• Mayumi Heene has admitted that the entire "Balloon Boy" story was a hoax. According to a recently released search warrant affidavit, "the motive for the fabricated story was to make the Heene family more marketable for future media interest." [Reuters]

• Heene also admitted that she and her husband, Richard "knew all along" that their youngest son, Falcon was hiding, and not in the balloon as they had led authorities to believe. All three children, she says, were instructed to lie. [NYDN]
• You can read the entire affidavit here.[The Coloradoan]
• A computer taken from one of the "Burglar Bunch" members who allegedly broke into Lindsay Lohan's apartment is filled with Google image searches for "Lindsay Lohan Blue Rolex" and "Lindsay Lohan Rolex." [TMZ]
• Meanwhile, Paris Hilton visited the LAPD last night and retrieved most of her stolen property; Hilton had lost nearly $2 million in valuables to the ring of thieves targeting starlets' homes. [People]
• Lisa Rinna's former landlord says she owes "$635,083.73 in back rent and damages," on her former retail location, Belle Gray. Rinna, meanwhile, took to her Twitter page to announce that she had "a very different story. Let the games begin!" [E!]
• "It'd be nice to have a six-year-old and say, 'I have this film I made, you might quite like it'. Yeah, definitely that's on my mind."- Wes Anderson on his new film, The Fantastic Mr. Fox. [Guardian]
• Jon Gosselin still hasn't returned the money he withdrew from his joint account with Kate Gosselin. [People]
• "I've had many, many unrequited crushes. I knew this one guy's entire schedule my senior year of high school and would conveniently be outside his classrooms whenever class let out. But I was a goth kid and he was a soccer player, so he wasn't having it. He was just horrified by me."- Christina Hendricks [Advocate]
• Food Network star Sandra Lee says that Angelina Jolie used her "No-Bake Birthday Cake" recipe in August in order to create a birthday cake for her son, Maddox. "She's a very busy, overextended mother," says Lee, "I'm very proud not just that she made my cake but that someone of her stature isn't delegating these [tasks], like her children's birthday, to other people. I'm glad she loves the show and that the kids apparently also watch it too." Please let them get together for an episode! Angelina Jolie making dinners out of stuffing, salad dressing mix, and half a can of Miracle Whip would be the greatest hour of programming ever, no? [People]
• "I look at what happened to Michael Jackson and it's a case of 'there but for the grace of God go I.' Those painkillers! F***!'"-Ozzy Osbourne [DailyMail]
• Justin Timberlake has filed a restraining order against a woman named Karen McNeil, who already served a year in prison for violating several court orders issued to keep her away from Axl Rose [TMZ]
• Boy George says his time in prison was good for him: "I'm the happiest I've ever been." [TheSun]
• When Winona Ryder agreed to a low-budget film The Private Lives of Pippa Lee, she was seemingly unprepared for just how low-budget it would be: "Little did I know I would be in Danbury, Connecticut, without a rental car, living off a highway. I had to rely on Keanu, who had the car he drives in the film, to get me to Starbucks - that's how low-budget it was." [DailyExpress]
• Jennifer Lopez plans to debut her alter-ego character, "Lola" tonight. Hooray? [PageSix]
• Charlize Theron raised $140,000 at a recent charity auction by auctioning off a kiss to a female fan. [DailyExpress]
• "I still don't feel that John's fans are accepting me. I don't know who's really John's fans, and who's really John and Yoko fans. The Beatles fans, some of them really denounced John in a way. So I don't know who's who. So whenever I create something I never think about who's gonna listen to it. But then, I'm getting some beautiful letters. So they like the CD or something. It's really great, but I'm not gonna ask, ‘Are you a Beatles fan?'"-Yoko Ono [TimesOnline]
• "I knew going into Miss USA I was asked to be there because I am controversial and because I am qualified. I look at women in the spotlight every day. I know how a girl can successfully navigate that world."- Perez Hilton [LATimes]
• LaToya Jackson says that Michael's children are still grieving the loss of their father, and though all three are in therapy, Paris seems to be handling things a bit better than her brothers, Prince and Blanket: "Prince just doesn't want to speak about it. He won't even watch the DVDs – he just walks right past the TV. It's too soon, too touching. I do worry about him very much. And Blanket is just a very sad, shy little boy. He cries – he really does cry. It's so painful for him. No one can bring his daddy back and it hurts so much." [Mirror]
• Paul Heyman of ECW says that Rihanna's "Russian Roulette" cover art is a complete rip off of the wrestling organization's cover art for the compilation "ECW: Extreme Music." TheSun]
• Roseanne took to her blog to speak out against her ex-husband Tom Arnold for cracking jokes about the couple's relationship as it relates to the recent David Letterman scandal, as Tom keeps cracking jokes that he slept with his boss, which, according to Roseanne, is not the case: "I never had sex with an employee! Tom was first my boyfriend and then repeatedly asked me to create a job for him on my show, which I did," she writes, later concluding with, "Stop accusing me of breaking laws that I never would break. Having sex with your underlings is not allowed, unless you legally marry them. Otherwise it is creating a hostile work environment, where those who do not have sex with the boss do not get promoted. this is the law! stop setting me up for lawsuits with your careless lies!!! shut the fuck up about me you idiot!" [RoseanneWorld]

• Lady Gaga on those nasty hermaphrodite rumors:

"My little vagina is very offended." [News.com.au]

