[Los Angeles, November 19. Image via Pacific Coast News Online.]

(In reference to this Onion article.)

Sorority Row is a generic low-budget horror film with plenty of shrieking, scantily-clad college women. In fact, the filmmakers didn't even bother to come up with an original script. The credits say it's based on the screenplay Seven Sisters, without mentioning that the script was already made into the 1983 movie The House on Sorority Row. In the film, which opens today, Megan (Audrina Patridge)'s boyfriend cheats on her and her sorority sisters, including their bitchy leader Jessica (Leah Pipes), nerdy Ellie (Rumer Willis), and token minority Claire (Jamie Chung), decide to get back at him by making him think he killed her. The hoax goes awry and she actually does die, so they dump her body and agree never to speak of it again. However, a year later they get a text from Megan and a killer in a graduation robe starts stalking them.

The nicest thing critics had to say about the film is that it isn't as bad as you might expect. They said the film had a few good one-liners, but the jokes don't start at all until halfway through the film. It seems the filmmakers couldn't decide whether to frighten audiences or make them laugh at how cheesy it is, so the sudden burst of humor seems out of place. Either way, one sister telling Chung's character she likes having her around because, "It makes me multi-cultural without having to do anything," doesn't seem all that funny. Nor can we appreciate Chung defending "roofie sex," saying, "You get laid and you get a good night's sleep."

Below, we take a look at what the critics (who could manage to get their hands on a copy) are saying about Sorority Row:

The Kansas City Star

Why didn't Summit Entertainment show it to critics? Hollywood has realized even positive reviews can't help exploitation efforts like this one.

The Guardian

Sisters are doing it for themselves in this jolly college horror flick – if by "it" you mean horrible slaughter and softcore nudity. Much of the plot and characterisation can be gleaned from a quick scan of the cast list: among these are "Bra-Clad Sister", "Trampoline Sister", "Already Drunk Sister", "Over-It Sister", as well as "Amazed Senior Guy" and "Nerdy Underclassman".

Entertainment Weekly

Snaps to Carrie Fisher for being a good sport, as the sorority's badass house mom, but don't rush the theater: The tedious flick offers little more than a few scares, and plenty of boobs. And we're not just talking about the cast.

The Boston Herald

Brain-dead as to motivation, plotting or common sense, [director] Stewart Hendler's Sorority Row scores where it counts: The carnage escalates, nicely tinged with black humor. Acting honors go to Leah Pipes' blond queen bee Jessica, who rules this roost but not her beau, the son of a senator (a colorless Matt Lanter). Pipes is a scary parody of Reese Witherspoon's Tracy Flick in Election, focused on just one thing: herself.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

It's difficult to laugh at Sorority Row early on as the characters put their least likable traits forward. Jessica enjoys having Claire as a friend because, she says, "It makes me multi-cultural without having to do anything." Chugs defends "roofie sex," saying, "You get laid andyou get a good night's sleep." Later in the film, humor comes out more regularly, mostly thanks to rhymes-with-witch Jessica, who gets the best toss-away lines of dialogue and even takes a break from avoiding slaughter to get into a cat fight with a rival for her boyfriend's affections. As Jessica, Pipes seems to be having the most fun, but it's telling that there are few differences in the cast members' performances between early scenes when they pretend to act upset and later in the film when they're supposed to actually be terrified.

Time Out London

Sorority Row isn't as completely dire as its pedigree suggests: the script contains a few nicely barbed one-liners, while Stewart Hendler's relatively tasteful handling of the death scenes results in a few throat-grabbing shocks. And, to its credit, the movie never attempts to present its self-serving central characters as anything other than repellent, devious over-privileged monsters. But it also never delivers a decent reason for us to spend 101 minutes in their company, resulting in a shallow, occasionally diverting but largely irrelevant horror throwback.

Variety

Like the recent Drag Me to Hell, Sorority Row is fixated on oral punishment (bottles, flares). But unlike Sam Raimi's roller coaster, the script never successfully balances horror with comedy: The first half goes for the straight slice-and-dice approach, but around the halfway point, ham-fisted gallows humor suddenly — and by now inappropriately — begins to flow freely. Even Carrie Fisher's scenes as the stern, gun-totin' sorority mother (echoing her cameo in The Blues Brothers) can't choose between laughs or action.

Empire

With its endless party-hearty babble, ridiculous whodunit plot, gruesome but brief death scenes, a few funny lines (nasty sister Leah Pipes steals the show) and a bizarre Carrie Fisher-with-a-shotgun cameo, it's all slash and no stalk - a relentless series of payoffs without any build-up. A useful working definition of mindless entertainment, down to laughably gratuitous nudity, it only just scrapes a passing grade.

IGN

On a technical level, Sorority Row could be used as an example for why night exterior scenes shouldn't be shot on digital. All of the scenes set at the mine look awful; they're grainy, blurry, shifting in and out of focus like a home movie shot on an old camcorder rather than a feature film made by professionals. This hit-and-miss digital cinematography pulls the viewer right out of the movie. But what the film suffers from most is an identity crisis. Sorority Rowis never quite sure if it wants you to laugh with it or at it. The horror-comedy hybrid is perhaps the trickiest genre mash-up to get right; are you making a horror film with some moments of humor, or a comedy with some horror in it? It's the difference between Screamand Scary Movie, and a reason why so many horror-comedies don't succeed artistically or commercially. In the case of Sorority Row, one gets the distinct feeling that the filmmakers were trying to make a horror film with some comic relief in it ... until they got into the editing room, saw just how goofy their movie was, and tried to salvage it by embracing its inherent ridiculousness. But I'm just speculating.

The Orlando Sentinel

The ending of Sorority Row is bad — cheesy, worn-out, seen it in 78 horror movies before. It's almost awful enough to make you forget that the movie that came before it is — as R-rated youth-horror films go — kind of fun. It's all cheese, but at least this cheese, for the most part, doesn't stink.

• Jennifer Aniston is concerned that her romance with Gerard Butler will come to an end, now that the movie the two were shooting together, The Bounty, has stopped filming. Surely this means more "Lonely Jen" stories for us all. [PageSix]

• Megan Hauserman of VH1's Megan Wants A Millionaire says it's been a "very challenging time" for her after Ryan Jenkins, a potential suitor from the show, was found dead after being the prime suspect in the murder of his girlfriend, Jasmine Fiore. "I'm happy to move forward at this point," she says, "It's been a very upsetting, sad, tragic situation that nobody could have expected." [People]
• Lamar Odom says he's very happy with his new girlfriend, Khloe Kardashian: "Khloe is smart and beautiful and that is very hard to find." [USWeekly]
• Blind Item #1: "Which son of a beloved rock icon has an impostor? The lookalike goes to S&M parties, wearing the same glasses his late "father" did, and doesn't correct people when they assume he's rock royalty — but the impostor went too far by volunteering to appear as a foot-worshipping slave in a kinky video." [PageSix]
• Blind Item #2: "Which curvaceous starlet and her new Hollywood hubby were reckless at a swanky LA hotel recently? The normally private twosome were spotted snorting cocaine in front of other guests." [PageSix]
• "I could do the splits when I was nine months pregnant. I could put my leg over my head still. I used to be a ballerina." -Ashlee Simpson [USWeekly]
• Britney Spears surprised fans by singing Alanis Morrissette's "You Oughta Know" live at a concert last night without a backing track: there's video, and she's actually not too bad. [TheSun]
• "I want to take my acting as far as I can. I think one of the best things in my life is that I got to see at a young age what I wanted to be."-Rumer Willis [People]
• Uh-oh: has Victoria Beckham's decision to pose for Elle actually hurt her chances to pose for Vogue? A source says yes: "Victoria hoped to land the Vogue cover but it fell through weeks ago. She decided to pose for Elle instead and now Vogue won't consider her for at least four months." [DailyMail]
• Prince Harry and ex-girlfriend Chelsy Davy: back together. [DailyMail]
• "The industry is a beast. I struggle with the notion that you can put your best foot forward and it can all mean nothing. People tell you on a Friday that your life's gonna change by Monday. But then comes Monday and you still don't feel like you've got it." -Eric Bana[JustJared]
• Despite overwhelmingly negative reviews, All About Steve took in about 3.57 million dollars on Friday, coming in second place at the box office. [EW]
• "If you read good reviews, you become self-conscious about the bits they like, and it starts to make those bits tacky - as if you're churning them out. And if you get bad reviews, they're going to crush your ego. It's like vinegar in the wound. So there's no point in reading them."-Jude Law [NYTimes]
• "I grew up believing my sister was from the planet Neptune and had been sent down to Earth to kill me. I believed this because my sister Emily convinced me of it when I was a toddler. I think she'd seen Invasion Of The Body Snatchers and her imagination ran away with her. There's a part of me that still believes it. I have moments when I think, 'Hmm, could that be true?' Occasionally I ask my sister about it and she responds by pulling an alien face, which only confuses matters."- Zooey Deschanel on her sister, Emily Deschanel. [DailyMail]

• Sandra Bullock is allegedly helping Ryan Reynolds get through a rough patch in his marriage to Scarlett Johansson. Hopefully her advice doesn't include "watch All About Steve together." [ShowbizSpy]

