You know how gonorrhea has always been, like, the chillest STI ever? All, "Hey, man! It's me, gonorrhea! Listen, I'm going to be hanging around your junk for a few weeks, but I'll keep it quiet—no loud parties!—and then when things start to get weird, just pop some antibiots and I'm out, brah!" Gonorrhea knows when to…

In the wee small hours of the morning, you no doubt find yourself wondering what happened to the motley cast of characters from the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary. Have they gone off to star in their own unsuccessful spin-offs or are they smoking meth with a vagrant named Dingo in a paddle boat drifting down the…

Earlier today, a clear majority of Senate GOP voted to block a treaty to ratify the U.N. Convention on the Rights of People with Disabilities. They did so in front of Bob Dole, the former Senate Majority Leader from Kansas, who arrived in his wheelchair on the Senate floor to support the treaty. BTW, the alternate…

Well, well, well, America. You're so much less awful than I thought. With horror stories of suppression and fuckery being whispered from Ohio to Florida, many nervous Obama voters braced for the worst yesterday, only to be rewarded with what basically amounts to the election equivalent of the pony they thought Santa…

Joyless ideologue Rick Santorum has written a hilarious book about the true meaning of FREEDOM and AMERICA and WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS REALLY MEANT when they said FREEDOM and AMERICA. And in true Rick Santorum fashion, he's got some harsh words for all you fatties out there who like lame shit like "happiness" and "fun."…

Frothy lunatic politician Rick Santorum has been serving as a sort of reluctant surrogate for his formal rival Mittens Romney since he finally conceded the Republican Presidential nomination earlier this year. But that doesn't mean he's gotten any less terrible, or delightfully insane. The latest gem from the mouth of…

In a rare moment of reach-across-the-aisle candor, human fartstack Rick Santorum conveyed to the Values Voters Summit something polite people had been thinking but hesitated to say in public: Values Voters are dum-dums. Really.

We've got a long history, Florida and I. Our paths keep crossing as if the fate of America's pregnant cabana accident capitol and I are somehow cosmically intertwined, and so naturally, when I found out that the Republican National Convention was being held in Florida this year, I knew I had to go. And that's how I…

Did you know that when Rick Santorum lost the Republican primary this spring, he became Pope of America? It's a little known clause in the Constitution that allows any crazy person who runs for President and wins at least one primary to declare themselves King of something as a consolation prize. Rick Santorum has…

Foster Friess just can't stop saying stupid shit. Earlier this year, the big Santorum backer told a horrified Andrea Mitchell that back in his day, women didn't need birth control pills because "the gals" kept an aspirin between their knees (in other news, Foster Friess has never had sex with a woman while her legs were…