• Celebrities seen attending DJ AM's memorial — designed to resemble a 12-step meeting — include Lindsay Lohan, Robert Downey Jr., John Mayer, Nicole Richie, Samantha Ronson, Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart. [AP, People]
• Susan Boyle's album is topping Amazon's bestsellers list, even though it's not on sale until November. Pre-orders have the album out-selling Whitney Houston and the Twilight soundtrack. [Daily Mail]
• So you know how Chris Brown critiqued Oprah for doing a show on domestic violence, dedicated to "all the Rihannas of the world"? He called it "a slap in the face." And he said: "I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could've been more helpful, like, ‘OK, I'm going to help both of these people out.'" A source says: "He's done. Whatever goodwill he had, he's totally ruined it by saying that. What was he thinking? And who the hell goes up against Oprah? It just shows he doesn't think. No one is going to want him as the face of their brand." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Meanwhile: Rihanna has been seen being "touchy-feely" with "scenester" Travis London. [NY Daily News]
• Michael Jackson's burial last night gave Katherine Jackson closure, sources say. "Everyone's been telling her how strong she is, but even she said, ‘It's not always easy to be this strong,'" says Rev. Al Sharpton, a Jackson family friend. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Paris Jackson cried when she stepped into the mausoleum where her father was to be entombed; Katherine Jackson started to go in but turned back, overcome by grief. [AP]
• Lisa Marie Presley, Elizabeth Taylor, Chris Tucker, Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis attended Michael Jackson's burial. Gladys Knight sang. [People]
• Michael Jackson was not buried at Neverland — or in Gary, Indiana, because his family wanted a "secluded, dignified resting place fitting for a music legend." His mother, Katherine, wanted to be able to visit her son without fanfare or fans. [Mirror]
• An Australian newspaper mocked Russell Crowe for smoking and eating a big meal during a recent bike ride. Naturally Russell has challenged the paper's gossip columnist to a "duel by bicycle." Apparently Russell's spokesperson called the guy the next day and said: Get on your bike. Russell wants you to go riding with him. Are you ready to die?" [Breitbart]
• Lisa Ling says that when her sister Laura Ling was held captive in North Korea, Diane Sawyer reached out: "She made calls and took meetings on our behalf for which we will be forever grateful." [People]
• We've seen a lot of Jon Gosselin lately, but not a lot of his girlfriend. A source says of Hailey Glassman: "Hailey actually hates the fact that Jon is famous. She doesn't want to be photographed and doesn't like the attention." [Page Six]
• Zooey Deschanel is "scrambling to slim down" for her wedding; she's been taking ballet workouts back to back. Or maybe she just likes the workout? [Page Six]
• Joy Behar is silly. [Page Six]
• Newly released emails from Carrie Prejean show that she and the pageant officials were butting heads way before she spoke out on same-sex unions. In a March 19 email, Carrie wrote to Miss California co-director Keith Lewis: "I WILL NOT BE VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ANYMORE BY ANY OF YOU. I HAVE A COMPETITION TO PREPARE FOR. I WILL NO LONGER BE DEALING WITH ANYONE WHO IS GOING TO BRING ME DOWN AT THIS POINT. I WILL ONLY SURROUND MYSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME HAPPY. AND RIGHT NOW, THAT IS NONE OF YOU. I WILL SEE YOU ALL IN APRIL. PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME AT ALL FROM THIS POINT FORWARD." [Fox News]
• "Donald Trump is such a hands-on boss that he personally helps pick six of the 15 finalists in the Miss Universe pageant each year — because the preliminary judges often overlook the most beautiful contestants." [Page Six]
• Check out this "commercial" for "Fecalux," starring Roseanne. It makes you poop. [ONTD]
• All About Steve "is an oddly creepy, sour film, featuring a heroine so desperate and peculiar that audiences may be more likely to pity than root for her." [Rotten Tomatoes]
• Jake Brockman, a former keyboard player with Echo and the Bunnymen, was killed in a motorcycle crash Tuesday on the Isle of Man. [BBC News]
• Whatshername says Whatshisname has a "secret lover." [The Sun]
• "I hope this show is a huge hit and that people love it. Because I like playing this character more than any character I've ever played." — Courteney Cox on upcoming show Cougar Town. [LA Times]
• "The older I get, the younger the leading man gets." — Michelle Pfeiffer. [Telegraph]
• "I've always said I believe in good music and bad music. ...I like music. My next album, which I'm working on now — that's exclusive, no one knows that — is gonna be the album that really ...it's not gonna be a #1 album. That's where I'm at right now. I wanna make the most experimental album I ever made." — Jay-Z. [MTV News]
• "People often look for deep psychological and emotional reasons why people eat, and I'm sure for many people those exist. But other people, and I would include myself, are just fucking greedy bastards who like eating. It's nice – it's a nice feeling. Eating chocolate is nice, right? Chocolate's fucking great. So I don't think it was a horrible self-comforting thing, I think it was just lack of self-discipline. Most people want a load of chocolate, but they stop. They think, if I do that I'll get fat. Whereas I just thought, I don't care." — Little Britain's Matt Lucas, who has recently lost weight because his doctor had warned him he was at risk of becoming diabetic. [Guardian]
• "You can live a very normal life if you don't actually look for things. Someone said, 'Oh, I saw a picture of you on the Internet, that was a really pretty hat.' Not hat, I don't wear hats. 'That was a really great dress!' I was like, 'Oh, I just wore that the other day, how did you know?' 'Oh, well, on blank-blank-blank-dot-com.' I wouldn't know. I don't know whose movie made money — I haven't seen a movie. I don't know who's famous and who's not, I don't know any young people that are coming up. I'll see somebody, and I'll say, 'That girl's really pretty.' And someone may say, 'Oh, of course, she's on "The Hills" or something.' Is that a show? I've got strong opinions, and I can get short. But I'm just not that high-maintenance. So the whole world knows I had miscarriages. And yes, I've done in vitro however many times — three times. Yes, I've said that David and I go to therapy. Yes. Nothing's too precious for me. For some reason, I don't care. I wish I could be a little bit more, like, 'You're trying to dig something out of me,' and me being like, 'I'm not going to talk about that.' What do you want to talk about? I don't care." — Courteney Cox. [LA Times]
• "I don't enjoy being looked at. But that's part of being successful, doing magazine covers. It's very masochistic – the one thing you're so afraid of you become addicted to. I'm addicted to being uncomfortable." — Megan Fox. [NY Daily News via Wonderland Magazine]

Researchers are studying how to keep mouth bacteria that are harmless to adults from traveling through a pregnant woman's placenta and causing premature birth or miscarriage. • Today in Godless America news: the new House spending bill could fund abortions and help legalize marijuana in DC. • A Canadian study found that boys with "deviant friends" committed more crimes, and that "help provided by the juvenile justice system" predisposed them toward criminal acts in adulthood. • Syria has imposed a minimum sentence for honor killings, but that minimum is only two years. • The Mall of America will display a 100-pound cupcake on Saturday — somehow, this is a tribute to Sponge Bob Square Pants. When the display is over, the cupcake will be eaten by hogs. • But an even bigger cupcake — this one more than 330 pounds — was eaten by humans Thursday in Covent Garden. • Time to kill? Check out these six inconsistencies from the show Roseanne. • "Experts" are trying to get Cesar Chavez, Thurgood Marshall, and Anne Hutchinson left out of Texas social studies textbooks, saying they are "given too much attention." •

In doing research for this, we noticed that a lot of these women had characteristics in common. Almost all of them are middle class. Many of them are educated and somewhat socially awkward. A lot of them are either nerdy, or have nerdy pasts, and can be annoying. But unfortunately, all of them — including the animated ones — are Caucasian. Worse still, only three of the females listed below are characters on shows currently on air. It's sad that in the past 30 years, feminism hasn't even managed to get two dozen recurring characters on television to admit to being part of the movement. (Again, these are pop culture characters who spoke openly about being feminists or feminism; however, if, over the course of our research we overlooked/couldn't find someone you think should be included, please do let us know in the comments - we'd love to keep updating this post with characters.)

Maude Findlay, Maude
As the title character of the series, Maude Findlay (Bea Arthur) was probably the most outspoken, upfront feminist of sitcom TV. Running from 1972 - 1978, smack dab in the middle of the women's lib movement, Maude was a Democrat who was pro-choice—she had an abortion on the show, pre-Roe v. Wade—and was a political activist who advocated for gender and racial equality. The show's theme song, "And Then There's Maude," also reflected Maude's feminism, comparing her to strong women in history like Joan of Arc, Lady Godiva, and "bra burners."

Marcy D'Arcy, Married With Children
The breadwinner of her family, whether she was married to her first husband Steve or second husband Jefferson, Marcy (Amanda Bearse) hated Al Bundy and his misogynistic views on women. Although she was a Republican loan officer, she was also a radical feminist and formed FANG (Feminists Against Neanderthal Guys) in retaliation of Al's club NO MA'AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood).

Julia Sugarbaker and Mary Jo Shively, Designing Women
As owner and designer of interior decorating company Sugarbaker Designs, Julia (Dixie Carter) and Mary Jo (Annie Potts) were the liberal mouthpieces of writer Linda Bloodworth-Thomason. Airing from 1986 - 1993, the show was often topical and dealt with women's issues like spousal abuse, prostitution, homosexuality, cat-calling construction workers, and hostility toward overweight women. One episode focused entirely on the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas, with the women sharing painful personal memories of sexual harassment and wearing shirts that said, "He did it." Julia regularly made long, liberal-leaning speeches when she got into it with other characters. Interestingly, according to Wikipedia, Dixie Carter is a Republican and "disagreed with many of her character's left-of-center commentaries, and made a deal with the producers that for every speech she gave, Julia would get to sing a song in a future episode."