• "Sandra told Ryan the most important thing is that he and Scarlett need to make time for one another, even though they both have busy schedules," says a source, "She told him, ‘There is no substitute for togetherness.' Sandra pointed out that she and Jesse take quick vacations together - just hopping on the back of his bike and hitting the road.Ryan listens to Sandra because he has tremendous respect for her as a person and an actress." [ShowbizSpy]
• DJ AM's girlfriend, Haley Wood, gave a moving speech at his memorial service last week: "I will never be the same without him. A part of me has passed away with him. Even the warmest of days will never compare to the warmth I felt when I touched him. He was my soulmate, and now he is my soul. He was my amazing grace." [People]
• Your Daily Mail Headline Of The Day: "Sienna Miller Goes Public With Another Man...But At Least This One's Not Married." [DailyMail]
• "I am single and a workaholic and very lonely. But I'm good. Me and my vibrator are very happy."-Lady GaGa [TheSun]
• "I was surprised and pleased by how extremely knowledgeable about fashion and articulate Lindsay Lohan was. She's very young and can be portrayed in ways that aren't all together flattering, and she was a true statesperson and really weighed in on the designers and what they were doing exceptionally well. And it was really a thrill to have her."-Tim Gunn on Lindsay Lohan's guest spot on Project Runway. [IOL]
• Former Real Housewife of Orange County Lynne Curtin has been accused of stealing $5000 worth of furniture from a home she moved out of last week. [TMZ]
• Kelsey Grammer is throwing a Studio 54-themed 40th birthday party for his wife, Camille. A source claims the theme was "inspired by Camille's days as the principal dancer on 'Club MTV.'" [PageSix]
• "'There's nothing funny about someone who's completely secure. Vulnerabilities and cracks in the armor are what's funny. And what's really funny is someone who's attempting to hold a shield up to those things and thinking that they're pulling it off.''-Jason Bateman [NYTimes]
• A source claims that Paula Abdul hopes to "destroy" American Idol with a TV version of her one-woman show: "Paula believes she's got the draw of a Cher or Bette Midler and she's determined to rub the noses of the ‘Idol' bosses in her success. She's funneling her anger and resentment into making this project a hit. She wants to strike back." [ShowbizSpy]
• "I honestly don't know. What he said is he's trying to get what's best for him and best for me. He said it had nothing to do with talent. And I'm just going to go on that. That was his only explanation. He's looking at the whole mix of the show and maybe he feels that what I bring would be better served on a sitcom. They hired two new gals [Jenny Slate and Nasim Pedrad] that I think are going to be exquisite."- Michaela Watkins on Lorne Michaels firing her from Saturday Night Live [EW]
• Rosie Perez and Jennifer Lopez are reportedly battling for the rights to bring Judge Sonia Sotomayor's life story to the big screen. [DailyExpress]
• O.J. Simpson will remain in prison: a judge has denied his request to be let out of jail while he appeals his convictions for armed robbery and kidnapping. [DailyExpress]
• Want to hear John Krasinski read a bedtime story? You're in luck: he's recorded a reading of "Aladdin" for Speakaboos. [E!]
• Khloe Kardashian is reportedly dating L.A. Lakers star Lamar Odom. [E!]
• "I would never want the responsibility of being the prettiest girl onscreen. Growing up with a mother like mine gives you a skewed idea of what a mother should look like. My mother's jeans are smaller than mine!"- Rumer Willis [ShowbizSpy]
• Kanye West was caught on tape screaming "Don't follow me!" at a paparazzi, who proceeded to apologize to Kanye...and then followed him anyway. WHY WON'T YOU LET HIM BE GREAT, PAPARAZZI?!?!? [ONTD]
• "God, I really wish I could go loose on this one. He's like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he's a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he's not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he's so awkward, so hopelessly awkward." -Megan Fox on Michael Bay [JustJared]

Short women can only wonder at the boldness of someone like Kaya Jones, who will voluntarily remove four inches of her height by means of black-hole booties.


I'm hoping this gratuitous ruffle trend is short-lived, but I'm also hoping Working Girl ensembles like Leah Pipes' are eternal.


Keana Texeira's jolly goth flapper is a middle schooler's Hot Topic dream!


Casey Reinhardt's beggar maid would look considerably more put-together if the belt fit!


Margo Harshman's girdle swings a little Godfather II, but you can't beat an elegant column.


Briana Evigan's Mae West just cries out for a plumed headdress.


I'm over trash bag chic, but there's something kind of adorable about Jamie Chung's frock.


Caroline D'Amore: bridal lingerie on top, milkmaid on the bottom!


Oh my gosh. Rumer Willis looks amazing. If she continues to wear ensembles this completely awesome, I will concede that, despite a lack of serious career, she deserves a place in the pop culture firmament.


Let's put it this way: in 9/10 of the pictures from this event, Carrie Fisher is giving the camera the finger.


Demi Moore's dress is fussy and lumpy. And yet, she looks good. Discuss.

[Images via Getty]

• In the teaser footage from Larry King Live, it seemed like Chris Brown didn't remember assaulting Rihanna. But Chris has released a statement which reads:

"There have been reports on the Internet that I didn't remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight. That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like four or five times – and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said. The first four times – or however many times it was – I gave the same answer – which was that I didn't think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn't fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, 'Do you remember doing it?' and I said, 'No.' Of course I remember what happened. Several times during the interview, my mother said that I came to her right afterwards and told her everything. But it was and still is a blur. And yes, I still can't believe it happened because it is not me or who I am, nor is what happened like anything I have ever done before." There's more, but it's similarly vague. He does say he wants to talk to a counselor about what happened and how to channel his anger. [People, TMZ]

• Madonna and Jesus Luz were at the Western Wall in Jerusalem's Old City, and caused a "frenzy" of onlookers and paparazzi. Madonna wore high heels, blue jeans and a black jacket; Jesus wore a black T-shirt and a blank expression. [Daily Mail]
• In an interview with TV Guide, Paula Abdul talks about her emotional farewell from American Idol. "You know, to say ‘no regrets' isn't easy," Paula said. "I feel like I have been such a big, huge part of the success of the show from day one. I loved being able to be the artist's artist; being there from my point of view of knowing what it feels like to be vulnerable and to be out there wanting to achieve the most magical moment in a minute and 30 seconds. To be able to do that was an amazing experience and the show was wonderful for me in that regard." But she will not be taken advantage of! "I stand on principle where many people stand on money," she explained. "I'm a hard-working artist. I've lasted in this business for 23 years. And you can't do that unless you are good at what you do. I believe in myself and you have to have your own self-respect." [MSNBC]
• Paula Abdul will be on TV — playing a judge on Drop Dead Diva and hosting VH1's Divas concert. [USA Today]
• While in Las Vegas, Jon Gosselin was seen jewelry shopping. He looked at a few pinky rings, but mostly checked out engagement rings. [Radar Online]
• Paris Jackson got her hair cut and her security collected the hair from the floor and put it in a bag so no one could take a strand and do some kind of DNA test. [MSNBC via Daily Mail]
• Michael Jackson had been requesting hospital-grade sedatives in order to sleep since 1994. [MSNBC]
• OMG: Soleil Moon Frye dressed up as Punky Brewster for her Twitter fans. Sunburst hair barrettes, stripey socks, a key around the neck. Holy macanoli. Video here. [TMZ, Ustream]
• Pete Wentz is working on a new comic book series, Fall Out Toy Works, and says: "I think after you have a kid, all of a sudden you want to do things that your kid can see." But the comic image at the link depicts robot girl with giant breasts and a mini-waist, which doesn't seem appropriate for 9-month-old Bronx. [USA Today]
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Whoopi Goldberg and Barbara Walters were not even watching the Daytime Emmy Awards when The View won this year, after 11 years on the air. Joy Behar joked: "I always said that the key to success was showing up - this time I was wrong." [Gatecrasher]
• "Consider this year's slate of Emmy nominees for best actress in a drama: Sally Field, 62; Holly Hunter, 50; Glenn Close, 62; Mariska Hargitay, 45, and Kyra Sedgwick, 43. The single exception on the list is Elisabeth Moss, the ambitious, naive Peggy Olson in Mad Men, which recently returned for its third season. If Moss, who is 27, were to win, she would be the youngest winner in the category's history." [Philadelphia Inquirer]
• Kim Mathers did an interview with a Detroit radio station about her ex-husband, Eminem. She did not hold back, saying: "I can't stand him. He's an absolutely horrible person and he gets worse every day. I vomit in my mouth whenever I'm around him or I hear his name. There's nothing left in me for him. Nothing at all. He's not very well endowed. If you're going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work." [The Sun]
• Real Housewives Of New York City is filming again; a crew was seen at Jill Zarin's fabric firm yesterday. But a source says there are two new women "waiting in the wings." [Page Six]
• Here's the reason Amy Winehouse was seen with magic marker freckles on her nose: Blake Fielder-Civil used to call her his "lioness." A source says: "She painted the orange marks on her nose and wore a tiger-print top so that Blake would notice." Uh, do lions have freckles? [The Sun]
• Jay-Z will mark the eighth anniversary of 9/11 with a concert to benefit the families of New York's Finest and Bravest who died that day. [Page Six]
• Interested in a story linking Sharon Osbourne, Ryan Jenkins, Jasmine Fiore, Michael Jackson, Tommy Lee Jones ... and Kevin Bacon? [TMZ]
• Keanu Reeves will star in and produce Henry's Crime, a romcom about a bighearted man who is falsely accused of robbing a bank in Buffalo. [Variety]
• Tia and Tamera Mowry will star in a Lifetime move called Double Wedding. Twin sisters begin dating the same man; cue hijinks. [Variety]
• In an interview to air on September 11, ESPN reporter Erin Andrews tells Oprah that having secretly taped nude footage of her on the internet was a "nightmare." [AP]
• "Stephen Fry: gorillas staring at my moobs inspired weight loss. Stephen Fry has said he was inspired to lose five-stone in weight when he noticed gorillas eyeing-up his ''man boobs'' with jealousy." [Telegraph]
• Shania Twain has been "moving on" since her marriage broke up last year: She is nnow with the husband of the woman her husband had an affair with and will be a guest judge on American Idol. [Reuters]
• Whatshername has spent £150,000 on a new dressage horse "which she is calling Cross Dresser." [The Sun]
• Whatshername met her new boyfriend's parents. [Mirror]
• "I was raped when I was younger, more than once." — Katie "Jordan" Price. [The Sun]
• "[When I first met him] he was wearing an EPMD T-shirt, which let me know he knew and loved classic hip-hop music and was a true fan of the culture. He was excited to meet me and told me what the show I used to host, Yo! MTV Raps, meant to his music development. He really wanted me to sign his DVD of my film Wild Style, which I sadly never got to do. I would later check him out in numerous clips on YouTube where I could see he was truly talented and was elevating the DJ game to new heights along with Travis Barker on the drums. DJ AM and I would exchange small messages on Twitter and I'd often notice him tweet about how he'd landed safely in whatever town he was in as a year ago he survived that tragic plane crash. His last tweet and looking at his @djam twitter page now looks like a monument to a fallen soldier in the culture war, which he was winning. R.I.P. DJ AM...and the BEAT GOES ON!!!!" — Fab Five Freddy. [The Daily Beast]
• "I try to [Twitter]. My parents are way better at it, obviously, than me. I keep trying to figure out, like, do people really care if I'm, like, 'hey, I'm doing my laundry!' [laughs] I keep trying to figure it out, but I'm working on it." — Rumer Willis. She also reveals that her middle sister, Scout, is fluent in French. [JustJared]
• "My early life from infancy to leaving home at 16 was spent in care. I had some wonderful social workers who supported me and helped me achieve my goals in life. That's why it's important to recruit more social workers. There are many people out there, whether they be children, families, vulnerable adults, even the aged, who need a social worker. I want to enable them to have the support they need. Help us to help them, and maybe one day they may help you." — Samantha Morton. [Guardian]
• "If you are old you're not going to play young leads any more, that's a fact. In the film world, the camera loves a young person, man or woman. That's a fact... None of these things are ever going to change. So absorb it, live with it, get over it. I'm not being unkind, but I'm just saying millions of crones like me shouldn't suddenly be given the lead in things, just because we're damn old and very ... sort of recalcitrant." — Joanna Lumley. [Telegraph]
• "There was a photo of me with weird sunglasses on and a green sweatshirt, some striped thing, with tights and cowboy boots. Something really random where in some sense it's me. To this day, I have never read the article. I just saw the photo and thought, 'God, I look crazy in that photograph!' " — Mary-Kate Olsen. [Page Six]

