OK! Magazine prepared a story about Kate Middleton's "post-baby weight loss regime" — Kate's trainer says her stomach will "shrink straight back," for those of you who were concerned — before the royal spawn had emerged from her womb. Disgusting, yes, but you're pretty dumb if you're shocked by the preemptive…
Apparently your fancy American baby thinks it's better than the future King of England.
We'll admit it: When the announcement came through — it's a boy! — we were ever-so-slightly deflated. We thought it was going to be a girl, and frankly, the idea of a brand new princess seems more interesting.
Here he is. The future King of England and most precious baby in all of the world. "He's got [Kate's] looks, thankfully," Prince William told press outside of Saint Mary's Hospital. The couple, looking very sweet and nervous as new parents, described the birth as "very emotional." They will not be announcing the name…
DID YOU HEAR? THE ROYAL BABY HAS ARRIVED. IT WAS CONCEIVED ON THE BACK OF A POLO HORSE AND GESTATED INSIDE THE CROWN JEWELS AND NOW IT'S BEEN BORN AND IT IS A BOY. RULE, BRITANNIA. BRITISH BABY KING RULES THE WAVES.
Not to be outdone by CNN's totally misunderstood royalty expert correspondent — THIS IS HER CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL! — British science and magazine-ruining expert Tina Brown weighed in on the birth of the royal baby yesterday by praising Kate Middleton on her expert son-producing loins. "Now the royals can stop pretending…
In today's edition of Tweet Beat, everyone loves to make Royal Baby witticisms! In non-Royal news, Kreayshawn and Amanda Bynes are in a fight, which makes perfect sense, Miley Cyrus insists that there is NO lyric in "We Can't Stop" that goes "dancing with molly," and Weird Al purchases his first Warhol
CNN correspondent Victoria Arbiter would like to extend her sincerest congratulations to the Duchess of Cambridge. Nice, right? Except, wait — she's not so much congratulating Kate Middleton for giving birth to a healthy baby. She's congratulating her for giving birth to a healthy baby boy.
Kate Middleton has, using the magical power of her female body, grown another human from a microscopic cell bundle into a fully-formed baby and today, she gave birth to a BOY. The boy, who I can say with a fair amount of certainty is not yet capable of controlling his own bowels, is third in line for the British…
Kate Middleton is reportedly in labor. Let's celebrate by looking at pictures of the Royal Princess of the United Cakedom, "Cake Middleton." As a life-sized cake rendition of a human being, it's, predictably, equal parts impressive and a true terror to behold.
The British Commonwealth of Nations, an anachronism of a time when Great Britain basically ruled the entire world, is facing a pretty hilarious problem ahead of the birth [enter small, well-behaved white rabbit, blaring a trumpet] of the Royal Infant: ‘ol John Bull has tried to hastily do away with primogeniture, an…
OMG OMG OMG OMG Princess Shinylocks herself Kate Middleton was reportedly just picked up from her parents' home in a helicopter Buckleberry by car and is currently en route to the hospital where her royal loins will produce THE ROYAL BABY and we will collectively shit our peasant pants in celebration. That's a…
There's been a lot of unnecessary chatter about the name of the Royal Baby — so much chatter, in fact, that the media has devoted countless segments to it and bookies across the UK are taking bets on what name the royals could possibly choose. Put your money on the right name and it could mean winning mad money or —…
The Royal Baby is King or Queen of a lot of things: obviously, the future King or Queen of England, but also Ruler of the Womb and, it probably goes without saying, #1 Top Regent of the Unsolicited Uterus Update.
Look, Queen Elizabeth has a lot to do. She's the Queen of fucking England, which means she can't just wait around for weeks on end while waiting for the birth of a great grandchild. She's got same sex marriage to legalize, fancy hats to wear and corgis that need feeding. Most importantly, she has a vacation planned…
Assuming the Royal Baby breaches the Duchess of Cambridge’s earthly vessel sometime in the next 36 hours, this weekend proves to be an especially interesting one for revelers. Why, you ask, unwilling to let your eyes linger over your tattered copy of Thomas Carlyle’s history of the French Revolution and discover the…
As the Royal Kersploosh draws ever nearer, womb-watchers are beginning to wager on what Kate and Willz will name the new little thingy. Will it be something traditional? Avant-garde? A family name? An unpronounceable string of Zapf Dingbats? Will they just let a corgi walk on the keyboard and go with that?…
Inside Kate Middleton lurks one of the most powerful beings on Earth. Experts are saying that when the royal baby is born — early next month, if reports are to be believed — the British economy will experience a very sizable boost.
No seriously, does that come with fries on the side?