Murphy Brown, Murphy Brown
During the late '80s and early '90s, Monday nights on CBS featured an hour-long block of feminist comedy with Murphy Brown and Designing Women airing back-to-back. Running from 1988 - 1998, Murphy Brown (Candace Bergen) was the supposed epitome of "post-feminism." As a news anchor/recovering alcoholic, Murphy's feminism was often highlighted by her contrast to the character Corky Sherwood, a ditsy, former Miss America turned broadcast journalist. In the 1991-1992 season, Murphy became pregnant and chose to raise the baby as a single mother, prompting former Vice President Dan Quayle to criticize the character for ignoring the importance of fathers, opening a national discourse on "family values." The show addressed his remarks by editing his speech to make it appear as though he was talking about Murphy personally instead of the character, leading Murphy to do a special edition broadcast on her news program FYI of different kinds of families.

Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
As head writer of The Girlie Show (or TSG with Tracy Jordan), Liz Lemon is a fictionalized version of 30 Rock creator Tina Fey. As a liberal, Lemon believes that "gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars," and is heavily concerned with the idea of fairness. She's described—accurately, according to other characters on the show—by her boss Jack Donaghy as a "New York third-wave feminist, college-educated, single-and-pretending-to-be-happy-about-it, over-scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says 'healthy body image' on the cover and every two years you take up knitting for...a week." She is constantly in a struggle to balance her personal and professional lives, and in her late 30s, is feeling the pressure to either adopt or have a child of her own, which can sometimes be mistaken for baby fever, particularly when she was asked by a makeup artist on the set to hold her baby, then blacked out and woke up in her apartment, still holding the child. But while she'd like the ideal setup of marriage and a family, she doesn't think the former is necessary to achieve the latter, as demonstrated in an episode when she bought a wedding dress, despite the fact that she doesn't have a boyfriend, saying, "I'm gonna get the wedding dress, then I'm gonna have a baby and then I'm gonna die and then I'll meet a super cute guy in Heaven."

Elyse Keaton, Family Ties
Airing from 1982 - 1989 during the Reagan era, Family Ties featured feminist mother Elyse (Meredith Baxter-Birney), a baby boomer Democrat former-hippie raising her kids in the suburbs while maintaining a job. She and her husband Steven were political activists before settling down but still were very much liberal-minded. Her feminism was often in contrast with her daughter Mallory's flightiness and obsession with fashion and her Republican son Alex's traditional views, although Alex would later date a feminist artist named Ellen (played by Tracy Pollan, who ended up marrying Micheal J. Fox in real life).

Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons
Lisa (voiced by Yeardley Smith) is smart and wise beyond her years eight years. She's a vegetarian, environmentalist, feminist and supporter of Tibetan freedom. She is a Ghost World fan, adores ponies, has struggled with body image issues, has a love/hate relationship with her Malibu Stacy doll, and gets angered over males' lack of "regard for feelings and unicorns." However, she is aware of her own intelligence, which sometimes leads to arrogance. Occasionally she'll undermine her stay-at-home mother for her seemingly traditional gender role, but always ends up learning a lesson from her mistakes and incorrect assumptions.

Andrea Zuckerman, Beverly Hills, 90210
From 1990 - 1995 Andrea (Gabrielle Carteris) was 90210's resident "brainy" girl. As editor-in-chief of the high school paper The West Beverly Blaze, Andrea was socially awkward, but socially conscious—in stark contrast to the shallow, beautiful girls in her school—and the storylines involving her character dealt with gender, class, and racial issues. She was sexually harassed by a teacher at West Beverly, and later accused AP English teacher Mr. Meyer of sexism when he attempted to demote her and make Brandon Walsh the EIC of the paper. (Being vocal on the issue led to her sharing the position with Brandon.) Like Donna Martin, Andrea was saving herself for marriage, but as a freshman in college she fucked her RA, then later another guy named Jesse. Jesse knocked her up, the two married—even though her Judaism clashed with his Catholicism—had a kid, then went to Yale together.

Jessie Spano, Saved by the Bell
As a strong-willed feminist, Jessie (Elizabeth Berkley) was an overachiever. She was class president, a straight-A student, and briefly tried to balance all of that with a singing career that led to an addiction to caffeine pills. She introduced legions of young girls to the term "chauvinist pig," and all though she was a crusader against sexism, she fell for the school jock A.C. Slater.

Roseanne Connor, Roseanne
Airing from 1988 - 1997, Roseanne was groundbreaking for giving a face to blue-collar feminism. Instead of the tired feminist stereotype in which female characters strive to "have it all" (a successful career and a family) Roseanne (Roseanne Barr) struggled to have enough. She took care of her kids, husband, and house while also working a number of menial jobs to make ends meet, demonstrating how modern women of the '80s were expected to cook, clean, and contribute to household finances. She had a group of close girlfriends that included her sister Jackie, who were supportive rather than competitive with each other. Most importantly, perhaps, Roseanne was an overweight female lead character whose likability did not depend on her appearance.

Karen Arnold, The Wonder Years
Airing from 1988 - 1993, The Wonder Years took place in 1968 - 1973, reflecting the political and cultural climate of the time. As the older sister of protagonist/narrator Kevin Arnold, Karen (Olivia d'Abo) was a hippie, liberal, feminist, idealist who clashed with her conservative, traditional father. She inspired her brother Kevin to protest the Vietnam War by staging a walkout at his school, and her free-spirit perhaps inspired her homemaker mother to go back to college and start a career of her own.

Midge Pinciotti, That '70s Show
As Donna's mother, Midge (Tanya Roberts) was easily influenced by any fad in the '70s, including women's liberation. On the show, she takes women's studies classes, and joins the group "Feminist Warriors." Although a stereotypical ditsy sexpot, Midge still manages to instill feminist values in her daughter Donna.

Rory Gilmore, Gilmore Girls
Born to an unwed, teen mother, Rory (Alexis Bledel) was a bright, well-behaved, pop-culturally savvy teenager, who was valedictorian of her competitive high school and went on to study journalism at Yale. While her romantic relationships were often masochistic, she was often seen reading feminist prose, and dreamed of one day having a career like Christiane Amanpour. At college, her dorm room was decorated with Planned Parenthood, NARAL, and Gloria Steinem stickers. At the end of the show's seven-year run in 2007, Rory's boyfriend proposes to her, but she decides that she was too young to be tied down.

Femme Fatale, Powerpuff Girls
A villain from the animated series Powerpuff Girls, Femme Fatale was described as "the feminist of all feminists," who unfortunately was portrayed as a man-hater. When she robbed banks, she only stole money in the form of Susan B. Anthony coins. Her weapon, a firearm, is shaped like a female symbol, as is her mask. She's a female supremist who convinces Buttercup, Blossom, and Bubbles that they have been taken advantage of, as females. However, the girls realize that feminism isn't about special treatment, but equal treatment, and lock Femme up in jail. (Femme cries that she looks fat in horizontal stripes.)

Janice Soprano Baccalieri, The Sopranos
Manipulative and headstrong, Janice (Aida Turturro) had a personality much like her mother Livia's. A free spirit when she was younger, she escaped the patriarchal structure of her family to travel around Europe and the U.S., only to return to New Jersey as an adult. Craving power, she would use sex and suggestion as means to an end. In one episode, Carmela tells Janice that if she continues to date the men in the "family business," she'll have to "accept a gumar." Janice said, "Oh, yeah? Well I'd like to see a gumar who's gonna let him hold a gun to their head when they fuck," telling Carmela that kind of sex play is no different than garter belts and nurse's uniforms. Carmela says, "Well, it's a gun, Janice. I thought you were a feminist." Janice replied matter-of-factly, "Usually he takes the clip out."

