• DC artist Chris Bishop has created this extremely prescient image of the inauguration in T-shirt form for all your speech-watching needs. [Chris Bishop via Boing Boing]

• Sarah Palin's eldest daughter, Bristol gave birth yesterday: The 7 lb., 4 oz. boy's name is Tripp. [As in Linda? -Ed.] [People]
• The Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies issued its Inaugural Ceremony advisory, which includes details like: it's going to be cold as fuck in DC; security will be tighter than a nipple clamp; lines will be longer than you dreamed possible; and you will wish to God you stayed home and blogged it drunk. That last part's actually mine. [Politico]
• Barack Obama's got an iPod, and the world has gone back to being explicable. [Silicon Valley Insider]
• Republicans mostly continue to pile on Chip "'Barack the Magic Negro' Is Funny" Saltsman because they don't want any more people thinking that all Republicans are racist. [CNN]
• Speaking of racists, former Presidential candidate of crazy Ron Paul wants you all to know that Social Security is a giant Ponzi scheme that if you had just been smart enough to vote for him he would have eliminated. But, since you didn't, Obama is going to regulate things in the name of freedom that won't make you feel any more free and it's actually less coherent than I just wrote it. [U.S. News & World Report]
• Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar thinks the Senate should temporarily swear in Al Franken before permanently doing so in 2010 or whenever the Minnesota Senate race is eventually decided. [The Hill]
• Rahm Emanuel will officially resign his Congressional seat on Friday and there are already 11 people running to replace him. [Chicago Sun Times]
• The Christmas season sucked so bad you should expect to see retail stores shuttering up and bankruptcies filed. [Bloomberg]

MOE: Well, at least we still have The Corner

MEGAN: Aw, too bad SUCKAH. Go drink you bitter juice in your bitter house and cling to your God and your guns and your false idea that this country belongs to you and yours and always has and always will. We won, square and fair despite everything your guys tried to do to keep Americans from voting — and it was the biggest turn out since women got the right to vote.

MOE: What's there to agonize about here?

MEGAN: Four years in a WH, which he's already done, vs. the rest of his life in a House seat, with increasing power. I don't know, I'm a big believer in the legislative branch, I want some big guns in it. Every President tries to increase the power of the Executive at the legislative's expense, and look where it's gotten us. We should also talk about the end of gay marriage in California, the dark cloud on an otherwise sunny day.

MOE: I guess, but this WH, elected by much wider margins than his last, occupied by a much more historically significant holder than that administration, versus 434 other guys, no precarious minority to try and hold on to, etc. etc. So…where do we begin? For some reason I woke up this morning thinking of the moment when he thanked his two sisters by name and then addressed all his other brothers and sisters, and I thought not of that new illegal immigrant guy but the guy running a small business in Shenzhen. I bet that guy had a pretty good party this morning.

MEGAN: I think most people had pretty good parties, from the looks of things. I was actually sort of fascinated last night, flipping channels, Juan Williams, Eugene Robinson and Roland Martin (Fox, MSNBC, and CNN, respectively) were all crying. I mean, these are men who, while not anchors, are literally quite close to the tops of their professions, and yet it took this to make them feel actually accepted, was the sense that I got. It was kind of amazing.

MOE: Seventy four million dollars spent Proposition 8, oy. In a state flirting with default with an awe-inspiring foreclosure rate where 30$ of car purchases in 2007 were financed with home equity, someone has seventy four million dollars to spend on this stupid thing. I'm actually not that sad about it right now. It's a "Yup, still America!" moment. Hundreds of thousands of people in that state voted in the first black president while simultaneously voting to exclude gays from an exponentially more quotidian "institution," an "institution" one associates in much of that state with Vegas. What is the divorce rate in California anyway? Oh god, whatever.

MEGAN: The Institution of Straight Marriage, brought to you by the Knights of Columbus and the Church of Latter Day Saints.

MOE: One of my favorite discoveries in the context of researching Barney Frank was an Orange County former congressman named BIll Dannemeyer who sponsored a bill to expel Barney Frank over his whorescandal.

MEGAN: Please tell me he was a client.

MOE: No no no, he was one of those rare rabid homophobes who just seemed to me to be indiscriminately obsessed with everything he finds to be "outrageous."

MEGAN: You mean "one of those rare rabid homophobes" that isn't self-loathing and obsessed with other men's penii, right?

MOE: Right one of those rare rabid homophobes that isn't a self-hating homo I guess? I called him up; at this point he is a lot less fascinated by gay sex — he did maintain it was an unhealthy lifestyle that had no doubt taken a toll on Barney Frank's rectum — than he is by the Federal Reserve Bank of New York and the Council of Foreign Relations, which control everything.

MEGAN: Angelina Jolie is part of the cabal?

MOE: Look, I should probably not make generalizations about these right-wing people.

MEGAN: Also, isn't Barney a top?

MOE: Well, his whore was a bottom, but that was in 1985. I am not going to speculate, again I am not actually that interested in this topic, and like I said I am pleased to report Bill Dannemeyer has moved on as well.

MEGAN: To blaming the vicious CFR and Federal Reserve cabal.

MOE: Now he is outraged by the myths of Western medicine and agribusiness — he is a vegan pronounced veGANNE — and also the European laws against Holocaust denial.

MEGAN: So, did he vote for Bob Barr or John McCain?

MOE: And Alan Greenspan. He has been advocating a return to the gold standard for some time. IN ANY CASE, I am just telling you that California is an odd place, with a perspective permanently warped by an overabundance of beauty, sun, space, time spent in cars and optimism but nevertheless permanently changing, And I'm pretty sure he wrote in Ron Paul, for whom he had much esteem.

MEGAN: Oh, well, if you had said gold standard I would have known. If you watch enough Fox News, you see a lot of gold commercials, it's pretty humorous, though I doubt a return to the gold standard is what Nicolas Sarkozy meant when he said he wanted us to all rethink Bretton Woods.

MOE: Another happy discovery I made in the course of reporting this was Paul Kanjorski, congressman from Scranton, PA, who held onto his seat in the face of a formidable challenge from the rabidly anti-immigration mayor of Hazelton, PA last night. Kanjorski is a dead ringer for my late grandfather, who also happens to be from Scranton, although my grandfather was Irish and Kanjorski does not strike me as a particularly Irish name, but the point is none of this stuff matters and what really endeared me to the guy was his testimony on the Finance Committee, where his skepticism toward the Federal Reserve Board of Governors will surely make Bill Dannemeyer proud. But hey, this election was about other folks than old white guys.

MEGAN: Hazelton is a weird place that I drive past every time I drive home and have attempted to avoiding stopping in because of said mayor. I don't want to give him the tax revenue. So, congrats Kanjorski!

MOE: I hear Philly was totally awesome last night.

MEGAN: Hell, I heard D.C. was awesome last night, but I was too busy working and then too tired to go check it out.

