Gold-tone pocket watch, $325.

Our version: your cell phone. It already has a clock on it, so just stick it in your pocket for a convenienty take on Lucky's fashiony, gleamy idea.



Bobbi Brown lip crayon, $22.

Our version: real crayons. Why stop with plum when you can have burnt sienna and cerulean too? A 64-pack is only $5.99, and they're nontoxic, so you can smear them all over your mouth.



Embellished heels, $150-375.

Our version: draw on your Chuck Taylors, like in sixth grade. For that "metallic" look, use glitter pens.


Diamond "Chiodo" ring by Gucci, $6,990.

Our version: tie a string around your finger. It's a ring, and it's a vague reminder of something or other you have to do.



Isomers anti-redness serum, with cactus, $30.

Our version: just rub your face on a cactus. It won't get rid of the redness, but it will sure distract you.



70s-style saddlebag, $480.

Our version: your own saddlebags. Lucky's version stores lip crayons and expensive watches — ours store energy for the lean months ahead. We recommend lots of Ellio's Pizza to insulate your body and soul against the cold, cold world.

Lucky Magazine [Official Site]

Ginger Reeder, a Neiman vice president, says: "These gifts are not meant to be anything more than something to make you smile, make you go 'Oh my gosh, who would have thought about that?'" Oh, sure, it's all in good fun. But Neiman Marcus reported last month that it lost $35.6 million in the third quarter of the year. Costs were up and sales were down. And that was before the worst of the financial crisis. "We are anticipating the months ahead will be difficult," Chairman and Chief Executive Burt Tansky said, back in early August. What about now?

Reeder says of the Neiman Christmas catalog (which is planned a year in advance), "I think we all need a break." And it can be an escape, to lose yourself in pages of luxury items you can't afford. (hence the appeal of Vogue.) But isn't trying to acquire things you don't have the means to purchase how this country ended up in a credit crisis? There's nothing wrong with dreaming. But perhaps the time for conspicuous consumption and lusting after ridiculously expensive material goods has come to an end? I mean: Looking at this Jimmy Choo bag does not make me feel better about my finances.

Neiman Marcus Catalog Remains Extravagant [MSNBC]

It's not hard to see why in the past an economic downturn was mirrored sartorially: after the taboo-breaking of the 20s something more somber seemed apropos during the Depression; ditto the recession of the 70s, I guess. These were economic realities that couldn't be ignored, after all — people lived them. So, why the minis now? Think about it: in the days when hemlines went with the economy, clothes were just one more part of a cultural shift, Fashion was not the cultural leader it fancies itself today. Whereas before a hem might drop just as the tone of music or film altered, today Fashion is in the vanguard - insinuating itself our lives and our consciousness in a way it's wholly unfit to do.

Never before did models and designers feel they had the right to spout off about politics and mores; like any part of celebrity culture it's wholly out of proportion and out of its depth. Unlike the rest of celebrity culture, people still look to what happens in Bryant Park as a financial Farmer's Almanac. I'm sure designers love the idea that they're playing with our destinies and can prognosticate our financial and national future. But the truth is, fashion is resolutely ignoring economic woes, coming out with a Spring collection noteworthy in its use of luxury materials and more reminiscent of the 80s boom than the earlier slump this era more closely resembles. They're not "optimistic," they're oblivious.

And what's worrying is that it seems to reflect the larger ignorance and denial of the times, a time that doesn't want to face anything serious or boring or worrisome and would rather raise hems another few inches, pretend everything's great, and assume homeless people dress the way they do because they have such amazing style.

Keep It Short [FT]

Let's start with my new obsession: Betty's equestrian style. It makes me regret that I have nothing saved from my horseback riding days, because I've spent upwards of 3 hours (that's not an exaggeration) on equestrian clothing sites and realized that building this look will probably cost me about $800. Howevs, I'm totally getting one of her shirts. But I would kill for this bag:

And her winter coat goes so perfectly with all of it:

As do those gloves:

And speaking of gloves, I think it's about time that we bring back opera gloves and costume jewelry.

The accompanying dress was also awesome. Other than New Year's and maybe Halloween, I can't think of an occasion to wear those where I wouldn't look like a total tool, though. Oh, and dresses! Peggy's was adorbz:

And duh, Joan's ruled, too. Now I'm thinking about investing in some serious foundation garments this fall:

Now, on to set design. Obvs this shelf is choice:

I dug this blond wood headboard:

And the matching lamps on the nightstands:

Now I need multiple silk pillows with large buttons:

And for some reason I was really drawn to this stupid framed art of a metal dog:

I also wouldn't mind a globe in my house. I suck at geography, so it would actually serve a dual purpose. I imagine that Betty went all out to make Don's office cozy and official. And smoked the whole time. Christ, I wish I could look that glamorous while chain smoking. Instead, I'm in a muumuu and my hair and face are competing for the Greasiest Surface in Brooklyn award.

Lastly, Roger Sterling's office is all kinds of awesome. I want to have that wall art.

And I wouldn't mind having him, either.

• Heidi Krieger is a former East German athlete who was fed steroids without her knowledge which, she claims, forced her to have a sex-change operation to become a man. • Meanwhile, a new study suggests that estrogen patches may help men suffering from prostate cancer. • One Iranian blogger writes that having a female flag-bearer for the Iranian team at the Olympic Opening Ceremonies was a "defeating and decisive answer" to those who speak out against Iran's treatment of women and a "historical failure" for Zionist and American lobbies. • Many impoverished Vietnamese women in Tan Loc are selling themselves off as brides to wealthy(-ish) foreigners to help out their families back home. • There has been an increase of women being arrested and reprimanded by the police for committing violent acts and joining violent all-girl gangs in the UK. • A new study suggests that urban-living minority teen girls do not have a great deal of knowledge about the morning-after pill and think the users should feel embarrassed. • Being a stay-at-home mother can be incredibly stressful as the economy goes down the dumps. • A new study shows that most women stop breast-feeding after six months and those who continued to breast-feed past six months had greater education and income levels. • Jujhar Bus Service in India has recently appointed female bus conductors, a first in the Punjab region.

