Last Friday night, I sat for two hours at New York's Highline Ballroom with three other judges (Victoria Zdorak, Penthouse advice columnist), Coney Island Circus performer Heather Holliday and emcee Joel Keith) and watched people pretend-fuck. Thankfully, the pictures are finally in. We were asked to judge 12 acts on their performances — 8 female, and 4 male acts. Each contestant got a song of his or her choice, wasn't allowed to get naked and was judged on his or her performance in terms of pantomime itself and "sex" skills. Although Joel Keith managed to capture most of the performers on camera, I'll admit we're missing pictures of the 3-woman act "Ode to New Zealand," who pantomimed copulating with (and then eviscerating) a sheep and "Backseat Betty," who gave a decently realistic (and impromptu!) performance of bad sex in a car.

Interestingly, most of the men went for the funny bone while the women went for a combination of comedy, titillation and absurdity. After the show, I asked a male friend what he thought. He agreed with me that the comedy bits were far more worthy of praise than the ones designed to arouse the crowd, likening the whole thing to karaoke: "The thing I hate about karaoke is going in there and someone is trying to nail a Mariah Carey song like they're about to be discovered," he said. "I'd rather watch a drunk guy sing the Spice Girls." Luckily, at this event, there were far more drunk guys singing the Spice Girls.


"Dirty Dean" took the stage after the Kiwis and Betty, complete with a manservant to spirit away his bathrobe, revealing a classic American flag banana hammock and rather muscular rear. He then proceeded to have a rather athletic three-way with two imaginary women (the judges counted 4, but apparently the two just moved around a lot). The pornstache is really what did it for us.


Professor Longhair was up next, and she, apparently, had a lot of education to impart. Though I thought she was bringing a vibrator into her lovemaking, she schooled me that she was just trying to get her lover to understand that clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex is important. Service-y!


Bjorn To Fuck (his chest says "Will Fük For Money) was the paid gigolo of the evening, pleasuring 4 women in succession — including one lady of size — before lining them atop one another and demonstrating his multitasking skills. He was also skilled in the BDSM arts, which he proved by removing his belt and flogging his imaginary 3rd partner, after which he briefly asphyxiated himself. He was an even more skillful flirt, which he proved by sitting atop the judges' table and handing his belt-leash to a colleague during the Tribunal.


Heir to the Throne channelled one of my exes with a soulful performance to Tenacious D's "Fuck Her Gently." He ended his performance by schtupping the shit out of the judges' table and wiping his air cock with my real hair. (He made the finals.)


Dynamite Devotion was one of several who signed up to perform on-site, and she was by far the best. Her act: receiving and accepting a booty call in the middle of the night, demanding that her lover go down on her, and then riding that imaginary man to ecstasy...all in all, a commanding performance and display as to how to get the most out of your man.


Sweet Pea took the stage to the strains of Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn," and left the judges and the audience, well, torn. For one, the poor girl had signed up on site without any idea of what she was really getting into. She gave what might most kindly be described as an interpretive dance about the joy of orgasm (truthfully she seemed too nervous and therefore danced around the stage in between 15 second bursts of half-heartedly imitating sex acts).


Bambi Amsterdam strode on stage with a can of seltzer in her hand and a dream in her heart. That dream, apparently, was to imitate female ejaculation and ride the attendant ottoman to apparent ecstasy. But given how much her hands were down her pants, the judges were forced to wonder if the ecstasy was really imitated... and then she, flushed, declared to us that she'd had a damn good time and stomped off.


Slut Truffle followed Bambi's abdication with a performance of an increasingly frustrated woman who finally resorts to actual power tools to get the sparks she's looking for — but only after she tries a real man, a vibrator, and a 12" long suction cup dildo. No one was hurt in the achievement of her orgasm — not even the audience, which was showered in sparks. Unsurprisingly, we voted her into the finals.


Ursher both stole my chair and the hearts of the judges with his extremely clever pantomime of the busy businessman who needs to get his rocks off with a sex worker in between cell phone calls. He was the only car-themed act to get right which side Americans drive on, he successfully parallel parked and even used protection. He, too, made the finals.


The final act of the evening, Beya, was another on-site sign up who imitated bad sex (men of New York: you really need to step up, here) but left the judges wondering exactly what was going on — other than when she imitated sex from the side.


For the final round, Heir to the Throne, Slut Truffle and Ursher had to improvise a 2-minute performance to a song of the producers' choosing. That song was, of course, the theme to the movie Superman. Heir to the Throne gave a soulful performance that built to a rocking crescendo in which he appeared to be about to surf into the crowd.