MOE: Ha, I love this: McCain lost because he pandered insufficiently to the base.

MEGAN: Crazy Michelle Bachmann won, by the way, if you wanted to be bummed by something other than Prop 8 in California.

MOE: OH Jesus Christ SERIOUSLY?

MEGAN: Right, independent voters didn't vote for McCain because he wasn't right wing enough! Keep thinking that, GOP!

MOE: But no, here's my public service to you guys: McCain lost because voters changed their minds. They turn out to have them.

MEGAN: Shhh! Don't help! Let them keep thinking that the way to win independent voters is be more right-wingnutty, more against immigration, meaner, more anti-Muslim, more cutting taxes for the wealthy. Obama will need 2 terms to not be GHWB.

MOE: Also, it looks like that guy's numbers are off. Also bummed about Al Franken losing. But whatever, VIRGINIA. Not since Pocahantas had I really pegged you as a beacon of tolerance and inclusiveness.

MEGAN: I know, I almost feel like I could maybe stop apologetically telling people I'm from upstate New York now despite the fact that I've lived almost my entire adult life here (in Virginia).

MOE: Which brings us to: John McCain. Such a great speech. Such a poignant moment. Such despicable fans. I was blown away! I wonder what he was thinking looking out at all those douchebags. I was also surprised to see all his weird rage toward Obama seem to melt so thoroughly away. "Extraordinarily gracious," yes; wow.

MEGAN: I couldn't believe that either! I was watching here going, well, who the fuck wrote that speech, and, damn, am I glad that he didn't write the other ones. Because that was the 2000-era John McCain that Democrats used to swoon over. And, yeah, those people last night, like, damn. Do you have to have a political operative come out and be like, "Hey, people, the eyes of the world are upon us like they have been for the last few weeks, so could you please try showing everyone that Republicans and McCain supporters are a gracious lot?" Hell, maybe they did.

MOE: What else do we have to say? Lehman Brothers died so hope could live. Thank you Hank Paulson for the random little policy inconsistency that sealed the election. And thank you by extension Dick Fuld for being such a uniquely unsympathetic character that not even Hank Paulson your white megawealthy brother in plutocratic whiteness did not want to help you.

MEGAN: Thanks, GOP, for delivering such bad candidates (Jim Gillmore) and hate-filled campaigns (Elizabeth Dole) that even your own voters rejected your candidates. We couldn't have done it without your hubris and incompetence.

MOE: I cried. I cried the whole way up on the train. I even cried reading Vibe's idiotic "election issue" which also explains the five variables you need to choose a good Cognac, one of them being "region," which is not actually a variable if you have already decided to go drink cognac, but whatever. yes, I cried reading about Will.i.am. Yeah what the fuck, Liddy Dole?

MEGAN: Apparently, it's okay to hit below the belt if you are losing. Did you know it's the first time since the 50s that neither a Bush nor a Dole is serving in elected office? It's true!

MOE: That's insane. See, those names I guess I always equated with a sort of moderate conservatism I guess I should have equated with an entrenched and amoral power it would defend by any means at any costs

MEGAN: I don't think that those things are mutually exclusive. I think moderate conservatism is, in fact, the way to defend entrenched and amoral power.

MOE: My head hurts. Is this over? I think I need to shower. I lost my wallet again last night.

MEGAN: It's lower taxes, higher spending, foreign wars to distract the populace but not really dangerous ones that would shift the balance of power, it's keeping the government out of your lives as long as you're not gay or don't wish to use birth control or have an abortion.

ANA MARIE: Good morning.

MEGAN: Hello! I now have coffee brewing, it smells good enough I almost feel like I don't hate the world.

ANA MARIE: I am discussing hotel reward points with other reporters and eating bacon and fruit. THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

MEGAN: Bacon is always a part of the breakfast of champions, and I have now determined what I shall be eating once we finish. Porky deliciousness, which is really just a way to bring up Ted Stevens, who Palin has decided should resign.

ANA MARIE: FINALLY. Next, Palin will appoint herself as replacement.

MEGAN: You know that's coming.

ANA MARIE: Though I do not mean to suggest that Obama is inevitable!

MEGAN: Somehow, though, I don't see her having a warm relationship with Senator McCain when she gets there.

ANA MARIE: We on the trail have been discussing whether or not she will even invite McCain to Bristol's wedding — since he is, you know, the reason why she has to get married. In a just world, he'd officiate.

MEGAN: But they love each other! They always planned to get married! I'll bet she invited him for the gift because you know he ain't flying to Alaska.

ANA MARIE: I actually don't mean to be cynical about that. I mean, I am, but on the other hand: I thought I'd marry my high school bf, too.

MEGAN: Me too! True story: remember those machines in the mall that print business cards and invitations? We printed a fake wedding invite one time.

ANA MARIE:Who do you think WILL have a warm relationship with Sen. McCain? Mel Martinez?

MEGAN: Lindsay Graham's love for McCain will never, ever die.

ANA MARIE: No. He will die wearing the wedding dress he picked out.

MEGAN: He will have to be buried in it. I mean, you gotta admit, he does look really fabulous in it.

ANA MARIE: Guy behind me: "The first polls close in six days, nine hours, and two minutes."

MEGAN: Ok, Rainman. And where do polls close at 5:30?

ANA MARIE: West Viriginia? Maybe he's lying. Some kind of elaborate voter fraud project.

MEGAN: Maybe I am just better at math? It's slightly less elaborate than printing up flyers complete with logos and shit to pretend that Election Day has been moved. I mean, really?

ANA MARIE: What, it hasn't? Shit. I was looking forward to collecting more Hilton Honors points. Also, someone tell Mickey Mouse.

MEGAN: Dude, if they moved it to this week, I would totally be okay with that. It's Wednesday and I'm too tired to move to get the coffee I can now smell. I'm so bored I spent 5 minutes reading about Kwame Kilpatrick's cell and sexy texts just to not think about the election any more and then the damn reporters snuck it in there at the end anyway. Bastards.

ANA MARIE: I was watching a zombie movie last night and couldn't help wondering which party they'd vote for. This election has infected my brain.

MEGAN: I think the zombies, like al Qaeda, would want McCain to win, if only because, what with his arms, he seems like one of them. Yeah, I went there.

ANA MARIE: It's okay. It's hard not to.

MEGAN: Oh, and it turns out that Ashley Todd is not a McCain plant trying to turn people against Obama, she's a Ron Paul plant pretending to be a McCain plant trying to turn people against Obama to turn people against McCain. Soooo crazy. She's like the Manchurian Candidate and shit.

ANA MARIE: Personally, I think zombies would vote for Ron Paul!

MEGAN: He would be like the Pied Piper for zombies, I would agree. All that yelling, they'd be really distracted. Bonus points: after they voted, Ron Paul's living supporters could then serve as sustenance for the zombies. Bonus, bonus points: Democrats could finally accuse Republicans of mining the cemeteries of this great nation for voters.