[Image via Shopping Times.]

Now that your company, Comcast, has bought online advertorial behemoth Daily Candy for a staggering $125 million, you may be wondering what your big bucks will get you. After the jump, allow us to help with a little tour of today's Daily Candy's offerings. Since the ideal Daily Candy reader is willing to spend tons of money on useless, expensive shit, you should fit right in!

Since the economy is shot, your corporate credit card is probably getting all flabby in your wallet. So "give your AmEx a workout" at Kirna Zabete.com, featured in Daily Candy Everywhere. Here you can purchase garments described as "high-dollar," which is how we say "expensive" in Candyland.












Even media honchos lounge by the pool sometimes, and Daily Candy can help! Check out their Miami edition, which shills for Krelwear's Resort Collection. These "one-of-a-kind pieces" go best with "a man and a mojito," so get shaking! The best part: they take up to three months to make, so the recession might be over by the time they get to you.









We know Comcast has some "crimes and vices" on its conscience — like allegedly blocking legal BitTorrent traffic. So wash them away with "white gold detoxifying salt from the Himalayas" as seen on Daily Candy New York. How do commoners clean themselves without white gold? You don't even want to know.






And finally, just in case America in 2008 doesn't seem enough like a moribund monarchy in which the poor are neglected by a thoughtless aristocracy, take a look at Daily Candy Chicago. That's right, today's headline is "Let Them Eat Cake." "Sophisticated organic" cake, that is, not from a mere bakery but from a "cake parlor." Recessionlicious!

xo,
Jezebel

Comcast Sets Deal To Buy Daily Candy [Wall Street Journal]

MOE: Yo I am here, barely, at an airport hotel that is not actually an airport hotel, more an airport adjacent hotel located nearby a Westfield Mall, but this is where the JetBlue flyer with the friendly Nationwide Hospitality Inc. operator got me the $69 rate, and my god, I am tired, maybe because here it is five in the morning, but news that New Jersey school officials want to ban Red Bull just reminded me I am no longer in school and therefore should probably go locate myself something containing Guarana.

MEGAN: Doing Crappy Hour from the West Coast sucks balls in a way that no one who hasn't done it can ever understand. But that might be because I consider 5 am a time to strive to stay up until, not an hour to get up at.
MEGAN: If it helps, check out the long cool drink of water in this picture and rejoice that somewhere in the bowels of CNN.com, there is a Jezebel looking out for us.
MOE: Yeah I actually forgot to reset my alarm and so woke up around 3:45, but holy SHIT that picture is ridiculous. The gun is um scary though. Also, Obama's hip is hurting? Isn't that a body part whose inflammation we'd usually associate with John McCain…or his mom? Unless…

MEGAN: Um, I'll just say that sometimes after sex my hips hurt, but I have an old ballet injury to explain that, but if that's why Obama's hurts, well, go Michelle!
MEGAN: In other flotsam, by the way, SF mayor Gavin Newsom got straight-married this weekend... in Montana.
MOE: Yeah I bet the wedding I was at was better. Um before I forget can I just say I am fucking sick of shit like "Caroline Kennedy for VP???!!?" which is the only thing worse than "Chuck Hagel for VP????!!!?" which is to say, "WHY AM I READING THIS GO ON VACATION!!!!??!!!"
MEGAN: Everyone for VP!!!

MEGAN: I mean, McCain's got to pick someone before the Olympics start because no one will be paying attention otherwise, or so goes the meme, but I'll bet Obama's VP will interrupt Olympic coverage.
MOE: And then there's this story. I guess I'll listen to it, because really what better things do we have to do? Discuss the half trillion dollar budget deficit planned for 2009 — that's a record, by the way — or how the Frannie Freddie bailout is supposedly the largest government bailout since the New Deal?? Yeah, didn't think so. Although who knows, it's still early, I could see us getting into that shit.
MEGAN: We could talk about the protests at the Vatican to lift the ban on birth control, too.
MOE: Oh how serendipitous I was thinking of lifting my personal ban on that in response to public sentiment as well. I wonder if someone told the Vatican about me and they were like "oh jesus christ we do not want to be responsible for that person procreating." Seriously though, I don't know if this is going to have much of an impact in the Benedict administration.

MEGAN: I'm going to say... exactly none. The Pope listens to God, not the people of the world OR the AIDS rate in Africa. That's God's plan, or do Catholics not believe in predestination? It's so hard to remember CCD.
MOE: In other news does another fifty pointless deaths indicate violence returned to The Iraq? Petraeus seems to think maybe . Oh, and is Afghanistan a narco-state …I kind of want to actually read that one, because I found myself realizing the other day that I really did not know how Colombia had come to control 90% of the cocaine trade exactly and whether there are other countries with power vacuums and the climate and topographical conditions to get in on that, since heroin is, like, probably not as big a moneymaker.
MEGAN: Hahahaha, "returned" to Iraq. You're such a comic genius. Or else Petraeus is.

MOE: Hey I am going to miss how you actually get it when I am being sarcastic.

MEGAN: Although my dad got up and made me coffee this morning, I have yet to get a chance to get up and drink it because in your honor I read Maureen Dowd. That was painful.
MEGAN: But probably not quite as painful as Barack having to submit to an interview in Paris from La Dowd.

MOE: oh GOD.
MOE: I'm not bothering to blockquote this because there's no way anyone would confuse it for anything I would write and even if you charged me with parodying Dowd I could never come up with Even for Sarkozy the American, who loves everything in our culture from Sylvester Stallone to Gloria Gaynor, it was a wild gush over a new Washington crush.