Slut Truffle proved to be quite the prop mistress, bringing out her cock panties for her performance of a transwoman rescued and then seduced by Superman. She turned out to be quite the persuasive lover, however, first convincing Superman to penetrate her anally and then convincing him to switch for both their pleasures.


Ursher, however, took the prize with his performance of a man who enters the bathroom and ends up first blowing and then being penetrated by the bathroom's other occupant, complete with the use of hand soap as a lubricant and — again — an adherence to a safe sex regimen that would make my high school health teacher proud. It was the kind of performance where you thought he just couldn't top himself — and then he did.

Air Sex: The One Time That "Faking It" Is Encouraged

[Photos via Joel Keith]

MOE: Good morning sunshine! We get to talk about whores again today bc that's all that's happening!

MEGAN: You mean, that's all anyone cares about... I'm pretty sure there's still, like, nukes in North Korea and people dying in the Sudan and Iran being all dramatic and a Democratic primary today. But, yes, let us discuss the whoremongering presumably-soon-to-be-ex Governor of my home state of New York. The first Democratic Governor in 12 years!

MOE: Well, we could talk about how the Cuban psychologist who interviewed John McCain after a few years in the Hanoi HIlton is "leaning towards Obama"...but yeah, I'm thinking whores. And I'm thinking "things you may think are unsafe." What the fuck is a fucking prostitute supposed to think is unsafe?

MEGAN: I dunno, the kind of creepy fucking dude that insists on fucking you without condoms, disease be damned?
Because, God knows, you wouldn't want to mitigate your marital transgressions/risk to your spouse/crimes against womanity by having safe sex or anything so that you don't, you know, give your wife HIV without her knowledge and thus eventually kill her.

MOE: So what. Was he trying to self-destruct? What with the cell phone, the cash flow problems, the Mayflower Hotel? This was all I kept hearing last night on the shows. Like: this is too weird. Too crazy. He didn't try hard enough not to get caught. He's making his enemies too happy. Oh, and speaking of, last night TUCKER said something along the lines of, "It's always these secular moralists that turn out to be the biggest hypocrites" — um yeah, Tucker, go on speaking those sorts of inconvenient truths on national TV and you'll find yourself bumped off the ... oh wait! Anyway. So...personally I think, tough job, pressure, self-righteous prick, I'm going to put my jizz somewhere it's not supposed to go. NOT into a condom.

MEGAN: I mean, but, he's the Governor of New York, it's not like he actually had to, you know, pay for sex, even condomless sex. And given that the only lengths he went to not to get caught (as you said) only involved hiding the financials of it, which is what kicked off the investigation, it's not like a mistress (or several) would've been less discreet.
I'm going with something more deep-seated than simply stress and being a dirty whoremonger.
But, I'm biased. Guys that patronize whores wig me out. The rating system at the agency he used is even ookier. Like, hello Johns of the world, please rate the sexual services of the whores you use. Ew.

MOE: How creepy is that New York Magazine totally blogged about the way "Kristen" dealt with Client #9 a few days before this story broke???

Kristen, the prostitute, has just serviced a john. Rachelle, her boss, has asked her if he was "difficult," because, she says, this guy has asked for strange things in the past.

Kristen: "I don't think he's difficult. I mean it's just kind of like, whatever, I'm here for a purpose. I know what my purpose is. I am not a ... moron, you know what I mean. So maybe that's why girls think they're difficult. That's what it is, because you're here for a purpose. Let's not get it twisted. I know what I do, you know.

Rachelle: "You look at it uniquely, because no one ever sees it that way."

Kristen: "I have a way of dealing with that. I'd be like, listen dude, you really want the sex? You know what I mean?"

MOE: It's almost worth it for that.

MEGAN: Also, WHY WOULD YOU PAY A HOOKER EXTRA FOR SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM

MOE: For Clients 1-8 or whatever to be DICK GRASSO AND HENRY BLODGET AND JEFF SKILLING

MEGAN: It's like, omg, seriously? Seriously? Teenage daughters? Wife? Mistress? Your own health? Nothing?

MOE: Yeah I dunno. If you want sex without a condom, don't you just go to your wife?

MEGAN: Like, seriously, the Governor of New York is one of those dudes that thinks he can't come with a condom on?
You know what I say to those dudes?
I DON'T CARE IF YOU COME.
Because, really, while it's nice and all, I guess, for the dude to get off that is FAR from my number one priority.
Like, really, really, really far.

MOE: And wait, is that the whole "unspoken" part of this shit here? I think it is. That, hello, Silka not only had a sort of whore-y sounding name, she was kind of cerebral-hot, if on the skinny side (obviously, at 5'5 and 105 pounds Kristen was pretty skinny herself) and definitely, you know, sexually attractive. In my straight humble opinion.

