• Comeback kid (?) Lindsay Lohan has already gone back to her complicated lifestyle of dramarama mixed with rich-people acquisitions. We could talk about her for hours—she just never stops! All that Red Bull, maybe. Here we go.

• Ladies and gentlemen, Swiftenhaal is no more.

• Brace yourself: Lady Gaga's New Year's Eve was low-key.

• Miley Cyrus's bong hit video was not a commercial. But. Because people are stupid, sales of salvia have increased since Friday, with customers specifically asking for "the stuff Miley was smoking."

• Christina Aguilera, a woman who cannot stop releasing songs that are a metaphor for her vagina, celebrated her new found freedom by allegedly engaging in a menage a trois with Sam Ronson, America's favorite gateway lesbian.

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I go on a tabloid-only diet! Today, Ashton's accused of cheating on Demi (again); Snooki talks about her anorexia and body image troubles; and Angelina is ruining her kids' lives.

• Lindsay Lohan's first post-jail and post-rehab interview may be aired on the Today show.

• Paris Hilton has been charged with felony cocaine possession.

Ke$ha. No matter what you think of her, you can't argue that the "Tik Tok" singer has managed make herself a topic. And in doing so, she is severing the musical ties that bind. It's a pop-culture Civil War.