Of course, roasts are intended as a parade of the foulest, most offensive, base jokes. And while the ones about Joan could understandably be interpreted as misogynist - and wholly unoriginal - apparently everybody's appearances/genitals were fair game. (Tom Arnold got grief for being fat, Brad Garrett for looking like Frankenstein, and Carl Reiner for having old, saggy balls.) Besides, Joan was laughing the whole time. (Or at least, the minimal movement in her face seemed to imply so.)

My favorite part, though, was when Joan went after Gilbert Gottfried for having the longest set. I love that she made fun of him for not having his eyes open.

• Chris Brown's lawyers are arguing that Rihanna shouldn't have to testify in court because her name and other information was leaked. They say she shouldn't be forced to compromise her privacy any further. [TMZ]

• A friend of Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer says, "They're definitely broken up, but it was completely amicable. I know everyone is looking for the big juicy fight, but there was none." That's never stopped the tabloids before! [E!]
• California Attorney General Jerry Brown says three people were part of the conspiracy to feed Anna Nicole Smith's addiction, but Howard K. Stern was the "principal enabler." He says Stern was "the one that brought the drugs in many cases to Anna Nicole Smith." He added, "this was done knowingly and this was done with tragic consequences." [People]
• A source claims that Britney Spears is not dating Jason Trawick. "They are absolutely, 100 percent not dating," says the source. "He is her agent, and that is it." [Us]
• In this video Hugh Jackman speaks Japanese and flails about on a Japanese game show. Then a dude grabs his crotch. [ONTD]
• Nadya Suleman hasn't moved into her new house yet, but it's already been TP'd. [TMZ]
• Kylie Minougue is bringing her Spanish model boyfriend Andres Velencoso home to Australia to meet her parents. [News.com.au]
• Leighton Meester is the frontrunner to star in Beastly, a modern retelling of Beauty and the Beast. [E!]
• Garry Marshall contacted Robin Williams' people following his aortic valve replacement surgery earlier this month. He says of Williams' condition, "I hear very good reports." [People]
• In this video Larry Flynt makes the bold claim that he's slept with more women than Hugh Hefner. [TMZ]
• Elizabeth Taylor's granddaughter Naomi Wilding and her husband are expecting a baby, which will be Taylor's fifth great-grandchild. Taylor's friend says the news has given her a new purpose. "To Elizabeth life is all about friends and family and she's terribly excited about meeting the new baby due fairly soon," he says. [The Daily Express]
• Pete Doherty almost quit his band Babyshambles because a fan gave him a wedgie while he was crowd surfing. Pete says: "I hid in the tour bus crying. When they (my bandmates) found me I was crying my eyes out, going, 'The band's not working out. We should split up.' Nobody believed what was wrong, and eventually I snapped, 'All right, I got a wedgie, OK?'" [The Daily Express]
• The New York Times has posted pictures of things Judd Apatow has in his office. The writer was shocked to not see "a single bong, beer keg or passed-out partygoer." [NY Times]
• Here's the trailer for Jennifer Aniston's new movie Management. It starts with her telling a guy he can touch her butt and goes downhill from there. [Video Gum]
• Penelope Cruz is in talks to star in Venuto al Mondo, which is directed by Sergio Castellitto, the Italian director who gave her her first break in Don't Move. [Variety]
• Chris Cornell is responding to Trent Reznor insulting him on Twitter, writing back, "What do you think Jesus would twitter. ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone' or ‘Has anyone seen Judas? He was here a minute ago.' " [Rolling Stone]
• Jessica Simpson is speaking out about Rihanna and Chris Brown. She said at a concert in Phoenix last night: "No matter what you go through in life, no matter what abuse you go through, take your heart and run so far away." [E!]
