " who their hero was. No word on whether they were given free choice or given a list of "popular entertainers," although some of the picks have us leaning towards the latter. Anyway, the world's prom queen, Angelina Jolie, was rated #1, "due to her figure, physique and fashion sense. " One more hurdle cleared in the path to world domination?

The entire "top 20" list is as follows:

1. Angelina Jolie

2. Madonna

3. Pink

4. Martina Navratilova

5. Ellen DeGeneres

6. Kylie Minogue

7. Lady Gaga

8. Annie Lennox

9. Beyoncé

10. Germaine Greer

11. Liza Minnelli

12. Gwen Stefani

13. Cher

14. Janet Jackson

15. Tori Amos

16. Britney Spears

17. Cyndi Lauper

18. Scarlet Johansson

19. Sarah Jessica Parker

20. Dolly Parton

Listen, we defend any lesbian's right to lionize an asinine group of people - and hell, who doesn't love Dolly? - but we must confess to a little surprise that a list of lesbian heroes contained only two, you know, lesbians. And no offense to any of them, but we find it a little hard to believe that Sarah Jessica Parker, Liza, and ScarJo - what, no Katy Perry? - beat out the following:

- Rachel Maddow. C'mon now. Maybe it's a British poll, but we like to think some things transcend a common language. Cher did! And maybe more straight women would sleep with Angelina (since these polls are always forcing them to pull a Katy Perry), but more smart straight women would choose Maddow. And wait for it - we'd also hang out with her platonically!

- Wanda Sykes. Out, proud, ballsy, funny? We see your Britney Spears (wtf?) and raise you.

-Sandra Bernhard. You want icons? We personally think she should knock Madonna down several rungs.

-Beth Ditto. Pink's fine and all, but here's an actual activist who also happens to write her own music, be a fashion icon, and rock.

-Jeanette Winterson. We're glad Germaine Greer made the cut, but Winterson's that rare thing, a smart bestseller.

And if we want classics, sure you need Ellen and Martina, but seriously, people - what about Melissa Etheridge?

(Oh, wait, Angelina Jolie's flack just appeared at the door with a gun. We take it back.)

Angelina Jolie Is Ultimate Lesbian Heroine [Telegraph]

• Lindsay Lohan had a "meltdown" in a club in London, which involved saying:

"I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged." Then Lindsay tried to curl up in a ball on the floor. According to this report. [Mirror]

