Jezebel 
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New York, 8:12 PM
Thu Nov 26
42 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/09/09
Because it's not that bad I guess if you don't get hit in the face. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
I am shocked by how much her honesty and openness has meant to me, as I am not a celebrity worshipper at all. It's a strange feeling, and I am not really sure what to make of it. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
I haven't been abused by a bf, but had a one time incident with my dad as my parents were getting divorced where he picked me up, slammed me against a wall & was choking me... at 13 yrs old, 100 lbs vs. 250.
I know it's not the same as being abused by a bf, but being hurt by someone you love - whom ever that may be is heartbreaking. You are supposed to be able to trust those you love & the realization that you can't - it's not healthy - is devastating... you can just see it in her. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
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11/09/09
11/09/09
Okay Chris, a) it never was private. Not only are the two of you famous, but I'm sure the entire LAPD, not to mention anyone at the hospital, knew what happened. She had to give her statement to numerous people, as did you I imagine. So on the surface, in the most basic definition, it never was private. Beyond that, b) you want us to believe that you've matured, learned your lesson? Own the fuck up to what you did. Don't hide it, don't try to make it go away. Flippant apologies don't work. Admit what you did. Hiding it only adds to the stigma, making it worse. Isn't one of the steps to recovery atonement?
It's amazing how one simple statement could ignite so much anger in me. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
Note to Chris Brown: When you assault someone, the police get involved and it becomes a public matter. Breaking the law sucks like that.
One way to avoid it: don't assault anyone. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
I completely understand your anger and I'm continuously amazed at how nonchalant he insists on being with half-assed apologies and excuses. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
I'm not satisfied with Diane saying "the night Rihanna was hit by her boyfriend", that completely minimizes what she went through. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
Also, I think grammar counts here...I hate the use of passive voice when talking about domestic violence.
"Chris Brown attacked Rihanna" is more accurate, both grammatically and truthfully than "Rihanna was hit by her boyfriend." #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
1. The statement the survivor made was specifically about abuse leading up to physical, Diane. You can be abused before being battered.
2. What the hell is up with punching in the face as the standard for abuse? Well he shoved her into a wall, but it's not like he punched her in the face! This is an arbitrary and quite shockingly high standard for violence; it's unhelpful; it's apologist; stop it.
3. Quit mealymouthing. Seriously. Chris Brown does not need another defender minimizing his actions in the media, he's doing that all by himself.
xoxo, yvanehtnioj #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
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11/09/09
So many women I know say 'I would never let a man hit me, I'd get out first', and I always think, 'I don't know, I've never been in that situation', and I'm not about to make the assumption that it would never happen to me. Too many of my smart, strong friends have been hit, I don't think that any of us are immune. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
11/09/09
While I applaud the distinction you make that you don't "let" it happen. But isn't your next sentence just a continuation of causing the victim to be ashamed of her situation? (I'm really asking this, not saying it to be snarky!) What do you think? #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
11/09/09
11/09/09
Women are different. I can know that I would leave without shaming women that are continual abuse victims. It's a function of different personalities, support systems, awareness, etc. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
99 percent of me thinks I'd never end up in an abusive relationship because no abuser would ever consider me an easy target. But I've seen enough smart, strong women get beaten down emotionally and physically, 1 percent of me knows it can't be that easy.
11/09/09
Abuse tends to start much later in the relationship, or after marriage. As much as people say it would never happen to them, or never happen to them twice, the stakes are usually high when it starts. #rihannaeffect
11/09/09
11/09/09
It's really, really easy to think "Oh, that would never happen to me, the signs are so obvious, how could she let it get that bad?" And reading this thread and watching the clip just made me start crying at my kitchen table. The thing is, I am one of those smart, strong women that ended up in an abusive relationship. It's not like he whacks you upside the head one time and then your best friends have some dramatic intervention and help you gather up your stuff and the group of you drive off into the sunset and out of his life forever, and you are suddenly free, with no lasting effects, and no fear. You wake up one morning and realize that you have no idea who you are and that you have no control over your own body and your own life. My ex never explicitly hit me - his abuse took the form of systematic date rape because my sex drive wasn't high enough to "meet his needs", but still. I'm not an idiot, and I'm not a weak-willed person, but love and relationships are weird. I thought he loved me, and I thought that I loved him, and that would somehow just make it all okay, until this one day when he looked me in the eye and told me that no one would ever care about me as much as he did, and that he didn't want me spending time with my guy friends any more. It was so textbook and so ridiculous that I knew I had to get out of there. And it hasn't just gone away, and I'm still not completely okay.
