I come back from the bathroom, and she’s leafing through my Quran.

There’s an idea that parallel universes exist simultaneously, and every possible outcome of every event in history is happening within them. If this is right, then somewhere in time and space, Dez Bryant made that catch, baby Donald Trump died of SIDS, 9/11 wasn’t an inside job and Rougned Odor still punched the shit…

I never thought I would be one to question my personal level of devotion to my friends, particularly those of the girl variety. I am a champion of all the best female empowerment mantras, known to shout “uteruses before duderuses” or “Venus before penis” at the emotional peak of any and all femininity-fueled moments,…

I looked into my girlfriend’s eyes as I reached out to gently touch her face. In that moment, I felt something. A rush of warmth from my head to my toes. Comfort. Contentment. It should be noted that my girlfriend was, at the time, a floating ball robot.

Texting/sexting, direct messages, Twitter, Instagram DMs and online dating aren’t enough when it comes to getting to know a person. What a healthy relationship really needs is a lot less... how do you say... talking. If the human race is to survive, there needs to be a severe reduction in our level of interaction with…

For some reason, no one has told Iggy Azalea that you’re allowed to break up with your cheating fiancé because instead, the Australian “rapper” is running around making not particularly funny jokes about cutting off his penis.

Dating apps come in generations. In their current incarnation, they comprise a collection of mobile apps in which a user decides if a potential partner’s face is good or if it is bad, and then swipes the face to the left (the toilet) or right (your crotch, hopefully).

Shortly after I got engaged a coworker told me a story about a friend of his. Or maybe it was a friend of a friend, or a cousin, or an allegory. Point is, there was this lady and she was marrying a man with the same last name as hers. While it’s somewhat common and even encouraged in other cultures, the story was a…

Nobody likes complaining, but is it really that bad? Complaining feels cathartic. Complaining gives us something to talk about. Ninety percent of Seinfeld was just listening to four characters complain, and it was entertaining and relatable. Complaining can be harmful and obnoxious, but it can also serve a purpose. It…

Truth: Some people are hot, some people are not, and male pilots and female physical therapists get the most action on Tinder. The speed-lust app with a penchant for instant aesthetic judgments released the top-most swiped professions for men and women, and the results prove that, when paired with an intriguing photo,…

Quick, dim the lights: A large-scale study of sexual satisfaction and overall happiness in long-term couples found that the happiest couples do two things better than you: fuck and talk (about fucking). They also do lots of different sex moves, including oral, and give each other orgasms. And when these things are…

Love is alive and so is sex. Sally Mustang and Mitch Gobel, two uninhibited lovers from Australia, are speaking out after facing censorship from Instagram over their dangerously sensual photos.

There are few relationship questions more hotly debated than whether or not you should confess to cheating in a monogamous relationship. The main arguments for fessing up is that honesty is always the best policy, and your partner deserves to choose for themselves whether or not to stay in the relationship.…

It’s Valentine’s Day, so couples everywhere will be artificially forced to evaluate their relationship status based on an arbitrary holiday that has no real bearing on the strength of their love. Or you could skip that and read the new co-written memoir The Marriage Test, which tells the story of a plucky couple on…

Weather experts have predicted that a potentially historic cold snap will make its way across the East Coast and Ohio Valley this weekend, with temperatures plunging to 30 degrees below average. That is a big disappointment, because I was hoping to have some sex on Valentine’s Day and I don’t like being nude if I’m…

This Sunday morning, as I do on every Valentine’s Day, I will wake up to a message from my mother. Last year, it was a long email sent at an ungodly early hour, carrying all of her usual, heartfelt, holiday-appropriate sentiments: “Today is not only about boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives but also about the…

Punk pioneer Johnny Rotten once sneered, “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?” And that’s how you may feel reading a New Yorker piece about the ideal marriage according to novels, wherein novelist Adelle Waldman lays bare the depressing reality that since forever and still now, women want an intellectual equal…

Have you heard that the east coast is about to be enveloped by a giant, pink vagina of a snow storm?

It’s not a trick question: There’s a piece in the New York Times about aging single men in their 30s and 40s who are finally ready to settle down, but bummed that it takes actual effort and stuff. What shall we do here? A round of sympathy drinks? Or a heartless, sarcastic boo-hoo?

For a brief day and a half the world thought it had rid itself of the romance between a grown man who pronounces his name like a baby and a teen with a mansion. We were not so lucky.