• Brad and Angie to wed??? Apparently someone sent Angelina Jolie all the press clippings about her "relationship problems," so she has decided that she and Brad should get married and put an end to the stories. A rumor about a Brangelina wedding circulates pretty much once a year, so perhaps we were overdue. [Mirror]
• BREAKING: Mariah Carey has been "stuffing her face" while making her album. "She has put on about 15 pounds, but she loves the curves," says a "source." [Page Six]
• Uh-oh: Pete Doherty was arrested in Switzerland after being found "slumped" in the bathroom of a British Airways flight with a needle. [Sunday Mail]
• The Slumdog kids danced to the movie's hit song, "Jai Ho," in a Hong Kong shopping mall on Saturday to raise money for charity. According to this report, "They sang off-key but drew an enthusiastic response." [Hindustan Times]
• Heidi and Spencer were "tortured" on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, by being held in a dark room with only water, rice and beans. Heidi was rushed to the hospital with what was diagnosed as a gastric ulcer; she has been released. If all of this is part of the Speidi attention machine, it's certainly impressive. [TMZ]
• Spencer claims he was locked up for 3 days with no food or water; producers say it was 8-10 hours max, with food and water. [TMZ]
• This report says Heidi and Spencer were in the Lost Chamber for 14 hours. [MSNBC Scoop]
• The production company behind I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here says that "All allegations of the celebrities being deprived of food and water are completely untrue." [Perez]
• Susan Boyle has signed with Ossie Kilkenny, the manager who made u2 millions. [Mirror]
• Chelsy Davy "can't wait" to see Prince Harry at a party this week. or something, This picture, in which Prince Harry's hand seems to be about to grab Prince Harry's crotch, is distracting. [Daily Mail]
• Even though Christina Ricci has called off her engagement, she and her ex-fiancé, Owen Benjamin, went to the movies Saturday night. [TMZ]
• It's hard to even understand how this is a news item, but here it is: Dancing With The Stars' Cheryl Burke has dropped some "excess" pounds and is "enjoying her new figure." [UPI]
• Brooke Shields and the National Enquirer have reached a settlement over the May incident in which two reporters checked Brooke's mom out of a nursing home to get a story. Also: The mag has agreed to make a generous donation to further research on dementia. [UPI]
• Kirsten Dunst: Returning to the Spider-Man franchise for flick number four. Will there be a Spidey wedding? [E!]
• Will Alec Baldwin, Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick and Tommy Mottola all move into the same gorgeous NYC building? [NY Times]
• Cameron Diaz says her costars on My Sister's Keeper helped her deal with the sudden death of her father: "I was really, really fortunate to have these people to come back to." [People]
• The family of David Carradine is asking the FBI to investigate the actor's death. [Us Magazine, People]
• Want details from David Carradine's death? Click away. [TMZ]
• Kate Hudson's mom, Goldie Hawn, is allegedly worried about Kate dating Alex Rodriguez. A source says: "Kate's had a string of boyfriends since her divorce from Chris Robinson and it's always the same pattern – she falls hard and fast, then gets bored or has her heart broken. Goldie hates the idea of seeing Kate getting hurt again." [Daily Mail]
• Katie "Jordan" Price is "drinking heavily, taking sleeping pills and barely eating" since splitting with husband Peter Andre. [Telegraph]
• This report shows Katie "Jordan" Price very calmly shopping with her kids. [Daily Mail]
• Baby-wipes enthusiast Terrence Howard stopped six lanes of traffic in Beverly Hills to save the life of a baby bird. [Page Six]
• Another day, another Kylie Minogue wedding rumor. This time, her man gave her a rose, so, clearly they are getting hitched. [Daily Mail]
• Will Michael Jackson try and turn his London mansion into the new Neverland? [The Sun]
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway, who were husband and wife in Brokeback Mountain, may reunite in a flick called Love and Other Drugs, an adaptation of Jamie Reidy's nonfiction book Hard Sell: The Evolution of a Viagra Salesman. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• What, what? A film adaptation of Eat, Pray, Love? With Julia Roberts and Javier Bardem? Oookay. [Variety]
• "In a PawNation poll, 70 percent of animal lovers voted Jennifer Aniston as the celeb they would trust to pet sit their furry friend." Mickey Rourke came in second. [E!]
• Patrick Dempsey has a dream, and it involves having a nice bus so he can bring his kids racing with him. [People]
• Composer Benny Andersson of ABBA has contributed one million kronor ($128,000) to the Swedish feminist initiative. [Independent Political Report]
• "She divides her time between California and Colorado, and in both places she lives 'off the grid,' with her own sources of water and power. Her homes are powered by solar panels, her toilets are compost, her cars run on leftover grease from fast-food restaurants […] She wears recycled necklaces made of boiled-down shotgun casings. She has more than 20 animals - horses, alpacas, chickens, dogs, cows - all of which are rescues…" — from a profile on Daryl Hannah. [Guardian]
• In this interview with Harry Shearer, he talks being part of Spinal Tap and The Simpsons. [LA Times]
• James Caan and Scott Caan play father and son in a new film called Mercy. [LA Times]
• Check out a portrait of Sandra Bernhard by Timothy Greenfield-Sanders (and some information about the relationship between the photographer and the comedian) here. [HuffPo]
• Ooky, spooky, kooky: Bebe Neuwirth is working on a play based on The Addams Family. Snap, snap. [Gatecrasher]
• "There is nothing more humiliating for a stutterer than to have their word or sentence finished for them. I didn't have names for these fears." — from "How I Found My Voice," an essay by Carly Simon. [The Daily Beast]
• Evan Dando of the Lemonheads is suing General Motors, saying the company copied one of his songs for an ad. Dude, have you heard? They don't have any money! You're suing the bankrupt. [AP]
• Jon Voight is suing investors who sued him. [TMZ]
• The woman who inspired the Beatles song "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" is seriously ill. [Newser]
• Blind item! "Which once prominent magazine writer/TV interviewer now appears in elegant homes wearing men's clothes and a fedora? Sighed one jaded observer, 'These days, becoming a lesbian is a career move.'" [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which sexy leading man, known for his wandering eye, recently hooked up with a pouty songstress? The raven-haired rocker is a big change from his usual choice of supermodels." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which actor is on hiatus due to a drug relapse? He claimed he needed time off because of the heartbreak of his public split, but he's actually headed to rehab." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which heartthrob actor nearly cried bloody murder when he couldn't get into a private lounge?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I don't know him. I've never really seen him in interviews either. [But] yeah, he's cute. I'm a huge fan of the Twilight series." — Kelly Clarkson hearts Robert Pattinson! And she wrote a song, "Empty As I Am," inspired by the characters, which might make it on to the New Moon soundtrack. [Mirror]