Sorry to just vomit this out, but I think this is a cathartic experience for a lot of women, and I think that it's really important that we tell our stories. #rihannaeffect
11/06/09
According to court records and other sources, Rihanna struck Brown in the face "numerous times" before Brown assaulted her. NCFM purports although that would not justify his more severe assault, her violence should not be ignored, and if she does not "woman up" to it then her message will be the usual one-sided double standards that leave female perpetration covered up.
The saying, "There is no excuse for domestic violence," applies to both sexes. Female violence in relationships is not rare but is often hypocritically deemed acceptable or humorous, such as in the film, Sideways. It is part of the cycle of domestic violence, which cannot be stopped without addressing the problem honestly. Children are damaged just by witnessing domestic violence, regardless of its severity. A 32-nation study by the University of New Hampshire found women are as violent and as controlling as men in relationships worldwide #rihannainterview
11/06/09
I wish Rihanna well and I hope she's on her way to having a great life. #rihannainterview
11/06/09
To be clear, I think Chris Brown is a piece of horseshit who has yet to take full responsibility and I loathe the fact that the public might use this interview to absolve him. Moreover, i've never been hit by a lover before so I am aware of the fact that I lack a visceral understanding about her experience in that sense. But what I have experienced before is being in love with someone I considered my best friend, and being in a relationship with them in a place and a time when I felt like I had no one else, no one else who "got" me, no one else who knew what I was going through, no one else who I could fundamentally relate to. That creates a dependency that makes you love a person without reason I think, because you not only find love in them, you create home in them. You make them your safe place.
It's a dependency that doesn't end when the relationship ends. Instead it creates a cognitive dissonance where after the breakup you have to make them a good person who did bad things as opposed to a bad person who you were tricked into believing was good or a bad person with good moments, because at the time when your relationship with them ends you feel like you have not only lost a lover you have lost something akin to a family member. And no one wants to admit that there are bad genes in their family. No one wants to admit that they loved someone so dark and so damaged. Because, their secret fear is, then it hints at or suggests some possible damage or deep sense of worthlessness in they themselves. It's a deeper thing, I think, than even the feeling of embarrassment she mentions. What she is dealing with a deep sense of shame that someone she consistently considered the foremost person in her life thought little enough of her overall, and so little of her in that moment, that he was willing to hurt her so badly.
When someone is your "best friend" in your mind--not just your boyfriend, or your lover but your best friend-- it's almost like you revert back to class one (first grade) honor codes. You find a way to take some responsibility for the person's actions because you think of yourselves as a unit. You proclaim your allegiance to them publicly. You don't pick someone else at the swings. Most importantly, you protect them from "bullies" or "enemies". You don't let anyone be mean to them. You've done it for so long that it's almost instinctive. Speaking badly about them publicly feels like tattle-taling. And no one wants to be a tattletale on their friend.
She is struggling so hard with that part of the loyalty code you can see the strain on her face. Add to it the other loyalty code: the historical tenet of "black people don't wash their dirty laundry in front of white people" thing, that black women don't rat out black men, that black women stand by their people and don't embarass the race in front of white folks, that no one likes snitches etc etc etc .... and you can see that the girl is doing the best she can. I am surprised she is even able to do this much considering the kind of emotional stuff she is up against. #rihannainterview
11/07/09
11/06/09
Even though he was my first love and it was very intense... I didn't love him after that and I didn't wish him well. I didn't with him ill either, I just wished him FAR AWAY FROM ME AND MY LIFE FOREVER. #rihannainterview
11/06/09
11/06/09
Not to say that either is a bad clip -- I think yesterday's clip was important for people to see that she does realize the impact of her decisions and she has grown incredibly since then -- but today, I really felt where she was coming from for the first time. I can't even imagine how it would be to find your best friend, your boyfriend attacking you like that. I think she conducted herself very well in this interview and was very honest, and I'm glad that even though she still cares for him she isn't running back to him.
Even if he puts out some desperate songs that are clearly about wanting to be with her (ugh I can't stand listening to him!). #rihannainterview
11/06/09
11/06/09
I just finished reading "The Gift of Fear" and he talks quite a bit about violence against women, the cycle of abuse, and how difficult some people find it to truly look underneath the facade that's presented to the public by violent people. #rihannainterview
11/06/09
11/06/09