[New York, August 31. Image via WENN]

[London, August 26. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

• According to this report, Mischa Barton was taken from her home last week because she was so high on coke friends were afraid she was going to kill herself. [NY Post]

• A source says of Mischa Barton: "She is a mess. She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess." [The Sun]
• Madonna has visited the family of a worker killed in a stage collapse in France and will meet with three other people hurt in the accident. [UPI]
• Someone stole three boxes of clothing from L.A. stylist Jennifer Rade Thursday night. Who was Rade's client? Who was she collecting dresses for? Angelina Jolie. [Page Six]
• "Single Jessica Simpson Keeps A Low Profile." You mean she's not running around in circles chirping "I'm single! I'm single!"? Huh. [People]
• Nick Lachey says there is no truth to the rumor that he and Jessica Simpson might reunite: "I haven't talked to her in probably two years," Nick says. "I wish her happiness. That's where it pretty much ends." [People]
• Prince was spotted on a first class flight from Minneapolis to La Guardia. He was reading Elle magazine, carrying a gold- and diamond-encrusted walking stick and wearing flip-flops with sparkly silver socks. Whoever spotted him has pretty much had the best day of his or her life and it's all downhill from here. [Page Six]
• Gwyneth Paltrow: "Furious" that Scarlett Johansson is upstaging her. See, ScarJo is on the new Iron Man 2 cover of Entertainment Weekly, and in the new publicity shots; Gwynnie is not. [The Sun]
• David Beckham played his first home game with the L.A. Galaxy this year — and was booed by haters. One fan jumped over some seats to confront Beckham and ended up getting arrested. [AP]
• When we saw this Jean-Charles de Castelbajac ensemble, we were like, who the hell would wear that? Well, the answer, of course, is: Lady Gaga. [BuzzFeed]
• Kate Gosselin and the kids were in New York on Saturday to do a photo shoot for TLC; there was some kind of kerfluffle between security guards outside of the photo studio and paparazzi — the guards used umbrellas, styrofoam boards and folding tables to keep the snappers back; the kids had to be hustled into the studio. "It must have been very upsetting for the kids," says one observer. [People]
• Jon Gosselin's girlfriend Hailey Glassman went to fat camp before college, but would cheat by going to Panda Express. Apparently this was before her alleged "coke diet." [Perez]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin have been split up and living separately since last year, and Jon didn't start dating until after the divorce. [People]
• Wait, what? Jon Gosselin is dating a Star magazine reporter named Kate Major? [Gatecrasher]
• Concert promoter AEG is auctioning off the rights to the rehearsal footage of Michael Jackson's "This Is It" tour, and no Jackson family members are involved in the sale. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Looks like Sony Pictures is close to closing a deal to make a feature film out of the Michael Jackson rehearsal footage. [Variety]
• La Toya Jackson penned a "tribute single" after her brother's death and it will be available on iTunes on July 28. [Mirror]
• TMZ reported that Jermaine, Tito and Jackie Jackson would be performing at the Jamaican Reggae Summerfest. But Jermaine says: "TMZ needs to get their facts straight. We're not going to Jamaica." [E!]
• Tito Jackson seems to blame Dr. Conrad Murray for Michael Jackson's death, saying: "My opinion is that he panicked when my brother didn't wake up… He did have a pulse but he couldn't bring him back. I don't know what the time lapse was between the doctor finding him and when he called paramedics. But I believe if he had immediately called for help we might still have my brother here today, he would definitely still be alive." [Mirror]
• An anonymous senior law enforcement official says there will not be a murder charge in the Michael Jackson case. [UPI]
• Is Katherine Jackson trying to object to the executors named in Michael Jackson's will? And if so, why? There's a "no contest" clause in the will, meaning anyone who files objections to the will automatically gets no money. Is she being manipulated… by Joe? [TMZ]
• This report claims that Janet Jackson has offered to raise Michael's children, and loves them like they are her own. [The Sun]
• Russell Crowe is a hero! No, really: He helped out "a real-life damsel in distress" on the set of his new Robin Hood film. A crew member's car went up in flames when she was on her way to work. She told her colleagues about her scary experience, and Russell made a joke about it — but then ended up giving her enough cash to buy a new car. [Mirror, NY Daily News]
• Paula Abdul does not have a new contract to appear on American Idol for another season, which is probably more of a publicity stunt than an actual possibility that she won't return to the show. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Nevertheless, there's a #keeppaula Twitter trend. [LA Times]
• One reason Paula Abdul might not have a contract: She's holding out for more money. Apparently she makes around $2.5 mil a year, compared to the $15 a year Ryan Seacrest gets. [TMZ]
• Gossip Girls Michelle Trachtenberg and Jessica Szohr, as well as Rumer Willis, Ali Lohan and Stephanie Pratt attended a Charlotte Russe event in NYC last week, where a model playing air guitar almost hit a waiter in the head. [WWD]
• 50 Cent has been trying to sell his is giant mansion in Connecticut — the one that used to belong to Mike Tyson — which has 19 bedrooms, 37 bathrooms and a club with stripper poles. He's knocked about $4 million off the price, so if you have $10.9 million, it's all yours. [The Sun, Hartford Courant]
• Emma Thompson is looking frumpy and old-fashioned: She's filming Nanny McPhee 2! [Daily Mail]
• Jon Stewart has sent Daily Show DVDs to a 32-year-old man with leukemia and has offered to give the guy a tour of the set. [UPI]
• When Kylie Minogue and Spanish beau Andres Velencoso were arguing in a NYC club last week, he pulled out a camera and photographed her while she was upset. A source says: "He's making a collage of Kylie and has already got three albums full of photos of her, which he hopes to publish some day." [Daily Express]
• A source says of John Mayer: "Several years ago when he was dating Jessica Simpson, he couldn't go to her birthday party because he was on tour. So the night of her birthday she had dinner with [hairdresser] Ken Paves and a few friends. Everyone thought John would forget her birthday, but then a gift arrived from him — it was a DVD of him in concert. Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, 'being with him.' It was so sad." [Page Six]
• Zzzz: Peaches Geldof fell asleep during a TV interview with Fearne Cotton. [The Sun]
• "Kim Cattrall and toy boy split because he 'refused to be a kept man'" [Daily Mail]
• Jay-Z sips white wine as he is interviewed about The Blueprint 3, his 11th studio album, due in September — eight years to the day after the debut of the original Blueprint. "I wanted to bring it full circle," he says. "The first Blueprint was based on soul samples and more of a place where I came from and the records I listened to growing up with my mom and pop. This Blueprint, I liken it to a new classic, simply because we — Usher, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, myself — are becoming the people that we looked up to musically growing up, like Marvin Gaye and Frank Sinatra." [Reuters]
• "Sienna Miller: 'I nearly burnt my breasts making GI Joe.'" [Daily Mail]
• Morgan Freeman is in talks to star with Bruce Willis in Red, based on the WildStorm/DC Comic. [Variety]
• Singer Christina Milian and producer/singer The Dream: Engaged. [NY Daily News]
• Click the link if you'd like to see video of Willem Dafoe talking about Lars von Trier's controversial thriller Antichrist. You know, the one where Charlotte Gainsbourg takes a blunt object to Dafoe's [ genitalia? [Guardian]
• Dazed Digital: There's a lot of nudity in the film so, I have to ask, is that actually your…
  Willem Dafoe: … Penis? No, it's not mine. Lars used a porn actor for those scenes. It was a good decision because, if it was me, then that's all that people would talk about. Obviously Lars wants the characters to have genitals but it would become a distraction: ‘Oh, they really had sex!' If he had asked me to do it, I don't know what I would have said. [Dazed Digital]
• Once, David Byrne almost hit Paris Hilton with his bike. [Page Six]
• RIP Frank McCourt. [NY Daily News]
• Blind item! "Which troubled starlet got her first big break on TV by sending the producer a tape of herself having sex with another girl? The producer thought the ploy was so original, he cast her instead of dozens of other ingénues." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which perennial bachelor princeling should be more careful? While His Serene Highness was cavorting on a yacht in the Mediterranean with a hunky guy, he thought the servants on board would keep their mouths shut. He was wrong." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which creepy dude and his posse of pals take photos of their overnight lady guests while the women are sleeping and tack them up on a 'Wall of Shame' afterward?" [Gatecrasher]
• "He put my son to shame! I provided my son with the best martial artists in the world, and he could not be persuaded to try it. In just two months, Jaden had learned so much. He is truly a talented boy." — Jackie Chan says Will Smith's son, who will star in Kung Fu Kid, is better at martial arts than his own son. [NY Daily News]
• "Anderson was just amazing. He said that the seven most horrifying words you can hear from a mother are, 'I'm going to write an erotic novel.' But he's fine with it, and of course I gave it to him before I even sent it off." — Gloria Vanderbilt, on her new book. The 85-year-old also says: "I think it's a work of art. The age of the artist is not what we're talking about. I mean, it's as if you looked at a painting and said, How old was the person that painted this? You really don't think in those terms." [Time]
• "When I started out, I'm not sure I was actually in it for the right reasons. I wanted very much to be famous. I did expect to succeed and I did have faith that I would. In reality, though, it has turned out to be something very different to what I wanted. It's the work and not the adulation that has proved to be the most fulfilling." — Gerard Butler. [Telegraph]
• "I have a boyfriend now, but I've been linked to so many guys I sound like a wanton woman. People say to me, 'Oh, it must be so easy for you, dating and boys.' It's really not easy. I suppose guys are either intimidated by me and have their defenses up, or they take the piss out of me. And I'm surrounded by cute older guys on set. That's my problem. It's a minefield, to be honest. It's stressful." — Emma Watson. [Mirror]
• "I'm sure I would have liked to have seen my parents more, and at that time, we did come second. But I like to think of them in Paris, having fun, not thinking too much ... And it was a different time." — Charlotte Gainsbourg, on being the daughter of free spirits French singer Serge Gainsbourg and the English actress Jane Birkin. [Independent]
• "He was the most important voice in our lives for thirty years. And that voice made people reach for the stars. I hate the world without Walter Cronkite." — George Clooney. [Yahoo News via E!]