Detective Olivia Benson, Law & Order: SVU
As part of the Special Victims Unit that deals in crimes related to sexual assault (rape, molestation, etc.), Detective Benson (Mariska Hargitay) is often the empathetic voice looking out for the best interest victims. Although she is a child of her mother's rape, Detective Benson is an advocate for Plan B in rape kits. With episodes "ripped from the headlines," episodes deal with "sexting," internet predators, and the idea of rape as being a "hate crime," and the controversy of getting it classified as such.

Miranda Hobbes, Sex and the City
Of the four women characters on SATC, Miranda is the most vocal about being a feminist. A lawyer who owns her own apartment, she is cynical and initially was presented as kind of a misandrist. For a show that was supposed to embody modern feminism, Miranda was really the only character to openly profess her feminism and reference the movement in her dialogue. (In one episode she referred to Samantha as a "dime-store Camille Paglia" for her views on prostitution as being a legitimate exchange of power.)

Velma Dinkley, Scooby-Doo, The Venture Bros.
While many would consider the bookish, skillful, and apt Velma to be a feminist, it was never mentioned on the original Scooby-Doo series. However, on the Adult Swim animated series The Venture Bros., Velma was presented a lesbian, female elitist who viewed men as "incomplete females due to their XY chromosomes."

• Matt Lauer flipped over the handlebars of his bicycle this weekend when a deer ran in front of him. Meredith Viera thought this was hilarious, but Lauer needs surgery for a separated shoulder. [Entertainment Tonight]

• Matt Lauer wasn't on the Today show this morning and co-anchor Meredith Viera said Matt "thinks the deer was hired by the competition." She added, "I hired the deer, but I said, 'Just graze him.' " [People]
• Lance Armstrong suffered a broken collarbone after falling during the first stage of a five-day race in Spain. He's returning to the U.S. so doctors can determine whether he needs further surgery. "I'm miserable. I just need to relax a couple of days and then make a plan," he says. [CNN]
• David Letterman and longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko have gotten married. They have one son together and have been dating for 10 years. [Us]
• Tyrese Gibson is defending Chris Brown again. He says: "Although he appears to be really strong through all of this, it's really taking a toll on his spirit," said Gibson. "People like me and Puff, we're just trying to show him love and keep his spirits up while he's going through all of the heat, and there are a lot people doing the same for Rihanna ... It's really hard for him to focus right now on his music, even though he really wants to ... At the end of the day, I'm not trying to justify it because wrong is wrong, but unfortunately, us as entertainers, we have to grow up on stage with a lot of people looking at us. And a lot of people forget that he's 19, she's only 21." [People]
• Today LeAnn Rimes was pictured kissing her husband, Dean Sheremet, though it was reported last week that she is cheating on him and he is gay. [TMZ]
• Northern Lights, the TV movie LeAnn Rimes starred in with her alleged lover, Eddie Cibrian, was the highest rated Lifetime movie this year. Was it all a publicity stunt? [Perez Hilton]
• M.I.A. complained on her blog that people were saying her babies name is Ickitt. Now the baby's brith certificate reveals it's actually Ikhyd. [TMZ]
• In honor of Bruce Willis' wedding, Ashton Kutcher has Twittered some of his advice on marriage. He writes: "For me it's about relearning that supporting my wife isn't about providing $ and Home, it's about supporting her desires, needs and emotions." Kutcher added: "Greatest lesson in my marriage. Don't try to solve her problems, just listen, love and be supportive. This is the opposite of male nature." [Yahoo]
• Leanne Marshall, says of her former Project Runway co-star's (Kenley Collins) cat throwing, "This should put a clear answer to the question I am most frequently asked, 'Was Kenley really that awful, or was she just edited like that?' " She says: "When she got angry, I knew to keep my distance. Clearly, she needs therapy." [ONTD]
• Jackie Chan is giving up kung fu movies. He says he doesn't like the Rush Hour films, but "they're paying us really well." He says now he "would love to be the Asian Robert De Niro or Dustin Hoffman." [The Mirror]
• Roseanne may be headed back to TV. The show, a family comedy in which Roseanne would play the lead role, has already been pitched to FOX. [Perez Hilton]
• In this riveting video, Hugh Jackman does a bad job parallel parking his car. [TMZ]
• The psychiatrist who allegedly gave Anna Nicole Smith illegal drugs is now involved in her own scandal. Photos of Dr. Khristine Eroshevich snorting what looks like cocaine have surfaced online. [Star]
• Vanessa Regrave, mother of Natasha Richardson, has postponed her performance of The Year of Magical Thinking which was set to start in New York on April 27. [Yahoo]
• With everything the censors do allow on Family Guy it's a little surprising they cut this song, in which Stewie violently kills people who annoy him such as the cast of Entourage and "the girl you date who doesn't get the jokes in Caddyshack. [Entertainment Weekly]
• What is it with these kids? Photos of Joe Jonas pulling his eyes to make fun of Asian features recently surfaced, but while Miley Cyrus immediately apologized about her racists photos, Jonas hasn't said anything. [Socialite Life]
• TMZ doesn't approve of Mischa Barton smoking on the way to the gym. [TMZ]
• Zac Efron won't be kicking off his Sunday shoes. He's pulled out of a remake of the movie Footloose. [NY Magazine]
• Robin Williams' heart surgery was successful and he is currently recovering at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. "Mr. Williams' operation went extremely well and we expect him to make a full recovery," said the hospital's cardiothoracic surgeon A. Marc Gillinov. "A couple of hours after surgery, he was entertaining the medical team and making us all laugh." [E!]
• Mariska Hargitay is returning to work on Law and Order: SVU this week after being treated for a collapsed lung. [ONTD]
• A Steve McQueen biopic is in the works. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Chad Michael Murray told a fan he's getting kicked off One Tree Hill because The CW "wants to save money." He encouraged fans to "start blogging and being pissed off." [The Superficial]
• Ciara is rather flexible in the new video for her song "Love Sex Magic" featuring Justin Timberlake. [Pop Sugar]
• The man who rented the house where the season finale of The Hills was filmed is suing producers because he claims they cause $158,250.07 worth of property damage. [ONTD]
• In this then and now feature, we get to see what the cat who played Mr. Bigglesworth in Austin Powers looks like today. [People]
• Kanye West is on the cover of Complex, though it's a little hard to tell it's him because he was photographed with the same technology used to age Benjamin Button. Kanye is also surprisingly humble. He says: "I would never spaz on MTV the way I did before. I feel like there are people who have given a lot to me and I wasn't appreciative of them. MTV had a major part in making me, so how the hell could I ever come out of my mouth and dis them and just be like the cry-baby-ass bitch over one performance? How the hell is a 29-year-old grown ass man acting like a little bitch and getting all emotional? How spoiled can I get?" Kanye explains that he only acts like an arrogant jerk because, "I'm here to entertain people and to be the one that does the crazy, bold stuff so they can live through me and get their mind off the recession and the war and whatever else is going on in the world." [E!]
• "I always thought I'd be a really good gay guy. I love American Idol. I watch Antiques Roadshowlike crazy. Guys like Oscar Wilde, Stephen Fry, Elton John – they're all very bright, with a razor-sharp wit. David Sedaris – who's funnier than David Sedaris? The Saturday Night Livethat I hosted was such a gay-heavy show. But it didn't even cross my mind until after. The family that kept kissing each other – I didn't even think of that as being gay... I remember doing interviews for The Object of My Affection, and people would say, 'What was it like to kiss a guy?' Like it was such a shocking thing. I said, How many times does anyone ask, 'You had to shoot somebody. Was that weird?' I love gay guys. I feel pretty gay. I'm certainly not the most macho guy in the room." - Paul Rudd [World of Wonder]

• New details on Rihanna: The warrant detailing the entire assault has been released, her family says she's changed her contact information, and her rep isn't denying that she and Chris are engaged.