ANA MARIE: There's a "Chicago machine politician" joke in there somewhere but I haven't finished my bacon.

MEGAN: I need a bacon butler in the morning. And a coffee steward.

ANA MARIE: So did Cindy McCain.

MEGAN: But why did she need John McCain?

ANA MARIE: I think the proper emphasis is, "Why did SHE need John McCain?" Or maybe, "Why did she NEED John McCain?" Sorry, that's totally the lack of bacon talking.

MEGAN: I am seriously going to have to go cook some damn bacon when we finish this.

ANA MARIE: Should we talk about Nicolle Wallace and her sexy under the bus pose?

MEGAN: Yes, I think we should. I'm glad she decided to tell Fred Barnes he'd better apologize.

ANA MARIE: She didn't really tell him that, she just busted out the whoop ass.

MEGAN: Which, good for her, make him squeal like the bitch he is. Who says women can't play political hardball? Don't fuck with Nicolle Wallace.

ANA MARIE: Usually it's just Bill Bennett that makes him do that. She's the velvet fist in an iron glove or whatever. (Speaking of Bill Bennett.) What I loved about Nicolle? She set her sights on Fred and did not let him out during that entire interview. SHE INVOLVED HER DOG IN THE MESSAGING. She's scarier than Mark Salter. He would just hurt you.

MEGAN: Did Fred Barnes make her puppy cry? That bastard!

ANA MARIE: Nicolle can DESTROY YOU. (From the interview: "We reached Wallace Monday night, enjoying a rare evening at home with her dog, Lily, who also joined the conversation at one point. "That's Lily protecting me from Fred Barnes," Wallace explained.")

MEGAN: Nicolle should figure out who suggested to Freddie Back that it was all her fault and destroy him. Rick Davis seems like enough of a backstabbing little diva to do it.

ANA MARIE: I think she has some ideas. No one in the press corps does tho... Seriously, favorite game right now is "who would be so stupid as to get on Nicolle's bad side?" Okay you have just made the obvious point that I should have. Davis. Totally. Wanted to do go to Saks himself

MEGAN: Also, let us take on short moment to point out that the purchases were all made by Robocaller extraordinaire Jeff Larson.

ANA MARIE: Who hasn't even denied it!

MEGAN: With whom one imagines Wallace doesn't necessarily work that closely.

ANA MARIE: Here's the other thing: Wallace is a Bushie. She knows how to hide illegal expenses. There would be no RNC disclosure of Wallace purchases. I kid, obviously. Though I only say that because I think she knows how to have me killed.

MEGAN: It does seem pretty junior varsity, I agree. And Nicolle is not JV squad.

ANA MARIE: Hold on. I have to get wanded.

MEGAN: Tell him to do it the sexy way.

ANA MARIE: I've been wanded! Wanded is one of the words I'll miss from the campaign. That and "manifest." As in a staffer telling me, "I'll manifest you." It sounds like one simply APPEARS somewhere.

MEGAN: Manifest destiny is all I can think of when you say that.

ANA MARIE: See, I think of manifestations.

MEGAN: I think I have proved once and for all that I paid way too much attention in class.

ANA MARIE: And I pay too much attention to the SciFi channel.

MEGAN: So, shall we briefly discuss the irony of the woman who wants to change the Constitution to give herself more power if she wins accusing her opponent of wanting to change the Constitution?

ANA MARIE: Do you think Palin would recognize the Constitution if she saw it? Like, the text? Maybe the part about guns...

MEGAN: I'm not sure she would recognize it if it walked up to her on the street Schoolhouse Rock style and slapped her for all the shit she's been talking about it behind its back.

ANA MARIE: But then she would shoot it.

• Oh yeah, remember the "pickpocket terrorist" from yesterday? It turns out that she has been arrested 73 times, not 37 times, and she alleges that she lives at the White House. • A new study of Japanese eaters suggest that people who eat quickly until they are full are three times more likely to be overweight. • A female Turkish interior designer is a member of team that is overseeing the construction of the Sakrin Mosque, the first mosque to be designed by women. • A shoe that belonged to Mr. Rogers and was pinched from the Louisiana Children's Museum by Tulane Law School students was returned yesterday. • Fans of Stockholm's AIK team heckled Jan Huokko of the Leksand hockey club when his team played AIK on Tuesday by throwing dildos on the rink, in reference to a sex tape starring Huokko and his girlfriend that was leaked earlier this year.• A new study reveals that 79% of women using hormonal contraceptives have concerns about their birth control method, mostly over issues that might harm the birth control's effectiveness like spontaneous sexual activity and forgetting to take a pill. • Valerie Tripp, the author of more than 50 "American Girl" books, based the popular stories of Kit Kittredge on her mother's experiences during the Great Depression. • The Advisory Committee of Immunization Practices decided today that adult smokers under 65 should get pneumococcal vaccine, a shot that protects against pneumonia, meningitis, and other illnesses. • The FDA announced that surgical mesh is linked to serious complications in women when the mesh is used to hold a patient's pelvic organs in place during procedures to treat incontinence. • A female football kicker for the New Creation Center Crusaders in Georgia helped her team beat the East Atlanta Mustangs, a team that originally opposed playing a female football player because of religious reasons. • A pregnant woman in Tokyo was denied admission to 7 healthcare institutions in Japan for emergency treatment on October 4th; she later died three days after giving birth and undergoing surgery for a brain hemorrhage at a hospital that finally agreed to treat her. • A popular female math teacher at Portland High School in Tennessee has been charged with having sex with three of her male students in a supply closet or off campus. •

• OMG remember Efraim Diveroli, the 22-year-old Andy Samberg lookalike from Miami with the $300 million defense contract to sell ancient Chinese ammunition to the Afghan insurgency via Albania? Apparently the US Ambassador was involved in covering up the scam, probably because Efraim was also Albania's leading supply of whores. [NYT]
• And speaking of…people we haven't thought about in a few months, Ashley Alexandra Dupre updated her MySpace! [People]
• 92% of Americans believe in God or something Godlike that doesn't sound quite as lame. But there are ways to combat this! 10% of people raised without religion describe themselves as atheists, and that likelihood goes even higher if you raise your kids Jewish. [LA Times]
• Rich people are actually less happy because they spend so much time doing the unpleasant things required to become rich, such as laying people off and outsourcing business functions to Bangladesh and actually like "working." [Washington Post]