Camilla Abry's fauvist cruisewear kind of exemplifies the dress code for this event.


To wit: Estella Warren


Kate Linder (she's on The Young and the Restless) ups the ante with a Pucci-esque blast from the bad trip past.


Trying to puzzle out the material of Lady Victoria Hervey's skirt.


Brigitta Demarcio's boots kind of say it all.


These, by the way, are the designers: Peder B¿rresen, Stefan Dahlkvist and Simen Staalnacke.


Rumer Willis is practically demure in comparison - despite a Crayola palette!


[Images via Getty]

The Good: Sienna Miller's tunic, while somewhat reminiscent of the Kate Moss for Top Shop collection (which is v good), is cute and fun in that MTV Awards-apropos way.


The Good: Again, how fun is Monique Coleman's futuristic majorette?


The Good: Briana Evigan's neutral jersey may be one of the most sedate numbers on the red carpet, but it's also one of the prettiest.


The Good: LeAnn Rimes' wicked queen getup? Rock on.


The Good: Aw, is Anna Faris' adorable puffball a tribute to Lacroix?


The Good: Okay here's another one that you couldn't get away with on a network red carpet: digging Lil Mama's Lisa Frank palette!


The Good: Imagine if we weren't sick to death of horizontals and geometrics and stripery of any kind due to all the bandages? How fresh and darling would CariDee English's one-shoulder look?


The Good: Is Taraji P. Henson's the most ridiculous concoction on a ridiculous red carpet? Mais oui! Just when we thought we couldn't love her more!


The Good: Okay, Rumer Willis' stained-glass thingamabob is vaguely horrible, but admit it, it's also vaguely awesome! (Right?)


The Good: I realized over the weekend that the main problem with The City is that "You Belong to the City," the most stirring urban anthem of the 1980s, isn't the theme song.


The Good: How super-duper is Ashley Greene's hair? Girl-group fab, right?


The Bad: Paris Hilton's commitment to living the Barbie lifestyle is really unquestionable.


The Bad: Vanessa Hudgens is gorgeous, and maybe this draped sheet could work if her accessories hadn't been selected by a 5-year-old-hippie.


The Bad: Okay, props to L.C. for taking a chance. But her Degas-Lacroix leaves one scrambling desperately for something nice to say before moving on because you see a Jonas brother over by the bar.


The Bad: You know how they say horizontal lines break up the body in an unflattering fashion? Megan Fox disagrees.


The Bad: Jayde Nicole provides the obligatory showgirl-by-Cache element! (Last year's MTV MA's was my first GBU and I was so scared and humbled by the responsibility! Now it's like, whatevs, bring me a doll and a stalk of rhubarb with maple sugar on it.)


The Bad: Just a guess: Shar Jackson likes chains and buckles.


Leighton Meester continues her foray into the world of un-Waldorfian fashion with an assless exercise in immoderation. What say you?


Okay, KriStew and Twilight are emotionally charged, so let's just step back and find out what say you about this Bella-Swann-ready show of ambivilalence!


Guess Sandy's promoting Domineering-Boss-Who-Strongarms-Assistant-Into-Marrying-Me, and clearly selected an MTV-ready look. What Say You?


Besides those of you who hate minis unilaterally - well, you too, of course - what say you about Kristen Bell's teensy hourglass?


Bruno would do violence if he didn't rep The Ugly.

[Images via Getty]

• Miley Cyrus was photographed wearing a bikini in the Bahamas; the 16-year-old Tweeted a joke about her "jiggling thighs," but then went off on critics who called her fat:

"Talk all you want. I have my flaws. I'm a normal girl, there's things about my body I would change but stop with calling me f*t… People that are so okay with being so hateful disgust me and need to spend last time on a gossip website and more time a. reading your bible b. reading stories/articles about what happens when cyber abuse and name calling happens. Kids hurt themselves." The sage Disney star added: "oh and ps if your thighs don't jiggle go see a doctor. thanks" [Daily Mail]