• A search warrant affidavit based on "Robyn F."'s statements was filed to obtain cell phone records for Rihanna, Chris, and one of Rihanna's personal assistants. The report alleges that Chris beat Rihanna while driving and tried to push her out of his car. Rihanna called her assistant during the attack and pretended to tell her, "I am on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there," but she got the assistant's voicemail. Chris said: "You just did the stupidest thing ever. I'm going to kill you." The report says he put her in a headlock and she almost lost consciousness. You can read the entire document here: [The Smoking Gun]
• Law enforcement sources say that on the night of the attack, Rihanna said Chris had been violent to her in the past and the attacks were getting more violent. [TMZ]
• The tabloid magazines are insisting that Rihanna and Chris are either married or engaged, and when her reps finally responded, this is what they said: "Sorry for the delayed response, but we aren't able to offer anything right now but will keep you in posted if that changes." Are they not in touch with Rihanna or is it possible that the story is true? [Perez Hilton]
• Rihanna's dad, Ronald Fenty, says that he and Rihanna's mother and brother can't reach her anymore because her phone numbers and email have been changed. He said of Chris Brown being charged: "Justice can never be served in this situation. He can't feel the pain she felt. I don't believe in hitting a woman. I hope everything works out better for them. I don't feel happy or sad. He's in the court's hands. Let justice prevail." [Us]
• Whoever runs Chris Brown's MySpace picked today to post a reminder to vote for Chris for the Kids Choice Awards. [MySpace]
• Jaime Lee Curtis wrote a post on the Huffington Post complaining about the New York Times story on President Obama going gray. "Give me a f-ing break," she writes. "Are we really so deluded ... that we are focusing even one inch of a column of this venerable institution, the New York Times as well as every other outlet, Huffpost included, on the president's hair color?" [The Huffington Post]
• A Beatles version of Rock Band is coming out in September. Instruments modeled after the ones uses by the band will be sold to go with the game. [AP]
• In this video from last night's David Letterman, U2 read the Top Ten List and The Edge goes off script and makes fun of Sting. [E!]
• Watch the new Wolverine trailer, with many gratuitous shots of a shirtless Hugh Jackman here: [Perez Hilton]
• Former Monkees guitarist Peter Tork has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer in his tounge. He has Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma, a cancer of the head and neck, but says his prognosis is good. [The Daily Mail]
• Miley Cyrus's boyfriend, Justin Gaston, was once on the cover of an European teen magazine called Electric Youth! wearing a Speedo. [Perez Hilton]
• Julia Roberts was invited to be one of the former winners presenting awards at the Oscars but turned the Academy down. "My husband had been away and just returned home so I felt it best to stay home and welcome him and be with my family," she said. "That was my priority so we watched the show on television." [The Telegraph]
• Oprah is going to talk about her interview with Michelle Obama on Friday's show and share pictures. The interview will appear in the next issue of O Magazine. [Chicago Sun-Times]
• Robin Williams has postponed his comedy tour because he needs heart surgery. He's getting an aortic valve replacement and hopes to be able to work again in the fall. [TMZ]
• Politico has an "exclusive" interview with Brad Pitt in D.C. ... in which he doesn't say a word. [Politico]
• Dr. Laura is criticizing Kohl's on her blog for choosing Britney Spears to represent their brand Candie's. Kohl's answered one of her reader's complaints, saying Brit "personifies the iconic ‘Candie's Girl:' flirty, self-confident, and stylish." Dr. Laura says, "How 'bout 'piggish, out of control, and irresponsible parent?'" [Dr. Laura Blog]
• Vince Vaughn is actually engaged to 29-year-old Calgary realtor Kyla Weber, according to her dad. [Montreal Gazette]
• Blake Lively says when Gossip Girl returns on March 17 Serena will have a new love interest and "You get to see a little bit of the economy reflected on our show. There's a bit of a Bernie Madoff-type thing happening." [USA Today]
• Adele is apologizing to Justin Timberlake because she was overwhelmed backstage at the Grammys and didn't realize it was him when he congratulated her. "Justin, I love you and I'm really sorry ... for making it seem like I didn't want to meet you," says Adele. "I really did – and I don't think we can ever be friends because you're just too much. You're too good!" [Peopel]
• In this video a paparazzi asks Michelle Rodriquez, "How's your community service going?" and she shoots back, "How's your dick sucking going brother?" [Jossip]
• You can watch the commercial Helen Hunt directed for Frito-Lay snack brand TrueNorth here: [Ad Week]
• D.L. Hughley Breaks the News will end its run this month. CNN says Hughley approached them about ending the show because he wants to move to L.A. [Media Bistro]
• Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jason Alexander, and Michael Richards will be featured on a multi-episode story arc on HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm this fall. [Entertainment Weekly]
• [AP]
• On the set of The Burning Plain Mexican director Guillermo Arriaga's friend Adrian would teach Charlize Theron swear words in Spanish and have her repeat them to the director. Theron says: "Adrian was like 'Go to Guillermo and say... I can't remember now, and I would say it really loud and half the crew understood it!" [The Mirror]
• Taylor Swift says: "My friends and I took pride in the fact that we were the weirdest girls at our school. We never fit in with the cool girls because we didn't really care what people thought. We had so much fun goofing off and being being crazy. We would go out to dinner in our prom dress, accessorized with scarves, fingerless gloves and costume jewelry. Sometimes we'd draw a beauty mark on our faces, wear a tiara and funny slippers. We didn't care!" [Perez Hilton]
• Michael Caine is playing an old man forced to enter a nursing home in his new film Is Anybody There? He says: "I don't think of me as an old man ... I play a guy, 75, 76, and I tell myself, 'He is not you. He is him. He's very sick. He is getting dementia. And he has a much harder life than you have.' I always like to stretch myself and do films that interest me. I thought he was a wonderful old man. I really loved him." [USA Today]
• Roseanne Barr wrote another lengthy blog post about Rihanna and Chris Brown. She says that Rihanna is sending out the message through her publicity team that she provoked Chris so he's not to blame. "I just know from experience that this is how show business works to conceal and excuse domestic abuse," she says. "I also know from experience that it is common that the woman throws the first insult or punch. the big dirty secret is that violent men are with violent women and vice versa. They continue to stay together so they can continue to be violent, break up and then make up, involving all their families and their friends in the whole sick and stinking charade. They both need to go to jail, if in fact she did hit him or terrorize him psychologically. I lived through this crap, and I know how it goes." [The Life Files]

• McCain campaign claims that it didn't keep a lot of those Fashiongate duds: "about a third of it was returned immediately" when they didn't fit. Yes, that'd be $50,000 worth. [AP]
• Roseanne offers a McCain-Palin Hitler smiley-face tee on her website. Genocide sensitivity: ur doin it rong. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Tom Ford makes over 007: “It was time for a change and, whereas Brioni is very polished, this new Bond is edgier and darker...Tom Ford’s tailored suits work better for him.” [FT]
• Sarah Jessica Parker's hard at work on her new fragrances, Lovely Moments. "The collection will include three fragrances based on different expressions of time — Dawn, Endless and Twilight." What? [WWD]

