“Take over the world, world domination...rich, powerful, that sort of stuff,” said 18-year-old Ted Cruz, when asked what he wanted to do with his life.

After hanging back for a while and weighing the other presidential candidates, deeply considering their perspectives and who would be right for this country, Barbara Bush has decided to endorse her son Jeb! Bush for President of the United States in a new Jeb! campaign video.

It’s very puzzling that after all this time tango-ing with insanity, Sarah Palin’s garbled thoughts and feelings still matter to literally anyone. But here we are!

During a Saturday speech in Iowa, Marco Rubio warned the crowd of the impending doom of ISIS, suggesting that everyone might want to gun to protect themselves from the Islamic State.

During Thursday evening’s Republican debate, Ted Cruz doubled-down on his condemnation of Play-Doh factory explosion Donald Trump’s so-called “New York values.” Babe, just say what you mean: Jewish, black, gay values.

Jezebel readers likely know Saba Ahmed as the woman who threw Olympic-level shade on Fox News when she wore an American flag hijab. She is also the 30-year-old founder and president of the Republican Muslim Coalition, and she has as much patience for GOP fuckery as anyone I’ve encountered.

Heroin use has exploded across the American northeast, and, according to Governor Paul LePage of Maine, men with names like “D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty” are to blame.

In an interview with New Hampshire Public Radio Thursday morning, GOP presidential candidate and former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina was asked if she would ever take responsibility for HP’s well-documented struggles. Fiorina responded with a strong counter-pitch: Haha, what struggles?

Earlier today, Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley will deliver the Republican rebuttal to this year’s State of the Union address. During the announcement Ryan and McConnell commended Haley’s tenure as governor, pointing to her economic record.

“That’s a long conversation” was Ben Carson’s response to a person who challenged the GOP’s slumbering marsupial candidate on whether being gay is a choice.

The thing about Jeb! is that his tragic, whingeing presidential campaign has caused us to partially forget what a horrible human being he actually is. Lately, we have started to regard him much in the same way we would regard a man in a Nickelback t-shirt crying softly behind us in line at Subway—he’s a bummer, in a…

A group of four men recently introduced a bill into the New Hampshire State House of Representatives that would make it a misdemeanor for exclusively women to show their nipples.

Have you ever looked at Texas Senator and Republican presidential candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz and thought, “Huh, I wonder what’s going on with him, sexually?”

Matt Bevin—a far, far-right Tea Partier and political novice who loves cockfighting, voting against the Violence Against Women Act, and uninsured constituents—is now, because no one fucking voted, the governor of Kentucky. Things are not going great!

I can’t believe it’s Ted Cruz’s 45th birthday already! I feel like it was just yesterday that he was a lonely future dictator at Princeton.

On Tuesday, aspiring politician Carly Fiorina criticized Iowa radio host Steve Deace for saying that she had gone “full vagina” in the most recent Republican debate. Fiorina was so appalled, however, that she couldn’t even bring herself to say the word. Vagina. She couldn’t say it. Why?

Sure, we all love Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin impressions, but come on, weren’t you hoping that one day the tables would turn? No?

NPR published an interview Monday morning with President Obama, wherein Steve Inskeep delicately asked about the “anxieties” that some American voters have about him. That led to an interesting discussion about support for leading candidate Donald Trump, a bowl of chili overturned into a gas station toilet.

After several months of polling at one percent on a good day, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham announced Monday morning he’s dropping out of the Republican primary race. In related news, Lindsey Graham was, until this morning, still in the Republican primary race.

Jeb Bush, the saddest sack of a man to ever run for public office, seems very relieved that he won’t ever be the President. In an interview with CBS’s Face the Nation, the other Bush said that not being the frontrunner made him feel “much better.”