Jezebel 
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New York, 2:13 PM
Sun Nov 22
23 posts in the last 24 hours
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10/24/09
10/22/09
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10/22/09
I feel like I have a few friendships that are still stuck in some of the same patterns (albeit about different things) that we were sometimes in in 7th grade. And I think the passive aggressive behavior only gets worse and more ingrained as we get older. I find myself not even knowing where to begin calling out (friend we'll call "Shelly") because I (not sure why) continue to be shocked time and time again at the way she refuses to accept responsibility for anything she does and never ever seems apologetic.
Also, @slowpoke.r, definitely am in your shoes all the time where I end up apologizing for my own feelings. And then after the failed confrontation I just get so upset, like what is my problem? #rosalindwiseman
10/22/09
I just don’t know how to set the "reset" button. It’s clear she’s not going anywhere for a few years and neither am I. How to you change the way you deal with someone once you’re locked into a pattern? #rosalindwiseman
10/22/09
I ask because at the organisations I've worked at, HR was generally known as rumour central or the hatchet team for restructuring. They seemed okay at helping employees find work counsellors, but not really at helping people deal with power structures. The one or two people I've known who went to them with boss problems didn't feel helped; it was more the HR team smothered the problem and left unspoken grievances between that person and their boss. #rosalindwiseman
10/22/09
10/22/09
On that note, I think it's important to put grievances in writing, e.g. an email. If push comes to shove, you don't want any he said/she said drama. #rosalindwiseman
10/22/09
I got fired shortly thereafter for a series of made-up reasons, but I don't blame the visit to HR for that. That would have happened anyway as I had a Mean Girl for a boss. #rosalindwiseman
10/22/09
10/22/09
I have worked with terrible HR people and with terrific ones: the amount of crap that they deal day in and day out is amazing. #rosalindwiseman
10/22/09
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10/22/09
I like to think I would have been able to call him on it then if I didn't have this horrid head cold, but instead I apologized for my feelings so now I feel completely manipulated in addition to confused and annoyed. Guess I should take him out for a drink and try again...ironic considering that his possible alcoholism is a major part of the problem. #rosalindwiseman
10/22/09
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10/22/09
When I talked with the Assist Manager, I told her truthfully & honestly what had happened, how I screwed up & how I did not plan on doing it ever again.
She could not deal. She started talking bad about me behind my back to some of the other managers about my screw up & basically made it clear that she had expected a lot more groveling & apologizing as opposed to the rational discussion/reasons I laid out for her. I did not/still do not get how owning up to my mistakes & talking about how I plan on not repeating them was not the right answer. #rosalindwiseman
10/22/09
10/22/09
10/22/09
I think the trick is to really clarify what you see as the problem, and what you need cooperation in fixing, and diplomatically try to engage the other person in working for resolution. In other words, describe the issues you see holding you up, and involve the other person in the solution. This is less likely to trigger defensiveness, and gives them some stake in a positive outcome. #rosalindwiseman
10/14/09
10/13/09
How do you deal with it if the bully is your boss? Ultimately I left, but I wonder if there is anyway to handle it and improve the situation in case next time I have a boss like that I actually enjoy the work I'm doing. She was passive aggressive, took credit for my work and gave me all the blame for anything that went wrong even when she had signed off on it. She was also inappropriately friendly and controlling over one of my co-workers, basically making her job dependent on going to events with her outside working hours, inviting herself to this girl's apartment to use her cable, and having her perform tasks outside her job description. Neither of us were ever able to stand up to her and we both quit.
10/13/09
I'm worried that some parents read this and get terrified that their girls will automatically have a horrible time, but that's really not true. It happens some places, but definitely not everywhere.
10/13/09