• This report claims that Mariah Carey "threw a fit" in Cannes before the premiere of Precious because the director, Lee Daniels, was late. But an eyewitness says she was "in a great mood" at the after party and Daniels says, "I was not late." Another day, another faux drama. [Gatecrasher]
• Madonna, David Banda, Jesus Luz and Lourdes went to a Kabbalah service over the weekend, but no one seems to know if Madge and Jesus had a commitment ceremony or not. One thing is for sure: Lourdes going to the synagogue Kaballah center wearing a Ghostbusters t-shirt under her white button down = awesome. [Daily Mail]
• Bradley Cooper says the rumor about he and Jennifer Aniston dating is toro caca: "My mom loves it, but unfortunately it's not true." [People]
• Now that Cameron Diaz has split from Paul Sculfor, she was seen having a lunch date with Adam Levine from Maroon 5. He's on the herpes tree, right? [Daily Mail]
• Cynthia Nixon: Engaged to longtime girlfriend Christine Marinoni. [ET]
• Naomi Campbell is dating Russian billionaire Vladislav Doronin, whom this paper calls "the man who has tamed" her. Because, you know, wimminz is craycray without a good man. Here is an actual sentence from the piece: "Perhaps it is Vladislav's relaxed manner that has calmed her down. Or maybe Naomi, 38, finds the property tycoon's massive bank balance – said to be £1.5billion – a reassuring influence. One thing's for sure…she isn't attracted by his dodgy fashion sense, judging by those swim shorts – nor his 'man boobs.'" [Mirror]
• Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds and Betty White star in this hilarious Funny or Die video and frankly, Ms. White steals the show. Too bad it's basically viral marketing for The Proposal. [Funny Or Die]
• A few days ago, there was a "ruckus" at Paris Hilton's house; turns out someone prank called the heiress and told her that Tinkerbell was roadkill on Mulholland Drive. Paris freaked out; neighbors thought they heard an argument and called cops; they really want Paris out of the neighborhood. Sigh. [TMZ]
• Dustin Lance Black, who wrote Milk, is glad Miss California Carrie Prejean kept her crown: "What I think she does is help identify a population that we need to reach out to," he says. "The only way we could get through to some of these groups that vote against us on election day is by telling our stories. That process of education breaks down the stereotypes, the lies and the myths. I'm actually glad [Carrie] didn't lose her job." [Yahoo News via E!]
• Beyoncé is obsessed with Sex And The City and thinks of herself as a Carrie: "She was the person who held all the friendships together." [Mirror]
• "Amber Tamblyn and David Cross Make Out In Public." [Page Six]
• James Gray, who directed Two Lovers, says Gwyneth Paltrow asked him to inspect her breasts: "Gwyneth told me, 'I don't care about nudity, I'll give you everything you need. But I've had two children and I just don't think they look very good any more. Do me a favour, come into my trailer and I'll show them to you and if you think they look OK I'll do it.' So I marched in there and I told her they looked great." And! if you want to see one, nipple and all, click the link. [The Sun]
• Emily Blunt was supposed to be in Get Him To The Greek with Russell Brand, playing a "sex-crazed" pop star who beds Brand's character. But: "She got cold feet and pulled out. She's no prude but the stumbling block was that her character had far too many explicit love scenes." [Daily Express]
• Ricky Gervais wore pajamas to the white house. [The Sun]
• A reporter spoke to Chelsy Davy about her ex, Prince Harry, and writes this: "At a recent dinner the blonde South African, who dated Harry for four years, was asked why she had split with the Prince. She shot me a look of disdain and replied: 'Because he cheated on me.'" [Mirror]
• Is Fergie bisexual? She says: "Put it this way, I've experimented definitely, but I have never had a steady girlfriend." [The Sun]
• Farrah Fawcett's son, currently serving a jail sentence, was allowed to visit her on Friday — the same day Farrah's Story aired — to "say goodbye." [NY Daily News]
• There may be another cut of Farrah's Story in the works, emphasizing that her type of cancer is curable if caught early. [MSNBC]
• Michael Jackson has said he will not perform with Janet and the Jackson 5, but some concert promoter is still trying to make it happen, and if it doesn't, he'll sue MJ. [TMZ]
• Also, contrary to earlier reports, Michael Jackson does not have skin cancer. A spokesperson says the singer "doesn't have any diseases whatsoever." [Guardian]
• Ewan McGregor wants to get a pilot's license but frets that he won't be able to rack up flying hours: "What worries me about it is if I get the licence, what happens if I'm always going away? I don't like to fly when I'm making a movie, so I'm gonna be the most inconsistent pilot." [Daily Express]
• Amy Adams, who is engaged but "too busy" to plan a wedding, says she prepared for Night At The Museum 2 to be on IMAX screens by doing Pilates "as often as I could." [People]
• Rumer Willis guest stars tonight on Medium, alongside Angelica Huston; executive producer Glenn Gordon Caron was the one who gave Rumer's dad, Bruce Willis, his big break in Moonlighting. [AP]
• Oh, and Rumer Willis is a fan of Twitter: "It's a great place for starting a new era of people being less harsh or judgmental. You can really get to know people and everybody is just a human. Just because they have a different job doesn't make them any less a person than anybody else." [AP]
• A psychic who works as a producer on The Ghost Whisperer knew Jennifer Love Hewitt would never marry actor Ross McCall. Freaky! [Page Six]
• Katie "Jordan" Price and Peter Andre are holding "crisis talks" to try and saved their shattered marriage. Although she is in the Maldives and he is in Cyprus. [Daily Mail]
• this paper asks Kristin Scott Thomas: Have you kept in touch with Prince? I read that the song "Better With Time," on his last album, was an ode to you. She replies: "If it's true, it's fantastic. He came to see "The Seagull" [when Scott Thomas was acting on Broadway last year] and was completely wowed by it. A lot of people knew what we were doing and he just turned up. He is incredibly intelligent and talented - if he's written a song for me, it's just the most wonderful present. He's just brilliant, brilliant, brilliant at what he does. What's really great about getting older is that down the road you meet people you haven't seen for a long time and they're still doing something you really admire." Thomas's film debut was as a topless French socialite in Under The Cherry Moon. [NY Daily News]
• Mary Carey, a former patient of Dr. Drew Pinksy, has released a porn titled Celebrity Pornhab with Dr. Screw. [TMZ]
• Did you know that Catherine Zeta-Jones used to be engaged to Hollywood producer Jon Peters — the same guy who's been dishing about Barbra Streisand? [Daily Mail]
• Balthazar Getty and Sienna Miller are over, for real this time. Sienna is now "getting friendly" with Josh Hartnett. [Mirror]
• Jason Priestley and his wife rushed their 1-year-old daughter Ava from a Von's grocery store to the hospital on Saturday — no one knows what happened, but he kid is okay. When i was a kid i got my finger pinched by the wheel while sitting in the bottom of a Kroger shopping cart and the butcher wrapped it up with tape. True story. [TMZ]
• Larry King's 11th book is a memoir; the man has been married eight times to seven women. He's had a personal relationship with every president since Richard Nixon. He says: "If you're going to write an autobiography, you can't leave things out." [USA Today]
• There will be a Broadway musical based on First Wives Club. You're been warned. [Variety]
• William Hurt, Jessica Chastain and Vanessa Redgrave will appear in Ralph Fiennes' directorial debut, Coriolanus, which is a Shakespearean Roman tragedy but will be set in the current day as a political thriller. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Tilda Swinton will star in a film (based on a novel) called We Need to Talk About Kevin. She'll play a "smart, educated New York mother who does her best to raise a son she never wanted in the first place." [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Liam Neeson and Jennifer Connelly will star in What's Wrong With Virginia, and the film will be the directorial debut of Dustin Lance Black, the Oscar-winning screenwriter of Milk. [Variety]
• Rita Wilson has sold a script; it's a comedy called Terms Of Embarrassment, and revolves around a middle-aged couple who wind up attending the same college as their son. Although she produced My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Mamma Mia!, this is her first script sale. [Variety]
• Milla Jovovich will star alongside Robert De Niro and Edward Norton in the psychological thriller Stone. [Variety]
• Slumdog Millionaire child star Ayush Mahesh Khedekar got another job! He'll co-star in a Swiss film called Shyam's Secret. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• If you want to know what kind of tunes Quentin Tarantino uses as "music to kill Nazis by" in his new flick, Inglourious Basterds, click the link. [Page Six]
• Star Trek wasn't strong enough to take the top spot at the box office two weekends in a row: Angels & Demons beat the sci-fi flick with $48 mil. [NY Daily News]
• Sadie Frost is reportedly working on a tell-all book, in which she will dish about "infamous bedhopping sessions" involving ex-hubby Jude Law, Supergrass drummer Danny Goffey and his wife Pearl Lowe (mother of Daisy). [Mirror]
• "It was the pills I was taking; they had my mood really fucked up. I was already depressed and with the drugs it just became a vicious cycle of depression. And as if my drug problem wasn't bad enough, when Proof died it was like, 'Son of a bitch, what I am going to do now?' I went through a lot when he died. It was the worst time in my life. It just gave me a real legitimate excuse, in my head at least, to use drugs. I didn't care if my drug problem got worse at that point so I took more pills. And the more I said fuck it and took more pills, the higher my tolerance got. The higher my tolerance got, the more I needed those pills in my body just to feel normal and not feel sick. It's a vicious cycle. I got over it all last year. I ended up coming out of all that shit that was cluttering my mind and as I came up out of the haze from the pills and everything, shit started to get clearer." — Eminem, whose album, Relapse, drops tomorrow. [Guardian]
• "It feels a little too self-loathing to me. When I go back and listen to it… it just feels like I'm pissing and moaning about whatever. It sounds like in my head I feel like I have all these things to piss and moan about. And maybe I did, maybe I didn't, I don't know, but to actually bring that kind of shit to the forefront like that, I just don't agree with it." — Eminem on his last album, Encore. [Guardian]
• "One of the main connections I had with my character was that journey that you go through when you're about to have a baby. I could relate to the people giving you so much information that you didn't need or want or ask for and also having some of it be completely outrageous." — Maya Rudolph, on her film, Away We Go, which also stars John Krasinski. [UPI]
• "Some girls were mean. They made fun of me because I dressed differently. Nuns ran my school, so I was suppressing this part of myself for a long time. It wasn't until later that I realized my true passions were music, art and performance... definitely shock art." — Lady GaGa. [Daily Mail]
• "I don't know if I'm fashion-obsessed. I think when I'm working, yes, but when I'm at home I usually wear the same thing every day. I have my straight-leg jeans and a pair of Christian Louboutins and a little jacket and a white shirt. I get sent about 15 designer bags a month. I can only imagine how much they cost. Even I wouldn't buy some of them." — Beyoncé. [Mirror]
• Speaking of age, you turn 49 next week. You're famously candid about aging, especially for an actress. "They did tell me to shut up a long time ago: 'You mustn't say you're 35, say you're 30.' I thought, 'This is ridiculous! Why should I?' In English and American cinema, people my age are immediately categorized into either campy, kind of clowny middle-aged women making them appear much older than they really do look or you're playing someone's grandmother. In Europe, we have this fantastic tradition of really enjoying women over 40, of that not being a taboo at all - people like Catherine Deneuve. Look at [Pedro] Almodóvar, the way he films women with such care and affection. The filmmakers here just love women who've been around a bit longer, they make those wrinkles look beautiful. In English or American films, they just want you to be old and shut up." — Kristin Scott Thomas. [NY Daily News]

• The future will smell like Jay-Z, Rihanna, and Kanye West. (And, if I'm understanding "established female artist" correctly, Beyoncé.) [WWD]
• Kim Gordon hates it when you call some fashion thing "fierce." [The Cut]

• Meanwhile, Solange Knowles snagged a spot in the new Op campaign. That's that Wal-Mart brand that egregiously Photoshopped Rumer Willis last year. [WWD]
• Marc Jacobs' people say they have no plans to use Anne Hathaway in any future advertising. So who will be in his fall campaign, now that Posh is concentrating on her own dress line? [People]
• For Easter, why not consider Florentine Armani-branded chocolate eggs from the Armani store? They start at $15 for 3.5 oz, and if you buy one of the $145 big eggs, inside you will find a "gift", like an Armani luggage tag. [NY Times]
• Speaking of Florence, Proenza Schouler is going to show in Europe for the first time this June at the city's fashion trade fair. But it's not going to be a "show" show, says designer Lazaro Hernandez. Expect a surprise! [WWD]
• The company that makes Crocs is on the cusp of bankruptcy. This is the week it has to pay off $22.4 million in debt from its revolving credit line — and nobody believes it has the money. Ready for a wistful look back? This article connects the success of the shoes that "looked like clogs that had mated with bath mats" to 9/11 ("in 2002, America was, more than anything, a country desperately in need of comfort") and a culture that privileges being noticed over looking good. [Smart Set]
• Daniel Vosovic is in the early stages of planning the launch of an eponymous line. He plans to hit a contemporary price point (aka nice dresses for $300-$800, like 3.1 Philip Lim and Alexander Wang), and it will be made domestically. He foresees beginning with presentations, not runway shows, for cost reasons, and he wants to debut for fall/winter 2010. He also tells an adorable story about how Tim Gunn used to have a tea set in his office at Parsons, and have people in for advice and a cuppa. [The Cut]
• Michelle Obama wore fake lashes in Europe, so this writer would like to let you know about some other weapons in the eyelash product arsenal. There are lash strips, individual fake lash clumps, semi-permanently glued lash extensions, and a prescription eyedrop adapted from its original use as a treatment for glaucoma. Of that last one, it should be noted, "There has been some controversy over possible side-effects, but that is unlikely to stop women from trying it." [Times of London]
• Richie Rich: Finds doing Pammy's bidding and producing vegan clothing difficult. For his own line, he intends to do "a plus size." I would make a crack about how one probably won't suffice, but I rather suspect Rich has simply fallen into one of the most basic patterns of fashionspeak: treating plural nouns as singular. Pants become "a pant." ("We're doing a very nice pant this season.") Shoes become "the shoe." ("The shoe is very important to our customer this spring.") (Truly. See for yourself.) Throw in a few well-judged repetitions of "fabulous!" and one mention each of "fabrication" and "costing" and you'll probably pass. [The Cut]
• Expectations are that LVMH will have strong quarterly results to report next week. [WWD]
• The Savannah College of Art and Design has honored Robin Givhan — the Pulitzer-toting fashion scribe for the Washington Post — and Russell Simmons at its annual gala. [FWD]

• Why do Kate Winslet and husband Sam Mendes usually fly on separate planes?