• Moscow Fashion Week is uncharacteristically subdued. [Reuters]
• Because shopping at French Connection is a good indicator of your civic acumen, the chain is offering a 15% discount to those who can prove they voted. Seems ripe for voter fraud to me... [Nylon]
• Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell are co-hosting a Halloween party. What happens when they both come dressed as the Queen? [Fashionista]
• Quoth the creative director of Moschino: "The glossy, glamorous and cool world of fashion have never particularly fascinated me: I adore fashion and many of its representatives not for those aspects but for the creativity, the research and the effort that remains behind every collection." This translates to a front row filled with stuffed animals. [IHT]
• Zara continues to defy the market. In a good way. [Reuters]
• Ditto Avon; a gal still needs her undereye concealer. [Business Week]
• Other stalwarts? Plain white shirts. "Fun" men's shirts are out. [Telegraph]
• Tailoring, however, is in! [NY Times]
• Not to be left behind the, um, phone craze, Ralph Lauren launches an iPhone app, should you wish to gaze at madras at your whim. [MobileCrunch]
• British designer complains she can't find Size 10 (that's a U.S. 6) models to walk in her shows. "I have always been someone who would request that model agencies send me their curviest girls. But this time even they were too tiny to fill a pair of size 10 trousers and make them look great." [Guardian]
• The economy's climate of "retail darwinism" takes its toll on experimental fashion. [Portfolio]
• The carnage continues: although Elle is strong, Elle Accessories is suspended, loses four staffers. [NY Magazine]
• WWD names Natasha Poly and Lily Donaldson "the hottest models of the season." [WWD]
• Twiggy: "Just because you’re middle-aged you don’t have to live in flannel knickers!" It does mean you have to diet, apparently! [Mirror]
• "Sitting at his kitchen table recently, Mr. Siriano mused that he had a few days ahead of him with no bookings. I am like, 'Am I out? Is everyone over me?' That's kind of scary.'" Don't worry, Christian, you're fierce! [Wall Street Journal]
• Clothing line gives 400 poor little babies rashes on their backs! [USA Today]
• Alexander McQueen: "I was thinking of the British Empire...because we don't have one any more. Of course, it's not right for one nation to govern another, but I have no other mentality apart from a British mentality. We've lost our way as a nation at the moment, I think, and I wanted to unify myself with Britain throughout history, and to celebrate any heritage. The idea was to look at tradition as opposed to being anarchic." Translation? Rock necklaces. [Independent]
• Ecko employee sues over sexual harassment after a male colleague allegedly "threw a fistful of coins down into the crack of her buttocks." [NY Post]
• Lagerfeld is lukewarm on the contents of his Chanel pavilion: "The pavilion is the most exciting. Whatever may be in there—that is not my problem.” [The New Yorker]

"I'm very proud of its timelessness and, you know, the fact that it has a political edge that is even more relevant now than it was then," Roseanne tells EW. "I set out to talk about America's working women, and yeah, I guess that's groundbreaking.''

But that's not the only way in which Roseanne broke new ground. Martin Mull, who played Roseanne's openly gay boss, Leon, tells EW, "One of the reasons that I was delighted with the part… was the way it was handled....Whereby let's say both Rosie and Goodman both had a little bit of a weight problem, the show was not filled with fat jokes. And by the same token, when Leon came along, the fact that he was gay was kind of like 'Okay, next! Now, let's deal with him as a human being.'" Sandra Bernhard also played an openly gay character on the show — Roseanne's friend Nancy — and her sexuality was treated with care and dignity, not like a sideshow.

And then there were Roseanne's daughters, Darlene and Becky. Neither girl was a plastic stick figure like the over-plucked teen heroines of 90210 or even the daughters on red state family friendly sitcoms like The Bill Engvall Show. Both Darlene and Becky were shown to be bright and headstrong, just like their mother. Sara Gilbert, the actress who played the sardonic Darlene, has this to say about her character, "I loved that she goes away to art school or to be a writer or whatever. I loved that she, it's the story of this family that sacrifices and is so poor, and this mother does everything for her kids, and her daughter goes on to make something of her life. I think that's so moving."

One could argue that the sitcom format is dead, and that a show like Roseanne is a relic of the sitcom age. But it still doesn't change the fact that families like the Connors are not present on television in any way, shape, or form, even on reality TV. When Bravo airs the "Real" housewives of Atlanta, NYC, and Orange County, they show only the frivolous and the uberwealthy. John Goodman said of Roseanne's debut, "'We came on following Moonlighting, and there was stuff like Dynasty and Dallas with all of these happy, rich, feel-good people, and then there was us. We knew we were different, and we knew she was really plugged in to what was going on in the country. People who looked like us were not doing too good." Looks like we could use another Roseanne these days, if only so she could kick the crap out of those wussy, whiny Desperate Housewives.

'Roseanne': The Cast Looks Back On the Show's 20th Anniversary

• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson: On the rocks??? Apparently LL loves to party and Sam is shuns the spotlight; plus Sam's a thoughtful person and isn't sure how she comes across in this "celebrity romance." Gah. [Daily Mail]
• Wait a minute! Sam proposed?! While she and Lindsay were on vacay in Mexico! With a Cartier diamond ring! [ONTD]
• Holy crap: John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston were seen kissing on Monday in California. They flew in to L.A. together on a private plane; hugged and kissed and then went their separate ways. Then again, the source is The National Enquirer. Hmm. [Perez Hilton]
• Jen and Vince together again in a sequel to The Break-Up? This just seems false. [Daily Express]
• Actor Guillaume Depardieu, son of French movie star Gerard Depardieu, died yesterday of complications from pneumonia. He was 37. [USA Today]
• Maureen McCormick, aka Marcia Brady, is spilling all in her new memoir: depression, drug addiction, abortions, trading sex for drugs and engaging in full-on binges at the Playboy Mansion. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! [E!]