MEGAN: Or how about this awfulness: Obama kept his cool through a week where he was treated as a cross between the Dalai Lama and Johnny Depp. I mean, in my mind, she says this in a little girl voice even more highly pitched than my own.
MEGAN: OK, also, now I have to ask what the fuck?
MOE: Okay this Afghanistan story is really fucking interesting. Basically, post-September 11 Afghanistan is the one kind of situation where this drug war we've been fighting for the past 20 years really comes in handy, as we learned previously from the story of that narcotics guy who successfully interrogated KSM. But the Pentagon, by some combination of generalized Bush Administration wrongheadedness, generalized Bush Administration ineptitude, generalized turf protection and listening to Hamid Karzai, not only systematically undermined the DEA's mission in the country and everyone involved with the drug war, but the whole idea that heroin was bad at all, which in turn just led to the continued flow of this massive spigot of funding to the Taliban and sundry other evildoers.

MEGAN: Wait, Karzai is pro-heroin? Or just anti doing terribly much about it? Anyway, didn't you know that Mary Jane is the Great Satan of our time? Or is it oxycodone? Or meth? Or can we just ask what it is about modern life that so many people feel the need to alter their consciousness to escape it? Because I know what it is about my life, but I'd sort of be interested to know if I'm unique in that.
MOE:

A lot of intelligence — much of it unclassified and possible to discuss here — indicated that senior Afghan officials were deeply involved in the narcotics trade. Narco-traffickers were buying off hundreds of police chiefs, judges and other officials. Narco-corruption went to the top of the Afghan government. The attorney general, Abdul Jabbar Sabit, a fiery Pashtun who had begun a self-described “jihad against corruption,” told me and other American officials that he had a list of more than 20 senior Afghan officials who were deeply corrupt — some tied to the narcotics trade. He added that President Karzai — also a Pashtun — had directed him, for political reasons, not to prosecute any of these people.

MEGAN: Is there some reason it matters that they're both Pashtun? Also, in an barely-stable government, I can sort of see the reason if he thinks that the narco-corruption isn't one of the destabilizing forces.
MOE: Well the news here is that no only has opium production grown — a UN report says 80% of poppies in the south were planted in the last two years — it is funding the insurgency and making farmers rich and Afghan officials all the way up to Karzai continue to say things like "it's tradition and poverty makes them do it and we don't want you to dust our crops aerially with pesticides because our poor farmers will think it is poison coming from the sky" when such things are demonstrably not true.
MEGAN: Crop dusting didn't really make us — or the Colombian government — a ton of friends when we did it there either but we didn't exactly stop doing it.
MOE: Well we haven't apparently started doing it in Afghanistan. The point is twofold, though. It's not so much that, according to this guy, how do you keep Afghanistan from becoming the Colombia of opiates, but whether you can use what you learned in Colombia to cut off the flow of funds to the insurgency, I think, I am not through yet though. I mean, I guess eventually, as in Colombia, everyone is in the business, on both sides, and then everything is just …really violent until someone like Uribe comes in and decides to grant wholescale amnesty to pretty much anyone who asks.

MOE:

Karzai was playing us like a fiddle: the U.S. would spend billions of dollars on infrastructure improvement; the U.S. and its allies would fight the Taliban; Karzai’s friends could get rich off the drug trade; he could blame the West for his problems; and in 2009 he would be elected to a new term.

MEGAN: Awww, he's like a mini GWB, just with drugs instead of oil!
MOE: Hahaha the chief of the anticorruption commission is a convicted heroin dealer.
MOE: And here's our little microcosm of the whole damn thing:

At the same time, the 101st Airborne arrived in eastern Afghanistan. Its commanders promptly informed Ambassador Wood that they would only permit crop eradication if the State Department paid large cash stipends to the farmers for the value of their opium crop. Payment for eradication, however, is disastrous counternarcotics policy: If you pay cash for poppies, farmers keep the cash and grow poppies again next year for more cash. And farmers who grow less-lucrative crops start growing poppies so that they can get the money, too. Drug experts call this type of offer a “perverse incentive,” and it has never worked anywhere in the world.

Sort of like the drug war has never worked anywhere in the world?

MEGAN:

KarzaiBush was playing us like a fiddle: the U.S. would spend billions of dollars on infrastructure improvement; the U.S. and its allies would fight the Talibanin Iraq; Karzai’sBush's friends could get rich off the drugoil trade; he could blame the Westliberals for hisour problems; and in 20092004 he would be elected to a new term.

MOE: Or Bush could blame the Middle East for his problems?
MEGAN: Hell, that shit doesn't even work in U.S. farm policy. You pay subsidies for wheat, they grow more wheat. You pay subsidies to let marginal lands grow wild, people plant on marginal lands for a year or two to collect the subsidies.
MOE: It would be a more direct counterpart.
MOE: Okay here is something depressing (or heartening?) Check the fucking comments. Some of the stuff that has been "recommended" is basically illiterate.

MOE: Such as

2008 8:35 am
After I saw American Gangster, I knew that the increase in heroin production was no accident. I'm sure the DEA is involved in shipping the drugs back to American cities. It's no wonder we can't see the coffins unloaded at Andrews Airforce Base.
— Jane, Royal Oak, MI
Recommended by 7 Readers

MEGAN: You know, there's a growing debate about whether to allow comments on newspapers' websites for exactly that reason. Like, I know Gawker employs a person (hey, Kaila! your hair is probably lovely today!) whose job it is to weed out the crazies and I've looked in the bin and WHOO boy are there some crazy people out there who write some crazy ass shit. But I guess because newspapers have higher comment volumes, or higher crazy volumes or haven't been able to figure out how to monetize their websites, they can't manage that shit?
MOE: Incidentally that other drug is in the news today too.