Back in 2001, Sam Mendes was booked on American Airlines flight 77 from Washington to L.A., the one hijacked and crashed into the Pentagon. His plans changed, so he never got on the plane, but Kate Winslet also had a terrorist air-scare in 2001. Now Sam and Kate prefer to fly separately, fearing that if they don't, they will leave their children orphans. [Daily Mail]

• By the by, Kate Winslet says: "There's always going to be a part of me that worries about not looking as slim as other actresses." [Daily Mail]
• Heath Ledger won a SAG award last night. [NY Daily News]
• So you know how Lily Allen just broke up with that 45-year-old dude? Right after, she said: "I think, 'This is someone I’d like to spend the rest of my life with.' But I cannot face having bad sex." [Mirror]
• Here's more on the Prince Harry/Chelsy Davy breakup: This paper calls her a "flighty blonde," but a source says: "Chelsy's heart is with her family and Africa. She comes from a relaxed family with different values and a completely different lifestyle from the royals. This is what Harry loves about her. The irony is that ultimately this is why they can never be together for ever. She has often told her friends she will never marry him not only because she doesn't, ultimately, want to live in England but also because she doesn't want the attention that comes with dating a royal. She wants a normal life." [Daily Mail]
• Meanwhile: Princess Eugenie and some friends got drunk at a pole dancing club and the Princess asked if she could try the pole. (She was denied.) [Daily Mail]
• Oh and by the by, Prince William bought Kate Middleton some deer shooting paraphernalia, including a Swarovski stalking scope. She's looking forward to "bagging her first set of Royal antlers." [Daily Mail]
• Rumor has it Hugh Jackman will do a big opening musical number at the Oscars! [Fox 411]
• Whoa: Will Brad Pitt play Steve McQueen? (Brad says: "Nope.") [Extra]
• Does Anderson Cooper fly in the front while his "friend," an "attractive Hispanic man," flies in the back of the plane? [Page Six]
• Drew Barrymore was promoting her romcom, He's Just Not That Into You, when she said she'd love to bring an old butt-kicking franchise back to life: "I’m so into it—Charlie's Angels III!" [E!]
• Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil might try to use a love letter Amy wrote to him to get her money in divorce proceedings. In the letter, Amy said she'd write albums especially for Blake Incarcerated; he's expected to argue that it means he's entitled to half of her estimated $15 million earnings. [People, Daiy Mail]
• Are Kirsten Dunst and Josh Hartnett back on? [Extra]
• In this Q&A, Matthew Fox talks about why you never see him lending his name to any causes: "I'm an actor. I try to play a character in a really cool story, the very best I can. And somehow or other that does make people very interested in what I have to say. And I think that, being the stubborn bastard I am… the more people want to hear what it is I have to say, the more I kind of… not say anything." [Men.Style.Com via Details]
• Paramedics were called to the home of Amy Poehler and Will Arnett this weekend, maybe because Amy's mom had a health scare? [TMZ]
• Warning: Russell Brand is thinking about giving up sex. [The Sun]
• A reporter tells Rumer Willis she looks a little like her dad. "She shrieks and grimaces, covering the lower part of her face with her hands: 'I hate my jaw!' she says. [Daily Mail]
• What is going on in the Bahamas? Pleasant Bridgewater, a senior in Parliament, has just resigned. Obie Wilchcombe, a former "close friend" of John Travolta and family — and member of Bahamaian Parliament — was taken into custody regarding an extortion plot. Wilchcombe has been released, but a third person, and EMT who tried to revive Jett Travolta, is sill in custody. [TMZ, TMZ, TMZ, Us]
• Wilchcombe says he had nothing to do with the extortion plot. [TMZ]
• Mickey Rourke hasn't seen The Wrestler — and won't, for a while: "I don't watch anything until three, four, five years go by. I see myself every day in the mirror when I'm shaving. I don't get anything from it." [Extra]
• Samantha Morton says she'll boycott the BBC if the corporation won't broadcast an emergency appeal for help in Gaza. Morton took part in a fundraiser for the British Aid Agency Medical Aid for Palestinians. [The Star]
• Paul McCartney might wed his girlfriend, Nancy Shevell. One might think he'd had enough of marriage… [NY Daily News]
• Countess LuAnn de Lesseps has a book coming out: Class With the Countess: How to Live with Elegance and Flair. Will tips on crotch-grabbing and landing a reality show be included? [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which nymphette actress had a really, really swell time in rehab, and has been telling pals that she 'got laid there' all the time?" [Gatecrasher]
• A prop manager from Lipstick Jungle stole $30,000 worth of designer clothes and accessories, but got caught when a limited-edition bag was seen on eBay. [Gatecrasher via Perez]
• Sayonara! Janet Jackson has postponed her tour in Japan due to the global financial crisis. [Internation Herald Tribune]
• Chris Martin gave a lovely lady, Brit singer Alesha Dixon, a ride home. In his private jet. [Daily Mail]
• Wall Street woes mean celeb houses in the Hamptons are going for slashed prices. [NY Post]
• The Jolie-Pitt mansion in Malibu will be up for sale soon, by the way. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Cool interview with Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss. She says of the show: "Everyone who saw it was like, 'They're SMOKING! They're SMOKING!' No one noticed they were cheating on their wives." [Guardian]
• Psst: Elisabeth Moss and Fred Armisen are planning a hush-hush wedding. [People]
• Patrick Dempsey competed in a car race which raises money for breast cancer, and has also opened the Dempsey Center for Cancer Hope and Healing in Maine. [UPI]
• In a Q&A with Lauren Graham, she talks about doing Guys & Dolls on Broadway; a Gilmore Girls movie (not gonna happen) and a new comedy she'll star in, in which she plays "a self-help guru who is truly a mess." [EW]
• Anne Hathaway Googles herself. [Showbiz Spy]
• David and Victoria Beckham have hired two people to clean their mansion in the country, and the couple are named David and Victoria. [Showbiz Spy]
• Hmm, AC Milan is hoping David Beckham will stay with the team. Ciao, Hollywood? [Independent]
• Natascha McElhone made her first official public appearance since the death of her husband last year, and was carrying her newborn son, Rex. [Daily Mail]
• Tommy Lee was seen hanging out with model Victoria Silvstedt — and she had bandages on her knees. What does it mean? [Daily Mail]
• Seth MacFarlane says Family Guy won't strike back at South Park, and that the Family Guy scripts are written by sperm whales. [TMZ]
• Three's a crowd? Cockblocker George Michael went out with Geri Halliwell and her new Italian boyfriend. [Daily Mail]
• Elle Macpherson is dating a multi-millionaire British businessman named Damian Aspinall. [News.com.au]
• Holy femmebot! Kylie Minogue is mega-Photoshopped in her new ads for jewelry company Tous. [Daily Mail]
• Oh dear: Zsa Zsa Gabor lost at least $7 million by investing with Bernard Madoff, the man who's been making the incredibly wealthy merely rich. [UPI, MSNBC]
• Boy George has been moved to a "softer" prison. Is it made of toilet tissue? [Mirror]
• Ladies and gentlemen, an Iron Maiden hotel. [UPI]
• TV chef Jamie Oliver was asked to rate his looks on a scale from 1-10. He says: "About six and a half. It’s not really about the face, though. I think it’s more about what’s in my trousers, to be honest – apart from cooking, that’s the thing I’ve got going for me and a lot of women say it’s enough." [Mirror]
• "Patsy is a figure of nostalgia, doing everything we daren’t do because of our obligations to our families and society. I have turned into a school prefect now but, much as i love my life, i sometimes think i’d like to skip classes and smoke cigarettes in the duck-house again. I could have been Patsy if i hadn’t turned out to be me." — Absolutely Fabulous' Joanna Lumley. [Daily Express]
• "When you're younger, you're always working for something, and now you realize, this is really it. You'd better be enjoying this, because this is pretty good." — Julianne Moore, who is on the cover of Redbook. [People]
• "I can’t stand Angelina and all her babies. Maddox probably thought he hit the jackpot, but then Angelina proceeded to take him to every other Third World country on the planet. He’s probably like. 'Bitch, when the (bleep) are we getting to Malibu?'" — Chelsea Handler. [Gatecrasher]
• "I swear that my waist is now skinnier than before I was pregnant — how do they do that? Certainly it’s nothing to do with me working out. Jerry Bruckheimer [Shopaholic’s mega-successful producer] hired a personal trainer to help me get rid of the 60lb I put on during pregnancy. He said I was lucky I was blessed with good genes because I had a really bad attitude towards exercise — like stopping when it hurt or got boring and having a cup of tea and a slice of cake. Apparently you are not supposed to do that in Hollywood." — Isla Fisher. [Times of London]
• "I think there's something to be said for looking more natural on film. A perfect physique is unattainable for most women who can't hire personal trainers or who don't have the time or inclination to spend two hours a day working out." — Kate Winslet. [Daily Mail]
• "My grandparents didn't take any pills, and they were fine. Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a fucking pansy." — Bijou Phillips, Scientologist. [Us via Paper Magazine]

• Prince Harry and his girlfriend of nearly 5 years, Chelsy Davy, are dunzo: Davy initiated the break up and has already made the breakup official by changing her Facebook relationship status to "single." Oh, snap!