• "I have people coming up to me all the time on the street and saying, 'My daughter's gay; thank you for this.' People send me e-mails like, 'My mother was going to take away my cellphone (and this and that) because I told her I was gay. She saw the movie and now she says she loves me.' It's a very powerful response. I get a lot of questions from people saying, when is it going to go to Ireland, to India…That gives me hope, that it's such a powerful story, being the truth, that it will transcend these other cultures and get Mary's message across." — Sigourney Weaver, on playing Mary Griffith, who attempted to save her gay son's soul by religious means before his suicide. [LA Times]
• "It's a mix of curiosity, fascination, respect and bewilderment. Twitter freaks me out. You have followers? It feels so obsessive and proprietary. It has great applications, and it's effective, I get it. But 'I did something, I did something else, I'm at it again.' Why? I'm still getting over YouTube, people. These breakthroughs are coming at such velocity that before you get your sea legs, there's another wave hitting you." — Mos Def. [USA Today]
• "I think she's much more raw in the third season. You see everything that's happening to her, so you see her more open and vulnerable, though she's being deceptive. You see her really desperate, which is a different side to her. I've been playing the character for so long now it comes naturally. [That allows me] to be more confident, take more risks, go bigger. In my film work, I'm scared to go too big — it's projected on the big screen and what not — but on Big Love, I feel I have a lot more freedom." — Chloe Sevigny on playing Nicolette "Nicki" Grant. [LA Times]
• "When I was a child my parents threatened to send me to a convent. I've often wondered how that would have worked out. I'd have made a terrible nun. I'm a good Catholic girl in the way that Madonna is. In the sense that I'm not that good at all. If the church is having a hard time recruiting nuns, I'd make an ideal poster girl. 'Become a nun or else end up like her!'" — Heather Graham. [Daily Mail]
• "I am who I am-a regular guy with a great job. How I'm analyzed belongs to someone else. In a few minutes, I've got a kid's game to go to, and then I'm taking our daughter to auditions. Today, that's my job." — Denzel Washington. [Reader's Digest]
• "The problem with Harry Potter is that there is so little controversy. It would be so great for the press if one of them would go off the rails and end up in rehab, but they are, actually, just really sweet guys." — Jason Isaacs, who plays Lucius Malfoy. [Telegraph]
• "The moment that changed me for ever ... was becoming a vegetarian aged 17; my whole life changed. I spent a lot of time hanging out in the woods near my house and felt a connection to the birds and trees." — Chrissie Hynde. [Independent]
• "I really wish I could play, but I don't at all." — Princess Beatrice, on polo. [Telegraph]
• "I never said (I wasn't returning). I just said that I'm not sure. It's called, um, 'negotiating.'" — Paula Abdul on whether she'll return to American Idol. [UPI]
• "When people talk about reincarnation, I always feel that if there is such a thing, this is definitely my first time, because I'm always amazed. I'm both amazed at how horrifically we can treat each other and all other living things, and also amazed at the wonder and the beauty. I'm like: 'Oh my God, look at that bird!' or 'Look at that flower!' literally every single day. I can't get over how people are putting so much energy and so many resources into going to Mars when everything we could ever dream of is on this planet, if we just take care of it. What do they have on Mars? They don't even have oxygen up there!" — Daryl Hannah. [Guardian]
• "I can never get close. My No. 1 job is always, always, always stand-up. It has to be a no-holds-barred attitude. Let me give you an example. I met Drew Barrymore a couple times. I went to a party at her house. And she said, 'You know, you should come to one of my small dinner parties, we hate the same people.' But if I'm sitting next to Courtney Love and she falls over, I can't not put it in the act. I'm responsible to my audience the way most people feel responsible to their Lord Jesus." — Kathy Griffin. [LA Times]
• "I learned that when you yell, nobody hears you. The best communicators have to live and present themselves in a peaceful manner. And that's going to be a lifelong quest of mine. I don't have a temper. I've never broken everything. I've never thrown a thing. But I have passion. If I feel passionate, you're going to know." — Rosie O'Donnell. [CBS News]
• "It depends where you are in the world. It's not brilliant here in Britain compared to, for example, Scandinavia – maternity leave and everything is different and they're much more clued in to what parents and children need. We still have quite a lot of Victorian principles hanging on, you can see it and feel it." — Emma Thompson, on Britain not being helpful to working mothers. [Daily Express]
• "I'm taking a year off. That's my birthday present to myself. I'm not going to act, write or anything like that. I'll be a mum, teach drama at my daughter's school, I'll cook meals and have fun, go out with my friends, I'll go to movies and not think about working. I'll see what bubbles up after that." — Emma Thompson. [Mirror]
• "I was insane to go on the Spice tour three months after having [my son]Beau. I wouldn't put myself through it again. At the time I was very self conscious about it all. It was awful. I remember being on stage and going numb and thinking everyone was looking at my body and that it wasn't perfect and I was next to the other girls […] Can you believe [Mel B] does 600 [sit ups a day]? That's nuts. Twenty sit ups and I'm done." — Emma Bunton, aka Baby Spice. [Mirror]
• "I'm convinced he plays for the other team. I even had my gay friends assess the situation" — Bethenny Frankel, joking about her boyfriend, Jason Hoppy. [Page Six]
• "I think what Drew and I found was a connection very similar to the connection between the characters. We adored each other; we played off each other. I can't imagine doing it with anybody else. It's two parts of a whole, really." — Jessica Lange, on Grey Gardens. [LA Times]
• "I'm an awkward kid from Long Island who had a dream about going to New York and becoming an actress. That's who I still am in my core… I fell into this phenomenon. Huge. Huge. This doesn't happen to most people. I'm lucky in that the way I look has never gotten me anything." — Edie Falco. [UPI]
• "I haven't done any exercise since October. I haven't done a thing. So who knows how I'm holding it together." — Kate Winslet. [Daily Mail]