• Tom Jones said his wife of 52 years told him she's OK with women throwing their panties at him "as long as you come home to me, as long as you don't go running off with somebody." [Yahoo]
• Marley Shelton, who stars on the CBS series Eleventh Hour is expecting her first child with her husband. [People]
• Marko Jaric, the basketball star who just married supermodel Adriana Lima, is under investigation for sexually assaulting a woman in Philadelphia. [TMZ]
• In this video Ricky Gervais makes fun of celebrities who say they have depression or who promote themselves by talking about their addictions. [The Independent]
• Katherine Heigl's character Dr. Izzie Stevens revealed she's dying of cancer on last night's Grey's Anatomy. One of her interns on the show estimated she has a 5% survival rate, and coincidentally Heigl has a 5% chance of staying on the show. [Us]
• Jaime Kennedy has confirmed that he's dating Jennifer Love Hewitt. [RyanSeacrest.com]
• The Pixies will play their first live performance in four years at the Isle of Wight music festival this summer. [Reuters]
• Korn bassist Fieldy has released a book, Got the Life: My Journey of Addiction, Faith, Recovery and Korn which includes letters he wrote to each band member apologizing for his past bad behavior. [Yahoo]
• Hundreds of fans showed up to see Shane MacGowan of the Pogues play at a bar in Scotland, but the bar said the show was cancelled at the last minute. But MacGowan's reps say he was never booked to play there in the first place. [The Daily Express]
• Olympic gold medalist Shawn Johnson says of being on Dancing With the Stars, "It's scary. The waltz was a challenge because of having to be romantic and stuff but now the salsa is even harder. I've never shaken my hips before. It's hard to let myself go." [People]
• Matthew Broderick is preparing to do the Broadway play The Philanthropist and says he's glad it's only running until July. "I used to do long runs, but after six months it's a struggle. You're repeating yourself... you go on autopilot and nobody pays attention to what they're saying anymore. You screw up, then everybody wakes up for the next two weeks," says Broderick. "A Broadway show's exhausting in its relentlessness. No more normal dinner hour. You disappear from friends. I'm starting to get set for it." [The Daily Express]
• Roseanne Barr is blogging about Chris Brown and Rihanna. She says: "Rihanna is violent too and that is one of the reasons why she is back with chris brown. She thinks she has him right where she wants him now. His career is over, and he is working her to help him get it back. She thinks that since he needs her and has shown some contrition, that she can call the shots now. Violent people are control freaks, and she thinks she is in control right now. Violent couples also have passionate make up sex, and that keeps a lot of battered and beaten women hooked ..." [Roseanne World]
• Carol Burnett is a wedding crasher! Friday Night Lights actor Zach Gilford is co-starring with her in a new movie. He says: "Carol Burnett's just so goofy and funny, telling these anecdotes about crashing weddings! Because no one would question her, they'd be like, "Oh, that's Carol Burnett! That's so exciting that Carol Burnett is here." Then they'd get a free drink, and take pictures. Then just leave. She did it for year or something, she and her friend, a few years back. She'd be like, "Oh, you know, I'm a friend of a distant aunt on the husband's side." Hilarious. It got to the point where a photographer friend of hers would come and take pictures of the wedding just to make it seem more official. She's just such a goof who loves to do things because it's fun and ridiculous." [Jossip]

• Madonna is "begging" Gwyneth Paltrow to move back to New York so they can hang out and do yoga or whatever. Gwynnie lives in London with hubby Chris Martin, son Moses and daughter Apple. Will her Madgesty get what she wants? [The Sun]
• We reported this before and it may actually happen: Madonna is orchestrating a Britney-Justin reunion! Brit and JT will be on stage with Madge tonight when her Sticky & Sweet tour stops at Dodger Stadium. People are going to freak the fuck out. [Yahoo News]