MEGAN: Yes, his wife is definitely an attractive woman.

MOE: Now I know, I know, for every devastatingly hot woman out there there's some dude who is sick of fucking her, and they had been together a long time, but ...whores?
MEGAN: It should stand her in good stead when she finally finishes divorcing his dumb whoremongering ass and gets through therapy and starts to date again.

MOE: Do you think he just used to have illicit sex with like paralegals and strippers and crap and then he moved to Albany and it got more difficult?
Well no, I mean, look, she lives in New York, she is probably fucked.

MEGAN: Ha. I doubt he spends much more time in Albany than Pataki did, which is to say, not much.
But, also, I have seen at least one of my high school classmates get popped on a solicitation charge (it was in the papers) and rumor is at least another one did. Plus, two strippers in my graduating class alone. So, fucking whores: not that hard in Albany.

(For those people who don't obsessively track every detail about me, I grew up in Scotia, NY. It's outside of Albany.)
Also, the NY Post headline is sort of priceless: Ho, No!

MOE: Yeah I'm scanning that natch. So ... it's really uplifting that Wall Street feels so very very vindicated. Here Dick Grasso was just trying to hold onto the $200 million he so rightly deserved for running the fucking stock exchange and Spitzer gets all up in his shit. America's executives may never again know a legislator as innovative at chipping away at their paychecks as they are at finding clever ways to pump them up.

MEGAN: Sigh. I mean, do you think he was thinking about how to fuck Grasso while fucking the prostitute?
MOE: I don't know. I mean, how long had he been a client of the Emperor's Club? Is that clear? Rachelle made it seem like he had a long history of making whores feel dirty. (Such class!) Seriously he probably just has a small weiner. Not that I want to get into that, but isn't that, besides the overly large weiner, generally the reason those dudes don't like condoms?

MEGAN: Nope. I, ahem, (DAD: STOP READING HERE) have fucked dudes with small penii and ones with large and there's no correlation between that and the dudes that have tried to talk me out of condom usage. The only thing the dudes that try to talk a girl out of wearing condoms are the ones with the least respect for me and my choices.
Ok, that was really poorly written. The thing I meant to say is that the thing that the dudes who beg to lose condoms have in common are a lack of respect for me and my choices.
But, yes, I do agree that Eliot Spitzer probably has an insanely small penis in addition to being a disrespectful, hypocritical piece of shit.
Like, total micropenis.
Practically a clitoris, only less attractive and with less sensation.
MOE: O, condoms. No one has ever begged me not to use them but I am also not always the most vigilant person about their use but what the fuck, I don't get laid. I actually just don't want the shit inside me ever, but that is another story. Um, so I'm really glad my parents don't read Jezebel ever.

Okay, so...moving on to brighter subjects, David Paterson of Harlem seems like a stand-up replacement, eh?
MEGAN: Paterson is a stand-up guy. So much so that, well, apparently Spitzer was the only one who wanted him to be L.G.
MOE: Also he has a 13-year-old son who supports Obama and aspires to be an investment banker.
MEGAN: And he's reportedly not loved Spitzer's other little scandals this year, like the having the State Police track Joe Bruno and shit.
MOE: Ooooh, also he has run in the NYC marathon and plays basketball. And he is BLIND.
MEGAN: And he'll be the first African-American Governor of New York. He's a big Hillary supporter, btw, even if his son supports Obama.

MOE: Also I guess we had better mention Obama's name coming up in some email blah blah blah Rezko so the bias police don't go after us. (Hey, BTW guys, we're biased! We have opinions! Okay then!)
MEGAN: Yeah, I saw that. Took 'em long enough to work his name in there somehow. The trial started last week.
MOE: Oh yeah and Chris Hitchens slamming Prince Harry if anyone cares.

MEGAN: Uh, what the fuck, Hitchens? Show of hands who would rather be a dirty cougar and fuck Prince Harry than Christopher Hitchens even after he's had his sack waxed [Caution: Link is relatively safe for work, but may result in a loss of appetite or sexual desire as well as a desire to be blind]

According to a non-profit website called The Institute For Youth Development, the state of Illinois is required by law to teach sex ed about HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, but it is not required to teach about abstinence or contraception.

Even though the junior high brass isn't budging — they have no plans to revise their abstinence-only curriculum — the girls' parents are supportive. Vic Shoemaker, Tori's dad, told reporters: "I'm realistic, I'd like to see them not do it at all before they get married, but look at all the teenagers coming up pregnant."

Controversial T-Shirts In Metro East [KMOV]
Sex Shirts Lead To Suspension[CNN]
State Sex Education Requirements [Institute For Youth Development]