• It's one thing to hope for another terror attack when you're among friends but when you're a McCain adviser talking to a reporter from a major national magazine you're going to get some shit. [TIME]
• That discount retail chain that brought the world the Sarah Jessica Parker clothing line is badly needs $30 million quick, I know you feel soooo bad for them. [WSJ]
• Why I love this country: when a candidate breaks a promise that was a centerpiece of his early base of support because, after all, all the late-adopters to the cause wouldn't be giving him so much money if they expected him to give it back, we call that bad for the "brand." [ABC News]
• The Economist discusses plans for a 100% Ron Paul supporter-occupied residential community in a story that invited me to wonder what it would be like if there was a 100% Jezebel commenter-occupied compound. Would you guys have a sex shrine like the Mormons? Would SinisterRouge be the first evicted? Would I, like Ron Paul, be afraid to visit? [Economist]
• America might try to open an "interest center" — sort of like an Embassy popup store, or an Embassy Lite — in Tehran, which I think is a good idea as long as they still get to sell alcohol. [Wash Post]
• Morgan Tsvangirai is hiding out at the Dutch Embassy and everyone else involved on the anti-Mugabe side of Zimbabwe's little flirtation with "democracy" got arrested so I guess that's the end of that. [Washington Post]

• In a 5-4 ruling today, the Supreme Court has (again) decided that the prisoners at Gitmo deserve some semblance of the rights afforded everyone else imprisoned in this country, like the right to protest to a judge the fact that they've been held for 6 years without charges. In his dissent, Justice Antonin Scalia defended the right to not afford the detainees any rights because "America is at war with radical Islamists," but I'm sure he came up with some bullshit legal reasoning to discard the Constitution like he always does. Strict constructionalist my ass. [Washington Post]
• In other legal news, the jury is now considering its verdict in the R. Kelly case. [AP]
• In yet further legal news, Tony Rezko claims that federal prosecutors cajoled him to make up allegations against Barack Obama. He says, "I will never fabricate lies about anyone else for selfish purposes. I will take what comes my way, but I will never hurt innocent people." Except, you know, when he bribes officials and commits frauds. [Politico]
• Oh, look, the first food named after Eliot Spitzer: "a gargantuan patty wrapped around braised shortribs (no foie gras, here) and slathered with barbecue sauce". Now if only the Mayflower could, um, swallow their pride and name a drink after him, my life would be complete. [OuttaMindOuttaSite]

• Speaking of assholes, Lou Dobbs may run for governor of New Jersey. I guess his neon coloring would fit in well in Trenton. [Politico]
• Oh, whatever, I'll keep up the asshole theme. Ron Paul's going to officially end his Presidential bid, but won't endorse John McCain and he's going to use his people's money to support other crazy Libertarian candidates. There are so many Republican Naders this year, it warms my bitter little heart. [NY Times]
• Oh, and Nicky Sarkozy's getting a brand new old plane to join the Mile High Club in. [Jaunted]
• Fine, I'll give you some good news. EMILY's List Ellen Malcolm and Madeline Albright gave speeches today at EMILY's annual luncheon and urged people to suck it up and vote Barack. Most people seemingly listened. [HuffPo]

MOE: Okay I cannot tell you how much I read and forgot last night while trying to get to sleep. And then a fucking earthquake came and toppled a thousand cell phone towers and trapped 900 high school students in school and if it's anything like the 1976 earthquake of a slightly lower Richter 240,000 people stand to die.
MOE: Did you also read how in Burma they are counting the survivors because it's easier than counting the dead? I guess the death toll there is supposed to reach 100,000...
MOE: But the Most Emailed story is this thought provoking Tom Friedman column.
MEGAN: That was last week, before the military decided that all the food was for them. So, I think we can safely assume that the total survival rate will be about equal to the members of the junta, the military and their families, since apparently everyone else is just supposed to die quietly and let the soldiers dump their bloated bodies in waterways so no one knows.
MEGAN: Fucking Tom Friedman.
8:55 AM
MOE:

That restriction has angered local government officials like Tin Win who are trying to help rebuild the lives of villagers. He twitched with rage as he described the rice the military gave him.

"They gave us four bags," he said. "The rice is rotten — even the pigs and dogs wouldn't eat it."

He said the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees had delivered good rice to the local military leaders last week but they kept it for themselves and distributed the waterlogged, musty rice. "I'm very angry," he said, adding an expletive to describe the military.

"The government told us that school must reopen June 1, if you have a schoolhouse or not," Myint Oo told his visitor. "'Teach under a tree if you have to,' they said."

When he began describing the devastation to the school and village, a portly man in a white T-shirt who also seemed to hold a position of power interrupted.

"Don't tell these foreigners anything," the man said.

Myint Oo replied that he wanted to talk to the visitors in the hope that they could help rebuild the village.

"They will send the facts to the world and show the weakness of the Myanmar government," said the man in the white shirt.

"This is not just a new generation, but a new kind of generation...In the omphalocentric process of self-construction and discovery," today's youth "stalks love like a wary hunter, but has no time or target — not even the mellowing Communists — for hate."

MEGAN: Maybe he can talk about how he held the Metro system's budget hostage until they agreed to spend more than a million dollars to change all the signage in the system to reflect the full name of National Airport.
MEGAN: But to guarantee his ability to fuck over the Republican Party and my ability to have something interesting to write about, I would totally make my first political donation to him.
MOE: No Peggy is totes the weird answer to Maureen Dowd. Her prose is kind of hilarious, like the way she seems to go inside a dark room and close her eyes and meditate and return with a Very. Melodramatic. Assessment. Of the feelings and attitudes governing the political awareness of the American populace. I should have Maria do a Best Of Peggy I think. And does McCain really need Bob Barr undermining his campaign when he's got RON PAUL undermining it already?
MEGAN: Scroll down, by the way, for the picture of them standing in front of the Eiffel Tower with a Ron Paul sign. Crazy ass motherfuckers.
MOE: Also: didn't two McCain advisers just step down after admitting to representing the Burmese junta? (That might lose Laura Bush's vote.) McCain is kind of a lousy subject right now.
MOE: Here we go.

Doug Davenport, the regional campaign manager for the mid-Atlantic states, founded the DCI Group's lobbying practice and oversaw the contract with Myanmar in 2002.
"Doug has tendered his resignation and we have accepted it," Jill Hazelbaker, McCain's communications director, wrote in a e-mail.
He joins former DCI Group CEO Doug Goodyear, who resigned yesterday from the post of convention CEO after Newsweek reported that DCI was paid more than $300,000 to represent Myanmar's ruling junta.

The Democratic front-runner's wife did not comment on other rival candidates for the party's nomination, but she has been sniping at Clinton since last summer. According to Obama sources, those public utterances do not reveal the extent of her hostility.

A procedural hearing on Fossella's drunken-driving arrest - which ultimately exposed his double life - is slated for a Virginia courtroom Monday.

MEGAN: Ah, that's the brilliant thing! When he got pulled over for running a red light drunk, his excuse was that he was on his way to a friend's house, after which he admitted he was going to see his sick kid.
MEGAN: Only his official kids were in NY with his wife. And, OMG, they've been having an affair since at least 2003? Five years? Dude, what the fuck. Even Kennedy got a divorce.
MOE: Even Prince Charles got a divorce! Dude did we learn anything over the weekend about this minister who officiated the Jenna wedding?
MEGAN: He's an Obama supporter who also does weddings?