• Brad Pitt and Oprah were both at the Obama victory rally in Grant Park, Chicago, but they missed one another "I was looking for you and would have invited you down to sit with the rest of us," Oprah told Brad. "You mean the non-VIP area?" Brad joked. He assured her that he took public transportation to be at the rally "just like everyone else." [Star]

• Beyoncé is giddy about Obama's win: "Whatever they want - if they need me to volunteer, they need me to sing, I'm there, and I'm ready. I'm just beyond excited." She was supposed to be in Japan on election night but postponed her trip: "I said, 'What am I doing? I'm completely making a bad decision. I have to go home, I'm gonna kill myself if I'm not home in America.'" Plus, she wept while watching the results come in: "I fell asleep crying and smiling at the same time. I woke up with mascara running and a smile on my face!" [AP]
• Mariah Carey heard that Michelle Obama played Mariah's song Hero for Barack before the election results were announced; she is "honored." [Mirror]
• Now that the Obamas are headed to the White House, Leslie Gray Streeter has written an open letter to Lorne Michaels of Saturday Night Live, saying: "you have to hire a black woman as a permanent cast member. Like, yesterday." [Palm Beach Post]
• Diddy partied with Q-Tip and Mark Ronson on election night. [Vanity Fair]
• There's video of Martha Stewart being ambushed on the street by Fox5 reporter Arnold Diaz, since a Martha-branded glass patio table from Kmart tends to "explode and shatter" and has been found "defective and dangerous." Martha says, "Oh that's old news," and blames the Chinese manufacturers Kmart uses. She claims she hasn't heard of any reported injuries, but the Diaz totally interviews a little girl who got cut! [CityFile]
• Kim Cattrall was asked if there will be a Sex And The City sequel, and She replied, "Yes, there will." Pardon me whilst I groan. [The Sun]
• Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson: Splitsville. He may have been controlling and emotionally abusive. [Star Magazine]
• Blake Fielder-Civil is no longer Blake Incarcerated! He was released yesterday and said: "I’m gonna see my wife and take her knickers down." But! Blake had to go directly to a rehab clinic, so Amy can't see him for seven days. Sigh. [The Sun]
• Here's video of Amy being harassed by photographers and fighting back, which this paper calls a "rampage." [The Sun]
• A beacon of Hope for Amy Winehouse: "Quincy Jones has taken her under his wing and put her back on the wagon. The two are collaborating on one or two projects and if anyone can save a talent like Amy, then it is Q." [Daily Express]
• Robin Williams is dating a 27-year-old painter named Charlotte Filbert, who happens to be staying with Ally Hilfiger. Small world. [Page Six]
• Padma Lakshmi is on the prowl, and she seems to want a billionaire. [Page Six]
• Who is Minnie Driver's baby daddy? Could he be a TV writer? [Page Six]
• Ashton Kutcher was seen partying with Wilmer Valderrama in West Hollywood. The '70s are back! [Yahoo News]
• Julianne Hough had surgery for endometriosis five days ago, and says she's "feeling phenomenal. I am still walking slow but I’m feeling good." [People]
• Samuel L. Jackson says it's strange to promote his new film, Soul Men, without Bernie Mac. "It's even weirder that he never saw the movie." [USA Today]
• Susan Lucci is out on Dancing With The Stars. [AP]
• What the hell is a "bacon buttie" or a "bacon sarnie"? And why does Daniel Craig love them so?! [Mirror]
• So you know how Harry Potter and Hermione Granger never hooked up? J.K. Rowling says it "could have gone that way" because Hermione "shared something very instense with Harry" but they're not meant to be together. Harry's true soulmate is Ginny, obvs. [Perez Hilton]
• For her fragrance campaign, Paris Hilton says, "I didn't have to lose weight, but I just wanted to look really good. I started doing Pliates." [Daily Express]
• Nick Hogan hasn't visited his friend, John Graziano, who's been in a coma since Nick's August 2007 car crash, because John's family won't let him into the hospital. [TMZ]
• Mos Def allegedly attacked a photographer in Vegas, back in August, and now a warrant has been issued for his arrest. [TMZ]
• Jamie Pressly and her fiancé "still love each other" but are no longer a couple. They're the parents of an 18-month-old son. [UPI, E!]
