Everyone at This Hooters Is Terrible and I Will Die in My Hotel: Tales From Tampa

We've got a long history, Florida and I. Our paths keep crossing as if the fate of America's pregnant cabana accident capitol and I are somehow cosmically intertwined, and so naturally, when I found out that the Republican National Convention was being held in Florida this year, I knew I had to go. And that's how I…
Apparently Someone Died and Made Rick Santorum Pope
Did you know that when Rick Santorum lost the Republican primary this spring, he became Pope of America? It's a little known clause in the Constitution that allows any crazy person who runs for President and wins at least one primary to declare themselves King of something as a consolation prize. Rick Santorum has…
Doddering Republican Billionaire Announces that Women Are World's Third Most Beautiful Creatures
Foster Friess just can't stop saying stupid shit. Earlier this year, the big Santorum backer told a horrified Andrea Mitchell that back in his day, women didn't need birth control pills because "the gals" kept an aspirin between their knees (in other news, Foster Friess has never had sex with a woman while her legs…
Don't Bother Trying to Wife Your Way Out of Poverty
The Bush administration, those geniuses who brought us great ideas like a long, expensive war against a country that didn't have weapons of mass destruction and flying over Hurricane Katrina en route home from a vacay, had another Brains Turned Up to 11 idea that it now seems didn't work: a multimillion dollar federal…
Rick Santorum Declares Self President of His Own Wet Blanket Club
On Monday, ex Presidential candidate Rick Santorum tantalized his Twitter followers with news that soon, he be making a "big announcement." What could it possibly be? Was Rick gay? Pregnant? About to inform America that his entire political career has been part of the most elaborate dissertation on how extremists can…
'Pro Family' Conservative States Aren't Doing Squat to Make Life Easier for Families
Conservative Americans demand their politicians spout sepia pleasantries about how America needs to experience a resurrection of "traditional family values." But when it comes down to setting policy, the US's most conservative states are actually the most hostile to the families to whom they so adamantly pay lip…
Tuesday Night Drinking Game: Rick Santorum on The Tonight Show Edition
Ex Presidential candidate, ex Senator, and current gay sex-obsessed homophobe Rick Santorum will be appearing on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno tonight, which means he'll be on your local NBC affiliate in all his grimacing glory right around the time that North Carolinians will learn whether or not they've…
The Dictator Says 'Mitchell Romney' Could Make a Great Dictator
Sacha Baron Cohen's new trolling project The Dictator is about to hit theaters, and the British comedian is in full in-character promo mode. During a press conference yesterday, a reporter asked him who he'd support in the US Presidential elections, and "General Shabazz Aladeen" responded that he'd put his money on…
Rick Santorum Endorses Mitt Romney via Middle of the Night Whisper
Usually major political endorsements are given at some kind big campaign event, preferably with the entire lamestream media watching and lots of hand-shaking going on, but Rick Santorum opted for something a bit more low-key this evening when giving his much-anticipated endorsement of Mittens Romney. He issued a…
Ashley Judd and Friends Teach Rick Santorum a Lesson About Aborting His Campaign
Sure, Rick Santorum did some serious thinking before ending his ill-fated presidential candidacy, but did he really think hard enough about aborting such a vital force for change? Just in case, Ashley Judd, Michelle Trachtenberg, Katy Mixon, and Eliza Coupe have made this enlightening video for Funny or Die that walks…
Rick Santorum's Campaign Was So Unbelievably Bad
After several months of fruitless fighting and terrifying campaigning, America's gentle, besweatered hatemonger Rick Santorum has announced he's aborting his bid for President. It seems the best way to deal with the Santorum campaign in death is the way we dealt with it in life: like it was all one terrible, drawn-out…
Rick Santorum Drops Out of Presidential Race [Updated]
A number of news outlets are reporting via Twitter that Rick Santorum has dropped out of the presidential race. Santorum was supposed to return to the campaign trail today, after his three-year-old daughter was released from the hospital last night, where she was being treated for a developmental condition — but we…
Homophobia Even Gayer Than You Thought
You've long suspected this, and now, here comes your old friend Science to back you up: homophobic people tend to be the way they are because they've got a little bit of The Gay themselves and were raised by authoritarian parents, according to a series of new studies. And outwardly directed anti-gay hate is often…
Are You Prepared to Face the Worst Fuck, Marry, Kill of All Time?
Fuck, Marry, Kill — the thought experiment that's a staple of school buses from coast to coast — can be a game of joyful possibility. But, with a few tweaks, the game can quickly turn from a fun romp through a mental photo album of shirtless Idris Elbas and Liam Hemsworths into a nightmarish trip through a land of…
When the Going Gets Tough, Mitt Romney Wins Delegates and Rick Santorum Goes Bowling
Well, as expected, the Romneytron 3000 secured a few more primary victories tonight. Mitt won in Maryland, the District of Columbia, and in the great state of Wisconsin. For his part, Rick Santorum didn't win jack, but he did manage to get a hell of a lot of bowling in while trying. During his campaign in Wisconsin…
Rick Santorum Gravely Warns Against Dangers of Pink Bowling Ball
At a campaign event in a Wisconsin bowling alley yesterday, projected GOP nomination silver medalist Rick Santorum told a boy that he shouldn't use a pink bowling ball on camera, telling him that "friends don't let friends use pink balls." Bowling with the pink ball, presumably, is an affront to Rick Santorum's rigid…