Bernhard admits that there will be new stuff in the show: "There have been a lot of changes in the last 20 years. I have a 10-year-old daughter. So I talk about being a mother. Technology. Whatever's in the moment." Of Sarah Silerman, Bernhard says, "She's fine. She suits her generation. But I want to see something else."

When it comes to Kabbalah, Bernhard swears she's not as into it as she once was: "I went in 1995 before there was any hoopla and I got the best out of it. Then the wheels started to fall off. I'm not nearly as involved with that place as I was. Unfortunately, money corrupts everything, even spirituality. And it's hard not to get caught up in the excitement of glamour and fame." And as for the Kabbalah water? "When they started selling it, it seemed very gimmicky to me as I'm sure it did to most people."

And as for the state of young artists today, Bernhard is not very optimistic:

Now, nobody goes on Letterman and becomes an overnight sensation. You can do your thing on the Internet, you can do a reality show, but those things aren't really reflective of somebody's talents. I mean, look at Kathy Griffin. She was bumming around for a long time doing comedy but she was willing to go there and make a complete fool of herself. And that's the appetite of the American public. They want their performers totally stripped down and vulnerable so they can go 'look at that idiot.' I can't say these are great times for young artists. There's no longevity. Lady GaGa? I just don't see any of the stuff lasting for very long.

The reporter points out that Madonna and Cyndi Lauper both went to Lady GaGa's recent show, and Bernhard replies, "They don't want to fall behind. They go, 'Uh oh, I better do this,' or, 'Uh oh, I better do that' so that they can stay relevant. I enjoy listening to music where I don't have to see the person. If I have to see the person to enjoy it, I'm not that interested."

Stand Back: Sandra Bernhard Speaks Her Mind [WWD]

[Image by Marcus Dawes via WWD]

• Angelina and Brad are in New York! Angie will walk the red carpet at the New York Film Festival tomorrow, for the premiere of her movie The Changeling, a 1920s thriller directed by Clint Eastwood. We know Shiloh is here, but as for Knox, Vivi, Zahara, Pax and Maddox? We'll have to wait and see. [People]
• Jimmy Smits grabbed a real knife instead if a prop knife and stabbed a stuntman during a fight scene for the TV show Dexter. The stunt guy says: "For the scene, I was bound in Saran Wrap, duct tape over my mouth. I couldn't say a thing as I saw Jimmy grab at the knife. He picked up the real one by pure mistake. It was a mean looking knife… I had a piece of acrylic clear plastic about the size of a Post-it note over my heart…by a miracle, an act of God, the knife landed at the very edge of the plastic. I really thought I'd been stabbed in the heart, but I didn't have a scratch. Jimmy was devastated and couldn't stop apologizing. I told him, I felt more sorry for him than me." [Daily Star]
• Demi Moore took Michael Phelps out for drinks, but it was a business meeting: She wants him to be in a reality show that she and Ashton are producing. [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• JK Rowling is the world's best-paid author. She makes £3 million a week. [The Sun]