MEGAN: OH, speaking of drug wars, I've seen so many freaking meth heads back here. Upstate NY was slow to come to the metholution because of the easy access to good Canadian weed, but I do believe we've finally made it into the 21st century!
MOE: Yesterday I found this old story on Gabriel Garcia Marquez advocating "outlaw American chemists" develop a kind of synthetic cocaine to rival the real deal as a way to combat his own country's addiction to easy money. But um I sort of feel like, that's how we got meth, and meth did not do much good for Colombia.
MEGAN: Or Afghanistan! Meth is for people that can't afford crack, let alone coke, or heroin shipping in for Afghanistan, and who don't mind the side effects like the black teeth and the faster progression to heroin chic and the complete wasted crazy look that horrifies me in a bar to the point where my friend has to remind me to stop staring at the meth head.

• Nas wrote a song about Barack Obama and sampled Tupac. I couldn't figure out what the fuck Tupac was saying but I finally found the lyrics and apparently it's "Although it seems heaven-sent we ain't ready to have a black president." Then Nas references Calvin Coolidge to remind you, oh yeah, maybe we have gotten a little less racist since Tupac "died", which got me wondering, has hip-hop gotten less misogynist since Oochie Wally Wally? [XXL]
• Yeah and meanwhile some people who have not gotten less racist since the nineties work for the Clinton campaign, according to erstwhile Hillary supporter Rob Andrews, who now says her campaign was…well, uh, it's kind of vague, but whatever it was, it didn't work out, so I guess I should just move on to… [NJ]
• How it was a bad day out in the economy. The unemployment rate hit 5.5%, which is pretty bad when you consider how many people hate their jobs — unrelated: was anyone else unaware that the world's highest jobless rate belongs to Nauru? — and it was the biggest month-to-month rise in 22 years. Just in time for graduation! And, you know, the Dow fell 400 points and oil futures rose eleven bucks. [WSJ]

• There is an upside to all this for our country: and it's called wasting fewer resources. I know you probably thought that day would never come in this country, but I never thought Chuck Krauthammer would write something I agreed with. [Washington Post]
• Clint Eastwood and Spike Lee are having beef over the latter's two year old movie Flags Of Our Fathers, a movie (here's a David Denby review) I would like to have seen before weighing in) but like, isn't the whole point of Clint Eastwood is that he's trying to convey what actually happened, from all perspectives? I mean, he didn't have to make that follow-up about how the the Japs saw things, you know? (Yeah yeah yeah, joke.) Seriously though. [Guardian]

• Khalid Sheikh Mohammed thinks the courtroom artist drew his nose too wide. He lost a bunch of weight on the Guantanamo diet and totally turns out to be one of those secretly vain terror masterminds. [USA Today]
• This will shock you: Bob Dylan is voting for Barack Obama. Okay, I was kidding about the shocked part. [Times]
• There was this whole movement afoot to strongarm Barry into picking Hillary over some of his other bros but I think Hillary took a step back and said, "You know, this is bullshit, I don't care anymore, if he wants me he wants me," and although the hardest part about doing that is always the realization that he's probably gonna be all "It ain't me babe," I'm glad she did that. [NY Times]
• You just have to accept that in the Catholic Church shit takes awhile, and that if a priest is accused of pedophilia it might take a few years or even decades to remove him. Now, if he mocks Hillary Clinton and it ends up on YouTube, on the other hand, now that is when you gotta sever all ties right away. [Chicago Tribune] [The Root]
• Well this is a new one: alcohol cutting your risk of arthritis. I pretty much always thought gout was arthritis, and that you get that from wine, so this is pretty awesome news, not that I would even notice I had arthritis what with the shakes and whatnot. [BBC]

• What drives the economy and technological innovation and stuff? In some countries it's known "industrial policy." But in this country since the Cold War it's pretty much been porn, so I don't know what this guy is talking about. [Miller-McCune]
• The recession has driven Saks shoppers to Nordstrom, American Eagle shoppers to Aeropostale and everyone else to BJ's and Costco. [WSJ]
• Black people think Obama needs to remember the Sisterhood. This is not a particularly revolutionary essay but I'm linking to it because I read through it the whole way. [The Root]
• The other day I got an IM from my friend. "Could Lehman seriously become the next Bear Stearns just based on fear that it's the next Bear Stearns?" she asked. "Yup," I replied, and told the fear and greed aphorism. But apparently $60 billion worth of "tough to value" securities is another big reason. [Economist]
• Anyway, the big problem is there's a lot of greed, and not enough fear. Let me explain: we are the Fed, and bankers are dudes. We control the population supply, which seems like a pretty powerful position, but they have more time on their hands and thus much more elaborate ways of fucking with us to the point where we're basically their bitch. Anyway, this is called "moral hazard", which is almost as good a name for an okay first novel as The Undatable. [Economist] [WSJ]
• I'm thinking of changing the name of this feature, to something like "Narrow Thoughts" or "Profundities" or something. Deep thoughts, anyone?
• There is probably something totally awesome and life-affirming about being able to scale skyscrapers but, like…nah, I can't really see the point. [NYT]
• Oh yeah and you fucking dykes have sent me some pretty little sums to help get those feminists out of Basra! Why did I never wait tables on bitches like you? That's right, because we were all waiting tables together.

The recent spate of foreclosures has led many Americans to abandon their pets, according to Brian Adams, spokesman for the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. "We've seen where people have abandoned dogs in the house, we've seen dogs that have been surviving for weeks on toilet water, we've seen dogs that have either been chained up outside or left in the yard when the people have left, we've seen cats who are just set free,'' Adams says.

Petco has begun to establish a foundation to give grants to shelters to help take care of all the pets displaced because of the foreclosure crisis. And you can always help by giving cold, hard cash to your local shelter or taking in a pet yourself. The famed Winston and Edie are both shelter/ rescue pets! You, too, could be the pet-mom to a semi-incontinent terrier or an adorably alien looking kitty of your own.