• Davy blames the breakup on Harry's military career: "She and Harry had an incredible holiday together, but after he left, she really started thinking and realised he wouldn’t have much time with her during his training with the Army," a source says. The breakup, however, is reported to be "amicable." [DailyMail]
• Kanye West isn't too happy about the nasty things 50 Cent has been saying about him. "I can't say that it doesn't affect me. I was such a fan of 50," Kanye says, "For me, as a fan of him, I felt, like, if he said something negative and tried to make it like I'm negative, it's almost like if a little kid walks up to you at the airport and is like, 'Man, I love you so much,' and then you spit on him."[ShowbizSpy]
• Shakira was very impressed by the Obamas when she met them: "He really gets in touch with every person and connects with every person he's talking to,"she says of the President, "You know he's in the moment, and that is pretty remarkable. And he was very warm and very nice, as well as Michelle. What a woman, she's very intelligent and also very accessible. I really liked them. I don't sound very objective when I talk about the Obamas because I like them too much." [Popdirt]
• Julianne Moore is enjoying her forties: "When you're younger, you're always working for something, and now you realize, this is really it," Moore says,"You'd better be enjoying this, because this is pretty good."[People]
• Rumer Willis, who admits she once had posters of her step-father, Ashton Kutcher, on her wall before Kutcher married her mother, says she's not interested in riding her parents' coattails to fame: "Most people’s idea of celebrity children is that they are trust-fund babies who don’t have any desire to work and are just going to ride their parents’ train. But I never wanted to be that girl," Willis says. Mmm-hmm. [DailyMail]
• What?! The inaugural song played by Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman was actually a tape, due to the cold weather: "They had to perform in such cold weather, the instruments couldn't possibly be in tune," says Carole Florman, a spokeswoman for the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, "They were able to play in sync with the tape. It's not unusual."[MSNBC]
• Is Paul McCartney getting married for a third time? A source says he's ready to propose to his girlfriend, Nancy Shevell, after getting his daughter Stella's approval. "Paul is a big believer in the institution of marriage," the source says, "and his friends are in absolutely no doubt he will propose to Nancy in time."[ShowbizSpy]
• Meanwhile, Paul's ex, Heather Mills, is now comparing herself to Hillary Clinton: "When you marry a Beatle, you marry 120 million fans who are also madly in love with him. This has meant years of hurtful and untrue press... my friends remind me that this happens to many strong, successful women," Mills says, "I've watched my friend Hillary Clinton go through a hell of a time and still come out on top due to her strength."[ShowbizSpy]
• Are Kirsten Dunst and Josh Hartnett an item? "They were whispering and smiling at each other," says a source. "At times it looked like she wanted to grab his hand, but stopped. She was especially smitten with him."[PageSix]
• Tom Cruise insists that his daughter, Suri, is very happy and not sheltered in the slightest: "[Suri] is such a happy girl, and I think that Kate is an extraordinary mother and very calm. Protecting her, but also you don’t want her to be sheltered in any way, and to be able to be engaged in life, and I think that’s like any parent.”[JustJared]
• Meryl Streep isn't going to lie about how much it actually sucks to lose an Oscar, once you're nominated: "When you lose you think ‘my work wasn’t any good’,” Streep says, "But it’s an honor to be nominated, and it is! It is. But you just feel worse when you lose than you did before you got nominated.” [Reuters]
• Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives. And yet, our Days will be a little less wacky without John and Marlena (Deidre Hall and Drake Hogestyn) who have been written off of the show after 20 years. But who will the Devil possess now?! [EW]
• Kate Winslet and husband Sam Mendes refuse to fly together, for fear that a plane crash will take them both away from their children. Mendes was scheduled to fly aboard American Airlines Flight 77 on September 11, 2001, but missed the plane due to last minute plans. "Where possible, Kate and Sam do prefer to travel in separate planes," a spokeswoman says, "It is not always possible but, for obvious reasons regarding the children, they do travel separately when they can."[DailyMail]
• Tracy Morgan admits that he has a pretty hilarious tattoo in a very private place: the words "Stove Top" are etched along the side of his, uh, stuffing. "I’m pretty well-endowed," Morgan tells Maxim, "A girl told me to get that because I stuffed her up like a turkey. She said, ‘You should call that Stove Top!’"[CollegeCandy]
• 22-year-old Katie Stam of Indiana was crowned Miss America last night, overcoming laryngitis and a throat infection to take the crown. Meanwhile, Hortense was crowned Miss Chocolate Donuts in her home this morning, overcoming below zero temperatures to go to the store to pick up breakfast. There she is! Miss Chocolate Dooonuts! There she is! There's frosting on her shirt! [NYTimes]

• Angelina was on the red carpet in New York over the weekend, talking about her family. "Everybody's great," she said. "The babies are getting big and healthy and developing personalities." She says she has been a "little bit" sleep deprived but she and Brad find relief: "We have some help a couple of nights a week, so on those nights we catch up on our sleep." [UPI]
• Brad Pitt was there too: They are obviously not broken up. [Daily News]
• More from Angie: "Even if we lock our door, the children come knocking. We often try to have a bath alone together at the end of the night and sit and talk, but they hear the water and want to jump in. But it’s fun and it’s lovely – the thing about having six is once you’ve passed three or four, it’s so crazy anyway that it’s just more chaos and it’s all OK." When asked if she feels if she has completed her family, Angie said, "No." [Mirror]
• Angie somehow found time for two new tattoos: She now has the map coordinates of Nice, France, where her twins were born. [LA Times]
• But! As for adopting more kids Angie says: "I think we're going to wait a little while." [People]

• Lindsay Lohan is also feeling brood-y. She says: "At some point, I want to adopt a kid… A child in need or a newborn from another country. I’m not sure yet." [Mirror]
• Samantha Ronson sent Perez Hilton a check for $86,832: The amount to cover his legal fees in her failed libel lawsuit. [E!]
• Lauren Conrad on the rumor that she hooked up with Justin Bobby: "These accusations are so crazy, it's difficult for me to take them seriously. While my usual taste in guys isn't always perfect, I do prefer they shower regularly." [E!]
• History was made Saturday night, when Tyler Perry became the first African-American ever to launch his own major TV and film studio. Oprah cried. [People]
• Speaking of Oprah, she is being sued by the former headmistress of the Big O's Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa for defamation of character. [E!]
• Amy Winehouse supposedly received a "welcoming" phone call from the Church of Scientology, in which they offered her detox help. So crazy it just might work? [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse has one thing going for her: She's not broke. [Mirror]
• Blake Incarcerated sent Amy's dad a "vile and abusive" letter filled with threats. Sigh. [The Sun]
• Holy crap, did Courtney Love have gastric band surgery to stay thin? [Perez Hilton]
• Eddie Van Halen: Engaged. [People]
• Elizabeth Taylor is "heartbroken" after the death of Paul Newman. They starred together in Cat On A Hot Tin Roof and were friends for years. [Daily Express]
• Gossip Girl is pulling in better ratings than it did a year ago, but the producer says "We try not to live and die by the ratings." [NY Daily News]
• David Letterman has a great Sarah Palin recap video. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Miss Jackson is still nasty: Janet has postponed 3 more shows our her tour due to illness. [AP]
• Bruno, aka Sacha Baron Cohen, was at the Stella McCartney show, being disruptive by clapping along to the music "way too loud." Paul McCartney was just a few seats away. [Daily Express]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham in yet another pair of ridiculous shoes. [The Sun]
• Johnny Depp wants to be in the Little Britain movie. Computer says yes? [Mirror]
• Madonna's Sticky & Sweet tour kicked off this weekend in New Jersey; there were "guest appearances" by Kanye West and Justin Timberlake and the performance was a "success." This review says: "The 50-year-old has toughened up, replacing some of the frothiness of her pure pop days with a bracing physicality." [Variety]
• Kylie Minogue was seen "looking cozy" with a "dark-haired mystery man" in Paris. Get it! [The Sun]
• Rachael Ray has a benign cyst on her vocal cord, which she'll have minor surgery to remove in early December. [UPI]
• So you know how we heard that Ali Lohan might work with Johnny Wright, who had produced Justin Timberlake and the Jonas Brothers? Johnny Wright says: "Johnny Wright has never met with Ali Lohan, has never been introduced to Ali Lohan, nor has he had a meeting with Ali or Dina Lohan regarding Ali's music career. While he wishes Ali Lohan the best in all her endeavors, Mr. Wright has never had any intention of speaking with Ali Lohan regarding her career. Any story that has surfaced about such a meeting holds no merit and is completely false." Haha wow. [Page Six]
• Salma Hayek wore a traditional Bavarian dress on German TV and her cups runneth over. [The Sun]
• Pam Anderson delivered Hugh Hefner's birthday cake — in the nude. [Mirror]
• Beyoncé's "wedding" ring is about 18 carats and worth about $4.3 million dollars. Don't drop it down the drain! [Daily Mail]
• Blind items! #1: "Which wife of a rock superstar has been punishing him for going to strip clubs without her? The spouse has spent about $30 million on a house they don't really need to get back at him for not including her in his adventures." #2: "Which boy-band member is going to shock his female fans when he comes out of the closet?" [Page Six]
• Emma Thompson says her her biggest accomplishment in life was "giving birth without painkillers" and her happiest moment was: "just after giving birth without painkillers." [Daily Express]
• David Hasselhoff's ex-wife blabs about the Hoff being a drunk: "He’s an alcoholic. He has a disease, just like cancer." [Daily Mail]
• Shakira's for Obama. [AP]
• Rumer Willis was named after the British writer Rumer Godden: "I don’t know whether my mom had read much of her stuff, I guess she may have just been in a bookshop and liked the sound of it. I used to get teased at school, Rumer Tumor, that kind of thing, but I’ve got used to it. You do." [Times Of London]
• David Spade has texted Heather Locklear to check in with her. He says: "I think there's no one that doesn't feel for her or have nice things to say about her in my experience." [People]
• Bond vs. Bond! Sean Connery's new book, Being A Scot, has sold only 5,000 copies since its release in August. Roger Moore's biography, My Word Is Bond, is doing much better. [Telegraph]
• Emma "Baby Spice" Bunton says The Spice Girls are over. "We're all in our 30s now and, let's face it, by then most people aren't doing the same thing they were when they were 18, which is how old I was when I first met the girls. I'm ready to move forward." [Daily Mail]
• A judge has ordered a Texas doctor and his wife not to distribute video footage of Anna Nicole Smith's breast augmentation surgery in 1994. Thanks, judge. [The Star UK]
• Joss Stone will make her small screen debut in The Tudors, playing Henry VIII's wife Anne of Cleves. [Daily Express]
• Andrew Lloyd Webber doesn't want his kids to inherit his £750million fortune. He says: "They aren’t bothered. They don’t think that way. It is about having a work ethic – I don’t believe in inherited money at all. I am not in favour of children suddenly finding a lot of money coming their way because then they have no incentive to work." [Mirror]
• Does Marilyn Manson owe his former bandmate $20 million in back pay? He'll be in court November 3 and we'll find out. [E!]
• Sad face: Carol Channing fell at her home and broke her leg and hip. Speedy recovery! [Modesto Bee]
• If you want to know all about John Lennon's adultery pact, when he left Yoko Ono for a year of "reckless debauchery" and told her, "You must take a lover too," then click here. [Daily Mail]
• Kevin Bacon will produce a Showtime series called The Booths about the man who would assassinate Abraham Lincoln. [Variety]
• Rod Stewart's son is in rehab. [The Sun]
• Jude Law picked up some dancer at a club in NYC and she stayed "holed up" in his hotel room for three days. [Page Six]
• There's Bull Durham sequel in the works. No, really. [Page Six]
• "I'm going to stop playing when I'm 67 and work on what I really want to do, which is to be a minister, like Little Richard." — Carlos Santana. [Reuters]
• "I've always admired her talent. She's somewhat hampered sometimes by having this gorgeous face, the most gorgeous face on the planet. She's on covers and all that stuff. But she is a great talent, and it would be easy to overlook that, except after seeing this you realize that she is this great, talented person." — Clint Eastwood on Angelina Jolie, who stars in The Changeling, which he directed. [People]
• "I really loved my husband's penis. It was really pretty." — Pink. [Mirror]