MEGAN: Be thankful you don't still live here- it's still sleeting this morning.
MOE: it's sooooooo gross outside
MEGAN: It is here too! I was planning on leaving the house today initially, but I don't think I care to anymore.
MOE: So .... did you vote yesterday?
or no, right? bc you're unaffiliated?
I wonder who my GRANDMA voted for... Obama won our elderly. She can't really see how cute the Obama family is on account of macular degeneration, but if she could she'd think they were very Kennedy-esque.
MEGAN: Well, I know my grandpa didn't vote for Obama in NY, and my dad couldn't. I can't see my mom going for Clinton, but I'll bet my gramma did.
And, no, I didn't vote yesterday.
MOE: My brother and mom both went for Obama, I haven't heard from my dad yet but knowing him he wrote in "Alan Keyes"... and if my sister actually got her ass to the polls in contrast to 2004 she definitely voted for Obama. So yeah, he won my family by huge margins. But here is what kind of fucks with my head a little: exactly why is it that Hillary did so poorly in Virginia, and that was, you know, "expected." I see the Clintons being slightly unpopular inside the Beltway by people who want an end to dynastic rule or whatever, but I'm pretty sure she managed to win DC whites, because she won 24% of the vote there and the population is only like 20% white, right? So that sort of insider ennui is a figment of my imagination/wishful thinking I guess. So I ask again, why did she lose so bad? Why was turnout so fucking huge? This is the state in which I grew up. It is a red state. What's going on?
Oh my god I just went to Drudge go quick and look at the picture in the right column...
MEGAN: Wait, the puppy? Or do you mean the Clinton/Thatcher mash-up? And who the hell has such a hard-on for Margaret Thatcher that he remembers her outfits?
Oh, wait, Drudge. Right.
MOE: THE PUPPY
IT IS WINKING
IT IS WINKING AT THE AUDIENCE
MEGAN: That motherfucking dog is so damn cute. They've been running video of his win on CNN all morning.
MOE: I just turned on CNN.
I've been overdosing on it lately.
So it seems like the Clinton spin is that Obama's huge margins came from a Potomac region swept away by the momentum because, you know, they've actually been paying attention.
MEGAN: Anyway, on Obama, CNN exit polls, 22 percent of people voting in Virginia's Dem primary identified at independent and they went 2/3s for Obama. But, they're not trusting their own polling numbers on Republicans, which say that 3 percent of Democratic primary voters identified as Republicans and they all went for Obama.
MOE: Well that was my little brother's theory — and it explains why Huckabee did pretty well.
MEGAN: I thought it was kind of crappy last night, actually, that she couldn't find 2 seconds in her 30 minute speech in El Paso to congratulate Obama, especially when Obama got to Wisconsin and made his crowd cheer for McCain's hero-ness.
I think Huckabee did really well in the places in Virginia the rest of us are scared to go.
And, unofficial results would seem to prove my completely bigoted view correct.
MOE: Ooooh, and speaking of bigoted views, Ed Rendell just took credit for garnering Pennsylvania's racist vote in his gubernatorial campaign. I just bolded that for some variety.
Did you just watch that skateboarding video on CNN?
It was disturbing.
MEGAN: I did, they have been replaying that shit every 15 minutes all morning. I felt like I was back home listening to it.
But, where I grew up, nothing would've happened to the cop.
MOE: He was such a dick.
I mean, on a level that was totally preposterous and that they totally loved. But at least now we know why Ron Paul is so beloved by the high school boy contingent.
MEGAN: I smell bacon!
MOE: Until they knock up their girlfriends that is.
MEGAN: That does tend to change the conservative male psyche, and not in the "I'm always going to use condoms forever and ever amen" kind of way.
MOE: Here's something funny: Huckabee won 17% of DC's Republicans. I would really like to know who those 17% were...
MEGAN: I don't think those people would be safe if other people knew who they were. On the other hand, I heard total turnout for the Republican primary in DC was 4,000, so that's only like 700 people. Is there a megachurch in DC? Do that many McLean Bible Church attendees live in the District?
MOE: SEVEN HUNDRED WHOLE HUCKABEE VOTERS?
One of the VA commenters blamed the Latins actually. She was at her polling place and overheard some women talking about how they were voting for "el christiano."
MEGAN: Shout out to JD Regent! I saw that! It made me wonder... who do they think the other candidates worship? Other than power and their own egos, of course.
MOE: SRSLY. That said I discovered the other day that Huckabee's Fair Tax is actually advocated by an economic adviser to Mike Gravel and some Naderites are trying to get the left to embrace it. I would say DC probably has more aggressively counterintuitive Naderite IRS abolisher types than it does typical Bible gut Jesus freak types.
MEGAN: Oh, Jesus, I have commented on the Flat/Fair Tax people before but let me do so again: they've all got The Crazy. Also, their Fair Tax plans make it easier to cheat on your taxes and aren't progressive, but whatever, I'm sure that's not totally why they want to do it.
But, you've right, there are at least 700 of them in DC.
MOE: Whoa Robert Gates slipped on ice. I just did that. And foreclosures are up! I'm sorta glad I turned on CNN but it's making me kinda ADD
MEGAN: Look at how the blue set shines off of Ali Velschi's chrome dome.
It's very Max Headroom'y
MOE: Wow Detroit's foreclosure rate is as bad as Stockton, California's. Detroit actually convinced people to buy its real estate? Man, I'm sorry Motown. You get it all kinds of rough..
OH yeah should we mention Roger Clemens? I have nothing to say about Roger Clemens bc didn't know who he is.
MEGAN: Well, it's good to know that I can turn the TV off at 10:00 when wall-to-wall coverage of his hearing starts.
He's a hopped-up-on-roids baseball player who, unlike the rest of 'em, got caught.
MOE: Hey, speaking of performance enhancing drugs I haven't taken mine this morning and I'm really dying but what I really meant to talk to you about was.
Who McCain will ask to be his running mate
MEGAN: I love, btw, how Pawlenty is all "NOT ME! NOT ME!"
Toomey's full of shit and just naming his friends.
And, um, his major donors, BTW
MOE: You know, they talk about presidential names but it's kinda sad if your name isn't even VICE presidential sounding. Bobby Jindal? Tim Tawplenty? Anyway, for people like me who didn't know who any of these people are, Mark Sanford and Tim Pawlenty and Bobby Jindal are governors (duh) of South Carolina, Minnesota and Louisiana respectively.
MEGAN: I've been hearing Kay Bailey's name and Liddy Dole, but they're generally recognized as, um, not great brain trusts. I don't see them getting along wiht McCain that well.
(Senators from Texas and South Carolina).
Bobby Jindal would be a good choice- he got the good old boys in Louisiana to vote for him, but he'd be stupid to take it.
I'm still curious why no one has said Rick Perry.
(Governor of Texas).
MOE: Can you rank these people from most/least offensive?
MEGAN: Define "offensive"
They're all likely to be more conservative than McCain
MOE: Really?
MEGAN: I guess maybe Charlie Crist would be the least offensive, but he's dogged by those pesky gay rumors and won't get it.
Here's a right wing run-down of who they want to see.