Demand Spikes At Pet Food Banks, Discount Vets [AP via MSNBC]

It's not as hilarious as the one I appended to my Starbucks application of 1996 or the Valley girl voice I adopted to apply for a job at TheStreet in 2001, but it's in my inbox and it did the job, so to speak. [I would like to say that when Moe's letter was forwarded to me on February 6, 2007 I about creamed my panties in excitement. Best pre-Valentine's Day present ever. -Ed.] Send yours! Bad, good, insane, inane, presumptuous, whatev! It's the least we can do in this era of endless downsizing.

—-—-—-- Forwarded message —-—-—--
From: Maureen Tkacik
Date: Feb 5, 2007 5:08 PM
Subject: your job
To: [redacted]@gawker.com

Dear Lockhart Steele,

I fucking love women's magazines, almost as much as I love trend stories in the NYTSSS. Here is an anecdote: while at work one of the latter loves, hoping it would tide me over while I toil over a book on what I call the Nothing Based Economy, I paid a call to Teen Vogue's publicist, asking if maybe she could get an editor to weigh in for my story on the hot new trendlet of photogenic teenage interns who double as arm candy. (AKA the "I MADE Cory Kennedy and all I got was $900" piece.) In true Styles style, the eds had chained me to my desk from 9 a.m. till 12 a.m. the week before the piece ran, demanding I call more demographers, headhunters, stand-up comedians, cultural theorists and esp. quotable friends of Styles editors making sure the story was, you know, "bulletproof"; Skype and cell were both ringing off the proverbial heezy.

And soooooo, when one "Amy Astley" caught me unawares with her call and I asked for her title, one Amy Astley, "editor-in-CHIEF," paused for a few seconds, and then uttered, "I'm sorry, I think you'll have to get someone else to talk to you. I just think this interview has gotten off to a really bad start." I couldn't have agreed more, and hung up accordingly, but just because I am so nice, I emailed [redacted], a friend at Conde Nast, to extend my "most heartfelt and sincerest apologies" for the gaffe, explaining that I was swamped/brain-farting/whatever. [Redacted] promptly called Amy, who said, and he quotes,

"I'm glad she realized something needed to be fixed,"

and,

"She'll learn from this."

And that was the moment that I realized that I have more to learn from women's magazines, Mr. Steele, than I could ever learn from composing trend stories for the Times, but alas, I'm afraid I've been shut out of the industry now. This is my chance, and I would be honored if you would give it to me. I think there are things I could teach them, too, such as: I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks on the Poverty Diet (dollar menu chicken nuggets, Marlboros and no subway card) while I waited for that NYT check; Pond's cold cream works better than all 47 of the anti-aging eye creams I have purchased variously at Sephora, Saks and duty free carts; every single hipster girl I have informally polled agrees that "Can This Marriage Be Saved", adapted for friendships, live-in relationships and difficult jobs could alone, if resurrected, make us buy women's magazines again.

Seriously, I love women's magazines because they take themselves seriously in that way only the manufacturers of truly insipid drivel with no conceivable social value other than the perpetuation of frivolous longings that keep same-store sales and the economy of the superficial motoring along. I also have dozens of good friends who have found employment with them. Because that option is no longer open to me, I am perfect for this blog.

Yours,

Moe

It's No Act, I Need A Job

[NY Times]

Image via: Flickr

• "Whether it’s Billy Ayers or Bernadine Dohrn, Tom Hayden or Jane Fonda, or any of the other lesser-knowns, 60s Marxist radicals are lining up behind Obama." [National Review]
• And like check this quote from Francis Fukuyama that acid-dropping borderline ecoterrorist: "It needs to do some symbolic things like, we shouldn't torture people." [Yahoo! News]
• "I haven't sat through a single Obama speech without ideologically wincing at something…So why do I find myself still longing for him to win?" (Wild guess: he is hot.) [Andrew Sullivan]
• And another Obamican meme blowing up the internet now. [Excons.org]
• McCain gave a speech on nukes that was somewhere to the left of Bush and to the right of the Obama/Kissinger (?) side of things and it was high on protesters and low on specifics except that he would "never surrender in Iraq." Oh, Bravo. [Wash Post]

• A Detroit seventh grader named Keiara Bell has gained local notoriety calling out politicians over acting like "second graders." No seriously, aside from that text message scandal, a council member called another a "Shrek." [WSJ]
• JP Morgan says inflation is set to hit its highest rate in 17 years! Easy for them to say as they did not exactly pay an inflated price for Bear Stearns. [WSJ]
• Oh no, America has stopped getting fatter. This could be a terrible sign for numerous economic sectors, from the restaurant industry to the perennially cash-strapped agriculture sector to the entire health care economy, the country's only non-military net job creator in the past ten years…I would predict steady Japan circa 1998-style deflation and a good decade of GDP stagnation, but…yeah, wishful thinking. [NYT]

MEGAN: So, do you want to start with the slideshow of hotness that is Obama's personal aide? I mean, the article's nice, blah blah blah, but really, I think its purpose should just be to allow us to ooh and ahh over the dude.
MOE: Dude the hottest dude today is the Marine on the fucking front page of the Times and I fucking CAN'T FIND IT ONLINE.
MEGAN: This guy?
MOE: It should go with this story…do you see a picture there? Mine's not loading. I may have to scan. To support the troops, you know. Did you get through any of the New Yorker piece I sent on Fadl vs. Zawahiri?
MOE: And yeah, that guy! He just defeated the Taliban or something!
MEGAN: By the way, for the amusement of all, by Gchat banner ad is now this: "Dictionary.com Word of the Day - ribald: characterized by, or given to, vulgar humor."