• Did Madonna and A-Rod have dinner in NYC the other night??? [Page Six]
• Sharon Stone denies ever recommending that her 8-year-old son get Botox injections for foot odor. Her attorney says: "Sharon Stone never made this statement. It is a complete fabrication." [People]
• Oh, and Sandra Bernhard denies that she ever used the term "gang rape" in a joke about Sarah Palin. What started as an internet rumor quickly became an AP article that reported Bernhard had been cut from a benefit for a Boston women's shelter because of her performance. If you want to know what she actually said, click here. [HuffPo]
• Sandra also says: "I think if you look at the real issues I'm addressing, my intent becomes clear. I am a die-hard advocate for women's rights, and fully support the work of Rosie's Place." [AP]
• Kirsten Dunst was asked about her teeth being Photoshopped on the cover of Bazaar: "I haven't heard about it," she said. "I've had my teeth changed [on a magazine cover] before," she continued. "I wasn't a big fan of that." But she didn't call a publicist to complain. "I'm not that stressed out about that stuff." [NY Mag]
• Oooh, here's Kiki Dunst talking about rehab, sorta: "I don’t want to be hassled about it. Everyone goes through a hard time in their life. They just don’t have to do it in front of tons of people and with our media the way it is. I did, and I’m lucky that I had the resources and the money to take care of myself. I learned a lot." [Mirror]
• Calum Best thinks he turned Lindsay Lohan into a lesbian. [Mirror]
• Clark of ANTM says when she got booted off the show, "It was like watching a boyfriend break up with me! It was heartbreaking! I didn't see it coming. I really didn't." Hey, did you know she had a nose job? Also, Clark says that she sorta knows who will win: "I have a pretty good idea who it is, but obviously can't say anything about that. I can tell you that the whole thing is a shock." [Yahoo News]
• Speaking of Top Model, Isis is being presented with a Visibility Award by Equality Maryland — a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights group. [ONTD]
• Apparently Michael Lohan has determined that he is not the father of Ashley, that alleged love child through a paternity test kit he bought himself at Walgreens. [Perez Hilton]
• Peaches Geldof acted pissy and refused to smile for photographers at a department store photo op — for which she was being paid £5,000 to appear. The photogs asked her to smile and she crossed her arms, scowled and then walked away. Any one willing to smile and attend a store opening for £5,000? [Daily Mail]
• Wow, MTV execs call 19-year-old Peaches a "monster" after collaborating with her on a new documentary in which she attempts to edit a magazine. LOL! Apparently no amount of editing could portray Peaches in a positive light, and one MTV person says: "Everything that comes out of her mouth is horrendous." [The Sun]
• Salma Hayek is part of a UNICEF campaign to eradicate tetanus in mothers and babies. She visited the West African nation of Sierra Leone, where she met with tetanus victims. "I had no idea how much this was going to really personally move me," she says. [AP]
• Ooh, Salma Hayek will be on 30 Rock! [Page Six]
• Jay-Z has been working the Water For Life campaign, bringing clean water to those who don't have access to it. "Many charities, you close your eyes and cross your fingers and hope that the money gets to the people who really deserve it. But with this, I got to go to Africa, see the water pumps. I got to see the kids turn them on." Speaking of kids, do you want some, Jay? "Most people dream of having a family someday. So I'm just a regular American boy." [People]
• By the by, Jay-Z received a Global Leadership Award by the United Nations on Wednesday, thanks to his Water For Life work. [Perez Hilton]
• Heather Locklear's police report has been released. She was "obviously impaired," though alcohol was ruled out. A "Drug Recognition Expert" concluded that she was under the influence of a controlled substance, and could not safely operate a motor vehicle. [TMZ]
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck is not leaving The View. Don't shoot the messenger. [ET, LA Times]
• Madonna is coming to America! Her Sticky & Sweet tour starts tomorrow in New Jersey; then she has four nights at NYC's Madison Square Garden. [Perez Hilton]
• Kanye West's HBO show is on the shelf. It may never air. He had partnered with Curb Your Enthusiasm producer Larry Charles, who says: "It was really good, but...I think it was too hard-core for HBO. HBO doesn't have a good track record when it comes to black shows, and I felt like that may have had something to do with it also." [Yahoo News, via E!]
• Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown is going to renew her vows with hubs Stephen Belafonte in an elaborate ceremony in Egypt. The invitation is 11 pages long. [Page Six]
• Rosie O'Donnell's new live-from-New York variety show will have a test segment which airs Nov. 26, the night before Thanksgiving. [Fox 411]
• Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson! Recording together again! On a track for a tribute album to music legend Quincy Jones! Don't fuck it up, Amy! [Mirror]
• Broadway theaters will dim their lights tonight in honor of Paul Newman, who first set foot on a Broadway stage in 1953. [Reuters]
• 90210 has been yanked off the air in Australia, due to poor ratings. [Perez Hilton]
• Fasten your seatbelts: Annette Benning will star as Margo Channing in All About Eve in a one-night-only staged reading at the Actors Fund benefit. [Variety]
• Natalie Cole is on bed rest after being hospitalized in New York last month due to a setback in her battle with Hepatitis C. [Reuters]
• James Earl Jones will receive the 2008 Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award. He was mute as a child because of a stuttering problem, but overcame it to be the most recognizable voice: Darth Vader in Star Wars, Mufasa in The Lion King and spots for CNN. He says: "Through a love of reading, I was able to overcome my muteness and pursue a career in which my voice would be my most prominent asset." He also says: "Luke. I am your father." [AP]
• Dolly Parton will serve as the ambassador for the 75th anniversary of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. [AP]
• News you cannot use: Marisa Tomei's fake nipple piercings in her new movie took a long time to attach. [Daily Express]
• This paper says Catherine Zeta-Jones had an "off day" and looked orange. She looks okay to me. [Mirror]
• Cameron Diaz paid tribute to her late father, Emilio, at a special screening of There's Something About Mary. "My daddy's in this movie for two seconds," she told the audience. Then she described his scene and did an imitation of his performance. [People]
• Hollywood conservatives Jon Voight, Gary Sinise, Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Miller attended a John McCain fundraiser on Wednesday night in L.A. Zzzzzzz. [E!]
• Robert De Niro and Marty Scorsese are joining cinematic forces for the ninth time. The flick is I Heard You Paint Houses, about the mob hitman believed to have 86'd Jimmy Hoffa. [E!]
• The Writers Guild of America has filed an unfair labor practice complaint against Tyler Perry's production studio. [NY Times]
• Noel Gallagher says Liam Gallagher dyes his hair and wears makeup. [The Sun]
• Uh, this is a UK-specific headline, to be sure: "Geri Halliwell most successful female celebrity author of 08." [Mirror]
• Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky: Getting married tonight. [Page Six]
• "I had this irrational fear at first that by moving on i would be leaving him behind. But that's obviously what you must do, as a parent. I have grabbed life by the throat and I am packing in as much as I can and trying to keep things fun for the boys, actually." — Natasha McElhone, on the tragic death of her husband. [Daily Mail]
• "Having a girlfriend right now would be out of the question. I would like to settle down and have a family. But I'm only 24. Definitely not any time soon!" — Olympic gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte. [People]
• "Here’s the thing about hair; I think most people think that I have Lego hair, like I can just take it on and off in one piece, and that’s not quite the case — although pretty close. I refer to this [phenomenon] as Lego hair, when people think that about me. I think hair is just, like, the most important thing about you. Besides your soul, or maybe your heart, or maybe your crotch…. Or maybe the order I just put those in says a little something about who I am." — Pete Wentz. [People]
• "I’m not gay but I might as well be. I’m the [woman] of the group. We live a gay lifestyle. […] I never read tabloids, I never buy books or go on Perez Hilton and I never ever watch the news. All news is bad. You never hear them say, ‘This dog gave birth to six puppies today.’ It’s always negative, like, ‘All these people got killed.’ I stay totally away from it." — Brooke Hogan, noted wit. [ONTD]
• "It's been incorrectly alleged that I'd abuse a romantic attachment as a publicity stunt. That's below the belt. To love and be loved is the most beautiful thing that can happen to a person, and one's own life is more important than all the glamour and fame in the world." — Jennifer Aniston. [Daily Express]
• "People said, 'You looked better than Beyoncé.' Well, that’s not possible. It’s nice that young people hold me up as a model. Beyoncé is elegant and is handling her career well. A lot of new stars go overboard on sex. They’re half-naked up there. My dresses were a bit short, but I stayed respectable." — Tina Turner, whose tour kicked off this week. [The.Life Files]