MOE: Good morning, Beltwayista! Today is the Potomac Primary. And while this would under normal circumstances it would be kind of hard to write about yeetttttt anooother set of "news analysis" pieces saying "If she loses tonight Hillary has to win in Ohio and Texas and add three more states to the union and at win at least two our of three them, too to counter Barack's momentum" or "If Obama wins tonight it's actually still meaningless" the Washington Post did us all a favor today by running this work if pure genius, which is to say, the pure genius of dumbasses on the street.
MEGAN: I love dumbassery! Washington is not filled with smart people!
MOE: Oh, I found it to be an uplifting, half-informed sort of dumbassery. But maybe because the closest we got in New York was this piece on how the Democratic primary had split the (retarded) (pointless) (It shames me to say I not only know who these people are but have been to their really bad parties) DJ duo the Misshapes.
Read that and tell me you don't feel better about the man on the street wisdom in DC.
In New York, you are actually expected to know who those people are.
MEGAN: Please, this is my favorite quote of the day: "Yes, a lot of our cheerleaders are very, very into Hillary. We talk a lot about it in government class. They are over the top about it. They are like 'Hillary! Hillary! Hillary!'" What can the Misshapes have on that?
MOE: No, you're right, it was actually very smart and counterintuitive of DJ Leigh Lezark to predict that if Hillary wins, "Bill Clinton will also somehow be in the mix."
MEGAN: Gosh, you think? Aren't they, like, totally married or something?
MOE: I'm so glad that she gets to vote, but not the Langley high school cheerleaders.
MEGAN: No! The one who said this can: ""[Ron Paul]'s anti-government. People our age hate the cops mostly.""
MOE: Ha ha, but that's the cute part about the DC residents. They all know the cockamamie weirdos. Like how that girl doesn't want to vote because she feels like she hasn't informed herself enough and then goes and brings up Alan Keyes.
Also, what about the black McCain supporter at the Omni hotel who goes by the name of "St. Paul"??? I kept looking for a first name...nah, it's just "St. Paul."
MEGAN: Or the whole Gravel discussion in which they've all seen his trippy commercial but pronounce it "not, like, that good."
MOE: "It's a close-up on his face, and he's not doing anything for literally a minute." Nick Marinakis is talking about those bizarre Mike Gravel videos on YouTube. "Then he goes and picks up a big rock, and throws it in a lake." He's talking to his friend, Ben Waldin. The two are standing outside of Waldin's K Street NW apartment building and waiting for Super Tuesday guests to arrive. It's a little after 9 p.m.; a few friends are already upstairs drinking beer and watching the primary vote tallies and the unfolding duel between Clinton and Obama.
MEGAN: I mean, is it sad that primary watching is a major social event here?
MOE: Dude, when was the last time there were SO MANY AWESOME EXCUSES to drink on Tuesday? Not since 1968 or whatever unless you're into World Cup. And it is Super Tuesday. But another thing I like about this story is that it seems like they're all discussions Post reporters actually overheard, because otherwise they just would have sent them out one night to gather it all up. I can definitely assure you that even if I left my house the chances of me overhearing a conversation about Mike Gravel's Youtube videos would be .... like winning the Powerball. I don't even really understand the conversations I overhear here though bc they all seem to concern bands I don't know. Or maybe they're parties I don't know? Not political parties, but like parties at bars that have special brand names. ANYWAY. I suppose we should move on. Readers, if you want a fun time this morning, read about the couple at the Parcel Plus in Reston. Moving on...
Insurance companies are evil!
Blue Cross is asking for help from doctors to screen out patients with pre-existing conditions. Sometimes they manage to hide them, those sneaky little malevolent seekers of health care!
MEGAN: Goddamn doctors! Seeking to protect patient confidentiality? What can they be thinking! It's much more important to determine whether or not I mistakenly forgot to add in that I occasionally take medications for acne so that when I get skin cancer they can rescind my coverage!
(Yes, i disclosed that on my BCBS health insurance application last fall, worried about that exact consequence).
Also, it's like not a single person at the headquarters of a health insurance company that does fucking boneheaded shit like this has watched or read the news, paid attention to a Presidential debate, listened to a person they cover or done anything to remove their heads from their asses this election year when people seem strangely concerned with the 47 million Americans who lack health insurance.
I mean, fuck? If they'd done it in 2009...
MOE: What I love is that Blue Cross is STILL TECHNICALLY A NONPROFIT.
All Blue Crosses are, they just happen to have a few thousand for-profit subsidiaries.
MEGAN: Well, the company is a nonprofit. Its executives are, you know, not.
MOE: I mean, it's interesting what's happened to health insurance. It's an industry in which a lot of the giants were formed in the Great Depression to meet social needs as opposed to shareholders' desires and at this point their paperwork is so voluminous, their formulas are so complicated, their negotiating teams and brokers are so well-trained and well-remunerated it's hard not to say: hey look! The free market, it failed here. It created the same thing as a bureaucracy, but more costly and less efficient. It's more complicated than that, of course; the worst bureaucracies, the most inefficient systems, are the ones that like insurance that sort of hybridize private sector practices and public sector duties. In Philadelphia, where one particularly big branch of Blue Cross insured about 60% of the region, insurance was one of the few areas in which it was still possible to get kinda rich. The insurance company was all part of the local political machine.
9:33 AM MEGAN: I think it's completely true that the health insurance system is the biggest market failure of this decade. I mean, how is it not cheaper to cover birth control than pay for pregnancy, but many companies do just that. But the lack of vision among all the (current) candidates on how to fix it other than just turning over to them more money and providing them, maybe, with more regulation (which has been really successful thus far) is just depressing.
MOE: Well, one of the issues I take with Michael Moore is that you really can't go vilifying the insurance industry without taking a good look at the fucking pharmaceutical industry. The biggest tragedy to me is that health care is arguably the sector in America staffed with the highest ratio of bright minds: greed. Your average surgeon, your average microbiologist, your average DNA researcher or drug discoverer or pediatrician — none of those guys get into it for the money. And they're the indispensable ones here. I guess it's as much as the problem as it is the solution. Ugh... it makes my head spin though.
Should we talk about something more uplifting?
MEGAN: Sure!
MOE: Like pimping? It's hard out here for a...whatev.
MEGAN: I just look at that whole thing and roll my eyes. Which makes my head hurt. Does Hillary playing the Mom card work with voters? Had anybody heard of David Schuster before this? Is Schuster young enough to use that kind of played-out slang? Did Chelsea care?
MOE: Do you care if Chelsea cares? I don't care. Oh, did you hear her voice on the news last night? I just remembered that. She sounded really soft, and tired. She said her mom was way more fiscally responsible than her dad, which was funny because it sounded true, even though her mom has a lot more things to potentially spend money on. But as for whether she's being "pimped out" or whether that is some grave offense to say so, I vote NO. That is all.
MEGAN: I'll vote for that, too.