MEGAN: Well, I think in the grand tradition of good friends, it's a great thing that you and I have very different taste in men. You can have your Marine, and I'll take the aide and we can both be happy!
MEGAN: Though I think we can all agree that any ladyboner can most easily be killed with this, which greeted me on the top of the New Yorker's site when I went to look for that article.
MOE: How was your weekend? I'm trying to think of some ribald conversations that transpired but 1. I don't really know what constitutes "ribald" when I just volunteered my fear that I had genital warts and 2. I actually ended up having a weirdly serious drunk conversation with a friend about God, and how he thought the Left was going to reclaim Jesus, and then I read half this piece about the jihad movement's ongoing internal debate over just how violent they really need to be and…uh…got a sunburn. Through a pair of black jeans.
MOE: It's…um…
MOE: Not Timid, that shot.
MEGAN: Yes. Not Timid is a good way of phrasing it.
MEGAN: Um, my weekend? Pretty relaxing, not much happened, you know, just had this little piece published in a minor news outlet.
MOE: So what's the deal? Do you want to read about Roger Stone while I examine the future of jihad?
MEGAN: I mean, want is probably a strong word since the article starts in a swinger club and one is thus forced to consider the thought of that man fucking, but yes, I'll do it as I think I'll garner more of an understanding out of that than the jihadist piece before coffee.
MOE: In the meantime China's not forcing fines or abortions on anyone who decides to get pregnant after losing kids to the earthquake. (To be fair: China stopped forcing abortions three years ago, I think, but it still happens sometimes?) Bill Clinton said a lot of idiotic things about how there's some vast elitist conspiracy to cover up the fact that Hillary is the inevitable next president and McCain asked Obama to visit Iraq with him, which I think is an excellent idea since he's not exactly safe here, as Hillary so saliently pointed out the other day.
MEGAN: Ok, well, now, my gag reflex has woken me up.

Not long ago, Stone went to the Ink Monkey tattoo shop in Venice Beach and had a portrait of Nixon’s face applied to his back, right below the neck. “Women love it,” Stone said.

Ummm, we're all women, right? Because I think we can all give this a resounding thumbs down.
MEGAN: Also, by the way, the fact that Reps Anna Eshoo and George Miller endorsed Obama really just means that Nancy wants to because obviously they only do what they're told. And while that phrase sort of pisses me off, I also sort of wish that Pelosi was that steely and puppeteery because then she might get more shit done.
MOE: Oh Jesus at this point any Democrat who endorses Obama should just not bother me with their headlines. I'm trying to focus on the brotherhood here. Also dude I have to get that pic of that marine who is totally hot
MEGAN: I'll need it, too, to wash the Roger Stone stench out from under my nostrils.
MEGAN: Things like this quote, from a Democratic strategist:

He once said to me, ‘Are you black? Are you Hispanic? Are you gay?’ When I said no, he said, ‘Then why the fuck are you a Democrat? You should be with us.’

This guy should be denied all access to pussy, seriously. Pussy boycott.

MOE: Um, someone in my house whose name will go unmentioned is eating one of your Christmas cookies.
MOE: That's neither here nor there.
MEGAN: The pumpkin ones, or the nutmeg ones?

MOE: Lawrence Wright describing the changes in Cairo since he taught English there in the seventies reminds…me of China without the economic growth:

When I lived in Cairo, the population was about six million. Now it is three times that size. The unbearable congestion reflects the ungoverned quality of life in the city; pedestrians plunge into the anarchic traffic, their faces masked by fright or resignation. The virtual absence of any attempt to impose order—in the form of street lights or crosswalks—is characteristic of a government that has no sense of obligation to its people and seeks only to protect itself.

One day during my visit, I went to Cairo University, whose buildings are practically crumbling from neglect. There are nearly two hundred thousand students, a good many more than there were when Zawahiri and Fadl studied there. Although the campus was quiet, the mood of the students was troubled, if subdued. Their professors had been on strike because of low pay; in Cairo’s poorer neighborhoods, riots had broken out over the cost of bread, and, in a middle-class area, residents had marched against pollution. The government’s response to the desperation had been to round up eight hundred members of the Muslim Brotherhood and throw them in jail.

MEGAN: Is it a bad thing that I snorted at the last sentence? Because if it is, I don't wanna me good.
MOE: I was going to blockquote another paragpraph but that feels lazy so I'm gonna summarize: Egyptians, like a lot of Middle Easterners, were psyched about 9/11 bc they thought it would force Americans to reexamine their support of their corrupt autocratic regimes and help eke out a middle path that embraced neither the status quo nor Islamism. Sadly that did not happen. Turns out we are not so good with "middle paths." Oh and btw Iran has nukes it's a grave and serious and urgent threat!
MEGAN: Oooh, way to bury the good tidbits! So, Charlie Black who is the Big Bad Lobbyist in McCain's camp, until very recently worked for the firm that Stone helped found, which was bought by the firm that Mark Penn helps run.

“So what that means is that Mark Penn is Charlie Black’s boss,” Stone told me. “And they said I was sleazy.”

MEGAN: Ha, the Egyptians thought that having he crap bombed out of us would make us re-examine our support of corrupt and autocratic regimes? I guess their knowledge of history is at least as bad as most Americans'.

MOE: Holy shit. Okay, so the Lawrence Wright story profiles some of the jihadist movement's foremost dissenters, namely a doctor named Sayman Imam Al-Sharif aka Dr. Fadl who met Ayman al-Zawahiri in med school in 1968 — hey! another awesome thing that happened that year, alert the boomer era hagiographers — but became estranged from him in the nineties and went off to practice medicine in Yemen and last May tried to call the whole thing off in a letter to a newspaper.
MEGAN: Oh, so, he's like an idealist? One Op Ed can stop a jihad or something?