• Prince performed in NYC over the weekend but told the audience to turn off their cellphones — which were interfering with the sound system — or "there may not be a show." Anderson Cooper was there. [Page Six]
• Russell Crowe has been cutting down on his drinking. "But tequila and I are still good friends, and vodka and I still get on. It’s just the dark drinks that don’t seem to bring out the best of my personality." [Daily Express]
• Is Kate Moss giving up drinking too? For Jamie Hince? [Mirror]
• If you haven't had enough Brad/Angelina/W magazine stuff, and you're curious how the photo shoot concept came about, click here. Hint: It has to do with Elizabeth Taylor, Bruce Weber, eBay and film that hasn't been manufactured for four years. [W]
• Simon Cowell's American Idol salary: $36 million a year. Paula Abdul's American Idol salary: $5 to $8 million a year. [MSNBC]
• Travis Barker, blogging from his hospital bed: "Despite any rumors you might have heard via my EX-wife Shanna Moakler, who I have not seen since the week I checked in, I've been treated amazingly well, both here in LA and in Georgia. The hospitals I've been treated at are THE BEST." [E!]
• A report, not a review, of Katie Holmes on Broadway: "She isn’t bad. She’s up against some real pro’s, and she holds her own. Like most movie and TV actors, her voice and projection need work. But she knows her lines, appears to understand the character, and does not embarrass herself at all." [Fox 411]
• Diddy sold his Rolls-Royce Phantom last week, but only because he's getting a new Rolls convertible. [Page Six]
• The person who wrote the lyrics and melody for Beyoncé's new song, "If I Were A Boy," is named BC Jean. But Beyoncé's father tried to get Beyonce’s name on the writing credits. [Fox 411]
• Nicole Richie filmed a guest spot on NBC's Chuck and played a bully with a "great fight scene." [People]
• Sharon Osbourne has a problem with Nicole Kidman — "she's got a forehead like a fucking flatscreen TV" — and other plastic surgery fans who pretend nothing has happened: "Oh my God! Those liars! I hate them! Those bitches! They are like, 'I didn't do anything.' Meanwhile, their eyebrows are here. Lying bitch!" [The Sun]
• Johnny Depp's ladyfriend, Vanessa Paradis, says, they are not getting married. "Each summer people say we're supposed to be getting married, but we don't talk about it that much. He's got me, and he knows he's got me." She also says she gets why women want to mob him: "I understand. I want to mob him all the time, I do. He's a very charming person." [People]
• David and Victoria Beckham's housekeepers deny stealing personal items from the house to sell on eBay. Guess who saw the stuff online and reported it to the cops? Vicky's parents. [Daily Mail]
• OMG. Kate Middleton caught talking on the phone while driving. The horror! [Telegraph]
• Rapper T.I. has a number one album and has to go to jail for weapons possession. He says he's "a little anxious" about prison. As for buying guns, he explains, "You know how many attempts have been made against my life? There are people out there that would rather kill you than to tell you, 'Good luck' or 'I am happy for you.' So, until you understand that, you wouldn't understand my train of thought. Not to say it was right. It's just my best explanation." [UPI]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is talking about her body again! "I'm getting ready to turn 30 and get married and all those things," she says. "This year was my year to try to glow from within and feel better." So: "I work out about four or five days a week." She's perfecting her pushup and she thinks the plank pose is "very cool." [People]
• Mark Wahlberg. Gonna marry the lady who gave birth to his three kids. Say hi to your mother for me. [E!]
• Boy George called Little Britain star Matt Lucas a "prissy, niggly diva" back in 2002. He later attempted to apologize but Lucas didn't respond. [Daily Express]
• Richard Gere says: "I stopped reading the press a long time ago. Lots of crazy things came up about me at first, especially from the tabloids. There is an infamous 'Gere stuck a hamster up his bum' urban myth." But! As Michael Musto points out, it was a gerbil rumor. Hmm. [Village Voice]
• Kenny Chesney on his new album: "It's no secret—there are about four or five songs that are about Renée [Zellweger]." [E!]
• Blake Incarcerated's mom says: "I don't think rehab is the answer." She thinks Blake needs to come home to her. Plus she says: "I don't speak to Amy. I feel all the media attention on Amy has probably had an impact on my son's release." Ya think? [People]
• Janet Jackson has canceled more concerts. She still has not made a statement about what kind of illness she has. [AP]
• Uh, was Jermaine Dupri told by Janet Jackson's people, "You're not her boyfriend anymore." ??? [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Clark Gable's granddaughter Kayley is a fucking mess. [TMZ]
• Shannen Doherty has agreed to do two additional episodes on 90210. But seriously, no one is watching anymore, right? [LA Times]
• Lethal Weapon 5: Not happening. "Mel turned it down," director Richard Donner says. [LA Times]
• Kevin Spacey: Visiting professor at Oxford University. Pish posh, pip pip, cheerio! [The Star]
• Wanna see Roseanne riff on John McCain and "a nation run by old men on Viagra" ? Click the link! [Guardian]
• Lisa Marie Presley's twin girls are named Finley and Harper. [People]
• Lance Bass's ex, Reichen Lehmkuhl, has been posting personal trainer ads on Craigslist. [Perez Hilton]
• George Michael is coming out of "retirement" to perform at an exclusive show in Abu Dhabi next month. [Mirror]
• "He's one of the funniest human beings alive." — Dick Van Dyke on Ricky Gervais. [The Star]
• "[Heath Ledger] never involved himself in Hollywood and he didn't want to be a celebrity. He wanted to be an actor. I love acting. I just don't like the current state of the movie business and what is released. The rest of the world makes movies that mean something some of the time. In America, we don't." — Billy Bob Thornton, who worked with Ledger in Monster's Ball. [Daily Express]
• "There's nothing wrong with Disney, but my benchmarks are more West Side Story meets Jesus Christ Superstar. I'm trying to write a musical that will be relevant to a 16-year-old today, a rite of passage for a young girl into womanhood." — Tori Amos, who is working on a feminist fairytale, to be completed by 2010. [Independent]
• "Breast cancer helped me put myself first in life. Once I stepped out of radiation, I had to remember that the only person who could take care of me was me. I'd better do that before I take care of everybody else, instead of everybody else first." — Sheryl Crow. [People]
• "One of the best things about America is that we are a melting pot, a mix of many, many different races and nations. Yes, they have their own nationalities and are very proud of them, but that certainly doesn't diminish the fact that they're American. To me, that is what being American is." — Angelina Jolie on her kids. [Perez Hilton]
• "[Barack Obama] is still so new. He seems like a strong leader. We'll see." — Lauren Bush. [Page Six]

• A month after being diagnosed with breast cancer, Christina Applegate is now cancer-free. "I'm clear," she told Robin Roberts of Good Morning America earlier today. "Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. It did not spread — they got everything out, so I'm definitely not going to die from breast cancer." She went on to say: "My decision, after looking at all the treatment plans that were possibilities for me, the only one that seemed the most logical and the one that was going to work for me was to have a bilateral mastectomy." Apparently she had the surgery about three weeks ago. She'll have reconstructive surgery in the coming months. Be well! [ABC News]
• Madonna made a 40-minute speech on her birthday and admitted that she was "disappointed" that some of her celebrity BFFs, including Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney, didn't come to her party. But! Lourdes sang for her, and Guy told her she's beautiful. Is it enough for the woman who wants it all? (Do you think Madge gets depressed?) [MSNBC]
• Apparently Jennifer Aniston is not impressed that John "The Player" Mayer made that speech about her being the smartest most sophisticated person ever. A friend of Jen's says: "He is the biggest jerk ever. How dare he set up a p.r. stunt like that? He should be ashamed of himself and just shut his mouth." [Page Six]

