Rick Santorum Uses Mandela's Death To Compare Obamacare to Apartheid

Rick Santorum threw in his two cents on Nelson Mandela's life and works yesterday when he told Bill O'Reilly that just as Mandela fought apartheid, so too does Rick Santorum fight Obamacare. Hoo boy. No. No, Rick Santorum. Obamacare is not like apartheid. That is not how analogies work. Not liking a thing doesn't mean… » 12/06/13 1:20pm 12/06/13 1:20pm

Abortion Ruins the Communal Shower Experience, Says Rick Santorum

Like an irritatingly tenacious but not particularly cool or tough Batman villain (Penguin), greasy uterine crusader Rick Santorum refuses to accept defeat. Normally, I'd recommend ignoring everything the man says on account of the fact that he's ridiculous/irrelevant, but every once in awhile, there's a spike in his… » 8/07/13 5:40pm 8/07/13 5:40pm

Drug-Resistant Super-Gonorrhea Laughs in the Face of Antibiotics

You know how gonorrhea has always been, like, the chillest STI ever? All, "Hey, man! It's me, gonorrhea! Listen, I'm going to be hanging around your junk for a few weeks, but I'll keep it quiet—no loud parties!—and then when things start to get weird, just pop some antibiots and I'm out, brah!" Gonorrhea knows when to… » 2/15/13 7:30pm 2/15/13 7:30pm

College Grad Rick Santorum Insists That Colleges ‘Indoctrinate’…

In the wee small hours of the morning, you no doubt find yourself wondering what happened to the motley cast of characters from the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary. Have they gone off to star in their own unsuccessful spin-offs or are they smoking meth with a vagrant named Dingo in a paddle boat drifting down the… » 1/20/13 2:00pm 1/20/13 2:00pm

GOP Senators Ensure Spots in Hell by Voting Down Rights of People with…

Earlier today, a clear majority of Senate GOP voted to block a treaty to ratify the U.N. Convention on the Rights of People with Disabilities. They did so in front of Bob Dole, the former Senate Majority Leader from Kansas, who arrived in his wheelchair on the Senate floor to support the treaty. BTW, the alternate… » 12/04/12 11:15pm 12/04/12 11:15pm

Rick Santorum Sometimes Kills Things He Loves, Says Rick Santorum

Frothy lunatic politician Rick Santorum has been serving as a sort of reluctant surrogate for his formal rival Mittens Romney since he finally conceded the Republican Presidential nomination earlier this year. But that doesn't mean he's gotten any less terrible, or delightfully insane. The latest gem from the mouth of… » 10/05/12 1:00pm 10/05/12 1:00pm

Everyone at This Hooters Is Terrible and I Will Die in My Hotel: Tales…

We've got a long history, Florida and I. Our paths keep crossing as if the fate of America's pregnant cabana accident capitol and I are somehow cosmically intertwined, and so naturally, when I found out that the Republican National Convention was being held in Florida this year, I knew I had to go. And that's how I… » 8/29/12 5:10pm 8/29/12 5:10pm

Apparently Someone Died and Made Rick Santorum Pope

Did you know that when Rick Santorum lost the Republican primary this spring, he became Pope of America? It's a little known clause in the Constitution that allows any crazy person who runs for President and wins at least one primary to declare themselves King of something as a consolation prize. Rick Santorum has… » 8/16/12 6:40pm 8/16/12 6:40pm

Doddering Republican Billionaire Announces that Women Are World's Third…

Foster Friess just can't stop saying stupid shit. Earlier this year, the big Santorum backer told a horrified Andrea Mitchell that back in his day, women didn't need birth control pills because "the gals" kept an aspirin between their knees (in other news, Foster Friess has never had sex with a woman while her legs… » 8/03/12 1:45pm 8/03/12 1:45pm

Don't Bother Trying to Wife Your Way Out of Poverty

The Bush administration, those geniuses who brought us great ideas like a long, expensive war against a country that didn't have weapons of mass destruction and flying over Hurricane Katrina en route home from a vacay, had another Brains Turned Up to 11 idea that it now seems didn't work: a multimillion dollar federal… » 6/25/12 11:30am 6/25/12 11:30am

Rick Santorum Declares Self President of His Own Wet Blanket Club

On Monday, ex Presidential candidate Rick Santorum tantalized his Twitter followers with news that soon, he be making a "big announcement." What could it possibly be? Was Rick gay? Pregnant? About to inform America that his entire political career has been part of the most elaborate dissertation on how extremists can… » 6/08/12 1:00pm 6/08/12 1:00pm

'Pro Family' Conservative States Aren't Doing Squat to Make Life Easier…

Conservative Americans demand their politicians spout sepia pleasantries about how America needs to experience a resurrection of "traditional family values." But when it comes down to setting policy, the US's most conservative states are actually the most hostile to the families to whom they so adamantly pay lip… » 5/14/12 1:40pm 5/14/12 1:40pm

Tuesday Night Drinking Game: Rick Santorum on The Tonight Show Edition

Ex Presidential candidate, ex Senator, and current gay sex-obsessed homophobe Rick Santorum will be appearing on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno tonight, which means he'll be on your local NBC affiliate in all his grimacing glory right around the time that North Carolinians will learn whether or not they've… » 5/08/12 5:00pm 5/08/12 5:00pm

The Dictator Says 'Mitchell Romney' Could Make a Great Dictator

Sacha Baron Cohen's new trolling project The Dictator is about to hit theaters, and the British comedian is in full in-character promo mode. During a press conference yesterday, a reporter asked him who he'd support in the US Presidential elections, and "General Shabazz Aladeen" responded that he'd put his money on… » 5/08/12 3:10pm 5/08/12 3:10pm

Rick Santorum Endorses Mitt Romney via Middle of the Night Whisper

Usually major political endorsements are given at some kind big campaign event, preferably with the entire lamestream media watching and lots of hand-shaking going on, but Rick Santorum opted for something a bit more low-key this evening when giving his much-anticipated endorsement of Mittens Romney. He issued a… » 5/07/12 11:55pm 5/07/12 11:55pm

Maggie Gyllenhaal Gives Birth to Brooklyn's Newest Celebrity Baby

This month is drawing to a close, and yet another celebrity has given birth before Jessica Simpson. This time it's Maggie Gyllenhaal who, along with hubby Peter Sarsgaard, has welcomed a brand new baby girl. She was born on April 19th, but they've only just gotten around to telling the world. » 4/30/12 8:00pm 4/30/12 8:00pm