9:45 AM
MEGAN: Pen is mightier than the sword?
MOE: Etc. etc. ... well, I guess he is like the William F. Buckley of Jihad, you know? The intellectual center of the movement apparently. And so he had a lot of followers. One was a guy named Karam Zuhdy. The rift sort of began in the nineties and Zawahiri tried to preempt it by holding a mass shooting in Novemeber 1997 in the ruins of Queen Hatshepsut’s temple and 62 people died. ANYWAY, Zudhy and his pals would minister to prisoners and try to get them to first renounce terrorism, then extremism, etc…gradually try and reform them etc. etc.
MOE: Most poignant passage so far:

Many of these Islamists had fantasized that they would be hailed as heroes by their society; instead, they were isolated and rejected. Now Karam Zuhdy and other imprisoned leaders were asking the radicals to accept that they had been deluded from the beginning. It was an overwhelming spiritual defeat. “We began going from prison to prison,” Ahmed recalled. “Those boys would see their leaders giving them the new conception of the revisions.” Ahmed recalls that many of the prisoners were angry. “They would say, ‘You’ve been deceiving us for eighteen years! Why didn’t you say this before?’ ”

Despite such objections, the imprisoned members of the Islamic Group largely accepted the leaders’ new position. Ahmed says that he was initially skeptical of the prisoners’ apparent repentance, which looked like a ploy for better treatment; however, several of the participants in the discussions had already been sentenced to death and were wearing the red clothing that identifies a prisoner as a condemned man. They had nothing to gain. Ahmed says that one of these prisoners told him, “I’m not offering these revisions for Mubarak! I don’t care about this government. What is important is that I killed people—Copts, innocent persons—and before I meet God I should declare my sins.” Then the man burst into tears.

MEGAN: Wait, so, like, there's Reconciliation in Islam, too?
MEGAN: Also, it's sort of heartwarming that they learned that killing people is bad, though!
MOE: Yeah well if they can get the memo maybe even someone like Doug Feith could reject his old…haha no.

MEGAN: Wait! Wait! Maybe the secret is that you have to go to prison? Because I could be down on running that experiment with good ol' Dougie.

MOE: I got till 10:30 incidentally and scanned that picture and I'm pretty sure not even I expected that 30% of the auto sales in California are made with home equity loans…especially since it would appear that California also holds claim to the market with the highest average price-to-rent ratio, a pretty good barometer of how inflated a real estate market is. A place in East Bay, California costs — or cost past tense, anyway — 51 times its annual rent. 42.5 in San Jose. That is, just for the record, insane.
MEGAN: Yeah, my sister lives out there and in Palo Alto these cute little bungalows that are barely bigger than my condo or your apartment are, like, $1 million and people rent them out and I don't see how you'd have the money to pay that kind of rent and not buy the place.

MEGAN: On the other hand, 18% of Americans believe the sun revolves around the Earth.
MEGAN: Oh, hey, btw, weren't you asked what happened to Aung San Suu Kyi last week? The junta's decided to extend her detention by another year despite laws there that you can't be detained without trial for more than 5 years. Apparently, her being free while they're fucking up the country more is a bad thing.

I thought maybe this "wedding loan trend" was something Strain came up with because he was under, erm, STRAIN to find a topic to write about, but then I Googled it and found that totally respectable lending institutions offer wedding loans for the financially foolish. But there's another way to finance your wedding without going through all the red tape of a bank loan! Take this email we received yesterday from a PR company:

Subject: STORY IDEA-Brides Want Cash, Not Blenders
In this poor economy, brides need cash to help pay for their weddings and honeymoons rather than blenders they'll have no use for. I can offer an interview with a bride who turned their bridal gift registry into a money market.

Wedding Loans: Till Death Do You Owe [The Street]
Industrial Output Plunges in April [AP via NYT]

• The Sichuan earthquake has probably killed 9,000 people, and let 80 tons of toxic liquid ammonia out into the streets, but if I know you guys it's the panda stuff that is really going to get to you. [Wash Post]
  
• But — thanks investment banks! — it probably won't have that big an impact on the economy! [WSJ]
  
• Or Beijing's standing as the number one toilet metropolis. [Xinhua]
  
• Meanwhile in Burma the UN is projecting a death toll of 100,000, and Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon can't get junta leader Than Shwe on the phone so he actually just sent a letter, and the US is still trying to get them to accept aid at all...[Wash Post]
  
• Hillary is going to win the white vote by landslide margins in West Virginia because they're still coming to grips with the notion of the first Muslim president down there. [FT]
  
• Well it's about time Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson vowed lifelong commitment.[US Weekly]

• Our favorite place Yemen made the Foreign Policy list of five most dangerous food crises, but North Korea beat it out for number one. [FP]
• John McCain does not plan on sticking around for the ice caps to melt but remember he has young children and sometimes even the capacity for independent thought. [NYT]
• Which may sound radical but that's what Huckabee's there for. [US News]
• If you think you can take advantage of the crap economy just by getting in on a payday loan business, well, you sort of can. [WSJ]
• America steadfastly refuses to forget how comprehensively shitty the Bush Administration has been. [Wash Post]

Nothing good! According to Business Week, " While [women are] getting more jobs, their pay is stagnant. Also, most share households — and bills — with the men who are losing jobs. And the 'female' economy can't stay strong for long if the 'male' economy weakens too much."

The reason men are losing such a disproportionate number of jobs is because the two sectors that are truly ailing, manufacturing and construction, are both over 70% male. The trend shows no sign of slowing because the next sector to be hit — securities — is 60% male. Finally, men have a much more difficult time getting back on the horse, so to speak, after losing a job. Claudia Goldin, a Harvard University labor historian, tells BW, "Men are having a harder time than women getting back on track after losing a job. "For a man to move from a $20- or $30-an-hour union job to being a Wal-Mart greeter is devastating."

So in summary, even though American women are gaining jobs, their economic stresses are still considerable. Bill McInturff, a pollster for John McCain, tells BW, "In focus groups they talk about how 'I'm taking care of my parents, his parents, buying groceries, taking kids to the doctor.' These women are tired."