[New York, October 1. Image via Flynet]

• Following the terrible plane crash in which drummer Travis Barker and Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein were seriously injured, there were reports that Chris Baker, Travis's friend and business partner, was on his way to be home with his pregnant wife. These reports were erroneous. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Both Lindsay and Sam blogged about the horrifying plane crash. Wrote LL: "It's so scary to think that life can end so fast...we must all treasure each and every moment—and be thankful for what we have." [E!]
• Travis Barker is burned "mostly from the waist down." DJ AM is "really really badly burned," and the worst is on his face. [E!]
• Mandy Moore has rushed to the bedside of ex-boyfriend DJ AM. Travis Barker's ex-wife Shanna Moakler hopped a flight to be with Travis. [E!]
• Random celebs react to the DJ AM and Travis Barker news. [E!]
• DJ AM and Travis Barker could be hospitalized for weeks but are expected to fully recover. [CNN]
• A tire blowout could be to blame for the plane crash. [People]

• At the Emmys last night, the dresses were pretty, but boring. Christina Applegate looked awesome. [Yahoo News]
• On the red carpet last night, Christina Applegate said: "I've got a pretty dress on and lipstick, and [it's] something I haven't done in two months." She also addressed her breast cancer and the double mastectomy she endured: "For me to have a voice and be the voice of a 30-something-year-old girl going through this and dispelling the misnomers that it's an older woman's disease is a big part of this for me." [People]
• This report says that since the Golden Globes were almost canceled and the Oscars were anticlimactic, the Emmys were festive and glamourous but not ridiculously over the top. [MSNBC]
• Tina Fey lost her purse during the Emmys. She also said of Sarah Palin: "I want to be done playing this lady Nov. 5. So if anybody can help me be done playing this lady Nov. 5, that would be good for me." [AP]
• Is Lindsay coming out, little by little, on her MySpace — instead of in one big "Yes, I'm gay" cover story on a tabloid mag? [LA Times]
• Someone is trying to sell 12 pictures from Casey Aldridge's digital camera that show Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn Spears, daughter Maddie and Casey… and in one picture, Jamie Lynn is breastfeeding Maddie and her breast is exposed. Because JLS is a minor, selling or buying the pix could be a violation of child pornography laws, even though they're not sexual. [TMZ]
• George Michael was arrested with crack in a public restroom. Um. Crack as in drugs. Not ass crack. As far as we know. He was taken to a police station and given a "caution." [BBC News]
• George Michael says: "I want to apologise to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I'll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them." [Perez Hilton]
• Comic Sandra Bernhard says a "gang rape" joke she made about Sarah Palin was part of her act. "I certainly wish Governor Palin no harm. I'd just like her to explain to me how she can hold such outrageous views — and then go back to Alaska." [UPI]
• Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were out on the Lower East Side of New York recently wearing matching bowler hats. They went to some bar and the doorman wanted to take a picture with Scarlett when she snapped, "I'm not the Statue of Liberty." [Page Six]
• Jack McBrayer, who plays Kenneth on 30 Rock, says Jennifer Aniston's stint for the show was "fantastic." "I think we are all star-struck with her." [People]
• Singer Natalie Cole, who recently revealed she had hepatitis C, has been hospitalized as a result of side effects from her medication and a heavy promotional schedule. [USA Today]
• Mel Gibson just bought David Duchovny and Tea Leoni's Malibu home for $11.5 million. Hmm, liquidation of assets… Are David and Tea going to get divorced? [TMZ]
• Ali Lohan hopped on the back of a male friend's motorcycle and had to be rushed to the hospital for minor injuries after a minor accident last month. She got "scraped up." A friend says, "I think she may have wanted to impress this boy." [ONTD]
• Miley Cyrus is sick of being Hannah Montana. [ONTD via TMZ]
• Kate Moss and Jamie Hince have split up and it is FINAL. [The Sun]
• A "mystery hunk" gave Kate Moss a lapdance. [Mirror]
• Does Pete Doherty want Kate Moss back? [Mirror]
• Hugh Grant and Jemima Khan: Back on. [Daily Express]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham says: "You know, I could just go shopping every day and sit on my bum. But I’d be so bored. I don’t even go shopping any more. I run four miles, seven days a week. I am eating more. I think you do eat more when you’re working out." She also says her new short hair wasn't her idea: "I just told the hairdresser to use his imagination." [The Sun]
• Sienna Miller is going to be in that Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes film, which means she'll be reunited with Jude Law on screen. Awkward! [Mirror]
• The woman who is suing two photographers and a paparazzi agency over a video that shows Heath Ledger doing drugs has amended her lawsuit. [News.com.au]
• Kanye West, John Legend, Sheryl Crow, Stevie Wonder and others can be heard on Yes We Can: Voices of a Grassroots Movement, a CD for sale exclusively through Barack Obama's campaign. [USA Today]
• John Lennon had a terrible temper and once screamed into son Sean's ear so loudly his ear was damaged and he had to go to the hospital. [Page Six]
• Heather Mills is donating one million dollars worth of vegan food to children in the South Bronx, one of the poorest neighborhoods in New York. What kids in the ghetto dream of: Soy burgers. [The Star]
• Heather says: "The public adores me... I haven't got a bad word to say about Paul... men are falling over themselves to ask me out... my only interest in life is helping others." [Daily Mail]
• Holland Taylor, who plays Charlie Sheen's mom on Two And A Half Men, commented on the news that Charlie and his wife Brooke are expecting a baby: "I think he's a wonderful daddy to his girls – he just adores them, he's very sweet with them. [But] it will be very interesting to see Charlie with a boy. It'll bring out a whole other side of him, I'm sure." [People]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger confirms that he used to smoke weed with Tommy Chong. [TMZ]
• Robert Wagner had an affair with Barbara Stanwyck, his co-star in the 1953 film Titanic, who was 23 years his senior. [Reuters]
• Jamie Oliver and his wife Jools are expecting a new baby to join daughters Poppy Honey, 6 and Daisy Boo, 5. May we suggest some possible names? Violet Love, Rose Sugar, Carnation Milk. [Mirror]
• Steven Tyler performed in pants he'd gotten from Cher. [Fox 411]
• Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz: Having twins. [Perez Hilton]
• You know how Audrina moved out of Lauren Conrad's house? It was supposed to be an "exclusive" story for a major tabloid mag. But now everyone knows. But! Since she already signed a deal, Audrina gets to keep the money. We'll see what Us Weekly has on the cover on Wednesday. [TMZ]
• Holly Madison and Criss Angel: Still hanging out in Las Vegas, though they deny that they're dating. They were seen dancing and kissing in a club. [Perez Hilton]
• Rachel Bilson will star in an indie romance in which she plays a TV actress living in Hollywood. Way to show your range! [Variety]
• David Blaine will hang upside down above Central Park for 60 hours and could go blind due to the blood pressure in his eyes. Additionally, he could bore us to tears. [Mirror]
• Be prepared to take Mariah Carey seriously as an actress: She plays the battered wife of a state trooper in Tennessee, and just got cast in Push, where she'll play a Harlem social worker. She's also developing a movie musical based, um, on her Christmas album. [Rush & Molloy]
• "I gained five pounds and it’s like a national scandal." — Eva Longoria. [The Sun]
• "I will no longer attempt to do any sports movie, anymore. Any sports. No golf movie. I'm retired from sports-genre films. You know, I think I filled my quota." — Will Ferrell. [USA Today]
• When you were younger, did you ever dream about being royalty? "No. I was a tomboy. When I was a child, I made mud pies—sort of just adding water to mud and squishing it together. I didn't wear a skirt until I think I was 14. The princess thing was the last thing on my list." — Keira Knightley. [Newsweek]
• "My breasts have had a brilliant career. I've just tagged along for the ride." — Pamela Anderson. [Daily Mail]
• "I'm 37. I have nothing to say about the new 90210. Who gives a shit." — Sarah Silverman. [E!]