MOE: Okay there is OMG TOO MUCH TO DISCUSS TODAY.
For starters So there's no link for this yet but apparently Iran is declaring some sort of naval war on us.
MEGAN: Iran has a Navy?
MOE: Apparently! Do you think they are just jealous about the Economist naming PAKISTAN the most dangerous place on earth?
MEGAN: Well, look what being the only Axis of Evil country we didn't yet threaten to attack has done to Kim Jong Il...
MOE: Seriously it kind of seems from the news reports like a harmless little prank. Apparently some Iranians told some US navymen over the radios something along the lines of "We're going to blow you up ha ha ha insha Allah."
MEGAN: So, it's sort of like the MiGs in Top Gun?
MOE: Only with virgins! Um so like I was thinking about Pakistan. And who is fucking dumber in this regard? Musharraf for blaming Bhutto for her own death on '60 Minutes'? Or fucking PARADE magazine for running with that "I'm what terrorists fear most" cover?
MEGAN: Well, allowing him to blame her for her own death was sort of the obvious purpose of saying that she died from hitting her head on the sunroof lever while in a moving vehicle. So, I find that not at all surprising.
I mean, he didn't want to have to provide for her security, and didn't, and then bang-bang-bang KABOOM! and she's dead and he doesn't want to look at all at fault going into the elections.
Also, I think any stupidity contest in which PARADE is an entry, PARADE wins.
MOE: Oh yeah. I mean, and he has a point; they tried to assassinate her before! He warned her! Why did she go into that dangerous nasty neighborhood where all the assassins rome free? But did you watch 60 Minutes? There was something really funny about the way Lara Logan so soothingly was all "Prime minister, it seems like she was annoying you. Was Bhutto annoying you?" Lara Logan would be great at phone sex.
MEGAN: Well, I guess we call him Uncle Pervy for a reason?
Did she stroke his hair while she said it?
MOE: He doesn't have a bad head of hair.
Um so how is New Hampshire? I see Ron Paul is being discriminated against.
MEGAN: Assuming it's all his.
Well, Jim's in New Hampshire while I remain resplendent in the DC Metro area where it is, oh, about 50 degrees right now.
I hear it is cold. And The New Hampshire GOP dropped out of co-sponsoring the Fox debate because Fox said screw Ron Paul.
We're hoping he'll have his own debate of one on the Internet, because that would be awesome.
MOE: Oh man, CNN just replayed the clip. That Lara Logan is so so so pretty! Anyhow! So did you watch the debates on Saturday? Because I read at least seven newspaper recaps that described Hillary's performance as "scrappy" but I didn't actually see it myself. I think because there was a good Top Model rerun on?
MEGAN: I did, but I might have drunk my way through them.
What does scrappy mean, anyway?
Besides that it's a condescending way to say that she stood up for herself but not quite like a man would?
MOE: Oh, I dunno, I feel like I heard McCain and scrappy in the same sentence many a time before he got too old for it. Speaking of which, you stay classy Matt Drudge!
MEGAN: Whoa.
Seriously, does Wayne Brady have to choke a bitch again?
MOE: See, I think it's pretty obvious Drudge just fears the "post partisan" atmosphere represented by candidates like Obama. Did you read? It's the supposed fear of the Republican party right now. So he's gotta rankle us femilady contingents for Hillary.
MEGAN: Yeah, I did read that. I went, whuh? But it was pretty early.
MOE: Oooh, new poll numbers.
Hey, also, Romney won the Wyoming caucus or something?
MEGAN: Also, I love that POLITICIANS of all stripes are like "words aren't actions."
MOE: HOW DID WE MISS THE WYOMING CAUCUS?
MEGAN: Can I make a pot calling the kettle black joke?
MOE: AND SPEAKING OF WYOMING
MEGAN: We missed Wyoming because no one cares? Including the candidates?
MOE: Um, George McGovern called for PRESIDENT CHENEY to be impeached. And somehow this is the most-viewed story on the Washington Post website?
MEGAN: We love us some hot impeachment action?
MOE: (Speaking of which, you need to launch an investigation as to why that weird Pentagon layoffs story from a month ago is still in the most-viewed list. Can't the DOD just block the WaPo with its firewall?)
MEGAN: Also, for fuck's sake, people. There's a war on. Do you not remember 1998? It takes months and months and Congress doesn't do anything else AND THERE IS A WAR ON. IMPEACHMENT DOES NOT END THE WAR.
MOE: Um there's also a campaign on! like who cares right? Oh my god tell me you skimmed this so I don't have to.
Problems with newfangled voting machines are the subject of a 978-page New York Times Magazine profile
MEGAN: I did not, because I have a life and also I drank a bottle of wine last night and watched reruns of Iron Chef America because that is more interesting.
Because Diebold conspiracy theories are the new 9/11 conspiracy theories are the new JFK conspiracy theories and yawn.
MOE: Also, the Times magazine had yet another defense of Mormonism. At least I think it's a defense. It starts out saying it is irrational to think Christianity is not as weird as Mormonism just because the "revelations" happened post-Enlightenment. I really do not understand the rationale of calling that irrational.
MEGAN: I think that all religious beliefs sound kind of weird when you think about them rationally.
You know, God says kill your son, floods the world, rains fire, Jesus comes back to life, immaculate conception, etc. It sounds all teh Crazy.
MOE: But isn't it easier to be like, this is crazy because it was written when people thought the world was flat and that pigs were possessed by the devil which is why they were so fat so don't eat em guys!
Of course it's crazy, right?
MEGAN: Well, but in 1850 we thought things that sound crazy now.
Like, um, all brown people are lesser than white people?
MOE: No, we didn't all think that.
MEGAN: Oh, wait, that's a part of Mormonism, my bad.
MOE: haha.
NO actually i just read this Mormon guide to racism that explained that LDS actually thinks that black people are superior beings to white people.
But they can't be priests because they come from the wrong line of ancesotrs
Something like that; it's too stupid, Romney is kind of a goner anyway.
Right?
MEGAN: Yeah, he does seem like a goner. He is, pardon if I'm repeating myself, Al Gore in 2000, losing his home state (because NH is practically MA).