The Slump: It's a Guy Thing [Businessweek]

Because America is not part of Europe. You know what would happen if we joined the European Union? Let's "mark to market" our economic figures to Euros for a second. (This is not a particularly meaningful exercise, but when the Gross Domestic Product is passing for the ultimate barometer of economic health I feel entitled to dabble in the absurd.) In the same amount of time that our economy cracked the $14 trillion mark, it would have shrunk 10% to 9 trillion Euros. In other words, no one would be lining up to buy cheap American exports. Of course, not that that much stuff is made in America anymore, which is why our 13% increase in exports of goods only contributed 0.2% in the way of GDP growth. But 0.2% can make all the difference!

Because The Rest Of The World Is Starving Thanks to land and pork barrel politics, agriculture remains a thriving (if small) sector of the American economy, and thanks to those same pork barrel politics we decided to drive food prices higher than oil prices would have already rendered them by paying people to use perfectly good corn to run cars or somesuch. Well, we make corn in America! And soybeans, and lots of other things that will make you fat if you aren't living on $3 a day in Nairobi.

Because The Rest Of The World Is Still Coming Here (And Fewer Than Ever Are Sending Their Money Home) America's growing population helps our GDP numbers sound good even when everything is actually getting harder for the average person! Between 2003 and 2007, for instance, our per-capita GDP grew less than 1.9% a year on average; Japan's per-capita GDP grew 2.1%! But thanks to our swelling immigrant class (and possibly, the celebrity baby boom) we have a growing populace that pumps that number up to nearly 3% annualized growth when we pool our funds together!

Because Everyone Is Sick, And Getting Sicker Health care a very important sector of the American economy — in fact, it's the only sector that's created any jobs since the nineties — and the costs — hey, every cost has a "benefit," hah! — just keep rising! That means lots of profits for all the companies working hard to remind us how bad heartburn can make you feel. And all the accountants and managers and lawyers responsible for figuring out how hospitals can add treatments and procedures to routine hospital stays so the insurance companies actually pay them; they are drivers of economic activity too! In this most recent quarter, medical care might have been the single brightest spot of a very unhappy chart: costs rose 12.1% over the quarter.

Because banks control all the money. The financial sector might seem like it's a mess right now, but they didn't get to represent more than a fifth of the whole GDP by being unclever. After getting the government to set up a special body giving them "immunity" from failure in the wake of that touching Jimmy Stewart movie, bankers quickly set about figuring out how to control all the money in the universe and take a big a cut possible each year in fear someone would figure out what they were up to and shut the whole thing down. Over time, of course, they realized that they controlled too much money for the government to ever shut any of it down, so at that point they just overpaid themselves because that's what they did last year, and because that's what everyone else was doing, and because if they didn't do it they were the greater fool. By 2005 the average finance worker earned 50% more than the comparable worker in any other field — and a lot of them made a lot more than that. But it's hard to blame them — absurdly profitable ideas like $3 ATM fees and selling repurposed mortgages to old people literally on a "fixed income" are all in a day's work for these guys.

Because "information processing equipment and software" sales increased 10.3%. And they haven't even released the new iPhone!

Because They Hate Us. These are serious times, Americans! We have a beautiful country to defend, and defense spending was perhaps the brightest spot on the latest GDP report of all. The Pentagon spent nearly $700 billion defending our freedoms last year, a 7.5% increase from last. And we haven't even started bombing Iran!

Image grabbed from Refacing Government Tender via Metafilter

BEA Press Release: Gross Domestic Product [Bureau of Economic Analysis]
Economists React: Recession "Still Likely" [WSJ]
Food Firms Profit As Demand Soars [WSJ]
Grossly Distorted Picture [Economist]
FDIC Seeks Hires, Braces For Trouble [WSJ]
Gross Domestic Product By Industry, Winners & Losers [Visualizing Economics]
What's Really Propping Up The Economy [BusinessWeek]
One Guy Who's Seen It All Doesn't Like What He Sees [WSJ]

MOE: Stuff like skankgate is why I wake up in the morning anymore.
MEGAN: Away
MOE: Oh god, a Bush news conference at 10:30, does he have to keep giving those?
MEGAN: I love that now that he doesn't have to be re-elected he's totally cool with talking to the press.
MOE: And the press is like, "meh you?" Nice job on Deal or no Deal..
MEGAN: Also, they have some new guy on FoxNews who is their go-to guy for talking about Wright who I hate because he's just so annoying and stupid and I think I agree with you about morning shows. But skanky is a funny word if you've never heard it.
MEGAN: Was he subordinate to the banker on DoND? Because that's be a hilarious subtext.
MOE: Speaking of which I totally checked the comments late yesterday and there was one about Mauritania retaining a slave class, which totally reminded me of China also having a slave class, which made me feel a lot better about my current situation.
MEGAN: Why cabbages in that article, I wonder?
MOE:

The newspaper said 76 children from the same county, Liangshan, had been missing since the Chinese Lunar Year festival in February, 42 of whom had already left the region to work.
"The youngest kids found in the child labor market were only seven and nine years old," it said.

The pastor who was thrust upon the public consciousness as a caricature of the angry black man emerged after an exhaustive series of performances as a more familiar television persona: a voluble, vain and erudite entertainer, a born televangelist who quotes Ralph Ellison as well as the Bible and mixes highfalutin academic trope with salty street talk.

"When we have a billion people, you said we were destroying the planet./ When we tried limiting our numbers, you said it is human rights abuse," reads a poem posted on the Internet by "a silent, silent Chinese" and cited by some students as an accurate expression of their feelings. "When we were poor, you thought we were dogs./ When we loan you cash, you blame us for your debts./ When we build our industries, you called us polluters./ When we sell you goods, you blame us for global warming."