[New York, September 16. Image via Flynet]

Korto's jumpsuit was okay, not very innovative, though.
I thought Kelli's was leaning toward ugly. But not cool ugly like jolielaid, just regular ugly.
Stella does what Stella does. Remember when she said, "What a gay little grommet"?
Keith The Gay Mormon had a cool concept, but the execution was meh.
Suede thinks Suede is awesome.
Joe's dress was an extremely literal translation of a hanging globe light fixture, but it worked.
Jerell's dress is the color of a deep-cleaning face masque.
Didn't you think Jennifer was going to get auf'd? Her "clock dress" was a disaster.
Daniel's Zac Posen-esque dress.
Blayne's technicolor yawn.
Sandra Bernhard loved Terri's ensemble. It was ballsy to show a dress with pants in such a dress-centric competition.
I was shocked. SHOCKED. That Leanne did not win this challenge. This skirt is PR gold.
Kenley was the winner of this challenge. Couldn't you see someone on Gossip Girl wearing this confection? Behold Emily's swan song. Someone wore a version of this dress to the junior prom in 1986 but with pink Converse high-tops with white ribbons for laces, I'm fairly sure about that. Michael Kors exclaimed, "The placement of the ruffles was so insane." Nina Garcia said: "No comment." Ooh, burn! Michael was amazed at Nina's silence, saying,"The worst review is no review."

Project Runway Season 5 [Bravo]

[New York, July 26. Image via Flynet.]