The Good:
Rumer Willis looks elegant, yes. But the girl is 20, people! She should be doing fun fashion!
Not gonna lie to you: don't love the whole Leger bandage dress thing. But Kiely Williams' iteration is one of the better ones.
This is a "don't try this at home" moment; Malin Akerman makes this work, but few could.
Vail Bloom : trendy done nicely. Every component of this will look dated in two days.



The Bad:
If we went on Project Runway this is how every single one of our dresses would look, because we can't sketch or sew. I mean, the one dress we'd make before we got kicked off for doing something as ill-fitting, confining and unflattering as Katharine McPhee's.
Here's the thing: when you have breasts, there are certain trade-offs. One of the first ones is not being able to wear insubstantial asymmetrical silk cocktail dresses. Dana Goodman is not keeping up her part of the bargain.
Emmanuelle Chriqui: Please don't buy eveningwear from Forever21.
I said, please don't buy eveningwear from Forever21! God! It's like they're not even listening to a stranger commenting on their clothes a full day after they've already worn them! Jenna Dewan.
Kat Dennings's dress is cute, but it's too much for her small frame, and the neck is unflatteringly high.


The Ugly:
Adrienne Bailon's leopard tent was a mere "Bad" before I noticed the cleavage action.
I understand that as Hef's main girlfriend, Holly Madison has a certain responsibility to represent at all times. Well played, madam.

Images via Getty

The Good:
I know, right? It's hard not to be a Rumer Willis skeptic, and inquiring minds could probably ask why she's dressed like she's going to a debutante ball somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon, but she looks pretty!
The jury was out until the very last second on Katherine McPhee's blouse, but overall the silhouette works.
This month's Nylon cites Morticia Addams as a style icon (in fairness it also cites Mrs. Roeper and the kid from Silver Spoons but whatever.) Apparently Monet Mazur read this, too.


The Bad:
Doesn't Emma Stone look like Michelle Monaghan's little sister? The lace inserts take this frock into "Bad."
Jessica Szohr's look seems to walk an uncomfortable line between thrown-on denim and dressed-up evening denim.
If you look at Anna Faris' dress from a number of angles, you see that the bodice kind of stands away from the body in a way that's perhaps intended to be architectural but is kind of like the part of Circle of Friends where Benny/Minnie Driver says, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I look like the prow of a ship!"



The Ugly:
It's nice that Lisa Origliasso and Jessica Origliasso of the Veronicas are so close. Although maybe a little distance would be useful, sartorially speaking.

Images via Getty

• Ellen and Portia will wed this weekend! Don't you wish they'd interrupt Olympic coverage to bring us love, LIVE? [Perez Hilton]
• Portia will wear a "flowing, form-fitting dress by Zac Posen." [Page Six]
• Christian Bale has been cleared of assault charges, you can go back to your regularly scheduled lust. [NY Post]
• Trump to the rescue! The Donald has saved Ed McMahon from foreclosure. He's buying Ed's house and "leasing" it to Ed so he can live in it. Dear Donald, I have my eye on a Tribeca penthouse… [Yahoo News]
• Sonya Dakar, an aesthetician with clients like Fergie, Drew Barrymore and Gwyneth Paltrow, was arrested after allegedly assaulting and trying to bite an inspector who was checking out her cosmetology license. WTF. [TMZ]
• Uh, Actress LisaRaye and her husband, the prime minister of Turks & Caicos, Michael Misick, were both treated for bite wounds Wednesday night in the Caribbean. Not mosquito, not shark, but HUMAN BITE WOUNDS. Scenes of a deteriorating marriage. [Rush & Molloy]
• Amy Winehouse slapped another member of the public. Oh, and there's video. The woman did grab Amy's arm and try to pull her. Not that Amy handled it properly. [The Sun]

• Despite reports in this week's In Touch, Casey Aldridge denies he had sex with 28-year-old Kelli Dawson while Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant. [The Superficial]
• Gwen Stefani: Still pregnant. [The.Life Files]
• Did Jennifer Love Hewitt slim down for the publicity? (Is there any other reason to do it?) [MSNBC]
• Gossip Girl gossip: Season two begins in the Hamptons and Blake Lively says: "There's a lot of juicy stuff in all of our lives." [ET]
• 90210 promo! With Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty! [Perez Hilton]
• Matthew Fox has resigned his Lost deal with ABC and is getting a salary raise: $225,000 per episode, up from $150,000. But can you put a price on brooding Dr. Shephard? [Reuters]
• Miley Cyrus has been hanging out with Adam Sevani of Step Up 2: The Streets. I saw that movie and I promise you he was the best thing in it. Anyways, they look cute riding bikes together, but that doesn't meet he's her boyfriend, sheesh. [Perez Hilton]
• Chris Brown's new track is floating around online but he is not happy. "I'm mad that it's leaked," he says. "The record's not finished. It's supposed to be me and Rihanna's duet." [USA Today]
• Say it with me now: DMX has been arrested. Again. Miami this time! [USA Today]
• Quentin Tarantino's flick Inglorious Bastards is already stirring up controversy: "The film depicts scalpings, disembowelment and swastikas being engraved in foreheads as a group of American Jewish soldiers are airdropped into Nazi-occupied Europe to wreak revenge on the Germans." [Guardian]
• If you're Mariah Carey you don't have to dry yourself off after a swim. That's what towel boys are for. [ONTD]
• Lily Allen has has written a new song wich imagines what God’s life would be like. Lily "attempts to answer questions like who God would date, what job he’d have and what music he would listen to." Dunno about God, but Jesus definitely listens to Kanye West. [The Sun]
• Apparently Bono was blasting his own new songs out of a villa in the South of France, loud enough for passersby to hear and try to upload on YouTube. [The Sun]
• Peaches Geldof arrived back in London after her quickie Vegas wedding and promptly rung up her ex, Faris Badwan of rock band The Horrors. [The Sun]
• Except this report says she snubbed Faris and he had to read about her getting married in the paper. [Mirror]
• This purposely misleading headline: "Doherty's 8hr Visit To Dealer" is on a story about how Pete Doherty went shopping for antiques at 10 am and didn't leave until 6pm. Scandalous! [The Sun]
• Sir Paul McCartney cut a vacation short because his eldest daughter Mary gave birth to her third child. [Mirror]
• Noel Gallagher was drunk on Radio 1? What is this, 1995? [The Sun]
• Busy Philipps, of Dawson's Creek and Freaks And Geeks, gave birth to a baby girl on Wednesday. Birdie Leigh Silverstein's daddy is Busy's screenwriter husband Marc Silverstein. [Star]
• Rumer Willis says when she was 12, she realized she "got screwed" in the name department. "My sisters, Scout and Talullah, had cute nicknames. When I was 12 and had crushes on guys, I'd put my first name with their last name, but it never sounded right. Rumer Depp? Nope. In school, kids would sing, 'Rumer, Rumer with a big hairy tumor.'" [Page Six]
• "Jessica was well-developed, and every guy in high school wanted her and practically every girl hated her. Jessica put on a brave face, but it was a campaign of terror that just devastated her." — A source speaking about Jessica Simpson's new song, with lyrics about abuse. [MSNBC]
• Jerry Lewis says the gun found in his carry-on was a gift that he'd forgotten was in his luggage. [AP]
• RIP, grandma of Catherine Zeta-Jones. [Daily Express]
• Oh, and Cathy Z, who turns 40 next year, says: "I haven’t actually reached my sexiest point yet." [Mirror]
• "I still love her. I’m not really over her yet. We still hang. She was just out with me a couple days ago and we were having a great time. She’s really got it. I think she’s great." — Bret Michaels on Ambre Lake. [People]
• "We are very close. We see each other as much as we can, but we’re usually in different parts of the world. When we have time off, I like to go and hang out with her. She has the cutest children – Finn [three years old] is just the funniest." — Emma Roberts on Aunt Julia. [Mirror]
• "He kissed me on the lips, and then he gave me a filterless cigarette. I came off all lightheaded and had to go sit on his dressing room steps. Maybe it was the cigarette and nothing to do with the legend." — Kate Moss, on meeting Frank Sinatra, in Interview magazine. [Rush & Molloy]