• Bruce Springsteen auctioned off a Harley, a guitar and a leather jacket for Stand Up For Heroes, a charity that raises money for injured troops returning from the Iraq war. [Fox 411]
• Lisa Rinna on getting cosmetic procedures: "You have to be careful. I'm a perfect example of that!" [ET]
• Michael J. Fox will appear in four episodes of Rescue Me early next year, and he'll play a paralyzed man in a wheelchair. "The funny part is me playing a paralyzed guy because I am the opposite of paralyzed. It's tricky just to even be still," he says. [Reuters]
• ABC has pulled the plug on Aylssa Milano's sitcom, Single With Parents. The show was to be a midseason replacement; creative differences tore it apart. Related: Who's the boss? [Yahoo News]
• Danny Bonaduce's divorce is final and he has to pay his ex-wife $16,000 a month. Dude's not giving up on marriage, though: He's shopping a TV show called The Next Mrs. Bonaduce. [AP]
• Rare film footage of the Beatles in Kansas City sold for $6,600 at an auction on Tuesday. It's a silent film, btw. [Reuters]
• This was in Midweek Madness, but here it is again: Carnie Wilson is pregnant. [People]
• Emily Deschanel has written a "10 Things You Don't Know About Women" column for Esquire. Number 6: "When a guy sends us a text, we analyze everything, down to the punctuation. 'Did he really use an umlaut? He must be smart!'" [Esquire]
• Even though he can't vote, Daniel Radcliffe went to the polls on election day, just to see what it was like. [Daily Express]
• An episode of Hannah Montana, in which a teen gets diagnosed with diabetes, won't air as planned. They're trying to consult with medical experts now and ensure the story is told properly. Something was done out of order, no? [UPI]
• Here's a picture of Pete Wentz, as a baby, being held by Joe Biden! [Perez Hilton]
• Do not click this NSFW link unless you want to see the guys from Jackass naked. Penises, people. You've been warned. [Perez Hilton]
• Jodie Foster on the woman she dumped after 14 years: "She's fine. She'll be very well taken care of." [E!]
• Great Scot! James McAvoy will be honored by his former drama school; he'll receive a Fellowship from the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama (RSAMD) in Glasgow next month. [The Star]
• Country star Merle Haggard has a malignant tumor on his lung; he went to surgery on Mondayy and should be recovering as we speak. [Perez Hilton]
• Patrick Dempsey addressed the firing of Dr. Hahn on The Ellen DeGeneres Show yesterday by pulling a note "from ABC" from his pocket and reading: "'We've had a great time working with her and that the conclusion of her [role] has been orgasmic'—I'm sorry, I'm dyslexic—'organic ending to the storyline.'" [E!]
• Patrick Dempsey also says: "Thursday night is her last show, which is too bad, she has been a great character, and I don't know what happened with that story line. They decided not to continue it for some reason." [ET, People]
• Antonia Kidman, aka Nicole's sister, had an advice column in New Idea magazine, but she's left because it's "not going in the direction that she wants to be going." [News.com.au]
• "I live in a mobile home and I love it! It's small but chic and perfect for me and the kids [Brandon, 12 and Dylan, 10] It's fun having to sit on beanbags and do our washing at the laundrette." — Pamela Anderson. [The Sun]
• "After Barack Obama's victory I think we might have reached the moment for a coloured 007. I think the role could easily be played by a black actor, because the character created by Ian Fleming in the Fifties has undergone a great deal of evolution and continues to be updated." — Daniel Craig. [Telegraph]
• "I am far from being an expert. I’m not that musical. I don’t really know how a record is produced, and, funnily enough, I don’t want to. I listen from a punter’s perspective, as somebody who would buy a track. I base it on gut instinct. Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. Many times I disagree with producers and artists, and we listen to each other. It’s not about proving a point or being a loudmouth, I just want the record to be as good as it can be." — Simon Cowell. [Telegraph]
• "I'm so excited [about turning 16]. I always ask my mom, 'Can I drive your car in the parking lot?' And she’s like, 'No.' I want a BMW truck!" — Ali Lohan. [MSNBC]
• "Here's the best secret weapon I can give you: Hold off on having sex. Give him a little taste, but not too much… Keep him drooling. [When intimacy finally happens], get crazy! Fuck like a porno star!" — Tila Tequila. [Page Six]