• Now that she's broken up with Lance Armstrong, Kate Hudson has been calling old flame Owen Wilson! "He was frosty at first," says an insider. "He felt betrayed when she dumped him for his friend Lance. But after a while, he caved in and has been sweet to her." Déjà vu all over again. [Star]
• Three words: Beckham The Musical! [People]
• Shirtless pictures of Rafael Nadal. [ONTD via NY Mag]
• Jemaine Clement of Flight Of The Conchords got married! The lucky lady is his long-time girlfriend, Miranda Manasiadis; the ceremony took place in a Los Angeles registry office and costar Bret McKenzie was in attendance. Time to listen to that song Jemaine and Bret wrote for us. [Stuff.co.nz]
• Joshua Radin, the dude who sang at Ellen and Portia's wedding, says: "I cannot imagine topping that experience. I've never played a wedding before, and I probably won't again until it's my own.” Oh and what's this? Pictures in People on newsstands on Friday? Online today? Noted! [People]
• Post-Madonna and estranged wife Cynthia, Alex Rodriguez has been seeing women in Miami's South Beach as well as New York. Don't hate the player, hate the game. [Page Six]
• Britney's custody dispute has been resolved, but it certainly cost her: She owes lawyers over $700,000. [AP]
• Both Donnie Wahlberg and his wife filed for divorce from each other on the same day, within hours. The feeling is mutual. [TMZ]
• Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild will be tried on federal charges in L.A. in September. Did he deduct $20 million in fraudulent expenses on corporate tax returns? He says his accountant set him up, but he also brought "contraband" (sleeping pills, prescription drugs and $700 in cash) into jail and is being sued by GGW ladies. [NY Times]
• Sadie Frost went over to Amy Winehouse's and "left in the early hours in tatters, wearing the singer’s ballerina pumps and showing off her bra strap through an unbuttoned dress." Also? Intoxicated. Obvs. [The Sun]
• Lily Allen's been airing her business on her MySpace: "Now, the album. It has been finished for a while now. I don't really know what's going on with it… I might go on another holiday as I don't have anything else to do." [Mirror]
• Lily Allen smacked a French woman in the street after the passerby called her a "fucking asshole." Amy and Lily need to get in the studio and off of the streets! [The Sun]
• Leonardo DiCaprio: "The worst dancer ever." [Page Six]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt want to have a "clan" like Brad and Angelina: adopted and biological kids. "We'd be so lucky to have a clan like that," says Heidi. She also says: "I used to want to be a missionary… Go to the U.N. for World Hunger and really, you know, not just go there for a safari, but go there to actually help." Lord help us all. [Yahoo News]
• Heidi and Spencer will get married: Heidi is just "waiting for that big ring." Also, she wants the wedding to air live on TV. She says she won't leave the show, because, "Where would I go?" How about "away"? [Pop Sugar]
• Oh, and by the way, Heidi and Spencer would love to take over The Hills. "I think that maybe Lauren is tired of [being on the show], but we’re just beginning," Heidi says. "We’re not even remotely sick of it." [People]
• Lauren Conrad on The Hills: "The show is definitely reaching its end. It's been so amazing and I've loved most of it, but I think there is going to come a time where I need to live my life for myself and not in front of viewers. I'm young and having fun with it now, but it's not something I am going to be able to do forever, obviously." [ET]
• In news older than your grandma, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are being blamed for the popularity of small dogs. [Mirror]
• Tori Spelling's bad boob job will make your chest hurt. [Awful Plastic Surgery]
• Uma Thurman is on the cover of the new In Style and says she would maybe have more kids: "If it's meant to happen, it will. I love and adore being a mother." [People]
• Buckle your seatbelts: Peaches Geldof is moving to the U.S. [Mirror]
• Kelly Osbourne says of Peaches: "It’s a bit sad, to be honest. It’s a great big cry for help and people need to stop talking about her and, you know, maybe all she needs is a hug." [Daily Express]
• New couple alert: Bow Wow and Reverend Run's daughter Vanessa. [Page Six]
• Rhys Ifans and Kimberly Stewart wore leather ensembles on a date to famous sushi restaurant Nobu. [The Sun]
• Paris Hilton's boobs: Plastic or push-up bra? [Page Six]
• New Beyoncé album coming November 18. Title: Virtuoso Intellect. [The.Life Files]
• Critics will not be getting advance screeners of the new 90210, which could mean that it sucks. Stay tuned; the show premieres 9/02. [Perez Hilton]
• Brad Pitt is teaming up with Kiehl's but you won't be able to tell. [ET]
• As previously reported, Roseanne has written a post to Jon Voight on her Web site, and it reads thusly: "Your evil spawn Angelina Jolie and her vacuous hubby Brad Pitt make about $40 million a year in violent, psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children, trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more… Miss Jolie says she likes [John] McCain too and hasn't decided who to endorse....huh? Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the African daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the Republican party's worldwide economic assault on Africa over the last few decades since Reagan? It might be good for your Asian and African children's self-esteem to know you support [Barack Obama, a man of color] for the leader of the free world." [Us Magazine]

The Good:
Doesn't Roseanne look nice? I love the gray hair. (We'll let the gloves go.)

Ed "Lou Grant" Asner is a class act.

Sara Gilbert looks Darlene Connor-rad.

So what if I am on the Roseanne payroll? Sarah Chalke looks good.

Is it just me, or does Rainn Wilson consistently bring it to the red carpet? And go to a lot of these TV awards shows?

Nessa wasn't Miss America for nothing. Those dames know how to work the eveningwear.

The Bad:
I'll say this for (sorta-actress) Kat Kramer: she waited until after Memorial Day.

Model Kim Alexis's gown is a very pretty color. (I'm sorry! I can't help it! Also, you never become a 'former model', right? It's like being President - a life title.)

Personally, I might have sized up. But it's certainly model Beverly Johnson's prerogative to disagree.

More than anything, I'm just confused as to why actress Joanna Cassidy is wearing this suit on the red carpet.

I know the dress codes are fluid at these events (see above), but I must say, Ron "Horshack" Palilli's get-up is more appropriate to a smart-ass teenage boy.

The Ugly:
Jodie Sweetin. Oh, Jodie Sweetin. I can't even summon a "How rude!" through my tears.

[Images via Getty.]

Whitney Houston was an apple-cheeked, church-going baby diva before hooking up with Bobby B, which turned her into a profusely-sweating, cocaine-snorting, reality television brawl having mess. Other famous examples of Bobby Browns include Amy Winehouse's drug-addled fool of a husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, Roseanne's moron of an ex, Tom Arnold, and of course, Kevin Federline. Can you think of other Bobby B.'s littering the pages of history?

Is Paris Hilton Pulling A Yoko? [A Socialite's Life]

• At a Lollapalooza gift suite, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz wouldn't pose with a KY Intimacy kit because Ashlee's dad "would murder them." In their defense? No one should be forced to posed with an "intimacy kit." It's just weird. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Designer Marc Jacobs is still talking about his "totally organic diet" and "two-hour exercise regime." Marc, you're thin now. We get it! [Gatecrasher, 3rd item]
  
• Blind item! "Which mogul hates it when his boyfriends get along with his glamorous wife better than they do with him?" [Gatecrasher, last item]
  
• Gwen Stefani loves breastfeeding! You didn't need to know that, did you? [Page Six]
  
• Tracy Morgan calls his SCRAM anklet a "Lindsay Blowhan bracelet." Hahaha! [Page Six]
  
• Michael Lohan is accusing Dina Lohan of shacking up with a boozing boyfriend. None of this can be good for Lindsay's little brothers and sisters. [Page Six]
  
• Chris Rock is not the father of some woman's 13-year-old son. Yawn. [Page Six]

• Has Paris Hilton ditched her Bible and returned to her old (skanky) ways? She was seen wearing her undies to a Playboy Mansion party. Wait, was that whole demure, buttoned up image on Larry King an act??? [The Sun]
• When Britney arrived for her Allure photo shoot, she "took off her wig and then stripped down to the waist, for no apparent reason." Why are we not surprised? [The Sun]
• The Hills' Heidi Montag, about Lauren Conrad: "I never could be friends with a low-life like that." You know the deal: Pot, kettle. [TMZ, 3rd item]
• The Backstreet Boys have a new single. Have we fallen through a hole in the space-time continuum? [TMZ]
• Stars get political! Celebs on team Obama: Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, George Clooney, Tyra Banks and Jamie Foxx. Kelsey Grammer is on team Giuliani. [People]
• Lindsay Lohan's rehab facility has Jacuzzis, horseback riding and a helicopter. [Entertainment Tonight]
• I Dream Of Jeannie star Barbara Eden warns, "Drugs are sneaky." Uh, thanks, but who asked you? [Entertainment Tonight]
• Lily Allen's US work visa was taken at a Los Angeles airport. Oh no! Will she be able to make the MTV awards in September? [BBC News]
• Roseanne sex tape? No thanks! [Perez Hilton]
• Jane Seymour owns a manor in Bath, where the parties get so out of control that the local people are taking legal action. Hey, if we owned a manor in Bath, we'd party 24/7. [Daily Mail]