• Angelina Jolie MAY have given birth to twins in France this morning. Stay tuned. [Just Jared]
• Former American Idol star Paris Bennett is pregnant, you guys. She's 19 and the father "chooses not to be in the public eye." But! Paris "has a ring." So everything is fine. [People]
• Is Sandra Bernhard over Madonna? Apparently she ranted about Madge at a show in Toronto, taunting celebs who brag about exercising for three hours: "Why don't you rub some salt in the wounds of the people who have to work 14 hours a day?" Plus! Madonna's been traveling from her home in Manhattan to rehearsals in Brooklyn and apparently her drivers "race like madmen" and run red lights to get her there and back. [Page Six]
• Guy Ritchie is in New York now, too. And neither he nor Madonna have been seen wearing wedding bands. Madge's spokesperson, Liz Rosenberg, says: "Madonna has rarely worn a wedding band over these last six years, so there's no secret message about that." [People]
• But! This report says Guy is in the Big Apple to discuss finances, assess assets and plan out the divorce from Madonna, sigh. [Mirror]
• Madonna's childhood home was destroyed by a fire over the weekend, and the blaze is "suspicious," uh-oh. [Breitbart]

• So Madonna's been rehearsing for her new tour, "Sticky and Sweet," at this non-airconditioned space in Brooklyn. She'll do some moves and then say "That sucked! I have to be better." Then she'll look at her dancers and say, "And so does everybody else." Plus! She has some girls dressed up in iconic Madonna outfits of the past: "Truthfully, I wanted drag queens, who does me better? But I figured that might be too much drama, you know — those girls love their scenes. And I provide enough of that!" [Variety]<
• George Clooney is still single, repeat, George Clooney is still single. [E!]
• Jennifer Lopez may not have a nanny for her twins, but she obviously has "people" working for her who keep an eye on the kids. Duh. [E!]
• James Gostelow, 25, says he was the one punched by Amy Winehouse at Glastonbury: "I saw a hat being thrown from behind me and it hit Amy's beehive. She looked down, saw me looking up, and her elbow went for me. She caught my forehead, then someone may have shouted something from the back, which is when she went in again." James doesn't plan to press charges because "It's part of the experience." [The Star]
• He also says: "I'm just pleased I got to see her. She did a great act. Not everyone can say they have been hit by Amy Winehouse." [The Sun]
• Meanwhile, Amy has left the clinic she was in because she was going stir crazy. [The Sun]
• After Amy checked out of the hospital, she partied until 4:30 am. [Daily Mail]
• Wait, it seems that Amy has checked herself back in to the hospital. [TVgasm]
• Oh! And a wax figure of Amy, replete with tattoos and behive, will be unveiled at Madam Tussauds in London next month! Will it be the curvy Amy? Or the, um, other one? [Yahoo News]
• Bjork's only UK festival date? Canceled. [Mirror]
• This headline, "Maggie Gyllenhaal Chooses Baby Over Box Office," says it all. [People]
• Maroon 5's Adam Levine hearts yoga. [People]
• After weeks of being single, Liv Tyler realized it wasn't much fun and wants to give marriage to Royston Langdon another try. Sweet? [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Someone snapped a picture of Jason Lee in line for a marriage license at a Norwalk, CA courthouse. Guess he's going to marry his knocked-up galpal? [TMZ]
• The premiere of Dark Knight will not be a tribute to Heath Ledger. Michelle Williams will not attend. Her rep says: "There is misinformation all over the place." [MSNBC]
• Jessica Simpson met Tony Romo's parents! They had dinner at an Olive Garden in Wisconsin! [People]
• Is Lauren Conrad actually a nice, well-spoken person, edited by MTV to seem conniving and dumb? [Perez Hilton]
• As previously reported, Corey Haim and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham dated back in 1995. Posh says: "We didn’t have sex or anything. In actual fact, he didn’t seem to want to try. The most we did was kiss… Looking back it’s hard to work out whether I really fancied him or if I was just a bit of a sad fan." Hahaha, wow. I always liked Feldman more. [Perez Hilton]
• The Mary-Kate Olsen/Spencer Pratt feud started in high school. Selling drunk photos of your classmates is kind of a douche move, Spence. [People]
• Producer Rodney Jerkins is going to "reinvent" Britney Spears on her next album. Yawn. [People]
• Rapper Young Jeezy is impressed by John McCain. [Page Six]
• An anti-Scientology group claims that the church's intelligence agency, OSA, threatens, harasses and intimidates critics of the religion. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "Which singing ex-husband of an A-list actress would rather have people think he's gay than admit that he cheated on her with a groupie?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Jessica Biel has started blogging, sorta. She writes: "I definitely did not make it onto the debate team in high school so I'm feeling extremely insecure about communicating publicly for the first time via the blogosphere (how about that word for a novice?). I’m still getting the lingo down. I have been “internet challenged” long enough and am thrilled to join the tech revolution! Plus, I only have four friends and am in dire need of more. Just kidding, I have six." [MySpace, via People]
• "When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that. I probably even made it a bigger deal than it was. If I was gay and I saw people playing with it, being ambiguous, I don't really know how I would feel. I look back at Elvis [who appropriated black music] and I'm like, 'Was Elvis a [bleep]?'" — Pete Wentz, naturally. [Page Six]
• Gossip Girl's Blake Lively swears she is not like Paris Hilton: "Since I have a dog and blond hair, that must mean we're alike. It's a dumb thing to say. I don't think that makes us similar. I don't know her, but I don't like being compared to anyone by somebody who doesn't know me. I'm my own person. I don't go to clubs, I don't party, I don't dance on tables and I don't like sex tapes." [Page Six]