MOE: OMG THANK GOD YOU'RE BACK HUGE DAY HUGE DAY. How's your car? And happy new year
MEGAN: happy new year! and, it's not in great shape
i barely passed the inspection i was supposed to have had done last month and, given that cops drive my my place constantly, i didn't want a ticket for a lapsed inspection on top of everything else
MOE: Oh my god srsly. This one time when I lived in LA I was driving around and got, like, arrested for having a missed inspection. Or not arrested but they insisted on towing my car. Whatever. CARS. I hear those come in handy in places like IOWA.
MEGAN: almost as useful as tractors!
MOE: We have like nineteen minutes but annoying michael moore non-endorsement of anyone out. He likes Hillary but she refused to be interviewed by him for Rolling Stone so he doesn't like her. He likes Kucinich but Kucinich is endorsing Obama. He doesn't like Obama because he "doesn't think Wall Street is such a bad place" although that's sort of unsourced. He likes Edwards because he fell hook line and sinker for that fucking "corporate greed" line, which is admittedly a good line, but corporate greed is directly responsible for why John Edwards has made so much $$$$ suing corporations that he can now lavish buying votes in Iowa which he has been doing for the past four years.
MEGAN: At least he's not endorsing Ron Paul?
Also, Hillary Clinton is the love of Michael Moore's life? Way to beat the charges that you traffic in hyperbole, Michael
MOE: Ugh the statement bothered me so much. For one thing, insurance companies are really nowhere near as evil as pharmaceutical companies, they're just an easier target.
And seriously, corporations are not inherently greedy but, ehhhhh, that's another story I guess. Did you read To Be Young And In Love With Ron Paul??? I skimmed.
MEGAN: It doesn't surprise me that they smell bad?
Wait, I'm still skimming? They can't drink, toke or fuck? They're really just high on life?

MOE: Yeah they're total losers now I understand why you hate them in other news what REALLY SERIOUSLY REALLY FUCKING BOTHERS ME about Michael Moore, back to Michael Moore — who I love, by the way — but this statement:

Sen. Obama has a big heart, and that heart is in the right place. Is he electable? Will more than 50% of America vote for him? We'd like to believe they would. We'd like to believe America has changed, wouldn't we?

"A black candidate doesn't want to look like he's only a black candidate," the Rev. Al Sharpton, the civil rights activist, who ran for president in 2004, said in an interview about Mr. Obama. "If he overidentifies with Sharpton, he looks like he's only a black candidate. A white candidate reaches out to a Sharpton and looks like they have the ability to reach out. It looks like they're presidential. That's the dichotomy."

11 minutes
MOE: I forgot about Tawana. That just made me think of Tawana Iverson. That was her name right? Allen's wife. And her weird fruity cousin who made up all this shit about how he was a wifebeater. And how the Philly cops bought it hook, line and sinker. Because Iverson was an ungrateful thug who didn't go to practice. And yeah they were racist, but not irredeemably racist. A lot of black folks thought Iverson was a nogood thugpunk whatever too. And I dunno, I personally think Iverson just had some demons; he was a really interesting wiry little dude who would have been happier playing in the days of Magic Johnson and Larry Bird, back when basketball was a true team sport, with honor etc. etc., before the nine-figure sneaker contract he got bc little kids identified w. his realness and little kids had no way to really understand that buying a hundred dollar pair of sneakers is the ultimate way to express one's realness. I'm going off the rails now, but I think the thing that Barack Obama understands that Michael Moore does not is that no one is irredeemably racist. Or greedy. Even corporations. We are all at some level complicit in the system that got us here and the failure is of government to provide an adequate balance to all of it. There is no ENEMY.
MEGAN: The enemy is us? Yeah, that seems about right.
MOE: I mean, if I learned anything from The Devil Wears Prada it's that not even Anna Wintour is the enemy.
MEGAN: Because she brought turquoise back? I'm cool with that. I look nice in blue.
MOE: Ooooh, that reminds me, on New Years I made a frantic shopping trip to Urban Outfitters and I bought a dress with COLORS. I don't really wear colors. But it was on sale.
MEGAN: How very un-New York of you. Virginia must've rubbed off on you.
MOE: I know, right? And I saw my friend Susie last night, who used to be the Beijing correspondent at TIME and is now taking time off to, like, go to SCHOOL and learn new things and shit. And I remembered that living in a society where everyone wears the same fucking thing in the same drab colors... I mean, I might be okay with that, but most people get really bored by socialism.
MEGAN: Socialism, and winter.

John McCain: The Arizona senator screams Politician 101, with his blue shirt with a red and blue striped tie. The quintessential white guy running for office uniform.

Rudy Giuliani: Rudy's red tie also says he's a white guy running for office. It's also a visual clue that he's a Republican for any of those other Republicans worried that all that crazy NYC liberalism might've rubbed-off on him during that unfortunate mayoral stint. Also, red tie = Christian white dude.

Mitt Romney: Funny, but the former governor of Massachusetts is also a... white Christian dude. But he's a Mormon, mind you, and distinguishes this by going with slightly-alt politician blue as opposed to slightly-conservative red. But it's still one of the two go-to politician tie colors, so we can rest assured that he still doesn't want us to have an abortion.

Sam Brownback: Whoa, Brownback almost threw us for a loop there. The senator from Kansas' tie is neither red nor blue! Thank goodness he's Christian and white or else that green-hued tie might have misled us to believe he's one of those wacky, God-hating, Negro environmentalists!

Tommy Thompson: White shirt, red tie, angry hands: The former governor of Wisconsin is also definitely (just want to hammer this home one more time!) a Christian white dude running for the Republican nomination. The suit and tie alone, we know, just say plain ol' politician, but the angry hands screaming about why we have to rid out country of the evils of gay marriage (you know, as opposed to dependence on foreign oil) totes says "I [Heart] The GOP" even more than an "I [Heart] The GOP" t-shirt would.

Mike Huckabee: The former governor of Arkansas also sports classic blue — but in a subtle pattern! We'd worry that 'pattern' might equate 'Democrat' (if not also, possibly, 'homo' — the gays like patterns, don't they?), but, thankfully, he's a guy who hates Darwin. Sleep safely tonight, Republicans — this man's no fashion fag.

Tom Tancredo: Also known as poor man's Giuliani, the representative from Colorado whose last name (tread lightly, friend, tread lightly) also belies an ethnic heritage is wearing (yawn) a white shirt with (yawn) a red tie and (yawn) a dark suit.

Jim Gilmore: He's the former governor of Virginia. White shirt. Red tie. Dark suit. Christian. White. Male. Gilmore bores us, and we'd like to stop trying to think of something that sets him apart from his fellow candidates (he's even sporting the Republican angry hands, damnit!), but we just can't and would rather go back to watching the Kathy Griffin marathon we TiVo'd. (No, you people don't want to watch with us. Kathy likes gays and hates the war.)

Duncan Hunter: Duncan, Duncan, Duncan; What's with that ambiguously dark tie? If this guy wasn't a [insert obviousness here], that whole "I'm from California" thing + the die would totally yield some major Republican mud-slinging. But whatever, almost no one's ever heard of him anyway.

Ron Paul: Uh, oh, Ron's wearing blue. And he's got some sorta funny pin on his jacket. This can't be helping his fellow Republicans' suspicions that he's actually...a Communist spy. Thank god he didn't wear pink!